by Dr. Jocelyn Markowicz, PhD, Psychologist in San Diego, CA

Girl Assertiveness Power: How to Teach Young Girls to Assert Their Power Like Amanda Gorman  

At the 2021 Presidential Inauguration, Amanda Gorman, a poet and activist, performed her poem “The Hill We Climb.” She shared these powerful words: “When day comes, we ask ourselves, where can we find light in this never-ending shade?” This line illuminated a shade that looms over our young girls, cloaking their voices within the darkness of unassertiveness. While Gorman’s performance spoke powerfully across a vast sea of change needed, her presence and assertiveness courageously inspired people all over the world to stand in the light of assertive power. How can we teach young girls to be more assertive despite their fear of being viewed as aggressive? 

Why Female Assertiveness Is Complicated

Research supports the benefits of individuals sharing their authentic thoughts and feelings in an assertive way (Eslami, Rabiei, Mohammad, Hamidizadeh, & Masoudi, 2016). Research also highlights the consequences women have faced when their assertiveness was incorrectly viewed as aggressiveness (Maloney & Moore, 2019). Considering the challenges faced when a woman embraces her assertive power, parents have seemingly been hesitant to encourage their daughters to be unabashedly assertive.

Why and How to Nurture Assertiveness in Girls

Why must there be a collective drive to teach young girls to be assertive? First, most people can admit that it is what they do not say that leads to increased anxiety, depression, and general dissatisfaction. While there can be consequences to being assertive or aggressive, people generally feel empowered after being brave enough to share their truth. How can you stay on the healthy side of authentic communication without crossing the line into perceived aggressiveness? How can you develop assertiveness in the face of real bias against assertive women? Young girls need help developing the power of their assertive voice and navigating the challenges that may result. Here are general behavioral TIPs to help.

Tone

To be an effective communicator, one must first have self-awareness. Is the young girl in your life someone who gets loud when she is excited about a topic of discussion? Is her voice is barely audible when she talks about something meaningful? Does it quaver when she discusses her honest feelings? If you are able to answer any of these questions, then you are somewhat aware of her natural way of communicating. Now, you must help her develop awareness of how changes in her tone may be affected by her feelings and may, in turn, affect her listener. 

When the brain experiences intense emotions, it does not process information as accurately as it does in a calmer state. The right tone matters, especially in moments of high emotional intensity. The right tone can deescalate a situation and allow the receiver of communication to process the information better and appraise the speaker more favorably (Helfrich & Weidenbecher, 2011). The wrong tone of voice can change the way the receiver codes the message as assertive or aggressive. An assertive tone can be passionate and intense with an air of calmness. An aggressive tone can also be passionate and intense, but typically has an air of uncertainty. An aggressive tone creates negative feelings in the receiver. A calm tone can create positive feelings, which means the message can be heard more clearly.

Information About the Message Receiver

 It is important to teach young girls how to know their audience. Help them think about who will be listening to what they have to say. Strong communicators can effectively speak to someone with a doctorate or someone who has a third-grade education. You can’t do that without awareness of the receiver’s capacity to receive and absorb the message. You may have something valuable to say, but if you deliver it in the wrong tone and with ineffective language, your message will not achieve the desired outcome. Knowing how to adjust based on your audience is a key skill for communicating effectively.

Our young girls need feedback. They need help understanding how their communication is received by their audience. Feedback can help them strengthen positive communication skills and weaken any negative communication delivery methods.

Posture 

Does the young girl in your life take up space when she is communicating, or does she get smaller? Does she make wild movements with her hands or hid them behind her back when she’s trying to assert herself? Behavioral positions cause natural reactions. Our brains decide if a person’s posturing is threatening or soothing. Thus, it is helpful to teach young girls to be aware of how their bodies respond when they are trying to communicate their authentic thoughts, and how their physical reactions might affect various audiences. A girl may have a lovely, impassioned message that could come across as aggressive to someone else based on their posture. While perceptions of posturing are fraught with bias, knowing how others might perceive her behavior can help young girls to develop flexibility and intention in their physical movements based on their audience.

Teaching the young girl in your life these behavioral TIPs is a start to helping her develop more lifelong assertiveness. It’s also important to expose her to assertive women.

Stock up on Books

Make sure to surround the young girl in your life with examples of women who have accomplished many things. I would invite you to devote a shelf in the home to fill with books about a variety of girls and women who have assertively accomplished their goals. Keep filling shelves up with wonderful stories of how important girls and women are in the world. Self-confidence inspires assertiveness. Also, be sure to include books by child and adult female authors who were assertive enough to write and publish their ideas. Here are some book recommendations:

• The Hill We Climb by Amanda Gorman
• The Book of Gutsy Women by Chelsea Clinton and Hillary Clinton
• Start Now! You Can Make a Difference by Chelsea Clinton
• She Persisted Around the World: 13 Women Who Changed History by Chelsea Clinton
• Dear Girl by Amy Krouse Rosenthal and Paris Rosenthal
• Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls by Rebel Girls, Francesca Cavallo and Elena Favilli
• The Bee Psychologist: I Wish My Mom Had Five Heads! by Liz Middle and Jocelyn Markowicz, Ph.D.
• Like a Girl by Lori Degman and Mara Penny
• A Good Kind of Trouble by Lisa Moore Ramee
• Ambitious Girl by Meena Harris

Target Conditions That Negatively Impact Assertiveness

As you are teaching the young girl in your life to practice assertive communication and filling up her mind with wonderful examples of assertiveness, you must also actively work to target conditions that may negatively impact her assertive communication progress. In order for her to experience the true power of her assertiveness, she’ll need your help to reduce anticipatory anxiety or behavioral-skill deficits associated with her unassertiveness (Speed, Goldstein, & Golfried, 2017). Untreated anxiety and depression are but two conditions that can impact a young girl’s confidence to assertively communicate her thoughts. 

Therapy is a great resource she may utilize to discuss challenges to her assertiveness and practice specific skills. Assertiveness training, which can be conducted in therapy, decreases anxiety, stress, and depression (Eslami, Rabiei, Mohammad, Hamidizadeh, & Masoudi, 2016). According to Eslami et al. (2016), unassertive behaviors are obstacles that strongly correlated with fears, worries, social anxieties, and various internal aggressions. An assertive person can create closer relationships with others, express a wide range of emotions without feeling guilty, stressful, or anxious or violating the rights of others. Young girls can develop into assertive women who change the world. As Amanda Gorman stated at the inauguration, ‘If only we’re brave enough to be it.’ We owe it to the young girls in our lives to help them to Be the It called an assertive communicator.

If the young girl in your life might benefit from therapy, start looking at options with our child therapist search. If you’re reading this and thinking you might need to work on yourself before you’ll really be ready to nurture assertiveness in someone else, begin your search for a therapist near you in our directory.

References

Read the full text of Amanda Gorman’s inaugural poem ‘The Hill We Climb’. (2021, January 20). Retrieved April 22, 2021, from https://www.cnbc.com/2021/01/20/amanda-gormans-inaugural-poem-the-hill-we-climb-full-text.html

Eslami, A.A., Rabiei,L, Mohammad, S.A., Hamidizadeh, S., and Masoudi, R. (2016). The Effectiveness of Assertiveness Training on the Levels of Stress, Anxiety, and Depression of High School Students. Iranian Red Crescent Medical Journal. Jan; 18(1): e21096.

Helfrich, Hede & Weidenbecher, Philipp. (2011). Impact of Voice Pitch on Text Memory. Swiss Journal of Psychology. 70. 85-93. 10.1024/1421-0185/a000042.

Maloney, M. E., & Moore, P. (2019). From aggressive to assertive. International journal of women’s dermatology, 6(1), 46–49. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijwd.2019.09.006

Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (2017). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice. https://doi.org/10.1111/cpsp.12216

Low self-esteem has become an epidemic in our society. Feelings of unworthiness and an impaired self-image can occur starting at a young age and may lead to mental health issues, including depression and anxiety. People who lack confidence in their abilities may negatively compare themselves to others and may refrain from trying new things out of fear of failure.

Because of unrealistic media portrayals of what a healthy body looks like, young girls and women can be especially vulnerable to developing low self-esteem and body image issues. When girls are conditioned to believe skinny bodies are desirable and should be the norm, they may feel inadequate by comparison. According to a survey conducted in 2016, 69% of women and 65% of girls feel pressured to attain an unrealistic standard of “beauty.” The negative impact on their overall view of themselves can lead to decreased self-confidence and feelings of unworthiness, as well as “yo-yo dieting” and/or eating disorders.

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Social media can also contribute to an impaired view of self-worth, as many people tend to compare their lives with others and may feel they come up lacking. Seeing only happy moments and pictures posted online can create a discrepancy in what people would like to see in their own lives and the reality of what is happening. Understanding that social media portray an unrealistic and limited view of people’s experiences is important to keep in mind.

Because low self-esteem can be so harmful, finding ways to feel better about ourselves and our abilities is vital to our well-being. The following are some methods that can be used to help increase self-esteem:

• Don’t beat yourself up. A common issue for people with low self-esteem is negative self-talk. If you have a tendency to beat yourself up, try to replace the negative inner dialogue with positive statements about yourself. Look for your strengths and focus on these, rather than on your weaknesses. When you catch yourself berating yourself, replace the negative self-talk with positive affirmations about yourself.
• Don’t compare yourself to other people. We are all special and unique, with different gifts to offer. Trying to become like others or to measure up to others’ standards can be exhausting and make us feel inadequate. Concentrate instead on being the best version of yourself that you can be and on improving on the innate skills you already possess.
• Avoid perfectionism. We are all human and therefore imperfect. Striving for an idealized version of yourself can be detrimental, as you will never be able to achieve perfection. While having attainable goals to work toward is important, don’t feel as if you have to do everything perfectly. Failure can actually be beneficial at times, as we may learn valuable lessons that can help us with future endeavors.
• Develop a healthier relationship with your body. If you tend to struggle with body image issues, work toward developing a better outlook by focusing on health rather than on weight. Choose healthy eating options whenever possible without going overboard. In addition, find an activity you enjoy that you can commit to on a regular basis. This could be going for a daily walk after work, taking a kickboxing or yoga class, or working out at the gym.
• Limit your use of social media. Try to avoid spending too much time on social media, as this can lead to unrealistic expectations regarding relationships and lifestyles. Remember that most people only post pictures that make their lives appear happy and fun, but that this is not an accurate representation of their experience as a whole. Spending too much time looking at what others are doing also means we are spending less time enjoying our own lives.
• Set attainable goals. Determining what to focus on in our lives is important, so take some time to set some goals for yourself and break these down into small steps that can gradually help you accomplish them. Feeling we are making progress toward our dreams can help to boost our confidence levels and make us feel good about ourselves.
• Meet with a counselor. If self-esteem issues have become a serious problem in your life and/or have led to depression, anxiety, substance abuse, or an eating disorder, you may want to consider meeting with a therapist in order to work on healing any inner wounds and improving your self-image.

Although low self-esteem has become commonplace in our society, there are ways we can work on developing a healthier sense of self. Try some or all of the ideas listed above to increase your self-confidence and start to feel better about yourself. If you want support, contact a licensed therapist.

Reference:

New Dove research finds beauty pressures up, and women and girls calling for change. (2016, June 21). Retrieved from http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/new-dove-research-finds-beauty-pressures-up-and-women-and-girls-calling-for-change-583743391.html