We all reach a point in our lives where our decisions inevitably create profound changes in our hearts, our minds, and our world. In many cases, fear can be the charging force pushing the direction of our thoughts, dictating our movements. Sometimes our fears are hidden. Sometimes we are simply not ready to confront them.

But eventually, we all come to a crossroads where we need to make life-changing decisions, regardless of our fears. At this point, the direction of our movement must encompass confronting our hidden fears and the other feelings that play a powerful role in our decision-making.

Fear of the unknown can shake our resolve in moving forward as we begin to face the heart-pounding moments that inform our actions.

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Our decisions are unconsciously influenced by our experiences during childhood, adolescence, and adult life. We grow up in survival mode, learning to protect ourselves from the verbal, physical, and emotional onslaught of our parents, siblings, teachers, schoolyard bullies, and others.

These learned survival traits compound and confuse our thinking of who we are and the direction of our lives. They affect our daily actions, at times giving us distressing results in our confrontations, causing us to begin asking more contemplative questions at new crossroads: How do I decide what to do? What is my problem? Where do I look for helpful information? Why is it so important to know about my past? Who can help me with my decisions? When should I begin the search? Such thoughts radiate through our decision-making both internally and outwardly.

As we walk through life, we carry our failures, losses, hurts, and other issues experienced while growing up with family or alone. We ask ourselves, “Am I any good? Am I worthwhile? Am I broken?”

Whether we are sitting in our car at a crossroad to an unknown destination or at a crossroad in our mind confronting a fear resulting from an experience, can we determine who we are and what we are all about? What does all of this mean for us?

It means courage. As we walk through life, we carry our failures, losses, hurts, and other issues experienced while growing up with family or alone. We ask ourselves, “Am I any good? Am I worthwhile? Am I broken?”

These are scary and real questions that may present themselves at a crossroad. How do we explore thoughts and confront fears resulting from our actions, or the actions of others that have affected our lives?

Here are four simplified steps that can help:

1. One needs to explore the ways we protect ourselves unconsciously from the anxiety of recognizing singular or multiple traumatic events that have shaped our decision-making. We do this to defend against a fear or other troubling emotion which becomes the catalyst for our actions.
2. In my therapeutic experience, when looking at unconscious fears that interfere with our decision-making, it’s advisable to attempt to understand one issue at a time. Otherwise, we may experience frustration, aggravation, and other emotions, resulting in nothing being done at all.
3. Once the issue is brought into the light, exploration of our feelings can be utilized using “who,” “what,” “where,” “when,” and “why” to try to understand how our unconscious manipulates our thoughts and emotions. Recognizing our basic emotions and understanding them is just as important as being able to accept the defenses we utilize in protecting our fears. We often experience interacting emotions, producing thoughts that may result in anxiety, anger, apathy, despair, doubt, and indecision. We direct ourselves to play out emotional entanglements by interjecting ourselves into circumstances we have unconsciously designed. The emotions and fears we deal with unconsciously affect the decisions we make as we travel forward into the crossroads of our lives.
4. Once we understand our feelings and survival techniques, goals can be visualized, empowering us to resolve the fears that have impeded our decisions. In turn, we are able to move forward. The many crossroads encountered in life can help us strengthen our belief about ourselves.

The most recent crossroad I have confronted was related to heart surgery. It was determined on the operating table that the surgery could not be performed because my heart was covered by plaque, closing my aortic valve by more than two-thirds. If surgery continued, a stroke most likely would have occurred since the procedure for this type of surgery was so recently developed.

Afterward, I was informed there are surgeons currently in training to perform this next level of operation. So I wrestled with two decisions: Wait for the training to finish and risk having the surgery, or do nothing and let go.

This life decision was not easy, as it affected not just myself but my family. In the end, I elected to let go of the surgery. In coming to terms with this decision, I have become more comfortable with managing this arduous crossroad.

The life-changing decisions and crossroads we experience are different for all of us. Trying to use complicated methods to explore our issues can result in the opposite of the desired goal. A simplified approach to understanding who and what we are about may have a greater positive influence on the changes in our life and the decisions we make.

“We all make choices, but in the end our choices make us.” —Ken Levine

Many parents of young children and teens think the fewer choices they give their children, the better. They feel they should decide what’s best for their kids and not confuse them with too many options. I took a different approach when my children were growing up: I would routinely let them choose between different foods, activities, and chores. Through experience, they learned some of their choices would turn out well, others not as well. Today, as adults, they are both quite capable of making choices and dealing with the consequences.

Understanding at the outset that not every choice will yield the desired outcome can help inform one’s expectations, including the possibility of these less desirable outcomes. Skillfully managing any unintended consequences is part of the process of decision-making.

How Do We Learn to Make Good Decisions?

Making a good decision requires us to know ourselves. We need to know the things we can live with, the things we cannot compromise on, and the things we can tolerate or get used to. [fat_widget_right]

Sometimes facts can help us make decisions, and exploring the data available to us may be the easiest place to start. Who hasn’t made a list of pros and cons when trying to decide something? Of course, as appealing as such a list might seem, I find that it almost never leads to a good choice because the weight of each item on both sides depends on both obvious and subtle outcomes that might or might not happen and are ultimately almost impossible to compare. Still, it can be a helpful exercise, as it lays out some points to consider.

Data and facts may be helpful in some cases, but all the data in the world can’t compete with the unconscious drives and preferences that often determine how happy we will be with any given choice. We might prefer to focus on factual information when it comes to choosing which mutual fund to invest in, for example, but perhaps not when it comes to choosing a mate, career, place to live, or even what to have for dinner.

If these drives are unconscious, we might wonder what hope we have of unearthing them, but I say we have plenty of hope. We can look at past decisions and their consequences to see how making those choices felt and how they’ve sat with us over time. We might enlist the help of someone who knows us well—a close friend, relative, or therapist—to tease out some personal themes or preferences we might have overlooked.

Keep in mind: If you ask a number of people for help and they all say something similar, you can be pretty sure there’s some useful information there. Conversely, if they all say something different, you may want to consider their counsel carefully before taking any one person’s advice.

It’s often not enough to just rely on intellect. Our hearts and guts have their own ways of knowing things, and they deserve some say in the process, too. Trusting our intuition, or gut, even when all the information tries to lure us to the other side is an acquired skill that can take decades to assimilate. Learn to be patient with yourself as you navigate life from one choice to the next and gain a deeper confidence in your gut feelings.

Another helpful strategy in the process of decision-making is looking back on the past. Which actions brought us joy? Which left us sad, lonely, or unfulfilled? As we look back, we may notice some themes emerging. This is where keeping a journal, especially a joy journal, can be very helpful. We can look back and notice which things consistently brought us joy. There will be patterns. Perhaps the best times were with family, or alone, or playing tennis. By determining those things that historically gave us the most pleasure, we may be able to better assess what might also lead to our happiness in the future. Resist the urge to make a decision based on what looks good, right, sensible, or mature. When it comes to the biggest decisions in life—education, a partner, where to live, finances, health, family, and so on, the trick is not trying to make the right decision. There is no right decision. 

One of my favorite decision-making techniques is to ask myself, If I do or don’t do X, Y, or Z, how might I feel five, 10, or 20 years from now? Once again, the answer may come as a gut feeling, not a list of all the great reasons in favor of one particular choice. Trusting your gut takes guts. It means you trust that ineffable combo platter of heart, head, and experiences often coded in bodily feelings. This is not nearly as strange as it sounds. Candace Pert, author of Molecules of Emotion, found receptor sites on every cell of the body for information from the limbic system in the brain (where your emotions are generated).

It is helpful to remember we have all sorts of different parts. One part may want one thing, another part may want another, and so on. Giving voice to these different parts, especially if they are polarized and have opposite desires, can be incredibly helpful as we attempt to make decisions. You can learn about parts work, or Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems theory, through YouTube videos or books, such as Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems Therapy or Jay Earley’s Self-Therapy.

It is also possible to explore one’s less conscious parts though journaling, dream analysis, art therapy, or Emotional Freedom Technique (also called tapping). [amazon_affiliate]

Any Decision Can Be the Right Decision

Resist the urge to make a decision based on what looks good, right, sensible, or mature. When it comes to the biggest decisions in life—education, a partner, where to live, finances, health, family, and so on, the trick is not trying to make the right decision. There is no right decision. Just make a decision. Indecision can feel like a numbing limbo that we can’t escape. Once we make a decision, we at least have something to work with. Perhaps we will be happy with our decision, but we might also feel neutral, or even displeased. If the latter, well, at least we have created a great learning experience for ourselves.

Sometimes, we might feel as if we are letting possibilities marinate, when actually we are procrastinating with decision-making. It can be hard to discern the difference. We are the only ones who can say for certain whether we are indecisive because we are avoiding the decision or procrastinating or because we simply want to weigh the options more carefully. Take your time—if you’re still assessing. If you’re avoiding a decision because you’re afraid of making a mistake and if that’s been a theme for you in the past, you may want to talk to a therapist.

The good news is this: Every decision, no matter the outcome, will have some benefit, even if it’s only that we learn to avoid a similar choice in the future. The habit of making decisions builds resilience. Avoiding committing to one thing or another is a decision in itself, true, but this practice can feed a lack of self-confidence. Doing difficult things is the royal road to building self-confidence, and making choices builds a sense of agency in the world, helping us feel more competent and confident.

Reference:

Pert, C. B. (1999). Molecules of emotion: The science behind mind-body medicine. New York, NY: Touchstone.