Divorce can be a deeply challenging and emotional time for both parents and children. As a professional counselor, I understand the importance of ensuring that children feel loved, secure, and valued during this significant transition. Fostering self-love and using affirmations can be powerful tools to help children navigate their emotions and build resilience. Here are some compassionate strategies and affirmations to support children through a divorce. 

Strategies to Foster Self-Love in Children 

1. Open Communication
   Encouraging children to express their feelings is essential. Let them know that their emotions are valid and important. Create a safe space for them to talk openly about their thoughts and feelings. Remember, your active listening and reassurance can make a world of difference.
2. Consistent Routines
   Maintaining consistent daily routines can provide a much-needed sense of stability and security. Regular meal times, homework, playtime, and bedtime routines help children feel more in control during times of change, offering them a comforting sense of normalcy.
3. Quality Time
   Spending quality one-on-one time with your child is incredibly beneficial. Engage in activities they enjoy and show genuine interest in their hobbies and interests. This not only strengthens your bond but also reinforces their sense of worth and individuality.
4. Positive Reinforcement
   Acknowledge and praise your child’s efforts and achievements, no matter how small. Positive reinforcement can significantly boost their self-esteem and reinforce their sense of worth. Celebrating their successes helps them feel seen and appreciated.
5. Model Self-Love
   Children learn a great deal by observing their parents. Demonstrating self-love and self-care in your own life can encourage them to do the same. Prioritizing your well-being sets a powerful example for your child.
6. Discipline without Shame
   Discipline is an important aspect of parenting, but it’s crucial to ensure it doesn’t shame the child. Shaming can negatively impact their self-esteem and sense of worth. Instead, use positive and constructive discipline techniques.

Recommended Books for Parents 

For parents looking to deepen their understanding and practice of non-shaming discipline and positive affirmations, here are some highly recommended books: 

1. “No-Drama Discipline” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
   This book offers a compassionate approach to discipline, emphasizing the importance of connecting with your child and teaching them valuable life skills without resorting to shame. 

1. “The Whole-Brain Child” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
   This guide provides strategies to nurture a child’s developing mind, including techniques to encourage positive behavior and emotional resilience. 

1. “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
   This classic book offers practical advice on communicating with children in a way that fosters cooperation and mutual respect, avoiding shame and blame. 

1. “The Self-Driven Child” by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson
   This book explores ways to support children in developing autonomy and self-motivation, emphasizing the importance of unconditional support and encouragement. 

1. “The Conscious Parent” by Shefali Tsabary
   This book encourages parents to look within and transform their own behaviors to raise emotionally healthy children, focusing on empathy and connection. 

Affirmations for Children 

Affirmations are positive statements that can help children build confidence and resilience. Encourage your child to repeat these affirmations daily or write them down in a journal. Here are some affirmations that can be particularly helpful for children experiencing their parent’s divorce: 

• I am loved and valued. 

• I am strong and can handle change. 

• I deserve to be happy and feel safe. 

• I am capable of great things. 

• I am proud of who I am. 

• I am surrounded by people who care about me. 

• I have the power to create a positive future. 

• I am brave and can face any challenge. 

• I trust myself and my feelings. 

• I am important and my voice matters. 

Activities to Reinforce Affirmations 

1. Affirmation Jar
   Creating an affirmation jar can be a fun and uplifting daily ritual. Use colorful paper and let your child decorate the jar. Drawing a positive affirmation each day can help start or end the day on a positive note.
2. Affirmation Cards
   Design affirmation cards together. Use markers, stickers, and drawings to make the cards visually appealing. Keep these cards in a place where your child can easily access them, such as by their bed or in their backpack.
3. Mirror Affirmations
   Encourage your child to stand in front of a mirror and repeat their affirmations. This can help reinforce their positive self-image and boost their confidence before starting the day.
4. Affirmation Art
   Engage in creative activities like drawing, painting, or crafting affirmations. Displaying their affirmation art around the house can constantly remind them of their strengths and positive qualities.
5. Bedtime Routine
   Incorporating affirmations into your child’s bedtime routine can promote a sense of calm and security. Have them repeat affirmations before sleep, paired with other calming activities like reading a bedtime story or listening to soothing music.

Conclusion 

Navigating divorce can be a challenging experience for children, but fostering self-love and using affirmations can provide them with the emotional tools they need to thrive. By maintaining open communication, providing stability, and reinforcing positive self-beliefs, parents can support their children in developing resilience and a strong sense of self-worth. These strategies not only help children cope with the immediate challenges of divorce but also equip them with lifelong skills for emotional well-being. 

Putting Kids First: Choosing Martial Partnerships and Co-Parenting over Divorce

As many couples find out the hard way, the spark that led to them falling in love and getting married doesn’t always last forever. 

Should you find yourself in such a scenario, you typically have three options:  

• Work on repairing the relationship. 
• File for divorce. 
• Give a marital partnership or co-parenting a try. 

While splitting up is difficult for any couple, it’s much harder when kids are in the picture because of the way they might respond to the situation. It’s not uncommon, for example, for some children to think that they themselves are the reason their parents are getting divorced. 

To be sure, divorce is definitely warranted in some cases — particularly if you’re keen on dissolving legal bonds with your spouse. If you simply can’t get along with your partner any longer, you may be better off divorcing so that you don’t expose your kids to chronic conflict, which can have disastrous effects on their development.  

That said, a clear-cut divorce isn’t always the best option. To give their children the love and support they need to grow up to be healthy, contributing members of society, more and more couples are embracing alternative approaches to parenthood. 

Should We Stay Together? Lifestyle Alternatives to Divorce 

According to the New York Times, divorce rates have been on a downward trend of late. On one hand, this is due to the uncertainty of the pandemic, as couples decide to weather the storm together. On the other, it’s because more and more parents are pursuing more modern types of relationships, including marital partnerships and co-parenting agreements.  

Marital partnerships 

Also known as a parenting marriage, a marital partnership is a non-romantic marriage where the parents stay together and live as a family for the sake of their children. Also known as a parenting marriage (a concept developed by Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW), a marital partnership is a non-romantic marriage where the parents stay together and live as a family for the sake of their children. From the outside, a parenting marriage looks exactly the same as a traditional marriage. When you’re in a parenting marriage, you still go out to dinner and the movies together as a family, for example. 

Though they are difficult for both spouses, marital partnerships deliver a number of benefits to children. Not only do they ensure kids have a consistent, stable upbringing, but they also ensure that both parents are present during important activities and events. 

Co-parenting 

Of course, living with someone you’re no longer in love with doesn’t necessarily appeal to everyone. Depending on the circumstances leading to the split, it might not even be worth it to even try.  

In these circumstances, it’s still possible to maintain a healthy, civil relationship with your spouse after a divorce by embracing a concept called co-parenting, which is also known as platonic parenting. 

Like the name suggests, platonic parenting is the process of two parents coming together amicably to raise their kids together. While parents might get legally divorced and live in different places, they both raise their kids together, seeing each other often in both public and private settings. This provides the stability and continuity kids need to lead healthy lives. 

Co-parenting is not without its challenges. Chief among them is the fact that co-parents need to be respectful to each other at all times and never disparage their ex in front of their kids. But with the right approach to co-parenting, you can teach your kids great lessons about constructive problem-solving and how to communicate effectively while also reducing the stress and anxiety that would result from a more significant split. 

What Do Kids Really Need from Their Parents? 

At the end of the day, whether you decide to work on your marriage, try a parenting marriage, or become co-parents ultimately is not all that important. What matters most is that you are able to give your kids the childhood they deserve. 

Whatever approach you take, it’s important to keep your kids safe, listen to them and spend time with them, and provide affection, order, and consistency. You also need to set and enforce limits, understand how your children spend their free time, and stay on top of any medical and mental health concerns. 

If you’re in a hard place in your relationship and don’t know what to do, all hope isn’t lost. Talking to a therapist can help you figure out the best path forward. The right therapist will be able to help you determine what you want, what aligns with your values, and how to make it happen in a healthy way that doesn’t hurt your children. 

Ready to give therapy a try? Search for a qualifed therapist in your community today. 

By Bren M. Chasse, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

The Art of Effective Co-Parenting

“Co-parenting is not a competition. It’s a collaboration of two homes working together with the best interest of the child at heart.” — Heather Hetchler

In a day and age where long-term marriages are the exception and not the rule, the issue of co-parenting is one I see every day. In fact, my practice is overflowing with families trying to navigate the challenges of effective co-parenting. Even the most amicable divorce can trigger feelings of abandonment, anger, betrayal, grief, and loss—all difficult emotions to navigate. Supporting your children through these difficult emotions while simultaneously experiencing them can feel almost impossible at times.

Co-Parenting Is Hard

Let me begin by saying the art of effective co-parenting is not an easy topic, nor is it by any means an easy task! The feelings following separation or divorce are often still very raw—and may be exacerbated if the end of the relationship was characterized by a high level of conflict. Working cooperatively with someone you no longer hold in the highest regard can be very difficult—but your children are counting on you to put your own feelings aside to attend to their needs. 

Co-Parenting Is Worth It

Effective co-parenting mandates a level of maturity and strength that requires each partner to put their egos aside and come together to present a united front to the children. Your little humans are looking to you both to assure them that, regardless of changes in the family structure or dynamics in your relationship with each other, they can count on you to provide structure, consistency, safety, protection from conflict and other adult matters, and a sense of grounded stability. They are counting on you to work as a cohesive team. I’m not suggesting that you and your co-parent have to remain best friends. What I am recommending is that you find a way to unify and come together around your children to ensure both of you consistently meet their needs—and sometimes this means stepping up your game and redefining your definition of teamwork with your co-parent so that your ability to meet your children’s needs together exceeds your ability to do so when you shared an intimate relationship. 

Five Tips for Effective Co-Parenting

#1: Never let your children hear you speak negatively about your co-parent. 

This is one of the most common and most damaging things I see occur in dysfunctional co-parenting relationships. Under most circumstances, children experience love and a deep, primal connection to both parents. Even at a young age, they understand that they are a product of you both. Making disparaging comments about your co-parent may cause your child to question your love for them. It also puts your child in a position to feel as though they must defend their other parent. I guarantee they will grow to resent you for this over time. Overtly or covertly expressing your disapproval for your co-parent to your children causes them to feel trapped in the middle of the conflict and responsible for negotiating co-parenting issues, an adult responsibility for which they are ill-equipped. Children should never be tasked with negotiating issues between their parents.  

#2: Enforce the expectation that your children respect you both. 

Building on the first tip, it’s equally important to enforce an expectation that your children respect not only your parental authority but also that of your co-parent. This can be challenging, as you want to allow a space for your children to freely express the big emotions they are experiencing. At the same time, teaching your children how to express these emotions appropriately is an important life skill. Children of divorce will often test the limits of the co-parenting relationship by expressing feelings of hatred toward one parent or another. It’s important to challenge your child to identify that they may be frustrated or hate one parent’s behavior but that it’s not appropriate to make disparaging remarks toward or about their parent. When this occurs, children are often attempting to determine if you remain aligned with your co-parent when it comes to matters concerning them or if there is a crack in the alignment that they may be able to exploit. Children do not engage in this behavior with malicious intent. Instead, they are seeking validation that they remain safe and protected from any challenges between you and your co-parent.

#3: Be consistent in the rules and expectations between homes. 

This requires frequent and effective communication. If your child gets in trouble at one home, the other parent must enforce the consequences when your child returns. For example, if your daughter loses “screen time” for two days for talking disrespectfully to her mom, it’s essential you enforce the punishment if it falls during the time she is in your care. By doing so, you prevent your daughter from splitting your united front and capitalizing on any conflict between you and your co-parent. My Parental Handoff Worksheet may help support effective communication and positive exchanges between homes.

#4: Show up—ALWAYS show up! 

Showing up is one of the most important things you can do for your child. Do not make your child choose which parent will attend major milestones and life events—and don’t trade off. Not only will you miss out on some of your child’s most important moments, but they will as well. Your child doesn’t want to have to sacrifice when it comes to the defining moments in their lives; don’t make them. Even at a young age, your children expect that you can put any anger, ego, or resentment toward your co-parent aside to celebrate them—particularly in the big moments. Your child needs to know that they are so precious to you that you’re willing to put your feelings aside and be a little uncomfortable for an afternoon. They need to know they can trust you will always show up when it really matters. 

#5: Recognize if you and your co-parenting partner need additional support! 

Raising children to thrive in their environment is a challenge under the best circumstances. Reaching out for support, and doing it early, doesn’t suggest a parenting fail—instead, it suggests you understand the stakes are high and you aren’t willing to take any chances with your child’s well-being. There are resources available to support you through a difficult process; make use of them. 

When Your Co-Parent Isn’t Onboard

Of course, what I’ve said up to this point speaks to the ideal situation after divorce or separation. But what happens when one parent is willing to do the work and the other parent is not? The answer is simple but often painfully to execute—you never give up hope. Continue to move forward parenting your child in the best way possible because you and your child deserve and need to heal. At the same time, you leave the door open to the other parent with the hope that they will one day do their own work and be willing to sit at the table with you. It’s ok to be frustrated and angry because it’s really not fair—but at the end of the day, kids don’t care about fair; they need you to be present and always show up for them. When you become a parent, it’s no longer about you—your priority becomes your child’s needs and best interest. You will make mistakes along the way. Your children don’t need you to be perfect; they need you to never give up and always love them unconditionally and unapologetically.

Infographic Provided By Goldberg Law Office

References

Hetchler, H. (2014, September 26-28).  Full-time stepmom [Conference session]. The Stepmom Retreat, Asheville, NC, United States.

Changes in your life and relationships, even good ones, can present a real challenge. If you’re struggling, you don’t have to do it alone. Find a therapist in your area today.