Every January, you promise yourself this will be the year. You may think: This time, I’ll finally lose the weight, cut back on drinking, stop feeling so anxious, or fix that relationship I’ve been neglecting.

You may make it through January, but the failure rate for many New Year’s resolutions hovers around 80%. After a month or two into the new year, you might have given up on your goal and may be carrying the additional weight of disappointment and self-blame.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. More importantly, you may not be failing because you lack willpower or discipline. When you find yourself making the same resolutions year after year without lasting change, it may be time to consider a different possibility: how mental health is involved.

Why Do I Keep Failing at My New Year’s Resolutions?

If only 9% of Americans ultimately keep their resolutions, this means the vast majority of people struggle just like you do. But while fitness gurus and self-help books will tell you to set smarter goals, track your habits, or find an accountability partner, these strategies often miss a crucial truth: behavioral change is nearly impossible when underlying mental health conditions are working against you.

The Willpower Myth: Why “Just Try Harder” Doesn’t Work

For decades, we’ve been told that willpower is the ability to resist short-term temptations in order to meet long-term goals. But actually, the very belief that you just need more self-control may be setting you up for failure.

Success is often influenced by a combination of personality traits, environmental factors, and social contexts rather than willpower alone. In reality, when you’re battling anxiety, depression, undiagnosed ADHD, or trauma, your brain is working with fundamentally different resources.

How Mental Health Conditions Sabotage Your Goals

The resolutions you make year after year to lose weight, drink less, manage anxiety, and improve relationships aren’t random. They’re often symptoms of deeper struggles that haven’t been identified or addressed. Consider what other factors might be at play, and give yourself some newfound grace.

When Depression Derails Your Best Intentions

This year, you may plan to exercise more, eat better, or reconnect with friends. But anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues are common conditions that nearly 21 million adults in the U.S. deal with each year (as of 2021 data).

While it manifests differently from person to person, depression doesn’t just make you feel sad: it fundamentally alters your motivation, energy levels, and ability to experience pleasure. When you’re depressed, the activities that would help you feel better feel impossibly difficult.

ADHD: The Hidden Hurdle

Many adults struggle for years without realizing they have Attention Deficit/ Hyperactivity (ADHD). They may just think they’re lazy, undisciplined, or fundamentally flawed. Individuals with ADHD may struggle with impulsivity, emotional regulation, and consistency, leading to self-sabotaging behavior like missed deadlines, emotional outbursts, or difficulty following routines.

Living with ADHD can make it difficult to reach your goals and find a routine that works. Your resolution to wake up earlier, stick to a budget, or stop procrastinating faces up against mental health factors that no amount of determination or “willpower” can overcome.

Anxiety and the Self-Sabotage Cycle

If you want to be less anxious this year, you might make resolutions to meditate, practice self-care, or “worry less.” But anxiety has a way of hijacking your best efforts, whether it’s related to politics, finances, relationships, the holidays, or more. These deep-rooted beliefs and thinking patterns can fuel all kinds of fears that can result in procrastination or avoidance. If left unchecked, this can lead to general anxiety, social anxiety, and depression.

Ironically, the very act of setting ambitious goals can trigger anxiety about failure, which confirms your worst fears about yourself. It’s a cycle that feels impossible to break on your own. Luckily, anxiety (and depression and ADHD) is a very treatable and common condition that doesn’t have to get in your way.

Depression, ADHD, and anxiety are not the only mental health issues that can make reaching your annual goals a challenge. Substance abuse challenges, trauma, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and others might be at play. The first step, though, is doing some self-evaluation and talking to a licensed mental health professional.

What Does Self-Sabotage Really Look Like?

Getting in your own way isn’t always obvious, and it doesn’t always look like giving up. Knowing the below signs of self-sabotage can equip you with the tools to interrupt your harmful patterns and start reaching your goals:

Low self-esteem and unfounded beliefs about being deficient, not good enough, incapable, or unintelligent contribute to self-defeating behavior. These core beliefs fuel fears about performance and can cause procrastination or avoidance.

If you find yourself getting in your own way, remember: These patterns aren’t character flaws. They’re often learned responses to unmet emotional needs. Plus, they’re incredibly common among people with undiagnosed mental health conditions.

How Do I Know If I Need Professional Help?

If you’re reading this and wondering whether your resolution struggles signal something deeper, try asking yourself these questions:

Prioritizing your mental health needs doesn’t have to follow a significant or traumatic event in your life. It can be the natural next step if you notice the little things adding up and your resolutions getting harder and harder to achieve.

What Can Therapy Actually Do for My Resolutions?

Despite what some may think, therapy isn’t about having someone tell you to try harder or hold you accountable. It’s about uncovering and addressing the root causes that have been affecting your efforts all along. Finding emotional healing starts with a diagnosis, if applicable, exploring root causes, and building the skills to manage your needs.

Accurate Diagnosis Changes Everything

A thorough evaluation for a specific condition, or a few, might seem scary and overwhelming. But getting an accurate diagnosis gives you clarity. Suddenly, your struggles have a name and a framework. Whether you have ADHD, anxiety, PTSD, depression, or another condition, early identification improves the effectiveness of treatment and improves your overall quality of life. You’re not broken or lazy: you’re dealing with a legitimate challenge that has real solutions.

Therapy Addresses the “Why,” Not Just the “What”

Resolutions and therapy may share the same end goal of bettering yourself, but they approach it in very different ways. Resolution-setting focuses on behavior: eat less, exercise more, save money. Therapy digs into why those behaviors have been so difficult to sustain.

A skilled therapist can help you:

You Learn Skills That Last Beyond January

Therapy is not meant to give you a one-time fix for a sticky situation or a script for handling one tough conversation. Therapy approaches are long-term treatments that can be very helpful in creating lasting change. Some common frameworks include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), to name a few.

Making Therapy Your Resolution This Year

This year, instead of resolving to change your behavior through just more willpower and determination, consider making a different commitment: to understand yourself better and get the support you deserve.

When finding a therapist, look for someone who:

Seeking therapy is about acknowledging that you’ve been fighting an uphill battle with limited tools and wanting to make a change, not admitting defeat. With proper treatment, you can work towards genuine self-motivation.

Take the First Step Towards a Healthier You

Change takes time, and it doesn’t have to start with a sweeping life overhaul. It can start with one phone call, one appointment, one honest conversation about what you’ve been struggling with. Setting New Year’s resolutions already proves you have the desire to change, so now it’s time to get the support that makes change possible.

Find a therapist near you who can help you understand what’s been holding you back and build a path forward that actually works for your life and your unique circumstances.

Many people believe that unstable relationships stem from “bad choices” in partners or needing to “calm down” and “be more mature.” However, the reality is much more complex. If you’re struggling with abandonment wounds, the challenges are not about a lack of willpower or a character flaw. Instead, they are about how your brain and nervous system are influenced by your past experiences. These wounds often lead to emotional dysregulation and can deeply impact your relationships. The good news is that therapies like DBT and Schema Therapy can help heal abandonment wounds and create healthier, more stable bonds.

Emotional Dysregulation & Relationship Dynamics

If you’ve had difficult past experiences, your nervous system may react more quickly and intensely to perceived threats in close relationships. When you feel “triggered,” it becomes harder to communicate clearly, calmly, and effectively. This is known as emotional dysregulation. Learn more about emotional regulation.

See also: How Emotional Stonewalling Can Be Damaging

How Schemas Reinforce Abandonment Wounds

Schemas are deep-rooted core beliefs shaped by childhood experiences. For example, if you ever felt abandoned or couldn’t consistently rely on a caregiver, you may have developed the belief that abandonment is inevitable. In adult life, this can make rejection feel like it’s just around the corner, even when it’s not.

When schemas are triggered, you might react strongly out of fear or anger and later regret your actions (Kover et al., 2024).

This often leads to a push-pull dynamic: craving closeness one moment, then withdrawing or lashing out the next.

Further reading on GoodTherapy:

• Relational Hurt or Attachment Injury? How to Tell the Difference
• Attachment as Defense: How Trauma Shapes the Self
• Own the Inner Child: Breaking Free of Anxious Attachment
• Read more on healing abandonment wounds.

How DBT Helps Heal Abandonment Wounds

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) was originally created for people who feel emotions more intensely than others. DBT doesn’t ask you to stop feeling deeply, it gives you tools to handle big emotions without letting them damage your relationships.

For instance, if your partner doesn’t text back for a few hours, fear of abandonment might trigger panic: “They’re leaving me. They don’t care about me.” Without skills, that panic could lead to emotional suffering, angry texts, or shutting down. DBT teaches you to:

• Notice the rising emotion before it takes over.
• Use grounding and distress tolerance skills to calm your nervous system.
• Respond mindfully instead of impulsively.

Over time, DBT skills break the cycle of highs and lows, helping relationships feel steadier (Linehan, 2015).

Explore more about DBT

Related GoodTherapy articles:

• Empathic Curiosity: How DBT Builds Better Relationships
• How DBT Can Improve Your Communication Outcomes
• Interpersonal Effectiveness in Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

How Schema Therapy Transforms Abandonment Beliefs

Schema Therapy goes deeper by addressing why abandonment fears and rejection sensitivities exist. Schemas act as emotional blueprints formed in childhood, often running unconsciously in relationships.

Take the Abandonment Schema: If early experiences taught you love wasn’t reliable, you may live with a constant fear of being left. Even small signals, like a partner being quiet, can feel like “proof” of rejection.

Schema Therapy helps by:

• Identifying old patterns that keep getting triggered.
• Re-parenting the wounded inner self.
• Practicing healthier ways of relating, such as expressing needs clearly.

Instead of thinking, “If I tell them I’m scared, they’ll leave,” you might learn to say, “When you don’t text back, I feel anxious and worry I might lose you. Can you reassure me?” This invites intimacy instead of conflict.

Schema Therapy is especially effective for abandonment fears and personality-related struggles (Young, Klosko, & Weishaar, 2003).

Learn more about Schema Therapy.

The Bottom Line: Healing Abandonment Wounds is Possible

If your relationships feel like a rollercoaster, it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your nervous system and old patterns are working overtime to protect you, sometimes in ways that backfire. With DBT, you can regulate intense emotions in the moment. With Schema Therapy, you can transform the deeper wounds fueling abandonment fears.

Stable, fulfilling relationships are possible. The right therapy provides tools, practice, and support to make healing abandonment wounds a reality.

References

• Kover, L., Pilkington, P. D., & D’Rozario, D. (2024). The association between early maladaptive schemas and relationship satisfaction: A dyadic analysis. Frontiers in Psychology, 15, 1460723. DOI: 3389/fpsyg.2024.1460723
• Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT® Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. View Book
• Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide. Guilford Press. View Book

Emotions in college can be overwhelming and hard to navigate. College students face unprecedented pressures in today’s academic environment. Research from Frontiers in Psychology shows that academic stress may be a dominant stressor affecting college students’ mental well-being, while 37.1% of college students in the U.S. have been diagnosed with or treated for stress, with 31.1% experiencing anxiety. Whether you’re dealing with academic demands, social challenges, uncertainty about the future, or separation from family, it’s no wonder that big emotions like anxiety, anger, sadness, or stress can hit hard and fast.

Key takeaway: Learning effective college emotional regulation isn’t just helpful, it’s essential for academic success and long-term mental health. The good news? These skills can be learned and practiced.

Understanding College Emotional Regulation

College emotional regulation refers to your ability to recognize, understand, and effectively manage intense emotions during your academic journey. It’s important to keep in mind that feeling big emotions isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign that you’re human! Unfortunately, if you don’t have healthy and constructive ways of managing those emotions, they can easily become overwhelming.

Recent studies point to an increase in psychological distress among graduate students, making it more crucial than ever to develop these essential life skills. According to research published in Trends in Psychology, mindfulness-based interventions can significantly improve emotion regulation and reduce perceived stress in students. Here are six evidence-based strategies for coping with overwhelming feelings, without bottling them up or letting them completely take over.

Step 1: Label the Emotions You Feel in College

When emotions feel huge, the first step in college emotional regulation is simply to name them. Ask yourself: Am I angry? Anxious? Overwhelmed? Lonely? Research shows that labeling emotions is the first step to help manage emotional discomfort, and it’s important to become familiar with different types of emotions.

A lot of times, just identifying what you’re feeling can start to bring clarity. You might also check in with your body, are you experiencing a tight chest, clenched fists, or racing thoughts? These physical sensations can offer clues.

Try saying: “I notice I’m feeling really anxious right now.” This separates you from the emotion and gives you space to respond. The more you practice this habit of naming your emotion, the more naturally it comes, and over time you start to understand yourself better and gain insight into your feelings.

Take Action: Ready to develop better self-awareness? Explore our comprehensive guide to identifying emotions for college students.

Step 2: Calm Your Body and Mind with Grounding Techniques

Regulating your nervous system when you start to notice a strong emotion can help prevent overreacting or mental spiraling. This is how you help your body and mind feel safe again.

To feel more grounded and calm, you can try:

• Breathing Exercises: Try breathing in for 4, holding for 7, and exhaling for 8
• Cold temperatures: Run cold water over your hands, put a cold washcloth on your forehead, or hold an ice cube for as long as you can
• Move your body: Stretch, walk, dance, anything to release the tension. Visualize the emotion working its way out of your body

You don’t have to fix the emotion, just slow it down and focus on your physical experience. Research indicates that students can learn various coping mechanisms through the adoption of healthy academic habits including emotional regulation.

Step 3: Express Emotions in College Instead of Bottling Them Up

Ignoring big emotions can sometimes make them even bigger. Instead of bottling them up, try releasing the feeling in healthy ways such as:

• Journaling what you’re feeling without censoring yourself
• Talking to someone you trust, a friend, counselor, or mentor
• Creating art that expresses your feelings
• Letting yourself cry if you need to

Emotions are energy. They need expression, not suppression. Understanding healthy emotional expression can be transformative for college students struggling with overwhelming feelings.

Take Action: Open a notes app and type what you’re feeling; no filter, just flow.

Step 4: Be Curious, Not Judgmental About Your Emotions

Sometimes when you feel a big emotion, you might be tempted to judge yourself by thinking “I’m too emotional!” Or judge the emotion by thinking “I hate feeling this way!” It’s important to acknowledge that all emotions, even uncomfortable ones, are messengers. Judging them or ourselves can leave us feeling much worse and make the emotion last longer.

Instead of judging, try getting curious and asking yourself:

• What triggered this feeling?
• What is this emotion trying to tell me?
• What do I need right now?

For example:

• Anger might mean your boundaries were crossed or that you feel something is unfair
• Anxiety might point to uncertainty or overestimating the possibility that something will go wrong
• Sadness could signal a loss or unmet need

Understanding your emotions helps you respond wisely instead of reacting impulsively. Research shows that emotional regulation is the foundation of who we are, how we think, and how we relate to the world around us.

Step 5: Build a Toolbox for Managing Emotions in College

Everyone should have a personal set of tools for emotional first aid. These are go-to strategies you can turn to when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

Some examples include:

• Listen to a calming playlist
• Doodle or color for 10 minutes
• Cuddle with a pet or a weighted blanket
• Go for a 15-minute mindfulness walk in nature and pay more attention to your surroundings than your thoughts (focus on the 5 senses)
• Repeat an affirmation: “This will pass. I’ve survived before; I can do it again.”

Write yours down and keep them visible, on your phone, wall, or notebook. Consider sharing this list with a friend or trusted person in your life who can help remind you of what works best for you.

Learn more about developing effective coping mechanisms that research shows can improve mental and emotional well-being.

Take Action: Write down 3 tools that help you when you’re stressed, save them in your phone or planner.

Step 6: Know When to Ask for Help

Sometimes emotions feel too heavy to deal with alone, and that’s okay. Asking for support isn’t a failure; it’s a sign of strength and resilience. Research estimates that 10% of university students experience significant social anxiety, and many more struggle with various emotional challenges.

You may have compassionate friends or family members, but it can also be helpful to get support from a mental health professional who is trained to know exactly how to help.

If you feel stuck or overwhelmed, you may want to talk to:

• A therapist
• The college counseling center
• A support group
• A helpline or online mental health service

There are lots of resources out there, you don’t have to go through this alone.

Ready to Take the Next Step? Find qualified mental health professionals who specialize in college student issues through our verified therapist network.

FAQ: College Emotional Regulation

What is emotional regulation and why is it important for coping with emotions in college?

College emotional regulation refers to the ability to recognize, understand, and manage intense emotions effectively during your academic journey. It’s crucial because unmanaged emotions can impact academic performance, relationships, and mental health. Research shows that students with better emotional regulation skills experience less anxiety and depression.

How do I know if my emotions are normal or if I need professional help?

It’s normal to experience a wide range of emotions in college. However, seek professional help if emotions consistently interfere with daily activities, academic performance, relationships, or if you’re having thoughts of self-harm. Persistent feelings of hopelessness, inability to function, or overwhelming anxiety warrant professional support.

What are the most effective grounding techniques for dealing with emotions in college?

Evidence-based grounding techniques include: 4-7-8 breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, cold water therapy, mindful walking, and the 5-4-3-2-1 sensory technique (5 things you see, 4 you hear, 3 you touch, 2 you smell, 1 you taste). These help regulate your nervous system quickly.

How long does it take to develop better emotional regulation skills?

Developing emotional regulation skills is an ongoing process. Many students notice improvements in 2-4 weeks with consistent practice, but mastery can take several months. The key is regular practice and patience with yourself as you learn these new skills.

Can college counseling centers really help with emotional regulation?

Yes, college counseling centers are specifically equipped to help students with emotional regulation. They offer individual therapy, group sessions, workshops, and crisis support. Many centers also provide specialized programs for common college issues like anxiety, depression, and stress management.

What should I do if my emotions are affecting my academic performance?

First, implement the six steps outlined above. If problems persist, contact your college counseling center, speak with academic advisors about accommodations, consider therapy, and don’t hesitate to reach out to professors for support. Many colleges have resources specifically designed to help students balance emotional well-being with academic success.

Final Thoughts on Mastering College Emotional Regulation

Big emotions are normal, they come and go, just like waves. The goal isn’t to never feel them; it’s to learn how to ride the wave without being pulled under or overwhelmed by it. Research consistently shows that students who develop effective stress management and emotional regulation skills have better academic outcomes and mental health.

Next time your feelings feel “too much,” come back to this process: Label it. Calm yourself. Express it. Get curious. Cope. Get support.

Remember: developing college emotional regulation is a skill that will serve you far beyond your academic years. These techniques become the foundation for lifelong emotional wellness and resilience.

Ready to start your journey toward better emotional health? Our network of qualified therapists specializes in helping college students develop these essential skills. Find a therapist near you today.

References

Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Guilford Press.

External Research Sources:

• Frontiers in Psychology. (2022). Academic Stress and Mental Well-Being in College Students: Correlations, Affected Groups, and COVID-19
• Research.com. (2025). 50 Current Student Stress Statistics: 2025 Data, Analysis & Predictions
• Trends in Psychology. (2021). Emotion Regulation, Stress, and Well-Being in Academic Education: Analyzing the Effect of Mindfulness-Based Intervention

We all carry stories, internal messages about who we are, what we deserve, and what’s possible for us. Many of these beliefs were formed long before we had the language to challenge them. They were shaped by early experiences, family patterns, cultural expectations, and sometimes, trauma.

These stories become core beliefs, deep, automatic assumptions that influence how we see ourselves, others, and the world. Some core beliefs empower us. Others limit us. But regardless of their origin, they significantly affect our emotional health, relationships, and ability to respond to life’s challenges.

This article explores how core beliefs develop, how they impact well-being, and how five resilience-building principles can help individuals identify, challenge, and rewrite these deeply rooted narratives.

What Are Core Beliefs?

Core beliefs are foundational thoughts that guide how we interpret situations and respond to stress. They can be conscious or unconscious, helpful or harmful. Research in cognitive behavioral therapy shows that these deeply held assumptions significantly influence our emotional responses and behavioral patterns.

Common limiting core beliefs may include:

• “I’m not good enough.”
• “If I fail, I am a failure.”
• “People always leave.”
• “It’s not safe to show emotion.”
• “I have to put everyone else’s needs before mine.”

Often, these beliefs originate from environments where emotional needs were unmet, where survival, shame, or silence took priority over affirmation, safety, and expression. While these beliefs may have once been protective, they often become barriers in adulthood.

How Core Beliefs Affect Mental Health

Negative or rigid core beliefs can silently sabotage well-being by shaping behaviors, decisions, and interpretations of events. They show up in ways like:

• Anxiety: “I have to stay in control or something bad will happen.”
• Depression: “I’m unlovable. Nothing will ever get better.”
• Relationship struggles: “If I let people get close, I’ll get hurt.”
• Burnout: “My worth is based on how much I do for others.”
• Avoidance: “It’s better to be alone than risk being rejected.”

These beliefs distort reality and often go unchallenged. But they can be rewritten, through intentional self-reflection, connection, and growth. Core beliefs research demonstrates that identifying and modifying these deep-seated assumptions is crucial for therapeutic success.

Using the 5 Resilience Principles to Shift Core Beliefs

1. Self-Awareness & Emotional Regulation

“Name it to tame it.”

The first step is recognizing when a core belief is at play. Heightened emotions, shame, fear, rage, hopelessness, often signal an internal story is activated.

Ask:

• “What am I telling myself right now?”
• “Is this belief true, or just familiar?”
• “Where did I learn this, and is it still serving me?”

Practices like deep breathing, journaling, or mindful pauses help bring space between emotion and reaction. When we understand the “why” behind our emotional patterns, we create space for more empowered responses.

Self-regulation is fundamental to building emotional resilience and breaking free from automatic patterns that no longer serve us.

 Take Action: Start a daily emotion check-in. Set a phone reminder for three times daily and ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now?” and “What story am I telling myself about this situation?” This simple practice builds the self-awareness needed to recognize core beliefs in action.

2. Adaptive Thinking & Problem-Solving

“Challenge the thought. Change the outcome.”

Once aware of a limiting belief, explore alternatives:

• “Is there evidence this belief isn’t entirely true?”
• “Have I ever experienced something that contradicts it?”
• “What would a more balanced or compassionate belief sound like?”

For example, “I always mess up” might shift to “I’ve made mistakes, but I’m learning and growing.”

This process, often called cognitive restructuring, replaces harsh inner narratives with more realistic, supportive ones. Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) specifically focuses on identifying and reshaping these core beliefs that drive emotional distress.

📝 Try This Exercise: Choose one limiting belief you’ve identified about yourself. Write it at the top of a page, then create three columns: “Evidence For,” “Evidence Against,” and “Balanced Alternative.” Spend 10 minutes filling out each column. Often, you’ll discover the evidence against far outweighs the evidence for your limiting belief.

3. Connection & Support Systems

“You don’t have to do this alone.”

Many limiting beliefs are born in isolation or invalidation. Healing often happens in relationships that feel emotionally safe.

• Sharing vulnerably with a trusted friend
• Participating in support groups or community spaces
• Working with a therapist or mentor
• Being around people who reflect back your value and worth

Relational connection helps counter the belief that we are unworthy, alone, or “too much.” It reinforces that healing doesn’t happen in a vacuum, it happens when we are seen, heard, and accepted.

Building resilience through connection is one of the most powerful ways to challenge beliefs rooted in early experiences of disconnection or trauma.

Connection Challenge: This week, reach out to one person who makes you feel valued and accepted. Share something vulnerable, perhaps a struggle you’re facing or a belief you’re questioning. Notice how being truly seen and supported challenges any beliefs about being “too much” or unworthy of care.

4. Health Routines & Self-Care

“Your habits reflect your beliefs.”

Daily habits often mirror our deepest assumptions. If rest feels indulgent, perhaps there’s a belief that “my worth depends on productivity.” If boundaries feel selfish, perhaps the message is “my needs don’t matter.”

Rewriting core beliefs isn’t just mental, it’s behavioral. Every time we:

• Rest when tired
• Say no to something overwhelming
• Eat nourishing food
• Move our bodies kindly
• Seek joy without guilt

…we send a new message to our nervous system and inner world: “I matter. I am enough. I am allowed to take care of myself.”

Over time, these small acts rewire old scripts and build a foundation of sustainable well-being. Emotional intelligence plays a crucial role in recognizing and responding to our authentic needs.

Weekly Self-Care Audit: Each Sunday, review the past week and identify three moments when you honored your needs (or could have). Ask: “What belief drove my choice to care for myself or neglect myself?” Then plan one specific self-care action for the coming week that challenges any limiting beliefs about your worthiness.

5. Purpose, Meaning & Future Vision

“You are not your past. You are what you choose to believe next.”

Core beliefs are not destiny, they’re stories. And stories can be edited.

Begin asking:

• “What kind of person do I want to become?”
• “What beliefs would support that version of me?”
• “What actions can I take today to live into that new belief?”

If the goal is to believe “I am capable,” consider trying something new, even if small. If the desired belief is “I’m worthy of love,” start with allowing someone to care for you or asking for what you need.

Each step moves you closer to a new narrative, one rooted in truth rather than fear or survival. Values clarification can be particularly helpful in identifying what truly matters to you beyond old belief systems.

Future Self Visualization: Spend 15 minutes writing about the person you want to become in one year. What would they believe about themselves? How would they treat themselves and others? What actions would they take daily? Then identify one small action you can take today that aligns with this future version of yourself.

The Science Behind Core Belief Change

Recent advances in cognitive behavioral therapy research have shown that core beliefs can be effectively modified through structured therapeutic interventions. Studies demonstrate that when individuals learn to identify and challenge their automatic thoughts and underlying beliefs, they experience significant improvements in mood, anxiety, and overall psychological well-being.

The key is understanding that these beliefs, while deeply rooted, are not fixed. They developed through experience and can be changed through new experiences, insights, and intentional practice.

Your Beliefs Can Change, And So Can You

No one chooses the messages they’re given as a child. But every person has the power to choose which beliefs they carry into the future.

Core beliefs are powerful, but not permanent. With awareness, support, and consistent action, you can shift the internal script from one of limitation to one of possibility.

Start by noticing. Then by challenging. Then by choosing something new.

And remember: rewriting the story doesn’t mean the old story didn’t matter, it means you’ve decided you matter more.

Ready to Transform Your Core Beliefs? If you’re feeling overwhelmed by limiting beliefs or want professional guidance in rewriting your inner narrative, consider working with a qualified therapist. Find a therapist near you who specializes in cognitive approaches and core belief work. You don’t have to navigate this journey alone.

Key Takeaways

• Core beliefs are changeable: Despite their deep roots, these fundamental assumptions can be identified and modified with the right approach
• Emotional regulation is foundational: Learning to recognize when beliefs are activated creates space for conscious choice
• Connection accelerates healing: Supportive relationships provide the safety needed to challenge long-held assumptions
• Small actions create big changes: Daily habits that align with new beliefs gradually rewire old patterns
• Professional support helps: Therapists trained in cognitive approaches can guide the process of core belief transformation

If you’re struggling with limiting core beliefs that impact your daily life, consider reaching out to a qualified mental health professional. Finding good therapy that focuses on your individual needs can provide the support and tools necessary for lasting change.

📞 Take the Next Step: Ready to work with a professional? Visit GoodTherapy.org’s therapist directory to find qualified mental health professionals in your area who specialize in cognitive behavioral therapy, core belief work, and resilience building. Many offer initial consultations to help you find the right fit.

Emotional regulation is the foundation of who we are, how we think, and how we relate to the world around us. For some people, emotions can feel so strong that they overpower their ability to effectively deal with everyday life. For others, knowledge of what they are feeling can be elusive.

The road to healthy emotional regulation requires us first to be able to identify what we are feeling at any moment in time. Often, the help of a therapist will support you on your journey to healthy emotional regulation.

How We Perceive Our Emotions: A Background to Emotional Regulation

First, it may be worth examining how many, if not most, people think about emotional content. The messages received during our formative years give rise to many current beliefs. The essayist and novelist, George Santayana, said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” In light of this apparent truth, what can be said about messages absorbed in earlier years that fly in the face of the facts?

It often appears that perceptions of truth define reality in the sense that our learned beliefs about self and others become so ingrained that they often go unchallenged and take on a life of their own. Such may be the case with our emotions—they may be categorized as good or bad, negative or positive. By categorizing emotions in this way, we may consciously or subconsciously attach more value to some emotions while negating, minimizing, or avoiding others.

This selective approach to categorizing emotions has far-reaching effects on how we deal with a wide range of emotional content, including our ability or willingness to accept what feels uncomfortable. By seeking out so-called “good emotions,” we may neglect uncomfortable or painful emotions including worry, fear, frustration, anger, rage, bitterness, resentment, sadness, hopelessness, and helplessness, to name a few.  It can be argued that establishing a dichotomy or differentiation of good vs. bad emotions inhibits emotional and mental health.

Much is known about the deleterious effects of stuffing one’s emotions, and the same can be said about the harmful effects of burying uncomfortable or painful emotions. In order to establish good emotional health, all emotions must be given a voice. Keeping in mind this framework of viewing the entire range of emotions with equal value or validity, we can now explore three steps to emotional regulation.

In order to establish good emotional health, all emotions must be given a voice.

Step 1:  What Am I Feeling in This Moment?

The task of identifying what you are feeling is not always simple. It requires the ability to be present in, versus running from, the moment. In today’s society, many people are “human doings” rather than “human beings.” The former refers to humans constantly in motion, doing this and doing that, while the latter involves sitting in the present and allowing oneself to feel what one feels, regardless of whether it’s comfortable or uncomfortable.

There are many different ways of becoming mindful of one’s emotions. One way is by referring to a feelings chart, which can be downloaded and printed online.  Another way is through a feelings journal, which is a written record of emotions experienced during the course of a day along with, perhaps, information on possible trigger events or situations.

Once you’ve identified your emotions at a particular moment, you can give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling. Even for people who can identify how they feel at any given moment, this latter part can be perplexing.  After all, if I allow myself to feel what I am feeling, isn’t there the risk of getting stuck in that emotion? If I identify that I’m feeling “depressed,” isn’t it dangerous to allow myself to sit in that feeling? And if I get out of my head by doing something counter to my current thinking, isn’t that better than allowing myself to be sucked into that emotion?

While getting out of your head through contrary action seems practical on the surface, many people take an immediate leap towards action without fully acknowledging what they are feeling. Identifying what you are feeling isn’t the same as accepting or giving yourself permission to feel uncomfortable or painful feelings. Much of human behavior is directed towards avoiding pain and discomfort, and this can become our frame of reference when approaching challenges in our lives.

What would happen if we were fully present and open to the idea of not only identifying each and every felt emotion, but treating each emotional experience as “information” rather than something to be avoided? In taking this alternative approach, we can better understand our relationship with our emotions as they relate to ingrained messages from our past that have gone largely unchallenged in the present.

What would happen if we were fully present and open to the idea of not only identifying each and every felt emotion, but treating each emotional experience as “information” rather than something to be avoided?

Step 2:  Why Do I Feel Like This?

Now that you’ve identified what you’re feeling at any particular moment in time and have given yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling rather than avoiding or running away from it because it’s painful or unpleasant, the second step asks, “Why do I think that I’m feeling the way I feel?” In other words, are there any situations or triggers you can think of that may cause your particular feelings to occur?

Triggers can include, but are not limited to, phone calls, letters, conversations or arguments, thoughts, images, things you may have observed, or something you were exposed to. These triggers may be guided by messages absorbed from your past. This information can help you better understand your relationship with your emotions because they offer insight into why particularly painful or uncomfortable emotions carry so much weight in your life.

Now that you have some tangible explanation as to why certain emotions may be so overpowering, you can practice the third step to emotional health.

Step 3:  Do Something Opposite To That Emotion

This final step to healthy emotional regulation builds upon the first two steps. It assumes you have diligently identified what you are feeling at any given moment and given yourself permission to sit for a while in that emotion rather than running away from it. It also assumes you have given some serious thought to answering the question, “Why do I think that I’m feeling the way I feel?

In step three, the dialogue goes like this: Once I’ve identified what I’m feeling at any given moment and given myself permission to feel that feeling, no matter how painful or uncomfortable it may feel, I can now engage in a behavior, or action, opposite to that emotion. As a practical example, say you identify with feeling depressed at any given moment. Using the three-step process to healthy emotional regulation, you will give yourself permission to sit in that emotion for a while. You can now examine your relationship with depression by understanding its connection to messages from your past–many of which you may blindly accept without challenge–as well as current triggers that keep you stuck in your depression.

The last step to this process is to engage in a behavior that will evoke a different, more supportive emotion. For example, when dealing with the feeling of depression, you may take a joy ride, go for a walk or swim, see a movie, connect with an old friend, or engage in some other activity that will evoke pleasant and potentially empowering emotions.

Healthy emotional regulation and positive change become possible by lifting the veils of secrecy, shame, and fear that are attached to your emotions. With the assistance of a licensed and compassionate therapist or counselor, you can take an introspective look into your history of (and relationship with) uncomfortable or painful emotions. This may allow you to engage in new behaviors that move you from feeling like a slave to emotions to a state of increased peace, joy, and purpose.

Giving children coping skills for their emotions is one of the most important tasks of parenting. Children lacking these tools may blame others for how they feel or demonstrate how they’re feeling in inappropriate ways. If a child has no words to verbalize their intense emotions, they’re at risk for being emotionally stunted for the rest of their lives. Emotionally arrested adults lack the ability to self-soothe when they’re upset, or to delay lashing out on an impulse.

The following are 12 tips to give your child tools for handling their uncomfortable feelings.

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1. Use feeling words when speaking to your child. “Sad” and “disappointed” are feeling words. “What were you thinking?” and “You never listen!” are not.
2. Be more curious and less educating. Ask your child to elaborate about their uncomfortable feelings. An example of this is to say, “You seem sad, tell me about it,” not “That’s not a good reason to feel that way.” Don’t shame or scold your child about their feelings, even if your goal is to make them feel better.
3. Don’t keep score. “Well, now you know how that feels,” “Well, if you hadn’t …” and “That happened to me and I didn’t feel that way!” are statements that teach kids their feelings are wrong. This may lead to them feeling bad about themselves and becoming defensive.
4. Talk about negative emotions being transitory, like the weather, the tides, seasons, or the phases of the moon. Feelings will change; they have to. It’s okay to feel bad. Respect the uncomfortable feeling and remember it will change.
5. Get a poster of emojis with the feelings written below each face. Refer to it often.
6. Every evening, take turns talking about the pleasant and unpleasant feelings you each experienced that day. Focus on the emotions such as “proud,” “frustrated,” etc., and put less focus on the story or circumstance preceding each feeling.
7. Talk about how you handle your own uncomfortable feelings. Perhaps you go to the gym, journal, run, talk to a friend, read, garden, or meditate.
8. Help your child write a list of things they can do when they feel uncomfortable emotions. The list may include listening to music, drawing outside with chalk, singing, doing a puzzle, playing a game, writing a letter/email, writing a gratitude list, taking pictures, dancing, talking about it, shooting baskets, hitting a punching bag, skating, coloring, baking something, or making a card for someone. Keep the list where they can use it when they’re upset.
   If you handled a situation poorly, apologize and then model forgiving yourself. How you handle your emotions will be your child’s most influential guide.
9. Create an art corner with supplies so your child can draw, paint, color, collage, or sculpt clay to illustrate how they’re feeling. “Show me how you feel” exercises can encourage your child to use a creative outlet.
10. Help your child start an “altered book.” Buy a secondhand hard-bound book, then glue 10 to 20 pages together at a time so the book has thick pages. Show your child how to cut out magazine pictures and collage over the book cover. Then your child can open their personalized altered book and create a collage, painting, or drawing of a feeling on each page. They can add to this work of art whenever they’re feeling a strong emotion. Be sure to stay curious and interested if your child is young, while giving older children and teens privacy to express themselves.
11. Do outdoor physical activities with your child. Such activities may include skateboarding, surfing, soccer, catch, tennis, shooting baskets, swimming, yoga at the park, kayaking, hiking, bicycling, rock climbing, etc. Have your child rate an uncomfortable feeling on a scale of 1 to 10 before the activity, then again after they’ve exercised. Even if they only go from a 9 to an 8, praise them for lowering the negative emotion on their own.
12. Volunteer together. Model for your child the inner peace that comes from giving back and helping others who are less fortunate. Activities may include helping at a soup kitchen, taking supplies to a homeless shelter, helping out at an animal shelter, making gift bags to give those asking for help at the freeway off-ramp, going on a house-building mission, adopting an elderly person in an assisted-living home, etc. Make giving to others a regular activity. Participating in generosity and feeling appreciated is one of the best antidotes when feeling bad.

Be kind to yourself if you don’t make the most of every opportunity to teach your child about emotions. You will have many chances before they grow up and leave the home. If you handled a situation poorly, apologize and then model forgiving yourself. How you handle your emotions will be your child’s most influential guide.

For more ideas for helping your child manage their emotions, contact a licensed therapist in your area who works with children and parents.