What to Do When the Person You're Disappointed in Is You

What to Do When the Person You’re Disappointed in Is You

We’re almost two months into the new year, yet many of us have already disappointed ourselves. Maybe we’ve dropped the ball on the New Year’s resolutions we set just eight short weeks ago. We all hoped that 2021 would be better, a fresh start after a rough 2020, but so far, this year has given us plenty of new hard things to deal with. Perhaps we’re frustrated with how we haven’t changed much either in the last couple of months. So what do you do when the person that you’re disappointed in is you? 

3 Unhealthy Responses to Feeling Like You’re Disappointed in Yourself

#1 Punishing Yourself

When you are experiencing frustration with your choices or decisions, you may punish yourself. Self-punishment comes in many forms, like restricting yourself from enjoying good things, rejecting others’ praise, or engaging in negative self-talk. Sometimes people even perform self-harming acts in order to punish themselves. This type of response to coming up short often occurs when you are overwhelmed with guilt or even self-hatred. This is not a helpful or constructive coping mechanism, but it is not uncommon. 

If you’re stuck in a cycle of self-punishment, there’s no shame in reaching out for help. To search for a therapist in your area, click here.

#2 Denial

Sometimes when you’re disappointed in yourself, you choose denial as a response. This is essentially the decision to not talk about your failure, to pretend that it never happened. Denying either that you ever set the goal in the first place or that you strayed from it will not help you improve or achieve. You must be honest with yourself (and others, where appropriate) if you want to grow. 

#3 Giving Up

Giving up is a very common response to being disappointed in yourself. When you set goals for yourself, you expect to complete them; when faced with your own failures, it may seem logical to give up. We are often harsh and judgmental with ourselves. It’s as if we have decided that only complete perfection is worth striving for. One mistake or failure is enough to disqualify the value of all our efforts. And that’s simply untrue. We don’t always meet our own standards, even when we’ve set realistic goals, but an “all or nothing” approach to our goals is not conducive to progress. 

5 Healthy Alternatives

#1 Pause

If you feel yourself slipping into a disappointed mindset, you should pause. Often, our own failures trigger our fight, flight, or freeze response. Take some deep breaths, give yourself space to think, and calm down. Think about the situation in front of you rationally and thoughtfully so you can remain objective.

#2 Use It

If you are disappointed in your actions, use that disappointment as an impetus to find a solution or try again. This is an opportunity for you to shift toward self-compassion and self-love. You are a human who makes mistakes, just like we all are. What matters in this moment is how you choose to move forward. Use your disappointment as a catalyst to make good choices.

   2.A Explore

To make positive changes, you may need to spend some time in introspection. Ask yourself questions about why and how you disappointed yourself. How did the circumstances affect your choices? Do your goals or their implementation need to be reexamined? Take this opportunity to learn more about yourself, your tendencies, and who you want to be.

   2.B Plan

Once you understand how you ended up in this situation, you can make a plan to get back on track and avoid disappointment in the future. Your plan should be realistic to the demands of your life and involve small, attainable steps for you to get there. Think ahead of potential challenges that could derail your goals and how you will tackle them. Set yourself up for future success. 

#3 Name Your Feelings

Your feelings matter and are valid. Being disappointed in yourself when things do not go well is normal. Name your feelings, accept them, and then make positive decisions about how to move forward. As we noted before, denial is unhelpful. By identifying and feeling your emotions associated with failure and disappointment, you are equipping yourself to move forward with those feelings resolved, rather than just shoved into a corner of your heart and ignored as long as possible. 

#4 Practice Self-Compassion

Chances are, you will make more mistakes, you will fail again, you will disappoint yourself because you are human. The best thing you can offer yourself in those moments is self-compassion. Self-compassion helps us accept our mistakes as learning and growth opportunities that help us in the future. Start growing the habit of self-compassion now. 

#5 Get Help

If you are struggling to move past being disappointed in yourself or engaging in self-destructive behaviors, a therapist can be an excellent resource and support. Together, you can work on dismantling unhelpful thoughts and habits and embracing new, positive replacements. 

 

A therapist can help you develop healthy coping mechanisms as you deal with self-disappointment. To find a therapist in your area, click here.

A man in a suit stares at his reflection while touching the mirror.Denial, sometimes referred to as an acronym for “Don’t Even KNow I Am Lying,” is one of the most common defense mechanisms. Denial is widely recognized in mental health fields, and it is relevant in experiences of witnessing, inflicting, and/or surviving trauma. While denial can be quite effective in the short-term, it is often harmful in the long-term. Staying stuck in denial interferes with change.

WHAT IS DENIAL?

Denial is the refusal to accept reality in order to protect yourself from a painful event, thought, or feeling. It is a defense mechanism that gives you time to adjust to distressing life situations.

Denial can be present for anything that evokes vulnerability or threatens your sense of control. This could be illness, racism, addiction, anger issues, financial problems, or relationship conflicts. You can be in denial around something happening directly to you or something happening to another person. Denial can occur on an individual level and also on broader system levels, such as in family, social, or cultural contexts.

Denial is universal— everyone perceives events through personal bias. Yet the process of denial is complex, and it is (at least initially) mostly implicit and unconscious. However, you can recognize and challenge denial through an ongoing process of radical honesty and self-examination. This process can give you insight or encourage movement if you are stuck.

When undergoing self-examination, it often helps to use a holistic approach that includes mind, body, and soul.

Examining the MIND

Exploring your inner dialogue (self-talk) and outer dialogue are useful strategies in the self-examination of denial. Try to see if you are using cognitive distortions such as rationalizing, minimizing, and intellectualizing. These are used to alter the perception of reality, and they may suggest denial is ultimately at play.

Using the example of a conflict in a toxic relationship, consider the following:

These cognitive distortions are indicators that you may be stuck in denial. Also be on the lookout phrases or keywords which may signal that you’re engaging in a cognitive bias:

Examining what is being thought or said is relevant in the self-examination of denial. Examining the unsaid is also important. Consider what you are avoiding. What are you refusing to think about? What will you not talk about? What situation, past or present, won’t be acknowledged? What facts won’t you face? Honestly examine what you fear, then evaluate the potential negative consequences of not taking action.

Examining the BODY

Numbness, disconnection, and/or dissociation often occur with denial. These symptoms are suggestive of a trauma reaction in the nervous system: the freeze response. Somatic awareness can be a useful tool in addressing denial and the freeze response. Increasing somatic awareness means learning to feel your body and making your visceral experience more conscious.

To increase your somatic awareness, try the following exercise:

  1. Use the 5 senses (sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch) to externally orient to your environment.
  2. Notice what happens internally as you receive information from the environment through your senses (i.e. sound made your heart rate increase, sight was calming, etc.).
  3. Shift focus to identifying internal sensations (i.e. notice intensity, muscle, skin, temperature, constriction, expansion, and whole-body sensations).
  4. Bring to mind what you may be denying and notice what internal sensations you experience. If you are unaware of what you are denying, simply continue to notice sensations, as well as any thoughts, images, emotions, or impulses that arise.
  5. Stay with the experience, just noticing, until you experience sensations that are settling and pleasant, such as less constriction, more breath, and more presence.

Practice the exercise regularly. As your somatic awareness increases, continue to intentionally seek out sensations and practice staying with the discomfort.

Examining the SOUL

Denial has been described as a shock absorber for the soul. Attending to the soul refers to examining a deeper connection or relationship to yourself and others.

One sign of denial is when you constantly try to prove how good you are, that you are enough, or how much someone has or has not hurt you. Trying to prove yourself to the world may actually suggest that it is you who is not believing how good you are, your worth, or your hurt. Trying to prove yourself often presents as blaming, comparing, or defending. These tactics suggest that not only are you likely in a state of denial, you are also further disconnecting from yourself.

Individuals remain in denial and are unable to hear the truth until they are emotionally ready to cope with it. Individuals remain in denial and are unable to hear the truth until they are emotionally ready to cope with it. This often involves having a stable connection to oneself and others. You can deepen your self-connection and self-trust by revisiting past challenges that you have overcome. Take time to identify your abilities, successes, and strengths. You can deepen your connection to others by allowing yourself to express your fears. Consider opening up to a trusted friend or loved one, and/or participate in a support group.

Lastly, identify discrepancies between your values and your behaviors. The discrepancies may suggest denial. If you value love, for example, consider how your actions (or inactions) contribute to experiences of harm or hate. Make sure your internal and external resources are being used in accordance with your values, and reflect on your sense of greater meaning or purpose.

Therapy can be a safe place to get help for denial and other defense mechanisms. When denial has affected a marriage or relationship, couples counseling can be particularly helpful.

Blindfolded man with "racism" text on the blindfoldDenial has been said to be the trademark of addiction, and it has been long identified in the field of psychology. Denial is also relevant to experiences of trauma. These include witnessing trauma, inflicting trauma, and surviving trauma. Furthermore, white denial of racial trauma is the breath of racism.

What Is Denial and Why Do People Do It?

Denial is a refusal to accept reality in order to protect oneself from a painful event, thought, or feeling. It is a common defense mechanism that gives a person time to adjust to distressing situations. For example, a person with drug or alcohol addiction will often deny that they have a problem. People indirectly dealing with the addiction, such as family or friends of the addicted person, may also deny the severity of the issue.

It is possible to deny some aspects of reality while accepting other aspects. For example, a person may acknowledge there is an issue (such as addiction) while denying the need to take action (such as quitting the drug).

Denial isn’t limited to individuals. It has also been recognized on a cultural scale. Current examples include conspiracy theorists’ claims that the Holocaust never occurred or the renunciation of global warming.

Some experts theorize that denial occurs in linear, progressive stages. These types of denial include the following:

Denial is initially an unconscious adaptive response. It can also be one of the most primitive, meaning that while it can be very effective short-term, it is ineffective and potentially harmful in the long-term.  Staying in denial interferes with change.

How Denial Can Contribute to Racism

The stigma associated with being racist often fuels white denial—the refusal to accept that racism exists. Racism can be defined as the discrimination and/or oppression inflicted upon individuals belonging to a socially constructed racial category. Racism happens at three levels:

  1. Institutional—Discrimination through laws or social norms.
  2. Individual—When one person discriminates against a minority group.
  3. Internalized­—When a marginalized person believes stereotypes about their group and/or blames themself for any discrimination they face.

Racism requires the combination of prejudice, power, access, and privilege. It has been summarized as a pathology of power marked by ignorance.

The infamous photograph of the horrific lynching of Rubin Stacy in 1935 is a striking example of white denial. The photo shows a white child in the crowd dressed in her Sunday best. She is smiling while looking at the dead body of a black man hanging in the tree.

Transforming and healing the societal trauma of racism must include healing the numbness of people who benefit from racism.The child could be considered a visual representation of how the short-term coping response of denial evolves into a long-term strategy. The photo demonstrates how racism can be embedded in the culture we grow up in (institutionalized). It also shows how our belief system and our physiology can embody racism (individualized and internalized).

Studies on epigenetics reveal how trauma responses can be passed down through generations, not only through learning and conditioning, but also through genetics. One study shocked male mice while exposing them to the scent of a cherry blossom. The mice then showed a trauma response every time there was the scent, even without being shocked. The trauma response was also present in the mice’s children and grandchildren when they were exposed to the scent of a cherry blossom, even though they never experienced a shock. Their genes were altered.

The study suggests that a person may not have to directly experience a traumatic event to enact a trauma response. In other words, a traumatic response to a relevant trigger can occur even when a person doesn’t know what the original stimulus was. Regarding the photo, the loved ones grieving Rubin Stacy’s death could have passed down their trauma response to their descendants. Future descendants of the white child may embody her physiological response as well.

White denial, and the identified physiological response, may be relevant in the concept “the privilege of numbness”.  The term refers to emotional numbness as an adverse effect of racism. This numbness may enable white individuals to ignore or perpetuate a system of racism that benefits them without feeling guilt about others’ suffering. Transforming and healing the societal trauma of racism must include healing the numbness of people who benefit from racism.

When Ignorance Is Intentional

Conscious acts of denying can also appear when people face ethical dilemmas. A study examining shopping behaviors found that if consumers were specifically told that a product was made in an unethical way, the consumers wouldn’t purchase the product. However, when consumers were given the choice to hear the backstory on the product, most people chose to not know.

Researchers asked participants to rank jeans by picking two of four categories to do so:

  1. Style
  2. Color
  3. Price
  4. Whether or not child labor was used to make the clothing

More than 85% of participants did not choose child labor as a category for their consideration. These results suggest the vast majority of participants were “willfully ignorant.”  Researchers found the conscious act of denial was at least in part due to an unconscious fear of being upset by what would be discovered.

Next, researchers asked the willfully ignorant participants what they thought of consumers who chose to research a brand’s labor practices before making a purchase. The response? The willfully ignorant participants tended to degrade the ethical consumers, not just with criticism, but also with character attacks.

Why the hate? Research indicated the participants were unconsciously acting out due to their own guilty feelings. Perhaps even more concerning, a related study demonstrated that willfully ignorant consumers who degraded their ethical peers were less likely to support the social cause in the future.

Addressing Denial Through Self-Examination

Challenging denial is typically an ongoing process of self-examination and radical honesty. Denial is universal—everyone perceives events through personal bias. Therefore, confronting denial often starts at an individual level.

When challenging your own denial, remember to consider the following:

Sometimes confronting personal bias or past mistakes can feel emotionally overwhelming. A licensed therapist can offer confidential support without judgment. You can find a therapist here.

References:  

  1. Aizenman, N. (2016). Do these jeans make me look unethical? National Public Radio. Retrieved from https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2016/01/07/462132196/do-these-jeans-make-me-look-unethical
  2. Aldebot, S., & de Mamani, A. G. (2009). Denial and acceptance coping styles and medication adherence in schizophrenia. The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 197(8), 580–584. doi:10.1097/NMD.0b013e3181b05fbe
  3. D’Angelo, R. (2011). White fragility. The International Journal of Pedagogy, (3) Retrieved from http://libjournal.uncg.edu/ijcp/article/view/249/116
  4. Kendi, I. X. (2018). The heartbeat of racism is denial. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/13/opinion/sunday/heartbeat-of-racism-denial.html
  5. Lewis, T. (2013). Fearful experiences passed on in mouse families. Live Science. Retrieved from https://www.livescience.com/41717-mice-inherit-fear-scents-genes.html
  6. Lynching of Rubin Stacy in Fort Lauderdale, Florida [Photograph]. (1935) Retrieved March 2019 from https://www.alamy.com/stock-photo-lynching-of-rubin-stacy-in-fort-lauderdale-florida-49908098.html
  7. Raheem, M. A., & Hart, K. A. (2019, March). Counseling individuals of African descent. Counseling Today, 61(9). Retrieved from https://ct.counseling.org/2019/03/counseling-individuals-of-african-descent
  8. Winn, M. E. (1996). The strategic and systemic management of denial in the cognitive/behavioral treatment of sexual offenders. Sexual Abuse, 8(1), 25–36. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/107906329600800104

Person with long black hair lies in bed, hands and hair over faceI do not like to suffer, and I do not like for others to suffer. I avoid unnecessary suffering as much as possible, and as a therapist I try to help people to see and stop the unintentional, accidental things they do that add unnecessary suffering to their life. To me, that is one of the most realistic benefits of therapy, and I am always happy when I can help with that.

If I’m honest, though, when I first approached training to be a therapist I was possessed by the fantasy that therapy could create a suffering-free and, if I stay honest, perfected life. I remember reading a quote by Sigmund Freud in which he said the goal of analysis was to help the person overcome “neurotic misery” so they can deal with “normal human unhappiness,” and I wondered, “Why is Freud so pessimistic?” I had the fantasy that therapy could make us somehow super-human, able to transcend “normal human unhappiness”—the aches, pains, and anxieties that come with living. Over time, I have come to see that (1) I was somewhat deluded, and (2) I am not the only one who suffers under that fantasy.

[fat_widget_right]

In fact, many of us long to transcend our humanity, to somehow outsmart or shortcut the painful stuff that is built into life—the loss of loved ones through their death or ours, the breakdown of our bodies, the inevitability of failure, pain, loss, and frustration, the impossibility of endless perfection or bliss, etc. Those things sound terrible, so no wonder we long to somehow avoid them. However, when we start asking ourselves, others (e.g., our therapists), and life to somehow grant us the power to not suffer the realities of human life that we all face, we are in pursuit of an impossible and potentially self-destructive goal.

When we refuse to suffer, we refuse life on life’s terms, imperiling our relationship with the realities around us. What are the consequences of trying to actualize the fantasy that we are somehow bigger than suffering, or that we can somehow not suffer in a perfect life? Is some suffering possible to overcome or do we have to accept all the suffering in our lives? What suffering is necessary and unavoidable, and what kind of suffering is not? What happens to our therapy when we give ourselves and our therapists the magic task of making life into something it’s not—perfect and comfortable? We can explore some of these questions here.

Ways We Refuse to Suffer

If some suffering is simply built into life, what are the ways we try to avoid suffering? There are many, but most are based in the psychological defense mechanism known as denial.

Remember the now-famous meme of the cartoon dog, sipping coffee as the room is burning around him, saying, “This is fine!”? The dog’s reaction is profoundly human, and perhaps that’s why it’s so funny to us. We, too, have the ability to un-see the painful or anxiety-provoking things we see, to un-feel those bad feelings, and to undo our reality through denial. Under the influence of denial, our house may still burn down, but we will not experience (read: suffer) the emotional impact of it.

Denial can take many forms in our efforts to refuse suffering: We can deny our love of someone so we won’t suffer the pain of their loss. We can deny our feelings are important so we will not suffer pain when we are cruel to ourselves or treated cruelly by others. We can deny the humanity of others so we will not suffer guilt when we harm them. We can even deny that life is real in an effort to not suffer the aches and pains that come with living.

As a species, we are highly capable of denial, and we often do it unintentionally and automatically. But what price do we pay for this way of (not) dealing with reality?

Costs of Refusing to Suffer

What happens when we deny our feelings and our reality and refuse to suffer? We certainly experience a temporary no-feeling state that can be blissful, or even a kind of excited feeling of perfection, and that can be comforting or even addictive. We can go on in denial for a long time.

But like the dog in the meme, the house keeps burning around us no matter how long we deny it. Denial of loss and refusal to suffer the grief of loss does not make the loss any less true or real. Denial of our pain and refusal to suffer it will not take the damage caused by a cruel tormenter away; it will make us perfect victims. Denial that our lives are real and important, and refusal to bear the feelings that come with reality, leaves us in an aimless state, unable to connect to our desires and pursue things we might want.

Good therapy can help us learn to suffer and learn from the unavoidable pains of life, and help us see and stop our tendencies to add extra, unnecessary suffering to life. However, the process of learning about ourselves, our feelings, and our lives can be painful in and of itself, as can the process of change.

Fundamentally, refusal to suffer makes it impossible for us to learn from our experiences: If I never experience the pain of my hand being burned by the stove, how can I learn not to do it again? If I never feel the stinging pain of someone hurting me, how can I realize the importance of setting a protective boundary with them? If I deny the pain I cause myself through self-attacking thoughts or self-harm, how can I develop the compassion and concern for myself that I will need in order to stop?

If we refuse to suffer the feelings that come with life, we may not fully learn about ourselves, the people around us, and our environment. Without opening up to the experience of all our feelings, we will never learn the “rules” of reality, the limitations of being human, the costs and benefits of our behaviors, and as a result we will fail to adapt. We will be in a chronic state of “surprise” when we keep doing things the same way, not experiencing and learning from the consequences of our actions, and then keep getting the same result.

If we refuse to suffer, we will fail to learn from the experiences that create our suffering. We can further wonder: if we refuse to bear the pains that come with life, can we truly be available to experience the joys? What happens to our lives if we don’t learn from our joyous experiences either?

Is Suffering Inevitable?

Some suffering in life cannot be avoided. The emotional suffering attached to everything—from accidentally stubbing one’s toe to saying goodbye to our loved ones and to life at the moment of our deaths—is a built-in part of the human program. We can avoid our feelings about these experiences through denial, but they happen to us no matter what.

But not all suffering is so inevitable. In life, we can create additional suffering beyond what is simply required. Paradoxically, one of the major ways we add unnecessary suffering to our lives is through the ways we try to avoid the necessary suffering. Here’s how:

We never intend to add long-term suffering to our lives when we choose short-term ways to refuse suffering, but this is often the result. The unintended consequences of our refusal to suffer what life is presenting us often lead us to seek therapy. In therapy, our task becomes to stop avoiding and denying these very real pains and anxieties, face our feelings, and learn to bear the suffering that is a natural, unavoidable part of our lives, so we can put an end to the suffering that we add to life through avoidance and learn to live with the suffering we cannot control.

Refusing to Suffer in Therapy

Good therapy can help us learn to suffer and learn from the unavoidable pains of life, and it can also help us see and stop our tendencies to add extra, unnecessary suffering to life. However, the process of learning about ourselves, our feelings, and our lives can be painful in and of itself, as can the process of change. In order to change, we may be required to suffer feelings we would rather avoid. What happens when our impulse to avoid or refuse suffering shows up in our therapy?

Our desire to refuse or avoid the built-in sufferings of life can show up in therapy in a variety of ways. We can ask our therapist to “teach” us some “skill” or give advice with the hope they know some magical routine or mantra that will help us avoid the unavoidable or numb us to what we all must feel. We can prefer the fantasy that we can learn from the therapist’s experience rather than experience or suffer life for ourselves. We can ask the therapist to answer questions there are no answers to yet, hoping we won’t have to bear the pain of not knowing or do the hard work of finding out for ourselves. We can take on a passive role, hoping the therapist will change us, with the secret hope we will not have to suffer the pain, time, and effort required to change ourselves. We can fire the therapist with the secret hope that, in doing so, we will fire the uncomfortable realities we are facing in therapy. The list could go on and on.

It is always possible we are simply not ready to face, accept, and live (read: suffer) the truth of our lives, and if so that is okay. I think many people quit therapy when they realize that, for the therapy to work, they will have to face some suffering—whether it’s the hard work of change, the pain of saying goodbye to the past, or the confusion and frustration that are sometimes inherent in change. Not everyone wants to face these things; they are far from blissful and perfect. However, when we are ready, a good therapist will help us to suffer the feelings that life is asking us to suffer and help us stop adding suffering to our lives through our refusal and avoidance. Then, we can learn from our experiences and use our new knowledge to bear the sufferings and joys that life hands us, rather than increase our suffering by refusing what life hands us.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.