Most people who have attended high school can recall a friend or classmate who, once they started to date someone, would be MIA for months at a time only to return when things didn’t work out.  This is not an uncommon, but certainly a short-sighted phenomenon and it unfortunately does not end in adulthood.  The idea is based upon the idea that we are isolated creatures that exist in a vacuum unaffected by any other relationships or expectations.  If the goal in dating is to find a lifelong partner that can integrate into all aspects of life,  the sooner you can be introduced to each other’s “worlds”, the better. 

The “world” of you

Let’s start with your world first and what you have to offer.  In order to value anything you have to have something to give up.  I recall several friends when I was younger who would say, “my life was miserable until I met my boyfriend/girlfriend.”  At first, this may seem like a compliment toward the significant other.  However, the implication is simply that they are at least a minor improvement over boredom and a distraction from pursuing any other source of worth.  This can easily slip into the emotional abuse of threatening to hurt oneself if that person were ever to leave.  Having healthy friends, family, and interests gives your significant other insights both into how to better love you, but also the skills by which you will treat them.    It is easy to win over a single person, it is challenging and infinitely more rewarding, to be able to foster relationships with many people at different levels.  When two people marry, they do not just marry the person, they are also now choosing to be affected by the familial subculture within which their spouse was raised. 

The “world” of your partner

Now let’s consider the “world” of your partner.  Contrary to how an innocent young person might consider marriage, your spouse does not come out of the ether with no personal connections and just integrates completely into your family.  It is not that you will find someone and they will forgo their past and attend all holidays and events with your family without any desire for you to attend to the relationships and interests that they have accrued.  How your significant other treats their friends and family as well as yours is a much stronger indication of long-term success than how they treat you.  Eventually, the honeymoon period wears off and they will revert to their default behaviors.  This is a compliment that they can be more authentic with you, but also a concern if their treatment of others is unattractive.  The humbling reality is that you are an extension not an exception to their general behavior.  Someday you will find yourself at the receiving end of disappointing your partner and it does not need to be a shock if you have seen how they treat others when upset along the way.   

Dating each other’s “world”

The concept of dating each other’s world has become more and more relevant as we have entered into the digital age.  It is becoming increasingly normal to meet through dating apps and other online forums.  Many people cultivate intimate conversations and trust long before meeting in person, let alone any of their friends and family.  To be fair, the internet is simply another tool for people to be exposed to potential companions.  However, it can become a crutch that hinders rather than accelerates a need for in-person interaction and exposure to the reality in which both live.  It is one thing to be told about the perspectives of their relationship and their personality, but that is neither the whole picture nor a first-person account of how you see their behavior toward others.  On some level, everyone perceives themselves to be the only sane person to get out of their family.    

Dating each other’s world is about truly trusting each other with the full scope of what it means to integrate a life together.  The input of good, well-established friends and family is essential if you are wanting to trust your choice and it is a good proving group to see if your significant other cares about you and your values and not just what they can get from you.  If something is meant to be permanent, it helps to build on a solid foundation and continue to scaffold it with proper support.  If a person is unwilling to have you meet their people, it boils down to one of two reasons, either they do not have healthy relationships, either by narcissistic choice or unfortunate and understandable mistreatment, or they do not see you as a long-term partner.  Either explanation leads to a similar encouragement to build other relationships outside of the romantic and see how that is reacted to.  When my wife and I were engaged to be wed, she not being from the area and her family living across the country, our first task as a couple was to help her make friends.  This both served to give her a sense of community and purpose when I was not with her and others to either challenge or confirm things that I was doing or saying to her.  Fostering her world and integrating her with my world became the fertile ground within which we have built our world together.   

“Unwrapping presents of the past” 

How dealing with your unresolved issues can help you with your dating life  and the  comparison Invited by social media   

When my grandmother was growing up, she didn’t know  (unless she asked) what her next-door neighbor had for breakfast, or where the next-door neighbor went for vacation. Her life was simple and, therefore, in some ways less stressful. Back in the day, my grandmother would compare herself with those around her, people she actually knew and saw on a daily basis. In today’s world, we can compare ourselves to a variety of people from all over the world, this can be an extremely overwhelming experience. In the era of “ reels” and “ Tik-Tok” videos, it has become almost impossible to differentiate between what is a display of a real moment versus a pre-planned  “ content creation”  moment.   

Technology has made our lives easier in many aspects. We are able to order food and clothing online without having to stand in line. We are able to quickly obtain information about a variety of topics. Social media has allowed us to connect with millions of people from all over the world.  As a result, we are living more complex and perhaps culturally attuned lives. However, social media has also invited comparison and envy into our daily lives. The magnitude of comparison has greatly increased and impacted some of our expectations regarding romantic relationships. 

Depending on the season, we can find content on social media that can increase our anxiety and sense of dissatisfaction in regard to our relationship status.  Valentine’s
Day, and engagement photos are often the most emotionally charged posts to digest for many of us. Couples often only post their happiest moments and rarely show what goes on “behind the scenes.  

 The fantasy of “finding the one” continues to be a struggle for many folks. Dating websites have created a space in which many individuals including young professionals can connect and attempt to find “love.” Yet, so many continue to struggle with finding the “right” person.  So many individuals are even ditching dating applications. I often wonder how much of the difficulty with finding the “ right” partner is truly about a lack of a decent dating pool.  Could it be that the real struggle of finding the “right” partner is about our own confusion around what we are truly looking for?  

Throughout the years of being a clinician, I have found that the following questions can serve as a guide, assisting folks with the process of dating.   

1. What are my intentions for wanting to date at this time?  

Being honest with yourself can save you a great amount of time and energy. Most importantly, being honest with yourself can provide you with more clarity and may decrease your anxiety.   Our motives for dating change with our life experiences and are sometimes even impacted by our age. Before going on a date, or even starting to look for a potential partner, ask yourself what are my intentions? Am I wanting to date for the sake of dating? Am I being pressured by societal and cultural norms? Do I feel that I am being pressured by friends and family?  Am I scrolling up and down on social media with comparison sitting on my shoulders and feeling as though “I am behind?”  Ask yourself what does it mean to be “ behind in life ?” Have you placed yourself on some sort of timeline?  What are your short-term and long-term goals?  How will finding a partner at this particular time impact your life?   

TIP: Creating a pros and cons list is an extremely simple and helpful tool. List all the pros and cons of being single and being in a relationship.    

2. What does love mean to me?  

There is a big difference between love and lack of emotional responsibility. In other words, love will not provide you with a “get out of jail free card.”   Even if you marry someone, or spend a great amount of time with them, you will still have to face life on life’s terms. Your partner will be there to hold your hand, but at the end of the day, you have to face your own challenges.  Searching for love is different than searching for a hero. If you think about it, a hero saves those who are helpless. Why would you want to appear to be helpless? What is so attractive about being helpless? Isn’t love about two equals becoming partners?  

TIP: One helpful tool is thinking about the meaning of love in your family or origin. What did it mean to love someone? 

3. Am I ready to be truly intimate with someone? 

The real question is, are you ready to be intimate with yourself? Intimacy goes beyond getting naked and having sex.  Intimacy is the ability to be yourself. We all have areas in our lives that need improvement. The goal is to be willing to tolerate uncomfortable feelings and learn to accept yourself for who you are. No one is perfect, and you need to remind yourself of that. If you accept yourself fully, you will be able to present yourself more authentically to others and your romantic partner. If you hide from yourself, you will attract a different group of people and romantic partners.  

TIP: One helpful tool is creating a list of your personal favorite qualities. Create a separate list of qualities that you would like to improve. Gaining insight about yourself may decrease anxiety and provide you with more clarity as to what you are looking for in a partner. 

4. What are my “personal gifts from the past” that are occupying my suitcase? 

Think of a suitcase that is filled up with all your past experiences and is continuing to be filled up with new experiences. We all have these suitcases, some of us have a few and others have more. I like to refer to “unresolved issues of the past” as “gifts from the past.” Each gift represents what you need to focus on next, in order to grow and heal emotionally.  Often, our gifts from the past have a common theme and are triggered by an interaction or even a thought. Our job is to start identifying our feelings and thoughts and becoming aware of our reactions. If our reaction to a situation is out of proportion, it may be a sign that a gift from the past is being triggered. Our job is to be kind and gentle with ourselves as we start to unwrap our gifts from the past. Being aware of your gifts from the past can help you maintain your relationships with others, especially your romantic relationships. By increasing your insight through self-reflection, you can become emotionally responsible in your relationships. A healthy partner will support you as you navigate your way through your suitcase, but they will not unwrap your gifts for you.  

TIP: One helpful tool for self-reflection is obtaining a daily journal. Journaling will allow you to turn inwards and get in touch with your raw and unfiltered feelings.  

5. What are my partner’s “gifts from the past”?  

We all have a past and the past impacts us. Some people are very insightful about their “gifts from the past” and are able to take responsibility for their emotions. These individuals are often aware of how their “unresolved” issues impact them today. They will want your support, but they will not assign you to “police them.” Your support will be appreciated, but the “heavy lifting” will be done mainly by your partner. On the other hand, there are individuals who are not aware of their “unresolved issues.” These individuals may not be willing to accept emotional responsibility and either not want to work on issues of their past, or they may want YOU to work through their issues for them. I would imagine that dating a person who lacks insight pertaining to their past or is not interested in improving themselves, may be challenging. The bottom line is that everyone has a suitcase from the past.  You may want to ask yourself if you will be OK with the “gifts” of your partner’s past? What are your deal breakers and what are you willing to HELP unwrap?  

 TIP: One helpful tip may be asking your partner how you can support them while they unwrap their presents.  

One of life’s greatest joys can be connecting to another soul in what may sometimes feel like a lonely world. A good relationship can be a landing on which to fall when the inevitable pains of life strike; a safe harbor to point us home when we feel lost; a standing Saturday night date. So, what happens when the one you’ve always relied on to soothe your pain in times of hardship is the source of that very pain? When the agony of a broken heart feels like the stabbing of a thousand knives, how do we even begin the healing process?

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Losing a loved one through a separation such as a breakup or divorce can feel as devastating as losing someone through death. Below are some of the stages of grief and some steps to get through it. Although knowing what you will experience will not take the pain away, it may remind you that you are not alone. Whatever you are feeling, others have likely felt it before. Just as those before you made it through, you can come out on the other side of pain.

Stages of Grief

1. Denial

In times of mourning or loss, we tend to idealize people or situations. In the case of a breakup, we may find ourselves remembering only the good times, while conveniently forgetting why things didn’t work out. Remembering the good is healthy, so long as we “keep it real” and see things as they really were—the good and the not-so-good.

2. Angst

The emotion referred to here is a universal stage of intense sadness that most of us will experience at least once in our lifetimes. It is separate from clinical depression, which may require professional help. Barring a clinical diagnosis, when it comes to healing the pain of a broken heart, time is our strongest ally.

3. Anger

Depending on the circumstances of a breakup, we may feel anger toward the partner we perceive has hurt us. We may indulge in feelings of self-righteousness and fantasize of retribution. That is, until we remember “it takes two to tango.”

Barring cases of abuse, in most relationships, both parties play a role. So, if we look closely enough, we may find the anger we are directing outward is really anger we hold toward ourselves. “How dare they do this to me” turns into “How could I have allowed this to happen?” In either case, blame is rarely the answer.

Steps Toward Healing

1. Find forgiveness and meaning.

Forgiveness is often an essential part of the healing process, whether it is for yourself or the partner who may have “wronged” you. Everything ends, including life. Some people spend their lives never having found love.

If you have had love walk into your life at least once, some people would consider you lucky. Of course, if you’re still reeling from the pain of a broken heart, you may feel anything but lucky. However, once the wounds heal and the pain begins to dissipate, you may feel differently.

2. Be your own safe harbor.

As I mentioned above, life is impermanent. So are relationships. Whether through death or a breakup, every relationship will eventually end. Knowing and accepting this harshest of realities—as impossible as it may seem—could serve you well.

Relationships are essential to our well-being. This includes the relationship we have with ourselves. For the rest of your life, the only one who is guaranteed to be there is yourself. Ultimately, learning to be your own safe harbor can help your healing process.

3. Allow yourself to feel.

One of the many injustices of being human is often we can’t heal without pain. Sometimes to get to the good stuff, we have to endure the bad. As children, if we had a splinter, the idea of someone sticking a tweezer under our skin to get it out didn’t sound so appealing. But to avoid the chance of an infection, we had to endure the temporary sting. The same principle can be applied to psychological pain.

Do what you need to do, but be sure to feel. It may hurt like hell. Do it anyway.

If you need a box of chocolate, or a night of mindless Netflix binging, you can allow yourself that. This is not to encourage self-destructive behavior. Instead, it is a brief reprieve, a moment of indulgence we all deserve every now and then.

But at some point, allow yourself to feel. You can come home, collapse onto the cold kitchen floor, and bawl your eyes out to the point of exhaustion if that helps. Do what you need to do, but be sure to feel. It may hurt like hell. Do it anyway.

4. Get back up again.

Once you do this, you can pull yourself off that cold kitchen floor. Even if it takes a week or a month, eventually you will be able to get back up and remember your greatness. Not the greatness of ego or arrogance, but the greatness in all of us. Even if you’re unable to see it at times—much like the sun on a foggy day—it doesn’t mean the greatness is not there. It will still be there when you are ready to stand back up and live your life to the fullest. You don’t have to let the fear of pain stop you. Suffering is a part of life, but in the end, it can make you stronger.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Hallelujah! I just retired at age 63 after four decades in the loan industry. I can’t wait to see what retirement holds for me.

After my husband died in 2004, I wrapped myself up in my work and put romance and sex on a very dusty shelf. I went on one date in 2011 with a man five years older than me, but I wasn’t ready and I really didn’t feel a spark with him anyway. Now that I am retired, I am thinking about filling my time with someone (or maybe multiple someones!) new again. I feel ready this time. But I also feel sure about something else: At this stage of my life, I find myself much more attracted to younger men than older men or even men my own age. When I say younger, I mean 20 or 30 years younger. Something about that feels wrong, but I think that’s more because of society’s expectations than mine.

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I signed up for my first dating website yesterday and lo and behold I already have a whopping 18 messages! I was surprised that most of them are from younger men—one is a college sophomore! I am blushing but also smiling and laughing, if I am being honest. Apparently there is no shortage of younger men out there who are looking for “older” women like me. Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised by that, but I am. Pleasantly so.

I know there may be potential complications with dating outside my generation. We may not have a lot in common and there may be gaps in maturity, wisdom, and life experience. I’ll probably get funny looks. I might shoot some funny looks back, though. Is it so wrong for me to want to date younger men? Could be fun. Ha! —Young at Heart

Dear Young at Heart,

You go, girl! Thanks for your spirited question, though I’m close to positive you already know the answer. Why in the world would it be wrong? First of all, you seem comfortable with it. Sixty-three leaves a lot of life to be experienced—having turned 50, I hold fast to that statement. To each her (or his) own. Love is not only blind, it often has a sense of irony.

Where is it written only men may seek out younger companions? I can only imagine by the tenor of your note that you are flattered by the attention, and why not? You experienced the loss of your husband (belated condolences) and have worked hard in your career. Why not have a little fun now that you have time on your hands?

You mention some potential pitfalls. There are always pitfalls in any situation. Also, it is hard to generalize about differences in regard to generations, maturity, and so forth, since we are all so unique. Some of us are “beyond our years,” others not so much. There is no such thing as being “mature” or not; usually there is maturity in some areas but not in others. (Maturity here is not to be confused with being stoic or emotionally reserved.) We may be patient and sage in the office, but frantic or angry behind the wheel, and so on.

Of course, there are stages of life that a younger guy might not be able to understand personally—such as retirement—but perhaps he’s a good listener and willing to learn about your experience, and isn’t that something you’d want from any partner?

As a therapist and psychoanalyst, I can’t help but be curious about what draws you to younger men. The most common reason for this, which may or may not apply to you personally, is the theme of youthfulness or vitality.

I think the key here is “having fun.” Life is heavy enough; why not keep things light and get to know some of these guys in person? You may know this, but there’s no substitute for in-person interaction, and it’s easy to build up our fantasy of another person before meeting them. This may also be old news, but I’d encourage you to try to keep it short and sweet the first time. Maybe coffee or a drink in a safe, public venue. An hour tops, which gives you an “out” if it’s not a match. Finally, I find that having a disagreement or two during the first few dates isn’t necessarily a bad thing since it shows how the two of you resolve conflict— key to any relationship, short- or long-term. Nothing is less fun than rigidity. Thus endeth my advice.

Additionally, and in the spirit of keeping things light, please take what I’m about to say with a grain of salt. As a therapist and psychoanalyst, I can’t help but be curious about what draws you to younger men. The most common reason for this, which may or may not apply to you personally, is the theme of youthfulness or vitality. Older men often seek younger women because of a fear of their own mortality, which aging makes impossible to ignore and which many folks experience as a traumatic loss. For many men, a loss of virility or stamina or peak physicality (and impending retirement) can create massive insecurity. Women for whom appearance is important are often distressed by aging, and many of the women I work with in therapy report that age brings a kind of reckoning of one’s life’s choices, both the positive as well as opportunities lost or shrinking.

I would be curious about what this interest in a younger guy means to you, which does not at all mean you shouldn’t pursue it. Quite the contrary; being clearer about what appeals to you (and what doesn’t) makes the dating process easier, since you know what attracts you and what might qualify as deal-breakers (which may or may not include dishonesty, lack of empathy, and so forth). One of the nice things about getting older, I find, is we can be more direct with ourselves and others about what we like or don’t like, in and out of the bedroom. It’s advisable to be up front about what you are or aren’t looking for with whomever you date, even if you’re not sure yet. Clarity on the front end tends to circumvent misunderstandings or hurt feelings, even if you’re uncertain about where things are going with someone.

Finally, the “father” side of me wants to say be cautious about who you let into your life, meaning access to intimate details of health, family, finances, and so on. This is not to imply you’re likely to meet a scam artist (though they do exist), but it takes time to get to know a person, and people reveal themselves through their actions and behavior over time. Most of us try to be on our best behavior in the beginning and let the rough edges slowly emerge. It can be intoxicating to meet a special someone and feel like you want to give all of yourself right away, but trust is precious indeed and needs to be earned little by little. There is a balance between caution and openness, which everyone finds for themselves. Indulge and have fun, take a weekend away to a new romantic place, take dancing lessons, try a new cuisine or neighborhood you’ve never visited, go to a rock concert (you’re never too old), be adventurous … just remember in the back of your mind it takes time to get to know someone—the good, the bad, and the in-between.

Having said all that, I wish you all the romantic fun in the world, with some well-earned enjoyment—as well as good wishes for the new year. If you would like support in navigating this journey into unfamiliar territory, therapists are here for you. Thanks again for your question!

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT

Frustrations and disappointments are all too common for those who engage in modern dating. Mutual interest and attraction alone can be difficult to find, especially as online dating becomes more of a norm. Sometimes there might not even be an opportunity to really determine whether or not there is a mutual interest.

Given the amount of frustration and pain that can result from the dating experience, it may make sense to consider what we can do to make the experience less painful all around.

Of course, it isn’t possible to control or change other people. What we can do is to save ourselves the pain of a guilty conscience while simultaneously saving others from the pain of being treated poorly.

Consider some of the following common dating behaviors—and more ethical alternatives that honor the universal golden rule: the idea of treating others with the kindness and respect we wish to be treated with.

Ghosting

One common experience in the dating arena is blowing someone off, or “ghosting,” as it is sometimes called. It’s true that the experience of looking at numerous dating profiles and talking to potential dates can be overwhelming, and responding to every interested suitor is often not feasible. [fat_widget_right]

Choosing not to respond to a communication from someone you are not interested is not unethical behavior, but if you have engaged in some sort of substantive communication with someone, perhaps even met them for a date, ghosting that person after they have invested time and emotional energy into getting to know you can amount to treating that person poorly. (This does not include instances where a person harassed or threatened you, disrespected your boundaries, or made you feel otherwise unsafe.)

Ghosting behavior can communicate the message, “Your feelings mean nothing to me.” If you find you are not interested in continuing the process of getting to know someone after there has been substantial conversation or an initial date, a better way to handle the situation might be sending a simple message letting them know you have lost interest. You might also choose to include a brief and tactful explanation as to why, if appropriate.

For example, if after a first date you realize you aren’t interested, you might send a message saying, “Thank you for taking the time to meet me. I am sorry to tell you I just wasn’t feeling the chemistry. I wish you luck!” This message will take little time and gives you the satisfaction of knowing you’re not leaving a loose end. Further, you are saving the other person from the potential emotional pain of being in the dark about where you stand or why you lost interest.

Benching

Another dating practice that can potentially cause pain, sometimes referred to as “benching,” involves sending mixed messages that can effectively lead a person on by not letting them know where you really stand or your true goals with regard to dating.

If you realize after meeting someone that you are not sufficiently into them to invest in an exclusive relationship, the best course of action is to be clear and honest about this. If you let the other person think you are still interested in the same type of relationship they are, you are not acting with integrity. Toying with a person’s feelings and sending mixed messages can simply be different versions of the same behavior: In short, you are not being clear and honest about your true intentions.

If you realize after meeting someone that you are not sufficiently into them to invest in an exclusive relationship, the best course of action is to be clear and honest about this. If you let the other person think you are still interested in the same type of relationship they are, you are not acting with integrity.

As an alternative, why not simply be honest? If you aren’t ready for or interested in anything more than a casual relationship (for example, you would like to have sex with the other person), tell them so and let them make an informed choice about the matter. They could very well feel the same way, and a mutually beneficial “friends with benefits” type of relationship could ensue. It could also be that a purely sexual relationship, or “fling,” is the last thing the other person wants. By being honest about your intentions, you avoid burdening your own conscience, but more importantly, you can avoid inflicting others with undue pain by giving them all the information and letting them make their own choice.

Exploitation

Another unethical behavior may be more difficult to spot or even recognize in yourself. What I’m referring to is the exploitation of another person’s interest.

Consider, for example, this situation: You have been honest with a person you have been seeing about your lukewarm interest, expressed the absence of romantic feelings on your part, and conveyed that your interest is perhaps only in a physical, non-exclusive relationship. The other person has agreed to these terms.

On the surface, this scenario might seem just fine. After all, you were honest about your feelings, and the other person agreed to the level of involvement. And it might, in fact, be fine. But it can become unethical if, say, the other person is harboring secret hopes that you’ll “come around” to the idea of a relationship and/or that their feelings for you will eventually “catch” and be reciprocated, and you realize this but let things continue as they have been.

If it becomes clear the other person has feelings for you and may be going along with your proposition and the level of involvement you have expressed being interested in, hoping you might change your mind and want an actual relationship, the best thing to do may be to end the involvement. Continuing it could not only lead to an exploitation of the other’s unwillingness to end something that isn’t quite what they are looking for, but also consider that by being less than honest about what they truly want and/or their relationship needs, the other person is not respecting your needs.

At this point, the best action may be to simply let the other person know something just doesn’t feel right and end the relationship.

In Summary

Some may find it easy to attribute certain dating practices to individuals on basis of gender, but generally speaking, I do not believe any gender in particular is more or less at fault when it comes to to dating behaviors that may be inconsiderate or unkind. We can all work to treat other people with greater kindness and respect. The dating experience tends to contain enough pain and frustration on its own without the additional layer of pain we can add by treating others carelessly, whatever our intentions. Those who are dating may find it helpful to keep the golden rule in mind. Consider how you would feel if someone ghosted you.

If you find you sometimes engage in behaviors you are not proud of, behaviors that don’t line up with your values, you can work to address these by finding a skilled psychotherapist who can empathize with you for the ways you may have been treated poorly while also helping you understand and resolve the underlying drivers of your own behaviors.

References:

1. Hogi, F. (2016, August 15). Ghosting, benching, and zombieing – A modern dater’s guide. Huffington Post. Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/francesca-hogi/ghosting-benching-and-zom_b_11458718.html
2. McNamara, B. (2016, June 9). “Benching” is the cruel new dating trend that’s even worse than ghosting. Teen Vogue. Retrieved from https://www.teenvogue.com/story/benching-dating-trend-ghosting
3. Young, S. (2016, December 20). Ghosting, benching, and DTR: What these 13 popular dating terms really mean. Independent. Retrieved from http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/dating-relationship-terms-terms-what-they-mean-game-ghosting-benching-dtr-fbo-thirst-trap-a7486511.html