A realistic, emotionally warm photograph-style image of a diverse couple sitting closely on a park bench, engaged in deep, heartfelt conversation. They appear connected and peaceful, reflecting mutual respect and understanding. The background is softly blurred with golden-hour sunlight filtering through trees, symbolizing clarity and growth. The expressions should convey vulnerability and support, not perfection—natural skin textures, casual clothes, and no overediting. This should feel authentic, capturing the emotional intimacy and mindfulness discussed in the blog. Horizontal orientation, high resolution.In fulfilling relationships, it’s natural to want our loved ones to change. We often recognize their potential and believe that if they adjusted certain behaviors, things would improve. But this mindset can lead to frustration and disappointment, because we ultimately cannot control others.

The key to fulfilling relationships lies in focusing on what we can control: our own reactions and expectations.

Why We Try to Change Others in Fulfilling Relationships

Our urge to change others usually comes from a place of love and concern. We want the best for them and for ourselves. Yet, this well-meaning desire can lead us down a path of trying to “fix” someone, which often strains the relationship.

 

Instead, it’s far more productive to look inward. Ask yourself:

Turning Inward: The Path to Self-Awareness

One powerful approach is practicing mindfulness and self-awareness. Becoming attuned to our own thoughts and emotions helps us uncover the roots of our desire to change others.

Consider this: Are you seeking validation through their changes? Or are you fearing rejection if things stay the same? These insights open the door to personal growth and emotional clarity.

For more on this topic, see Self‑Differentiation and Why It Matters in Families and Relationships.

For deeper context on this practice, you might also explore Verywell Mind’s guide to self-awareness.

Setting Realistic Expectations in Fulfilling Relationships

Accepting that we can’t control others is liberating. It allows us to love and appreciate them as they are, not as we wish they would be.

This doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behavior. Instead, it means:

Learn more in Making Love Last: The Importance of Emotional Intelligence.

Communicating for Connection, Not Control

Effective communication is crucial. Rather than blaming or criticizing, share your perspective honestly and respectfully. Use “I” statements:

This approach fosters empathy and connection, making space for understanding and mutual growth.

See Conflict in Relationships: Do You Own Your Responsibility? for strategies to enhance responsibility and connection.

The Power of Outcome Independence in Growth

Outcome independence is a transformative mindset, especially in personal development and therapy. It means focusing less on the result and more on the journey.

When we detach from specific outcomes:

Therapists often use this to help clients embrace self-discovery. By trusting the process, we create space for true transformation.

Explore this concept further in Mindfulness and the Art of Letting Go.

Final Thoughts: Creating Meaningful, Fulfilling Relationships

Ultimately, the only person we can change is ourselves. When we shift our focus inward, toward growth, awareness, and intentional response—we enrich not only our lives but our relationships.

Embracing change within can lead to more fulfilling relationships built on balance, understanding, and mutual respect. It’s a journey worth taking.

See how Five Domains of a Healthy Relationship: Mindfulness and Resilience outlines the role of mindfulness in relational well-being.

To further explore the emotional side of healthy connections, see this resource on how emotions influence our relationships from HelpGuide.org.

It’s no secret there has been a rise in seeking counsel since 2020. Fear, sadness, frustration, angst, and anger being just the beginning of what started to loom in the air. That was not the hardest part of it, the difficult issue at hand was not knowing how to cope with all those feelings. The question that started to plague minds was “What do I do with these experiences, thoughts, and feelings?”. Often, the famous coping method is to wrap an anchor around your problems and throw it into the sea, pretending like nothing happened. The issue with that is, pain and wounds fester. Somehow that anchor gets undone and bubbles up to the surface showing up in different areas of our lives if not given attention after a period of time. 

Emotional intelligence plays a key part, even more so than intelligence quotient (IQ) in our daily lives. Emotional intelligence has been taking a back seat to IQ in a sense, because what has usually been ingrained in many of us for a longtime has always been doing well with academics, being book smart to get good grades, to get accepted into good schools, in hopes of having a decent job that pays well one day. While those things are a significant part of life and do matter, it does not teach you how to form and sustain relationships while trying to build your career or become financially free. IQ does not help you communicate you need help when you’re having a difficult time with academics and are feeling frustrated and defeated.  

What is emotional intelligence (EQ)?  

Emotional Intelligence is defined as the ability to create self-awareness, engage in self-regulation, or in other words manage and process your emotions in healthy ways. EQ is being able to extend empathy toward others including yourself, communicate effectively, deal with conflict, and overcome challenges that present itself. 

Some characteristics of individuals with low EQ tend to be those who get upset quicker, feel misunderstood or judged repeatedly, and have issues dealing with overwhelming emotions which can result in frequent outbursts. Individuals with high EQ often remain calm when faced with a rush of emotion because they are able to identify how they are feeling and take a step back and analyze how to behave. These individuals can remain calm in pressure situations and navigate dealing with difficult people (ex: those in authority positions).  

Now what does all this really mean and what are the practical steps toward increasing your EQ?  

EQ can help you climb what you view as a mountain in your life. A big part of being able to climb these mountains is learning how to connect with your feelings and be able to sit and observe them.  

The mountain in your life may resemble for example feeling stuck in your current job where you feel unappreciated and under compensated for the work you produce. You are unaware how to ask for an increase in pay because you have never been taught to ask for more than what you’ve been given or to go after what you thought you deserved. It seems like an inconceivable thought.  If you’ve learned or been taught through your environment to deal with the cards you been dealt, then that has a lot to do with how you view yourself and how you perceive your worth.  

In 2020, a significant amount of individuals lost their loved ones. This had a huge impact on the world being that so many were robbed of being able to say goodbye due to hospital restrictions. If you were able to say goodbye it was through video means but equally as emotionally frustrating. Losing a loved one is already a painful experience in itself but adding on having to experience being told you cannot physically come and kiss your loved one or be able to provide physical comfort in holding their hand through scary moments. That can be traumatizing.  

Maybe you are one of those people who had to go through this or currently are. I am sure you experienced amongst many other emotions: rage, deep sadness and frustration and shock. Where did those emotions go? How did you process your grief? What may have you channeled these emotions/feelings into? Most people commonly channel uncomfortable emotions into their work as a way of distracting themselves and keeping busy. This can result in overtiring the body, experiencing frequent headaches and not having mental space for relationships or other conversations. Other’s may drown in their feelings being that it may feel so overbearing they become numb and sleep the days away finding it difficult to come back to the surface.  

Take a brief moment to answer those questions in the paragraph above. If you resonate with this at all I recommend seeking counsel if you’re having a hard time processing however I am going to list a few practical ways in the next paragraph to start slowing down and working toward your EQ.  

EQ in a more practical way can be broken into a few parts: self-management, self-awareness, social awareness, and relationship management. Self-management can look like bringing your focus to how you react/respond to others. Notice your vocabulary and your body language. Do you get defensive? Do you think before you speak or blurt out the first thought you have? In addition to noticing this, a practical step you can take is to log your negative thought patterns in a journal, computer or phone device when you experience strong emotions or physical reactions throughout the day. This will help you identify patterns within yourself.  

It is important to be mindful of your own behavior because another method that will help you increase your EQ is to know how to adjust your behavior based on how others are affected by you. Being able to recognize how other’s are feeling or how they may receive you is a form of self and social awareness. You can carry this out by taking conscious breaths and focusing just for 5-10 seconds on your hands and feet to ground yourself to give yourself that pause to reconnect with your body before continuing to engage in the public setting or one on one with another person.  

A principal part of increasing your EQ is asking for feedback from those closest to you. If you feel you don’t have someone reliable to ask feedback from then seek out a boss, supervisor, life coach, therapist or some sort of counsel to invest in. I recommend this because auditing yourself in every season is vital to measuring growth. We all need a little course correction and reminders from time to time regarding things we are not able to see in ourselves. It is difficult to examine yourself alone because others may notice things in us that we may not be looking for because our attention is on hundreds of other things we’re working through or toward.  

Emotional Intelligence is a key element in navigating our lives. Keep in mind how you work towards bettering yourself in this area may not mirror the next person. This is an ever-growing journey and what you do towards this will change from season to season and as your life changes.  

Adult with short hair and facial hair looks out window thoughtfully, smiling slightlyEmotion and emotional expression play a fundamental role in our daily lives. Evolutionary psychologists believe emotions serve a primal function in helping us navigate and adapt to our ever-changing environment. Emotions shape our attitudes, moods, and behaviors and, in many instances, even dictate our success.

Researchers generally agree that at least six universal emotions exist: fear, disgust, anger, sadness, surprise, and happiness. Positive emotions have been widely studied and shown to promote inner strength and resiliency. In the workplace, positive emotions can help workers generate new ideas and are considered ideal for effective brainstorming. Furthermore, positive emotions promote social bonds by helping us forge relationships with others.

There is no question there is power in positivity. However, some researchers argue other emotions are just as important and should be carefully considered when trying to achieve certain outcomes. In his book The Emotionally Intelligent Manager, Dr. David Caruso of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence shares his insight into how a narrow focus on positive emotions can limit our ability to authentically connect with others.

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“A relentless focus on positive emotions fails to recognize the fact all emotions can be smart, adaptive, and helpful. As we put on a happy face and ask people ‘how are you?’ in a high-energy pleasant manner, we do not invite honest and open dialogue. We set up a demand that the person we ask the question of provides vapid answers such as ‘great,’ ‘fine,’ or ‘awesome.’ ”

Emotion theorists believe emotions such as fear, sadness, or frustration serve a functional purpose: they convey certain needs that stimulate corrective action. While some may try to ignore these so-called “negative emotions,” people with high emotional intelligence know all emotions contain important data—and they use that information to their advantage.

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Emotional intelligence refers to a person’s ability to identify, understand, and manage emotions. People with high emotional intelligence can effectively integrate their emotions with their thinking to produce desired outcomes. In fact, research has consistently found positive associations between emotional intelligence and workplace performance, making it a highly sought-after competency in corporate America.

Emotionally intelligent people quickly learn to identify negative emotions and use them in adaptive ways to achieve greater success. The following are six noted benefits associated with negative emotions:

1. Greater Self-Awareness

Negative emotions serve a protective function by alerting us to potential threats and letting us know when it’s time to change what we are doing or thinking. Because negative emotions tend to be experienced more strongly, they must be carefully attended to. Emotionally intelligent people take what they learn from their experiences with negative emotions and use that information to increase their self-awareness. This allows them to more accurately identify what they are feeling in future situations and strategically evaluate whether those emotions will best serve them in that moment.

Self-awareness is a key component of success as it improves our judgment and helps us identify opportunities for professional development and personal growth. In fact, many psychologists claim that the healthiest, most effective leaders are the ones who are most self-aware.

2. Motivated Action

Negative emotions such as fear or anxiety can be powerful motivators that encourage perseverance. They work by narrowing our field of attention and perception to prepare us to act in specific ways. All humans experience fear, but emotionally intelligent people know how to harness their fear and use it to their advantage.

All humans experience fear, but emotionally intelligent people know how to harness their fear and use it to their advantage.

The intelligent use of fear involves the ability to recognize its presence in the moment and relabel it as something useful. For example, it is natural to feel anxious prior to giving a presentation at work. People with high emotional intelligence recognize symptoms of fear and use cognitive reappraisal to control the fear. They may tell themselves the fear is just their body’s way of giving them the energy they need to give a great performance. In many instances, anxiety can facilitate performance just as easily as it can debilitate it.

3. Greater Attention to Detail

According to researchers, if you need to review a document for errors, it may be beneficial to foster a slightly negative mood. Negative emotions have been found to be beneficial when engaging in activities that require greater attention to detail. Periods of sadness encourage slower, more systematic cognitive processing. As such, when people experience sadness, they rely less on quick conclusions and pay more attention to subtle details that matter. Negative emotions are useful for alerting us when situations are new or challenging and when greater attention is needed to produce an effective response.

4. Enhanced Creativity

Negative emotions have been linked to greater creative output. Researchers have found that people experiencing frustration or anger are less likely to think in systematic ways, and more likely to engage in flexible, unstructured thought processes. This type of processing is associated with being able to see the “bigger picture,” which can be beneficial during brainstorming sessions. Furthermore, because anger elicits a more energizing feeling, it can be helpful for generating the sustained attention needed to solve problems more creatively.

5. Greater Problem Solving

Anxiety is a helpful emotion when quick solutions to complicated problems are needed. Anxiety and fear stimulate the body’s fight-or-flight system, which can facilitate problem-solving mechanisms. The fight-or-flight process allows the body to metabolize a significant amount of energy in a short amount of time. This helps prepare the body to act quickly in potentially threatening or uncomfortable situations. Anger can also be beneficial when trying to problem-solve, as it has been linked to better performance in negotiations, especially when they are confrontational in nature.

6. Authentic Presence

Emotionally intelligent people are open-minded when it comes to their emotions. They objectively evaluate negative emotions, select the ones that will best serve them, put them into practice, and leave the rest behind. This allows them to maintain a high level of congruence between their internal feelings and outward displays of emotion and behaviors. Emotionally intelligent people often value transparency and, because they are not afraid to share their emotions, are generally viewed as genuine and authentic beings.

If you’d like to learn more about emotional intelligence and how to develop it, work with a licensed therapist in your area.

References:

  1. Caruso, D. R., & Salovey, P. (2004). The emotionally intelligent manager: How to develop and use the four key emotional skills of leadership. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons.
  2. Cohn, M. A., Fredrickson, B. L., Brown, S. L., Mikels, J. A., & Conway, A. M. (2009). Happiness unpacked: Positive emotions increase life satisfaction by building resilience. Emotion, 9(3), 361.
  3. Ekman, P. (1992). An argument for basic emotions. Cognition & emotion, 6(3-4), 169-200.
  4. Goleman, D. (1996). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Learning, 24(6), 49-50.
  5. Graham, S. M., Huang, J. Y., Clark, M. S., & Helgeson, V. S. (2008). The positives of negative emotions: Willingness to express negative emotions promotes relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 34(3), 394-406.
  6. Hershfield, H. E., & Adler, J. M. (2012). Mixed emotional experience is associated with and precedes improvements in well-being. ACR North American Advances.

Couple on floor sitting together looking through papersPartnering for life takes dedication. Almost everyone would agree that trust and commitment are needed for every healthy relationship to flourish. But what are some of the other essential characteristics for a mutually fulfilling and loving partnership?

People who are in relationships or who desire to find lasting love might wonder, what is it that makes love last? How do some marriages or partnerships survive and thrive while others plunge and dive? Emotionally intelligent couples seem to be on to something. But what specifically are they doing to strengthen and develop their relationships?

What Is Love?

The word “love” may bring to mind a variety of thoughts and feelings. These ideas may differ from person to person. So what does love actually mean?

When it comes to the study of love, the English language can be somewhat limiting in its definition. Ancient Greek provides a much richer understanding of the many dimensions of love. In Ancient Greek, there are many different words for love. For the purposes of this article, I’ll focus on three words: éros, philia, and storgē. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

Emotional Intelligence

It is generally the case that couples with thriving, strong relationships have well-developed emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence describes a person’s ability to be aware of, control, and express emotions in a healthy manner. In other words, it is the capacity to handle relationships appropriately and empathetically. In a partnership, emotional intelligence translates into the ability to be in touch with your own emotions as well as those of your partner.

A person’s capacity for empathy and ability to talk about emotions in a healthy and loving way are both components of emotional intelligence. In a partnership or marriage, emotional intelligence may be seen in many areas. It is sustained over the course of a lifetime and is vital for making love last.

The following are eight key areas where emotionally intelligent couples practice loving well.

1. Friendship

At the core of a good relationship is friendship. Emotionally intelligent couples stand the test of time because they are friends who support and care for each other. They share a bond of mutual affection. They know each other’s internal world and understand each other’s likes and dislikes. They are companions and confidants.

2. Deep respect

Emotionally intelligent couples respect each other and have feelings of deep admiration toward each other. They are able to honor their partner and their needs and wishes and hold them in high regard or esteem. Partners generally think very well of each other and can each appreciate the unique qualities, achievements, or abilities of the other. They demonstrate on a regular basis that they appreciate one another, both verbally and nonverbally.

3. Communication

In a partnership or marriage, emotional intelligence may be exhibited in many areas. It is sustained over the course of a lifetime and is vital for making love last.

Couples who are able to communicate their thoughts, needs, and feelings in a healthy way are more likely to have a thriving relationship than couples who have difficulty with communication. Their conversations don’t regularly display signs of criticism or contempt, and they typically do not start off abruptly.

Dr. John Gottman found, while conducting research on couples, that conversations generally end poorly when they start out harshly. In fact, the first three minutes of a conversation often determine its outcome. Emotionally intelligent couples generally speak to one another in a respectful manner, conveying this respect through tone, intonation, and intent.

4. Conflict management

Couples who have thriving, lasting relationships generally know how to navigate conflict. They have learned how to effectively manage their disagreements and differences in life. It is not necessarily the case that they have less conflict than other couples. Rather, they have figured out how to listen and understand the perspective or position of the other. They have also likely learned how to exercise compromise in their relationship.

5. Encouraging the relationship

Emotionally intelligent couples encourage the relationship, through understanding of their identity as a couple in addition to their separate identities as individuals. They feel confident in their respective roles and in the partnership itself. They are for the relationship. They don’t threaten it by saying things like, “I want a divorce,” or “I am going to leave you.” Instead, they talk about problems that arise, as they arise. If the problems are too difficult to solve on their own, they seek help from a professional.

6. Exercising healthy boundaries

Couples who thrive exercise clear boundaries, especially when dealing with other relationships. They recognize the slippery slope of infidelity and don’t create space for emotional or physical affairs to happen. They utilize what the late Dr. Shirley Glass illustrates on in her research on infidelity. Whether they recognize it or not, they view the world outside through a glass window of openness and honesty. Together, they construct a wall that shields them from forces that have the power to separate them or otherwise challenged the relationship. In order to keep their relationship a priority, they exercise a united front.

7. Being aware of meaning, value, and purpose

Emotionally intelligent couples are aware of what is meaningful to each other. This might translate into understanding what motivates the other in life and what they are passionate about, such as their dreams, goals, or values. Couples who thrive support each other’s endeavors to have a meaningful and purposeful life—both individually and together.

8. Sharing life

Couples who thrive share their lives. They find ways of connecting on a regular basis. Whether they acknowledge it or not, they are mindful of staying connected and turning toward their partner. They have at least a few common interests or shared activities, and they take time to recreate together. In the words of Henry David Thoreau, “There is no remedy for love but to love more.”

Making love last takes dedication and commitment, but it is certainly possible to do so. Being mindful of the ways to practice éros, philia and storgē love can help you make love last in all areas of your life. [amazon_affiliate]

If you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship, or want help developing emotional intelligence with your partner, consider reaching out to a trained couples counselor today.

References:

  1. Lewis, C. S. (1960). The four loves. New York, NY: Harcourt Bruce Jovanovich, Publishers.
  2. Glass, S. P. (2004). Not “just friends:” Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity. New York, NY: Free Press.
  3. Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Woman yawns and covers mouth outside.While it’s stereotypical to be asked about one’s feelings in therapy, a common counter to that question is, “I don’t know!” or, “I’m not feeling anything right now.”

Part of my job, then, is often to alert people to the possibility they are having a feeling and they may be getting in its way.

Perhaps the most important part of therapy is asking yourself the feelings question when you’re outside of the counseling room. As it turns out, there are some surprising signals that you may be having a feeling. Let’s look at a few possible tells.

Beyond the Story

Feelings have less logic than thoughts. Many people who seek therapeutic support have thought their way backward and forward about their issue, yet they may be missing the emotional aspect.

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Stories are compelling. When a person in therapy is good storyteller, it can be enthralling. Of course, they are probably enthralling to others; they don’t need to pay me to be one more member of their audience. This leaves me with the somewhat challenging job of interjecting.

“Okay, but what are you feeling?” I ask.

Sometimes, there are physical signs of something being experienced internally.

Physical Clues to Feelings

No, I don’t think there is a deeper emotional meaning in everything.

Sometimes a cough is just a cough. But occasionally, if I’m sensing someone is clouding their emotions with some avoidant behavior, I take a chance and ask a strange (if not impertinent) question about what else is happening for them. (My hope is that the person coming to me for support will start doing this on their own, outside of therapy.)

A few examples that might be worded more carefully in the moment:

Sure, some people laugh. Some get angry. But once they sit with these questions, a good 75% of the time we discover something we weren’t talking about that we can now bring into the room.

Sure, some people laugh. Some get angry. But once they sit with these questions, a good 75% of the time we discover something we weren’t talking about that we can now bring into the room.

I’ve been on the other end. Many times. All of this comes from years of my own therapist asking me these sometimes laughable, sometimes absurd, but often accurate and helpful questions.

Sometimes I just need to pee, but I know how much I’ve worked on my anger, so it doesn’t hurt to take a few minutes to explore if I’m holding back something. Maybe it’s mild irritation that my therapist isn’t “getting me” today. Maybe it’s full-on rage at something I’ve been stuffing.

These are just a few possible cues. You know yourself. What physical tics may be an indication of a feeling for you?

Now What?

The feedback I get after expressing this stuff to a person in therapy is usually, “Okay, now what?”

Well, now you get to let the feeling be. Now you get to come out of your story. Now you get to park your thoughts and see what might be driving. You get to examine what might be getting in the way of connecting to your partner. You get to consider what might be stopping you from following through on tasks for a boss you don’t like.

When you can acknowledge your feeling, you don’t have to spend energy squelching it and hiding it from others.

Hey, you’re one of the lucky ones. You’re in therapy. You can express that feeling without judgment and without it taking control of you.

Who knew a seemingly ill-timed burp could hold so much?

(Excuse me.)

Adult with curly hair pulled back in bun sits on floor, looking out window, working on letterHave you ever felt lonely and wondered why? We don’t have to be alone or isolated to feel alone. Loneliness can happen when we are with family, when we get along well with other members of our community, and even when we have many friends on social media. So what, exactly, is loneliness? We feel lonely when we perceive that our social needs are not being met. Loneliness is an internal, subjective matter, explains Judith Shulevitz, science editor of The New Republic, in her 2013 essay on loneliness. It’s not about what’s happening to us on the outside, but rather what’s happening on the inside—how we think and feel about a situation.

Loneliness is an experience, a feeling of social disconnection. It can be induced by loss or a major life transition. Changing schools, a miscarriage, or a breakup can result in feeling lonely. All of these experiences share in common a broken connection. But more importantly, they share the perception one lacks an emotional bond, a bond we’re meant to have with others. How we perceive it may depend on our past.

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John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth describe this bond in infants and their parents (or primary caregivers) in their well-known attachment theory (Mercer, 2006). Their research suggests that, like infants, adults rely on an attachment figures to feel safe and supported. In fact, we unknowingly learn about relationships from attachment experiences in our early years. The attachment behaviors that develop when we are young tend to predict the way we behave when we are older. Thus, it can be insightful to think about our relationships with our parents as we grew up.

Another perspective on loneliness is that of evolutionary science. In this view, human survival depended on our ability to collaborate and share resources, explains Lynch (2017). We’re meant to connect and share our lives because our survival depended on it. We’ve become hard-wired to be social.

We know the distress loneliness causes human beings in extreme cases of social disconnection. Think, for instance, of the consequences of solitary confinement, which may include emotional distress, perceptual distortions, and self-harm. Think of the movie Cast Away, where Tom Hanks, depicting a man stranded on an island, created an imaginary friend out of a volleyball. It’s far from inconceivable. Our need to connect is strong.

Our understanding of and positive response to emotions is important in protecting us from the undesirable feeling of loneliness.

There is still much to learn about loneliness. Scholars continue to explore this topic, and contributing factors are still under study. However, research to date suggests emotional intelligence (EI), defined as the ability to identify and manage emotions, can be a strong predictor of loneliness (Zysberg, 2011). In other words, our understanding of and positive response to emotions is important in protecting us from the undesirable feeling of loneliness.

How can we use EI to overcome feelings of loneliness?

Commitment to actions that may alleviate loneliness is an important ingredient for success. It can be helpful to schedule time each day to work on these changes. Cognitive behavioral therapy remains a popular treatment for loneliness (Russo, 2018). If you can’t shake feelings of loneliness, consult with a mental health professional.

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References:

  1. Lynch, T. (2017). Lonely apes die—A new psychotherapy for chronic depression and anorexia nervosa. Retrieved from https://www.newharbinger.com/blog/lonely-apes-die—-new-psychotherapy-chronic-depression-and-anorexia-nervosa
  2. Mercer, D. (2006). Understanding attachment: Parenting, child care, and emotional development. Westport, CT: Praeger.
  3. Russo, F. (2018). The toxic well of loneliness. Scientific American, 318(1), 64-69.
  4. Shulevitz, J. (2013). The lethality of loneliness. Retrieved from https://newrepublic.com/article/113176/science-loneliness-how-isolation-can-kill-you
  5. Zysberg, L. (2011). Loneliness and emotional intelligence. The Journal of Psychology, 146, 37-46. doi: 1080/00223980.2011.574746

Calm child leaning on lap of parent with kittenGiving children coping skills for their emotions is one of the most important tasks of parenting. Children lacking these tools may blame others for how they feel or demonstrate how they’re feeling in inappropriate ways. If a child has no words to verbalize their intense emotions, they’re at risk for being emotionally stunted for the rest of their lives. Emotionally arrested adults lack the ability to self-soothe when they’re upset, or to delay lashing out on an impulse.

The following are 12 tips to give your child tools for handling their uncomfortable feelings.

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  1. Use feeling words when speaking to your child. “Sad” and “disappointed” are feeling words. “What were you thinking?” and “You never listen!” are not.
  2. Be more curious and less educating. Ask your child to elaborate about their uncomfortable feelings. An example of this is to say, “You seem sad, tell me about it,” not “That’s not a good reason to feel that way.” Don’t shame or scold your child about their feelings, even if your goal is to make them feel better.
  3. Don’t keep score. “Well, now you know how that feels,” “Well, if you hadn’t …” and “That happened to me and I didn’t feel that way!” are statements that teach kids their feelings are wrong. This may lead to them feeling bad about themselves and becoming defensive.
  4. Talk about negative emotions being transitory, like the weather, the tides, seasons, or the phases of the moon. Feelings will change; they have to. It’s okay to feel bad. Respect the uncomfortable feeling and remember it will change.
  5. Get a poster of emojis with the feelings written below each face. Refer to it often.
  6. Every evening, take turns talking about the pleasant and unpleasant feelings you each experienced that day. Focus on the emotions such as “proud,” “frustrated,” etc., and put less focus on the story or circumstance preceding each feeling.
  7. Talk about how you handle your own uncomfortable feelings. Perhaps you go to the gym, journal, run, talk to a friend, read, garden, or meditate.
  8. Help your child write a list of things they can do when they feel uncomfortable emotions. The list may include listening to music, drawing outside with chalk, singing, doing a puzzle, playing a game, writing a letter/email, writing a gratitude list, taking pictures, dancing, talking about it, shooting baskets, hitting a punching bag, skating, coloring, baking something, or making a card for someone. Keep the list where they can use it when they’re upset.
    If you handled a situation poorly, apologize and then model forgiving yourself. How you handle your emotions will be your child’s most influential guide.
  9. Create an art corner with supplies so your child can draw, paint, color, collage, or sculpt clay to illustrate how they’re feeling. “Show me how you feel” exercises can encourage your child to use a creative outlet.
  10. Help your child start an “altered book.” Buy a secondhand hard-bound book, then glue 10 to 20 pages together at a time so the book has thick pages. Show your child how to cut out magazine pictures and collage over the book cover. Then your child can open their personalized altered book and create a collage, painting, or drawing of a feeling on each page. They can add to this work of art whenever they’re feeling a strong emotion. Be sure to stay curious and interested if your child is young, while giving older children and teens privacy to express themselves.
  11. Do outdoor physical activities with your child. Such activities may include skateboarding, surfing, soccer, catch, tennis, shooting baskets, swimming, yoga at the park, kayaking, hiking, bicycling, rock climbing, etc. Have your child rate an uncomfortable feeling on a scale of 1 to 10 before the activity, then again after they’ve exercised. Even if they only go from a 9 to an 8, praise them for lowering the negative emotion on their own.
  12. Volunteer together. Model for your child the inner peace that comes from giving back and helping others who are less fortunate. Activities may include helping at a soup kitchen, taking supplies to a homeless shelter, helping out at an animal shelter, making gift bags to give those asking for help at the freeway off-ramp, going on a house-building mission, adopting an elderly person in an assisted-living home, etc. Make giving to others a regular activity. Participating in generosity and feeling appreciated is one of the best antidotes when feeling bad.

Be kind to yourself if you don’t make the most of every opportunity to teach your child about emotions. You will have many chances before they grow up and leave the home. If you handled a situation poorly, apologize and then model forgiving yourself. How you handle your emotions will be your child’s most influential guide.

For more ideas for helping your child manage their emotions, contact a licensed therapist in your area who works with children and parents.

Multi-exposure photo of face with three different emotionsI like to think of therapy as a place to try on emotions. I’m not implying there are emotions we don’t have yet; we’re given the capacity for the spectrum. But fully expressing how one feels in a healthy manner is not always easy to do.

It’s not easy because it gets socialized out of us early on. As children, we quickly learn what is “appropriate.” This may differ at home, at school, and maybe even with different caregivers. At some point, we settle into how we generally express ourselves, whether it’s with anger, sadness, happiness, amusement, or some combination of emotions. This is part of how we identify our personality. Feelings big or small, held in or let loose, comprise an unconscious, growing sense of how we emotionally exist in the world.

Sometimes people seek therapy to learn to express these feelings. Anger management, for example, is meant to shift how anger is expressed. Likewise, grief and bereavement counseling following a loss can help with those emotional expressions.

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More often, though, people’s reasons for coming to therapy are different. Feelings and emotions more typically come up with respect to movement toward another goal, such as improving relationships, work advancement, or assertiveness. Still, cruelly, it’s often the unhealthy expression of feelings and emotions that gets in the way of these presenting goals.

In therapy, we travel back in time to see how the ways we emotionally express ourselves were taught to us and subsequently internalized. With these insights, we can make new decisions going forward about how we want to show our feelings.

Being Taught How to Have Emotions

In therapy work with parents, one major focus tends to be modeling. This looks at how you’d like your child to act in different situations, of course, but also at teaching your child how to express their feelings in a healthy way.

In therapy, we travel back in time to see how the ways we emotionally express ourselves were taught to us and subsequently internalized.

You don’t have to be a parent to know kids tantrum. It’s how they express anger, exhaustion, fear, disappointment, excitement, and other emotions. By labeling emotions—“That uncomfortable feeling when your face gets all hot and you want to crawl into a hole? That’s embarrassment”—we slowly learn we don’t need to throw ourselves on the floor anymore. We come to understand the emotion, how it feels in our body, how it feels in our heart. We can express it and not let it control us.

Children watch their moms and dads be angry or sad, and in so doing they learn how to “have” these feelings. Parents who hide their tears or never argue (in a healthy way) in front of their children rob them of amazing learning opportunities. When these opportunities arise, with their kids watching, parents can model, “This is how people settle differences. It’s uncomfortable, but these emotions don’t have to be scary.”

Experimenting with Emotions in Therapy

Emotions are layered. Sometimes we have to go through a lot of anger to get to sadness. Sometimes we need to locate that anger under strata of sarcasm.

And this is what often keeps people from achieving those presenting goals, from making their relationships and work lives better. We spend time and energy protecting the expression of these feelings. We don’t peel back the layers.

The therapeutic relationship allows for a safe space—and I don’t use that term loosely—to express feelings and emotions, to peel them back, to study them, to see how they work. In daily life, it’s rare we show how we authentically feel, even in our most trusted relationships. Sometimes we think we’ve expressed a feeling because we expressed it the way we were socialized to do. Then we realize how our stomach still hurts, how we’re still replaying that moment with our boss over and over in our head, how we can’t sleep, how we’re eating way more than we need to.

In the therapy room, we can look deeper. We can unpack our feelings and emotions and see if there is more to express. We can take a chance and get really angry or really sad—or even really, unabashedly happy, if that’s difficult for us.

Therapy is a place to experiment with emotions we’ve always had but either didn’t know how to express or felt inhibited in expressing. We can try it all on. Because it’s all inside us.

Couple sits at kitchen counter, looking happily at each other while deep in conversationDo you ever wonder how happily married couples stay that way? As it turns out, happy couples are pretty much like every other couple. They have heated arguments. They have work stresses. They struggle to raise their kids. Difficult family situations pop up, and often partners don’t see eye to eye. So what sets happily married couples apart? What keeps them relatively happy and satisfied?

One important distinction that sets happily married couples apart from unhappily married couples is a greater capacity for emotional intelligence (EQ) in their relationship. What exactly is emotional intelligence, you ask? It can be defined as being skilled in awareness of your emotions, understanding your emotions and managing your emotions in a wise and empathetic way. Emotions are a powerful force that sets the tone for a marriage, good or bad.

Happy couples apply their emotional intelligence in their daily interactions with each other. They discuss issues in a courteous way. They listen. Their positive interactions outweigh their negative interactions. They tend to express admiration, understanding, and respect for each other.

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There is a feeling that your partner is in your corner, has your back, and will support you no matter what. These characteristics create a positive emotional climate leading to feelings of closeness, intimacy, and greater overall satisfaction and happiness.

The way you feel about your feelings known as meta-emotions affects the way you interact with your partner. If you were taught as a child that negative feelings are bad and you were discouraged from expressing them, you may find yourself minimizing or avoiding conflict as much as possible or you may find yourself denying your feelings and working hard to please others. Uncomfortable negative feelings such as anger, fear, or hurt are useful signals letting you know something is wrong and needs to be attended to. Avoiding these powerful feelings only strengthens their negative impact on you and your relationship, thus making it more difficult to cope when they resurface over and over again.

Make a commitment to acknowledge, understand, and express your emotions without using criticism, blame, or judgment.

Here are a few ways you can raise your emotional intelligence in your relationship:

  1. Make friends with your feelings. Identify what you are feeling and what triggered this feeling. Take some time, away from your partner if necessary, to understand what is causing you to feel this way. Is there a history to this feeling? Give yourself permission to feel angry, hurt, or afraid. Your feelings do not define who you are as a person.
  2. Calm down. Negative feelings have a way of overwhelming us and clouding our judgment. When flooded with a negative perspective, it is difficult to be objective and look at things in a balanced way. You may find yourself being more critical or defensive than usual. Decrease your tension by taking a break from the problem. Relax your mind and body with activities you enjoy, such as listening to music, reading, walking, or meditating.
  3. Turn toward your partner. After you have identified your feelings and returned to a calmer state, you are ready to begin a more productive conversation. Express your needs in an assertive but non-aggressive way. Try to listen to your partner without interrupting. Acknowledge and validate your partner’s feelings. If negative feelings flare up again, take another break from the issue. Do not start a discussion again for anywhere from 20 minutes to 24 hours.

Make a commitment to acknowledge, understand, and express your emotions without using criticism, blame, or judgment. Negative emotions are not the enemy; it’s how they are expressed that can be problematic. When negative emotions come up, take a break, calm down, and then try turning again toward your partner to discuss. Doing so will most likely lead to greater connection and understanding between you, increasing your level of satisfaction and happiness in your relationship.

Reference:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2000). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. New York, NY: Harmony.

sad girl sitting and thinking in the classroomWhen was the last time you saw one of those charts that has a bunch of yellow, circular faces representing a variety of feelings? Elementary school? Perhaps it’s time to refresh yourself. Happy, sad, frustrated, confused, disappointed, surprised … we often identify these and other feelings by examining facial expressions. Feelings are often deeper and more complicated than that, however. Psychotherapy is often about identifying and exploring feelings that might not be apparent on the surface.

Sometimes we might think we feel, say, anger or irritation when talking about an issue, but it may turn out a whole bunch of feelings that are more applicable, interesting, and useful are underneath. For example, a person might come to therapy talking about why her supervisor’s method of running meetings irritates her. Upon further exploration, however, we might find that the irritation is masking a feeling of her feedback being devalued. We can then come up with solutions to process and manage that feeling.

The feeling remains just a feeling. As with a passing rain shower, we get wet or take out an umbrella, or possibly even enjoy the depth of being alive, even if the feeling itself is unpleasant.

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Sometimes a feeling profoundly affects a person’s well-being. Instead of a passing rain shower, it feels more like a tsunami that has swallowed the person up. In the previous example, the feeling of being devalued by the supervisor may extend to coworkers or even people outside of work. This person might be attaching more meaning and weight than is necessary to the feeling. In other words, she may be over-identifying with the feeling to such an extent it has a negative effect on unrelated areas of her life.

A feeling is not an identity that has a mind of its own and gets to run your life.

A feeling is not an identity that has a mind of its own and gets to run your life. When we over-identify with feelings, we may start to feel that they are truth—permanent states, even—that take control and determine our life paths. Feelings are just responses to certain events and people, and while many events have a certain predictability of feelings that follow, they are still just a part of our emotional selves. We likely have many other feelings and experiences even when we are feeling dismissed, sad, or angry. But over-identifying with one sends them all to the background.

Some of us are more emotional than others. If you have strong reactions to the news, for example, you might also ruminate on another’s problem or a small piece of feedback that another person might brush off. There’s nothing wrong with being sensitive and empathetic, but when these feelings become unproductive and affect your well-being, or when you feel that a wave of emotion has swallowed you whole, you might consider the following actions:

So the next time you’re feeling off-balance because of a feeling, try to see it for what it is—just a feeling that will pass—and let it be. If it sticks around, or if it seems to return again and again, try challenging it with self-compassion and perhaps a thought chart. Comment below if you want some feedback on a thought chart you’ve completed!

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.