For those in or getting out of a romantic relationship with a self-absorbed individual, the silent treatment can feel like a punishment worse than death.

Why Narcissistic People Use the Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse typically employed by people with narcissistic tendencies. It is designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target for a perceived ego slight. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the person with narcissism wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control.

The target, who may possess high emotional intelligence, empathy, conflict-resolution skills, and the ability to compromise, may work diligently to respond to the deafening silence. He or she may frequently reach out to the narcissistic person via email, phone, or text to resolve greatly inflated misunderstandings, and is typically met with continued disdain, contempt, and silence. Essentially, the narcissistic person’s message is one of extreme disapproval to the degree that the silence renders the target so insignificant that he or she is ignored and becomes more or less nonexistent in the eyes of the narcissistic person.

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Emotional Maturity of a Typical Narcissistic Person

The emotional maturity of a typical narcissistic person is akin to a 5-year-old child who pouts and refuses to play with a friend in the sandbox because the friend wants to share the pail and shovel. The 5-year-old refuses to talk with the friend and angrily storms off to play on the jungle gym with someone else. The bewildered child with the pail and shovel may feel confused, rejected, and may not understand why they can’t share. He or she just wanted to build a sand castle together.

Because no further communication can ensue unless and until the narcissistic person decides to give the target another chance, a false sense of control is nurtured. Often, the narcissistic person will demand that the target apologizes for whatever inflated transgression the target may have committed (the target may have set a limit or asserted a boundary against emotional abuse, for example). Sometimes, a person with narcissistic qualities will decide to abandon and discard the relationship when his or her partner presents an ultimatum or attempts resolution requiring compromise. The person with narcissism may prefer to end the relationship and start over rather than be in a position of potential abandonment. The 5-year-old storms off and plays with a new, innocent target on the swing set. It is too much work to share the pail and shovel.

How to Deal With the Silent Treatment

So how does one deal with the silent treatment from a person with narcissism? For those leaving a toxic relationship with such an individual, many therapists suggest that the survivor understands that the person with narcissism has not developed the ability to express a high level of empathy, reciprocity, and compromise. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse that no one deserves nor should tolerate. If an individual experiences this absence of communication, it is a sure sign that he or she needs to move on and heal.

The healing process can feel like mourning the loss of a relationship that did not really exist and was one-way in favor of the ego-massaging person with narcissism. The minute the partner disagrees with the narcissistic person or asserts his or her healthy boundaries, the narcissistic person deploys an arsenal of abuse tactics. The silent treatment is a favorite weapon.

Do not accept emotional abuse. Know that you are worthy of a healthy relationship with someone who can communicate in a mature, emotionally healthy manner. Play with someone who has the ability to share the shovel and pail. You deserve no less.

Have you noticed a general unease, anxiety, or agitation as you move through your days, with sudden bursts of more extreme rage or anxiety when certain things don’t go your way?  Do you notice a frequent feeling of depression and despair when you think about how your life is going?  Does every day feel like you’re walking through mud or as if nothing feels good enough?

There may be a variety of causes for these feelings, but I want to focus specifically on one cause that plagues many of us: the war we are waging against reality. To put it another way, we may have certain pictures in our minds of how we think life should look and cannot accept when those pictures do not correspond to what life really is shaping out to be. In this article, I want to help you identify if you are indeed waging such a war and (if so) how you can find peace by accepting yourself and your life as is.

Why Do We Wage War with Reality?

One of the most difficult aspects of life for human beings is our lack of control. It is often the cause of a tremendous amount of anxiety, and many of us unconsciously spend a great deal of energy developing strategies to attempt to establish control or convince ourselves that we can control life. When things in life go in certain ways that demonstrate our lack of control, it can be quite unnerving. If you experienced pain as a child, when a lack of control is quite evident, unnerving events now may feel especially threatening. [fat_widget_right]

If this resonates for you, you may be unconsciously fighting against reality. Other signs might include frequent agitation and anxiety or rage when things happen that you don’t want to happen. This can range from spilling something on the floor, to traffic, to not performing the way you want, to feeling frequently agitated by the people in your lives. And if these intense emotional reactions are due to particular events, they may be evoking memories of injuries you may have sustained as a child.

Fighting against reality, whatever is actually occurring in every given moment, can be the source of significant pain, but the thought of not fighting can be even more frightening. By not fighting, you have to accept that you are not in control.

Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance describes the act of embracing, with your entire being, what is happening now. It is accepting that you cannot control others. It means accepting yourself as you are, no matter who that person is. Radical acceptance means removing the additional layer of reactions to the things that are happening that you do not like.

Accepting that you are not in control takes a lot of practice! It helps to remember you don’t have to like what is happening. In fact, radical acceptance does not mean you resign yourself to injustice or harm. What it does mean is accepting what is happening in order to take action appropriately and effectively.

Fighting against reality, whatever is actually occurring in every given moment, can be the source of significant pain, but the thought of not fighting can be even more frightening. By not fighting, you have to accept that you are not in control.

When you accept life, you will find that you can choose how to respond to it rather than feel imprisoned by it, and this, in turn, may help you find a connection to joy.

Here are a few ways to start down the road to radical acceptance:

1. Build your awareness. Start to observe your own reactions to life’s twists and turns as much as possible. Examine which kinds of twists and turns in particular get to you. How do you typically react? Building awareness in and of itself is an act of acceptance because it is separate from judgment and reaction.
2. Practice watching your breath. You don’t need a meditation practice to watch your breath. Whenever you feel a reaction coming on, take several deep breaths into your belly, as many as you can until your reaction subsides. This and awareness are the seeds of radical acceptance.
3. Work with your thoughts. As you build your awareness, you will notice your reactive thoughts take a certain form: “This sucks!” “I hate this!” “Why is this happening to me?” “Why do bad things always happen?” Once you can identify those thoughts, you can work with them by counteracting them. You can challenge those thoughts by refuting them in your own mind: “Actually, bad things don’t always happen to me.” “Yes, I don’t like this, but it’s okay. I can deal with it.”

These are some of the basic but surprisingly difficult ways to develop radical acceptance. If you dedicate to these practices, you may find it easier to shift the way you relate to life and that, by doing so, you find more peace and joy in life.

If you find the practice of radical acceptance to be challenging, a mental health professional can offer support and guidance. I wish you the best in your pursuit.

There are different kinds of lies: pathological lies, lies so you won’t get caught, lies of convenience, lies for self-protection, and social lies. They all have something in common: if someone is focused on telling you only what you want to hear, or only what they want you to hear, you’re not hearing what you might want or even need to know. You might fall for their stories, if they’re convincing enough. People who lie pathologically tend to tell VERY good stories. I’m going to tell you about one such person in particular.

Anita (not her real name) told the most wonderful and romantic stories about her life. I felt so good listening to her. Anita was a talented storyteller, and I am a sucker for stories.

When we first met, she was all smiles and seemed easy to get along with. I liked her right away. “My life would be perfect,” she told me, “if only I had a boyfriend.” She began telling me about a man who worked in her office. He had beautiful, big brown eyes and strong arms. When she looked over at him, he was almost always looking at her. It was clear they were attracted to each other. He asked her out for lunch. He asked her out to the movies. He brought her flowers and little cute presents. She made him brownies and brought them to the office.

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“Do you think he likes me?” she asked.

“I sure do!” I said.

After a few months, they started to get serious. Their romance was touching. He was older, but he was considerate and helpful. He enjoyed her youthful enthusiasm, and she enjoyed the many ways he showed he cared for her. He was courtly and charming. She felt safe with him.

Their relationship seemed fine at first, but then another woman wanted to enter the picture.

“What will I do?” Anita asked me. “What if he likes her more than he likes me? And who does she think she is, anyway?”

Anita quickly vanquished her rival, and she and her boyfriend were soon planning on moving in together. I wondered to myself if they would get married, maybe have kids. I was so happy for her. They were even starting to talk about buying a house.

Listening to Anita was like reading a really good book, one I couldn’t put down, or watching a movie I knew I would have to see again. Her story was about every dream come true. All things were possible. Life was always only good. Life was a fairy tale.

At first, I thought: Well, it’s young love. Eventually life will get back to normal. I even worried: Would Anita be able to take it if they actually had a disagreement, much less an argument? Everything can’t be perfect ALL of the time! Usually there is a little trouble in paradise—after a while, anyway. But Anita and her boyfriend never disagreed. They always wanted to do the same things at the same time.

Gradually, I began to believe her story felt too good to be true. Then I realized that, in fact, it wasn’t true at all. I had, in fact, been listening to a fairy tale. It felt like a switch in my brain clicked on when I realized Anita had the hallmarks of a person who pathologically lies. She made the whole thing up!

Gradually, I began to believe her story felt too good to be true. Then I realized that, in fact, it wasn’t true at all. I had, in fact, been listening to a fairy tale. It felt like a switch in my brain clicked on when I realized Anita had the hallmarks of a person who pathologically lies. She made the whole thing up! Anita needed to keep me fascinated; she had a real desire to control and manipulate how I thought about her.

I was shocked. My thoughts must have shown on my face. Once I figured out she was lying, she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. The thing is, I liked Anita, but she couldn’t believe that anyone could like her if they knew her as she really was. Her lies, I believe, stemmed from serious dissatisfaction with herself, a need to be loved, and a need to mess around with other people’s minds. She always had to be the best, the winner, HUGE!

I felt pretty stupid.

Even though I had been bamboozled, I still wanted to be friends with Anita. I suppose many people would have simply dropped her, but not me. We continued to meet for a time, and Anita tried out different story lines with interesting beginnings, but I wasn’t buying. I wanted to have a real conversation, but it wasn’t happening. Anita felt her real life was boring, and she was ashamed of herself. She thought she was too ordinary. She couldn’t see the beauty of the everyday. I think, at some moments, she believed her own lies. She was inventing her life as she thought it should be, and it had to be exceptional.

Storytellers need listeners, and I’m a good one—but eventually even I can identify a lie when I hear one.

I’ll bet you can, too.

College students whose parents attempt to control them through guilt, shame, or manipulation may cope with their stress by being mean to their peers, according to a study published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence.

How Controlling Parenting Contributes to Problematic Behavior

Jamie Abaied, a University of Vermont assistant professor of psychological science, and her colleagues recruited 180 college students, most of whom were female. College students are often still financially or emotionally dependent upon their parents, the researchers say, so parenting style can continue to influence them even when they reach legal adulthood.

Each student completed a questionnaire about their parents’ behavior. Parents who engaged in behavior such as withdrawing money or criticizing their children were deemed highly controlling. The use of digital technologies such as texting and social media may further controlling behavior because it allows parents and their children to stay in constant contact. Thus parents no longer need to see or live with their children to manipulate their behavior.

[fat_widget_right]Researchers also interviewed the students, inquiring about painful interactions with loved ones such as boyfriends or girlfriends. As the students discussed the event, researchers recorded their sweat levels as a way to measure emotional distress. Students with higher levels of stress were more likely to react in aggressive or impulsive ways, such as sending a mean-spirited text or email.

Students who displayed higher levels of aggression were more likely to have controlling parents. The connection between relational aggression and controlling parenting has already been demonstrated in younger children, but this study is one of the first to look at controlling parenting in adult children.

In 2015, another study found children of less controlling and warmer parents were happier.

Reference:

Shapiro, C. (2016, January 20). Study: What happens when controlling parents follow kids to college. Retrieved from http://www.uvm.edu/~uvmpr/?Page=news&storyID=22157&category=ucommfeature

Most of the people who come to my office are contemplating a life change or trying to feel better about one that happened recently. They feel stressed and unsure about decisions they have to make, such as a parenting issue or what to do after graduation. Or they are unhappy about a decision that has been made for them (divorce, layoff, medical issue).

Many times, there is some room to move within this uncomfortable spot. A person can try to improve a relationship, job marketability, or health. But what are we to do when a life situation involves working with the unchangeable? How does solution-focused therapy help people live and thrive when something about their situation is completely outside their control?

Have you been stuck with a situation that feels unbearable? This might include:

• Unhappiness at work with a coworker or supervisor
• Fertility issues
• The death of someone close to you
• Bankruptcy
• The end of a relationship
• Frustration over a someone’s decisions (your child, spouse, friend, etc.)

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Feeling powerless and at a dead end is how some people I work with describe themselves in these situations. They can take some small steps in some of these cases, but for the most part these people feel like they have no control.

I find it to be NOT useful in these moments to remind people of all they have. Someone who is mourning the end of a relationship is unlikely to appreciate his or her health, and someone whose financial woes have overtaken daily life is usually unable to be glad that at least he or she has a job. A couple struggling to conceive a child may not feel fortunate that “at least” they have this or that. Gratitude is a powerful, necessary element of life which unfortunately does not initially help those who are feeling regret, guilt, and sadness.

Gratitude is a powerful, necessary element of life which unfortunately does not initially help those who are feeling regret, guilt, and sadness.

When we must live with the unchangeable, I find it most useful to find outlets for the feelings that result from our position of powerlessness or suffering. There are plenty of tactics that we can use with cognitive therapy to help someone compartmentalize thoughts about his or her situation so that the person can function throughout the day. But what about those unstructured times, such as in the shower, driving, or late at night when the house is quiet, when the feelings creep in and feel hard to withstand?

Acknowledge your feelings, but give them a place to go. Even if you write the same thing down every night for a month in a cognitive thought chart, it is important to allow your expression to have an outlet. This could also look like a journal, a walk where you allow your thoughts to fill the time, a yoga or exercise practice, or creative expression such as painting, gardening, or baking.

Accept that, for now, these feelings and thoughts about your unchangeable situation are going to be with you for a while, but they do not have to paralyze you or sink you like an anchor. For example, people who struggle with grief come to think of that heavy feeling as one that can accompany them for a few hours but does not have to keep them from going about their days. In time, this becomes easier as you welcome the feelings that come and then go in waves. When they arise, they can go with you throughout your day. You can familiarize yourself with what they feel like and be extra compassionate with yourself. You will see that your feelings are nothing more than emotional states that come and go throughout your life. You can endure them. You were built with resilience to manage them.

Make some meaning out of your daily routine that gives you power over your situation. You may not be able to swap out your boss, move the calendar forward faster, or undo something you regret, but you have control over how you think and feel about these things today. Take charge of what you can. Have a brainstorming session about what could be part of your day that you think will help you feel good. Start with little things—guaranteed things that you know bring you happiness. Start your morning in the most positive way possible, employing these ideas as much as you can. Hang your expression of art or wear a token of strength or memory to remind yourself that you are honoring the unchangeable but not controlled by it.

How a Therapist Can Help

Seek therapy to put this situation to rest. It might sound elusive, but many people find that achieving peace with their situation is a process that is helped by the presence of a skilled professional. A therapist can help you understand why you might be stuck on a certain part of your story, or help you gain clarity to the meaning of holding on to the feelings you have.

At the very least, it is a great relief to have another person on your team during a time you feel powerless. We all need someone who believes in our ability to endure the unchangeable, and who can abide with our journey.

Why is it so difficult for some people to allow themselves to be helped? If there was a spectrum on which one end was total independence and the other was complete dependence, where would you say you fall? Ideally, it would be somewhere in the middle or fluidly moving back and forth along the spectrum as circumstances required. But many people get stuck at the independence end of the spectrum and only rarely dare to ask for assistance.

We are all influenced by societal beliefs about independence and dependence. However, those who are rigidly independent may need to look more closely at their personal experiences as dependent children in order to uncover their deep resistance to accepting help from others.

Independence is a healthy and important aspect of human development. It’s also supported by many popular beliefs:

• Independence is freedom. You’re free to think for yourself, make your own choices, and do what you want without anyone stopping you.
• Independence is powerful. You have the power to take care of yourself without having to rely on anyone else.
• Independence is safety. It’s safer to rely on yourself than on people who could prove unreliable or untrustworthy.
• Independence is respected. Independence is venerated in movies and books. The iconic hero is the lone wolf: strong, silent, and alone.

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All of these beliefs contain truth, but not the whole truth.

Freedom at What Cost?

Rigidly independent people may be free to do what they want, but they have to do it alone. Healthy relationships require both partners to sometimes give up control and put the other partner’s needs first. By relying only on themselves, rigidly independent people actually limit their lives. They cannot accomplish large tasks that require the assistance of others. They limit their life experiences by missing out on camping trips, concerts, hobbies, and other shared life events. Rigidly independent people also limit their own emotional and intellectual growth by resisting the knowledge and input of others.

Are You Really Safer?

While taking care of yourself does increase your safety, your safety increases even more when you have a network of friends, family, and public services that you can rely on in times of need. The rigidly independent sometimes endanger themselves by being unwilling to accept assistance. Think of the elderly person who refuses to accept a caregiver and then accidentally burns the house down; the teen who drives drunk because he or she is unwilling to call a parent for help; or the woman who is too proud of her independence to ask a friend to walk her to her car late at night.

Who Feels Respected?

People respect independence, but not when it’s unyielding. People respect those who respect them back. Rigid independence devalues the contributions of others; it implies that they have nothing to offer you; and it disrespects their skills, wisdom, and generosity.

However, even those who are aware of the benefits of letting go of their rigid independence may find themselves unable to do so. For these people, this may be the time to examine their own negative views and possible past experiences with dependency. A person who experienced shame, danger, or betrayal as a child may not have the ability as an adult to find safe, trustworthy people to rely on.

We were all completely dependent on others when we were small children—and may need to be again as we age or become disabled. But even if we don’t require physical assistance, the fact is people still need each other. There’s no shame in it. Find safe people and let go of rigid independence … because we all need a little help sometimes.

“No one can whistle a symphony. It takes a whole orchestra to play it.” —H.E. Luccock

It is the nature of abuse within families to be as behaviorally nuanced and emotionally complex as the individuals involved. Relationship abuses nearly inevitably reveal a life-draining and self-perpetuating dynamic of power and control. It is within this dynamic that abuse is perpetuated.

Abuse may manifest as physical (throwing, shoving, grabbing, blocking pathways, slapping, hitting, scratches, bruises, burns, cuts, wounds, broken bones, fractures, damage to organs, permanent injury, even murder), sexual (suggestive flirtatiousness, propositioning, undesired or inappropriate holding, kissing, fondling of sexual parts, masturbation, oral sex, or any kind of forceful sexual activity), or emotional (neglect, harassment, shaming, threatening, malicious tricks, blackmail, unfair punishments, cruel or degrading tasks, confinement, abandonment).

Abuse may also involve what I call strategic accusation in an attempt to maintain perceived leverage in the context of families and social circles—for instance, communicating to family and friends that the victim has engaged in affairs that have not occurred, or even using the mere threat of spreading such a rumor. There may also be implicit threats, such as, for instance, the open display of weapons. Perpetrators may drive recklessly in order to generate fear and emphasize a position of control.

Financial or what you might call economic abuses may also exist. For instance, many perpetrators maintain individual, or even secret, bank accounts as a way to withhold money. They may also ensure that bills and credit cards be placed under the name of the victim as a measure of self-protection.

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In all of these, the dynamic of abuse commonly takes shape in varying modes of manipulation, intimidation, aggression, and terrorism.

And though we often think of abuse as being inflicted by a perpetrator on a victim, or else between two perpetrators, we must be careful to recognize another disposition, an often secretly performed dynamic of abuse, that is inflicted by an emotionally troubled person onto himself or herself.

Recognizing that those trapped in such dynamics embody varying forms of what psychology has long referred to as sadism and masochism, psychologist David Shapiro (1981) instructed:

Each disposition involves, in its own way, a defensive, usually angry assertion of will; each is driven by a sense of inferiority, shame, or humiliation; each is deeply and self-consciously concerned with relative position, rank, and measure, with superiority and inferiority—but the sadistic person from the superior position, and the masochistic person from the inferior one.

The sadistic impulse occurs when a person dominates others as a way of attempting to gain in a surrogate what they lack within themselves and in life: control. The masochistic impulse occurs when a person grasps for such control through harmful forms of self-soothing.

Eating disorders, cutting, and substance abuse are indicative of a masochistic coping style and often of entrenched emotional dominance or avoidance within a family system.

Child abuse occurs far more commonly than most people realize. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention began a study in the 1990s that has tracked child abuse and reported that there are more than three million reports made each year involving more than six million children, and that between four and seven children die each day due to abuse or neglect in the United States.

And then there is violence between lovers. Michael Johnson (2006) identified four major types of intimate partner violence—situational couple violence, intimate terrorism, violent resistance, and mutual violent control—and defined them “in terms of the control motives of the violent member[s] of the couple, motives that are identified operationally by patterns of controlling behavior that indicate an attempt to exercise general control over one’s partner.”

Intimate terrorism, which most frequently involves men abusing women, is the most extreme form of domestic violence. Another form of chronic domestic violence is a pattern in which both husband and wife are controlling and physically violent, two intimate terrorists battling for control, what Johnson labeled “mutual violent control.” These types of chronic abuse are products of two quite different evolutionary histories and psychological profiles: “one type broadly sociopathic and violent, the other deeply emotionally dependent on their relationship with their partner” (Skolnick and Skolnick, 2003).

Lipman-Blumen (1984) defined power in relationships as “the process by which individuals gain the ability to impose their will on others.” Abuse is often preceded by a more subtle power dynamic. Newman (1999) noted that early stages of abuse may be primarily emotional and difficult to detect:

For instance, when a husband anticipates his wife’s angry response to his desire for her to do more around the house, he may decide not to voice his concerns in order to avoid conflict. Thus, she has successfully exerted power over him [by preventing him from speaking his mind] without any direct confrontation. Such invisible power is important since it can maintain inequality even in those marriages that appear harmonious and conflict free.

Victims of relationship abuses often enter into therapy in the midst of a dualistic emotional experience—an affectionate emotional bond interlaced with anger, resentment, and fear.

Those who find themselves in therapy are obviously often experiencing painful and isolating feelings and possibly ambiguity of emotions, such as love and anger, which may be felt simultaneously. Unless a therapist is highly empathic, victims may be unwilling to expose themselves. The first tasks in therapy should always be to empathize with the person amid the emotions brought into the therapy room and to ensure an immediate plan for safety should a disclosure of abuse be made.

References:

1. Centers for Disease Control. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/index.html.
2. Johnson, M.P. (2006). Conflict and control: Gender symmetry and asymmetry in domestic violence. In Violence Against Women (12) 11, 1003-1018. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.
3. Lipman-Blumen, J. (1984). Gender roles and power. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
4. Newman, D.M. (1999). Sociology of families. Pine Forge Press: Thousand Oaks, CA.
5. Shapiro, D. (1981). Autonomy and rigid character. United States: Basic Books.
6. Skolnick, A. S., and Skolnick, J. H. (2003). Family in transition (12th ed.). Boston: A&B.

Living with a roommate or two has become more and more popular these days, and not just among the college-age population. For many adults, the rising cost of living, coupled with the nation’s floundering economy, has fostered a more open-minded outlook on cohabitation. Single people, married couples, and even extended families are getting in on the act. Sometimes it’s for financial reasons, sometimes it’s for companionship, and sometimes it’s because someone’s health necessitates a roommate. While many people benefit from having a roommate, living with a roommate is not always easy.

What would you do if you discovered that your new roommate has control-freak tendencies? Would you head for the hills? Often, financial realities make that option impossible. Thankfully, though, if you ever find yourself looking across the room at a controlling roommate, there are a few things you can do to ensure that your coexistence is not just merely tolerable, but meaningful for both of you.

What is a ‘Control Freak’?

“Control freak” is not a formal mental health diagnosis, but rather a popular term used to label someone with controlling behaviors.

In his book The Control Freak, Dr. Les Parrott III, professor of clinical psychology at Seattle Pacific University, states that “control freaks are people who care more than you do about something and won’t stop at being pushy to get their way.” They seem to have an opinion on everything and try to dictate what you are supposed to do, what you are supposed to think, and how you should feel.

Many mental health professionals agree that characteristics associated with a controlling person often include:

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• Jealousy
• Fear or paranoia
• Narcissism
• Micromanagement
• Bullying or taunting
• Gaslighting
• Obsessive thoughts or compulsive actions
• Over-protective or helicopter parenting
• Isolating a person from his or her loved ones and friends
• Physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse

It is important to note that individuals who display controlling behavior are not necessarily trying to harm others intentionally. In fact, a controlling roommate might genuinely care about you and could actually have your best interests at heart.

Understanding the Psychology behind Controlling Behavior

There are a number of factors that might influence an individual to become control oriented. Traumatic incidents in the past, a history of abuse (physical, sexual, and/or emotional), low self-esteem, lack of trust, a fear of abandonment, perfectionism, and a fear of failure can all contribute to the development of control issues. Experts believe that certain displays of controlling behavior could even be an indication of an underlying mental health issue.

Angela Avery, MA, LLPC, NCC, explains that controlling behavior “definitely has to do with control being used to assuage anxiety. Often people who are controlling need to control the external because they can’t control the internal (of themselves or others).” Thus, by controlling what they can, these individuals attempt to minimize their exposure to future harm or neglect.

As unbelievable as it might sound, the need for your roommate to control your actions often illustrates his or her own lack of control. If you think about it, a controlling roommate likely has a lot more on his or her plate than you might initially expect.

The Psychological Effects of Cohabitation

Major lifestyle changes, such as cohabitation after years of living on one’s own, can have profound emotional and psychological effects even for people who do not usually display controlling behavior. A college-aged teen, for example, might revel in his or her newfound independence and, to the dismay of a roommate, readily act on impulses which had been suppressed. Immediately after leaving an abusive marriage, a single parent might be experiencing severe trust issues, along with high levels of anxiety and fear. With recent events taken into consideration, any controlling behavior displayed by these individuals may be an ordered, logical response to past events or a rapidly changing present. Clearly in the case of a roommate exhibiting controlling behavior, circumstances do matter.

Social expectations also play a key role in how roommates view each other and themselves. For example, traditional settings such as sharing a dorm during one’s college years are often seen as acceptable by the general public and might even be viewed as a rite of passage—a fundamental experience that adds to the richness of college life. However, nontraditional settings such as several families living together or married couples sharing an apartment with a third roommate might be met with a certain level of societal disapproval—as if all the individuals involved have somehow failed to meet the mark. Such negative social perceptions can contribute to tension within a household.

Helpful Strategies for Living with a Controlling Roommate

According to Avery, dealing with a controlling roommate “is all about boundaries and standing up to the controlling person in a non-confrontational way.” Never try to bully a bully. Rather than giving in to demands, however, Barbara Baker, psychotherapist and author of How to Live with a Control Freak, suggests setting boundaries based on reasonable expectations. Then, of course, you need to stick to them.

In order to successfully live with a roommate who experiences obsessive compulsion, it is important that you do not collude with his or her obsessions. Doing things you would not normally do (such as be excessively neat and/or clean) just to appease the unrealistic obsessions of someone else can lead to frustration. Instead of dwelling on any compulsive behaviors that annoy you, focus on the personality traits you really enjoy in your roommate.

In How to Live with a Control Freak, Baker also emphasizes the importance of communicating one’s ideas, thoughts, and feelings. Help your roommate get to know you, your needs, and expectations. Share stories about yourself and your experiences with him or her when the opportunity presents itself. This approach will help control-oriented people develop respect for you and your views.

If, despite your best endeavors, you are still struggling to live peacefully with your controlling roommate and leaving is not a financial possibility, consider seeking the help of a mental health professional in your community. Not only will a trained counselor or therapist help you cope with frustrations, he or she can provide more helpful suggestions to communicate and establish boundaries with a roommate exhibiting controlling behavior. Learning effective communication strategies from a professional can help you keep your roommate relationship beneficial, your aggravation in check, and might even help you make a good friend.

References:

1. Baker, B. (2010). How to live with a control freak. London: Sheldon Press
2. Parrot, Les (2001). The control freak. Carol Stream: Tyndale House Publishers.

Thank you for your letter. This kind of issue comes up frequently with couples, particularly early on in one’s marriage or partnership. It often involves a topic that has potent but conflicting meanings for the people involved. A classic, somewhat stereotypical example is the guy who is a fanatic for his home team and MUST watch the game. His spouse (or partner, I use the words interchangeably here) may roll her (or his) eyes or argue or whatnot; clearly, each person sees the activity or event differently. It may be the same for a woman who just HAS to see Bruno Mars or Dave Matthews or Prince for the first or umpteenth time, or buy those Jimmy Choos at 25% off.

In this case, the symbolic “event” or activity revolves around something even more potentially charged with meaning: alcohol and drinking. Alcohol is symbolically loaded (no pun intended) for many who have complicated histories with drinking and corollary activity. I’d be interested—were I your couples counselor (and this is all conjecture, mind you)—to know the roots of your wife’s concerns. Did she have a former partner who drank too much and/or cheated on her? You say, “I don’t think she trusts me,” which to me hints that there hasn’t been a direct conversation about this. It’s striking how often couples don’t communicate directly with each other, usually because we’ve never learned how to in our own families. It helps to speak one’s concerns directly to your partner—how you feel about it—for the purpose of understanding first, before “winning” the argument. Because it has to be win-win (or else it’s lose-lose).

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Listening is, in a way, even more important than direct expression of emotion; try to “mirror” the other person’s point of view emotionally, without interjecting commentary or editorializing, which means you might say, “I hear you saying it bothers you when I do this because (fill in the blank).” “It sounds like you’re feeling worried or frustrated about (blank).” Focus on the feelings, and don’t worry just yet about finding a compromise or solution (or “proving” your point). I find that couples often find such answers organically once their heart-centered listening is in place. It sounds like she really values her connection with you (a wonderful thing) and gets anxious about whatever this activity symbolizes for her. Perhaps her best friend’s husband hit on a girl at a bar and they broke up. Perhaps her dad was a womanizer, or ignored her mom by hanging with his buddies at the pub … and so on. (Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson is a good book on this, by the way.)

I would also encourage her to listen to you and what these evenings mean for you. Rather than get into a tug-of-war power struggle—yes I will go, no you won’t, you’re not the boss, etc.—I would first suggest you reflect on why this is important, then communicate this to your wife. It sounds like this has become a necessity for you, and that raises my curiosity. What is it about this activity that feels essential (versus, say, a round of golf or a movie)? Both you and your wife would need to understand that before it’s “taken” from you. Maybe you had a controlling ex-partner, or maybe you saw your father controlled by your mom, which created marital strife, or maybe you believe your wife is overreacting or patronizing. Most people don’t like to be told what to do—or rather, “feel” like they’re being told what to do. (Often, requests, needs, or feelings are either stated or misinterpreted as demands.) The first step would be to state these feelings to her while keeping the focus on you and your feelings, rather than, “You’re being a controlling pain when you (blank).” Then she might try reflecting this back to you, so you each “try on for size” the other’s perspective without trying to negate, shoot it down, etc.

I had a tiny niggling intuition while writing this column that maybe your wife feels like ONLY a few rounds with the lads does the trick—while she’s kept at a distance. Perhaps her anxiety about being distant leads to you somehow feeling over-controlled (the classic pursue/avoid game). Perhaps she feels excluded (while you feel controlled and perhaps criticized). My hope is that after you share your feelings, you find an activity together. Maybe your wife could join you for a round one of those nights; maybe you could have people over to your house to watch the game. The guys can watch the game while the gals either join in or do something else. Or have a weekly barbecue. Something inclusive. There’s a very either/or tone to what you’re describing and a separateness that may be at the heart of what’s bothering your wife, who obviously wants to share your experience with you—togetherness and sharing are essentials for healthy long-term relationships. You’re both right, and both points of view need to be honored to prevent corrosion to the relationship. Hope that helps! Thanks for writing!

Kind regards,
Darren

Thank you for your question. Boy, have you been on a roller coaster! In fact, this was my first response: Gee, does he really want to get back on? But then I reflected on it, and I began to see the question in a more positive light, thinking: Perhaps he really cares about her, loves her, and is willing to wait. Maybe he sees something worth waiting for. And what is nobler than that?

At the same time, it’s possible you are feeling some survivor guilt after all this intensity (i.e., a “horror film.”) Your girlfriend, while lovely in many ways, I’m sure, clearly has some posttraumatic stress-type abandonment terrors and, probably, some trauma or historical abuse to work through. This can take a while. It is hard to predict the course of therapy; my sense is that the more you give her space to really work on healing herself, the better. It is easy to find distraction when the hard road of recovery lies before you, especially in the early stages. Keep holding your ground, because many people in early treatment look for distractions or exits. In fact, I think the less talk of “we’ll give it another try,” the better. “Let’s see how it goes first” might be the more prudent approach.

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Even if you do decide to give love another try, she needs time to establish some emotional balance in her life, to withstand life’s inevitable volatility—which has proven so dangerously destabilizing to her. (She must have really been treated horribly at some point in her life; how lucky she has someone who cares for her so much now!) Treatment is very hard to predict. Based simply on what you describe, it sounds like she has some knotty psychological issues to untangle. Also, there are always relapses in the best of treatments, and the inevitable ups and downs. Be prepared for a long haul with—I hope—subtle but lasting changes along the way.

But let’s talk about you for a moment. You are in an existential dilemma in the sense that no one except you really knows what it is like in your own skin, to say nothing of what lies within your heart. Because of the complexity of what you are facing, and if I may be so bold, might I suggest some therapy for yourself? Your questions are actually about your girlfriend, but what lies within you? What do you need to be happy from this or any partner—what can and can’t you live with to feel safe? I suggest a cooling-off period where you spend time with friends or doing things you enjoy, getting on with life, seeing how it feels to live without the “horror film” and threats. Sad to say, but I wonder if your girlfriend is really available for a relationship, given the inevitable challenges of intimacy. (What does her therapist say about this?) Love is often given as “the answer” to life’s woes, but love, like life, is always subject to unpredictability.

You say you need “expert advice,” a wise observation given that you have been through trauma; though your tone is admirably stalwart, I can’t help but think it disturbing to have witnessed your beloved behaving so destructively, perhaps like someone you hardly even recognized. (Trauma states are often jarringly alien to friends and loved ones, even the person him/herself.)

No one can say, when all is said and done, whether your questions are reflective of love and devotion or so-called “codependence.” But counseling, even short-term, would probably help gain some perspective as the dust clears. You’re very smart, by the way, to hesitate before leaping back in. The fact you are hesitating to seek “expert advice” might indicate a need to explore the pain of your own recent experience as much as the possible return of the relationship. And yes, I do mean your pain, which counts just as much as hers—or should, if we’re talking about a romance between equals. Without something resembling equality-based thinking, where both partners’ needs “count”—a relationship between two committed, equally available and accountable partners—intimacy cannot thrive.

Best wishes,
Darren