“Gaslighting” has become a buzzword in popular culture, sometimes used to describe any disagreement or lie. But clinically, gaslighting in relationships points to something more specific: a pattern of manipulation aimed at getting someone to doubt their perceptions, memories, or understanding of events. And in intimate partnerships, that pattern can quietly reshape a person’s reality from the inside out.

[gt_toc title=”In this article”]
[gt_toc_item href=”#what-it-is”]What gaslighting in relationships looks like[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#gaslight-effect”]The Gaslight Effect: how the dynamic deepens[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#effects”]What it does to the targeted partner[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#what-to-do”]What to do if you think you’re being gaslit[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#conventional-wisdom”]When conventional wisdom can hurt[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#therapy”]How therapy must adapt[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#progress”]Measuring progress differently[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#faq”]Frequently asked questions[/gt_toc_item]
[/gt_toc]

What gaslighting in relationships looks like

The word gets used loosely. Understanding what gaslighting actually is, and what it isn’t, is the first step to recognizing it in your own relationship.

[gt_compare]
[gt_compare_col label=”Gaslighting is NOT” title=”Ordinary relational friction” color=”orange” points=”A partner remembering an argument differently|A clumsy apology|A one-off lie someone later owns”]
[gt_compare_col label=”Gaslighting IS” title=”A repeated pattern of manipulation” color=”green” points=”Repeatedly denying what the other person saw, felt, or experienced|Rewriting events and shifting blame until they doubt their own memory|Using ridicule, false certainty, or character attacks to erode their confidence”]
[/gt_compare]

[gt_callout style=”green” label=”Clinical definition”]
The American Psychological Association defines gaslighting as manipulating someone into doubting their perceptions or experiences. An important nuance: it is typically about power and control in the interaction, not just “being wrong.” Sociologist Paige L. Sweet argues in the American Sociological Review that gaslighting often exploits vulnerabilities and unequal dynamics, especially in intimate relationships, making it more than a one-off misunderstanding.
[/gt_callout]

The “Gaslight Effect”: how the dynamic deepens over time

Dr. Robin Stern, credited with popularizing the term in wider public discourse, emphasizes that gaslighting escalates gradually, eroding confidence until the targeted partner is second-guessing their reality. She calls this the “Gaslight Tango”: a dance where one partner slowly gains the power to define what’s real and what’s not. She describes three stages:

[gt_steps]
[gt_step num=”01″ title=”Disbelief”]“That was weird; he said I did that. Did that really happen?”[/gt_step]
[gt_step num=”02″ title=”Defense”]You start explaining yourself constantly, gathering proof, trying to be understood.[/gt_step]
[gt_step num=”03″ title=”Depression”]You feel defeated, confused, small, and unsure of yourself.[/gt_step]
[/gt_steps]

People don’t stay in such a relationship just because they’re “weak.” They often stay because the relationship also contains love, history, dependence, fear, or hope, and because the manipulation is subtle at first. What makes gaslighting especially insidious is that the gaslighter often uses kernels of truth to anchor a larger, unfair argument. Their attack contains just enough truth to make the other person pause; over time, that pause becomes corrosive self-doubt.

Gaslighting might sound like…

[gt_callout style=”orange” label=”Denial”]
“What are you talking about? I never said that. You’re being crazy!” This is outright denial paired with a character attack. The first half rewrites the event; the second half puts you on the defensive about your own sanity.
[/gt_callout]

[gt_callout style=”green” label=”Minimization”]
“You’re too sensitive. That never happened!” This combines reality denial with an accusation designed to make you question whether your emotional response is legitimate at all.
[/gt_callout]

[gt_callout style=”dark” label=”Deflection”]
“Why are you making such a big deal? You always do this. I’m tired of it!” This shifts the conversation away from the actual issue by labeling a recurring “flaw” in you. Even a kernel of truth gets used to dismiss a valid concern.
[/gt_callout]

What gaslighting does to the targeted partner

Over time, people experiencing gaslighting in relationships report a cluster of deeply damaging effects:

[gt_card title=”Chronic self-doubt” color=”green”]
“Maybe I am the problem.” The ability to trust your own perceptions slowly erodes.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Difficulty making decisions” color=”orange”]
Even small choices feel paralyzing when you’ve been told your judgment can’t be trusted.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Anxiety, shame, and numbness” color=”green”]
A steady loss of confidence that shows up in the body as well as the mind. Many people in gaslighting relationships describe persistent anxiety that lingers long after any specific argument.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Social withdrawal” color=”orange”]
Explaining feels exhausting, or you fear being judged, so you stop reaching out.
[/gt_card]

What to do if you think you’re being gaslit

[gt_callout style=”green” label=”Strategy 01 · Find your flight attendants”]
Dr. Stern offers a powerful analogy: being gaslit is like being on a plane in turbulence. You can feel the shaking and rattling, but you aren’t sure whether it’s cause for concern or just turbulence. A good way to gauge the situation is to look to the flight attendants. If they seem calm and collected, chances are it’s just turbulence. If they seem concerned or frantic, there’s a problem.

Look to the people in your life whom you trust to have your best interests at heart , friends, family, pastor, mentor, or a therapist, and check in with them regularly for a sanity check. These are the people who will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Protect your sense of reality and sense of self.
[/gt_callout]

[gt_callout style=”orange” label=”Strategy 02 · Resist the urge to merge”]
Another key concept of Dr. Stern’s is resisting the “urge to merge”: the need to win the approval of the gaslighter by convincing them that you are not crazy, incompetent, inconsiderate, stubborn, or whatever else they might be accusing you of being. By letting go of the need to be validated by them, you “opt out” of the gaslight tango.

Trying to win an argument with a gaslighter is a supremely futile endeavor. You’re not arguing with someone interested in understanding differences and taking accountability when due. You’re arguing with someone desperately trying to maintain control of the situation. Facts be damned.
[/gt_callout]

When conventional wisdom can hurt

Conventional wisdom on relationships emphasizes the importance of talking through issues and getting to a point of mutual understanding. But in the context of gaslighting in relationships, that notion can actually cause more harm than good.

Standard relationship advice makes a few assumptions that gaslighting breaks entirely:

[gt_checklist title=”Assumptions standard advice makes”]
[gt_check]Both people can reflect on their behavior[/gt_check]
[gt_check]Both can take responsibility when they’re wrong[/gt_check]
[gt_check]Both genuinely want to understand one another[/gt_check]
[gt_check]Perception is grounded in shared facts and reality[/gt_check]
[/gt_checklist]

[gt_callout style=”orange” label=”Why this matters”]
Gaslighting breaks every one of these assumptions. When one partner is actively distorting reality and is not interested in a fair resolution, opting out of the discussion may be the healthiest and most self-protective choice available.
[/gt_callout]

How therapy must adapt

Therapy can be genuinely helpful, but only when the therapist understands how gaslighting in relationships actually works and adapts their approach accordingly. In my practice, I see three main clinical scenarios:

[gt_card title=”Individual therapy with the person being gaslit” color=”green”]
The therapist acts as a “flight attendant,” helping the client feel grounded in reality and protect their sense of self. This is often the most immediately stabilizing form of support, and one of the two most common scenarios I see.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Couples therapy” color=”green”]
The therapist can attempt to increase accountability in the gaslighter by pointing out incongruences in a neutral, non-judgmental way. The key word is “attempt”: this works only in milder cases where the gaslighter still has some genuine willingness to work on the relationship. It also relies heavily on the therapist’s ability to establish trust and rapport with both partners, such that even the gaslighter is willing to consider the therapist’s input.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Individual therapy with the gaslighter” color=”orange”]
The most difficult scenario. The therapist is working only with the gaslighter and very likely lacks the larger context of their relationships. Most gaslighters don’t come into therapy saying, “I gaslight my partner; I need help.” Without witnessing the dynamic firsthand, the therapist may not recognize the pattern at all.
[/gt_card]

Progress is measured differently

In a standard couples case, “progress” might look like fewer fights and better communication. With gaslighting in relationships, the benchmarks must shift entirely.

[gt_checklist title=”What real progress looks like”]
[gt_check]The gaslighting partner stops denying the other person’s reality[/gt_check]
[gt_check]They show behavioral accountability: “I did that. It was wrong.”[/gt_check]
[gt_check]The targeted partner stops over-explaining and starts trusting their own perceptions again[/gt_check]
[gt_check]The relationship becomes safer and more respectful, consistently, not performatively[/gt_check]
[/gt_checklist]

[gt_callout style=”dark” label=”A final grounding point”]
If you’re reading this and thinking, “I’m constantly defending my reality,” you’re not alone. Gaslighting works precisely because it attacks the part of you that usually keeps you steady: your ability to trust yourself. Understand that you are in the midst of a difficult dynamic, but it is possible to break free of it and find your way back to yourself.
[/gt_callout]

Frequently asked questions

[gt_faq title=””]
[gt_faq_item q=”What exactly is gaslighting in a relationship?”]
Gaslighting is a pattern of psychological manipulation in which one partner repeatedly causes the other to question their perceptions, memories, and sense of reality. It differs from ordinary disagreements in two ways: the repetition and the deliberate goal of gaining power and control. The APA defines it as manipulating someone into doubting their own perceptions or experiences.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”What are the signs I might be getting gaslit?”]
Common signs include constantly second-guessing yourself, feeling confused after conversations, apologizing frequently without knowing why, making excuses for your partner’s behavior, and feeling less confident than you used to be. You may notice you no longer trust your own memory of events, or that you feel anxious before difficult conversations even when you know you have done nothing wrong.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”Is gaslighting considered emotional abuse?”]
Yes. Persistent gaslighting is widely recognized as a form of emotional abuse. It systematically erodes a person’s sense of reality, self-worth, and autonomy. Because it targets the victim’s capacity to trust their own judgment, it can be more insidious than forms of abuse that leave visible evidence.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”Why do people stay in relationships where they’re being gaslit?”]
People stay for many reasons unrelated to weakness: love, shared history, financial dependence, fear of retaliation, children, or genuine hope that things will improve. The manipulation typically begins subtly and escalates slowly, making it hard to identify until someone is deeply invested. By the time the pattern becomes clear, accumulated self-doubt has often made it harder to act on what they know.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”Can a gaslighter change through therapy?”]
Change is possible, but requires genuine willingness to acknowledge behavior and take accountability. In couples therapy, progress is most likely in milder cases where some willingness remains. In individual therapy, the gaslighter needs to develop real insight into the impact of their behavior, which is difficult without the therapist having broader relational context. Meaningful change requires sustained behavioral accountability, not just verbal acknowledgment.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”What should I do first if I think I’m being gaslit?”]
Start by building your support network. Reach out to people who have your best interests at heart and will be honest with you; they offer the outside perspective the manipulation is designed to deny you. Keep a private journal documenting incidents with dates and details; this helps counter the self-doubt the manipulation creates. Individual therapy with a qualified therapist can also help you regain your footing.
[/gt_faq_item]
[/gt_faq]

[gt_takeaways title=”Key takeaways”]
[gt_take]Gaslighting in relationships is a pattern, not a single disagreement or misremembered event.[/gt_take]
[gt_take]It escalates in three stages: disbelief, defense, depression.[/gt_take]
[gt_take]Conventional “talk it through” advice can make it worse; sometimes opting out is the healthy choice.[/gt_take]
[gt_take]Therapy helps, but the clinician must recognize the dynamic and adapt their approach.[/gt_take]
[gt_take]Progress is measured by accountability and restored self-trust, not just fewer fights.[/gt_take]
[/gt_takeaways]

[gt_cta style=”orange” title=”You don’t have to sort this out alone.” subtitle=”Find a licensed therapist who understands gaslighting dynamics and can help you regain your footing.” button_text=”Browse the GoodTherapy Directory” button_url=”https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html”]

[gt_author name=”Tomoko Iimura, LMFT” title=”Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist” location=”San Antonio, TX” photo=”https://www.goodtherapy.org/thumbs/250×250/dbimages/87189-tomoko-iimura.jpeg” profile_url=”https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapists/profile/tomoko-iimura-marriage-family-therapist”]
Tomoko Iimura specializes in couples therapy, trauma, and relationship conflict. She uses evidence-based approaches including the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy, with advanced training in affair and trauma recovery. Tomoko brings a uniquely global perspective to her work, shaped by years living as an expat across multiple countries. She completed her clinical internship at the Rape Crisis Center in San Antonio and holds graduate degrees from Our Lady of the Lake University (MS, Marriage and Family Therapy), Columbia University (MA, International Affairs and Public Policy), and Middlebury College (BA). Visit profile here.
[/gt_author]

Step 1: Establish and Maintain Firm Boundaries in Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Establishing clear boundaries while co-parenting with a narcissist is crucial for emotional safety and stability.

A person with narcissistic traits often views boundaries as challenges to their control. Your ability to create and enforce clear boundaries becomes your most powerful protective tool.

Strong boundaries can protect you and your children when co-parenting with a narcissist.

Be Direct and Unemotional

When setting boundaries with a narcissistic co-parent, clarity and emotional neutrality are essential. State your boundary clearly and calmly: “I am not going to discuss this while you are yelling. I am hanging up now, and we can talk when you are calm.” Then, crucially, follow through immediately.

The follow-through matters more than the words. Narcissistic individuals test boundaries constantly, so consistency proves you mean what you say.

Don’t Explain or Justify

Avoid getting pulled into arguments or debates about your boundaries. Lengthy explanations provide manipulation opportunities. The boundary is non-negotiable, not because you’re being difficult, but because it protects your family’s emotional health.

When you justify boundaries, you’re implying they’re up for discussion. They’re not.

Remember Your “Why”

Adhering to boundaries with a narcissistic co-parent will be uncomfortable. You’ll likely face gaslighting, a manipulative tactic that the National Domestic Violence Hotline describes as making someone question their own reality, memory, or perceptions.

You may also encounter guilt trips, condescending behavior, or accusations of being “difficult” or “unreasonable.” Remind yourself regularly: you’re not doing this to punish them. You’re protecting your children and yourself from emotional manipulation and creating a healthier environment.

Step 2: Validate Your Children’s Reality

Co-parenting with a narcissist means being vigilant about your children’s emotional needs and offering them the validation they may not receive from their other parent.

Children of narcissistic parents often feel their feelings, thoughts, and very identity are invisible or “wrong.” Your role as the other parent is to be a consistent source of validation and unconditional love.

Children’s self-esteem is profoundly influenced by how their parents respond to them. When one parent is narcissistic, the other parent’s validation becomes even more critical.

Acknowledge Their Feelings

When your child expresses hurt or frustration about their interactions with the narcissistic parent, validate their emotions: “It makes sense that you feel upset about that” or “I see how hard you’re working, and I’m proud of you.”

Never dismiss their feelings, even when you’re trying to keep peace. Your validation teaches them to trust their emotional experiences, a crucial life skill that research from the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University shows is fundamental to building resilience.

Separate Their Worth from Their Performance

Narcissistic parents often tie a child’s value to their performance or how the child makes the parent look. Counter this damaging message consistently.

Remind your children that their worth is inherent and not dependent on grades, athletic achievement, appearance, or living up to someone else’s unrealistic expectations. Celebrate who they are, not just what they do.

Correct Unhealthy Messages

If your children have been told they’re “too sensitive,” “not good enough,” or that their emotions are problems, gently counter these messages.

Without directly criticizing the other parent (which can backfire), you might say: “It’s important to learn how to manage emotions well, and yelling is an example of not managing them well. You are not broken or ‘less than’ because you have feelings. Feelings are information, and learning to understand them is a strength.”

Step 3: Prioritize Your Own Healing and Growth

Your healing journey is crucial in the context of co-parenting with a narcissist, where emotional turmoil can affect everyone involved.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. To be a strong, resilient anchor for your children while co-parenting with a narcissist, you must invest in your own well-being. This isn’t selfish, it’s essential.

Focus on What You Can Control

You cannot control another person’s behavior, manipulations, or emotional outbursts. But you can absolutely control your response. This shift in focus is incredibly empowering and reduces the emotional toll of the co-parenting relationship.

The concept of the “locus of control”, whether you believe events are controlled by your own actions or external forces, significantly impacts mental health. Research published in Frontiers in Psychology demonstrates that an internal locus of control is associated with better psychological outcomes.

Build Your Own Self-Esteem

The most powerful defense against narcissistic manipulation is a strong sense of self. Engage in activities you love, set and achieve personal goals, and celebrate your victories, no matter how small.

When your self-worth comes from within rather than external validation, narcissistic tactics lose their power over you. Mental Health America offers excellent resources on self-care practices that support mental wellness.

The Secret to Understanding the Narcissist

Understanding that narcissistic behavior often stems from incredible insecurity can help you emotionally detach from their manipulation. This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it prevents you from internalizing their criticisms or taking their actions personally.

Your goal isn’t to force them to change, it’s to change your response and speak life into your children.

Step 4: Seek Professional Support for Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Seeking professional support tailored to co-parenting with a narcissist can make a significant difference in how well you manage interactions.

You don’t have to walk this challenging path alone. Navigating co-parenting with a narcissistic individual while protecting your children’s emotional health requires tools and perspective that professional support can provide.

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) provides a national helpline (1-800-662-4357) that offers free, confidential, 24/7 support and can connect you with local mental health resources.

A qualified therapist can help you:

• Develop effective communication strategies that minimize conflict
• Set and maintain healthy boundaries without guilt
• Process the emotional toll of the co-parenting relationship
• Recognize manipulation tactics and respond strategically
• Build resilience for yourself and your children
• Create a parenting plan that protects your children’s interests

Professional support also provides a safe space for your children to heal, process their experiences, and learn that their feelings are valid. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offers excellent resources on personality disorders and their impact on families.

Finding professionals who understand the intricacies of co-parenting with a narcissist will help you navigate this challenging relationship.

Legal and Practical Considerations

When co-parenting with a narcissist, documentation becomes essential. Keep detailed records of all communications, agreements, and concerning incidents. Many family law attorneys recommend using court-approved co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents, which create timestamped, unalterable records of all communications.

If safety concerns arise, the Office on Women’s Health provides resources for creating safety plans and understanding your legal options. Remember that emotional abuse is just as serious as physical abuse, and protective measures may be necessary.

Building an Unshakeable Foundation

You and your children deserve peace, emotional safety, and healing. The greatest defense against the negative effects of narcissism isn’t winning arguments or changing the other person, it’s building an unshakeable sense of self-worth for yourself and your children.

When co-parenting with a narcissist, remember:

• Your boundaries protect your family’s emotional space
• Your children need validation more than they need you to keep the peace at all costs
• Your healing directly impacts your children’s resilience
• Professional support isn’t a luxury, it’s a strategic investment in your family’s future

Every step you take toward establishing boundaries, validating your children, and prioritizing healing creates ripples of positive change. You’re not just surviving this co-parenting situation, you’re modeling strength, self-respect, and emotional intelligence for your children.

That’s a legacy worth fighting for.

Introduction: Help for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents

Adult children of narcissistic parents often grow up feeling like nothing is ever good enough. This kind of upbringing can leave deep emotional scars that linger long into adulthood, shaping how you see yourself and the world around you.

Narcissistic parents often prioritize their own needs above their children’s, creating conditions of manipulation, conditional love, and emotional neglect. These dynamics can be difficult to recognize when you’re growing up, but as an adult, they may become painfully clear.

The good news is, with understanding and support, you can heal and break free from the cycles created by these experiences.

This blog is here to help you gain insight into the traits of narcissistic parenting, its effects, and how you can start your healing journey.

What Is Narcissistic Parenting and How It Affects Adult Children

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a psychological condition characterized by an excessive sense of self-importance, an overwhelming need for admiration, and a lack of empathy towards others. People with NPD often have an exaggerated view of their abilities and accomplishments, regularly seeking validation and admiration from others.

Recognized in the DSM-5 as a specific psychological condition, this personality disorder can have a big impact on relationships and overall well-being. Individuals with NPD may display a range of symptoms, including:

Grandiosity: They have an exaggerated sense of their own importance and may constantly seek attention and praise.

Lack of Empathy: They have difficulty understanding or caring about the feelings and needs of others.

Sense of Entitlement: They believe they are entitled to special treatment and may demand preferential treatment from others.

Exploitative Behavior: They may manipulate or exploit others to achieve their own goals or to maintain their sense of superiority.

Inability to Handle Criticism: They may react strongly to any form of criticism or perceived rejection, as it threatens their fragile self-esteem.

It’s important to note that narcissism exists on a spectrum, and not all individuals with narcissistic traits have NPD. That said, narcissistic behavior is important. It can help explain the dynamics and challenges of narcissistic parenting, which we’ll dive into next.

For further insight, see:
APA: What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
StatPearls: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

What Is Narcissistic Parenting?

Narcissistic parenting occurs when a parent consistently prioritizes their own needs and desires above their child’s, making themselves the central focus of the parent-child relationship. This creates a home environment lacking empathy, validation, and unconditional love, leaving children feeling unseen and unheard.

Key traits of narcissistic parenting include:

• Validation-seeking: Constantly looking for admiration and praise, even from their children
• Manipulative behavior: Using guilt, emotional manipulation, or control tactics to influence decisions
• Conditional love: Tying affection to achievements, appearance, or alignment with their expectations
• Competition with children: Viewing children as extensions of themselves rather than separate individuals
• Emotional neglect: Dismissing or minimizing children’s feelings and emotional needs

To go deeper on healing from this dynamic, see GoodTherapy’s guides:
How to Heal from the Narcissistic Abuse of a Parent
Taking Back Your Life from a Narcissistic Family Upbringing.

Signs Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents Recognize

1. You Felt Consistently Dismissed or Ignored

Your emotional needs were rarely prioritized. Your parent showed limited interest in your experiences, feelings, or struggles, leaving you feeling invisible in your own family.

2. You Constantly Strived for Approval

Love and praise felt conditional, tied to achievements like good grades, sports performance, or meeting unrealistic expectations. This likely created perfectionist tendencies or constant need for external validation.

3. You Took on a Caregiving Role Early

You felt like the “parent” in the relationship, taking care of your parent’s emotional or even physical needs. This role reversal robbed you of a normal childhood experience.

4. You Struggle with Boundaries

Setting or enforcing healthy boundaries feels nearly impossible. Narcissistic parents often violate their child’s privacy and autonomy, making it challenging to advocate for your needs as an adult.

5. You Experience Persistent Guilt or Inadequacy

Even in adulthood, you carry a persistent sense that you’re not doing enough or that you’ll never be “enough”, regardless of your actual accomplishments.

6. You Have Difficulty with Identity and Self-Worth

You may question your values, desires, or sense of self, especially if your parent shaped your identity to fit their expectations rather than supporting your authentic development.

7. You Struggle in Relationships

Feeling unworthy of love, having trust issues, or falling into people-pleasing patterns are common. Many adult children of narcissists also struggle with setting healthy boundaries in relationships.

If these patterns resonate with you, remember, you’re not alone, and these struggles are completely valid responses to your childhood experience

Learn more:
Enmeshment and Blurred Boundaries: Emotional Incest Explained
Codependency and Narcissism May Have More in Common Than You Think

Common Struggles for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents

Growing up with a narcissistic parent often brings challenges that don’t simply stay in the past. Despite what many may think, the struggles we face as children can deeply impact our adult lives, shaping how we see ourselves and relate to others. Recognizing these lasting effects is the first step toward healing:

• Low Self-Esteem: Narcissistic parents often instill a deep-rooted belief that you’re not “good enough.”
• Relationship Challenges: Struggles with trust, fear of abandonment, or people-pleasing.
• Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Having grown up without personal autonomy, boundaries can feel unnatural.
• Identity Confusion: Many adult children question their values, desires, or sense of self.

For hope and long-term recovery strategies:
Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse: Rebuilding a Life of Empowerment and Happiness.

Healing Steps for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents

Healing from narcissistic parents is a deeply personal and non-linear process. Here are actionable steps to help you begin:

1. Recognize the Patterns: Awareness is the foundation of change.
2. Set Firm Boundaries: Saying “no” is not mean, it’s necessary.
3. Seek Professional Help: Therapy provides a safe space to process experiences and build resilience.
4. Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself, affirmations and journaling can help.
5. Build a Support System: Surround yourself with people who validate your journey.

External resource:
Verywell Mind: How to Deal With a Narcissistic Parent.

How Therapy Helps Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents

Therapy offers a validating, structured space to rebuild self-esteem, learn boundary skills, and reconnect with your values. A therapist can help you identify sources of stress, manage triggers, and foster resilience.

Find a Therapist on GoodTherapy

FAQ

What are the long-term effects of narcissistic parenting?
Adults may struggle with self-worth, boundaries, and relationships. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing. See:
Taking Back Your Life from a Narcissistic Family Upbringing.

How can adult children of narcissistic parents start healing?
Education, therapy, boundaries, and supportive relationships are key. See:
How to Heal from the Narcissistic Abuse of a Parent and
Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse.

Do I have to go no-contact?
Not always. Some choose low-contact with firm limits; others need no-contact for safety and well-being. A therapist can help guide this decision.

Conclusion

Recognizing the impact of narcissistic parenting is not easy, but it’s a courageous step forward. You are not defined by your family. You are capable of creating a life filled with self-love, boundaries, and empowering relationships. Take the time to understand your experiences, seek support where needed, and remember, healing is your right.

✨ Ready to Begin Healing?

You are not defined by your family story. Explore more guidance and connect with support today:

• How to Heal from the Narcissistic Abuse of a Parent
• Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse
• Find a Therapist Near You

Gaslighting emotional abuse in which an abuser manipulates the victim into believing their thoughts, feelings, and perceptions are invalid.

This manipulation leads to a deep mistrust, lowered self-esteem, and confusion in the victim.

Gaslighting emotional abuse can take many forms and be very difficult to detect. This makes it a severe and dangerous form of emotional abuse.

It is crucial for those who have been gaslighted to recognize the signs and seek help immediately. Victims of gaslighting emotional abuse often experience feelings such as:

• Anxiety,
• Depression
• Confusion
• Fear
• Guilt
• Self-doubt

They may find it hard to trust anyone or feel like their thoughts are being manipulated.

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, please reach out for support from friends, family members, therapists, or other resources available in your community.

The effects of gaslighting emotional abuse can be lasting and damaging, so it is essential to get help as soon as possible.

Understanding gaslighting emotional abuse and how to recognize it can help protect you from further abuse. It is important to remember that gaslighting does not define you, and help is available to ensure you are safe from emotional manipulation.

RELATED GOODTHERAPY ARTICLE: “That Never Happened” – Experiencing Gaslighting

Recognize Gaslighting

Gaslighting can affect the victim in many ways, both psychologically and physically. Common signs of gaslighting include:

• Blaming the victim for their upset
• Using gaslighter’s opinion as fact
• Lack of accountability for gaslighter’s actions
• Refusal to acknowledge gaslighter’s wrongdoings
• Gaslighter’s attempts to manipulate or control the situation

Gaslighting victims may feel deep confusion over what is real and what is not.

Watch for These Gaslighting Techniques

Gaslighting emotional abuse techniques are often subtle, which can make them hard to detect. Common gaslighting tactics include:

• Denying or minimizing the victim’s feelings
• Making false promises or accusations
• Redirecting conversations away from the issue at hand
• Giving mixed messages that cause confusion

Gaslighters may also try to isolate their victims by cutting them off from friends and family, manipulating them with guilt or fear, gaslighting them in public settings, or even threatening violence if the behavior isn’t stopped.

Effects of Gaslighting

The effects of gaslighting can be profoundly damaging to a person’s mental health and sense of self-worth.

People who are gaslighted tend to experience confusion and uncertainty, as gaslighters often attempt to manipulate facts or distort reality to make their victims feel powerless.

Victims may also begin to question their sanity and doubt their worthiness due to the gaslighter’s constant belittling and criticism.

Victims may also be more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors or have difficulty forming meaningful relationships with other people.

In addition to these psychological effects, gaslighting can lead to physical symptoms such as headaches, nausea, insomnia, fatigue, and even depression.

It can also damage relationships as gaslighters may try to isolate their victims from friends and family members.

In extreme cases, gaslighting emotional abuse can even lead to suicidal thoughts or attempts at suicide.

The long-term effects of gaslighting can be particularly damaging if left untreated. If you or someone you know is being gaslighted, it is essential to reach out for professional help to address the issue and begin the healing process.

RELATED GOODTHERAPY ARTICLE: Gaslighting: A Slow-Burning Emotional Abuse Tactic

Why Does Gaslighting Happen?

Although gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, in many cases, gaslighters act out due to their insecurities and deep-seated psychological issues.

For example, they may be insecure about their identity or employ gaslighting to deflect blame or gain control over others.

Gaslighting can also stem from childhood experiences such as being raised by an authoritarian parent who constantly shamed them.

It is important to remember that gaslighters may act out of fear or insecurity rather than malicious intent. However, this does not excuse gaslighting behavior; it simply explains why some people use these manipulative tactics.

Strategies to Fight Gaslighting

If you have been gaslighted, it is essential to remember that you are not alone and that strategies are available for fighting gaslighting.

1. Be sure to take care of yourself by engaging in activities that make you feel good, such as exercise or creative hobbies.
2. Create a support system of people who can provide validation and help hold gaslighters accountable for their actions.
3. Try to stay focused on the facts rather than the gaslighter’s behavior and attempt to shift conversations away from negative topics whenever possible.
4. Use your intuition when deciding how to respond: if something feels wrong or off, trust your instincts and take action accordingly.

Following these strategies and surrounding yourself with supportive people, you can reclaim your power and regain control of your life from gaslighters.

RELATED GOODTHERAPY ARTICLE: Learning to Trust Again After Gaslighting

When Should You Seek Help?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that can take an extreme toll on its victims.

It is essential to be aware of gaslighting behaviors, recognize their effects, and seek help as soon as possible to begin the process of healing.

With the proper support and resources, gaslighting victims can reclaim their sense of self-worth and emotional well-being.

If you think you may be a victim of gaslighting, it is essential to seek help as soon as possible.

A trusted friend or family member can provide the support and validation you need to regain your sense of reality.

Additionally, professional counseling is often helpful in addressing gaslighting-related issues. A therapist can help you identify the gaslighting behaviors and create an action plan for dealing with them.

Lastly, focus on taking care of yourself and building up your self-esteem, so that gaslighting has less power over you.

By understanding gaslighting emotional abuse, recognizing its effects, and seeking appropriate help, victims of gaslighting can begin to heal from their trauma and take back control of their lives.

If you believe you are the victim of gaslighting, the GoodTherapy registry might be helpful to you. We have thousands of therapists listed with us who would love to walk with you on your journey. Find the support you need today.

by Mary Alexander, JD

What Makes Clergy Abuse So Different? 

Acts of sexual abuse are inexcusable. Acts of sexual abuse at the hands of priests, clergy, and other religious leaders are particularly inexcusable, not only given the many facets of their unique positions but also because of the complexity of the religious institutions that employ them. Clergy abuse causes harm in many ways, but new laws are increasing accountability for clergy members and legal options for abuse survivors. 

The abusive acts are never the fault of survivors. It takes courage for a survivor to acknowledge that abuse occurred. For some, reading this article may be a step in your process of acknowledging what has happened to you. You are not alone. 

This Moment in History

Clergy abuse is not a new phenomenon. Survivors, many of whom were children at the time of the sexual abuse, are now coming forward in greater numbers. This is, at least in part, due to recent changes in law allowing survivors to seek civil justice for the pain, emotional distress, and trauma suffered as a result of the abuse. 

Clergy Abuse Is Different

Clergy members are unique in their positions. Due to the inherent nature of their esteemed positions and the belief that they are closer to God, religious leaders occupy positions of authority. They are respected and deemed trustworthy. They are also the very people who are expected to set an example of moral and ethical behavior in our communities. People often look to clergy when in need of help, guidance, or to confess their sins.  

Betrayal of Trust

However, when members of clergy prey on their students and congregants, they are exploiting not only their trust but the trust of their families. These are the people they are supposed to be serving. Many survivors have suffered in silence, fearful that they would not be believed if they reported the abuse. Indeed, the dark irony is that the abuser may be the same person the survivor would have otherwise turned to for counseling in such a time of need. Furthermore, when the perpetrator of sexual abuse is a clergy member, the religious institution may also be responsible and liable for the abuse. 

Criminal acts of sexual abuse have been committed by local religious leaders and their employees for decades. The most common example is the longtime and ongoing abuse, mostly of minors, by Catholic clergy members. The 2015 film “Spotlight” told the true story of the Boston Globe journalists who uncovered decades-long cover-ups at the highest levels of Boston’s religious, legal, and government establishments, touching off a wave of revelations around the world. Because the cycle of abuse had occurred for so long in secret, with little to no consequences for the abusers, several of the accused or convicted in this investigation and others like it stated that the abuse had become normalized to them.  

The Impact of Clergy Abuse

Emotional Distress

Most, if not all, survivors will agree that the impact of sexual abuse does not stop once the physical contact has ended. Physical contact is often associated with levels of emotion, and it is well documented by organizations such as the Department of Health and Human Services that survivors feel shame, guilt, and embarrassment surrounding the abuse they suffered. These very same feelings are what predators count on to keep their abused silent. 

If you are wrestling with the emotional distress of abuse, help is available. Click through to find a therapist near you who can help. 

Power and Manipulation

When the abuser is a religious leader or member of the clergy, complications can arise because they often know how to elicit certain responses from people. Many priests are expected to be able to soothe and counsel people in times of emotional distress. It is reasonable to believe that if that same priest had engaged in physical or sexual abuse, he could use that specialized ability in more sinister ways, namely, to deter a survivor or their family from reporting the abuse to other leaders within the religious organization or to law enforcement. 

An abuser will often feel he is in control of the situation and will go on with life and business unscathed, believing he will presumably be backed by his religious institution if accused. That influence can begin with something as simple as a whispered rumor among the congregation to preemptively tarnish the survivor’s reputation. From there, the abuser succeeds if the matter snowballs in his favor or if the survivor never comes forward with a claim. 

Psychological Trauma

Psychological trauma often goes hand-in-hand with emotional abuse. But the critical difference between the two is that psychological abuse has stronger effects on a survivor’s mental capacity. While emotional abuse affects what people feel, psychological abuse affects what and how they think. 

It’s not uncommon for psychological abuse to take place during and even after the physical act(s) of abuse. This often looks like manipulation, gaslighting, or making harmful threats. In an instant, an innocent survivor will feel that what is happening is acceptable or that no one will believe them. Although many individuals do face hurdles when coming to terms with and reporting physical and sexual abuse no matter the context, reporting the abuse can often be a way to take back their own power. 

Mental Health Concerns

It is important for survivors of sexual abuse to seek professional help and to find healthy ways to cope with the emotional and psychological impact of their abuse. People who have experienced psychological abuse often report feelings of depression, suicidal ideation, low self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD has effects that can last for years. It can paralyze people’s mental states to prevent them from working, concentrating, or caring for themselves and others. 

Trying to Cope Through Substance Abuse

The psychological impact can also lead to drug and alcohol abuse as a coping mechanism. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism has published several studies and reports detailing how alcoholism can be a consequence of child abuse. While alcohol and controlled substances may do long-term damage, they can be perceived as providing temporary solace from the torment. However, research shows that alcohol can actually complicate symptoms of anxiety, depression, and PTSD. 

Sexual and Physical Pain

Physical abuse such as beatings, lashings, and burnings may have been supplemented by sexual acts performed or demanded by clergymen. The physical pain endured by survivors is often accompanied by and causes emotional distress and psychological trauma as well.

The Road to Healing

It is common for anyone who has been through the trauma of sexual abuse to want to feel safe and to regain control of their life. The process of healing from abuse is different for everyone, and support groups for survivors have grown in recent decades. 

But there is a difference between healing and justice, and survivors should feel vindicated if they want one or both. 

You Have Rights

The abuse of a child almost always occurs in private and out of public view, so proving that the church or religious organization knew or should have known (of the abuse) can be particularly challenging. Thankfully, legal reforms in California and other states have been passed to help empower survivors and their families. 

California Law

In 2019, California Governor Gavin Newsom signed into law AB 218, which enhanced protections for survivors of crime and abuse. This law includes measures establishing an amnesty clause protecting survivors and witnesses of sexual assault. 

For survivors of childhood sexual abuse that occurred in California, this update to the law adds extra time to seek civil justice. AB 218 raised the age limit for abuse survivors to bring legal action against their abusive clergy member or other church-affiliated abusers. This law gives survivors of childhood sexual abuse until age 40 – or five years from the discovery of the abuse – to file civil lawsuits. Before AB 218, the age limit had been 26, or within three years from the discovery of the abuse. Furthermore, AB 218 provides a three-year lookback window for claims that would have previously expired under the old law.

The Legal Process for Survivors Wanting Justice

Survivors of sexual abuse now have stronger laws on their side. If survivors want to secure civil justice, they can do so in a court of law. It can be tough to investigate claims if the reported abusive conduct took place many years ago. Still, it is important to move forward with them regardless of how much time has passed. 

The first step in achieving justice for a survivor of sexual abuse is to speak with a plaintiffs’ lawyer who is familiar with these new laws and has had success litigating sexual abuse claims. 

Law firms like mine represent clients of almost every age, gender, sexual identity, and race. We have collaborated with experts for years on civil and criminal matters involving clergy sexual abuse. It’s important to know that if you have suffered abuse, you have rights that you are free to exercise.

Mary Alexander is a plaintiff attorney based in San Francisco who represents victims of abuse and accidents. Visit her firm’s website here.

If you’re struggling to deal with any type of abuse, please reach out for help. There are many trauma therapists who are trained to support people in your exact situation. You don’t have to go it alone. To find a trauma therapist who can help, click through to search for a therapist near you and filter by Common Specialties>All other issues>Abuse/Abuse Survivor Issues.

For those in or getting out of a romantic relationship with a self-absorbed individual, the silent treatment can feel like a punishment worse than death.

Why Narcissistic People Use the Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse typically employed by people with narcissistic tendencies. It is designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target for a perceived ego slight. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the person with narcissism wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control.

The target, who may possess high emotional intelligence, empathy, conflict-resolution skills, and the ability to compromise, may work diligently to respond to the deafening silence. He or she may frequently reach out to the narcissistic person via email, phone, or text to resolve greatly inflated misunderstandings, and is typically met with continued disdain, contempt, and silence. Essentially, the narcissistic person’s message is one of extreme disapproval to the degree that the silence renders the target so insignificant that he or she is ignored and becomes more or less nonexistent in the eyes of the narcissistic person.

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Emotional Maturity of a Typical Narcissistic Person

The emotional maturity of a typical narcissistic person is akin to a 5-year-old child who pouts and refuses to play with a friend in the sandbox because the friend wants to share the pail and shovel. The 5-year-old refuses to talk with the friend and angrily storms off to play on the jungle gym with someone else. The bewildered child with the pail and shovel may feel confused, rejected, and may not understand why they can’t share. He or she just wanted to build a sand castle together.

Because no further communication can ensue unless and until the narcissistic person decides to give the target another chance, a false sense of control is nurtured. Often, the narcissistic person will demand that the target apologizes for whatever inflated transgression the target may have committed (the target may have set a limit or asserted a boundary against emotional abuse, for example). Sometimes, a person with narcissistic qualities will decide to abandon and discard the relationship when his or her partner presents an ultimatum or attempts resolution requiring compromise. The person with narcissism may prefer to end the relationship and start over rather than be in a position of potential abandonment. The 5-year-old storms off and plays with a new, innocent target on the swing set. It is too much work to share the pail and shovel.

How to Deal With the Silent Treatment

So how does one deal with the silent treatment from a person with narcissism? For those leaving a toxic relationship with such an individual, many therapists suggest that the survivor understands that the person with narcissism has not developed the ability to express a high level of empathy, reciprocity, and compromise. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse that no one deserves nor should tolerate. If an individual experiences this absence of communication, it is a sure sign that he or she needs to move on and heal.

The healing process can feel like mourning the loss of a relationship that did not really exist and was one-way in favor of the ego-massaging person with narcissism. The minute the partner disagrees with the narcissistic person or asserts his or her healthy boundaries, the narcissistic person deploys an arsenal of abuse tactics. The silent treatment is a favorite weapon.

Do not accept emotional abuse. Know that you are worthy of a healthy relationship with someone who can communicate in a mature, emotionally healthy manner. Play with someone who has the ability to share the shovel and pail. You deserve no less.

Emotional incest, also known as covert incest, has nothing to do with incestuous sexual abuse. Rather, it is an unhealthy emotional relationship between a parent and a child that blurs boundaries in a way that elevates the child into an adult role. The parent looks to the child for emotional support. In some cases, the parent also seeks practical support from the child.

In an emotionally incestuous relationship, the child is expected to meet the needs of the parent rather than the parent meeting the needs of the child. This type of relationship, which is similar to enmeshment, is inappropriate and can be psychologically damaging for the child.

Emotional incest often occurs when the parent does not have their needs met by a romantic partner or when the family dynamic is broken. Substance abuse, infidelity, and mental health issues tend to increase the dependency of the parent.

Emotional incest occurs when the child believes they are responsible for their parent’s emotional well-being.

What Does Emotional Incest Look Like?

Emotional incest occurs when the child believes they are responsible for their parent’s emotional well-being. This can happen when the parent talks to the child as though the child were an adult. The parent may request advice from the child regarding adult issues and can even place the child in the role of therapist.

When the parent is sad or lonely, it’s up to the child to make them feel better, or at least feel their feelings with them. The boundaries are blurred and meshed. The child may lack any sense of emotional separation from the parent (Love, 2011).

Is Emotional Incest a Form of Neglect?

Elevating a child to the role of supporter and adult can lead to neglect and emotional abuse. A parent who is overly dependent on a child can also be critical and neglectful. Parents who have traversed or inverted parent-child roles can refuse or be unable to provide appropriate support for the child. This can result in a confusing mix of love and abuse (Hosier, 2015).

When a parent relies on the child, the child’s needs are not being met. Children who are placed in the role of adults often do not know how to ask for help. They understand that their parent is unable or uninterested in providing emotional support, so they deny their own needs.

Why Some Parents Look to Children for Support

It is thought that early emotional deprivation can lead some adults to regard their children as parental figures (Jurkovic, 2014). When divorce occurs, this can leave a vacuum that encourages a child to step in and do what they can to help the family (Freud, 1989).

Parents with narcissistic personality (NPD) may lack insight into how their behavior affects their child (Kriesberg, n.d.). They may also justify or deny their behavior and refuse to see that their child may be suffering.

Narcissistic parents and parents who engage in emotional incest often need praise from their child. Questions such as, “Am I a good mother?” or, “How much do you love me?” can place the child in a precarious position, as the child is not allowed to complain or express their own needs. Instead, the parent is the primary one who needs care. This unspoken understanding that the child’s needs are not as important as the needs of the parent can have lasting effects and can cause difficulties in adult relationships.

A parent with addiction may also develop an inappropriate reliance on their child. The child can assume the role of caretaker both when the parent is intoxicated and when the parent is sick and recovering from using substances or alcohol. Children of addicted parents often understand the parent is not capable of caring for them. As a result, they become the “strong one” in the family. The child may hide or deny their own needs even to themselves, as they know the parent is unavailable to provide care.

Emotional Incest: Child Outcomes

The impact of emotional incest on adult children can manifest in a variety of ways. They often have difficulties setting boundaries in relationships. They may also experience depression, shame, suicidal feelings, excessive guilt, anxiety, and social isolation.

Emotional incest can rob a child of the ability to develop at a normal pace, as they are forced into maturity at an early age and denied the opportunity to experience appropriate and supportive relationships. When they reach adulthood, they can experience dysfunctional adult relationships that perpetuate the cycle of unhealthy relationships.

Processing Emotional Incest: The Role of Therapy

Therapy allows you to understand and address the impacts of emotional incest. Underlying issues can be explored and healed in a nonjudgmental and safe environment. A therapist can provide guidance for building appropriate, healthy adult relationships as well as help with relationships with children.

Many adults who experienced emotional incest as a child do not want to repeat the pattern. Therapy can provide guidance and positive support for parents who want their own children to experience healthy parent-child relationships. Find a licensed, compassionate therapist here.

References:

1. Freud, A. (1989). Normality and pathology in childhood: Assessments of development. London: Routledge.
2. Hosier, D. (2015). Child-parent relationship too close for comfort? Emotional incest explained. Childhood Trauma Recovery. Retrieved from childhoodtraumarecovery.com/all-articles/child-parent-relationship-too-close-for-comfort-emotional-incest-explained
3. Jurkovic, G. J. (2014). Lost childhoods: The plight of the parentified child. New York, NY: Routledge.
4. Kriesberg, S. (n.d.). Women with narcissistic parent: Stuck in worry. Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Retrieved from adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/women-narcissistic-parents
5. Love, P. (2011). The emotional incest syndrome: What to do when a parent’s love rules your life. New York, NY: Bantam.

Emotional manipulation can undermine close personal relationships and leave the manipulation victim feeling powerless, confused, and frustrated. Yet all people manipulate others from time to time—often without intending to. Some definitions of emotional manipulation are so broad that they can apply to any behavior, even something as innocuous as a baby crying for food.

So when is an attempt to get one’s needs met or to achieve one’s goals actually a form of manipulation? And when does manipulation cross the line into emotional abuse? Here are some red flags that may signal a serious relationship problem.

WHAT IS MANIPULATION?

Manipulation is any attempt to sway a person’s emotions to get them to act in a specific way or feel a certain thing. While it’s common in interpersonal relationships, it also frequently happens on a broader scale. Advertisers routinely attempt to manipulate people’s emotions to get them to buy a product. Political candidates manipulate voters to win votes, convince voters of untrue claims, or change a voter’s opinions about a given issue.

“We’re all manipulators,” says Melissa Stringer, LPC, NCC, B-TMH, a Texas therapist who works with many clients to handle a wide range of individual and interpersonal concerns. “Socially acceptable manipulation, such as smiling and making eye contact, are considered healthy ways to increase the chances of human connection. But when manipulative behavior is used to avoid vulnerability and establish power over others, it becomes unhealthy.”

People who deliberately use manipulation tactics often do so in an attempt to avoid healthier strategies, such as direct communication of their needs or mutual intimacy and vulnerability.

TWELVE COMMON MANIPULATION TACTICS

People can manipulate others using hundreds of tactics. Some of the most common signs of emotional manipulation include:

1. Using intense emotional connection to control another person’s behavior. For example, an abusive person may try to manipulate a person by moving very quickly in a romantic relationship. They may overwhelm their victim with loving gestures or love bombing to lower their guard or make them feel indebted.
2. Playing on a person’s insecurities. This is a popular tactic among advertisers, such as when a cosmetic company makes a person feel unattractive or “old.” It also works well in interpersonal relationships. For instance, someone may make their romantic partner think no one else could ever possibly love them.
3. Lying and denial. Manipulators may bombard their victims with lies. When they’re caught, they may deny the lie or cover it up with another falsehood.
4. Hyperbole and generalization. It’s difficult to respond to an allegation of “never” being loving or “never” working hard. Specific details can be debated, while vague accusations are often harder to dispute.
5. Changing the subject. In an argument about one person’s behavior, the individual may deflect attention from themselves by attacking their critic. The deflection often takes the form of, “Well what about [X]?” For example, when one spouse expresses concern about their partner’s drug use, the partner may attack their spouse’s parenting skills.
6. Moving the goalposts. This happens when a manipulative person constantly shifts the criteria one must meet in order to satisfy them. For example, a bully may use their coworker’s clothes as an excuse to harass them. If the individual changes outfits, the bully may claim the person won’t “deserve” professional respect until they change their hairstyle, their accent, or another miscellaneous trait.
7. Using fear to control another person. For instance, a person may use threats of violence or physically intimidating body language.
8. Using social inequities to control another person. For example, a neurotypical person might attempt to use a cognitive disability to demean or ridicule another person or dismiss their experiences.
9. Passive-aggressive behavior. This is a broad category of behavior that includes many strategies such as guilt-tripping, giving backhanded compliments, and more. Passive-aggression is a way of voicing displeasure or anger without directly expressing the emotion.
10. Giving a person the silent treatment. It’s fine to ask for time to reflect on an argument or to tell someone who deeply hurt you that you no longer wish to speak to them. But ignoring a person to punish them or make them fearful is a manipulative tactic.
11. Gaslighting. Gaslighting involves causing the manipulation victim to doubt their own understanding of reality. For example, an abusive person might deny that the abuse happened, telling the victim there’s something wrong with their memory.
12. Recruiting others to help with manipulation. For example, an abusive parent might ask family members or loved ones to remind a child how much the parent has sacrificed for the child. The social pressure may convince the child to stop complaining about abusive behavior.

A manipulative person may combine these forms of emotional manipulation or alternate between them depending on the context.

If you feel like you are being manipulated contact one of our therapist in Phoenix or find a city closer to you.

WHY DO PEOPLE MANIPULATE OTHERS?

Not all manipulation has malicious intent, even when it causes immense harm. Some common reasons people engage in manipulation tactics include:

• Poor communication skills. Some people may be uncomfortable with direct communication. Others may have grown up in houses where manipulative communication was the norm.
• A desire to avoid connection. Some people treat others as means to an end and use manipulation to control them. This is sometimes a symptom of a personality disorder such as narcissistic personality.
• Fear. People may engage in manipulation out of fear, especially fear of abandonment. This often happens during breakups or relationship fights.
• Defensiveness. Manipulation can be a way of avoiding blame. While some people avoid blame as a way to control or abuse another person, others do so because they fear judgment, have low self-esteem, or struggle to face their own shortcomings.
• Social norms. Some forms of manipulation are normal, and perhaps even beneficial. For example, most people learn that it is important to be friendly and cheerful around work colleagues in order to professionally advance.
• Marketing, advertising, and other financial or political incentives. Entire industries are dedicated to manipulating people’s emotions to change their minds, convince them to buy products, or urge them to vote a certain way.

“In many cases, manipulative individuals were not taught effective communication skills. Or worse, they were punished by an influential figure for expressing needs or wants. As a result, the original means for connecting gets overridden and replaced by strategies centered around avoiding any sense of fault. This is adequately achieved in two primary ways: indirect communication and a refusal to be accountable for actions,” Stringer emphasizes.

PROTECTING YOURSELF FROM EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION

If you have fallen for manipulative tactics in the past, know that you are not at fault. Nearly everyone is manipulated at some point. There’s no way to prevent all manipulation.

However, a number of strategies can reduce the impact of emotional manipulation and help you set boundaries. These include:

• Communicating in direct, clear, and specific ways. Direct communication models the behavior you hope for in your relationships and can make it easier to identify manipulation.
• Understanding when manipulation is normal and when it’s not. Most people occasionally make passive-aggressive or manipulative comments. Manipulation is more problematic, and may even be abusive, when it is part of a systematic attempt to control or harm another person and their well-being..
• Setting clear boundaries around manipulation. When a person attempts to manipulate you, tell them how you want them to treat you and then follow your own guideline. For example, “Mom, I understand that you sacrificed a lot for me, but that doesn’t mean you get to belittle me. I can’t talk to you about this until you’re willing to stop changing the subject.”
• Asking for insight from trusted third parties. This can be risky, since manipulative people sometimes recruit outsiders. But if you have a spouse, friend, or family member whom you can trust to be objective, they may offer helpful insights.

Victims of chronic manipulation and emotional abuse may find relief in therapy. A therapist can work with you to identify manipulation, break free from an abusive or emotionally manipulative relationship, and reduce the risk of being trapped in a toxic relationship again. In therapy, you’ll develop healthy boundaries and work through any reluctance or self-doubt you have to enforce those boundaries.

Families and couples who struggle with manipulation can also find help in therapy. A mental health professional may work with all parties to understand why direct communication is a challenge for them, cultivate healthier communication patterns, and find better ways to get their needs met.

Begin your search for a therapist here.

References:

1. Burton, N. (2015, April 14). Don’t fool yourself: seven signs you’re being passive-aggressive. Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/inspired-life/wp/2015/04/14/dont-fool-yourself-seven-signs-that-youre-being-passive-aggressive/
2. Collins, R. F. (n. d.). 10 ways to manipulate at work or at home [PDF]. Retrieved from https://www.ndsu.edu/pubweb/~rcollins/manipulationposter9-16.pdf
3. What is gaslighting? (n. d.). Retrieved from https://www.thehotline.org/what-is-gaslighting

© Copyright 2019 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved.

I work daily with people who have experienced narcissistic abuse. Some grew up in a household with a narcissistic parent. Others are married to someone with narcissism. Still others may simply have a close relationship with a person who is emotionally abusive and has traits of narcissism.

Despite their unique personal circumstances, they are all are seeking help to address and heal from the effects a narcissistic relationship has had on their lives. They generally come to therapy looking not only for help, but also for answers to their questions. In this article, I address eight of the most common questions I am asked by people seeking support for narcissistic and emotional abuse.

1. How do I get my parent/partner/best friend to change?

You cannot change another person. You can only change your own actions and responses, and that can be hard enough! Instead of trying to get someone else to change, I encourage you to simply let that person be who they are. A person who does not want to change will probably not change. Your job is to take care of yourself.

2. How can I keep my children from being hurt by someone with narcissism?

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Children tend to be influenced by the people they are around. If you are concerned about your co-parent’s actions and behavior, or if you have reason to believe they are consistently lying and attempting to manipulate your children, you may be dealing with parental alienation syndrome. Some parents with narcissistic traits use this complex form of covert manipulation as a tool to encourage children to reject the other parent. Parental alienation syndrome shares similarities with brainwashing and can have a serious impact on the parent-child relationship.

If you are the other parent in this scenario, then this can be a challenging situation. The best approach to dealing with this type of abuse is to limit the other parent’s influence on the child. If that not possible, here are some suggestions:

1. Teach your children critical thinking skills.
2. Demonstrate a safe, empathic, non-controlling relationship with your children.
3. Focus on the relationship you have with your children. Try to be more “in tune” with your kids. Spend quality time with them.
4. Relax and enjoy yourself, your kids, and your life.
5. Be the adult. Don’t put yourself in the one-down position. Don’t put yourself in the same position as your children in the family system either.
6. Keep your power. Don’t give it to the other parent.
7. Seek support from a therapist or counselor. Family therapy can also be helpful.

3. What do I say to them when they text or call? 

If you are dealing with a person who is emotionally abusive or manipulative, going “no contact” may be the best solution. Block the person from your phone and on social media. This way you will not have to worry about receiving texts, calls, or messages. If you ever see the person while out, it may be a good idea to avoid them.

If you must talk to this person, keep conversations short, simple, and on topic. Hold on to yourself during the encounter. Don’t get sucked in by attempts to manipulate you. If possible, consider including a third person in the meeting. Ideally, this person is someone you trust to remain non-combative, whose presence can help you remain grounded.

4. How do I handle or respond to the silent treatment?

The best thing to do with the silent treatment is to avoid it. If you know someone you care about is prone to manipulating you with the silent treatment, then you can simply avoid it by staying away from the person when they attempt to use silent treatment. Being in contact with someone who has narcissistic traits is often complicating and confusing. The silent treatment is a powerful manipulation tool. It is a hurtful control tactic. People experiencing silent treatment may feel like they have to do whatever the narcissist wants in order to establish connection again.

Recovering from the effects of narcissistic or emotional abuse can be challenging. But it is possible to heal.

If it is not possible for you to avoid this person, one solution may be to leave the room if you are pointedly being ignored. Surround yourself with safe people instead. The best way to counteract the silent treatment is to take your focus off the other person, connect to someone else, and move on. It may help to remind yourself that the silent treatment is a form of abuse. It is not something you “earned” or “deserved” for something you did or did not do.

5. How do I co-parent with a narcissist?

It is, in most cases, extremely difficult to co-parent with someone who has narcissistic traits. Collaboration and cooperation is often not possible. You have to parent in spite of the fact that the other parent has “issues.” Some people feel as if their children really only have one parent, as in many cases people with narcissism may not be capable of healthy parenting. It’s important to have a support system, especially if, for whatever reason, you have to continue to see and parent with the person (shared custody, for example). A therapist or counselor is often a key part of this support.

6. How do I break free from a narcissistic relationship?

People with narcissism are often described as addictive. The constant cycle of good-bad behavior can create a trauma bond.

The “addiction” to the person with narcissism is really an addiction to the brain chemistry attached to the anticipation and traumatic bonding within the relationship. When a relationship is unfulfilling, you may be left with a constant state of emptiness. This emptiness is temporarily relieved by each positive encounter with the person. In order to overcome this, it may be necessary to entirely abstain. But this can be a difficult journey.

When a relationship feels fulfilling and good, chemicals such as oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins are released in the brain. But chemicals released when trying to detach from a toxic bond, such as cortisol (the stress hormone), are vastly different. They do not feel as good as the “love chemicals,” and you may feel drawn back in to the relationship.

Remind yourself that you may not feel very good for a while. You may experience feelings of withdrawal and grief. But you will heal in time. Turning to friends and family, other members of your support system, practicing self-care, and seeking support from a therapist or counselor are all ways you can work through a difficult breakup.

7. How do I heal from growing up with a narcissistic parent?

Children of narcissistic parents have been developed and conditioned to always evaluate reality based on external reactions. They have learned to use the narcissistic parent as the barometer for how to act and be.

In order to healing to take place, learning to change the vantage point for your identity is an essential step. In other words, it’s important to remember to look within for answers. This shift from what you’ve learned to do in childhood will typically take time and practice to master.

Here are some suggestions to help you on your journey:

• Find your voice.
• Learn how you may have dissociated and/or developed “sub-selves” to cope.
• Work to develop an inner compassionate voice.
• Create self-care mantras: “You are enough.” “You’re not responsible for their feelings.” “It’s not your fault.”
• Connect with safe people, and share your emotions and feelings with them.
• Find a good therapist (who can help you with all of the above).
• Join a support group, such as ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics.)

8. How do I recover from estrangement with my child?

Parents who have been affected by parental alienation may be estranged from their children. This can be very painful. Your emotional energy may be expended in wishing your child would realize the truth and reach out to you for reconciliation. You may feel hopeless or experience grief, depression, or despair.

A counselor can support you and help you work through your feelings. It can also help to:

1. Remind yourself that it’s not your fault.
2. Live the best life you can.
3. Keep lines of communication open.
4. Don’t allow yourself to be abused by your child.
5. Listen with empathy when and if your child talks to you. Allow them to state their feelings or the truth as they believe it, but do not tolerate disrespect.
6. Practice self-care. This can include spending time with loved ones, getting enough sleep, avoiding sad or triggering situations, or pursuing hobbies you enjoy, among other things.
7. Offer your love to others. In other words, you have emotional energy to expend in loving ways. Don’t hold it in.
8. Try not to give up hope. It can help to live each day with a heart that is open and ready for reconciliation. None of us know what tomorrow will bring.

Recovering from the effects of narcissistic or emotional abuse can be challenging. But it is possible to heal. I encourage you to seek support through this difficult journey. Reach out to your loved ones, and seek the help of a compassionate counselor. You are not alone!

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References:

1. Arabi, S. (2016). Becoming the narcissist’s nightmare. New York, NY: Archer Publishing.
2. Carnes, P.(1997). The betrayal bond: Breaking free from exploitative relationships. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.
3. Childress, C. A. (2015). An attachment-based model of parental alienation: Foundations. Claremont, CA:  Oaksong Press.
4. Cori, J. L. (2017). The emotionally absent mother: How to recognize and heal the invisible effects of childhood emotional neglect. New York, NY: The Experiment, LLC.

Bullying is described as a behavior marked by two distinct features: the intent to create a power imbalance and the frequency with which it occurs. There are various strategies used to gain and manipulate this power over others, but it’s often the instances of bullying involving physical aggression in school settings that get the most attention. For the purposes of this article, I’d like to shift the focus to a more subtle and common type of bullying: relational aggression.

Relational aggression is defined as a nonphysical form of aggression with the motive to impair the targeted individual’s social standing or reputation. Unlike physical bullying, we have probably all been on the receiving end of relational aggression at some time or another. Because we are social creatures and wired to desire acceptance, this form of bullying can be particularly toxic.

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My hope is to increase awareness about when and how relational aggression occurs so it is more easily identified, and to offer more effective ways of responding. First, let’s look at some examples across various contexts:

• At your local gym, you notice each week the same two or three individuals always stare at you and then begin to whisper.
• You’ve joined a group of friends for lunch. After you’ve shared details of a recent work accomplishment, one of your friends does an eyeroll and says something condescending or sarcastic like, “Oh, wow, look at you, all grown up and adulting finally.”
• When you arrive to meet your sibling and some mutual friends at a concert, your sibling immediately launches into her go-to criticism that includes making fun of your outfit or hair.
• While discussing finances, your partner teases you about how insignificant your salary contribution is compared to theirs.
• You are attending a holiday dinner and a family member predictably brings up religion or politics, then begins to berate and insult your character for having different opinions.

Most of us might feel uncomfortable, to some degree, in each of these scenarios. And that is exactly the goal of the instigator. Here are some of the common threads: an attempt to declare superiority over another, domination, the inducing of humiliation or shame, belittling, devaluing, rejection, harassment, and the creation of a sense of separateness between you and others.

While a few instances of relational aggression may not seem to be that bothersome, the cumulative effects can result in lowered self-esteem, decreased confidence, depression, anxiety, distrust, and resentment.

Ironically, it’s the frequency with which relational aggression happens that makes it more difficult to detect. We can become desensitized or adopt an attitude of “that’s just the way things are” in response to these emotionally abusive behaviors. Taking on this perspective will inevitably lead to maladaptive ways of responding. While a few instances of relational aggression may not seem to be that bothersome, the cumulative effects can result in lowered self-esteem, decreased confidence, depression, anxiety, trust issues, and resentment. It can take a real emotional toll over time, and consequently be more difficult to heal from.

Countering these acts of verbal and social aggression requires setting boundaries. Otherwise, the power-seeking individual is continually reinforced by a lack of consequences for the unwanted behavior. Remaining calm when responding is important, as the instigator is often made to feel more powerful the more out of control or emotional the target becomes. Of course, it’s certainly easier said than done to remain calm in the face of emotional bullying.

How Mindfulness Can Help

Mindfulness, along with a little rehearsal, can assist you in staying calm and responding with purpose rather than being emotionally reactive:

• Immediately after the triggering comment/interaction, notice how you feel and label the emotion.
• Notice where that emotion shows up in the body.
• Perform a quick grounding technique such as pushing your feet into the floor, taking a few deep breaths, or subtly stretching to get you reconnected to your body.
• Set a boundary using the xyz script if you can think of nothing else: I feel “x” (label emotion) when you “y” (label offensive behavior factually), so I’d appreciate it if in the future if you’d “z” (suggestion to replace offensive behavior).
• Practice, practice, practice! If you have the foresight, and we often do, to know relational aggression is bound to happen based on past experiences, preparation is an invaluable tool for responding in new ways.

Despite our best efforts, sometimes situations and people won’t budge. I urge you to seek professional support for assistance with coping and responding to relational aggression if you feel unable to make changes on your own.

References:

1. Crick, N.R., & Grotpeter, J.K. (1995). Relational aggression, gender, and social-psychological adjustment. Child Development, 66:710-722.
2. What Is Bullying. (2017, September 28). Retrieved from https://www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/definition/index.html