by Nicole Urdang, MS, NCC, DHM, LMHC, in Buffalo, New York

Maiden, Mother & Crone Archetypes for Mental Health

You don’t have to be a neopaganist to appreciate the beauty of the ancient archetypes of Maiden, Mother, and Crone. Each life phase has its own role and responsibilities, and each is valued equally.

An Overview

The Maiden

The innocent and energetic maiden explores life with young eyes. It’s a time of firsts: first period, love interest, dreams, and passions. This age is marked by curiosity about almost everything. It’s a time of discovery, early exploration of the self, and choosing initial life paths.

The Mother

The mother archetype does not just refer to women who give birth or choose to adopt. This age is marked by a deepening awareness of maternal, loving, giving, feminine energy. This nurturing can appear in creative endeavors, parenting, social connections, and learning. It has a vibrancy and strong forward-moving energy. Perimenopause occurs in the latter part of this phase. Here, the tasks are sharing knowledge, mentoring, greater or lesser community involvement, and reflecting on the past, present, and future.

The Crone

The crone archetype is notable for the way it integrates what has preceded it. Physically, it is marked by menopause. While physical energy may have waned, there is a trove of life experience on which to draw. New possibilities include more time for introspection, greater self-confidence, stillness, greater interest in meditation, and a newfound appreciation of the simplest pleasures.

It can also be a time of grieving — not just of the aging process, itself, but of other losses as well. This allows space to let go of past patterns, roles, and dreams that may no longer be possible. The greatest gift of the crone is feeling freer and safer to be oneself.

Engaging with These Archetypes

By embracing each stage as you progress through life, you inhabit your truest self and prepare for the next phase.

While no life transition is especially easy to navigate, women entering the third age have a particularly difficult time in our culture as we are bombarded by messages that say we should stay young. Exactly the opposite advice that would help us move forward.

As with most life decisions, there are no cookie-cutter answers about how to live in each phase. One woman’s choices might be completely wrong for another. The hard part of continuing to evolve into your unique self is deeply listening to your own inner guides. Of course, they sometimes pepper you with conflicting messages, but if you’re patient and willing to wait, the path becomes clear.

Want help making peace with your life or support as you make hard decisions? Search for a therapist who can help.

Reflections on Cronehood

I was sitting in the park yesterday, the paradigm of a little old lady on a bench, and I felt an incredible sense of freedom. With no pressure to be physically appealing to anybody and not looking for anyone to complete me, I felt fully myself. It was a glorious experience. Embracing my cronehood. Who knew?

Every single thing I have ever been led to believe about being an old woman evaporated in that moment. I felt seen. People smiled at me, and one young man sat with me to chat for a little while.

I like to remind myself that Yoda and ET weren’t beautiful, yet they were wise, loving, and fully present — not to mention respected and loved.

In my younger years, I enjoyed many aspects of the maiden and mother roles. Now, it’s time to take off those mantles and allow this stage to unfold. I have no interest in chasing a youth that at 68 is truly behind me. And what is “young at heart” anyway? I want to be wise, compassionate, generous, and kind at heart. I couldn’t give a rat’s meow about being or looking young. I want to be what I am: an old woman.

It’s hard, though. The media show me pictures of women my age who — through all sorts of machinations — look a lot younger. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be vibrant and healthy, but I can be those things at 68 and look my age. I don’t want to be young again. Been there, done that. What’s interesting is discovering this third age. I love sharing my experience of 45+ years as a holistic psychotherapist.

Life Wisdom for the Crone

Someone very wise once said to me that if I were comfortable with my choices, the chances are other people would be, too. Not only have I found that to be true, but by living my most authentic life I give people a cosmic permission slip to live theirs.

We all need examples of what’s possible. Thankfully, I have seen other older women do their own thing and find it incredibly inspiring. I can only hope my ways will inspire people to feel good about their choices, even when they go against the prevailing societal tides.

This third age can be a fertile time full of discovery. That may manifest as trying new things externally, plumbing your own depths, or a combination of both.

For many women, it might entail long periods of rest. Even though that can feel “unproductive,” it may prove to be just the peaceful, healing break your body-mind-spirit needs.

Aging with Awareness and Self-Compassion

Like an old injury that still might be seen in a faint scar on your body, some things naturally lessen over time. Other issues, like childhood trauma, keep paying emotional dividends. It’s never too late to get good therapy. You can evolve until you drop the body.

One of the biggest challenges in life is fully accepting whatever stage you’re in and allowing the present to unfold with new possibilities. This process can happen as we grow out of things naturally and organically, or through therapy.

When it comes to entering the crone age and swimming against the tide of our youth-oriented culture, that may entail a conscious, concerted effort to be your true self. This is never easy. It’s even more challenging when you’re aging in an age-denying society where media bombards you 24 hours a day. Still, it can be done. The effort is worth the reward of authenticity. In addition, you can be a beacon to younger people by showing them what it means to age with some measure of grace and acceptance.

Of course, it’s also important to be honest about the challenges of aging, just as it is to be present with the tasks of maidenhood and motherhood. No stage is easy, but by navigating them with awareness and not hiding behind a facade of everything being all good all the time, we can support each other in a new compassionate way. 

Finding a therapist who can help you navigate the challenges of life’s bumps, twists, and turns can be incredibly helpful to embracing the stage you’re in. Search for therapists in your area, then narrow your search using the filters on the left of your search results. If you’re looking for help with accepting your cronehood, you might use the Common Specialties filter, selecting All other issues > Aging and Geriatric Issues to see your options.

Talking to Your Boomer Parents About Therapy 

While the stigma surrounding mental health has dissipated in recent years, many members of society — and the older generation, in particular — are still reluctant to seek out the help they need. 

For example, one recent study found that while two out of every three baby boomers live with mental health issues, many brush them off entirely. More specifically, 27 percent don’t tell anyone about their symptoms, and 22 percent believe that these conditions aren’t serious. 

This makes perfect sense given that boomers, who were born between 1946 and 1964, grew up in a time when mental illness was generally a taboo topic. Many of this generation were raised to think that it was wrong to talk about perceived “weaknesses” and that they should toughen up and deal with these issues internally.  

Unfortunately, this isn’t the best approach.  

If you’re wondering how to deal with a parent with mental illnesses, you’ve come to the right place. Before we examine what you can do, specifically, to encourage your parents to give therapy a try, let’s take a step back and take a look at some of the major drivers of mental health issues in baby boomers. 

What Causes Mental Health Issues in Baby Boomers? 

While some baby boomers might have struggled with mental health illnesses their whole lives, others may develop new conditions as time goes on. 

Here are some of the most common conditions boomer parents face — as well as some of the reasons why they come to the surface in the first place: 

• Depression. Whether boomers are losing their mobility in their older years, have chronic debilitating conditions, or are dealing with the loss of loved ones, it’s not uncommon for them to develop depression in their later years. Similarly, some parents might also look back on their lives and see that they didn’t live up to their potential, made mistakes, or are still angry about something that happened decades ago, and it puts them in a dark place.
   
• Anxiety. A traumatic event (e.g., a car accident), social isolation (e.g., children growing up and visiting less frequently), or financial concerns that come from a loss of a full-time income can cause some boomers to suffer from anxiety disorders. To this end, it comes as no surprise that one study found that 40 percent of boomers said they were anxious or depressed during the COVID-19 pandemic.
   
• Substance abuse. With fewer responsibilities on their plates and more free time on their hands — and perhaps a bit of depression and anxiety thrown into the mix — it follows that some boomers develop substance abuse issues in their later years. Luckily, with therapy and determination, it’s possible to overcome these addictions.
   
• Dementia. According to the Alzheimer’s Research Association, one in eight baby boomers will get Alzheimer’s at some point in their lives, with 1 million individuals being diagnosed with the condition each year. While we’re optimistic our loved ones won’t be impacted directly, the odds that this will happen increase over time.  

In addition to these, boomers can also deal with interpersonal struggles as their relationships take on new dynamics. For example, a father’s “little girl” might be 50 all of a sudden, raising a family of her own while also taking care of dad as a member of the sandwich generation. In such a scenario, it can be difficult for some dads to understand how the father-daughter relationship has changed and respond appropriately to the associated developments. 

The good news is that — though aging boomer parents might develop mental illnesses — all hope isn’t lost. 

If you’re caring for aging parents with mental illness or other issues, here are some tactics you can use to help your parents sit down with a geriatric mental health counselor and get treatment. 

How to Deal with a Parent with Mental Illness 

Ensuring your loved one gets the help they need to keep their condition in check or even conquer it altogether starts with getting your mom or dad to buy into the promise of therapy. And this means that you will have to be direct with them and confront them on the issue sooner than later. 

For the best results, approach the situation with love and be as supportive as you possibly can. At the end of the day, you have to remember that you can’t force anyone to go to therapy if they absolutely don’t want to go — which means it might take some convincing to get boomer parents to finally oblige. 

As you begin making your pitch, tell your parents that while you respect their autonomy and everything they’ve done for you over the years, you’re sensing some issues they’re dealing with, and you love them and want to do everything you can to help them live their best lives. Gently suggest that they might want to consider talking to an experienced therapist about their issues a couple times to see whether the experience is worthwhile. 

No one has a better idea about how Mom or Dad might react better than you. At this stage in the conversation, you’ll want to be as empathetic as possible, turning on your active listening skills to really see things from their perspective and fully understand the emotions they’re dealing with. Don’t judge them and don’t give them advice. Just listen to understand. Once they feel thoroughly understood, the idea of therapy might not seem so outlandish anymore, and they might agree to check it out. 

Don’t Forget About Your Own Mental Health! 

Dealing with aging parents is not an easy time. Roles get reversed, health declines, and you’re increasingly tied up with work and kids.  

As you begin the process of convincing your boomer parent to sign up for therapy sessions, keep in mind that you yourself might benefit from therapy during this time, too. As an added bonus, you can use the fact that you’re using therapy as another arrow in the quiver for convincing them to give it a shot. 

Before moving the conversation forward, start searching for local therapists for you and your parents ahead of time. That way, you’re ready with a recommendation when your parents ultimately agree to try therapy. 

Whatever you decide, here’s to getting the treatment you both need to have a fantastic relationship for years to come! 

by Nicole Urdang, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, MS, NCC, DHM, in Buffalo, NY

Aging Wisely: Insight from the Buddha

I have an interpretation of the five remembrances I like to imagine. In it, the Buddha tells his monks about the five remembrances. 

He gathers them together early one morning and says, “Every day, before you get out of bed, I want you to remember these five things:

“I am of the nature to get sick and there is nothing I can do about it.

“I am of the nature to grow old and there is nothing I can do to change that. 

“I am of the nature to die and everything living eventually dies.

“Everyone I love everything I care about, including myself, is of the nature to change.

“All I have are the fruits of my labors.”(1)

The monks look at him incredulously and say, “Are you kidding? That’s really depressing. Why would we want to start our day like that?”

And the Buddha replies, “Because all of these things will happen. By acknowledging them every day and reminding yourself they are inevitable, you’re preparing yourself mentally and emotionally for life. You will not be surprised when difficulties appear. You still have to deal with them, but not with the additional pain of shock and anger that can come from denying reality.

“By understanding these are universal truths, you will not feel singled out for misery.”

Aging in the 21st Century 

We live in a culture of denial and distraction. We deny hunger, homelessness, and suffering; so, naturally, we deny our own aging bodies.

In the short run, this can feel beneficial, as it allows us to maintain the fiction that we are not moving towards an ultimate departure. But we are.

I think it’s far easier to adjust in little daily increments than to just suddenly be walloped with the realization that you have grown old. After all, you only have two choices: growing old or being dead.

Denial Doesn’t Work

Denial is hard to sustain forever. Eventually, the pigeons come home to roost. Then what? Then the shock is even greater.

It’s not easy growing old in a culture that decries it. The highest compliment someone can pay an older person is that they look young. 

3 Ways to Find Freedom Through Acceptance 

It’s not easy being human. It’s not easy growing older. The body does not get healthier as we age. There is a natural decline. This is life. Yes, it’s challenging. But denying it doesn’t make the challenges disappear. As a matter of fact, it’s a Sisyphean task to stem the tide of time. Ultimately, decrepitude and death win. Why not embrace the change? Why not give yourself all the cosmic permission slips that come with growing older? And what might they be — The joy of slowing down? The joy of caring less about what other people think of you? The joy of choosing what you want to do with your day? The joy of being rather than doing?

1. Be Present

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my tombstone to read she looked young until the day she died. What do you want to be remembered for? 

By allowing yourself to be fully present in whatever moment you’re experiencing, even if that’s aging naturally, you fully inhabit something new. This gives you the opportunity to create, explore, and celebrate an evolving version of yourself.

2. Be Aware

Of course, aging with awareness creates a huge shift in your self-perception on all levels: physically, emotionally, relationally, vocationally, financially, even spiritually. Youth and middle age had their challenges and delights. Aging simply has different discoveries and joys. By allowing them to work their magic, you can open up space to become a different version of yourself. This is heavy lifting in a society that exalts youth and extroversion, but it can be done. 

3. Be Yourself

“Be You” is the appropriate T-shirt design for any age. Trying to be the you you were years ago is frustrating, even depressing, and doesn’t allow you to fully embrace the you you are becoming with each new experience, including aging.

Give yourself the biggest gift you can: Love yourself just as you are this minute. If that seems impossible, have compassion for yourself as you learn to not just accept, but embrace different life lessons and experiences. 

Did you know there are psychotherapists with special expertise in helping you navigate your elder years? To find one near you, search for a therapist near you and filter your results by Age Group of Client(s) > Elders or Common Specialties > All other issues > Aging and Geriatric Issues. 

Footnotes

1 Hahn, T. N. (2002). No Death, No Fear: Comforting Wisdom for Life. Riverhead Books (147).