10 Communication Traps and How to Avoid Them

By Dr. Jeffrey Chernin, PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

10 Communication Traps and How to Avoid Them

Since I started practicing therapy over 25 years ago, the majority of couples I have worked with have said to me, “Most of the time, our relationship is good. But when it’s bad, it’s really bad.” At least half of the problem has to do with communication. Over time, the way couples communicate falls into a pattern. Some patterns, or dynamics, are helpful. Others not so much. Once problematic ways of communicating become established, the pattern is so predictable that most couples could write out a script about the way future disagreements will go.

If this sounds familiar, then you have found yourselves falling into communication traps, and the outcome is anger, hurt, and emotional distance. Here are ten common harmful dynamics – plus ways to avoid them. 

#1: The Round-and-Round 

The Round-and-Round is when each of you engages in a process of contradicting the other, Here’s an example: 

     “Your ex texted you? Why didn’t you tell me?”

     “I told you the other day.” 

     “No, you didn’t. I only found out because you told Jodi, and she told me.” 

     “Yes, I did. I told you that night we went to see that movie.”  

     “You did not. That was the last time. But you didn’t this time.” 

Either person can put a stop to the Round-and-Round. If your partner says, “You never told me your ex texted you,” you could reply with “I thought I did. If I didn’t, I should have.” And your partner could have begun with, “Your ex texted you? I don’t recall you telling me.”  You’re approaching each other with a lack of certainty, and the initial statement comes across as checking things out. You’re open to the possibility that you failed to mention it, and your partner admits that maybe you did say something but was possibly distracted or simply forgot.  

#2: Attack-Defend Communication

An attack is a way to express your displeasure or anger about something that your partner has done. It can sound like a challenge, and the expectation is for you to get defensive. It often takes the form of a “Why did you…?” question (as in, “Why did you tell Jodi but not me?”). 

One way to avoid the trap is to not defend yourself. This may sound counterintuitive, but think back to when you have defended yourself. Didn’t your partner simply find new ways to challenge you?

Instead, look for the emotion behind the attack. For example, “Why didn’t you text me?” You can say, “You sound pissed.” Your partner might reply with, “I sure am!” And you can reply with an apology. Disaster averted.

If you tend to go on the attack, try to not put your partner on the defensive. One way is to use a ‘preamble.’ An example is, “I know you didn’t do this intentionally, but you interrupted me several times.” 

#3: Reactivity

Reactivity is a rapid-fire exchange; rushing in as the other person is finishing a sentence or interrupting. When there’s a high degree of reactivity, you may end up in a communication trap.

To be less reactive, you may need to pause the argument and spend some time away from each other to collect yourselves. To make it work, have a pact to 

If you’re having trouble becoming less reactive, seek out information about communication. I go into detail on this and the other traps in my book Achieving Intimacy. Try writing in a journal or considering therapy for yourself. If you know where your buttons are coming from, let your partner know. That way, s/he is likely to have more empathy, take your reaction less personally, and stay cool. 

#4: What About-ism

What about-ism is when you wait until your partner brings up a complaint, and then you immediately take the opportunity for airing grievances of your own. For example, if your partner says, “I’m uncomfortable with you visiting your aunt and sitting inside. I really wish you’d sit outside to reduce your risk of Covid.” And let’s say you reply, “Yeah, well what about your shopping for clothes when I have asked you that we should limit shopping just for the essentials.” 

What about-ism is deflection, plain and simple. If your partner what-abouts you, consider answering with, “Fair point. And we should discuss it. But right now I want to finish what I just brought up. Then we can talk about your concern.”

 #5: Bad timing

If your partner does something and you become incensed, the time to talk about it isn’t when it’s happening. That’s because you’re having highly-charged emotions, and you’re more likely to start a quarrel than if you wait until you have calmed down.

 This idea isn’t new. Over 2,000 years ago, the Greek philosopher Plutarch said, “If you’re angry, get out of the situation and don’t come back until you’re calm.”

 It doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. Quite the contrary, bringing up a sensitive subject in a calm and rational manner will show your partner that you’re willing to stand up for yourself, and you’re less likely to say something you’ll regret.

 #6: Not acknowledging the good

Many people speak up when it comes to saying something when their partner does something that hurts them, angers them, or is in need of correcting. But these very same people are sparing when it comes to showing their gratitude, appreciation, and even admiration for their partners.

I have discovered that many people carry a notion inside their heads that if their partners are doing what is expected of them, there’s no need to say anything (this idea finds a corollary and perhaps its roots in corporate life). But when something upsets them,  they should absolutely say something.

However, being criticized over and over can harm your partner’s spirit. It can lead to “Not Good Enough Syndrome,” where your partner says, “No matter what I do, I’m not good enough.” 

The phrase A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine goes down applies here. As a rule-of-thumb, for every correction and criticism, I recommend three to four positive, reinforcing, and grateful comments, and it would hopefully be organic and not forced.

As important, if you have asked for a change in your their behavior and they are essentially complying, it is important to tell them that you see and appreciate your partner‘s efforts.

I have had several clients tell me that offering positive reinforcement is like treating their partners like a dog. My reply is simple: “Yes, and you should ask yourself why you are treating your dog better than your partner.”

If your partner is doing this to you, and you feel like you’re not good enough, you can ask your partner for some acknowledgment. And you can use the same tool: Acknowledge when your partner is being more positive, and try to ignore critical comments. 

#7: Assuming your Partner is a Mind Reader

If you or are upset about something, say what is bothering you. In fact, it’s a bit unfair and even perhaps a set-up to assume that your partner knows what is troubling you. Rather, be explicit.

#8: Scanning for Errors

When you disagree about something, it’s natural to point out the areas in which you differ. However, some people take this a step further and are on the lookout when their partners are mistaken. If you do this, it’s important to ask yourself why you are taking on the role of fault-finding. And why just point out the mistakes when you should also be pointing out what you think is true?

 #9: Waiting to Cash In

Imagine: You repeatedly don’t say anything when your partner does something that really bothers you. You wait. They do it again. And again. And again. Finally, you explode with anger. Instead of cashing in all of your chips at once, mention it by the second or third occurrence. You won’t have stored up as much frustration, and they won’t be so set in their ways. 

 #10 Getting into Theoretical Arguments

Theoretical arguments usually take the form of if… then… For example, “What would you say to that guy at work who has a crush on you if he actually hit on you?” These kinds of statements are often tiptoeing around something that is vulnerable to the person making it. It would be better to be more direct – to express your insecurities and fears.

Rewriting Your Scripts

These suggestions can provide useful methods to help you to avoid communication traps that couples get into time and time again. By rewriting problematic communication scripts, you are on the way as you continue to enjoy the good times, reducing the duration, intensity, and frequency of the bad, and overall strengthening your connection as you increase intimacy.

Looking for more help communicating with your partner? Click here to start your search and filter your results by “Marriage, Couples, or Relationship Counseling” under Type of Service and/or “Marriage/Couples Counseling” under Common Specialties.

A mother crouches down to talk to her upset preschool-age daughter.Imagine driving home from work, exhausted. Your mind is running through a to-do list to get through before bedtime. Make dinner. Clean up after dinner. Homework check. Showers. Bedtime routine. And so on.

But once you get home, you find that that to-do list is interrupted by your crying 4-year-old, your picky 10-year-old, and sibling conflict. It feels like it is you against the children. You find yourself yelling at them, threatening them, and feeling out of control.

You are not alone. Many parents struggle just like you do (even if they don’t Instagram those difficult times and all you see if how perfect their lives are).

The good news is, parenting doesn’t have to be this difficult. You don’t have to be frustrated with your kids and feel like you have to fight them to cooperate with you all day, every day. Now, I’m not saying your kids are never going to challenge you and every day will run smoothly, because that’s impossible. What is possible is reducing the amount of conflict you have at home and feeling more in control during conflict.

Here are five tips for reducing parent-child conflict:

1. MAKE EYE CONTACT

Many times kids are not listening when parents speak to them. Their eyes are glued to the TV, or they’re engrossed in a game they’re playing. Many parents respond by getting upset and yelling, making children “tune out the noise.”

What you can do is walk over to your child, get on eye level with them, make eye contact, and speak to them. If you have never done this before, your child might challenge you, but keep your cool and give them clear directives.

2. A-C-T

If you find your child doing something they are not supposed to be doing, you can use the A-C-T technique:

When you use this technique, you can validate your child while letting them know there are healthy limits. The alternative behavior can keep them from feeling as if they are not allowed to have fun.

3. SET CLEAR CONSEQUENCES

If you have tried the A-C-T technique and your child is still not listening, you can follow with a natural and related consequence to their behavior. For example, if your child cannot use the dart gun responsibly, then they lose the privilege of using it.

Setting a consequence like this places the responsibility on the child to make an appropriate behavior choice, rather than feeling like you are punishing them by not letting them watch their favorite show. Losing TV privileges is not a consequence that will likely make sense to your child. They may not see a connection between their favorite show and the dart gun.

4. GIVE CHOICES

When your child is not listening to a directive you give them, you can give them two choices. A choice can let your child feel valued. It can also keep the child from feeling as if they are stuck with a decision made by their parent.

For example, if it’s time for dinner, but your child won’t stop playing a video game to come to the dinner table, you can say, “Johnny, you can choose to play for 2 more minutes and then come to the dinner table, OR you can choose to have me turn off the game in 2 minutes and you will not play the game tomorrow.”

If you have to turn the game off for your child, you need to follow through with not letting them play tomorrow. By giving your child choices, you can give them the feeling of being in control and teach them responsibility.

5. CREATE A ROUTINE

Most children thrive on routine. It typically makes them feel safe and secure because they know what will come next.

If your children go to school, they have a routine at school which helps them go through their day in an organized way. When they get home, they can relax, but they still need routine. You can give them some free time when they get home, but let them know they have a set amount of time to relax and then homework time will follow.

If your children can’t tell time, you can use a timer and give them time to transition from downtime to homework time. Think of what your routine was when you were a kid and whether that worked for you. Talk to other parents about the routines they have for their kids and what is working for them.

Following these tips can help improve your relationship with your child and reduce conflict. It may not be easy at first, but if you keep at it, these behaviors often become easier with time. If you and your child continue to struggle, feel free to contact a family therapist or child counselor for support.

Reference:

Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual. New York, NY: Routledge Taylor & Francis Group.

Mature adult couple sit on rock talking openly and smilingEver had an argument? Most of us have. But have you stopped to think about why we have arguments?

Arguments in relationships are often based on the emotional response of feeling unheard. You’ve said it a thousand times, and still … nothing changes.

You would think you’d finally be listened to when you said something for the 1001st time. But when that doesn’t happen, when you still feel unheard, you are frustrated. You may even be angry.

Of course you’re frustrated. Of course you’re likely to get mad.

But try not to get mad. This often only makes the argument worse. What’s more, you still may not feel listened to.

Why Aren’t They Listening?

For just a moment, let’s consider things from your partner’s perspective to see how your attempt to be heard is being processed. They may be thinking something like this, “Oh, there they go again. Are they ever going to stop harping on about this? I feel like I’m living in purgatory!” [fat_widget_relationships_right]

They’re not listening because they feel like your repeated attempts to discuss something important is actually you nagging at them. They may feel attacked and accused. They most likely feel defensive. They probably shut down faster than you can say “Jack Robinson.”

So no, they aren’t listening. They may never have been listening. They don’t want to hear blame or criticism.

In the beginning, when you first brought up whatever it was, you likely had no intention of casting blame or criticizing. You just wanted to share something, something you wanted done or changed or understood better. But your partner took it as criticism.

That was not your fault.

Children, particularly children in troubled homes, learn survival habits and skills early. They then take those survival skills into their relationships. In a relationship, these skills may be more of a liability than an asset. But how would someone know otherwise if they’ve only ever known a family who said hurtful things it would have been better to not hear?

There could be a number of reasons behind their interpretation. Maybe they had a parent who did nag at them, possibly mercilessly. Maybe they didn’t get love or validation from that parent, either. If that was the case, it probably made perfect sense to develop the habit of tuning out.

Children, particularly children in troubled homes, learn survival habits and skills early. They then take those survival skills into their relationships. In a relationship, these skills may be more of a liability than an asset. But how would someone know otherwise if they’ve only ever known a family who said hurtful things it would have been better to not hear?

So it’s not their fault, either.

Whose fault is it, then?

It isn’t anyone’s fault.

The sooner both partners realize this, and stop thinking in terms of blame and fault, the sooner the conflict can not only be resolved, but changed permanently.

This leads me to my four-step solution to a problem many couples experience: escalating arguments.

A Four-Step Solution

1. Do something different.

A good way to break a harmful cycle is to try something different. You feel like you’ve said the same thing over and over but still aren’t being heard. Instead of reacting with an explosive outburst, take a deep breath and consider that it might be time to try a new approach.

What are some different things you could do to get your loved one’s attention?

There are as many options as there are creative ideas. Let them be surprised at what you come up with.

You might wonder why you need to be “all sunshine and roses” when your partner is the one who isn’t hearing you. You might feel like it isn’t fair.

And maybe it isn’t fair. But answer this: Do you actually want to change the dynamic and finally be heard? Or do you want to keep going in circles, forever?

2. Don’t diminish yourself.

One outcome I hear from people is that somehow they ended up stooping down to the level of the other person. Whether your partner is yelling, speaking in a belittling way, or doing any other unpleasant thing, you have the option of responding in kind or not. You can choose how you react.

A reactor, I often tell the people I work with, is like the knee-jerk reflex. When a doctor taps your knee with the little hammer to check your patellar reflect, your knee kicks out as if it has a mind of its own. That is being reactive. Your knee can’t choose to react in that way.

I encourage you to not be a knee. Decide in advance that you will not lose your temper, that you will not demean yourself by reacting negatively. Instead you’ll keep calm and maintain your dignity and self-respect.

3. Be grateful you had a different experience. 

To do this, there’s no need to put down your partner. Simply note with gratitude that in your growing-up years you didn’t need to learn to block out painful words of shame or rejection from your parents or caregivers. If you did have that similar experience, be grateful you were able to handle it better. You don’t tune out the people in your life. You don’t ignore requests for help or understanding.

Remember your partner reacts the way they do as a result of bad experience, not choice. Their actions are the product of a habit. They likely don’t even see what they’re doing and how destructive it is. Be grateful that no matter what you’ve been through, you can see how destructive this behavior is. Have compassion and empathy for those who are stuck in a rut of tuning out those they love.

When you reach this step, the first step will be much easier!

4. Breathe and meditate.

There is one final solution that is simple but still amazingly powerful. Slow down your autonomic nervous system and turn off the stress hormone cortisol in your brain, simply by deep breathing.

Research has shown that taking 20 minutes to meditate is great, but this length of time is not necessary. Don’t get me wrong. It’s wonderful if you have 20 minutes to do it. The result we’re looking for here, though, can be achieved by taking only one minute, 10 times a day, to breathe slowly and deeply. Breathe2Relax, an app you can download on your phone, can be tremendously useful for this.

To make this exercise even more powerful, hold positive thoughts in your mind while doing the deep breathing. Even if you only do this for one minute, you can retrain your brain to respond in a healthier way to the irritating situation.

Steven Stosny, the preeminent researcher working with aggressive and uncompassionate men, suggests people visualize, 12 times a day, themselves reacting to stress in a way that makes them feel more valuable. While doing this, note the good feelings that come with reacting in a more valuable, positive way (as opposed to a knee-jerk reaction of irritation).

This means doing the deep breathing while at the same time visualizing—for example, speaking to that tuned-out partner with love and understanding—and noting how good that feels. Repeat this 12 times a day. Stosny explains that this works because it creates a habit, one we can feel good about. And the beautiful thing about habits is that with practice, they become part of us.

If you and your partner are struggling to stop a cycle of arguments, or if one or both of you feel unheard, know there is help available. A qualified, compassionate couples counselor can offer support and guidance as you work through relationship challenges.

Reference:

Stosny, S. (2013). Blue-collar therapy: The nitty-gritty of lasting change. Psychotherapy Networker. 22-20, 54.

Child in front of parents arguingContrary to popular belief, witnessing arguments between parents may not always be bad for children. According to new research published in the Journal of Family Psychology, it’s how those arguments are handled that matters.

Children who witness constructive arguments between their parents may benefit from the experience. Compared to children whose parents engage in destructive argument patterns, children exposed to constructive disagreements were more emotionally secure.

Arguing in Front of Children: Conflict Style Matters

The study used data from the Building Strong Families Project, which focused on families with low incomes. These families face many stressors that put them at risk for conflict. Researchers analyzed data collected when children in the study were about 3 years old. Both mothers and fathers answered questions about how they managed conflict, as well as how their children reacted to conflicts between the parents.

The study defined constructive conflict as conflict in which couples stayed focused on a single topic and made progress toward a solution. Constructive conflict also meant avoiding anger and resentment and sticking to the present instead of bringing up past disputes.

Researchers identified the following styles of conflict management: relationships in which both partners managed conflict constructively; relationships in which both partners managed conflict destructively; and relationships in which one partner was more destructive than the other.

[fat_widget_right]They found no correlation between conflict management style and parenting style. This suggests parents could behave lovingly with their children even when they were destructive with their partners. But even when parents were loving, children who witnessed destructive conflicts suffered. Compared to those who witnessed constructive conflict, children who had one destructive parent were more likely to feel emotionally insecure.

Why Some Conflict Can Be Beneficial

Researchers noted that levels of emotional insecurity were lowest among children whose parents both engaged in destructive conflict. This may be because the parents were more likely to separate by the time data was collected. The fact that so few parents fit into this group might also have skewed the data.

Though stereotypes suggest low-income families may have more constructive conflicts due to stress, the study found destructive conflict was relatively uncommon. Both partners were destructive in just 3% of families. More than half of couples both consistently argued constructively.

Therapists interested in supporting families, particularly low-income families, should consider that not all conflict is harmful. Instead, helping families discuss disagreements more constructively may benefit families and children.

References:

  1. Kopystynska, O., Paschall, K. W., Barnett, M. A., & Curran, M. A. (2017). Patterns of interparental conflict, parenting, and children’s emotional insecurity: A person-centered approach. Journal of Family Psychology. doi:10.1037/fam0000343
  2. Parents: How you manage conflict has an impact on your kids. (2017, September 20). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/09/170920131717.htm

Sepia-toned photo shows couple in autumn clothing standing outside and talking intently with open, happy expressionsConflict is an inevitable part of relationships. No two people see everything the same way, have carbon copy preferences, share identical temperaments, care equally about things, express their wants and needs in the same ways, or handle their fears and disappointments alike.

Add to these differences the fact that each individual in the relationship wants to be important and feel special, and it becomes clearer why clashes are likely to occur in even the best relationships.

The following fictional scene can help illustrate how conflict develops and plays out in a relationship:

“I thought you said you were just going to Ralph’s to buy a chicken for dinner,” Jason said. “You’ve been gone for two hours.”

The game blared in the background, and the dishes were still stacked in the sink. The kids were in the other room arguing over something. The colorful grocery bags sat on the kitchen counter where she’d plopped them.

“Oh, please,” Beth said. “I’m 15 minutes late. You could help out instead of being a couch potato.”

Jason rifled through the bags. “I don’t see my ice cream. You knew it would melt…wherever, whoever, you stopped on the way home to see,” he snarked.

Beth braced herself. This was always how the fights began. The kids were hungry and getting louder. She’d asked him not to do this with them around. Her heart pounded in her ears. Her mouth was dry. Dinner would be late, and he’d eat in front of the TV again.

“I had to go to the bank and pick up the dry cleaning.” She turned her back to him and pulled produce out of the bags. “Stop being so insecure!”

“I wouldn’t be if you didn’t give me good reason,” Jason said. 

Kyle ran into the kitchen wiping his tears on a dirty T-shirt. “She took my turn!” he wailed, then threw himself on the floor sobbing.

“I can’t even leave them with you for an hour.” Beth shook her head and sat down on the tile floor next to their son.

Jason rolled his eyes. “This is hopeless,” he said. “You don’t even care.”

Tips to Minimize Relationship Conflict

Though conflict is inevitable, it does not have to be insurmountable. Here are 10 simple tricks to help minimize conflict in your relationship.

  1. Keep your responses short. Long replies can sound confrontational, and they invite long retorts. “I can see you’re upset,” is a better response than a long dissertation intended to calm your partner down and may be a better starting place for you both to develop a different perspective.
  2. Remember boundaries are something you set for yourself. “Setting boundaries” for your partner is manipulative and an indirect attempt at control. It’s okay to say what you can be counted on to do, or not to do, under specific circumstances, but don’t try to control your partner. You might say, for example, “If I’m worried about you, you can count on me to text you and ask if you’re okay.”
  3. Realize any accusation is a little bit true. This is a hard one, but keeping this in mind can be an effective tool. Realizing accusations typically have some truth to them is one of the best ways to avoid becoming defensive and continuing an argument. “Yes, I do leave my clothes on the floor once in a while,” will deescalate a fight faster than “That’s not true! I never leave anything on the floor!”
  4. Ask for what you do want, not for what you don’t. It’s impossible to get the absence of something. It’s much easier for your partner to give you something you do want. “I’d really like to talk about this when we take our walk,” is better and more specific than “I don’t want to talk about this in front of the kids.”
  5. Stay on topic. Sometimes it may be hard to figure out what the topic really is, but do the best you can. If you stick with your primary complaint and don’t stray into unrelated issues, your chances of resolution are much better. Redirecting the conversation back to the original topic can take practice. Remember to do it with kindness, not agitation. “I think you were upset about me not sending back that RSVP card. Let’s figure out a solution for that now, and we can discuss my anxiety about being with your family later.”
  6. Develop a vocabulary for feelings. A story with a lot of facts is not a great way to get your partner to understand how you’re feeling. Sometimes the people who have the most words in an argument have the most impoverished vocabularies for their emotions. “I feel like you’re not listening,” is not a feeling statement. It’s an accusation. “I feel bad” is not a very clear description of your internal state. Print out a list of feelings from the internet and refer to it often. Build a vocabulary of emotions. Sad, lonely, frustrated, annoyed, ambivalent, agitated, relieved, disregarded, embarrassed, scared, worried, etc. are good words to convey emotions.
  7. Switch perspectives. Putting words to what your partner doesn’t think you understand can be a very powerful way to express compassion and lower the chances of conflict. Rather than explaining your side over and over, instead try saying something like, “It seems like you don’t think I understand how overwhelmed you feel. It seems like you don’t think I understand how frustrated you are with me. It seems like you don’t believe I understand how hard you’ve been trying.” (Don’t say, “I understand how hard you’ve been trying, but…” That’s talking about yourself. Saying what you understand, followed by “but” effectively disqualifies any compassion you might have shown.)
  8. Avoid speaking with contempt. This is one of the most damaging forms of communication in a relationship. Dr. John Gottman’s research points out contempt is one of the best predictors of divorce. Don’t resort to character assassination (i.e., “You’re just a loser,” “You’re just like your mother,” “You’re an embarrassment.”)
  9. Writing is as good as talking. Not everyone is able to articulate clearly in a fast-paced discussion. Some people need time to think and gather their thoughts. Texting, e-mailing, messaging, or writing notes are valid ways of continuing a difficult conversation. If you need to pause an argument, let your partner know when you will get back to them. “I can’t continue this right now. I promise I will text you my thoughts after dinner.”
  10. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. If you mess up, forgive yourself. Remember that every day you’re doing the best you can figure out how to do. Keep your internal dialogue kind and positive. We can’t give away anything we don’t already have. You won’t be able to say nice, respectful things to your partner if you’re not first saying them to yourself.

Beth sat in the bathroom. The quiet helped her put words to her thoughts. The locked door gave her a sense of seclusion. She revised the text one more time.

“It seems like you don’t think I understand how frustrated you are when I’m a little late. I sometimes feel scared, too, when we’re not as close as I’d like, and I know the kids can be exhausting. We’ll get through this stressful time. It’s not forever. I’d like it if you’d call or text when you’re worried about me. I promise I’ll respond right away. Please let me know if there’s anything else you don’t think I understand about how you’re feeling. I love you!”

She pressed “send.”

References: 

  1. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2004). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.
  2. Feelings inventory. (2005). Center for Nonviolent Communication. Retrieved from https://www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/feelings_inventory_0.pdf
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