GoodTherapy | How to Stop Fighting and Start Communicating with your Partner “Stop fighting with each other and start fighting for one another”– Staci Lee Schnell 

In a fight, there is a winner and a loser and most of us want to win.  So, if you are fighting with your spouse, and you are the winner, that would make them the loser.  Do you really want your partner to be a loser?  Wouldn’t it be better if your marriage was the winner?  If you stop fighting and start communicating with respect, you both win and more importantly, your marriage wins.  Communicating clearly and effectively with your spouse allows for a healthier and happier marriage.   

It’s perfectly okay and completely normal to have disagreements and different points of view from your partner.  Having different thoughts and ideas, shouldn’t be a cause for a fight but rather a cause for good conversations, where both of you are heard and validated.  Validation is essential in honoring your spouse’s different opinions.  But how can you validate them if you aren’t listening to them?  Active listening can alleviate interruptions, misunderstandings, and heated emotions as well as promote being in tune with your partner’s thoughts and feelings.  

 The following is a communication tool to try out that promotes active listening and validation: 

Step 1: Partner A is the speaker while Partner B is the listener.   Partner A speaks, without blame, their truth, point of view, or issue.  Partner B listens without interruption. Feel free to take notes. 

Step 2: Partner B says, “What I heard you say is…” and in their own words summarizes what they heard Partner A say.  Then Partner B says, “Did I get it right?”  Partner A answers “yes” or “no”.  If yes, Partner B says “Is there anything else?”  Partner A answers “Yes” or “No”. If no, it’s time for step 3.  If Partner A answers no to “Did I get it right?” they stay calm, they don’t get upset at their partner, they simply try saying it in a different way.  Partner B tries again with, “What I heard you say” and “Did I get it right?”  Don’t move on to step 3 until Partner B gets it right and Partner A has nothing else.  

Step 3: Partner B now validates Partner A.  If an apology is needed, this is the time.  This step is about making Partner A feel completely heard and understood.  It doesn’t mean that Partner B needs to agree with Partner A, it merely means that Partner B shows their understanding of Partner A.   

Step 4: Switch speaker and listener roles and repeat steps 2 and 3 in the new roles. 

Step 5: Now that each has been heard and validated, come up with a plan of action.  The next time this happens we are going to do this…, this is the decision, and compromise we are making…, we can agree to disagree. 

The above communication tool promotes active listening, which brings about a positive change in attitude towards each other. Instead of fighting, couples are communicating honestly and effectively with less defensiveness and anger.   Paraphrasing, summarizing, and clarifying allows for true validation.   

Validation communicates to your partner that the relationship is important, even if you do not agree with the issue or issues at hand.  Mutual validation is essential in a healthy and happy relationship because each feels heard, valued, and understood.  Feeling validated by your spouse can help one to feel appreciated, and loved and that their opinions are worthwhile.  

The timing of the above communication tool is truly important.  If one of you is feeling heated or flooded, take some time to calm down.  Take 10-20 minutes to reflect on your emotions and ask yourself some questions. Why am I upset? What am I trying to convey? What triggered me? How can I express myself clearly?  These questions will help you focus on what and how to say what has upset you, as well giving you the time you need to get calmer.   

Make sure to not sweep the event, issue, or topic under the rug and not discuss it.  Don’t hold back to avoid conflict. That will only promote resentment for the unresolved issue or issues. Resentment can make one feel that the relationship is in a constant ill state. After 10 or 20 minutes, come back together and use the above communication tool. If the circumstances don’t allow for the conversation to be had right away, put a pin in it and revisit it as soon as possible. If you want you can set an appointment with each other to have the needed discussion.   

Marriage Counseling can help couples clearly and effectively utilize the active listening and validation techniques described above. Couples Counseling helps to create a better understanding of each other, deepen emotional bonds, reestablish intimacy and trust, and overall improve your relationship and marriage.  

 

GoodTherapy | Strong Like Amanda: Teaching Girls the Power of Assertiveness

by Dr. Jocelyn Markowicz, PhD, Psychologist in San Diego, CA

Girl Assertiveness Power: How to Teach Young Girls to Assert Their Power Like Amanda Gorman  

At the 2021 Presidential Inauguration, Amanda Gorman, a poet and activist, performed her poem “The Hill We Climb.” She shared these powerful words: “When day comes, we ask ourselves, where can we find light in this never-ending shade?” This line illuminated a shade that looms over our young girls, cloaking their voices within the darkness of unassertiveness. While Gorman’s performance spoke powerfully across a vast sea of change needed, her presence and assertiveness courageously inspired people all over the world to stand in the light of assertive power. How can we teach young girls to be more assertive despite their fear of being viewed as aggressive? 

Why Female Assertiveness Is Complicated

Research supports the benefits of individuals sharing their authentic thoughts and feelings in an assertive way (Eslami, Rabiei, Mohammad, Hamidizadeh, & Masoudi, 2016). Research also highlights the consequences women have faced when their assertiveness was incorrectly viewed as aggressiveness (Maloney & Moore, 2019). Considering the challenges faced when a woman embraces her assertive power, parents have seemingly been hesitant to encourage their daughters to be unabashedly assertive.

Why and How to Nurture Assertiveness in Girls

Why must there be a collective drive to teach young girls to be assertive? First, most people can admit that it is what they do not say that leads to increased anxiety, depression, and general dissatisfaction. While there can be consequences to being assertive or aggressive, people generally feel empowered after being brave enough to share their truth. How can you stay on the healthy side of authentic communication without crossing the line into perceived aggressiveness? How can you develop assertiveness in the face of real bias against assertive women? Young girls need help developing the power of their assertive voice and navigating the challenges that may result. Here are general behavioral TIPs to help.

Tone

To be an effective communicator, one must first have self-awareness. Is the young girl in your life someone who gets loud when she is excited about a topic of discussion? Is her voice is barely audible when she talks about something meaningful? Does it quaver when she discusses her honest feelings? If you are able to answer any of these questions, then you are somewhat aware of her natural way of communicating. Now, you must help her develop awareness of how changes in her tone may be affected by her feelings and may, in turn, affect her listener. 

When the brain experiences intense emotions, it does not process information as accurately as it does in a calmer state. The right tone matters, especially in moments of high emotional intensity. The right tone can deescalate a situation and allow the receiver of communication to process the information better and appraise the speaker more favorably (Helfrich & Weidenbecher, 2011). The wrong tone of voice can change the way the receiver codes the message as assertive or aggressive. An assertive tone can be passionate and intense with an air of calmness. An aggressive tone can also be passionate and intense, but typically has an air of uncertainty. An aggressive tone creates negative feelings in the receiver. A calm tone can create positive feelings, which means the message can be heard more clearly.

Information About the Message Receiver

 It is important to teach young girls how to know their audience. Help them think about who will be listening to what they have to say. Strong communicators can effectively speak to someone with a doctorate or someone who has a third-grade education. You can’t do that without awareness of the receiver’s capacity to receive and absorb the message. You may have something valuable to say, but if you deliver it in the wrong tone and with ineffective language, your message will not achieve the desired outcome. Knowing how to adjust based on your audience is a key skill for communicating effectively.

Our young girls need feedback. They need help understanding how their communication is received by their audience. Feedback can help them strengthen positive communication skills and weaken any negative communication delivery methods.

Posture 

Does the young girl in your life take up space when she is communicating, or does she get smaller? Does she make wild movements with her hands or hid them behind her back when she’s trying to assert herself? Behavioral positions cause natural reactions. Our brains decide if a person’s posturing is threatening or soothing. Thus, it is helpful to teach young girls to be aware of how their bodies respond when they are trying to communicate their authentic thoughts, and how their physical reactions might affect various audiences. A girl may have a lovely, impassioned message that could come across as aggressive to someone else based on their posture. While perceptions of posturing are fraught with bias, knowing how others might perceive her behavior can help young girls to develop flexibility and intention in their physical movements based on their audience.

Teaching the young girl in your life these behavioral TIPs is a start to helping her develop more lifelong assertiveness. It’s also important to expose her to assertive women.

Stock up on Books

Make sure to surround the young girl in your life with examples of women who have accomplished many things. I would invite you to devote a shelf in the home to fill with books about a variety of girls and women who have assertively accomplished their goals. Keep filling shelves up with wonderful stories of how important girls and women are in the world. Self-confidence inspires assertiveness. Also, be sure to include books by child and adult female authors who were assertive enough to write and publish their ideas. Here are some book recommendations:

Target Conditions That Negatively Impact Assertiveness

As you are teaching the young girl in your life to practice assertive communication and filling up her mind with wonderful examples of assertiveness, you must also actively work to target conditions that may negatively impact her assertive communication progress. In order for her to experience the true power of her assertiveness, she’ll need your help to reduce anticipatory anxiety or behavioral-skill deficits associated with her unassertiveness (Speed, Goldstein, & Golfried, 2017). Untreated anxiety and depression are but two conditions that can impact a young girl’s confidence to assertively communicate her thoughts. 

Therapy is a great resource she may utilize to discuss challenges to her assertiveness and practice specific skills. Assertiveness training, which can be conducted in therapy, decreases anxiety, stress, and depression (Eslami, Rabiei, Mohammad, Hamidizadeh, & Masoudi, 2016). According to Eslami et al. (2016), unassertive behaviors are obstacles that strongly correlated with fears, worries, social anxieties, and various internal aggressions. An assertive person can create closer relationships with others, express a wide range of emotions without feeling guilty, stressful, or anxious or violating the rights of others. Young girls can develop into assertive women who change the world. As Amanda Gorman stated at the inauguration, ‘If only we’re brave enough to be it.’ We owe it to the young girls in our lives to help them to Be the It called an assertive communicator.

If the young girl in your life might benefit from therapy, start looking at options with our child therapist search. If you’re reading this and thinking you might need to work on yourself before you’ll really be ready to nurture assertiveness in someone else, begin your search for a therapist near you in our directory.

References

Read the full text of Amanda Gorman’s inaugural poem ‘The Hill We Climb’. (2021, January 20). Retrieved April 22, 2021, from https://www.cnbc.com/2021/01/20/amanda-gormans-inaugural-poem-the-hill-we-climb-full-text.html

Eslami, A.A., Rabiei,L, Mohammad, S.A., Hamidizadeh, S., and Masoudi, R. (2016). The Effectiveness of Assertiveness Training on the Levels of Stress, Anxiety, and Depression of High School Students. Iranian Red Crescent Medical Journal. Jan; 18(1): e21096.

Helfrich, Hede & Weidenbecher, Philipp. (2011). Impact of Voice Pitch on Text Memory. Swiss Journal of Psychology. 70. 85-93. 10.1024/1421-0185/a000042.

Maloney, M. E., & Moore, P. (2019). From aggressive to assertive. International journal of women’s dermatology, 6(1), 46–49. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijwd.2019.09.006

Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (2017). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice. https://doi.org/10.1111/cpsp.12216

10 Communication Traps and How to Avoid Them

By Dr. Jeffrey Chernin, PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

10 Communication Traps and How to Avoid Them

Since I started practicing therapy over 25 years ago, the majority of couples I have worked with have said to me, “Most of the time, our relationship is good. But when it’s bad, it’s really bad.” At least half of the problem has to do with communication. Over time, the way couples communicate falls into a pattern. Some patterns, or dynamics, are helpful. Others not so much. Once problematic ways of communicating become established, the pattern is so predictable that most couples could write out a script about the way future disagreements will go.

If this sounds familiar, then you have found yourselves falling into communication traps, and the outcome is anger, hurt, and emotional distance. Here are ten common harmful dynamics – plus ways to avoid them. 

#1: The Round-and-Round 

The Round-and-Round is when each of you engages in a process of contradicting the other, Here’s an example: 

     “Your ex texted you? Why didn’t you tell me?”

     “I told you the other day.” 

     “No, you didn’t. I only found out because you told Jodi, and she told me.” 

     “Yes, I did. I told you that night we went to see that movie.”  

     “You did not. That was the last time. But you didn’t this time.” 

Either person can put a stop to the Round-and-Round. If your partner says, “You never told me your ex texted you,” you could reply with “I thought I did. If I didn’t, I should have.” And your partner could have begun with, “Your ex texted you? I don’t recall you telling me.”  You’re approaching each other with a lack of certainty, and the initial statement comes across as checking things out. You’re open to the possibility that you failed to mention it, and your partner admits that maybe you did say something but was possibly distracted or simply forgot.  

#2: Attack-Defend Communication

An attack is a way to express your displeasure or anger about something that your partner has done. It can sound like a challenge, and the expectation is for you to get defensive. It often takes the form of a “Why did you…?” question (as in, “Why did you tell Jodi but not me?”). 

One way to avoid the trap is to not defend yourself. This may sound counterintuitive, but think back to when you have defended yourself. Didn’t your partner simply find new ways to challenge you?

Instead, look for the emotion behind the attack. For example, “Why didn’t you text me?” You can say, “You sound pissed.” Your partner might reply with, “I sure am!” And you can reply with an apology. Disaster averted.

If you tend to go on the attack, try to not put your partner on the defensive. One way is to use a ‘preamble.’ An example is, “I know you didn’t do this intentionally, but you interrupted me several times.” 

#3: Reactivity

Reactivity is a rapid-fire exchange; rushing in as the other person is finishing a sentence or interrupting. When there’s a high degree of reactivity, you may end up in a communication trap.

To be less reactive, you may need to pause the argument and spend some time away from each other to collect yourselves. To make it work, have a pact to 

If you’re having trouble becoming less reactive, seek out information about communication. I go into detail on this and the other traps in my book Achieving Intimacy. Try writing in a journal or considering therapy for yourself. If you know where your buttons are coming from, let your partner know. That way, s/he is likely to have more empathy, take your reaction less personally, and stay cool. 

#4: What About-ism

What about-ism is when you wait until your partner brings up a complaint, and then you immediately take the opportunity for airing grievances of your own. For example, if your partner says, “I’m uncomfortable with you visiting your aunt and sitting inside. I really wish you’d sit outside to reduce your risk of Covid.” And let’s say you reply, “Yeah, well what about your shopping for clothes when I have asked you that we should limit shopping just for the essentials.” 

What about-ism is deflection, plain and simple. If your partner what-abouts you, consider answering with, “Fair point. And we should discuss it. But right now I want to finish what I just brought up. Then we can talk about your concern.”

 #5: Bad timing

If your partner does something and you become incensed, the time to talk about it isn’t when it’s happening. That’s because you’re having highly-charged emotions, and you’re more likely to start a quarrel than if you wait until you have calmed down.

 This idea isn’t new. Over 2,000 years ago, the Greek philosopher Plutarch said, “If you’re angry, get out of the situation and don’t come back until you’re calm.”

 It doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. Quite the contrary, bringing up a sensitive subject in a calm and rational manner will show your partner that you’re willing to stand up for yourself, and you’re less likely to say something you’ll regret.

 #6: Not acknowledging the good

Many people speak up when it comes to saying something when their partner does something that hurts them, angers them, or is in need of correcting. But these very same people are sparing when it comes to showing their gratitude, appreciation, and even admiration for their partners.

I have discovered that many people carry a notion inside their heads that if their partners are doing what is expected of them, there’s no need to say anything (this idea finds a corollary and perhaps its roots in corporate life). But when something upsets them,  they should absolutely say something.

However, being criticized over and over can harm your partner’s spirit. It can lead to “Not Good Enough Syndrome,” where your partner says, “No matter what I do, I’m not good enough.” 

The phrase A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine goes down applies here. As a rule-of-thumb, for every correction and criticism, I recommend three to four positive, reinforcing, and grateful comments, and it would hopefully be organic and not forced.

As important, if you have asked for a change in your their behavior and they are essentially complying, it is important to tell them that you see and appreciate your partner‘s efforts.

I have had several clients tell me that offering positive reinforcement is like treating their partners like a dog. My reply is simple: “Yes, and you should ask yourself why you are treating your dog better than your partner.”

If your partner is doing this to you, and you feel like you’re not good enough, you can ask your partner for some acknowledgment. And you can use the same tool: Acknowledge when your partner is being more positive, and try to ignore critical comments. 

#7: Assuming your Partner is a Mind Reader

If you or are upset about something, say what is bothering you. In fact, it’s a bit unfair and even perhaps a set-up to assume that your partner knows what is troubling you. Rather, be explicit.

#8: Scanning for Errors

When you disagree about something, it’s natural to point out the areas in which you differ. However, some people take this a step further and are on the lookout when their partners are mistaken. If you do this, it’s important to ask yourself why you are taking on the role of fault-finding. And why just point out the mistakes when you should also be pointing out what you think is true?

 #9: Waiting to Cash In

Imagine: You repeatedly don’t say anything when your partner does something that really bothers you. You wait. They do it again. And again. And again. Finally, you explode with anger. Instead of cashing in all of your chips at once, mention it by the second or third occurrence. You won’t have stored up as much frustration, and they won’t be so set in their ways. 

 #10 Getting into Theoretical Arguments

Theoretical arguments usually take the form of if… then… For example, “What would you say to that guy at work who has a crush on you if he actually hit on you?” These kinds of statements are often tiptoeing around something that is vulnerable to the person making it. It would be better to be more direct – to express your insecurities and fears.

Rewriting Your Scripts

These suggestions can provide useful methods to help you to avoid communication traps that couples get into time and time again. By rewriting problematic communication scripts, you are on the way as you continue to enjoy the good times, reducing the duration, intensity, and frequency of the bad, and overall strengthening your connection as you increase intimacy.

Looking for more help communicating with your partner? Click here to start your search and filter your results by “Marriage, Couples, or Relationship Counseling” under Type of Service and/or “Marriage/Couples Counseling” under Common Specialties.

Confronting difficult emotions like anger, sadness, and disappointment can be painful. It’s even harder to address those emotions in our relationships with others.

Passive aggression allows people to subtly vocalize their negative emotions without directly addressing the source of the discomfort. While passive-aggressive behavior can feel good and even righteous, it slowly erodes relationships, eliminating any chance of fixing the underlying problem.

Why Am I Passive Aggressive?

Passive aggression allows people to give voice to uncomfortable emotions without directly tackling the source of the problem. People may behave passive-aggressively for many reasons, including:

“Passive aggression is an obstacle standing in the way of emotional intimacy.”

“Passive aggression is a tactic people use to show their angry feelings in a seemingly non-combative, consequence-free way,” says Andrea Brandt, PhD, MFT, a therapist in Santa Monica, California. “When you have a deep fear of conflict, passive aggression is a way to cope with your anger while avoiding a fight. Instead of telling your partner they’ve upset you or aren’t meeting your needs, you give them the cold shoulder. But, when you don’t ask for what you need, the odds of getting your needs met are greatly reduced. Passive aggression is an obstacle standing in the way of emotional intimacy.”

Passive-Aggressive Test: Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

You may be at risk of engaging in passive-aggressive behavior if you feel unable to share your emotions. Some risk factors for passive aggression include:

Some examples of passive-aggressive behavior include:

Some hallmarks of direct, effective, non passive-aggressive behavior include:

Sometimes practicing direct communication in a nonthreatening setting is helpful for eliminating passive-aggressive behavior.

How to Stop Being Passive-Aggressive in a Relationship

Passive-aggressive behavior is inherently self-defeating. It fuels conflict and resentment. Over time, this decreases the likelihood that direct communication will be successful. It also erodes trust and communication and can make a person seem unreasonable and hostile when the real problem is communication style, not emotions.

The first step toward eliminating passive aggression is to understand its source. Is the passive aggression limited to a specific relationship, or a widespread form of coping? Do certain situations trigger passive-aggressive behavior? Are you aware of when you are being passive-aggressive? What happens when you communicate more directly? Sometimes practicing direct communication in a nonthreatening setting is helpful for eliminating passive-aggressive behavior.

For some people, passive aggression can become so integrated into their personality that it undermines most relationships. Passive-aggressive personality disorder, sometimes called negativistic personality disorder, is characterized by a widespread avoidance of direct communication. People with this personality diagnosis may have a long pattern of troubled relationships and may feel resentful about reasonable demands to directly communicate without hostility. This personality diagnosis is neither well-researched nor well-understood, and it is not listed in the DSM-5.

Therapy can help people identify harmful communication styles and establish better communication. Couples counseling may help when a relationship is so destructive or filled with conflict that partners don’t feel safe talking directly to one another. Individual counseling can help people identify the reasons for passive-aggressive communication and rehearse more effective strategies.

To find a compassionate therapist who can help with passive aggression, click here.

References:

  1. Carey, B. (2004, November 16). Oh, fine. You’re right. I’m passive-aggressive. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2004/11/16/health/psychology/oh-fine-youre-right-im-passiveaggressive.html
  2. Hall-Flavin, D. K. (2016, June 9). What is passive-aggressive behavior? What are some of the signs? Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/expert-answers/passive-aggressive-behavior/faq-20057901
  3. Hopwood, C. J., & Wright, A. G. (2012). A comparison of passive-aggressive and negativistic personality disorders. Journal of Personality Assessment, 94(3), 296-303. doi: 10.1080/00223891.2012.655819

Mom and son putting the toys in the box.Parenthood can feel like little more than endless nagging. Clean up your toys. Do your homework. No, don’t do that. No, you still can’t do that. Trying to get kids to listen can be exhausting. The frustration of nagging can also affect your relationship with your child. Parents can become angry and unkind, or they may spend so much time trying to get kids to listen that they are unable to enjoy playing with their kids. Children may become resentful or feel like the only attention they get from their parents is negative.

You don’t have to spend your kids’ childhood as an exasperated taskmaster. Here’s how to end the battle of wills for good.

What Is Nagging?

Every parent has to give their child instructions. Whether it’s teaching a child how to clean up a spill or reminding a child to pack their lunch for school, these daily reminders and instructions are par for the course.

Nagging is categorically different. Parents nag when they repeatedly remind children of their chores and obligations. The fundamental issue underlying nagging is that the parent takes on responsibility for the child. Rather than a child worrying about completing her own homework, for example, the parent manages the child’s time for them.

Nagging can be frustrating and annoying to both parents and children. It can also harm both parties in many ways, including:

Perhaps most importantly, nagging may not work. If nagging did work, parents wouldn’t have to do it all the time because children would begin remembering their obligations. So parents who nag often waste time and emotional effort on a strategy that’s doomed to fail.

Better Communication Can Lead to Better Compliance

It’s easy for adults to forget that being a kid can be tough. Empathy is key to understanding why your child doesn’t listen. In some cases, it’s as simple as feeling overwhelmed. An endless list of tasks that seem boring and irrelevant can cause kids to ignore parents. Consider instead working as a collaborative team. Some strategies that may help include:

Recognizing Needs Versus Wants

Every child is an individual with their own personality. Some kids will never care about an organized room. Others are meticulously clean. Allow space for your child’s unique personality by setting some minimum requirements, then allowing your child to decide how to meet those requirements.

Likewise, it’s important to distinguish things your child must do from things you would merely like them to do. Learning to play the piano is not a requirement for a happy, healthy childhood, while regular doctor’s appointments are. Every parent must either learn to choose their battles or spend their days in a state of perpetual frustration. Some questions to ask yourself when deciding to pick your battles include:

Therapy for Deeper Issues

Don’t allow nagging to become a chronic issue. If you still can’t stop or your child struggles to meet their obligations, you may want to find a child counselor. The right therapist can:

A compassionate therapist can help you end the nagging war. There is no shame in seeking support.

References:

  1. Atance, C. M., & Meltzoff, A. N. (2005) My future self: Young children’s ability to anticipate and explain future states. Cognitive Development, 20(1), 341-361. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3744374
  2. Chen, J. (2019, January 31). Emotional labour was eroding my marriage—This is how we tried to fix it. Today’s Parent. Retrieved from https://www.todaysparent.com/family/family-life/emotional-labour-eroding-your-marriage
  3. How to give kids effective instructions. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://childmind.org/article/how-to-give-kids-effective-instructions
  4. Myers, R. (2011, July). Why nagging doesn’t work. Retrieved from https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/parenting/why-nagging-doesnt-work
  5. Normal child behavior. (2018, October 16). Retrieved from https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Normal-Child-Behavior.aspx
  6. Penza‐Clyve, S. M., Mansell, C., & McQuaid, E. L. (2004). Why don’t children take their asthma medications? A qualitative analysis of children’s perspectives on adherence. Journal of Asthma, 41(2), 189-197. Retrieved from https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1081/JAS-120026076

Overhead view of two friends talking in a coffee shop.Can you recall an experience of being in a conversation with a friend or at work where people were talking “over” each other? Interesting things might have been said, but you may not have been able to follow the conversation or truly connect with anyone. Was that frustrating? Discouraging? Or what about an experience where someone was asking one question after another, just talking non-stop, and there was no mutual dialogue. How did this feel? Boring? Flat? Tiring?

Nearly all of us may have had the experience where we have been talking, and you can tell the other person is just waiting for us to finish so they can jump in with their story. Did you really feel heard?

When we are not connected in conversation, we can’t truly be in relationship with the person we are talking to. Active listening is about creating that connection. With active listening, conversation can be inspiring, creative, nourishing, and productive.

How Can Active and Engaged Listening Help?

Being actively engaged is both an art and a skill. By remembering that power is the ability to have an effect or to have influence, you can create many choice points in a conversation to use your power to actively engage and influence how the conversation goes. By not using your power to positively influence a conversation, you might be using it to create barriers in your relationships. Often, we unconsciously misuse our power by under-using it. We let things go rather than having the courage to shift communication to be deeper or broader, or simply to help the talk be more fun and interesting.

With active listening, conversation can be inspiring, creative, nourishing, and productive.

Here are some experiments you could try to see how engaged and relationship-oriented you are in your conversations. These all are practices for engaging in active listening.

Active Listening: Demonstrate That You Understand

We want to be understood. We want to know we are being listened to. Demonstrating understanding is not as difficult or complicated as it might seem, and you have probably done it before. You don’t have to repeat every word that was said. Simple phrases like “Got it” or “That sounds exciting” could be all that’s needed. And magically, feeling listened to will encourage the person to go on. This is the first step of active listening. Whether you are in a leadership role or trying to create a conversation with someone you care about, it is good to make sure you are at least practicing this step.

If you want to go to the next level where you are involved in a give-and-take conversation that actively grows the relationship on both sides, here’s some more guidance. This step, beyond active listening, we call engaged listening.

Engaged listening uses three strategies:

1. Connecting Comments

A connecting comment begins with making a link between what the other person is saying and your own experience.

For example: “My version of what you are saying is _________,” or “You are speaking of _________. That makes me think of _________.”

Making a connecting comment does double duty. It demonstrates that you understand and it offers you a way to include yourself and focus on something that is also of interest to you.

2. Curiosity

When making a connecting comment, you want to be guided by something about what the person is saying or how you are experiencing them that interests you or that you are curious about. Here’s where you can guide the conversation in a desired direction.

For example: “I’m really curious about what got you interested in _________. Could you tell me more?” Or, “I recently had a similar experience, and it made me curious about _________.”

Demonstrating understanding is not as difficult or complicated as it might seem, and you have probably done it before.

3. Deepening Questions

These are questions that take the conversation deeper and could also be called open-ended questions. Keep in mind questions that can be answered simply by yes or no, or even a few words, generally don’t take you deeper or to a new place. Questions that ask a person to expand on their experience by not leading to a choice (yes or no) will do wonders to keep a conversation from dead-ending. An easy way to try this would be to use questions that start with “how” or “why.”

You can sense that engaged listening is happening when people are able to demonstrate listening to each other through connecting their experience, bringing themselves into the talk with curiosity, and exploring new ideas through deepening questions.

Here are a few examples:

At Work

“Is your project done yet?”—“No.”

“Are there any obstacles?”—“ No.”

At a Party

“Who do you know here?”—“Nancy and Jim.”

Where did you grow up? “Minnesota.”—(No pause.) “I saw a good movie this week.”

“Do you do any kind of exercise?”—“Yes.”

The keys for engaged listening, as a right use of your power and influence, are to demonstrate you understand, guide the conversation toward a topic that is interesting to you both, make connecting comments that create links between you, and ask “how” or “why” questions to open up new territory. In turn, this leads to healthier and more connected relationships. In addition, you may feel more interested in others and more confident in your ability to use your power toward increased well-being.

If communication issues are negatively impacting your day-to-day life or ability to function, there is help. Search for a therapist in your area who can help you learn and practice strategies to help you connect with others.

Mature adult couple sit on rock talking openly and smilingEver had an argument? Most of us have. But have you stopped to think about why we have arguments?

Arguments in relationships are often based on the emotional response of feeling unheard. You’ve said it a thousand times, and still … nothing changes.

You would think you’d finally be listened to when you said something for the 1001st time. But when that doesn’t happen, when you still feel unheard, you are frustrated. You may even be angry.

Of course you’re frustrated. Of course you’re likely to get mad.

But try not to get mad. This often only makes the argument worse. What’s more, you still may not feel listened to.

Why Aren’t They Listening?

For just a moment, let’s consider things from your partner’s perspective to see how your attempt to be heard is being processed. They may be thinking something like this, “Oh, there they go again. Are they ever going to stop harping on about this? I feel like I’m living in purgatory!” [fat_widget_relationships_right]

They’re not listening because they feel like your repeated attempts to discuss something important is actually you nagging at them. They may feel attacked and accused. They most likely feel defensive. They probably shut down faster than you can say “Jack Robinson.”

So no, they aren’t listening. They may never have been listening. They don’t want to hear blame or criticism.

In the beginning, when you first brought up whatever it was, you likely had no intention of casting blame or criticizing. You just wanted to share something, something you wanted done or changed or understood better. But your partner took it as criticism.

That was not your fault.

Children, particularly children in troubled homes, learn survival habits and skills early. They then take those survival skills into their relationships. In a relationship, these skills may be more of a liability than an asset. But how would someone know otherwise if they’ve only ever known a family who said hurtful things it would have been better to not hear?

There could be a number of reasons behind their interpretation. Maybe they had a parent who did nag at them, possibly mercilessly. Maybe they didn’t get love or validation from that parent, either. If that was the case, it probably made perfect sense to develop the habit of tuning out.

Children, particularly children in troubled homes, learn survival habits and skills early. They then take those survival skills into their relationships. In a relationship, these skills may be more of a liability than an asset. But how would someone know otherwise if they’ve only ever known a family who said hurtful things it would have been better to not hear?

So it’s not their fault, either.

Whose fault is it, then?

It isn’t anyone’s fault.

The sooner both partners realize this, and stop thinking in terms of blame and fault, the sooner the conflict can not only be resolved, but changed permanently.

This leads me to my four-step solution to a problem many couples experience: escalating arguments.

A Four-Step Solution

1. Do something different.

A good way to break a harmful cycle is to try something different. You feel like you’ve said the same thing over and over but still aren’t being heard. Instead of reacting with an explosive outburst, take a deep breath and consider that it might be time to try a new approach.

What are some different things you could do to get your loved one’s attention?

There are as many options as there are creative ideas. Let them be surprised at what you come up with.

You might wonder why you need to be “all sunshine and roses” when your partner is the one who isn’t hearing you. You might feel like it isn’t fair.

And maybe it isn’t fair. But answer this: Do you actually want to change the dynamic and finally be heard? Or do you want to keep going in circles, forever?

2. Don’t diminish yourself.

One outcome I hear from people is that somehow they ended up stooping down to the level of the other person. Whether your partner is yelling, speaking in a belittling way, or doing any other unpleasant thing, you have the option of responding in kind or not. You can choose how you react.

A reactor, I often tell the people I work with, is like the knee-jerk reflex. When a doctor taps your knee with the little hammer to check your patellar reflect, your knee kicks out as if it has a mind of its own. That is being reactive. Your knee can’t choose to react in that way.

I encourage you to not be a knee. Decide in advance that you will not lose your temper, that you will not demean yourself by reacting negatively. Instead you’ll keep calm and maintain your dignity and self-respect.

3. Be grateful you had a different experience. 

To do this, there’s no need to put down your partner. Simply note with gratitude that in your growing-up years you didn’t need to learn to block out painful words of shame or rejection from your parents or caregivers. If you did have that similar experience, be grateful you were able to handle it better. You don’t tune out the people in your life. You don’t ignore requests for help or understanding.

Remember your partner reacts the way they do as a result of bad experience, not choice. Their actions are the product of a habit. They likely don’t even see what they’re doing and how destructive it is. Be grateful that no matter what you’ve been through, you can see how destructive this behavior is. Have compassion and empathy for those who are stuck in a rut of tuning out those they love.

When you reach this step, the first step will be much easier!

4. Breathe and meditate.

There is one final solution that is simple but still amazingly powerful. Slow down your autonomic nervous system and turn off the stress hormone cortisol in your brain, simply by deep breathing.

Research has shown that taking 20 minutes to meditate is great, but this length of time is not necessary. Don’t get me wrong. It’s wonderful if you have 20 minutes to do it. The result we’re looking for here, though, can be achieved by taking only one minute, 10 times a day, to breathe slowly and deeply. Breathe2Relax, an app you can download on your phone, can be tremendously useful for this.

To make this exercise even more powerful, hold positive thoughts in your mind while doing the deep breathing. Even if you only do this for one minute, you can retrain your brain to respond in a healthier way to the irritating situation.

Steven Stosny, the preeminent researcher working with aggressive and uncompassionate men, suggests people visualize, 12 times a day, themselves reacting to stress in a way that makes them feel more valuable. While doing this, note the good feelings that come with reacting in a more valuable, positive way (as opposed to a knee-jerk reaction of irritation).

This means doing the deep breathing while at the same time visualizing—for example, speaking to that tuned-out partner with love and understanding—and noting how good that feels. Repeat this 12 times a day. Stosny explains that this works because it creates a habit, one we can feel good about. And the beautiful thing about habits is that with practice, they become part of us.

If you and your partner are struggling to stop a cycle of arguments, or if one or both of you feel unheard, know there is help available. A qualified, compassionate couples counselor can offer support and guidance as you work through relationship challenges.

Reference:

Stosny, S. (2013). Blue-collar therapy: The nitty-gritty of lasting change. Psychotherapy Networker. 22-20, 54.

Cupped hand held over river spilling water back into riverWater is water.

Are you thinking, “Of course water is water. What else would it be?”

Perfect. If you’re thinking that, you’re already on the right track to understanding human behavior and what it means for partner rules of engagement. What do I mean by rules of engagement? Rules of engagement refer to the set of rules a person follows when engaging with a particular target. The target discussed in this article is a person’s partner.

What does the expression “Water is water” have to do with the rules a person must follow when engaging with their partner?

Well, water is a chemical substance that can exist as a solid, liquid, or gas. Water is an odorless liquid at ambient temperature and pressure—the typical temperature and pressure of the surrounding environment. Essentially, water’s natural state is liquid. But when you lower or increase the temperature or pressure, it can change into another matter state. If water is cold enough, it can turn into ice. If it is hot enough, it can turn into a gas.

Our Natural States of Being

What do water and human beings have in common?

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Just like water, we have our natural states. But we can exist in many emotional and behavioral forms—depending on the emotional temperature or life pressure placed on us. For example, you may be sitting on the sofa frustrated that your partner (or child!) will not help you clean the house unless you get into an argument and make ultimatums. You become frustrated each time you have to do this, but you are equally frustrated when they go back to their natural state of not helping you clean up until you again put pressure on them.

Water is water.

You may be upset that your partner does not plan romantic dates. While this is upsetting on its own, you are more grieved at the realization that the only time your partner does plan a romantic date is after you have a heartfelt discussion about unmet needs in your relationship. After some time passes, your partner goes right back to the state of not planning romantic dates.

Just like water, we have our natural states. But we can exist in many emotional and behavioral forms—depending on the emotional temperature or life pressure placed on us.

Water is water.

You may be a newly engaged partner struggling with your partner’s constant tardiness. You have tried to deal with your partner being late to everything in the past. But now your partner is late to what you consider one of the most important moments of your life, planning your wedding. You are concerned that, unless you get upset and draw a line in the sand, your partner will not show up to planning sessions on time. To make matters worse, you just know your partner will only be punctual a few times after an argument and will shortly go back to being the late-to-everything partner.

Water is water.

New Rules of Engagement

Even when certain facts impact behavioral change, a person’s natural state tends to remain the default. Of course, it is possible for a person to change, but this change generally comes from within.

What can you do about this?

You can try out new partner rules of engagement. These three rules can be established at any phase of the relationship.

  1. Be a partner researcher. Have you heard the saying, “The best defense is a good offense”? While dating, become an investigator of your partner’s natural states. Dating is an environment that can change the temperature and pressure of the surrounding environment. When a person says their partner was “not like this when we were dating,” that is often quite true. The pressure of being a good candidate can push someone to temporarily behave in a way that differs from the way they might typically behave. A person might be on their best behavior while dating, in other words. But as dating continues, the changed temperature and pressure in that environment becomes more ambient, or typical. A person’s natural tendencies may be more apparent than tendencies under pressure. Determine what their natural states are. If you are already in a committed, long-term relationship, examine their natural tendencies as seen across the relationship.
  2. Analyze your partner data. So you’ve determined your partner’s natural states. What do you do with that information? It helps to take a step back and determine what “pressures” tend to change their matter states. For example, you determined your partner seemed more spontaneous early in the relationship but is not naturally spontaneous. When you go to your partner and express your desire for more spontaneity, however, a change happens. They engage in more spontaneous behavior for the next few months. This tells you your partner can engage in behavior change and is willing to try to meet your needs when these needs are communicated.
  3. Interpret and make decisions. You recognize your partner has some great natural states and others that might bother you. Do you feel connected enough to your partner that you can accept all the potential existing states? Or are some of the natural states unbearable? You might recognize that no one is perfect and feel able to commit to working together with your partner, accepting all of their natural states. Or you may have determined that although your partner has some great natural states, you do not want to have to continually adjust the temperature or pressure, so to speak, to get your partner to engage in desired behaviors more often. After you have decided your level of commitment, you can decide if you can continue on in the relationship. Before you can make this decision, understand your partner is likely to go back to their natural state when the pressure become ambient. If you feel the amount of persistent pressure you would have to maintain to get more of what you need may be too much of a commitment, you may choose to move toward other partnership opportunities.

The principles of these rules of engagement don’t only apply to romantic relationships. Remembering “Water is water” can be helpful when you experience frustration with the natural state of a parent, child, friend, or coworker. The ability of humans to evolve and change matter states is truly marvelous. But we all have our default, or natural, states.

Under pressure, and in the right temperature, we can engage in behavior change. But we always have the potential to go back to our natural state. Both empathy for a partner’s natural states and love through all the states enable us to maintain long-term commitments. You may be able to adjust both pressure and temperature in your relationship, but you cannot change anyone but yourself. Applying the partner rules of engagement can help you determine if you can accept and love your partner’s natural states.

The next time you feel disappointed when your partner does not help with the kids, clean the apartment, take the trash out, or plan a romantic date, say to yourself “Water is water” and talk to your partner about how you feel. Couples therapy can also be a great place to process relational dynamics and determine action steps both of you might take to create change in your relationship. If you’d like help processing what “Water is water” means in your relationship and exploring action steps you might take based on your analyses, reach out to a qualified counselor in your area.

Couple on floor sitting together looking through papersPartnering for life takes dedication. Almost everyone would agree that trust and commitment are needed for every healthy relationship to flourish. But what are some of the other essential characteristics for a mutually fulfilling and loving partnership?

People who are in relationships or who desire to find lasting love might wonder, what is it that makes love last? How do some marriages or partnerships survive and thrive while others plunge and dive? Emotionally intelligent couples seem to be on to something. But what specifically are they doing to strengthen and develop their relationships?

What Is Love?

The word “love” may bring to mind a variety of thoughts and feelings. These ideas may differ from person to person. So what does love actually mean?

When it comes to the study of love, the English language can be somewhat limiting in its definition. Ancient Greek provides a much richer understanding of the many dimensions of love. In Ancient Greek, there are many different words for love. For the purposes of this article, I’ll focus on three words: éros, philia, and storgē. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

Emotional Intelligence

It is generally the case that couples with thriving, strong relationships have well-developed emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence describes a person’s ability to be aware of, control, and express emotions in a healthy manner. In other words, it is the capacity to handle relationships appropriately and empathetically. In a partnership, emotional intelligence translates into the ability to be in touch with your own emotions as well as those of your partner.

A person’s capacity for empathy and ability to talk about emotions in a healthy and loving way are both components of emotional intelligence. In a partnership or marriage, emotional intelligence may be seen in many areas. It is sustained over the course of a lifetime and is vital for making love last.

The following are eight key areas where emotionally intelligent couples practice loving well.

1. Friendship

At the core of a good relationship is friendship. Emotionally intelligent couples stand the test of time because they are friends who support and care for each other. They share a bond of mutual affection. They know each other’s internal world and understand each other’s likes and dislikes. They are companions and confidants.

2. Deep respect

Emotionally intelligent couples respect each other and have feelings of deep admiration toward each other. They are able to honor their partner and their needs and wishes and hold them in high regard or esteem. Partners generally think very well of each other and can each appreciate the unique qualities, achievements, or abilities of the other. They demonstrate on a regular basis that they appreciate one another, both verbally and nonverbally.

3. Communication

In a partnership or marriage, emotional intelligence may be exhibited in many areas. It is sustained over the course of a lifetime and is vital for making love last.

Couples who are able to communicate their thoughts, needs, and feelings in a healthy way are more likely to have a thriving relationship than couples who have difficulty with communication. Their conversations don’t regularly display signs of criticism or contempt, and they typically do not start off abruptly.

Dr. John Gottman found, while conducting research on couples, that conversations generally end poorly when they start out harshly. In fact, the first three minutes of a conversation often determine its outcome. Emotionally intelligent couples generally speak to one another in a respectful manner, conveying this respect through tone, intonation, and intent.

4. Conflict management

Couples who have thriving, lasting relationships generally know how to navigate conflict. They have learned how to effectively manage their disagreements and differences in life. It is not necessarily the case that they have less conflict than other couples. Rather, they have figured out how to listen and understand the perspective or position of the other. They have also likely learned how to exercise compromise in their relationship.

5. Encouraging the relationship

Emotionally intelligent couples encourage the relationship, through understanding of their identity as a couple in addition to their separate identities as individuals. They feel confident in their respective roles and in the partnership itself. They are for the relationship. They don’t threaten it by saying things like, “I want a divorce,” or “I am going to leave you.” Instead, they talk about problems that arise, as they arise. If the problems are too difficult to solve on their own, they seek help from a professional.

6. Exercising healthy boundaries

Couples who thrive exercise clear boundaries, especially when dealing with other relationships. They recognize the slippery slope of infidelity and don’t create space for emotional or physical affairs to happen. They utilize what the late Dr. Shirley Glass illustrates on in her research on infidelity. Whether they recognize it or not, they view the world outside through a glass window of openness and honesty. Together, they construct a wall that shields them from forces that have the power to separate them or otherwise challenged the relationship. In order to keep their relationship a priority, they exercise a united front.

7. Being aware of meaning, value, and purpose

Emotionally intelligent couples are aware of what is meaningful to each other. This might translate into understanding what motivates the other in life and what they are passionate about, such as their dreams, goals, or values. Couples who thrive support each other’s endeavors to have a meaningful and purposeful life—both individually and together.

8. Sharing life

Couples who thrive share their lives. They find ways of connecting on a regular basis. Whether they acknowledge it or not, they are mindful of staying connected and turning toward their partner. They have at least a few common interests or shared activities, and they take time to recreate together. In the words of Henry David Thoreau, “There is no remedy for love but to love more.”

Making love last takes dedication and commitment, but it is certainly possible to do so. Being mindful of the ways to practice éros, philia and storgē love can help you make love last in all areas of your life. [amazon_affiliate]

If you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship, or want help developing emotional intelligence with your partner, consider reaching out to a trained couples counselor today.

References:

  1. Lewis, C. S. (1960). The four loves. New York, NY: Harcourt Bruce Jovanovich, Publishers.
  2. Glass, S. P. (2004). Not “just friends:” Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity. New York, NY: Free Press.
  3. Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Rear view photo of two friends sitting together on beach at sunsetDo you have a friend who is diagnosed with a chronic illness? Having a chronic illness can present any number of challenges for the person who has been diagnosed. Some of these challenges may be realized by the loved ones of the person with the illness. At times, these issues also may have some impact on the lives of the people close to the person with the illness.

If you are close to someone who has a chronic illness, you may be very aware of the above. You might also, despite knowing none of these difficulties are the person’s fault, become frustrated with them from time to time.

If you do, it’s okay to admit it. You are not alone in your feelings.

Let me tell you about my good friend Sarah. We met three years ago working at a coffee shop. She is outgoing, intelligent, and driven, and we immediately hit it off. However, Sarah was diagnosed with both fibromyalgia and chronic migraines. Her symptoms flare up unpredictably, and as a result, she has trouble holding a full-time job. In fact, she lost the job at the coffee shop because she couldn’t keep up with her scheduled shifts. When she was fired for absenteeism, I felt bad for her, but to be honest, I was also relieved. Since she called in sick so frequently, coworkers, myself included, were asked to fill in for her, which disrupted our own personal schedules. Needless to say, that was difficult for all of us. [fat_widget_right]

Sarah also battles depression and anxiety related to her diagnoses. I personally can’t imagine what it’s like to live with chronic illness, but I can see how it can be depressing not being able to meet the goals you set, or frequently needing to change plans at a moment’s notice to deal with a flare-up of illness. Sometimes Sarah is too sad to get out of bed and cancels our plans. At other times she’s so anxious it makes her physically sick. Often she’s stuck in her head and doesn’t ask about how I’m doing. While I understand coping with all of the things she experiences must be difficult, it’s very frustrating when she cancels plans at the last minute or spends most of the time, when we do get to spend time together, discussing the physical difficulties she’s currently experiencing.

We show our friends we love them by offering support and our care, but we can’t forget to show love to ourselves by taking care of ourselves at the same time.

I want to support my friend, both in general and through her struggles. Our friendship is too important for me to give up. But I do also want to feel heard and encouraged by her. So as awkward as it was, I initiated a frank and open conversation. Together, we decided the following guidelines could help us both cope with her chronic illness:

  1. Be a good listener. While I’m willing to listen and give Sarah support when she faces challenges, I also want to share my thoughts and feelings and be heard by her. Sometimes I just need to ask bluntly for her ear, but she appreciates it when I do and admits that listening to my problems helps take her mind off hers.
  2. Be flexible. This is a tough one sometimes, especially if Sarah cancels plans at the last minute. I’ve learned that’s it’s all right to admit I’m disappointed. But it was also important for her to know that canceling plans is not a friendship-breaker. It’s important that we reschedule any canceled dates, but I also follow through with our original plans, even if it means going alone. This helps me not feel resentful about not being able to do what we had planned.
  3. Be informed. Before meeting Sarah, I had no idea what fibromyalgia really was. To be completely honest, I thought it was a made-up disease. But after reading clinical articles about it and attending a medical appointment with Sarah, I was better able to better understand how this “invisible illness” affects her life. It helped me learn not to blame her when she canceled our plans.
  4. Be mindful. We carefully word the questions we ask each other, using open-ended questions rather than ones that can be answered with a “Yes” or “No.” By doing so, we keep the lines of communication between us open and can get a better understanding of our situations in the moment. I also make sure to remain mindful of how I’m feeling. When I am having a rough day or week and communicate that, I feel better about being able to focus on my own needs.
  5. Be honest. Honesty is always the best policy. If Sarah doesn’t feel up to walking around a museum for several hours, then I want her to tell me that. Otherwise, neither one of us will enjoy the date. Likewise, I need to be open with her if I’m feeling frustrated or unheard by her. It isn’t easy to have these kinds of conversations with anyone, but Sarah and I have found that doing so helps us maintain a healthy friendship.

I have found having a friend with a chronic illness to be both a blessing and a challenge. Chronic illness will affect Sarah forever, so as long as we’re friends, I’ll be affected too. Sarah has opened my mind to diagnoses I didn’t know existed, and that has helped me be more understanding of the many challenging situations other people might also be experiencing. My friendship with Sarah has also helped me learn to more effectively identify and understand my own needs. I have also come to better understand just how important it is to maintain open communication and focus on self-care.

We show our friends we love them by offering support and our care, but we can’t forget to show love to ourselves by taking care of ourselves at the same time. If you would like help exploring ways to prioritize self-care or work on communication, a qualified and compassionate therapist or counselor is always a good resource.

References:

  1. Metzger, C. (2016, July 22). Have a friend with chronic illness? Here are 10 ways you can help. Huffington Post. Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/have-a-friend-whos-chronically-ill-here-are-10-ways_us_57866e23e4b0e7c8734f4804
  2. Renee, B. (2017, November 10). 9 ways to better support someone with chronic illness. The Mighty. Retrieved from https://themighty.com/2017/11/supporting-friends-with-chronic-illnesses
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