Have you ever noticed how the biggest changes in life often bring out both the best and most challenging parts of our relationships?

Whether it’s moving to a new city, starting a new job, welcoming a child, or adjusting to an empty nest, life transitions can feel overwhelming. But they also offer powerful opportunities for growth, especially when couples approach them with empathy, curiosity, and open communication.

Why Life Transitions Test Relationships

Change, even when welcome, stirs up uncertainty. A long-awaited promotion, a beautiful new home, or even retirement can disrupt familiar routines, shift roles, and bring unspoken expectations to the surface. These disruptions can trigger old fears or emotional wounds from earlier in life. Unfortunately, it’s easy to unintentionally take that stress out on the person closest to you.

In these vulnerable moments, many couples find themselves more reactive, more disconnected, or even questioning their compatibility. But the issue isn’t necessarily the change itself—it’s how the couple experiences and navigates that change together.

How to Stay Connected During Major Life Changes

1. Pause and Check In Regularly

Set aside intentional time to talk about what’s changing and how you each feel about it. Even a 10-minute check-in over coffee can deepen your awareness and connection. This simple practice helps prevent small issues from becoming major relationship problems.

2. Share Your Inner Emotional World

Don’t just talk about the logistics—talk about your emotional landscape. Ask open-ended questions like:

• “What’s been hardest about this transition for you?”
• “What are you most hopeful or excited about?”
• “How can I better support you during this change?”

Communication issues can strain relationships, especially during times of change. Learning to share your emotional world effectively is crucial for maintaining connection.

3. Practice Empathy, Not Problem-Solving

You don’t need to have the perfect solution for every challenge your partner faces. Just being present and saying “I hear you” or “That makes sense” can be profoundly comforting. Sometimes validation is more valuable than advice.

4. Maintain Rituals of Connection

Transitions often upend routines that keep couples connected. Try to preserve at least one or two daily or weekly rituals—like a morning walk, an evening check-in, or Sunday breakfast. These small anchors help maintain emotional continuity when everything else feels uncertain.

5. Ask for Professional Support When Needed

Sometimes, no matter how much love you share, a transition brings up more than you can hold on your own. A few sessions with a skilled couples therapist during a major life change can make a world of difference. Research published in academic journals shows that couples therapy has large effects on relationship satisfaction and helps couples develop better communication patterns.

Struggling with major life changes? Learn expert strategies with our guide on navigating life transitions successfully and discover why your brain resists change.

The Role of Couples Therapy During Life Transitions

If you’re sensing that a big change is testing your connection, consider seeking couples therapy—not as a last resort, but as a proactive step toward staying aligned.

A good couples therapist offers a safe space for you and your partner to:

• Slow down and process emotions calmly
• Express feelings without judgment
• Understand recurring communication patterns
• Learn new ways of connecting and communicating
• Reconnect as teammates rather than adversaries

Ready to strengthen your relationship during this transition? Get started with our guide on how couples therapy can help you talk it out and improve your communication patterns.

Importantly, couples therapy is a specialized skill—not all therapists are trained in it. Look for a professional with advanced certification in a couples-specific modality, such as:

• Imago Relationship Therapy
• Encounter-Centered Couples Transformation
• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
• The Gottman Method
• Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT)
• Relational Life Therapy (RLT)

These evidence-based models all share one thing in common: they use a relational paradigm, focusing not just on individual experiences but on the interactional dance between two people. That makes couples therapy distinctly different from individual therapy, where the client is one person and the work centers on that person’s internal world.

What to Look for in a Couples Therapist

Beyond credentials, experience matters. Look for a therapist who has worked extensively with couples, especially those navigating transitions like parenthood, retirement, caregiving, or relocation. Finding the right therapist is crucial for successful outcomes.

And don’t underestimate the importance of therapeutic fit. You both should feel respected and hopeful in the presence of your therapist. It’s normal for one partner to feel more hesitant about therapy, but no one should feel like they’re being dragged into treatment unwillingly.

Consider these questions when evaluating potential therapists:

• Do they have specific training in couples therapy modalities?
• Have they worked with couples facing similar transitions?
• Do both partners feel comfortable and understood?
• Does the therapist maintain neutrality rather than taking sides?

Need help improving your relationship communication? Discover the 5 communication skills every couple should develop to strengthen your connection during challenging times.

Building Resilience Together Through Change

Relationship resilience isn’t about avoiding difficult transitions—it’s about developing the skills to navigate them successfully. Strong marriages require intentional effort, especially during times of change.

Couples who thrive through transitions often share these characteristics:

• They view challenges as opportunities for growth
• They maintain open, honest communication
• They support each other’s individual growth within the relationship
• They seek help when needed without shame
• They maintain perspective about temporary vs. permanent changes

It’s important to understand that when one person changes in a relationship, it naturally affects the dynamic. This is normal and can actually strengthen your bond when approached with empathy and understanding.

Final Thoughts: Embracing Change as a Couple

Life transitions are unavoidable—they’re part of the natural evolution of life and love. What matters most isn’t avoiding them, but learning how to walk through them side by side.

With the right support and intention, even the most disorienting changes can become doorways into deeper connection. When couples face change with empathy, curiosity, and a commitment to grow together, they don’t just survive—they transform and build even stronger relationships.

Remember: seeking support during transitions isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of wisdom. Whether through improved communication strategies, professional guidance, or simply making time for regular check-ins, investing in your relationship during times of change is one of the best decisions you can make.

Ready to transform your relationship during life’s biggest changes? Start with understanding change and life transitions and discover how therapy can help you adapt and build resilience together.

From navigating parenthood to coping with work stress, there are a seemingly endless number of challenges couples will have to grapple with over the course of their relationship, and sometimes we need a little extra help to get through the more trying times.   

In fact, one survey found that about 70% of respondents wished they had better information on how to deal with conflicts in their relationships.  

However, being open to couple’s counseling demonstrates a relationship where both partners are committed to improving themselves and each other’s lives. 

Therapy may be daunting for those who have never been, but it certainly does not have to be. Learn how to find the right therapist for you and your partner and make the most out of your sessions.   

 Preparing for Therapy 

Decide between in-person versus online therapy 

Before committing to a couples therapist, it’s important to determine whether you and your partner prefer in-person or online sessions. While most private insurers now cover both methods equally, it’s important to double-check with your plan to confirm. Once you consider the financial implications, you’ll also want to determine what works best for you and your partner.  

Some find in-person therapy to be more personal, as nonverbal cues – such as body language and mood –  can be harder to decipher over a video call, and building trust with a therapist may be easier face-to-face.  

On the flip side, many people prefer online therapy due to its convenience. Finding roughly an hour each week that works for three individuals’ schedules is not easy and being able to do so from the comfort of your home could increase the likelihood of long-term commitment. You may also find a therapist who is particularly experienced in working with clients with similar backgrounds or concerns as you, and it could be worth it to proceed online if they are not in close proximity. 

Despite initial concerns, particularly before the pandemic, teletherapy can be just as effective. One study found that 74% of couples switching from traditional in-person therapy to online therapy experienced a positive shift.  

Set realistic expectations  

Let’s outline what you can expect and not expect out of couples therapy.  

According to Lori Gottlieb, a prominent psychotherapist who is well-versed in both individual and relationship counseling: 

“The hardest part of couples therapy is accepting that you will need to improve your response to a problem (how you think about it, feel about it, or what to do about it). Very few people want to focus on improving their response. It’s more common to build a strong case for why the other should do the improving,” she said.  

Regardless of why you’re seeking couples counseling, understand that, if done well, such therapy will require a change in behaviors and thought patterns for both parties.  

Here are some tough questions that will likely surface during sessions: 

• What can you do to make it easier for your partner to change behaviors you find frustrating? 
• Do you expect your partner to treat you better than you treat him/her? 
• Do you expect your partner to treat you better than you treat yourself? 

Common Stigmas and Misconceptions Behind Couples Therapy 

Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for one person in a relationship to be more willing to go to counseling than the other. This may be due to stigma around couples therapy, which is often rooted in the idea that seeking therapy means a relationship is doomed and/or there is an unwillingness to acknowledge arising fractures in a relationship.    

While about 60% of respondents in one survey stated they believe the stigma for such therapy has decreased, about a third still stated that it was a barrier for them in seeking counseling.  

But according to renowned couples therapist Dr. Margaret Rutherford, seeking a professional third party to help navigate your relationship challenges in a supportive and objective way is something even the healthiest of couples benefit from, and seeking professional counseling before deeply toxic patterns set in is the best way increases couples’ chances of long-term happiness. 

“As a couples therapist, hearing ‘We came in before there was a real problem’ is music to my ears,” Rutherford said. 

Other misconceptions include the concern that at least one partner will be scolded or reprimanded, or that the therapist will be one-sided. Counselors may be firm in holding you or your partner accountable in your statements or behaviors, but they should always communicate directly yet respectfully as well.  

 Questions to discuss prior to couples therapy 

Your sessions will be most effective if you begin counseling with an understanding of what you and your partner’s primary challenges and goals for therapy are. This can be as specific or broad as necessary, but outlining your obstacles and what you hope to accomplish out of counseling will provide a good starting point for your therapist, and it’s also an opportunity for you and your partner to ensure you are both aligned.   

Just like participation in a professional setting or on a sports team, if the group is not working toward the same goal, progress will be slim at best, and relying on one player or colleague to carry most of the weight would be unfair. Similarly, with couples, make sure you have a conversation about the top recurring issues you hope to remediate in the most respectful and blameless way possible. Remember, therapy objectives should not result in placing an overwhelming burden on one party.  

Let’s take a few examples: 

• If infidelity has been an issue in your relationship, instead of stating that your goal is to make sure your partner doesn’t cheat – or conversely, that they don’t do things that make you want to cheat – a blameless objective would be to trust one another again and experience organically derived intimacy.

• Financial stress is one of the top relationship stressors. If this is the case, an ideal goal could be, for instance, that you both adhere to a budget and lifestyle that leaves each partner satisfied and fulfilled.  

Key Takeaways for Couples 

Be patient: Remember that our deeply entrenched thoughts and behaviors do not change overnight, and it takes time to alter such patterns in ways that translate to definitively positive outcomes.  

Stay focused: Being as specific as possible in the challenges your relationship faces (all while staying blameless!) will also help you find the perfect fit of a therapist.  

Consider different therapeutic approaches: Research the types of therapy that you and your partner would benefit from. One approach that is particularly useful for couples is emotion-based therapy, which can help partners better understand their emotional responses and those of their significant other.  

Find therapists with particular areas of expertise:  You may also want to search for a therapist with experience and credentials working with the specific issues your relationship is struggling with, whether that is substance abuse, infidelity or a particular mental health condition.  

 Once you’ve identified some of these traits and attributes, use online search tools such as GoodTherapy to find the perfect fit.  

 

 

There is no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to couples counseling, as each relationship comprises different challenges and experiences. But some therapeutic strategies have proven to be particularly effective when untangling stressful, tense partner dynamics.  

Emotion-focused therapy, in particular, is one of the most commonly used tactics that relationship counselors use to help couples establish more secure attachments with their partners. One analysis from the New York Center for Emotion-Focused Therapy showed that 90% of couples showed significant improvement after EFT sessions compared to the control group who did not receive such therapy.  

Let’s examine how it differs from other strategies and whether it can benefit your relationship as well. 

What is Emotion-Focused Therapy 

Popularized throughout the 1980s, the therapeutic practice helps clients better identify, explore, accept, and even alter their own emotions. The essence of EFT is rooted in our awareness and relationship to our own emotions, both positive and negative, subsequently boosting emotional intelligence and improving our reactions to events and external behaviors.  

According to an American Psychological Report: 

“Emotions are seen as crucial in motivating behavior. People generally do what they feel like doing rather than what reason or logic dictates. It follows that to achieve behavioral change, people need to change the emotions motivating their behavior.” 

EFT is used in a variety of therapeutic settings, such as individual counseling, and family or group therapy as well.  

How is emotion-focused therapy used in couples therapy 

Benefits of EFT in relationship settings 

Every successful relationship relies on healthy emotional dynamics, wherein each partner is not only aware of their own emotions but has the tools to regulate them and is also comfortable being vulnerable with the other person. 

In the words of Dr. Sue Johnson, one of the founders of emotion-focused therapy:

“To foster connection we need not just to spend time together as companions, but to also risk sharing softer, deeper emotions. We must learn to hold each other’s feelings in a way that calms our nervous systems and gives us a deeply-felt sense of safe connection.” 

That makes EFT a particularly useful approach in couples therapy. Let’s take an example of an exchange where such an approach could be valuable: 

Person A: Would you like to go out somewhere this Friday?
Person B: I don’t know, you probably don’t want to go anywhere anyway. 
Person A: [Shrugs, rolls eyes, walks away] 

In EFT, Person B’s dismissive response to the question would warrant further exploration if re-enacted or described in an EFT session. Upon further examination, it may reveal that they are feeling frustrated that Person A doesn’t take the initiative to make plans to do enjoyable activities together, something that Person B may find important as part of a fulfilling relationship. Conversely, Person B’s emotional response – as evidenced by rolling their eyes and ignoring their partner – may derive from feeling like, no matter how much effort they make, it’s never enough.  

Though brief, these emotional reactions can teach therapists and their clients a lot about not only the root of recurring arguments but what can be done to address them. 

Stages of EFT Couples Counseling  

EFT is typically administered over a finite number of sessions – often ranging from eight to twenty – with a few key phases demarcating the level of progress achieved: 

Stage 1: De-escalation 

Oftentimes, when a couple first begins counseling, there is a common communication cycle, where one person may lob a criticism – intentional or not – at their partner, who subsequently responds defensively (intentional or not). These exchanges often escalate to the point where it’s hard to resolve the original discussion that surfaced, to begin with.  

In the de-escalation phase, each couple should become aware of how they each play a role in perpetuating emotional distress in such exchanges. 

Stage 2: Restructuring 

Once couples have an understanding of how their actions impact the other person, therapists will start introducing guidance on alternative ways of responding, all with the intention that these prompts or questions will help each partner become more curious and empathetic to the other’s feelings.

The main goal of this stage is that each person in the relationship feels more comfortable being emotionally vulnerable and accepting their partner’s emotional and attachment needs.

Stage 3: Consolidation

Once deeper trust is established in the second stage, therapists will help couples navigate ways to more effectively communicate, which includes ways to better express their needs. Some level of conflict will always be a part of every relationship, but enhancing our ways of discussing old problems and disagreeing in the future is the key to reducing tension and building trust.  

Things to Consider 

While this applies to various therapeutic approaches, couples therapy can bring negative emotions to the forefront, particularly those that individuals have suppressed or been loath to confront for a long period of time.  

Emotion-focused therapy, especially during relationship counseling, requires us to address difficult feelings, behaviors, and thought patterns head on. While this may feel vulnerable and at times even painful, it’s also best to do so in the presence of a trained mental health professional who can help process raw, emotional wounds in a healthy way.  

by Sarah Swenson, Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in Seattle, WA

Don’t Give Up on Couples Counseling! Find a Therapist Who Understands Neurodiversity Instead  

In my work with neurodiverse couples around the world, the most common and the saddest comments I hear relate to their previous attempts to seek counseling. Instead of providing support and insight into their experience, counseling seemed at best ineffective or at worst (and not infrequently) downright harmful. Naturally, these negative encounters create a strong disinclination toward further attempts to seek help. If this describes your views of couples counseling, and if you fear it would be hopeless for you and your partner, please mull over these comments and consider giving it another try. 

Understanding Neurodiversity 

First, let’s make sure we’re talking about the same thing when we speak of neurodiversity. It’s a term that has only been around since a graduate student coined it in her master’s thesis in 1997 to describe individuals who felt they didn’t fit comfortably into the larger social patterns of expectations. She included those with ADHD, dyslexia, and autism under this umbrella.  

Her efforts were based in her concept that these are variations, not deficits, in the normal spectrum of human brain development. When I say neurodiverse couple, therefore, I am specifically referring to a couple in which one partner is what we call neurotypical (that describes roughly 97% of the global human population) and the other is neurodivergent with the traits of autism, whether diagnosed or undiagnosed. I often see ADHD accompanying autism as well, since it is frequently a diagnosis given to individuals whose autism was not diagnosed at the time of evaluation. 

Treating Neurodiverse Couples 

Remember that autism is a result of differences in the structure of the brain, when compared to what we call the neurotypical brain, and these differences affect an individual’s perception of the world as well as their responses to it and, therefore, social interactions. The key word is differences. These differences need to be identified, accommodated, and supported within the counseling framework in order for both partners to feel heard and understood by themselves, by their partners, and by their therapists. 

Faulty Assumptions Lead to Frustrating Sessions 

Besides the normal range of relationship complications faced by all couples, neurodiverse couples experience unique challenges that set them apart from the neurotypical couples that licensed therapists are trained to treat. Traditional couples therapy modalities are generally emotion-focused and insight-based, often embedded in a cognitive-behavioral frame, and they can offer profound help to struggling neurotypical couples. However, these treatment modalities present two great challenges for an autistic individual. For various reasons, the autistic partner is likely to shut down completely in the counseling environment, where presumptions are based in the neurotypical experience and where departures from those expectations are misconstrued to be resistance, reluctance, or manipulation.  

This likelihood needs to be identified and embraced with compassion toward both partners, but what often happens instead is that the autistic partner is pushed in ways that don’t make sense to them, while the neurotypical partner may feel slightly vindicated in the moment but ultimately frustrated when they sense that “there is no follow-through by my partner after counseling sessions,” as it is often described to me. 

Ignorance Leads to Misunderstanding 

A key point is this: graduate counseling education and post-graduate internships across the country lack deep emphasis and training in the concept of neurodiversity as it applies to couples. The best and most competent therapists, therefore, often miss signs of autism and proceed as if a couple were neurotypical and difficult or intransigent.  

Seeking Help, Finding Frustration 

Sometimes, therapists do consider autism, and suggest to a couple that they work with a neurodiversity specialist or consider pursuing an evaluation to rule out autism or to diagnose it. This suggestion can be met with resistance by an undiagnosed autistic partner, who feels blindsided and labeled abruptly. The couple leaves in tatters and often never returns to a counseling room because the therapist did not adequately explain their reasons for making the suggestion nor describe the benefits to the individual and to the couple seeking an evaluation. 

The more common reason couples leave counseling and don’t return is that they feel they are getting nowhere. The therapist’s ideas may sound good, but the couple senses they don’t address the root of their challenges, which they often struggle to express in a way that the therapist understands. They leave in great frustration, and often aggravation, especially if one partner inadvertently feels blamed for the other’s distress or feels identified as responsible for the dysfunction in their relationship. An autistic partner, for example, is often primed by life experience to feel blame where there is no intention to blame. This fact also needs to be understood and normalized for a couple, both to help them understand where they’ve been and preventively for the future. 

Getting What Neurodiverse Couples Experience 

Getting Neurotypical Partners 

In my years of work with neurodiverse couples, I have heard absolute horror stories. Not a small number of women, for example, have been misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder by therapists who interpreted their frustration inaccurately. I often hear about vague mentions of dependent personality or co-dependency on the part of the neurotypical partner whose legitimate struggles are misinterpreted. It is often suggested to the neurotypical partner that they stop viewing themselves as a victim in the relationship when they try to describe their inability to communicate clearly to their partner, no matter how they try. 

Getting Autistic Partners 

The autistic partner, on the other hand, is seen as aloof, disinterested, even intentionally cruel. A common misconception, and one that makes me seethe inside, is that autistic persons lack empathy. Pushing an autistic partner to express their thoughts or feelings in session can intensify the baseline anxiety already present in most autistic individuals. The experience is overwhelmingly unpleasant. 

Getting the Neurodiverse Couple’s Sexual Relationship 

A couple’s challenges in their sexual relationship are also frequently misunderstood. If the suggested antidotes to their problems don’t make sense to the autistic partner for reasons that make perfectly good sense to someone who understands autism, there is no follow-through. Use of porn, affairs, flirtation, alcohol use, struggles related to holding a job, and legal problems are all misattributed, and therefore suggested solutions by a well-meaning therapist most often do not align with the root issues. 

Finding Couples Therapy That Can Help 

The miracle is that so many couples do take a deep breath and are still willing to give counseling another chance.  

If you believe that either you or your partner might be autistic, and you are struggling to feel understood and supported by your therapist, please don’t give up. Instead, seek a specialist who understands the neurodiverse relationship and the implications for both partners. It truly is possible to feel embraced in a therapeutic relationship. 

The therapist directory here at GoodTherapy.org is a good place to start. You can search by location and clinical specialty. Many therapists work online now; thus, your choices regarding therapists are not so location-dependent. 

Find someone who can help you both understand what neurodiversity is and what it means, who can work as an interpreter between you and your partner, so that you understand yourself and your partner in ways that help you develop successful communication strategies. In this way, you can identify and explore the differences between you in good faith, with hope and compassion, and, in doing so, develop deeper connection and intimacy.  

Isn’t that why you sought therapy in the first place? 

By Dr. Jocelyn Markowicz, PhD, Psychologist

Attachment Hope for Couples: How to Improve Your Security Odds

You walk into the room and lock eyes with the most gorgeous human being you have ever seen. This individual locks eyes with you as well. You begin talking and realize that the chemistry between you is intense. You plan a date. You have several great dates. You fall in love and begin to talk about spending the rest of your lives together. You have the wedding. You go on the honeymoon. You begin to live your day-to-day lives together. (Perhaps not quite in that order.) But then, as you settle into shared lives, you notice that something is changing. The arguments are more frequent. The emotions are not all positive. Why does your partner leave when there is conflict? Why does your partner walk away when you need soothing? Why are they sometimes exhaustingly clingy and other times too independent? John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth offered an answer rooted in attachment styles to these questions. Several researchers after them offered solutions. I’d like to share them with you. 

The Evolution of a Relationship

It is important to acknowledge that it takes time for interpersonal patterns to emerge within a romantic relationship. A perception bias occurs when you first fall in love that naturally heightens your connection to your partner’s strengths and limits your awareness of their weaknesses. Thus, it is in day-to-day living that you develop more accurate perceptions of patterns that are problematic. 

Why You Relate the Way You Do

In the 1960s, John Bowlby asserted that we learn positive and negative ways of relating based on our parent-child experiences. Our ways of relating are designed to strengthen our bond with our attachment figures (parents/caregivers) growing up. They help us survive. An attachment behavioral system gradually emerges wherein we attempt to regulate our emotions and behaviors toward an attachment figure. To do this, Bowlby (1980) asserted that the attachment system essentially asks the following fundamental question: Is the attachment figure nearby, accessible, and attentive? According to Bowlby (1980), an individual who has experienced a secure attachment is likely to view attachment figures as available, responsive, and helpful. An insecurely attached individual would view attachment figures as inaccessible, untrustworthy, and unreliable.

Different Attachment Styles

Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s attachment behavioral system and introduced specific attachment styles that explain our attachment behaviors. She outlined three specific attachment styles: (1) secure attachment and two insecure attachment styles: (1) anxious-resistant, and (2) avoidant (Ainsworth, 1979). In adult romantic relationships, the insecurely attached adult who is anxious-resistant would be dependent on their partner and yet reject their soothing attempts. The insecurely attached adult who is avoidant would not seek emotional or physical comfort from their partner when experiencing emotional distress. 

Bowlby and Ainsworth helped us to understand that our way of relating to others is guided by our early attachment experiences, but do we indeed exhibit the same attachment behaviors in our adult romantic relationships?

Further Research into Attachment Styles 

Hazen and Shaver (1987) evaluated Bowlby’s theoretical premise that early attachment behaviors extend to adulthood and are relatively stable. They conducted research and found that adults also reported the three attachment categories that Ainsworth determined (secure, anxious-resistant, and avoidant). Their research identified that romantic relationships are attachment bonds and share similar attachment behaviors that characterize parent-child interactions. In essence, Bowlby and Ainsworth were right to suggest that we can look at our adult relationships and evaluate our partner’s attachment behaviors based on their childhood attachment experiences. 

Are People Stuck Forever in Patterns from Childhood? 

What happens if you partner with someone with an insecure attachment style? Can their attachment style become secure? 

Researchers had the same questions about whether or not early attachment behaviors could be changed in adulthood. Findings across several studies did indicate that while early attachment style is relatively stable (Kim, Baek, & Park, 2021), attachment behaviors can change (Tmej, AMA et al., 2020; Sims, 2000; Rimane, Steil, Renneberg, & Rosner’s, 2020; Overall, Simpson, & Struthers, 2013; Gazder & Stranton, 2010; Park, Johnson, MacDonald, & Impett, 2019). Therein lies the hope for the couple. So, back to the question, what happens if you partner with an insecurely attached individual? How can you increase your secure attachment odds in your relationship?

Distress in romantic relationships is the leading cause for adults to seek psychological services (Bradbury, 1998). There are specific interventions that increase attachment security or reduce the negative impact of insecure attachment behaviors in romantic relationships. The following interventions are supported by empirical examination.

Transference-Focused Therapy

Transference-focused therapy (TFT) is a therapeutic intervention that aims to reduce impulsivity, stabilize mood, and improve interpersonal and occupational functioning. The intervention is specifically designed for individuals who struggle with borderline personality disorder. Trauma can impact the internalized representations of personality. It is not uncommon for individuals to develop maladaptive personality traits in response to trauma. Trauma impacts attachment bonds. TFT is a great choice for an individual partner in a couple dyad who may also struggle with borderline personality. A recent study found that individuals who participated in TFT moved towards securely attached with some preoccupied behaviors away from insecurely attached with preoccupied behaviors (Tmej, AMA et al., 2020)

Emotionally Focused Therapy

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) for couples focuses on reshaping distressed couples’ structured, repetitive interactions and the emotional responses that evoke partners and foster the development of a secure emotional bond (Jonson, 1996; Jonson, 1999). The EFT model assumes that the negative emotions and interactional cycles typical of distressed couples represent a struggle for secure attachment (Bowlby, 1969). Sims (2000) randomized 26 couples in which at least one partner had been rated as insecurely attached to EFT or a waitlist control group. Couples in the EFT treatment condition increased their attachment security (and decreased attachment-related avoidance) more than the control couples. 

Trauma-Focused Cognitive Processing Therapy

Trauma-focused cognitive processing therapy (CPT) focuses on changing the dysfunctional beliefs associated with trauma. Trauma during our early attachment years impacts our attachment functioning, thereby shaping how we related to others in romantic relationships. CPT offers hope for couples in that an insecurely attached partner, who has been the victim of trauma, can participate in this mode of treatment to improve functioning. In Rimane, Steil, Renneberg, and Rosner’s (2020) study, individuals who participated in CPT experienced reduced avoidance attachment (insecure) behaviors when assessed post-treatment.

Dyadic Regulation Processes

Dyadic regulation processing occurs in couples therapy and is designed to improve attachment-relevant dyadic interactions between them. Applying the Dyadic Regulation Processing Model, researchers evaluated how partners can buffer the impact of their partner’s anxious resistant or avoidant behaviors due to their insecure attachments. Overall, Simpson and Struthers (2013) videotaped romantic couples discussing relationship problems identified by one partner who wanted changes in the other partner. Results indicated that insecurely attached partners whose partners displayed more softening exhibited less anger and withdrawal, and their discussions were more successful. These partners buffered their insecurely attached partner’s responses by learning to be sensitive to their autonomy needs, validating their viewpoint, and acknowledging their constructive efforts and good qualities.

Partner Relationship Mindfulness

General mindfulness is defined as the awareness of what is happening in the moment. In their study, Gazder and Stranton (2010) defined relationship mindfulness (RM) as open or receptive attention to and awareness of what is taking place internally and externally in a current relationship. They found that an individual’s own daily relationship mindfulness did not buffer the effects of their own insecure attachment on same-day relationship behaviors, but their partner’s daily relationship mindfulness did. In essence, you can buffer the impact of your partner’s insecure attachment behaviors by increasing your own relationship mindfulness. Therapy is a great place to learn how to practice relationship mindfulness techniques.

Partner with Someone with a Secure Attachment Style

As outlined, various treatment interventions can move an individual and couple towards more secure attachment relating. At this point, you may be thinking that hope is only achieved within a therapeutic setting. I have good news for you. If you are a securely attached individual, you play an important role in your relationship with an insecurely attached partner. Experiencing secure behaviors within romantic relationships can reduce representations of insecure attachment style (Park, Johnson, MacDonald, & Impett, 2019). How romantic! Your secure attachment behaviors can provide a secure base for your insecurely attached partner to grow. In the context of your relationship, you and your partner will experience many life events together. In their most recent study, Fraley, Gillath, and Deboek (2020) found that life events could change attachment style presentations in adulthood, with some changes yielding an enduring pattern.  

What Lies within Our Power?

We cannot go back to our childhood and choose caregivers that would prevent us from developing an insecure attachment style. We, therefore, cannot prevent the impact of any dysfunctional early childhood attachment experiences on who we are, interpersonally, as adults. However, there is hope. We can increase our secure attachment odds by choosing partners who are securely attached. We can participate in couples therapy interventions. We can also offer a secure attachment base for our insecurely attached partner. Attachment styles do not equate to fixed potential in your relationship – there is always room for growth. 

If you’re ready to explore how therapy can help you and your relationship, click through to find a couples therapist near you.

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1979). Attachment as related to mother-infant interaction. In Advances in the study of behavior (Vol. 9, pp. 1-51). Academic Press.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

Bowlby, J. (1980). Loss: Sadness & depression. Attachment and Loss (vol. 3); (International psycho-analytical library no.109). London: Hogarth Press.

Bradbury, T. N. (1998). The developmental course of marital dysfunction. New York: Cambridge University Press.

Gazder, T. & Stanton, S. C.E (2020). Partners’ Relationship Mindfulness Promotes Better Daily Relationship Behaviors for Insecurely Attached Individuals. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 5;17(19):7267.

Hazen, C., & Shaver, P.R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52, 511-524.

Johnson, S. (1996). The practice of emotionally focused marital therapy: Creating connection. New York. Brunner/Mazel.

Johnson, S. (1999). Emotionally focused couples therapy: Straight to the heart. 

In J. Donovan (Ed.), Short term couple therapy (pp. 14-42). New York Guilford Press.

Fraley, R.C., Gillath, O. & Deboeck,P.R.(2020, August13).Do Life Events Lead to Changes in Adult Attachment Styles? A Naturalistic Longitudinal Investigation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 

Kim, S.‐H., Baek, M., & Park, S. (2021). Association of parent–child experiences with insecure attachment in adulthood: A systematic review and meta‐analysis. Journal of Family Theory & Review.

Overall, N.C., & Simpson J. A.( 2013) Regulation processes in close relationships. In: Simpson JA, Campbell L, editors. The Oxford handbook of close relationships. New York: Oxford University Press; 2013. pp. 427–451.

Park, Y., Johnson, M. D., MacDonald, G., & Impett, E. A. (2019). Perceiving gratitude from a romantic partner predicts decreases in attachment anxiety. Developmental Psychology, 55(12), 2692–2700.

Rimane, E., Steil, R., Renneberg, B. & Rosner, R. (2020). Get secure soon: attachment in abused adolescents and young adults before and after trauma-focused cognitive processing therapy. European Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.

Sims A. Unpublished doctoral dissertation. University of Ottawa; Canada: 2000. Working models of attachment: The impact of emotionally focused marital therapy.

Tmej, A., Fischer-Kern, M., Doering, S., Hörz-Sagstetter, S., Rentrop, M., & Buchheim, A. (2021). Borderline patients before and after one year of transference-focused psychotherapy (TFP): A detailed analysis of change of attachment representations. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 38(1), 12–21.

Author’s note: It is always a challenge to choose genders when writing about neurodiverse couples. Here I use the example of an autistic man and a neurotypical woman. I don’t mean to imply there are no cases in which this is reversed. It’s just that at this time, men are diagnosed at a 4:1 ratio to women, and in my practice, it is the majority of men who are the autistic partners. This could reflect the higher frequency of autism among men, or it could mean more couples like this present for counseling than couples in which the autistic partner is female. It is also important to note that individuals on the spectrum can be susceptible to gaslighting from others, and I will address this in a separate article.

In my work with neurodiverse couples in which one partner is autistic, one of the words I hear most often is “gaslighting.” Here’s an example:

“It would be one thing if we just fought like other couples who eventually make up. But that’s not how it is with us. Instead, we argue about something, and he tells me I’m being irrational. Or childish. Or critical. Then he shuts down. Often, he storms out of the room. If I try to bring it up later, he tells me I’m imagining things, that he didn’t say that, or if he did say it, he didn’t mean it the way I took it. He says I’m being too sensitive. And he shuts down again. I’m left feeling as if I’ll explode with frustration. I’m furious. And I have nowhere to go with it. I start to wonder if he’s right about me. I don’t know what to believe anymore. Is this gaslighting?”

Gaslighting Defined

In brief, gaslighting is a term that derives from the 1944 movie called Gaslight in which a husband successfully manipulates his wife into doubting her own reality. The husband in the story has a dark secret which is at the root of everything he says and does to his wife. To him, she is not a person with her own interior life. She is a pawn in his selfish game, which until the end he plays shrewdly enough to cause her to doubt her own version of reality.

“Instead, we argue about something, and he tells me I’m being irrational. Or childish. Or critical. Then he shuts down. Often, he storms out of the room. If I try to bring it up later, he tells me I’m imagining things, that he didn’t say that, or if he did say it, he didn’t mean it the way I took it.”

In reference to the flickering gaslights in the story, this effect has become known as gaslighting: intentionally treating a person in such a way as to cause confusion and cognitive dissonance, which eventually lead to collapse into self-doubt.

Of note is that at the heart of the husband’s motivation is a desire for riches, symbolized by jewels. This part of the story is often overlooked, but it is worth consideration when we are talking about autistic behavior.

Questioning Reality in Neurodiverse Relationships

First, let’s return to the comments of the neurotypical partner I quoted above. One way to view her statement is in terms of gaslighting, just as it is laid out in the movie.

In this model, time after time, incident after incident, she is cajoled into questioning what her own eyes, ears, and heart are telling her. Finally, she gives up. She begins to believe the mirror her partner holds up to her reflects an accurate representation of who she is. In order to believe that, she has been forced to discount any impulse of her own that contradicts such an image. She collapses into self-doubt. His manipulation has succeeded. Does this make him right? His smugness suggests that he believes so. He feels clever. He has won.

What would motivate someone to treat another person this way? Such manipulation may be observable in certain personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), antisocial personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder (BPD). In short, it is not healthy to intentionally set out to dominate someone else by negating that person’s reality. Such individuals leave a trail of emotional wreckage in the lives of others. Shelves full of books and countless hours of therapy are devoted to helping those victimized by such manipulators.

Looking Beyond the Behavior: Self-Protection

Behind the behavior of the personality disordered, there is an unconscious drive to protect that which feels threatened, which is usually the person’s self-worth. In twisted logic, anything that might compromise such fragile emotional integrity must be extinguished at all costs before it can extinguish the very life of the manipulator. This may be felt as desperation.

As a result, manipulation can be rationalized. It may not be viewed as a choice but rather as a necessity for survival. Incidentally, there is no respect for someone who can be manipulated, which makes further mistreatment easier and may even be viewed as what the person deserves.

But this is not the motivation of someone with autism.

The Tragic Dance of the Neurodiverse Couple

The jewels an autistic person guards could best be described as personal integration and a sense of security in who he is. Threats may come from feeling overwhelmed emotionally in the face of what seems like unmanageable ambiguity and uncertainty, which often lead to untenably high anxiety. Reducing that anxiety, consciously or not, is the most likely driver for behavior that appears to be gaslighting in someone with Asperger’s.

Reducing that anxiety, consciously or not, is the most likely driver for behavior that appears to be gaslighting in someone with Asperger’s.

Often, this person is oblivious to the harmful effects of his behavior and doubts the validity of someone’s observation that it might be gaslighting. The fact is that I have never met an autistic person whose conscious intent is to manipulate his partner.

But the key phrase is “conscious intent.” Because even though a person with Asperger’s may not mean to manipulate (gaslight) his partner, her actual experience is the same as it would be if intent were there.

In short, we have a couple in which one partner feels as if he is fighting for survival and another partner who feels as if she is fighting for survival, and in a two-way charge, one person’s means of doing so obliterates the reality of the other. It is what I call the tragic dance of the neurodiverse couple.

Addressing the Tragic Dance in Couples Counseling

The autistic person can learn in counseling that his behavior has the effect of invalidating his partner’s emotional life. He can come to understand that even though he does not intend to inflict such pain, the effect is real. Her dismayed and perhaps argumentative behavior is how a neurotypical person might justifiably respond to what feels like manipulative behavior from someone else. She is not trying to criticize him. She is trying to express her pain.

More often than not, this realization is met with deep remorse and often guilt. In time, he can learn to understand his own way of being in the world without judging himself harshly as being wrong or defective, because that is not the correct metric. Emotional support for him is key to his growth in this area.

The neurotypical partner can learn, first and foremost, that her response to feeling manipulated is normal. Her pain and confusion are normal. They are valid. She must be allowed to acknowledge and heal her wounds, because it doesn’t matter whether she was stabbed intentionally or inadvertently: she is still bleeding.

The second step, though, is to begin to understand that her autistic partner is not trying to hurt her; instead, what she experiences as manipulation is his way of trying to reduce omnipresent anxiety, which usually derives from a lifelong experience of not quite getting things right when it comes to understanding someone else’s emotions. She needs emotional support in order to move forward. At the same time, she also has to come to terms with the fact that her partner’s way of offering this support may not align with her idea of what that support must look like.

The way to view communication in a neurodiverse couple, or any couple, is in terms of its effectiveness. This is the only metric that matters. It’s not a matter of who is right or who is wrong. The goal of communication is mutual understanding. In order to improve communication skills and strategies, recognizing differences with an effort to respect them without judgment becomes the foundation for growth in the relationship.

When I work with couples, we concentrate on slowing down conversational speed, considering linguistics and the formal logic of argument, and identifying the emotional subtext and context inherent in communication. It takes time. It takes practice. It is not always successful. When it is, it can be described as a process of two steps forward and one step back as two parallel lives learn to build bridges between two lines that will never completely merge.

Learning to trust deeply after years of being hurt, having the faith that being vulnerable one more time might be worth the risk, accepting that one’s interpretation of another’s behavior may not be the same as that person’s intent: these are the challenges.

It can’t be gaslighting without the intent to manipulate. Regardless, it can feel like gaslighting. Education about neurodiversity, skilled counseling, and communication in renewed mutual respect create the tools for interrupting this revolving door.

Reference:

Gaslight (1944). (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0036855

Ever had an argument? Most of us have. But have you stopped to think about why we have arguments?

Arguments in relationships are often based on the emotional response of feeling unheard. You’ve said it a thousand times, and still … nothing changes.

You would think you’d finally be listened to when you said something for the 1001st time. But when that doesn’t happen, when you still feel unheard, you are frustrated. You may even be angry.

Of course you’re frustrated. Of course you’re likely to get mad.

But try not to get mad. This often only makes the argument worse. What’s more, you still may not feel listened to.

Why Aren’t They Listening?

For just a moment, let’s consider things from your partner’s perspective to see how your attempt to be heard is being processed. They may be thinking something like this, “Oh, there they go again. Are they ever going to stop harping on about this? I feel like I’m living in purgatory!” [fat_widget_relationships_right]

They’re not listening because they feel like your repeated attempts to discuss something important is actually you nagging at them. They may feel attacked and accused. They most likely feel defensive. They probably shut down faster than you can say “Jack Robinson.”

So no, they aren’t listening. They may never have been listening. They don’t want to hear blame or criticism.

In the beginning, when you first brought up whatever it was, you likely had no intention of casting blame or criticizing. You just wanted to share something, something you wanted done or changed or understood better. But your partner took it as criticism.

That was not your fault.

Children, particularly children in troubled homes, learn survival habits and skills early. They then take those survival skills into their relationships. In a relationship, these skills may be more of a liability than an asset. But how would someone know otherwise if they’ve only ever known a family who said hurtful things it would have been better to not hear?

There could be a number of reasons behind their interpretation. Maybe they had a parent who did nag at them, possibly mercilessly. Maybe they didn’t get love or validation from that parent, either. If that was the case, it probably made perfect sense to develop the habit of tuning out.

Children, particularly children in troubled homes, learn survival habits and skills early. They then take those survival skills into their relationships. In a relationship, these skills may be more of a liability than an asset. But how would someone know otherwise if they’ve only ever known a family who said hurtful things it would have been better to not hear?

So it’s not their fault, either.

Whose fault is it, then?

It isn’t anyone’s fault.

The sooner both partners realize this, and stop thinking in terms of blame and fault, the sooner the conflict can not only be resolved, but changed permanently.

This leads me to my four-step solution to a problem many couples experience: escalating arguments.

A Four-Step Solution

1. Do something different.

A good way to break a harmful cycle is to try something different. You feel like you’ve said the same thing over and over but still aren’t being heard. Instead of reacting with an explosive outburst, take a deep breath and consider that it might be time to try a new approach.

What are some different things you could do to get your loved one’s attention?

• Send a text or email.
• Better yet, write a note by hand.
• If you feel creative, write a silly song and set it to music.
• Another option is to plan a nice, relaxed dinner together. Over dinner, in a calm, quiet voice, bring up what’s on your mind.
• Try saying what you need to say with a smile, in a calm tone.

There are as many options as there are creative ideas. Let them be surprised at what you come up with.

You might wonder why you need to be “all sunshine and roses” when your partner is the one who isn’t hearing you. You might feel like it isn’t fair.

And maybe it isn’t fair. But answer this: Do you actually want to change the dynamic and finally be heard? Or do you want to keep going in circles, forever?

2. Don’t diminish yourself.

One outcome I hear from people is that somehow they ended up stooping down to the level of the other person. Whether your partner is yelling, speaking in a belittling way, or doing any other unpleasant thing, you have the option of responding in kind or not. You can choose how you react.

A reactor, I often tell the people I work with, is like the knee-jerk reflex. When a doctor taps your knee with the little hammer to check your patellar reflect, your knee kicks out as if it has a mind of its own. That is being reactive. Your knee can’t choose to react in that way.

I encourage you to not be a knee. Decide in advance that you will not lose your temper, that you will not demean yourself by reacting negatively. Instead you’ll keep calm and maintain your dignity and self-respect.

3. Be grateful you had a different experience. 

To do this, there’s no need to put down your partner. Simply note with gratitude that in your growing-up years you didn’t need to learn to block out painful words of shame or rejection from your parents or caregivers. If you did have that similar experience, be grateful you were able to handle it better. You don’t tune out the people in your life. You don’t ignore requests for help or understanding.

Remember your partner reacts the way they do as a result of bad experience, not choice. Their actions are the product of a habit. They likely don’t even see what they’re doing and how destructive it is. Be grateful that no matter what you’ve been through, you can see how destructive this behavior is. Have compassion and empathy for those who are stuck in a rut of tuning out those they love.

When you reach this step, the first step will be much easier!

4. Breathe and meditate.

There is one final solution that is simple but still amazingly powerful. Slow down your autonomic nervous system and turn off the stress hormone cortisol in your brain, simply by deep breathing.

Research has shown that taking 20 minutes to meditate is great, but this length of time is not necessary. Don’t get me wrong. It’s wonderful if you have 20 minutes to do it. The result we’re looking for here, though, can be achieved by taking only one minute, 10 times a day, to breathe slowly and deeply. Breathe2Relax, an app you can download on your phone, can be tremendously useful for this.

To make this exercise even more powerful, hold positive thoughts in your mind while doing the deep breathing. Even if you only do this for one minute, you can retrain your brain to respond in a healthier way to the irritating situation.

Steven Stosny, the preeminent researcher working with aggressive and uncompassionate men, suggests people visualize, 12 times a day, themselves reacting to stress in a way that makes them feel more valuable. While doing this, note the good feelings that come with reacting in a more valuable, positive way (as opposed to a knee-jerk reaction of irritation).

This means doing the deep breathing while at the same time visualizing—for example, speaking to that tuned-out partner with love and understanding—and noting how good that feels. Repeat this 12 times a day. Stosny explains that this works because it creates a habit, one we can feel good about. And the beautiful thing about habits is that with practice, they become part of us.

If you and your partner are struggling to stop a cycle of arguments, or if one or both of you feel unheard, know there is help available. A qualified, compassionate couples counselor can offer support and guidance as you work through relationship challenges.

Reference:

Stosny, S. (2013). Blue-collar therapy: The nitty-gritty of lasting change. Psychotherapy Networker. 22-20, 54.

Water is water.

Are you thinking, “Of course water is water. What else would it be?”

Perfect. If you’re thinking that, you’re already on the right track to understanding human behavior and what it means for partner rules of engagement. What do I mean by rules of engagement? Rules of engagement refer to the set of rules a person follows when engaging with a particular target. The target discussed in this article is a person’s partner.

What does the expression “Water is water” have to do with the rules a person must follow when engaging with their partner?

Well, water is a chemical substance that can exist as a solid, liquid, or gas. Water is an odorless liquid at ambient temperature and pressure—the typical temperature and pressure of the surrounding environment. Essentially, water’s natural state is liquid. But when you lower or increase the temperature or pressure, it can change into another matter state. If water is cold enough, it can turn into ice. If it is hot enough, it can turn into a gas.

Our Natural States of Being

What do water and human beings have in common?

[fat_widget_relationships_right]

Just like water, we have our natural states. But we can exist in many emotional and behavioral forms—depending on the emotional temperature or life pressure placed on us. For example, you may be sitting on the sofa frustrated that your partner (or child!) will not help you clean the house unless you get into an argument and make ultimatums. You become frustrated each time you have to do this, but you are equally frustrated when they go back to their natural state of not helping you clean up until you again put pressure on them.

Water is water.

You may be upset that your partner does not plan romantic dates. While this is upsetting on its own, you are more grieved at the realization that the only time your partner does plan a romantic date is after you have a heartfelt discussion about unmet needs in your relationship. After some time passes, your partner goes right back to the state of not planning romantic dates.

Just like water, we have our natural states. But we can exist in many emotional and behavioral forms—depending on the emotional temperature or life pressure placed on us.

Water is water.

You may be a newly engaged partner struggling with your partner’s constant tardiness. You have tried to deal with your partner being late to everything in the past. But now your partner is late to what you consider one of the most important moments of your life, planning your wedding. You are concerned that, unless you get upset and draw a line in the sand, your partner will not show up to planning sessions on time. To make matters worse, you just know your partner will only be punctual a few times after an argument and will shortly go back to being the late-to-everything partner.

Water is water.

New Rules of Engagement

Even when certain facts impact behavioral change, a person’s natural state tends to remain the default. Of course, it is possible for a person to change, but this change generally comes from within.

What can you do about this?

You can try out new partner rules of engagement. These three rules can be established at any phase of the relationship.

1. Be a partner researcher. Have you heard the saying, “The best defense is a good offense”? While dating, become an investigator of your partner’s natural states. Dating is an environment that can change the temperature and pressure of the surrounding environment. When a person says their partner was “not like this when we were dating,” that is often quite true. The pressure of being a good candidate can push someone to temporarily behave in a way that differs from the way they might typically behave. A person might be on their best behavior while dating, in other words. But as dating continues, the changed temperature and pressure in that environment becomes more ambient, or typical. A person’s natural tendencies may be more apparent than tendencies under pressure. Determine what their natural states are. If you are already in a committed, long-term relationship, examine their natural tendencies as seen across the relationship.
2. Analyze your partner data. So you’ve determined your partner’s natural states. What do you do with that information? It helps to take a step back and determine what “pressures” tend to change their matter states. For example, you determined your partner seemed more spontaneous early in the relationship but is not naturally spontaneous. When you go to your partner and express your desire for more spontaneity, however, a change happens. They engage in more spontaneous behavior for the next few months. This tells you your partner can engage in behavior change and is willing to try to meet your needs when these needs are communicated.
3. Interpret and make decisions. You recognize your partner has some great natural states and others that might bother you. Do you feel connected enough to your partner that you can accept all the potential existing states? Or are some of the natural states unbearable? You might recognize that no one is perfect and feel able to commit to working together with your partner, accepting all of their natural states. Or you may have determined that although your partner has some great natural states, you do not want to have to continually adjust the temperature or pressure, so to speak, to get your partner to engage in desired behaviors more often. After you have decided your level of commitment, you can decide if you can continue on in the relationship. Before you can make this decision, understand your partner is likely to go back to their natural state when the pressure become ambient. If you feel the amount of persistent pressure you would have to maintain to get more of what you need may be too much of a commitment, you may choose to move toward other partnership opportunities.

The principles of these rules of engagement don’t only apply to romantic relationships. Remembering “Water is water” can be helpful when you experience frustration with the natural state of a parent, child, friend, or coworker. The ability of humans to evolve and change matter states is truly marvelous. But we all have our default, or natural, states.

Under pressure, and in the right temperature, we can engage in behavior change. But we always have the potential to go back to our natural state. Both empathy for a partner’s natural states and love through all the states enable us to maintain long-term commitments. You may be able to adjust both pressure and temperature in your relationship, but you cannot change anyone but yourself. Applying the partner rules of engagement can help you determine if you can accept and love your partner’s natural states.

The next time you feel disappointed when your partner does not help with the kids, clean the apartment, take the trash out, or plan a romantic date, say to yourself “Water is water” and talk to your partner about how you feel. Couples therapy can also be a great place to process relational dynamics and determine action steps both of you might take to create change in your relationship. If you’d like help processing what “Water is water” means in your relationship and exploring action steps you might take based on your analyses, reach out to a qualified counselor in your area.

Relationships can be a lot of fun, but they may also be challenging and require work at times. When we meet someone and fall in love, we tend to see only their endearing qualities. After the honeymoon phase is over, some of the things that may have drawn us to them may begin to irritate us instead. We may find ourselves venturing outside our relationship to get certain needs met.

Maintaining and growing a relationship is not easy. We need to continually invest time and energy to keep it going strong. Finding new ways to nurture the relationship or get it back on track can be difficult on our own. We can get stuck in unhelpful patterns or simply not know the best way forward.

Here are some ways couples counseling can help:

[fat_widget_right]

1. Understanding your partner better. We all have different styles of interacting with others, and yours may differ from your partner’s. If you are operating on different wavelengths, getting your needs met in the relationship may be challenging. A counselor can work with you to recognize and overcome natural differences. Learning about how your partner engages with the world (and why they engage the way they do) can help you develop empathy for them. Empathy is key to relationship success.
2. Improving your communication skills. One of the common misconceptions in relationships is when one partner believes the other should automatically know what they want or need from them. Learning to communicate openly and clearly in therapy about your emotional needs can help to enhance your connection.
3. Discovering ways to have constructive (rather than destructive) arguments. There can be lasting damage when relationship conflict gets out of hand. If anger is not kept under control, it can lead to contempt, resentment, blaming, yelling, name-calling, even domestic violence in extreme cases. In counseling, you can become aware of more productive ways to listen to one another and be heard. Learning anger management skills, effective time-out techniques, and how to use I-statements to express feelings can lead to an increase in respect and satisfaction.
   In counseling, you can become aware of more productive ways to listen to one another and be heard.
4. Addressing underlying issues that may be negatively impacting the relationship. If one person in the relationship has issues that are affecting their well-being, chances are their partner is experiencing tension and/or stress. Talking through these issues in couples counseling can be helpful. In some instances, the counselor may recommend individual therapy for one or both partners (with a different therapist).
5. Finding new ways to connect and build intimacy. At times, relationships may become entrenched in routines and responsibilities. Couples with children may start to view one another only in their roles as parents, rather than as romantic partners. Others may begin to take things for granted and stop nurturing their relationship. A therapist can offer strategies for reconnecting on an emotional level and rekindling passion and intimacy.
6. Rebuilding trust in the relationship. If there has been infidelity or betrayal but the couple is willing to work on the relationship, a counselor can help them to explore any underlying issues that may have led to the problem. Partners can safely express their fears and concerns, and they can work together with the nonjudgmental therapist to rebuild trust.
7. Determining whether to stay in the relationship. Some challenges may simply be too daunting. Only you and your partner can decide that. If both partners are willing to work at it, a therapist will hold space for the promise of your relationship. If, however, one or both partners are determined to end the relationship, a counselor can help find an amicable way to handle the breakup or separation/divorce.

All relationships go through difficult times and can benefit from couples counseling. We all want to feel loved, appreciated, and understood by our partners. We all want to make a good thing better. If your relationship feels off course or could simply use some fine-tuning, give couples counseling a try.

From my many years as a couples therapist, I have learned one of the most difficult phases of the work is when a couple has committed to repairing your marriage, but before the repair has begun.

It’s an important time: you and your partner have decided to go to couples therapy, so you’ve researched local counselors and booked an appointment. But your first session hasn’t happened yet and you’re still feeling distressed, disconnected, or dissatisfied.

Some models of relationship counseling have specific tasks for this stage, such as the online relationship assessment for the Prepare/Enrich program. Therapists may also have their own preferred assessment measures, such as the classic Dyadic Adjustment Scale or the newer Gottman Relationship Checkup.

[fat_widget_right]

But these assessments are meant to inform your therapist about where to start treatment, about the issues and dynamics contributing to conflict or distress. They don’t help you and your partner get through the days or weeks until your first appointment with any more peace or patience.

So what should you be doing? Thinking about? Paying attention to? Here are three things I ask of couples seeing me for the first time, before therapy begins:

1. Prevent Further Damage

To prevent further damage, do your best to stop unhealthy patterns of interaction that are causing distress in the relationship. There has been enough conflict already. In other words, it’s important to bring your best self to every exchange so you don’t heap problems on top of problems. You’ve committed to therapy to make positive changes, and they can start right now.

For example, if you’re used to yelling at each other, preventing further damage means keeping your volume low and your tone pleasant. If you’ve been sleeping in separate rooms, preventing further damage means respecting the boundaries each of you have set to avoid distress.

If you find yourself back in a familiar dance of hurt feelings, miscommunication, or bad habits, remember to prevent further damage. Notice what is happening, halt the unhealthy spiral, and choose a different response.

2. Prioritize Self-Care

To prioritize self-care is to choose behaviors that nourish your body and spirit. The road to relationship health through therapy may be long and difficult, so it’s important to prepare yourself mentally and physically. Prioritizing self-care means taking good care of yourself.

If you find yourself back in a familiar dance of hurt feelings, miscommunication, or bad habits, remember to prevent further damage.

Here are seven ways to be intentional about self-care:

1. Eat fresh, healthy foods.
2. Drink plenty of water.
3. Rest when you are tired.
4. Prioritize sufficient, uninterrupted sleep.
5. Exercise and stretch your body.
6. Seek joy through the arts (music, comedy, theater/movies, art).
7. Soak up love from supportive relationships (children, friends, family).

You may realize it’s been a while since you were intentional about caring for yourself. Don’t worry—self-care can start right now.

3. Practice Introspection

No matter which theory of couples therapy your therapist is trained in—Emotionally Focused Therapy, Imago, and the Gottman Method may be the most well-known for their evidence-based practice—one of the primary ways your therapist will intervene in your distress is to help you and your partner think and feel differently about what is happening. These skills of perspective taking don’t come naturally to all of us, but there are ways to practice before therapy begins.

One way to practice introspection is to think about your experience from a new perspective. I’ve written previously about the power of therapy to shift your point of view, and the metaphor can help before therapy even begins. Ask yourself: What are the ways I understand or explain what is happening in my relationship? Are there alternative ways to understand it, even if I don’t agree with them? How does my partner explain what is happening? Are we looking at things from the balcony or the dance floor? What might I see if I look from the other perspective?

Another way to practice introspection is to become familiar with the idea of mindfulness. Yoga, guided imagery, apps like Headspace or Calm, or spending intentional time in nature are readily available ways to bring mindfulness into your life.

Ready to begin couples therapy? Contact a licensed counselor in your area.