“Stop fighting with each other and start fighting for one another”– Staci Lee Schnell 

In a fight, there is a winner and a loser and most of us want to win.  So, if you are fighting with your spouse, and you are the winner, that would make them the loser.  Do you really want your partner to be a loser?  Wouldn’t it be better if your marriage was the winner?  If you stop fighting and start communicating with respect, you both win and more importantly, your marriage wins.  Communicating clearly and effectively with your spouse allows for a healthier and happier marriage.   

It’s perfectly okay and completely normal to have disagreements and different points of view from your partner.  Having different thoughts and ideas, shouldn’t be a cause for a fight but rather a cause for good conversations, where both of you are heard and validated.  Validation is essential in honoring your spouse’s different opinions.  But how can you validate them if you aren’t listening to them?  Active listening can alleviate interruptions, misunderstandings, and heated emotions as well as promote being in tune with your partner’s thoughts and feelings.  

 The following is a communication tool to try out that promotes active listening and validation: 

Step 1: Partner A is the speaker while Partner B is the listener.   Partner A speaks, without blame, their truth, point of view, or issue.  Partner B listens without interruption. Feel free to take notes. 

Step 2: Partner B says, “What I heard you say is…” and in their own words summarizes what they heard Partner A say.  Then Partner B says, “Did I get it right?”  Partner A answers “yes” or “no”.  If yes, Partner B says “Is there anything else?”  Partner A answers “Yes” or “No”. If no, it’s time for step 3.  If Partner A answers no to “Did I get it right?” they stay calm, they don’t get upset at their partner, they simply try saying it in a different way.  Partner B tries again with, “What I heard you say” and “Did I get it right?”  Don’t move on to step 3 until Partner B gets it right and Partner A has nothing else.  

Step 3: Partner B now validates Partner A.  If an apology is needed, this is the time.  This step is about making Partner A feel completely heard and understood.  It doesn’t mean that Partner B needs to agree with Partner A, it merely means that Partner B shows their understanding of Partner A.   

Step 4: Switch speaker and listener roles and repeat steps 2 and 3 in the new roles. 

Step 5: Now that each has been heard and validated, come up with a plan of action.  The next time this happens we are going to do this…, this is the decision, and compromise we are making…, we can agree to disagree. 

The above communication tool promotes active listening, which brings about a positive change in attitude towards each other. Instead of fighting, couples are communicating honestly and effectively with less defensiveness and anger.   Paraphrasing, summarizing, and clarifying allows for true validation.   

Validation communicates to your partner that the relationship is important, even if you do not agree with the issue or issues at hand.  Mutual validation is essential in a healthy and happy relationship because each feels heard, valued, and understood.  Feeling validated by your spouse can help one to feel appreciated, and loved and that their opinions are worthwhile.  

The timing of the above communication tool is truly important.  If one of you is feeling heated or flooded, take some time to calm down.  Take 10-20 minutes to reflect on your emotions and ask yourself some questions. Why am I upset? What am I trying to convey? What triggered me? How can I express myself clearly?  These questions will help you focus on what and how to say what has upset you, as well giving you the time you need to get calmer.   

Make sure to not sweep the event, issue, or topic under the rug and not discuss it.  Don’t hold back to avoid conflict. That will only promote resentment for the unresolved issue or issues. Resentment can make one feel that the relationship is in a constant ill state. After 10 or 20 minutes, come back together and use the above communication tool. If the circumstances don’t allow for the conversation to be had right away, put a pin in it and revisit it as soon as possible. If you want you can set an appointment with each other to have the needed discussion.   

Marriage Counseling can help couples clearly and effectively utilize the active listening and validation techniques described above. Couples Counseling helps to create a better understanding of each other, deepen emotional bonds, reestablish intimacy and trust, and overall improve your relationship and marriage.  

 

By Dr. Jeffrey Chernin, PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

10 Communication Traps and How to Avoid Them

Since I started practicing therapy over 25 years ago, the majority of couples I have worked with have said to me, “Most of the time, our relationship is good. But when it’s bad, it’s really bad.” At least half of the problem has to do with communication. Over time, the way couples communicate falls into a pattern. Some patterns, or dynamics, are helpful. Others not so much. Once problematic ways of communicating become established, the pattern is so predictable that most couples could write out a script about the way future disagreements will go.

If this sounds familiar, then you have found yourselves falling into communication traps, and the outcome is anger, hurt, and emotional distance. Here are ten common harmful dynamics – plus ways to avoid them. 

#1: The Round-and-Round 

The Round-and-Round is when each of you engages in a process of contradicting the other, Here’s an example: 

     “Your ex texted you? Why didn’t you tell me?”

     “I told you the other day.” 

     “No, you didn’t. I only found out because you told Jodi, and she told me.” 

     “Yes, I did. I told you that night we went to see that movie.”  

     “You did not. That was the last time. But you didn’t this time.” 

Either person can put a stop to the Round-and-Round. If your partner says, “You never told me your ex texted you,” you could reply with “I thought I did. If I didn’t, I should have.” And your partner could have begun with, “Your ex texted you? I don’t recall you telling me.”  You’re approaching each other with a lack of certainty, and the initial statement comes across as checking things out. You’re open to the possibility that you failed to mention it, and your partner admits that maybe you did say something but was possibly distracted or simply forgot.  

#2: Attack-Defend Communication

An attack is a way to express your displeasure or anger about something that your partner has done. It can sound like a challenge, and the expectation is for you to get defensive. It often takes the form of a “Why did you…?” question (as in, “Why did you tell Jodi but not me?”). 

One way to avoid the trap is to not defend yourself. This may sound counterintuitive, but think back to when you have defended yourself. Didn’t your partner simply find new ways to challenge you?

Instead, look for the emotion behind the attack. For example, “Why didn’t you text me?” You can say, “You sound pissed.” Your partner might reply with, “I sure am!” And you can reply with an apology. Disaster averted.

If you tend to go on the attack, try to not put your partner on the defensive. One way is to use a ‘preamble.’ An example is, “I know you didn’t do this intentionally, but you interrupted me several times.” 

#3: Reactivity

Reactivity is a rapid-fire exchange; rushing in as the other person is finishing a sentence or interrupting. When there’s a high degree of reactivity, you may end up in a communication trap.

To be less reactive, you may need to pause the argument and spend some time away from each other to collect yourselves. To make it work, have a pact to 

• Not blame the other person for the need to cool down (Rather, say something like, “I’m getting upset and I’m having trouble hearing you over my thoughts”).
• Promise to pick up the topic later and follow up.
• The reply to a request for a cool-down should consist of one word: OK. 

If you’re having trouble becoming less reactive, seek out information about communication. I go into detail on this and the other traps in my book Achieving Intimacy. Try writing in a journal or considering therapy for yourself. If you know where your buttons are coming from, let your partner know. That way, s/he is likely to have more empathy, take your reaction less personally, and stay cool. 

#4: What About-ism

What about-ism is when you wait until your partner brings up a complaint, and then you immediately take the opportunity for airing grievances of your own. For example, if your partner says, “I’m uncomfortable with you visiting your aunt and sitting inside. I really wish you’d sit outside to reduce your risk of Covid.” And let’s say you reply, “Yeah, well what about your shopping for clothes when I have asked you that we should limit shopping just for the essentials.” 

What about-ism is deflection, plain and simple. If your partner what-abouts you, consider answering with, “Fair point. And we should discuss it. But right now I want to finish what I just brought up. Then we can talk about your concern.”

 #5: Bad timing

If your partner does something and you become incensed, the time to talk about it isn’t when it’s happening. That’s because you’re having highly-charged emotions, and you’re more likely to start a quarrel than if you wait until you have calmed down.

 This idea isn’t new. Over 2,000 years ago, the Greek philosopher Plutarch said, “If you’re angry, get out of the situation and don’t come back until you’re calm.”

 It doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. Quite the contrary, bringing up a sensitive subject in a calm and rational manner will show your partner that you’re willing to stand up for yourself, and you’re less likely to say something you’ll regret.

 #6: Not acknowledging the good

Many people speak up when it comes to saying something when their partner does something that hurts them, angers them, or is in need of correcting. But these very same people are sparing when it comes to showing their gratitude, appreciation, and even admiration for their partners.

I have discovered that many people carry a notion inside their heads that if their partners are doing what is expected of them, there’s no need to say anything (this idea finds a corollary and perhaps its roots in corporate life). But when something upsets them,  they should absolutely say something.

However, being criticized over and over can harm your partner’s spirit. It can lead to “Not Good Enough Syndrome,” where your partner says, “No matter what I do, I’m not good enough.” 

The phrase A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine goes down applies here. As a rule-of-thumb, for every correction and criticism, I recommend three to four positive, reinforcing, and grateful comments, and it would hopefully be organic and not forced.

As important, if you have asked for a change in your their behavior and they are essentially complying, it is important to tell them that you see and appreciate your partner‘s efforts.

I have had several clients tell me that offering positive reinforcement is like treating their partners like a dog. My reply is simple: “Yes, and you should ask yourself why you are treating your dog better than your partner.”

If your partner is doing this to you, and you feel like you’re not good enough, you can ask your partner for some acknowledgment. And you can use the same tool: Acknowledge when your partner is being more positive, and try to ignore critical comments. 

#7: Assuming your Partner is a Mind Reader

If you or are upset about something, say what is bothering you. In fact, it’s a bit unfair and even perhaps a set-up to assume that your partner knows what is troubling you. Rather, be explicit.

#8: Scanning for Errors

When you disagree about something, it’s natural to point out the areas in which you differ. However, some people take this a step further and are on the lookout when their partners are mistaken. If you do this, it’s important to ask yourself why you are taking on the role of fault-finding. And why just point out the mistakes when you should also be pointing out what you think is true?

 #9: Waiting to Cash In

Imagine: You repeatedly don’t say anything when your partner does something that really bothers you. You wait. They do it again. And again. And again. Finally, you explode with anger. Instead of cashing in all of your chips at once, mention it by the second or third occurrence. You won’t have stored up as much frustration, and they won’t be so set in their ways. 

 #10 Getting into Theoretical Arguments

Theoretical arguments usually take the form of if… then… For example, “What would you say to that guy at work who has a crush on you if he actually hit on you?” These kinds of statements are often tiptoeing around something that is vulnerable to the person making it. It would be better to be more direct – to express your insecurities and fears.

Rewriting Your Scripts

These suggestions can provide useful methods to help you to avoid communication traps that couples get into time and time again. By rewriting problematic communication scripts, you are on the way as you continue to enjoy the good times, reducing the duration, intensity, and frequency of the bad, and overall strengthening your connection as you increase intimacy.

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