A Real Look at Mommy Wine Culture

If you are an adult, especially if you’re a parent, you have probably heard of mommy wine culture, though perhaps not by that name. Mommy wine culture basically makes using alcohol to cope with your day as a parent an accepted, even celebrated, part of modern life. Many moms – and parents, more generally – can feel trapped and overwhelmed by stress and the pressure to “keep up appearances.” Mommy wine culture purports to be a solution to this problem. But is it?

What Is Mommy Wine Culture?

You’ve seen the wine glasses, coozies, and other swag emblazoned with phrases like “Mommy needs a drinky,” “Mommy Juice,” or “Mommy Therapy.” These are meant to be a joke about how primary care givers need the escape of alcohol to cope with a long day of caring for their children. An SNL skit just last month highlighted the mommy wine culture phenomenon and hinted at some of the painful problems inherent in it.

In practice, there are a variety of ways this culture is lived out, most of which are more subtle than the tchotchkes above. Some people drink throughout the day, even while driving. There might be vodka in that travel mug with a teabag tag hanging out of it, whiskey stashed under the driver’s seat, sangria in the big cup from the gas station soda fountain on the kitchen island. Some people might drink to or past intoxication during naptime or after the kids are down for the night.

Mommy wine culture might be covering up a much more difficult truth, alcohol dependency.

The Appeal of the Wine Mom

Socializing

The “wine mom” life seems desirable because it is an easy way to connect to others. It is not just moms that view a glass of wine or a cocktail as a way to unwind after a stressful day. Most of contemporary society agrees with that idea. Mommy wine culture seems desirable because it feels like a way to connect and unwind with other mothers, who might be experiencing the same stress you are.

Relaxation

Being a parent is hard. There is no argument there. Many parents view mommy wine culture as a means of relaxation, a way to disconnect from or dampen the stress of being a parent. They do not view it as dangerous or negative. Instead, they view it as their only true way to let go of everything they carry so they can just be.

Deeper Issues with Mommy Wine Culture

Alcohol Dependency

We tend to think alcoholism = alcohol dependency = binge drinking. While someone could struggle with any number of these issues, none of those terms are actually equivalent to any of the others.

• Alcoholism, also termed “alcohol abuse disorder,” is an addiction. This means that the element of choice is no longer in play. There is a chemical dependency involved that overrides the will. Alcohol has actually changed the brain of the person with alcohol abuse disorder.
• Alcohol dependency is more of a habit in the traditional sense – it’s not a compulsion, and the person who is alcohol dependent has the power to make choices about their drinking. Alcohol dependency can lead to alcoholism.
• Binge drinking is the act of consuming a large amount of alcohol in a short time. In the United States, binge drinking is defined as drinking enough in two hours to raise one’s blood alcohol content (BAC) to 0.08%. On average, this means consuming four drinks in two hours for women and five drinks in two hours for men. Interestingly, binge drinking is not necessarily connected to alcohol abuse disorder or alcohol dependency.

(To learn about CDC recommendations for the consumption of alcohol, check out their article Alcohol Use and Your Health.)

Female alcohol dependence and alcoholism often go unnoticed in American society. The good news is that help is available for anyone who wants it, no matter which of these issues they face.

To find a someone who can help you deal with problematic drinking, search for a therapist in your area and filter your results by Alcohol/Addiction Issues. To find a facility where you can get help if your problem is acute, search for an RTC (or Rehab Treatment Center) in our directory.

Effects on Children

Mommy wine culture tells a story about parenthood, and children are often quick to pick up on stories. This story tells that, while parenting is precious, it’s also unbearably awful, and that, because children are so [active, clingy, demanding, annoying, exhausting, boring – fill your own flavor in here], parents are desperate to escape. The more time a parent spends with their child, the more they need alcohol to cope with it all.

This story is probably not one you want to pass on to your children. That being their parent, that being with them is just the worst; that they are the reason you drink; the belief that alcohol is the only option when you can’t physically run away – these are ideas that yield hard and bitter fruit. And the idea that using alcohol (or any other substance) is a healthy, sustainable way to keep stress at bay could encourage the same attitude in your children.

Self-Medication

Any form of self-medication is questionable, especially one that is known to be addictive and damaging. Parents who use alcohol to self-medicate instead of growing in the ability to regulate their emotions are choosing a short-term solution that can have very negative consequences. This is true for anyone who turns to a substance to solve their problems.

It’s okay to lack the skills needed to handle something in your life – stress, responsibility, anxiety, whatever it is. We all have areas where we need to grow. Therapy is a great resource for that growth. Therapists have a toolbox full of strategies and interventions that can help you become more capable, more resilient, more steadfast, and they are eager to share them with you in a helpful way. But just as it would not be okay to neglect a child because you felt overwhelmed, it’s not healthy to use substances as a way to escape your feelings. Reach out for help. It’s waiting for you.

Long-Term Health Damage

A long-term relationship with alcohol can be destructive to one’s health. People who drink heavily or addictively are putting themselves at risk for a variety of health issues down the line.

Toward a Healthier Relationship with Alcohol

Become Aware

Bringing awareness to this issue is the first step toward change. We need to take this prettied-up version of alcohol dependency off its pedestal. Start by noticing and asking questions.

Explore Other Kinds of Relationships with Alcohol

Research and explore how other cultures, other families, and other parents incorporate (or don’t incorporate) alcohol in healthy, non-dependent ways. Ask friends or find groups online of folks who practice these alternatives to learn more about these options. Consider which of these options might be best suited to you. You can even try them on for size.

You can also just leave alcohol behind if it’s not serving you. Sobriety is on the rise, as is a “sober-curious” movement. Some cultures and religions eschew alcohol entirely as well. You won’t be the only one.

Pursue Mental Health

Struggling with mental health concerns is the root of mommy wine culture. Whether you’re dealing with stress, anxiety, depression, or any other mental health issues, drinking will not solve the problem. It may make it worse. But help is available. Click through to find a mental health professional who can help you.

Finding support as you strive to deal with addiction or dependency is important. You have options. Learn more about where to find support, what to look for in a rehab treatment facility, how to find an addictions specialist, how to help a friend, how people recover from addiction, and so much more in other articles on our blog.

References

https://www.webmd.com/connect-to-care/addiction-treatment-recovery/alcoholism-vs-alcohol-dependence

https://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/about-alcohol-use/index.html

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I hope you can help me with something. Recently I decided I don’t want to drink anymore. I was never a big drinker to begin with and don’t have an alcohol problem, but when I hung out with my friends, I would often have two or three drinks, which is fairly typical for everyone in our group. But even though it feels good in the moment and makes me more social, I don’t like the way I feel after drinking alcohol, and that’s increasingly true as I get older (I just turned 35). It pretty much ruins the next day for me, as I barely feel like getting out of bed, let alone leaving my apartment.

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This is a hard decision for me because I really like my friends and I don’t expect them to not drink around me. But it feels weird sometimes to be the only person who isn’t drinking—almost like I’m the one person who isn’t in on the joke. It’s just not as fun. I also don’t want to feel pressured to drink, even though I know my friends wouldn’t actively try to get me to do something I wasn’t comfortable with. Likewise, I also don’t want my friends to feel pressured to not drink just because I choose to abstain. I’m worried they will think I think they have a problem or that I am judging them.

What do you think I should do? —Sober Thoughts

Dear Sober,

Congratulations on a mature decision. I guess I have my own sober thought, which is (with all due respect to your friends): are there any social activities to choose from besides imbibing, especially at 35? I can understand this as the focus at 25, but as one’s 30s roll around, the “party” kind of peters out and new responsibilities—work, family, etc.—eke into the foreground. It sounds like this is where you are going with your admirable decision, quite appropriate for someone a few years from 40.

Of course, this is a generalization, and there are some professions—journalism, entertainment, trading, and tech, to name a few—where “getting drinks” can be almost ritualistic. But many folks in those professions are sober, or can have one or two and then head home, in some cases to their partner or kids. The focus becomes less the booze than the socializing. Plus, as you astutely state, as we get older it often gets harder to shake off liquor’s aftereffects.

Are there any alternatives for your group besides drinking? I would think your friends would support your decision, and wonder why you wouldn’t tell them. (More on that in a moment.)

I can understand feeling like the “odd person out” if you are not partaking. Though I can’t imagine that, if they truly are friends, they would mind trying something different now and again, especially if you are in a city. There are plenty of ways to hang out or blow off steam: music, readings, dancing, theater, comedy clubs, etc.

If the main focus of this gang is the liquor, that itself is worth a ponder. Perhaps it’s worth expanding your social circle in any event; try going online and finding a hiking group or even a language, photography, or cooking class (or whatever moves you). Perhaps you could get more involved with local community or, if you’re so inclined, religious or spiritual activities. Familiarity and routine can be comforting, but may also keep our worlds smaller than is needed.

Perhaps you fear feeling rejected or seen as “wimpy” for not drinking. You don’t sound judgmental and your decision is sound; anyone judging you is not much of a friend.

I am intuiting that this group may be a holdover from college, or that you work together? True friendships would have more than only that in common; the underlying anxiety in your question makes me wonder if you are concerned you’ll be alone if you lose this group, though again, if they are not willing to be flexible, how reliable are they? Perhaps you fear feeling rejected or seen as “wimpy” for not drinking. You don’t sound judgmental and your decision is sound; anyone judging you is not much of a friend.

I can share with you some personal experience, which parallels others’ experience, though my situation is slightly different than yours. When I got sober and began recovery, with an alcohol problem that had me at the end of my rope, only two people protested that sobriety was “going overboard”; one smoked marijuana regularly, while the other had a problem (long hidden) with “downers.” The rest of my friends were congratulatory and flexible in joining me in new activities. It was something of a revelation that they were happy to see me and not the bottle.

In fact, I was shocked to discover most people truly don’t care about another’s drinking, and most don’t get smashed at social occasions. The latter was truly revelatory to me. Even now, at intimate dinner parties, it’s rare that anyone comments on (or even notices!) my having juice rather than wine.

I find that as we get older, the time we get to spend with our friends becomes more and more precious as our lives fill up with more responsibilities, especially if we start a family. It’s good to be able to savor it as much as we can. (Is dating a goal or interest of yours, by the way? I am sure any worthy partner would respect your decision.)

Finally, I detect anxiety in your decision about your effect on others. Contrary to many self-help affirmations (such as “I don’t need anyone’s approval”), most of us do care—at least a little—about how others perceive us. But there comes a time when we have to decide what’s best for us … and see who stands by us. It is not always an easy choice, and I wonder if you are beholden to the opinions of the group in a way that limits your choices. If so, it might be worth some non-critical self-reflection as to why. It has taken me quite some time to finally accept that we cannot control how or what others think of us, even when we prefer those thoughts to be positive.

Any friendship worth its salt relies—to some degree, at least—on flexibility and empathy. It sounds like you have good reasons to set aside the booze to improve the quality of your life, and for that you are to be commended. My hope is you find that your friends are more supportive than you think.

Kind regards,

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT

Did you know one of the main predictors for having a substance use disorder is experiencing trauma?

A quick internet search yields many definitions of trauma. I think the simplest definition is this: an emotional response to a terrible event.

Note I did not specify what type of event or what type of response. These are all individualized. What might be traumatic for me could have little or no impact on you. A person experiencing trauma is in the best position to define their experience based on what they are thinking, feeling, and going through.

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In one survey of adolescents receiving treatment for substance use, more than 70% had a history of trauma exposure. Teens who experienced physical or sexual abuse were three times as likely to use substances than those who had not. And 59% of young people with posttraumatic stress (PTSD) develop substance use disorders.

Another study found 60% to 80% of Vietnam veterans seeking PTSD treatment have alcohol use issues. They tend to binge drink in response to memories of trauma. Of further concern, veterans over the age of 65 who have PTSD are at a higher risk of attempting suicide if they also have an alcohol use disorder and/or depression.

People who experience trauma and PTSD often turn to alcohol and other substances to manage the intense flood of emotions and traumatic reminders. They may also use it to try to numb themselves. Drugs and alcohol may initially dull the effects of trauma and help manage associated distress, but a dangerous cycle may begin.

After a traumatic event, a person may drink to deal with anxiety, depression, and irritability. Typically, alcohol initially seems to relieve these symptoms. When we experience a traumatic event, the brain releases endorphins that help numb the physical and emotional pain of the event. This is our body naturally helping us cope.

However, this interrupts the natural protective function the body was already doing. As a result, we create a type of emotional withdrawal that can set us up to deal with increased and prolonged distress that could lead to the development of posttraumatic stress.

Drinking may have been the “solution” you turned to, but it is likely making things worse. We will not take that coping skill away until we teach you new ones.

Drinking often can contribute to PTSD symptoms and increase irritability, depression, and feeling off guard. Some drink to deal with insomnia that results from anxiety, anticipating nightmares, and circular thinking. Drinking actually impairs the quality of your sleep, however, setting up a destructive cycle. Trying to avoid memories of trauma can make them emerge in your sleep. Drinking also can make therapy less effective because you are not allowing yourself to effectively deal with trauma in a safe, healthy setting with a trained professional.

People who use substances may be less able to cope with a traumatic event. They may have increased difficulty with emotional and behavioral regulation. When chemical use starts, development gets significantly impaired. As a result, the person may be more likely to engage in risky behaviors that can lead to additional trauma.

The combination of trauma and drinking can increase challenges related to getting close to people and having conflicts with the people you do have a relationship with. Heavy drinking often leads to a confused and disorderly life. The very thing a person needs is support and connection, yet those are often damaged as a result of drinking consequences and behaviors.

A good therapist knows drinking is generally not THE problem. It is usually a symptom of another problem. Often, the problem is trauma. In such cases, drinking is not generally about having fun. It is about managing the pain of what you are dealing with.

Effective treatment of trauma does not mean you have to talk about what happened. We don’t want you to reexperience it. That probably happens enough. We focus more on how it is affecting you today. Drinking may have been the “solution” you turned to, but it is likely making things worse. We will not take that coping skill away until we teach you new ones. There are many other, more effective ways to deal with the past than drinking.

References:

1. Bombardier, C.H., & Turner, A. (2009). Alcohol and Traumatic Disability. In R. Frank & T. Elliott (Eds.), The Handbook of Rehabilitation Psychology, Second Edition (pp. 241–258). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association Press.
2. Khooury, L., Tang, Y. L., Bradley, B., Cubells, J. F., & Ressler, K. J. (2010). Substance Use, Childhood Traumatic Experience, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in an Urban Civilian Population. Depression and Anxiety. 27(12): 1077–1086.
3. National Child Traumatic Stress Network. (2008). Understanding Links Between Adolescent Trauma and Substance Abuse: A Toolkit for Providers, Second Edition. United States of America.
4. Trauma and Violence. (2015). Retrieved from https://www.samhsa.gov/trauma-violence
5. Volpicelli, J., Balaraman, G., Hahn, J., Wallace, H., & Bux, D. (1999). The Role of Uncontrollable Trauma in the Development of PTSD and Alcohol Addiction. Alcohol Research and Health, 23(4), 256-262.