Divorce can be a deeply challenging and emotional time for both parents and children. As a professional counselor, I understand the importance of ensuring that children feel loved, secure, and valued during this significant transition. Fostering self-love and using affirmations can be powerful tools to help children navigate their emotions and build resilience. Here are some compassionate strategies and affirmations to support children through a divorce. 

Strategies to Foster Self-Love in Children 

1. Open Communication
   Encouraging children to express their feelings is essential. Let them know that their emotions are valid and important. Create a safe space for them to talk openly about their thoughts and feelings. Remember, your active listening and reassurance can make a world of difference.
2. Consistent Routines
   Maintaining consistent daily routines can provide a much-needed sense of stability and security. Regular meal times, homework, playtime, and bedtime routines help children feel more in control during times of change, offering them a comforting sense of normalcy.
3. Quality Time
   Spending quality one-on-one time with your child is incredibly beneficial. Engage in activities they enjoy and show genuine interest in their hobbies and interests. This not only strengthens your bond but also reinforces their sense of worth and individuality.
4. Positive Reinforcement
   Acknowledge and praise your child’s efforts and achievements, no matter how small. Positive reinforcement can significantly boost their self-esteem and reinforce their sense of worth. Celebrating their successes helps them feel seen and appreciated.
5. Model Self-Love
   Children learn a great deal by observing their parents. Demonstrating self-love and self-care in your own life can encourage them to do the same. Prioritizing your well-being sets a powerful example for your child.
6. Discipline without Shame
   Discipline is an important aspect of parenting, but it’s crucial to ensure it doesn’t shame the child. Shaming can negatively impact their self-esteem and sense of worth. Instead, use positive and constructive discipline techniques.

Recommended Books for Parents 

For parents looking to deepen their understanding and practice of non-shaming discipline and positive affirmations, here are some highly recommended books: 

1. “No-Drama Discipline” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
   This book offers a compassionate approach to discipline, emphasizing the importance of connecting with your child and teaching them valuable life skills without resorting to shame. 

1. “The Whole-Brain Child” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
   This guide provides strategies to nurture a child’s developing mind, including techniques to encourage positive behavior and emotional resilience. 

1. “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
   This classic book offers practical advice on communicating with children in a way that fosters cooperation and mutual respect, avoiding shame and blame. 

1. “The Self-Driven Child” by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson
   This book explores ways to support children in developing autonomy and self-motivation, emphasizing the importance of unconditional support and encouragement. 

1. “The Conscious Parent” by Shefali Tsabary
   This book encourages parents to look within and transform their own behaviors to raise emotionally healthy children, focusing on empathy and connection. 

Affirmations for Children 

Affirmations are positive statements that can help children build confidence and resilience. Encourage your child to repeat these affirmations daily or write them down in a journal. Here are some affirmations that can be particularly helpful for children experiencing their parent’s divorce: 

• I am loved and valued. 

• I am strong and can handle change. 

• I deserve to be happy and feel safe. 

• I am capable of great things. 

• I am proud of who I am. 

• I am surrounded by people who care about me. 

• I have the power to create a positive future. 

• I am brave and can face any challenge. 

• I trust myself and my feelings. 

• I am important and my voice matters. 

Activities to Reinforce Affirmations 

1. Affirmation Jar
   Creating an affirmation jar can be a fun and uplifting daily ritual. Use colorful paper and let your child decorate the jar. Drawing a positive affirmation each day can help start or end the day on a positive note.
2. Affirmation Cards
   Design affirmation cards together. Use markers, stickers, and drawings to make the cards visually appealing. Keep these cards in a place where your child can easily access them, such as by their bed or in their backpack.
3. Mirror Affirmations
   Encourage your child to stand in front of a mirror and repeat their affirmations. This can help reinforce their positive self-image and boost their confidence before starting the day.
4. Affirmation Art
   Engage in creative activities like drawing, painting, or crafting affirmations. Displaying their affirmation art around the house can constantly remind them of their strengths and positive qualities.
5. Bedtime Routine
   Incorporating affirmations into your child’s bedtime routine can promote a sense of calm and security. Have them repeat affirmations before sleep, paired with other calming activities like reading a bedtime story or listening to soothing music.

Conclusion 

Navigating divorce can be a challenging experience for children, but fostering self-love and using affirmations can provide them with the emotional tools they need to thrive. By maintaining open communication, providing stability, and reinforcing positive self-beliefs, parents can support their children in developing resilience and a strong sense of self-worth. These strategies not only help children cope with the immediate challenges of divorce but also equip them with lifelong skills for emotional well-being. 

Some couples can divorce amicably, some can divorce bumpy but tolerably, and some go through what is societally called a “high conflict” divorce. According to divorcenet.com, high conflict is defined as “divorces where one or both spouses engage in negative behaviors to intentionally derail the process or inflict unnecessary emotional pain on one another.”  

However, if one spouse uses coercive tactics to gain prolonged power over their ex-spouse, “high conflict” may not be the correct labeling; it may be considered Post Separation Abuse. This is an emerging label in the mental health field and is becoming apparent in legal settings. 

What is Post Separation Abuse?

Post Separation Abuse is defined as the ongoing, willful pattern of intimidation of a former intimate partner including legal abuse, economic abuse, threats and endangerment to children, isolation and discrediting and harassment and stalking (Spearman, K. J., Hardesty, J. L., & Campbell, J. (2023). Post- separation abuse: A concept analysis. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 79, 1225–1246). 

Post Separation Abuse is considered intimate partner violence (IPV) and not only harms former spouses but shared children as well. Intimate partner violence can be defined as physical, sexual, or psychological harm by a current or former intimate partner or spouse (National Institute of Justice). 

Some forms of Post Separation Abuse are: 

• Abusing the court system by filing frivolous motions. Abusive spouses are extremely litigious; filing motions at the drop of a hat to intimidate, coerce and harass their victim into relenting on an issue, or to make legal threats as a show of power. 
• Abusive spouses may seek a change in custody that realistically is unfeasible, just as a means of revenge and punishment to the victim. Either way, the victim is almost always left with legal fees, time off work, and emotional depletion to fight each battle.  

• Abusive spouses may delay child support payments or withhold payment for court ordered items such as extracurricular activities or health related issues to create hardship for the victim.  
• Abusive spouses often threaten and harass verbally, digitally, and physically to intimidate and demean their victim. Repeatedly sending disparaging emails, bullying texts, or physically making their presence known (standing in front of their partner at a baseball game) so their partner never feels safe are all signs of coercive tactics.  
• Abusive spouses may try and gain favor with others in the family or community by manipulating the narrative (gaslighting) in an attempt to make their victim look “crazy.”  
• Abusive spouses do not cooperatively and collaboratively co-parent. They will do the opposite or provide a separate set of rules for their home to undermine the victim’s values. 

High Conflict Divorce vs. Post Separation Abuse

What is the difference between high conflict divorce and Post Separation Abuse? High conflict often involves both partners challenging each other, fighting in court and out, with both being equally responsible for the conflict. Post Separation Abuse is often one partner using power and control to abuse the legal system, provide false narratives and destroy the victim who must always be on the defensive.  

Family court professionals and mental health professionals must work together to recognize the abusive patterns and provide safeguards to protect victims and their children. Common Post Separation Abuse patterns in family court look like: 

• Failure to pay child support or follow a court order.  
• Using manipulative, coercive control language and behavior to harm victim partner, not work collaboratively. 
• Frivolous motions filed. 
• History of domestic violence or coercive control in the marital relationship. 

According to the Washington University School of Law, “when the abuser takes the victim to court, often repeatedly, each encounter may traumatize her again. She is forced to defend herself against her abuser, appear in the same room with him, and listen to him accuse her of wrongdoing or inadequacy. Additionally, because the court system largely does not recognize or understand post-separation intimate and judicial terrorism, the very forum in which the victim seeks safety and justice may deny her both, retraumatizing her in yet another way.” 

Results of Post Separation Abuse

The emotional and physical consequence to the victim of Post Separation Abuse is traumatic and must be handled with care and compassion with the help of qualified law professionals, family, friends, and a licensed therapist who understands the coercive nature of this type of IPV.  

Often, victims feel: 

• Depleted emotionally and financially. 
• Stuck in this pattern. 
• Traumatized to make any decision. 
• Mistrusting and insecure of themselves and everyone around them. 
• Heartbroken for their children whom they share with an abusive ex. 
• Fearful of the next move their abusive ex may make. 
• Bombarded with negativity and unable to see the good in the world. 
• Misunderstood by family and friends. 

Divorce is difficult enough, without having to face abuse after separation, especially when children are involved. Post Separation Abuse is about coercive control and power over the victim, and is happening in courtrooms today.  

The GoodTherapy registry might be helpful to you to find a therapist if you have experienced a high conflict divorce or Post Separation Abuse. There are thousands of therapists listed who would love to walk with you on your journey. Find the support you need today.

References:

https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/6-strategies-for-surviving-a-high-conflict-divorce. 

Spearman, K. J., Hardesty, J. L., & Campbell, J. (2023). Post- separation abuse: A concept analysis. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 79, 1225–1246 https://doi. org/10.1111/jan.1531 

(n.d.). Overview of intimate partner violence. National Institute of Justice. https://nij.ojp.gov/topics/articles/overview-intimate-partner-violence#:~:text=Historically%20called%20%22domestic%20violence%2C%22,former%20intimate%20partner%20or%20spouse 

https://wustllawreview.org/2022/02/07/the-ex-factor-addressing-trauma-from-post-separation-domestic-violence-as-judicial-terrorism/#post-21195-footnote-31 

Putting Kids First: Choosing Martial Partnerships and Co-Parenting over Divorce

As many couples find out the hard way, the spark that led to them falling in love and getting married doesn’t always last forever. 

Should you find yourself in such a scenario, you typically have three options:  

• Work on repairing the relationship. 
• File for divorce. 
• Give a marital partnership or co-parenting a try. 

While splitting up is difficult for any couple, it’s much harder when kids are in the picture because of the way they might respond to the situation. It’s not uncommon, for example, for some children to think that they themselves are the reason their parents are getting divorced. 

To be sure, divorce is definitely warranted in some cases — particularly if you’re keen on dissolving legal bonds with your spouse. If you simply can’t get along with your partner any longer, you may be better off divorcing so that you don’t expose your kids to chronic conflict, which can have disastrous effects on their development.  

That said, a clear-cut divorce isn’t always the best option. To give their children the love and support they need to grow up to be healthy, contributing members of society, more and more couples are embracing alternative approaches to parenthood. 

Should We Stay Together? Lifestyle Alternatives to Divorce 

According to the New York Times, divorce rates have been on a downward trend of late. On one hand, this is due to the uncertainty of the pandemic, as couples decide to weather the storm together. On the other, it’s because more and more parents are pursuing more modern types of relationships, including marital partnerships and co-parenting agreements.  

Marital partnerships 

Also known as a parenting marriage, a marital partnership is a non-romantic marriage where the parents stay together and live as a family for the sake of their children. Also known as a parenting marriage (a concept developed by Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW), a marital partnership is a non-romantic marriage where the parents stay together and live as a family for the sake of their children. From the outside, a parenting marriage looks exactly the same as a traditional marriage. When you’re in a parenting marriage, you still go out to dinner and the movies together as a family, for example. 

Though they are difficult for both spouses, marital partnerships deliver a number of benefits to children. Not only do they ensure kids have a consistent, stable upbringing, but they also ensure that both parents are present during important activities and events. 

Co-parenting 

Of course, living with someone you’re no longer in love with doesn’t necessarily appeal to everyone. Depending on the circumstances leading to the split, it might not even be worth it to even try.  

In these circumstances, it’s still possible to maintain a healthy, civil relationship with your spouse after a divorce by embracing a concept called co-parenting, which is also known as platonic parenting. 

Like the name suggests, platonic parenting is the process of two parents coming together amicably to raise their kids together. While parents might get legally divorced and live in different places, they both raise their kids together, seeing each other often in both public and private settings. This provides the stability and continuity kids need to lead healthy lives. 

Co-parenting is not without its challenges. Chief among them is the fact that co-parents need to be respectful to each other at all times and never disparage their ex in front of their kids. But with the right approach to co-parenting, you can teach your kids great lessons about constructive problem-solving and how to communicate effectively while also reducing the stress and anxiety that would result from a more significant split. 

What Do Kids Really Need from Their Parents? 

At the end of the day, whether you decide to work on your marriage, try a parenting marriage, or become co-parents ultimately is not all that important. What matters most is that you are able to give your kids the childhood they deserve. 

Whatever approach you take, it’s important to keep your kids safe, listen to them and spend time with them, and provide affection, order, and consistency. You also need to set and enforce limits, understand how your children spend their free time, and stay on top of any medical and mental health concerns. 

If you’re in a hard place in your relationship and don’t know what to do, all hope isn’t lost. Talking to a therapist can help you figure out the best path forward. The right therapist will be able to help you determine what you want, what aligns with your values, and how to make it happen in a healthy way that doesn’t hurt your children. 

Ready to give therapy a try? Search for a qualifed therapist in your community today. 

Trying to figure out why your partner/spouse left you can become the bane of your existence. Even if there appears on the surface to be an obvious and uncomfortable reason, your brain will search for answers that feel satisfying and rational.

The truth is that there are probably a million reasons for his or her departure, but the one you choose to believe will set the tone for your perspective, attitude, and experience going forward.

For example, it’s typically easier to digest the idea that you and your partner “grew apart” than it is to consider the possibility that he or she fell out of love with you. The first reason is practical and plausible; the latter can be a devastating blow to the heart and ego.

You may never get the answer you are looking for from your partner, but there are several common reasons why someone leaves a relationship. Below are the top five reasons for leaving that I hear about while working with divorcing couples in my therapy practice.

Reasons Partners Leave

1. Your partner wasn’t in love with you anymore. This is one of the most common reasons people leave a relationship. You could argue that all long-term relationships lose their spark, but falling out of love usually is code for “I’m done here.” While there are cases in which couples fall back in love, most often it’s hard to renew this emotional connection.

How to cope: As hard as it is, try not to take this personally. Remember that people fall in and out of love all the time, and you probably don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love you deeply anyway. Heal your ego and your heart first, and then see where you stand with your emotions.

2. Your partner felt like you became more like a sibling than a partner. Many committed relationships and marriages, particularly those that start at a young age, turn from romantic to familial. [fat_widget_right]These are couples that “grow up” together and then “grow apart.” Husbands become brotherly, and wives become sisterly, until it just feels too weird to be romantic. These are hard situations because there is still a strong emotional connection, but no physical connection. Many people choose to stay in these kinds of marriages, but for many, giving up romance and sex is just not an option.

How to cope: If this is the reason for your divorce or breakup, you probably had a good go of it. The relationship was most likely very comfortable and “good” in many ways, but trust that you will rekindle some of your romantic spark and realize that your marriage was unfulfilling. Cherish what you had, and work on closing that chapter as you prepare for the next.

3. Your partner felt ignored and unappreciated. As with a garden, when a relationship isn’t tended to, it withers and dies. If you under-appreciated your partner or neglected to nurture the bond between you, your partner might have broken off like a dead limb on a tree. Maybe there were reasons you didn’t want to put energy and time into the relationship, or perhaps you felt like it was your partner’s job as much as yours. This all may be true, but once the life goes out of the partnership, it takes a lot of work to cultivate it back to where it needs to be.

How to cope: Work on taking responsibility for your part, forgiving yourself for what you could have done differently, and letting go of how you think it should have been. Try to relinquish anger and resentment to create space for understanding and growth.

4. Your partner met someone else. This is often the most painful reason for a leaving, but it’s also sometimes the easiest to accept. The message is so strong and clear when there is infidelity. Infidelity can severely strain a relationship and the people involved unlike opaque reasons such as boredom or lack of compatibility. Coming back from an affair is possible, but most often the trust is severed and cannot be recovered. Cheating partners often don’t even want to work on saving the relationship or marriage, increasing levels of frustration and hurt.

How to cope: Try not to take too much of a righteous or moral stance. The reasons for affairs are very “gray” and multilayered. It’s easy to get trapped in black-and-white thinking, but you will need to expand your concept of the situation to truly heal.

5. Your partner doesn’t have anything in common with you anymore. This always seems like something that can be worked on or fixed, but when two people live separate lives, they can eventually grow too far apart. This happens slowly and mysteriously until, one day, there are no common interests and someone gets bored and wants to move on. In many cases, there were no common interests to start with, making coming back together even harder.

How to cope: This is a great opportunity and time to ask yourself what you want to do with your time and how you want to live. As hard as it can be to lose your partner, there probably is some part of you that shut down or got lost in the relationship. Rediscover that now.

Coping with the end of a relationship can be difficult on many levels. There is no shame in seeking professional support from a counselor or therapist if you need or want it.

By Bren M. Chasse, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

The Art of Effective Co-Parenting

“Co-parenting is not a competition. It’s a collaboration of two homes working together with the best interest of the child at heart.” — Heather Hetchler

In a day and age where long-term marriages are the exception and not the rule, the issue of co-parenting is one I see every day. In fact, my practice is overflowing with families trying to navigate the challenges of effective co-parenting. Even the most amicable divorce can trigger feelings of abandonment, anger, betrayal, grief, and loss—all difficult emotions to navigate. Supporting your children through these difficult emotions while simultaneously experiencing them can feel almost impossible at times.

Co-Parenting Is Hard

Let me begin by saying the art of effective co-parenting is not an easy topic, nor is it by any means an easy task! The feelings following separation or divorce are often still very raw—and may be exacerbated if the end of the relationship was characterized by a high level of conflict. Working cooperatively with someone you no longer hold in the highest regard can be very difficult—but your children are counting on you to put your own feelings aside to attend to their needs. 

Co-Parenting Is Worth It

Effective co-parenting mandates a level of maturity and strength that requires each partner to put their egos aside and come together to present a united front to the children. Your little humans are looking to you both to assure them that, regardless of changes in the family structure or dynamics in your relationship with each other, they can count on you to provide structure, consistency, safety, protection from conflict and other adult matters, and a sense of grounded stability. They are counting on you to work as a cohesive team. I’m not suggesting that you and your co-parent have to remain best friends. What I am recommending is that you find a way to unify and come together around your children to ensure both of you consistently meet their needs—and sometimes this means stepping up your game and redefining your definition of teamwork with your co-parent so that your ability to meet your children’s needs together exceeds your ability to do so when you shared an intimate relationship. 

Five Tips for Effective Co-Parenting

#1: Never let your children hear you speak negatively about your co-parent. 

This is one of the most common and most damaging things I see occur in dysfunctional co-parenting relationships. Under most circumstances, children experience love and a deep, primal connection to both parents. Even at a young age, they understand that they are a product of you both. Making disparaging comments about your co-parent may cause your child to question your love for them. It also puts your child in a position to feel as though they must defend their other parent. I guarantee they will grow to resent you for this over time. Overtly or covertly expressing your disapproval for your co-parent to your children causes them to feel trapped in the middle of the conflict and responsible for negotiating co-parenting issues, an adult responsibility for which they are ill-equipped. Children should never be tasked with negotiating issues between their parents.  

#2: Enforce the expectation that your children respect you both. 

Building on the first tip, it’s equally important to enforce an expectation that your children respect not only your parental authority but also that of your co-parent. This can be challenging, as you want to allow a space for your children to freely express the big emotions they are experiencing. At the same time, teaching your children how to express these emotions appropriately is an important life skill. Children of divorce will often test the limits of the co-parenting relationship by expressing feelings of hatred toward one parent or another. It’s important to challenge your child to identify that they may be frustrated or hate one parent’s behavior but that it’s not appropriate to make disparaging remarks toward or about their parent. When this occurs, children are often attempting to determine if you remain aligned with your co-parent when it comes to matters concerning them or if there is a crack in the alignment that they may be able to exploit. Children do not engage in this behavior with malicious intent. Instead, they are seeking validation that they remain safe and protected from any challenges between you and your co-parent.

#3: Be consistent in the rules and expectations between homes. 

This requires frequent and effective communication. If your child gets in trouble at one home, the other parent must enforce the consequences when your child returns. For example, if your daughter loses “screen time” for two days for talking disrespectfully to her mom, it’s essential you enforce the punishment if it falls during the time she is in your care. By doing so, you prevent your daughter from splitting your united front and capitalizing on any conflict between you and your co-parent. My Parental Handoff Worksheet may help support effective communication and positive exchanges between homes.

#4: Show up—ALWAYS show up! 

Showing up is one of the most important things you can do for your child. Do not make your child choose which parent will attend major milestones and life events—and don’t trade off. Not only will you miss out on some of your child’s most important moments, but they will as well. Your child doesn’t want to have to sacrifice when it comes to the defining moments in their lives; don’t make them. Even at a young age, your children expect that you can put any anger, ego, or resentment toward your co-parent aside to celebrate them—particularly in the big moments. Your child needs to know that they are so precious to you that you’re willing to put your feelings aside and be a little uncomfortable for an afternoon. They need to know they can trust you will always show up when it really matters. 

#5: Recognize if you and your co-parenting partner need additional support! 

Raising children to thrive in their environment is a challenge under the best circumstances. Reaching out for support, and doing it early, doesn’t suggest a parenting fail—instead, it suggests you understand the stakes are high and you aren’t willing to take any chances with your child’s well-being. There are resources available to support you through a difficult process; make use of them. 

When Your Co-Parent Isn’t Onboard

Of course, what I’ve said up to this point speaks to the ideal situation after divorce or separation. But what happens when one parent is willing to do the work and the other parent is not? The answer is simple but often painfully to execute—you never give up hope. Continue to move forward parenting your child in the best way possible because you and your child deserve and need to heal. At the same time, you leave the door open to the other parent with the hope that they will one day do their own work and be willing to sit at the table with you. It’s ok to be frustrated and angry because it’s really not fair—but at the end of the day, kids don’t care about fair; they need you to be present and always show up for them. When you become a parent, it’s no longer about you—your priority becomes your child’s needs and best interest. You will make mistakes along the way. Your children don’t need you to be perfect; they need you to never give up and always love them unconditionally and unapologetically.

Infographic Provided By Goldberg Law Office

References

Hetchler, H. (2014, September 26-28).  Full-time stepmom [Conference session]. The Stepmom Retreat, Asheville, NC, United States.

Changes in your life and relationships, even good ones, can present a real challenge. If you’re struggling, you don’t have to do it alone. Find a therapist in your area today.

Infographic Text: Can mental health issues be used against you in a child custody dispute?

Yes, but only if your condition affects your ability to parent your child.  You are more likely to lose custody if your diagnosis has caused you to:

• Neglect your child’s basic needs.
• Have episodes of aggression or self-harm.
• Be unable to function independently.
• Create an environment that is unsafe for children.

A diagnosis alone cannot cause you to lose custody of your child. Plenty of adults with mental health issues can be safe and attentive parents. For example, if a parent is managing their bipolar symptoms in therapy and has no history of abusive behavior, then a judge is unlikely to deny them custody.

Seeking therapy for your symptoms will likely help you in a custody case. Getting treatment shows you are taking steps to address any behavioral issues. While therapy won’t guarantee you retain custody after a divorce, it can reduce your symptoms and help you be a better parent overall.

References:

1. Jones, G. (2017, March 9). How mental illness impacts child custody: What you need to know. Retrieved from https://www.goldbergjones-or.com/child-custody/mental-illness-impacts-child-custody
2. Kvarnstrom, E. (2017, May 2). Mental illness and child custody: The impact of treatment. Retrieved from https://www.bridgestorecovery.com/blog/mental-illness-and-child-custody-the-impact-of-treatment

What do you to when one person wants to leave their marriage and the other person wants to keep working on it?

The would-be marriage leaver may have limited motivation to work on the relationship. They may complain that therapy is “too little, too late.” The marriage may no longer fit who they’ve become. Over time, a traditional marriage can feel like the wrong container for one or both members of a couple. Sometimes marriages adjust to allow for new desires and needs. Sometimes the infrastructure fragments, unable to adapt to change.

For the partner fighting for the marriage, fear and loss may loom large. They’ve built a relationship with their partner — possibly over many years. They rely on it for comfort, connection, stability, and a sense of belonging. The relationship is home. Who would choose to be homeless? For partners in this position, the relationship may have been taken for granted. It can feel like an essential requirement for their very existence, like gravity or oxygen. It’s what keeps them rooted, what allows them to go about their life with confidence and certainty.

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The partner fighting for the marriage may struggle to see the other person’s perspective. This is a time of powerful emotions. It’s hard to comprehend the reasoning of the partner who wants out. Many who leave still love their partners, even if the love has lost its erotic charge or emotional heat. For others who leave, there may be toxic secrets or an affair lurking in the background.

Wanting to leave the marriage doesn’t necessarily mean there’s no appreciation for what’s been created, but it may mean something else has become a priority. Rarely is wanting to leave an intentional act of aggression or cruelty, though it can wreak havoc on peace of mind and well-being, particularly during the uncertain transition phase.

For the leaver, wanting to leave may be their attempt at psychological survival. What they need to feel connected to their life force may not seem to exist within the relationship. This realization may create a painful dissonance which the person hopes to resolve through separation or divorce.

The would-be marriage leaver may be rash in their decisions. They may not make space for the scope of their partner’s emotional and psychological disorientation. The experience of the person fighting for the marriage may well be the polar opposite of theirs. Where the person wanting out is eager to see what it feels like to fly solo, the other partner may feel like they’re being forced to untether their life line from the mothership. The person wanting out seems to be saying, “You’ll be okay” and waving at them from a distant window.

The more self-awareness, vulnerability, and honesty each partner can bring to their positions, the easier it may be to connect and explore options that take both partners’ needs and fears into account.

Terrified and panicked, the partner who wants to preserve the marriage may feel as if they’re drifting into an existential abyss. The assurances they sometimes hear from their partners in these situations can ring hollow and opportunistic. “You deserve real love.” “You’ll find someone who can give you more than I can give you.” It’s better to allow the bereft partner to arrive at their own silver linings and keep these philosophical observations to oneself.

It’s rarely easy or smooth for couples who have different commitment levels to their marriage. The more self-awareness, vulnerability, and honesty each partner can bring to their positions, the easier it may be to connect and explore options that take both partners’ needs and fears into account. Different levels of commitment create a power imbalance in a relationship. Talking about it vulnerably and openly may remind you that you’re figuring things out as a team. Active, thoughtful, respectful communication will minimize impulsive actions and destructive reactions.

The partner seeking to preserve the marriage can:

1. Find the right group/community support through workshops, programs, retreats, or special interests and activities.
2. Make daily time and space for embodying and expressing feelings through dance, art, or outdoor activities such as hiking or exercise.
3. Practice taking responsibility for their 50% of the marital relationship issues through journaling and self-inquiry exercises.
4. Negotiate the physical and emotional boundaries that will help them feel grounded.

The partner who wants to leave the marriage can:

1. Take responsibility for their 50% of the relationship issues.
2. Give the transition process the time it deserves.
3. Honor their partner and their boundaries, allowing for honest, non-defensive communication.
4. Plug into community support.

It can help to establish a time frame and ground rules for the transition process when renegotiating a marriage. This may mean no dating, no solo vacations, and no major solo expenditures. Agreeing on boundaries that fit your living situation, finances, and when and what to tell family members and children may minimize conflicts.

A couple working through differing levels of commitment may need to establish safe and respectful methods for checking in and sharing feelings and challenges. This is not a time to go it alone, although you may not be able to lean on each other in the ways you’re used to. Consider hiring a counselor, mediator, financial adviser, attorney, and/or other guide to help support you.

Are you feeling hopeless about your relationship? Has your marriage devolved into a manipulative game of tit for tat? Or perhaps you’ve both withdrawn and haven’t had a meaningful exchange in years. In any case, if you’re reading this, you probably wish you could get back that lovin’ feeling.

You’re tired of marital frustration. You’ve suffered long enough. You could probably benefit from couples counseling.

Divorces sometimes happen when a couple hits a rough patch. Some are healthy, good, appropriate divorces. But many are unnecessary responses to temporary, treatable problems. Marriages go through different phases. If a couple splits too quickly or easily, they miss the growth opportunity that is built into conflict.

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Marital distress can be excruciatingly painful. So can cranking up your old eHarmony subscription. And living separately from your children. And starting over with someone new only to find old patterns showing up.

An honest conversation is key to rebuilding your relationship. A qualified couples counselor can help you to have that conversation. You can maximize the benefits of therapy by being a wise consumer. Here are some suggestions:

1. Search inside yourself first. Are you willing to do this work? Look at your motives. Do you want to make things better or do you want to check off the box that says, “We tried therapy and it didn’t work”? Make a conscious decision to be rigorously honest as you do the challenging work of relationship rebuilding.
2. Tell your spouse that you want to work on your marriage. Show your own hand first. Share your vulnerability. Disclose your wish for your intimate connection to be stronger. Then ask your partner how they feel about the issue and if they are willing to participate in the therapy.
3. Work collaboratively with your spouse regarding the selection of a therapist. I suggest you agree beforehand on a process of selecting a therapist. Do some research. Ask questions. One of you will make the phone calls, but it is important that you both agree that the person you work with is the right person. One “no” vote wins and you keep looking.
4. Choose a well-trained couples therapy specialist with whom you both feel comfortable. Interview at least two or three. A competent couples therapist (1) is trained in specific interventions that will interrupt destructive patterns; (2) is directive, a strong leader who will intervene rather than watch you argue; and (3) won’t sugarcoat the truth, but will guide you to a new way of being relational.
5. Be aware of the pitfalls of individual therapy for couples issues. When calling around, ask if the therapist is “marriage friendly” or if they are neutral about the institution. An individual therapist only hears one side; they need to understand the bigger picture of your relationship. Make sure your counselor’s biases line up with your own.
6. Set limits with friends. In some situations, it is appropriate and necessary to work on boundaries with friends and family members. Ask them to support you in ways that are truly supportive. Tell them that you want to fight for your marriage. Teach them how they can help you at this difficult time. Tell them it’s not helpful to predict that your life will be better without your spouse. If you’ve badmouthed your spouse to friends and family, apologize to them for the inappropriate disclosures.
7. Be honest. If you are certain you will end the relationship, tell your therapist. You will redefine successful therapy as ending the relationship well. Understand that if you are 99% sure that you wish to divorce, it is still valid to go to couples therapy. It is worth trying. Enter therapy with your heart soft and mind open.

There will be plenty of time to end things if divorce becomes inevitable. But as long as there is a tiny spark, you may be able to make your marriage healthy again.

Why should you fight for your marriage? Research shows happily married people are emotionally and physically healthier than their single counterparts. Married people are wealthier, less anxiety-prone, and less depressed. They have fewer suicides. Furthermore, people in a connected and cherishing partnership tend to have a stronger immune system, live longer, and have more sex. The mental and physical health benefits of being lovingly attached are well documented.

There will be plenty of time to end things if divorce becomes inevitable. But as long as there is a tiny spark, you may be able to make your marriage healthy again. If that’s difficult to imagine, give it a try. Find a therapist who can help you develop and hold a vision of how things could be. Remain open to the experience for at least 12 to 16 weeks.

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Think of it like this: Marriage is a little like climbing Mount Everest. You have to work hard for it. You have to prepare extensively for the experience of ascending the mountain. You’ll have trials throughout the endeavor. There will be legitimate reasons for some to end the climb before it’s over. But if you want to be among the finishers, you must find a way to stay with it even when it isn’t fun. If you want to stand triumphantly at the top, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Couples counseling might give you the courage to keep climbing.

Reference:

Waite, L., & Gallagher, M. (2000). The case for marriage: Why married people are happier, healthier, and better off financially. New York, NY: Broadway Books.

As parents and/or as mental health professionals, we might assume divorce always has a negative emotional impact on children. When children are exposed to chronic conflict between their parents, however, divorce may be a better choice for parents than staying together and continuing to expose children to the chronic conflict.

Living under one roof can be extremely stressful for parents who might otherwise consider divorce but are working hard to both keep the family together and meet financial obligations. The impact of this stress often contributes to chronic conflict among the parents, and when children are exposed to this conflict and stress, they experience stress themselves. [fat_widget_right]

Often the chronic conflict that occurs while the family is under one roof becomes the norm for children, who can be compared to barometers, or little instruments that measure atmospheric pressure. Children “measure” the conflict and stress, and their behavior often reflects what they experience.

How Are Children Affected by Chronic Conflict?

Children who experience distress as a result of chronic conflict between parents may be impacted negatively in a number of ways. As they grow up, they may lack role models for healthy relationships. When parents put all of their energy into the conflict existing between them, both the relationship with the children and the ability to parent may be impacted. If conflict is particularly harsh or volatile, children may learn and model a lack of respect for others. Often, children may also find it difficult to trust others or develop faith in healthy, positive relationships, and these effects may impact their adult relationships.

Children do much better when their parents are happy and doing well, physically and mentally. Sometimes finding this state of well-being and happiness requires ending the marriage or partnership.

When parents project the negative energy created by chronic conflict, children are more inclined to feel pressure to take sides, and they often absorb the negative energy projected by vocal fighting and arguing. Thus they are then placed in the position of having to deal with adult problems they shouldn’t be exposed to.

Separation of the parents can often relieve the stress at the root of the chronic conflict. When parents separate or divorce, there are certainly transitions and adjustments to be made by the children, and indeed the whole family, but the stresses of daily living under one roof are often relieved, and relationships among family members are likely to improve.

What Factors Determine How Well Children Adjust?

Parents who model positive relationship behaviors, including ending partnerships that are unhealthy, toxic, or simply not working out, can show their children everyone deserves to be in happy and healthy relationships. By not settling for less themselves, they can help their children learn to make similar choices.

Children do much better when their parents are happy and doing well, physically and mentally. Sometimes finding this state of well-being and happiness requires ending the marriage or partnership. If there is no way to reduce the level of conflict between parents, the children are unlikely to derive any benefit from their parents staying together when levels of relationship conflict are high and unlikely to lower.

Through my work with individuals in my practice, I have found three key factors typically determine how well children will adjust to divorce:

1. The quality of the relationship the children have with each parent prior to the divorce
2. The length of time the chronic conflict has occurred as well as the intensity of the conflict
3. The ability of the parents to make the needs of the children a priority during the divorce

Per my professional experience, it is the conflict and the quality of communication between the divorced parents, not the divorce itself or who the children live with, that is the largest factor determining how well children will adjust to the divorce. The mother’s attitude toward the father has a significant impact on the amount of time and the quality of time fathers have with their children after divorce. This is not to say it is the mother’s responsibility to ensure that fathers step up for their children. However, when one parent openly display a negative attitude toward the other parent, the likelihood of that parent withdrawing more from the children’s lives is increased. If this happens, the children will likely experience a negative emotional impact.

It is just as important for both parents (of any gender) to remain openly respectful and collaborate regarding the needs of the children. It is important for the parent without primary custody to make seeing their children consistently a priority, in order for a quality relationship to endure. Further, the parent paying child support should make certain to pay it in a timely manner and continue to take responsibility for continued involvement with their children’s schooling and activities (sports, lessons, performances, and so on).

Adolescents who have difficulty adjusting to divorce have typically experienced a lengthy period of high conflict both before and during the divorce. Adolescents who are able to adjust well typically come from a situation where parents collaborated and negotiated based on what was in the best interest of the children.

Positive Outcomes for Children

Per my observations from working with families affected by divorce or separation, the following are some positive results that can be the outcome for some children after divorce:

• Children often become more resilient and adaptable because they must develop coping strategies for adapting to different situations and to change.
• Due to the change in income often experienced, children often have to become more self-sufficient, as both parents are most likely working. Even when one parent was able to stay at home before the divorce, that parent will most likely need to work after the divorce, and children, accordingly, must often take more responsibility for household chores.
• Children who experience divorce are more likely to have increased empathy for others. When children who experience divorce observe others they care about having difficulty, it often resonates more, and they become more accepting of the various problems and situations experienced by others.
• Children are often able to have more quality time with each parent. Children from more traditional families often report being able to spend more time with their fathers after the divorce and experience benefit from that.
• Children develop a recognition for the significance of the commitment marriage requires. Children from divorce sometimes develop a deeper understanding of the stakes involved when deciding to marry. Some children, especially as they reach young adulthood, often decide they do not want to repeat the dynamic they saw in their parents’ relationships in their own relationships. They will often make special efforts to ensure their relationships are more stable and healthy as a result of experiencing chronic conflict between their parents and the resulting stress they experienced while growing up.

The bottom line is this: the happiness of our children, now or in the future, does not rest solely on the institution of marriage or divorce in and of themselves. Their happiness is based on routine, confidence in their relationships with their parents, and their perceptions of their parents as people of strong character. The fear of parental abandonment puts children at the greatest risk when there is chronic conflict and/or when divorce happens. Therefore, parents need to ensure, whether they stay married or decide to divorce, their relationships with their children are a top priority, primarily by including self-care and modeling healthy relationships. A qualified and compassionate professional can often be of assistance here!

References:

1. Mohi, G. W. (2015, September 22). Positive outcomes of divorce: A multi-method study on the effects of parental divorce on children. University of Central Florida Undergraduate Research Journal, 7(2). Retrieved from from https://www.urj.ucf.edu/docs/mohi.pdf.
2. Positive effects of divorce on children. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://divorce.laws.com/positive-effects-of-divorce-on-children
3. What are the effects of divorce on children? (n.d.). FamilyMeans. Retrieved from https://www.familymeans.org/effects-of-divorce-on-children.html

Marriage symbolizes the beginning of a (hopefully) lifelong commitment, so it makes sense couples tend to spend a lot of time and energy preparing for this milestone. Yet, while many engaged couples take their time researching the dos and don’ts of diamond buying, some do not spend enough time preparing for the inevitable difficult times they will experience while married.

Understanding how to better manage conflict is important not only for the well-being of a relationship, but also for each partner’s physical health. Unfortunately, couples often neglect to consider the “Four Cs” of conflict that are also predictors of divorce. Unlike the four Cs of diamonds (carat weight, cut, color, clarity), the “Four Cs” in this article are an adaptation of John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”—a theory that has enabled Dr. Gottman to predict divorce with about 91% accuracy.

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1. Criticism (Attacking Your Partner’s Character)

When we make a complaint, offer a suggestion, or simply make a request, it is important to be conscious of how we let our partners know what is bothering us or what we need them to do differently. Using a harsh approach or cutting words, versus owning our reactions and feelings and stating what we need, can make all the difference in how our partners respond.

Let’s say, for example, your partner is running late to an important dinner and you are feeling frustrated and maybe even disrespected. It would be easy to say something like, “You’re never on time. Why are you so inconsiderate?” While frustration is understandable, it is not likely you will receive a warm, apologetic response. Using absolute terms such as “always” and “never” tends to imply an attack on the other’s character rather than being specific to the situation.

This is the hallmark difference between a complaint and a criticism. Using language that feels like an attack rarely yields a pleasant or desired response.

2. Counterattack (Defensiveness)

It is an almost innately human response to counter a critical remark with some effort to defend ourselves. When someone shoots a verbal arrow at us, it seems intuitive to put up a shield. However, this response typically only perpetuates the cycle of conflict because it sends the underlying message the other person is the problem, not us. Thus, our partners may respond to our defensiveness with more criticism—or worse.

3. Contempt (the Best Predictor of Divorce)

Contempt refers to one partner’s attempts to appear superior to the other. It can include name-calling (“you are such an idiot!”), using humor in a hostile manner, sarcasm, mocking, and eye-rolling. When contempt becomes present in conflict, it is typically the result of deeply held negative feelings about the other that perhaps have not been expressed or acknowledged and addressed. The inherent message is one of disgust and discontent.

Contempt acts as a corrosive agent in relationships. A relationship cannot survive if it is continuously riddled with contempt. Every effort should be made by both partners to make sure it does not become part of the conflict cycle. Contempt is also dangerous because research suggests not only is it a predictor of divorce, but more physical health issues as well.

4. Complete Withdrawal (Stonewalling)

What often follows the pattern of criticism-defensiveness-contempt is a response called flooding, which implies a level of physical arousal that typically derails any attempt to communicate effectively. Flooding, in short, is the body switching into fight-or-flight mode, in which the sympathetic nervous system ramps us up as if we are facing physical danger. This typically looks like a pounding heart, sweaty palms, and eventually leads to the fourth “C,” complete withdrawal (or, as Dr. Gottman terms it, stonewalling).

If you notice withdrawal in your relationship, it may be helpful to offer to take a break, allowing your partner the time and space to calm down in order to effectively communicate.

When we get to a point of feeling flooded, our physical symptoms take over and we become physically unable to respond to our partner in a way that promotes effective communication or de-escalation of the conflict. Our energy becomes directed toward self-soothing and self-protective withdrawal. However, this state of great distress often goes unnoticed by our partners. This is not a fault of them being oblivious; flooding and subsequent stonewalling (complete withdrawal) often appear as someone sitting quietly and calmly but disengaged. Because the distress goes unnoticed, it is easy for the non-flooded partner to interpret the withdrawal as malicious intent to end the conversation. This can result in continued attacks (criticism) or even contempt, causing further damage to the relationship.

If you notice withdrawal in your relationship, it may be helpful to offer to take a break, allowing your partner the time and space to calm down in order to effectively communicate.

How to Intervene Before the ‘Four Cs’ Take Hold

Here are some strategies to try in order to prevent the “Four Cs” from taking hold in your relationship:

• Criticism: The best way to defend against using criticism is to use a gentle approach. Try being specific to the behavior and incident driving your frustration, and state how this makes you feel and what you need. Using the late-for-dinner example (see above), instead of the critical accusation of your partner “never being on time” and being “inconsiderate,” try “I’m feeling frustrated you were late tonight. This dinner is important to me. Next time, can you please try to leave work a few minutes earlier or let me know if you are running behind?”
• Counterattack: The best way to respond to a critical comment and stave off a defensive response is to take a breath and try to take an exploratory stance of understanding what your partner needs. This will allow your partner to feel heard, which may result in a softer tone. If you find your partner continues to use critical words despite your taking the “palms open” approach, gently point out you are feeling criticized and ask if they can rephrase what they are saying.
• Contempt: Avoiding contempt may come more naturally when both partners take time to develop a deeply held sense of fondness and admiration for one another, as well as comfort and safety in being able to work through the sticky areas that lead to complaints. Keep in mind, though, this is a more long-term solution. The short-term response is to take a break if you and your partner are in a conflict and you find yourself tempted to say hurtful words.
• Complete withdrawal: Whenever you feel flooded, self-soothe as needed. It may be physically impossible to communicate effectively if flooding takes over. Let your partner know you need a break. If you are noticing a withdrawing partner, offer to revisit the conversation after a set amount of time.

If you and your partner are struggling with any of these issues, don’t wait until they cause problems in your marriage to seek help. Consult a licensed couples counselor in your area.

References:

1. Gottman, J. M. (2014). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Psychology Press.
2. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.