Most people who have attended high school can recall a friend or classmate who, once they started to date someone, would be MIA for months at a time only to return when things didn’t work out.  This is not an uncommon, but certainly a short-sighted phenomenon and it unfortunately does not end in adulthood.  The idea is based upon the idea that we are isolated creatures that exist in a vacuum unaffected by any other relationships or expectations.  If the goal in dating is to find a lifelong partner that can integrate into all aspects of life,  the sooner you can be introduced to each other’s “worlds”, the better. 

The “world” of you

Let’s start with your world first and what you have to offer.  In order to value anything you have to have something to give up.  I recall several friends when I was younger who would say, “my life was miserable until I met my boyfriend/girlfriend.”  At first, this may seem like a compliment toward the significant other.  However, the implication is simply that they are at least a minor improvement over boredom and a distraction from pursuing any other source of worth.  This can easily slip into the emotional abuse of threatening to hurt oneself if that person were ever to leave.  Having healthy friends, family, and interests gives your significant other insights both into how to better love you, but also the skills by which you will treat them.    It is easy to win over a single person, it is challenging and infinitely more rewarding, to be able to foster relationships with many people at different levels.  When two people marry, they do not just marry the person, they are also now choosing to be affected by the familial subculture within which their spouse was raised. 

The “world” of your partner

Now let’s consider the “world” of your partner.  Contrary to how an innocent young person might consider marriage, your spouse does not come out of the ether with no personal connections and just integrates completely into your family.  It is not that you will find someone and they will forgo their past and attend all holidays and events with your family without any desire for you to attend to the relationships and interests that they have accrued.  How your significant other treats their friends and family as well as yours is a much stronger indication of long-term success than how they treat you.  Eventually, the honeymoon period wears off and they will revert to their default behaviors.  This is a compliment that they can be more authentic with you, but also a concern if their treatment of others is unattractive.  The humbling reality is that you are an extension not an exception to their general behavior.  Someday you will find yourself at the receiving end of disappointing your partner and it does not need to be a shock if you have seen how they treat others when upset along the way.   

Dating each other’s “world”

The concept of dating each other’s world has become more and more relevant as we have entered into the digital age.  It is becoming increasingly normal to meet through dating apps and other online forums.  Many people cultivate intimate conversations and trust long before meeting in person, let alone any of their friends and family.  To be fair, the internet is simply another tool for people to be exposed to potential companions.  However, it can become a crutch that hinders rather than accelerates a need for in-person interaction and exposure to the reality in which both live.  It is one thing to be told about the perspectives of their relationship and their personality, but that is neither the whole picture nor a first-person account of how you see their behavior toward others.  On some level, everyone perceives themselves to be the only sane person to get out of their family.    

Dating each other’s world is about truly trusting each other with the full scope of what it means to integrate a life together.  The input of good, well-established friends and family is essential if you are wanting to trust your choice and it is a good proving group to see if your significant other cares about you and your values and not just what they can get from you.  If something is meant to be permanent, it helps to build on a solid foundation and continue to scaffold it with proper support.  If a person is unwilling to have you meet their people, it boils down to one of two reasons, either they do not have healthy relationships, either by narcissistic choice or unfortunate and understandable mistreatment, or they do not see you as a long-term partner.  Either explanation leads to a similar encouragement to build other relationships outside of the romantic and see how that is reacted to.  When my wife and I were engaged to be wed, she not being from the area and her family living across the country, our first task as a couple was to help her make friends.  This both served to give her a sense of community and purpose when I was not with her and others to either challenge or confirm things that I was doing or saying to her.  Fostering her world and integrating her with my world became the fertile ground within which we have built our world together.   

“Unwrapping presents of the past” 

How dealing with your unresolved issues can help you with your dating life  and the  comparison Invited by social media   

When my grandmother was growing up, she didn’t know  (unless she asked) what her next-door neighbor had for breakfast, or where the next-door neighbor went for vacation. Her life was simple and, therefore, in some ways less stressful. Back in the day, my grandmother would compare herself with those around her, people she actually knew and saw on a daily basis. In today’s world, we can compare ourselves to a variety of people from all over the world, this can be an extremely overwhelming experience. In the era of “ reels” and “ Tik-Tok” videos, it has become almost impossible to differentiate between what is a display of a real moment versus a pre-planned  “ content creation”  moment.   

Technology has made our lives easier in many aspects. We are able to order food and clothing online without having to stand in line. We are able to quickly obtain information about a variety of topics. Social media has allowed us to connect with millions of people from all over the world.  As a result, we are living more complex and perhaps culturally attuned lives. However, social media has also invited comparison and envy into our daily lives. The magnitude of comparison has greatly increased and impacted some of our expectations regarding romantic relationships. 

Depending on the season, we can find content on social media that can increase our anxiety and sense of dissatisfaction in regard to our relationship status.  Valentine’s
Day, and engagement photos are often the most emotionally charged posts to digest for many of us. Couples often only post their happiest moments and rarely show what goes on “behind the scenes.  

 The fantasy of “finding the one” continues to be a struggle for many folks. Dating websites have created a space in which many individuals including young professionals can connect and attempt to find “love.” Yet, so many continue to struggle with finding the “right” person.  So many individuals are even ditching dating applications. I often wonder how much of the difficulty with finding the “ right” partner is truly about a lack of a decent dating pool.  Could it be that the real struggle of finding the “right” partner is about our own confusion around what we are truly looking for?  

Throughout the years of being a clinician, I have found that the following questions can serve as a guide, assisting folks with the process of dating.   

1. What are my intentions for wanting to date at this time?  

Being honest with yourself can save you a great amount of time and energy. Most importantly, being honest with yourself can provide you with more clarity and may decrease your anxiety.   Our motives for dating change with our life experiences and are sometimes even impacted by our age. Before going on a date, or even starting to look for a potential partner, ask yourself what are my intentions? Am I wanting to date for the sake of dating? Am I being pressured by societal and cultural norms? Do I feel that I am being pressured by friends and family?  Am I scrolling up and down on social media with comparison sitting on my shoulders and feeling as though “I am behind?”  Ask yourself what does it mean to be “ behind in life ?” Have you placed yourself on some sort of timeline?  What are your short-term and long-term goals?  How will finding a partner at this particular time impact your life?   

TIP: Creating a pros and cons list is an extremely simple and helpful tool. List all the pros and cons of being single and being in a relationship.    

2. What does love mean to me?  

There is a big difference between love and lack of emotional responsibility. In other words, love will not provide you with a “get out of jail free card.”   Even if you marry someone, or spend a great amount of time with them, you will still have to face life on life’s terms. Your partner will be there to hold your hand, but at the end of the day, you have to face your own challenges.  Searching for love is different than searching for a hero. If you think about it, a hero saves those who are helpless. Why would you want to appear to be helpless? What is so attractive about being helpless? Isn’t love about two equals becoming partners?  

TIP: One helpful tool is thinking about the meaning of love in your family or origin. What did it mean to love someone? 

3. Am I ready to be truly intimate with someone? 

The real question is, are you ready to be intimate with yourself? Intimacy goes beyond getting naked and having sex.  Intimacy is the ability to be yourself. We all have areas in our lives that need improvement. The goal is to be willing to tolerate uncomfortable feelings and learn to accept yourself for who you are. No one is perfect, and you need to remind yourself of that. If you accept yourself fully, you will be able to present yourself more authentically to others and your romantic partner. If you hide from yourself, you will attract a different group of people and romantic partners.  

TIP: One helpful tool is creating a list of your personal favorite qualities. Create a separate list of qualities that you would like to improve. Gaining insight about yourself may decrease anxiety and provide you with more clarity as to what you are looking for in a partner. 

4. What are my “personal gifts from the past” that are occupying my suitcase? 

Think of a suitcase that is filled up with all your past experiences and is continuing to be filled up with new experiences. We all have these suitcases, some of us have a few and others have more. I like to refer to “unresolved issues of the past” as “gifts from the past.” Each gift represents what you need to focus on next, in order to grow and heal emotionally.  Often, our gifts from the past have a common theme and are triggered by an interaction or even a thought. Our job is to start identifying our feelings and thoughts and becoming aware of our reactions. If our reaction to a situation is out of proportion, it may be a sign that a gift from the past is being triggered. Our job is to be kind and gentle with ourselves as we start to unwrap our gifts from the past. Being aware of your gifts from the past can help you maintain your relationships with others, especially your romantic relationships. By increasing your insight through self-reflection, you can become emotionally responsible in your relationships. A healthy partner will support you as you navigate your way through your suitcase, but they will not unwrap your gifts for you.  

TIP: One helpful tool for self-reflection is obtaining a daily journal. Journaling will allow you to turn inwards and get in touch with your raw and unfiltered feelings.  

5. What are my partner’s “gifts from the past”?  

We all have a past and the past impacts us. Some people are very insightful about their “gifts from the past” and are able to take responsibility for their emotions. These individuals are often aware of how their “unresolved” issues impact them today. They will want your support, but they will not assign you to “police them.” Your support will be appreciated, but the “heavy lifting” will be done mainly by your partner. On the other hand, there are individuals who are not aware of their “unresolved issues.” These individuals may not be willing to accept emotional responsibility and either not want to work on issues of their past, or they may want YOU to work through their issues for them. I would imagine that dating a person who lacks insight pertaining to their past or is not interested in improving themselves, may be challenging. The bottom line is that everyone has a suitcase from the past.  You may want to ask yourself if you will be OK with the “gifts” of your partner’s past? What are your deal breakers and what are you willing to HELP unwrap?  

 TIP: One helpful tip may be asking your partner how you can support them while they unwrap their presents.  

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’m an ugly guy. I used to look okay, but I got a bad injury when I was 11. The surgeon did his best, but … there’s a reason I don’t leave my house much. Every time I go out, people stare. That’s why the internet has been a haven for me. Nobody knows what I look like because I use a stock photo for my profile pictures.

As you can guess, finding love hasn’t been easy for me. I’ve tried every dating app under the sun and I never get any responses. I know everybody says the inside is what counts, but women see my face and run before I can get a word out. I can’t really blame them, but it’s still frustrating. I’ve been so lonely, you have no idea.

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But five months ago I found the most amazing girl. We met on a film forum and started geeking out about Quentin Tarantino. The more I talked with this girl, the more I liked her. So when she started flirting with me, it was a dream come true. She’s the first girl who has EVER been interested in me. I couldn’t help but flirt back.

We’ve been in a relationship for five months now. She’s asked to meet a few times (we both live near Chicago), but I’ve been putting it off. My girlfriend got a little mad last time and jokingly asked if I was catfishing her. And it hit me: She was right. I am a catfish.

I didn’t post the fake profile picture to lure anyone in, though. I only wanted people to see the real me, which is basically the opposite of catfishing, right? And I’ve been honest with my girlfriend about everything else. But … ever since that talk, I’ve felt so guilty. I know I should tell my girlfriend the truth, but I don’t want to lose her. The one time I tried to bring it up, I panicked and backed out at the last minute.

What should I do? Should I meet up and listen to whatever my girlfriend has to say? Or will we both hurt less if I break up with her from behind the screen? —Accidental Catfisher

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Accidental Catfisher,

I feel for you. Dating in person is rough enough, but virtual dating adds some notable complications. Knowing who and what you can trust online is a challenge, and the potential for catfishing—defined by Merriam-Webster as setting up a “false personal profile on a social networking site for fraudulent or deceptive purposes”—is one reason that’s so.

You write that you “didn’t post the fake profile picture to lure anyone in,” that you only wanted people to see the “real” you. By that, I assume you mean you wanted people to form their perceptions of you based on your expressions rather than your appearance. That’s understandable. I wonder if, had you revealed early on that your profile photo is an avatar, your love interest would have also understood. Now that things are progressing toward a possible face-to-face meeting, you say you don’t know how to resolve this situation.

Speaking of understandable, your fear of rejection and loss is easy to relate to, as is your panic in the moment with so much at stake. I hear how important this relationship is to you. Relationships call for courage and openness. Writing your letter is both courageous and open of you, which bodes well for your ability to be candid with the people in your life.

I’m not here to tell you what to do. I am here to try to help you understand what your feelings are telling you. For example, the guilt you say you feel may be trying to steer you toward a corrective action—in this case, perhaps fessing up, apologizing, and asking for forgiveness.

You say this is the first time a girl has been interested in you. Relationships are built on authenticity and compassion. Is losing a person who doesn’t value those things above all else really a loss?

I imagine you have placed yourself in her shoes and have considered how you might feel to be told she hadn’t been forthcoming about her appearance. Would that be a problem for you? Would it have been less of a problem early on as opposed to now? Would it be more of a problem to find out in person as opposed to now, over the internet? These are all questions I would want to explore with you in therapy as we thought about how you might proceed.

I would also want to explore some of the self-image concerns I’m hearing, as those concerns may be at the root of everything else that’s going on. You describe yourself with more than a hint of shame, despair, and some longing as well. It’s unfortunate that some of your experiences—being stared at and so on—have reinforced these self-perceptions.

But there’s also clearly a lot to like, based on the fact you have attracted someone special. Those likable things are winning, desirable qualities no matter what. Are they mostly in hiding too? If you feel confident and loving about what’s under the surface, often the surface-level stuff takes care of itself.

You say this is the first time a girl has been interested in you. Relationships are built on authenticity and compassion. Is losing a person who doesn’t value those things above all else really a loss?

So here we are. What’s next? You can disappear and “ghost” her, break up behind the screen, fess up before you meet, or come clean in person. Only you know what is right. Whatever you decide, I recommend that you work with a therapist who will help you face up to yourself and then to others.

I hear that you are reluctant to be “seen.” It’s ultimately what we all want—to be accepted and loved, warts and all. I hope you can offer yourself and your friend some compassion and take the steps necessary to live an authentic life you can feel good about.

Take care,

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, NCPsyA, C-IAYT

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

A few months ago I started dating a woman who has a lot going for her—great personality, whip-smart, professionally accomplished, lots in common including music and sports—but things have not been ideal in the romance department. I think a lot of it has to do with how she kisses me. She has this thing she does (almost every time) where she practically sucks my lips entirely into her mouth, uses her teeth, darts her tongue, and slobbers all over me. It’s way too wet and over-the-top for me, and it distracts heavily from anything else that might be happening. In fact, it not only makes me not want to kiss her, it makes me not want to have sex with her because I know kissing will happen. I have erectile difficulties with her in part, I think, because this is always in the back of my mind. (I have not traditionally had such issues with other women.)

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Before you mention it, I have talked to her candidly about this at least three times, as gently as I can. She knows our kissing isn’t working for me. She has given lip service (pun intended) to wanting to adjust how she kisses me. I have tried to lead the way a few times and asked her to do as I do. Yet she continues to kiss me like my face is a lollipop. I can’t take it anymore.

She is the only person I’ve ever dated who I’ve had this issue with. I am tired of mentioning it, and am starting to get the impression this kissing style is hardwired into her. If that is the case, I don’t see any choice other than to part ways. It’s just not sustainable (to me, anyway) to not want to kiss or have sex with the person I’m seeing. Any advice for me to try to salvage this before I kiss her goodbye? —Death to Smooching

Dear Smooching,

Your friend might benefit from some help and persistence. I know of another similar case involving a college student who thought kissing meant pushing his teeth very hard into his date’s teeth. Needless to say, this was uncomfortable to his partners, and so he soon had no partners—which was a shame because, like your friend, he has many things going for him.

He was inexperienced and trying to seem otherwise; he needed lessons in kissing and some patience, but even more than that, he needed to learn how to choose the right partner. He was dating the kind of person he thought he was supposed to like instead of someone he found truly attractive. This took some time to work out, as he had to let go of his assumptions and find out what came naturally to him instead of playing the part he thought he was supposed to play.

Your date’s kissing style, as you describe it, seems uniquely hers, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what comes naturally to her. Like the college student, she may be playing a part and over-acting to make up for certain feelings, perhaps including inadequacy. Without knowing her, however, that’s purely speculation. On the other hand, she may feel her kisses are genuinely sexy—and perhaps to some people they might be, but they are clearly not sexy to you. In fact, they turn you off.

Like sex, kissing needs to deliver mutual enjoyment. Focusing on pleasing your partner while being pleased yourself can be uniquely satisfying. Clearly, your friend is not focusing on your desire. Do you focus on hers? Are you able to? It sounds more like you are trying to endure her kisses since they are not pleasurable to you. Even though you’ve told her, she doesn’t seem able to understand what you’re saying, or if she does, the information simply isn’t sticking. Perhaps there is anxiety around this issue on the part of both of you at this point, but it’s hard to say without getting her perspective.

Let her know you’re coming from a place of concern and wanting to make a good thing (the relationship aside from kissing/sex) better. Let her know that what is happening is preventing you from enjoying her kisses—and you so want to enjoy her kisses!

It sounds like your relationship is in its infancy, so I’m not sure how invested you feel in it, but you describe this woman as having a lot of desirable qualities you might not want to give up. Maybe it’s worth considering going to see a couples therapist or a sex therapist together. It sounds like it couldn’t hurt. If you’re thinking about ending things with her, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose by seeking help.

In the meantime, tell her what you like and don’t like—again. Continue to be gentle, but be honest and clear. Let her know you’re coming from a place of concern and wanting to make a good thing (the relationship aside from kissing/sex) better. Let her know that what is happening is preventing you from enjoying her kisses—and you so want to enjoy her kisses!

Also, ask her explicitly what, specifically, she finds pleasurable. It’s a two-way street, and if this kissing style has worked for her in the past, it’s possible your approach feels foreign to her. I’m wondering if you might both benefit from taking things more slowly. That means feeling your way through kissing, one movement and reaction at a time. If one or both of you is anxious, stop, relax, and wait until you’re ready to begin again. Starting, holding back, starting again, and releasing after a time—that’s sexy. Perhaps some wine, music, and/or low lights to help set the mood?

A kiss is still a kiss, as they say, but your friend needs to work on her style if she’d like more of yours. If you want to sustain or, better yet, improve your relationship, keep doing what you can to help her.

Kind regards,

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, NCPsyA, C-IAYT

Our vehicle side-view mirrors warn us “objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear,” and I’ve found a similar distortion tends to occur in dating. Often in a new relationship, we fail to see or truly recognize the red flags as we are cruising headfirst into new, exciting territory. But after we veer off the projected path or ultimately crash, in hindsight the red flags are huge, obvious, and quite unmistakable.

A good friend of mine recently began dating a guy who seemed great, at least on paper. He was attractive, funny, open, communicative, and seemed eager to spend time together. He talked about long-term goals, being ready for commitment, and acted legitimately interested in her and in seeing where the relationship was headed. But very quickly, the conversations began to involve a lot of drama, and his lack of confidence, personal confusion, and jealous tendencies came out as he projected his personal baggage and insecurities onto her. The relationship ended in a pile of hurtful words and unfair accusations, and left my friend bewildered at how things had changed so quickly and how a seemingly great guy could turn out to be such a train wreck. But as we talked through everything that happened, she began to point to various incidents, saying, “Maybe I should have seen that as a red flag.”

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When we are excited about the prospect of a new relationship and are getting to know a potential new partner, it’s easy to overlook the little “red flags” or fail to acknowledge things that may be cause for concern. We want to give the person the benefit of the doubt and may overlook or excuse questionable comments, behaviors, and actions. It’s all too easy to frame jealous questions, controlling actions, or pressure to move too quickly as signs the person is really into us or feels a deep connection. Yet putting on blinders to these potentially telling negative signs can ultimately set us up for more confusion, hurt, and heartbreak.

When I’m working with people in therapy who experience bumps along the road of a new relationship, I often ask if they’ve heard of or read the book He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. Many people respond, “I’ve seen the movie,” so let me just clarify here the movie doesn’t do justice to the insight the book has to offer. While the title may turn some people off (the ones who ignore the red flags because they really want the other person to be interested), it’s a great and humorous read for anyone navigating the world of dating. It’s been nearly a decade since I read the book, but I still remember and find myself referencing some of its valuable and timeless wisdom.

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In particular, I remember a page with a picture of a flag. It reads something like, “Get out a red crayon. Color in the flag. There’s your big red flag.” At the time, this made me chuckle. But over the years, after hearing countless stories in which people turned a blind eye to what I, an objective observer, was able to see as glaring red flags, I find this advice more then just a silly cliché—and actually incredibly wise. On the journey of dating, we need to stop and actively acknowledge the red flags, then pause long enough to determine whether a detour is in order.

We tend to minimize, dismiss, or forget the negatives amid the excitement, lust, and yearning for love that may be present in a new relationship.

What’s particularly interesting is how there may be a gazillion little red flags, yet we may fail to see the bigger picture in terms of how these warnings add up to indicate signs of an unstable or dishonest person, or provide clues that predict a potentially unhealthy and rocky relationship. We tend to minimize, dismiss, or forget the negatives amid the excitement, lust, and yearning for love that may be present in a new relationship.

I now advise the people I work with in therapy to take a piece of paper and fill it with not just one but many small red flags in rows and columns on the page. Anytime something happens in a new relationship that seems off or makes them feel uneasy or uncomfortable, they are to jot it down in one of the red flags. Over time, they develop an unavoidably clear visual of any negatives and can more accurately judge how cautious they should be in investing in the person and pursuing an ongoing relationship.

The concrete visual can help a person be more impartial. A few random red flags may be excusable. We all make mistakes. We all have bad moments, dating anxiety that may get the best of us, or insecurities that need to be worked through. But a lot of red flags that demonstrate a pattern of unfavorable traits, dishonest actions, or unhealthy dynamics should not be ignored. If you keep track and begin noting multiple red flags, stop and ask yourself if you are willing to compromise your relationship goals or sacrifice your well-being for this person of interest.

Cautiously considering red flags can help you make better, more balanced decisions. On the other hand, by overlooking important red flags, you may mistakenly idealize an undeserving person, prolong the struggles the relationship may bring, risk having your self-esteem negatively impacted, and delay the ability to move on and find a healthier, more desirable companion. It’s hard to be patient and insightful when you’re navigating a new relationship, but staying alert to the warnings that may arise can help you arrive at the destination that’s in your best interests.

Reference:

Behrendt, G., & Tuccillo, L. (2004). He’s Just Not That Into You. New York, NY: Gallery Books.