One of the least talked-about aspects of dreaming is emotions. These strange creatures have stirred up many a restless night in the form of fear, anger, or despair. They take many shapes in our dreams: a large, poisonous snake ready to strike; a homeless woman yelling profanities; a deep chasm ready to swallow the unsuspecting. In these moments, we can flee, fight, or surrender. Each action (or inaction) has its consequence and connection with how we move through waking life.

Emotions as Guides

Emotions are not just a part us but the center of creation and what makes us human. Sitting with emotions, without judgment, can have a profound, transformative effect on the mind, body, and spirit. Emotions have the power to heal.

Recognizing our emotions is not always easy, and to name them in the body can be daunting. Often, there is a disconnection out of shame or denial. Expressing emotions, especially anger, is often too scary in the heated moments of waking life, let alone in dreams and nightmares. (“Where did THAT come from?”)

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In Spirituality and the Gentle Life, Adrian van Kaam speaks of this disconnection with our emotions so eloquently. He grew up in a community that did not tolerate anger in any way, so he feared expressing his emotions, even with people who supported him. If we can express both gentleness and anger with the people we trust, we can develop healthier ways of expressing these emotions. If we don’t have that opportunity, we can either talk with a friend or write it out. Van Kaam notes, “Once anger and aggression are out in the open, I can cope with them.” In other words, by recognizing anger and its origins, we are in a better place to work with them and develop healthier relationships.

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The Power of Identifying Emotions

I have found working with dreams can be a gentle yet powerful gateway for healing, especially when it comes to identifying and working with emotions. The label of being “too emotional” carries a stigma in this culture as being weak or “out of control,” so we often suppress feelings by intellectualizing them. Sitting with, naming, and later embodying the emotion before making judgments is a powerful map to tracking emotional patterns in waking life.

A good place to begin when working with emotions in dreams is to name them. Dream specialist and author Justina Lasley explains in her book Wake Up to Your Dreams, “Emotions are so key to dreamwork. If you want to make the greatest change in your life, go to the place of your greatest fear. Dreams help you do that.” There is often a struggle with this exercise for that reason. It’s not easy to go to those dark places. I’ll hear things like “confusion” and “frustration” as responses in a session. But with gentle coaxing and exploration, people in therapy usually get to the core of their emotions. For example, what was labeled “confusion” may actually be fear and “frustration” may really be anger.

By naming our emotions, we can feel and therefore “own” them in the body. An image can also be created and then dialogued with, which Carl Jung calls active imagination. For example, a person might feel rage in a dream that stems from the head. If the emotion arises spontaneously—say, as an image of a tiger ferociously clawing the dreamer’s skull—it can later be dialogued with. Engaging with the emotion and allowing it to speak often brings potent information for the dreamer to work with.

Dialoguing with Emotions in Dreams: A Case Study

Letting emotions arise naturally can also have a strong effect on the therapeutic relationship. John Welwood’s words in Awakening the Heart resonated with me. He writes, “Venting emotions may be necessary along the way … but what often seems to release an emotional tangle is not catharsis per se, but letting our feelings speak to us and reveal what they are asking us to look at.” In other words, it is important to sit with and embody emotions before making judgments so we can have a better understanding of their origins and what they can teach us. This statement is so enlightening in terms of suppressing feelings with thoughts and not allowing emotions to come in because we fear them.

This “holding without judgment” had a profound effect on one of my clients when we worked on her emotions using the active imagination technique, which in turn revealed a belief system she has held for years. I had asked her to name an emotion that came up for her in one of her dreams of a skinny little girl trapped in a dark cave. She was able to locate that feeling somatically in her heart and belly. My client had worked on this image before and was willing to take it a step further by dialoguing with the little girl to see what came up. What surprised us both was what the little girl called herself.

Me: “What’s your name?”

Client: “I don’t know.”

Me: “If you could give yourself a name, what would it be?”

Client, perking up: “Joy!”

I have found working with dreams can be a gentle yet powerful gateway for healing, especially when it comes to identifying and working with emotions.

After the dialogue, the client was stunned by the name the little girl had chosen. This brought up a limiting feeling the client had created for herself: she often felt guilty for feeling good or joyful. Thus, the little girl, Joy, was not being nourished or cared for but instead hiding in a dark cave. What Joy wanted was for the client to check in from time to time and to be received. Afterward, we were both moved to tears by the experience.

Engaging with the emotions and allowing them to speak yielded some incredible information for the client to work with. It was also a humbling experience in terms of removing judgment and preconceived notions as to where this needed to go and allowing the process to enfold organically.

As to actively engaging in emotions versus suppressing our judgment of them, it was not surprising to note which interventions didn’t work. One such occasion was when I already had a goal in mind before we began the dialogue with Joy. I said to my client before we even talked to her, “All she has to do is get out of the cave.” Oh, really? How presumptuous of me!

“Immerse yourself in this place, what it feels like to be this little girl. You are this little girl,” I told my client. “How scared and lonely and looking at the sun. Imagine what that would be like as this little girl. The sadness in the heart and below the belly. Skinny body. Not being nourished in this dark cave. All she has to do is walk out.”

What arose for me was the need to fix the situation by saving Joy. Let’s bring her out of the cave! So obvious! This, of course, was my ego stepping in and wanting to be the heroine by saving the girl. There was resistance, of course. By setting the preconceived goal, I had put the pressure on wanting a future outcome rather than being present to trust what comes up naturally. I could feel the anxiety in my body as we moved through this process because I was worried it would fail somehow. I later realized my role was to receive and be supportive of her journey and not try to dictate or fix it. I didn’t have to “do” anything. In fact, Joy told us herself, “I want to be honored, acknowledged, received.”

Working with emotions is invaluable for inner growth, but even more so in terms of being humble before the great work. In alchemy, emotions are like the various stages of transformation in creating the philosopher’s stone. By actively engaging in each phase/emotion, we are trusting in the process as it unfolds naturally and therefore are transformed by it.

Diane Shainberg’s “Teaching Therapists How to Be with Their Clients” is one of my favorite articles in Awakening the Heart. She touches on the profound effects of allowing the process to be the guide rather than our egos, which includes being actively engaged with our emotions: “There is a key transformation in the supervisee when he is open to observing his patient as is, letting his patient be, dropping previously held judgments of himself and the patient, loosening ideas on how the therapy should go … the being is the doing.”

When we let go of judgment, get out of the way, and trust in the process, we can heal by cherishing who we truly are. If you’re interested in exploring your dreams and using them for your own healing, contact a therapist in your area who specializes in dreamwork.

References:

1. Jung, C.G. (1973). Memories, dreams and reflections. New York, NY: Vintage Books.
2. Lasley, J. (2017). Wake up to your dreams: Transform your relationships, career, and health while you sleep. Beijing: Double Spiral Publications.
3. Van Kaam, A. (1994). Spirituality and the gentle life. Pittsburgh, PA: Epiphany Association.
4. Walsh, R., & Vaughan, F. (Eds.). (1993). Paths beyond ego: The transpersonal vision. Los Angeles, CA: Jeremy P. Tarcher/Perigee.
5. Welwood, J. (editor) (1983). Awakening the heart: East/West approaches to psychotherapy and the healing relationship. Boulder, CO: Shambhala Publications.

While it’s stereotypical to be asked about one’s feelings in therapy, a common counter to that question is, “I don’t know!” or, “I’m not feeling anything right now.”

Part of my job, then, is often to alert people to the possibility they are having a feeling and they may be getting in its way.

Perhaps the most important part of therapy is asking yourself the feelings question when you’re outside of the counseling room. As it turns out, there are some surprising signals that you may be having a feeling. Let’s look at a few possible tells.

Beyond the Story

Feelings have less logic than thoughts. Many people who seek therapeutic support have thought their way backward and forward about their issue, yet they may be missing the emotional aspect.

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Stories are compelling. When a person in therapy is good storyteller, it can be enthralling. Of course, they are probably enthralling to others; they don’t need to pay me to be one more member of their audience. This leaves me with the somewhat challenging job of interjecting.

“Okay, but what are you feeling?” I ask.

Sometimes, there are physical signs of something being experienced internally.

Physical Clues to Feelings

No, I don’t think there is a deeper emotional meaning in everything.

Sometimes a cough is just a cough. But occasionally, if I’m sensing someone is clouding their emotions with some avoidant behavior, I take a chance and ask a strange (if not impertinent) question about what else is happening for them. (My hope is that the person coming to me for support will start doing this on their own, outside of therapy.)

A few examples that might be worded more carefully in the moment:

Sure, some people laugh. Some get angry. But once they sit with these questions, a good 75% of the time we discover something we weren’t talking about that we can now bring into the room.

• Burping: What’s coming up for you? Figuratively, of course.
• Drinking water/coffee/tea: What would happen if you didn’t take that sip right now? What might you be swallowing?
• Going to the bathroom during a session: Is it possible you’re pissed at me?
• Yawns or expressions of fatigue: What feelings are being put to sleep?

Sure, some people laugh. Some get angry. But once they sit with these questions, a good 75% of the time we discover something we weren’t talking about that we can now bring into the room.

I’ve been on the other end. Many times. All of this comes from years of my own therapist asking me these sometimes laughable, sometimes absurd, but often accurate and helpful questions.

Sometimes I just need to pee, but I know how much I’ve worked on my anger, so it doesn’t hurt to take a few minutes to explore if I’m holding back something. Maybe it’s mild irritation that my therapist isn’t “getting me” today. Maybe it’s full-on rage at something I’ve been stuffing.

These are just a few possible cues. You know yourself. What physical tics may be an indication of a feeling for you?

Now What?

The feedback I get after expressing this stuff to a person in therapy is usually, “Okay, now what?”

Well, now you get to let the feeling be. Now you get to come out of your story. Now you get to park your thoughts and see what might be driving. You get to examine what might be getting in the way of connecting to your partner. You get to consider what might be stopping you from following through on tasks for a boss you don’t like.

When you can acknowledge your feeling, you don’t have to spend energy squelching it and hiding it from others.

Hey, you’re one of the lucky ones. You’re in therapy. You can express that feeling without judgment and without it taking control of you.

Who knew a seemingly ill-timed burp could hold so much?

(Excuse me.)

Children often make discoveries through physical actions such as running, walking, playing, and scribbling. Their inner worlds manifest through these physical experiences. When a child is irritable, stressed, or struggling emotionally, their symptoms often appear physically. These symptoms may be seen as tension, crying tantrums, physical aggression, running away, throwing things, and so on.

Eventually, most children learn to regulate their emotions and express themselves in other ways. Emotional regulation refers to the ability to monitor feelings, evaluate emotional and physical responses, and modify emotional reactions in order to accomplish a goal. A child’s goal might range from earning screen time to not wanting to feel embarrassed in front of friends. A goal might also be a learned one, such as acting the “right” way at home.

Parents are largely responsible for regulating a child’s experience (for example, soothing a crying baby) in infancy and early childhood. When children reach preschool age, they begin to emotionally regulate independently. For youth without traumatic experiences or neurodiversity (autism, attention-deficit hyperactivity, or other neurodiverse conditions), independent emotional regulation becomes fairly stable around adolescence.

But some children struggle with the process of emotional regulation. Emotional dysregulation describes an inability or difficulty with monitoring, evaluating, and modifying emotional and physical responses. A number of factors can contribute to the development of this difficulty. Regardless of cause, the effects of emotional dysregulation may be seen in a child’s behavior. A child may also experience increased mental health symptoms as a result. [fat_widget_child_counselor_right]

What Does Emotional Dysregulation Look Like?

Emotional dysregulation appears in two major forms: under-regulation and over-regulation.

Under-regulation may occur when:

• Children cannot sense their emotional experience.
• Children cannot sense environmental triggers.
• Children have little to no internal mechanism to soothe themselves. This can be seen in some children who have experienced traumatic events and children with neurodiversity.

Under-regulation can result in behaviors such as impulsive actions, physical acting out, frequent meltdowns, poor concentration, and irritability.

Dance/movement therapy has been found to be helpful for many children. This approach offers body-based, clinical interventions for kids who present with symptoms of emotional dysregulation, struggle with emotional experience, and/or find it difficult to self-regulate emotionally. 

Over-regulation may occur when:

• Children can sense emotions but have trouble listening to them.
• Children modify or suppress their emotional experience.

Over-regulation may lead children to lose a sense of connection with their emotions and with others. It can result in behaviors such as withdrawal, isolation, compulsions, and even outbursts of anger and aggression.

Helping Children Cope with Emotional Dysregulation

A number of treatments can help a person address their emotional experience and cope in healthier ways. Dance/movement therapy is one that has been found to be helpful for many children. This approach offers body-based, clinical interventions for kids who present with symptoms of emotional dysregulation, struggle with emotional experience, and/or find it difficult to self-regulate emotionally.

The American Dance Therapy Association defines dance/movement therapy as “the psychotherapeutic use of movement to promote emotional, social, cognitive and physical integration of the individual.” Trained dance/movement therapists use large motor movement, physical gestures, nonverbal communication, problem-solving skills, and movement games to engage children in therapy. These tactics can help the children address a variety of behaviors and symptoms, emotional dysregulation among them.

An integrative approach, dance/movement therapy uses the mind, body, and emotions. This type of treatment lends itself well to addressing the major areas of emotional dysregulation while meeting children at their developmental level.

Dance/movement therapy can help children with emotional regulation by:

• Providing a physical outlet for emotional energy: Movement, dance, and body-based interventions are the primary modes of interaction. Physical movements on their own can offer children a chance to exert emotional energy. Dance/movement therapists are uniquely trained to offer movement interventions within a child’s scope of tolerance while providing a safe space for them to engage in physical activity. Movement as treatment can also assist children who over-regulate to physically express some of their suppressed emotions.
• Increasing body awareness: As with repetition in any form, increased practice results in increased skill. Youth who participate in dance/movement therapy learn to use their body through focused intervention on a regular basis. This participation results in increased body control and increased body awareness. This awareness in turn helps children learn to recognize and understand physical signs of distress. Responding to early physical signs of distress is an important part of learning to cope, manage, and regulate emotions.
• Offering a new way to cope: Not all children are able to sit still and engage in activities like coloring to self-regulate. Many children need to move. Just as creating art, listening to music, and playing video games can help children cope with emotions, so can dance and movement. Through the dance/movement therapy process, children not only get to move around and increase body-based self-awareness, but they also learn to use movement and dance to cope. Children may practice movement-based coping strategies in session with the therapist and learn through experience how dance and movement can help improve emotional well-being.
• Alternative to talk-based processing: An expressive arts therapy, dance/movement therapy uses movement as a tool for processing feelings, events, and experiences. In session, movement is the primary avenue for children to create and re-experience, directly or indirectly, through metaphor and play. Dance/movement therapists can assist children in expressing traumatic experiences, challenging social circumstances, and reliving those experiences through a strength-based, movement lens.

Children interact and experience the world through movement and physical engagement. They tend to express their fears, frustrations, joys, and challenges through their bodies. Some children struggle to manage their emotional experiences. Others may suppress their emotions and withdraw. Dance/movement therapy can be of benefit in both situations. This clinical medium for movement-based processing and coping can help children work toward independent emotional regulation.

If you’d like to learn more about dance/movement therapy for your child, a therapist or counselor may be able to provide you with more information or a referral.

References: 

1. Ahmed, S. P., Bittencourt-Hewitt, A., & Sebastian, C. L. (2015). Neurocognitive bases of emotion regulation development in adolescence. Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience, 15, 11-25. doi: 10.1016/j.dcn.2015.07.006
2. American Dance Therapy Association. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://adta.org
3. Fielding, L. (2017, December 6). Finding emotional balance: Are you an over or under regulator? Huffington Post. Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lara-fielding/finding-emotional-balance-are-you-an-over-or-under-regulator_b_8218256.html
4. Matusiewicz, A., Weaverling, G., & Lejuez, C. W. (2014). Emotion dysregulation among adolescents with borderline personality disorder. Handbook of borderline personality disorder in children and adolescents, 177-194. doi: 10.1007/978-1-4939-0591-1_13

What feelings were denied you as a child?

Did your parents or caregivers say:

• “I don’t ever want to hear those words again” in response to your anger?
• “I’ll give you something to cry about” when you felt sad?
• “Don’t touch yourself there” when you experienced pleasure?
• “You don’t really feel that, do you?”—denying your experience altogether?

While some feelings may have been allowed, we’ve all experienced the discomfort of others around our more “negative” emotional expressions. This can be especially problematic in romantic relationships. In his book Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix, PhD explores “forbidden feelings” and the concept of repression. He writes: “Your angry feelings, your sexual feelings, and a host of other ‘antisocial’ thoughts and feelings were pushed deep inside of you and were not allowed to see the light of day.”

Hendrix acknowledges that the rules of emotional expression differ between men and women. Starting in early childhood, what’s “allowed” for boys and what’s “allowed” for girls is clear.

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He notes that, for boys, emotional expression or the expression of empathy is perceived as weakness or fear. Girls, on the other hand, are encouraged toward these tender exchanges.

Males learn to cut off their own emotional experiences, which, in turn, impacts their ability to express themselves clearly and to develop empathy for partners. The cutoff often looks like withdrawal, leaving the more emotionally expressive partner to chase after the distant one.

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In my work with both heterosexual and same-sex couples, I have seen these patterns play out repeatedly. Men and women repress their feelings based on a host of unique factors.

Factors that influence emotional repression date back to early childhood. These can include influential personalities in the person’s family of origin, cultural and religious background, definitions of masculinity and femininity, trauma, the political climate, and more.

Some of my most meaningful work with a person occurs when they learn how to undo their own emotional repression. Here are some of the steps we take to help them emotionally evolve.

1. Learn Emotional Language

When repressed enough, partners lose their ability to retrieve the language of emotions. Evidence of this may include responses such as “I don’t know” or “I can’t describe it” when a person is asked how they feel.

We start small, reviewing the six most basic human emotions: anger, sadness, fear, joy, love, and surprise. But knowing the feelings is not always enough to name them in the moment.

Healthy emotional communication calls for being both a giver and a receiver. Reciprocation of emotional expression provides the richest environment for intimacy to grow.

2. Work from the Outside In

Feelings register in the body. We typically feel our emotions in our throats, behind our eyes, in our torsos (including back and chest), in our bellies, and sometimes in our legs, arms, hands, and feet. Knowing the sensations of the body helps you connect your experience to the learned emotional language. Heat in your cheeks might connect to anger, a lump in your throat might indicate sadness, loss of breath may connect to surprise, and butterflies in the belly or ice-cold palms may mean fear.

Notice your reactions to conversations and experiences, pay attention to your body, and begin to make the connections for yourself.

3. Verbalize the Feeling

Once you tune into the sensation and connect it to the relevant feeling word, you can verbalize the feeling by sharing with your partner. You can say, for example, “I’m aware that I have butterflies in my stomach and that I feel scared,” or, “I can feel my heart pounding right now; I know I’m angry and I need time to cool off.”

Being able to verbalize your feelings gives you and your partner a chance to communicate about what’s fueling them and why they may be uncomfortable.

Conclusion

When you complete all three steps, you’re overcoming emotional repression. You’re no longer detaching from your feelings. You’re no longer denying yourself the right to speak up about your experience. You’re allowing others to know you more deeply.

Of course, there are other feelings words, such as disappointment, loss, confusion, bewilderment, hope, excitement, and more. But for anyone who has a lifetime of emotional repression, the six most basic human emotions often capture enough to name the feeling adequately. As you become more habitual in sensing, naming, and verbalizing your emotions, consider expanding your emotional language to describe how you feel.

For those of you on the receiving end, check in with yourselves. Make sure you want what is offered. Anger, sadness, and fear are generally harder to receive than love, joy, and surprise. Sometimes, people tell me they want their partners to express themselves more fully, but when they do, the receivers struggle to take in what their partners say.

Healthy emotional communication calls for being both a giver and a receiver. Reciprocation of emotional expression provides the richest environment for intimacy to grow. If you are struggling with this, either individually or as a couple, make an appointment with a licensed counselor.

Reference:

Hendrix, H. (2008). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples. New York, NY: Holt Paperbacks.

What, exactly, is an emotion?

This question has long been debated. Nonetheless, this complex state can be said to involve cognitive appraisals, physiological changes, and behavioral responses. Take, for instance, fear—one of the most researched emotions. An event or situation that triggers fear results in a cognitive appraisal, a thought that evaluates the situation. This, in turn, brings about a physiological change in the body, such as an increased heart rate, increased temperature, or tense muscles. A behavioral response, such as screaming or running away, often follows.

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Researchers Alan S. Cowen and Dacher Keltner at the University of California, Berkeley have identified 27 categories of emotions, all of which serve a purpose. Without them, we would not know when to feel alarmed (anxiety), let down (disappointment), or safe (relaxation), for example. Emotions also inform others about our inner state, which in turn evokes their own emotions and promotes various social interactions.

Emotions become an issue when they are overwhelming, inappropriate for the situation, or we experience negative ones too often. Many of our difficulties with emotions come from the way we think about the world, things around us, things that happened to us, and so forth. Intense emotions can be distressing and may interfere with our ability to carry out day-to-day activities and the way we interact with others. Therefore, it is important to know how to manage intense emotions.

Cognitive behavioral therapy encourages individuals to do the following:

1. Label Your Emotions

The first step to help manage emotional discomfort is to label the emotions we are experiencing. It is important to become familiar with the different types of emotions, including those that are more complex (such as contempt, love, and remorse), so we can correctly label our experience of them.

2. Identify Thoughts Behind Your Emotions

The thoughts that precede our emotions also provide additional insights into our difficulties. The thought “I’m not as smart as other people at this meeting” can result in great distress and limit our verbal exchanges. However, we can change the way we think by asking ourselves if what we are thinking is true, helpful, or kind. If the answer is no, we have a way to modify our thinking (e.g., “People at this meeting are probably not worried about my intelligence”). This is known as cognitive reappraisal.

3. Carefully Examine Any Other Emotions

Believe it or not, many of us do not correctly identify emotions. We may say we are sad when what we are really experiencing is frustration or shame. Therefore, it is important to go back and reexamine what we are experiencing. Our thoughts should match our feelings. It is also important to realize we may be experiencing more than one emotion. This step enhances our understanding of what we are experiencing.

4. Rate Your Emotions

For experiences that seem too hard to manage or intolerable, it is helpful to rate the degree of emotion we are experiencing. This can be done using a scale of 0-10 or by giving a percentage of how much an emotion is being felt at a given moment. Ratings not only help us determine which emotions we are struggling with the most, they give us an idea of how we perceive the difficulty. A bonus is that ratings can be a great tool for monitoring improvements in the way we are feeling.

5. Practice Acceptance

There are times when cognitive reappraisal is difficult, especially if a professional is not there to help. More recent literature has evolved suggesting it is helpful, however, to notice the full experience of emotions with openness and curiosity. This practice involves recognizing patterns of thinking (e.g., “I’m often panicked”), physiological sensations (e.g., muscle tension), and maladaptive behavior (e.g., avoiding communication of personal needs) without changing them. This allows you to create “space” for these less pleasant emotions.

6. Increase Positive Emotions

Give attention to positive events, things that interest you, and practice gratitude. We can proactively modify our feelings not only by changing the way we think or creating space, but by attending to more pleasant experiences.

Conclusion

To successfully implement these strategies, you will need to practice, practice, and practice again. Change takes time and patience. Do not overemphasize reduction of negative emotions; remember, emotions are there for a reason. It is best to focus on personal growth and improvement. And if you are not experiencing the desired improvements, it may be time to seek professional help.

References:

1. Aldao, A. (2008). Coping and emotion regulation. In S. Hayes & S. Hoffman (Eds.) Processed Based CBT: The Science and Core Competencies of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (pp. 261-272). Oakland, CA: Context Press.
2. Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive behavior therapy: Basics and beyond (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Guilford Press.
3. Hockenbury, D. H., & Hockenbury, S. E. (2007). Discovering psychology. New York, NY: Worth Publishers.
4. Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. New York, NY: Guilford Press.
5. Papa, A., & Epstein, E. (2008). Emotions and emotion regulation. In S. Hayes & S. Hoffman (Eds.) Processed-Based CBT: The Science and Core Competencies of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (pp. 137-152). Oakland, CA: Context Press.

“Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful parts of us.” —David Richo, PhD, MFT

“Everyone is down on pain, because they forgot something important about it: Pain is for the living. Only the dead don’t feel it.” —Jim Butcher, author

“The sweetest pleasures are those which are hardest to be won.” —Giacomo Casanova, adventurer and author

According to Sigmund Freud, we’re all pleasure seekers; it’s our fundamental nature. He said maturity is the ability to postpone desire for comfort and pleasure in order to deal with reality. Despite ongoing controversy about some of his more unusual concepts, I think he was right about this one. Humans have come up with an astounding variety of ways to change pain into pleasure. Here is a partial list of things I’ve heard people talking about just in the last week or so:

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• Marijuana (this one’s popular these days!)
• Alcohol
• Vacation
• Overeating
• Undereating
• Running
• Netflix
• Medication
• Organizing one’s closets
• Knitting
• “Zoning out”
• Caffeine
• Chocolate
• Gaming
• Music
• Overworking
• Avoiding work
• Sex

As always, these things aren’t inherently bad; many are wonderful. Like anything in life, it’s all in how these things are used, especially over time. Are we using them to avoid difficult emotions? Or are we using them to create something in our best interest?

When it comes to dealing with pain, though, there’s another approach. In meditation and 12-step recovery circles, we are often told to “just sit with it.” What does this mean?

In psychology, affect tolerance basically means this: how much of your emotion can you tolerate? Sit with? Feel? That is, without needing to take action to shut them off.

In psychology, affect tolerance basically means this: how much of your emotion can you tolerate? Sit with? Feel? That is, without needing to take action to shut them off. There is no way to precisely measure emotion or someone’s tolerance of it. However, it’s useful as one indicator of mental and emotional health.

Why would anyone want to hang out with their lousy feelings? This is a valid question, and having a clear answer in mind is pretty much a prerequisite for doing the work. Drawing on my clinical (and personal) experience, here is why I believe feeling one’s difficult feelings (and increasing one’s affect tolerance in the process) is useful:

• Because feeling our difficult feelings is what makes them go away. And I mean truly go away, not just lurk around, waiting to pop up on a rainy day. Now, there are a few caveats: The feelings have to be within the person’s window of tolerance. That is, the intensity must be somewhere in between avoiding and flooding—that “sweet spot” where the body can metabolize the feelings. In the case of complex trauma, this may take a while (and therapeutic assistance is important). The worse the trauma, the longer it may take, but the vast majority of people are capable of positive change if they put their minds to it and have a competent guide. Sitting with difficult feelings is a skill best learned from another, more experienced human being (parent, mentor, sponsor, therapist, etc.).
• Because we can’t shut down pain without also shutting down a lot of our pleasure. And I think it’s our birthright to feel the joy of just being alive. Our bodies are made to feel good in simply existing, when things are going well. Dissociation is like novocaine: it might take away the pain, but you’re not going to perceive much pleasure, either. Especially not the deeply felt, embodied pleasure and liveliness that constitute peak experiences.
• Because our experience of “bad” feelings shifts over time as we get the hang of it. “Parting is such sweet sorrow,” Shakespeare wrote. Believe it or not, there is usually a positive aspect to unpleasant feelings. But it’s like the post-workout high: you have to be “in shape” in order to start experiencing it. It may feel lousy at first.
• Because it feels fantastic when the old feelings are cleared. Many people who have habitually avoided their emotions find it difficult to feel their bodies’ signals. There’s good reason for this: our bodies are where the trauma lives. In somatic therapy circles, we call this “being disembodied” to some degree. [amazon_affiliate]
• Because emotional repression creates chronic stress, which lowers immune response and makes us vulnerable to physical illness. Dr. Gabor Maté explores this connection at length in his book When The Body Says No. This book is a synthesis of theory, his own clinical vignettes, and a lot of medical research. In the chapter titled “Stress, Hormones, Repression, and Cancer,” Dr. Maté explains the interactions between stress-responsive endocrine glands, the brain, and the immune system. “In short, for cancer causation it is not enough that DNA damage occur; also necessary are the failure of DNA repair and/or an impairment of regulated cell death. Stress and the repression of emotion can negatively affect both of those processes” (p. 92). On page 97, he continues, “Under conditions of chronic stress, the immune system may become either too confused to recognize the mutated cell clones that form the cancer or too debilitated to mount an effective attack against them.” Of course, psychotherapy can not treat medical problems and is not a substitute for medical care. In a more general way, the body of work called psychoneuroimmunology promotes the idea of well-being by increasing self-regulation, particularly downregulation, or coming out of the stress response.

In some cases, it may take a while to get to where you want to be emotionally. The cultivation of affect tolerance and a rich inner life is, I believe, a lifetime practice. But, really, is there anything more important in life than feeling truly healthy, good, and at the top of your game? Wouldn’t you rather look back five years from now and be glad you started the work then? What do you have to lose?

References:

1. Azar, B. (2001). A new take on psychoneuroimmunology. Monitor On Psychology: American Psychological Association. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/monitor/dec01/anewtake.aspx
2. Maté, G. (2003). When the body says no: Exploring the stress-disease connection. New Jersey: Wiley and Sons.

“If you try to lose weight by shaming, depriving, and fearing yourself, you will end up shamed, deprived, and afraid. Kindness comes first. Always.” —Geneen Roth

Fat.

Adipose. Flesh. Avoirdupois. Chub. Paunch. Flab. Corpulence.

It’s difficult to think of an aspect of the human body more complex and controversial than fat, aside, perhaps, from sexuality. During medieval times, when famines could and did occur, corpulence was valued because fat symbolized wealth, or the possession of resources that conveyed invulnerability to life’s ups and downs. As such, it was seen as if not desirable, then at least neutral (Vigarello, 2013). For peasants and members of agricultural societies, obesity was practically unheard of.

In modern Western culture, however, the tables have (mostly) turned. Today, for the most part, wealthier people tend to have access to healthier, more nutrient-dense foods. The higher nutrient density keeps total calorie intake much lower, since more nutrients and fiber satiate the body quickly with fewer calories (Furman, 2011).

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Less economically fortunate people, on the other hand, tend to not have much fresh, healthy food available in their neighborhoods. Even when fresh food is available, they may lack sufficient income to purchase it. Social justice activists have coined a term for when a community lacks access to healthy food: “food desert”. With fast food or junk food being much more economical and widely available to people living near or below the poverty line, it may be easier for people living in poverty to put on pounds.

The issue remains complex, with many different variables. As far as modern social attitudes towards extra fat go, many dislike it, even loathe it. Certainly, many people don’t like it on their own body, but some even become angry when they see abundant adipose tissue on someone else’s body. For some, fat is part of a truly vicious cycle of self-loathing. Geneen Roth writes that when she was in her twenties, she hated her fat so much, she wanted to slice it off with a knife. Then she would have been standing there, trembling and bleeding, but at least she would be thin.

As far as modern social attitudes towards extra fat go, many dislike it, even loathe it. Certainly, many people don’t like it on their own body, but some even become angry when they see abundant adipose tissue on someone else’s body. For some, fat is part of a truly vicious cycle of self-loathing.

Others passionately defend fat and its hosts. The fat acceptance movement has risen to defend people from fatphobia, or the unwarranted ostracism, contempt, and bullying frequently experienced by heavier people. Still others may fetishize fat, forming a subculture around the care and feeding of those too large to get out into the world and fend for themselves.

Medically speaking, fat tissue has been implicated in its associations with cancer, heart disease, diabetes, arthritis and other inflammatory diseases. Some people debate the validity of these assertions, pointing to research showing that in some cases, being what’s considered “slightly overweight” may in fact lower mortality rates. Further, movements such as the Health at Every Size movement point out that body shapes and sizes are diverse, describe the harm restrictive dieting can cause, and work to promote health without focusing on weight loss.

The Issue of Fat

As you can see, the issue of fat is very complex. In this article I am emphatically not taking any position as to the goodness or badness, nor as to the beauty or ugliness, of this embattled tissue. Rather, I want to explore: What is fat, and what is it doing for us? There are high levels of vehemence, vitriol, and medical admonishment against fat, yet many people carry what is considered by current medical standards to be excess poundage. There must be some function or functions powerful enough to override the tremendous social forces against it. What is going on here?

First, let’s look at the overall somatic context. The human body consists of multiple types of tissues, which tend to occur in layers.

Muscle tissue comes in two types: smooth (usually involuntary, like intestines or uterus) and striated (voluntary skeletal muscles that move our limbs and support our core).

Bone, though often ignored or underrated, is an amazing part of our bodies. Living bone has a pinkish tinge and is more flexible than the rigid, white bone that comes more readily to mind. It gives structure and support, and provides “spacers” for the muscular system (without it, the muscles that attach to and move the bones would contract into tight little balls). The marrow of bones produces blood and immune cells.

Our skin (which itself comes in several layers) is a vital part of our sensory system. It blocks water loss, UV rays, and germs; regulates temperature; and provides a boundary between our bodies and the greater world.

The fascia is a connective tissue that penetrates all other tissues and binds us together. Muscles slide over its smooth surfaces, and it prevents our organs from sloshing around inside us like a big bag of goo.

Our nervous system (brain, spinal cord and peripheral nerves) controls the body via nerve impulses and signals to release hormones.

Our fluid system includes blood, lymph, digestive fluids, and interstitial (between-cell) fluids. It transports oxygen, cellular wastes, hormones, glucose, and other nutrients.

And then there is fat.

Fat does many things for its host organism. As most people know, it can be considered a kind of “energy savings account” in case of famine or illness. Fat provides insulation, particularly against cold, and padding, so our bones don’t grind on the surfaces we sit or lean on. Fat forms part of the breast tissue, allowing mothers to feed their infants, and is also involved in hormone production

Some believe fat stores toxins in a way that makes them inert, or prevents them from damaging the vital organs, though I must point out that I don’t know whether this claim is backed by scientific evidence. I do recall a long-ago evening in which a friend and I took a long walk (of about three hours) to the beach. He had recently quit using marijuana and hadn’t used any at all for several months. The walk was long enough that metabolically, we both switched from running on blood glucose to primarily burning accumulated fat stores. By the time we got back to my house, he was, as they say, high as a kite—without having taken a single hit of marijuana.

And then there is another function of fat, one that’s not so commonly discussed. I don’t know whether or not it has been demonstrated in any medical literature, but eating disorder therapists (and many who overeat, binge eat, or experience a related type of disordered eating) will know this one: Fat is an emotional insulator.

How Fat Can Help Insulate Us from Emotions

Having extra fat on the body can help protect against feeling the intensity of unprocessed emotions. It’s like a thick coat of insulation on an extremely high-voltage wire. In this regard, it helps keep us in some semblance of balance, able to exist and function without becoming completely obliterated by our own emotional charge.

We have to live life on life’s terms, and these terms are not always kind. At any moment, even when we are young and vulnerable children, life can hand us events that are just too big for us to deal with in an efficient or comfortable manner.

We have to live life on life’s terms, and these terms are not always kind. At any moment, even when we are young and vulnerable children, life can hand us events that are just too big for us to deal with in an efficient or comfortable manner. The emotional aspect of our survival energies tends to be unbelievably strong. Repression may cut us off from old, unprocessed emotions, but blocking or repressing emotions may only work up to a certain extent.

What might happen if a person carries such large emotional charges without insulation of some sort, or other cut-off strategies such as substance abuse? I have heard many people making statements similar to these:

• “You know those cables that come out of the big power plants? Well, I felt like I was plugged into one of those. Or riding a lightning bolt. I just couldn’t shut it off.” (Note that the relationship between trauma and bipolar is sometimes murky; experiencing a state such as this does not necessarily mandate a diagnosis of bipolar.)
• “I couldn’t move. I couldn’t get out of bed. I tried. It was like when you push the gas pedal in your car, but nothing happens.”
• “I just felt awful. It was like wave after wave of the worst, cruddiest feeling was washing over me.”
• “When I lost weight, I constantly felt vulnerable. Like everyone was looking at me and could see right to my core. When I’m fat, I’m invisible.”

Still others have talked about the sense that their experience with psychosis or other mental health issues began in part because their systems just couldn’t contain the terrible traumas they had experienced. I believe this sheer intensity is the true meaning of the word overwhelmed and, in my experience, sufficient to explain why some people find themselves overweight.

These days, many people are talking about the Adverse Childhood Experiences study. A physician treating obesity at Kaiser noticed that his most successful patients—those who had lost the most weight—were dropping out of his program. Intrigued, he arranged for follow-up with the ex-participants, who shared that their weight loss brought up old traumatic emotions from childhood. It was easier to live life with morbid obesity, despite any pain and inconvenience it might cause, than it was to face those old feelings.

That is testament to the power of old trauma, and of fat as a semi-conscious strategy to help contain it.

Certainly, the issue of excess body fat is very complex, and so are the people who carry it. Genetics undoubtedly play some role in a person’s predisposition to weight gain. Others may live in food deserts or, out of choice or necessity, fall into habits that support weight gain. Athletes who get injured and don’t change their food intake are prone to gaining weight. Some people also tend to overeat as a way of bolstering their overall energy when tired (Dr. Judith Orloff calls this “energy defensive eating”).

In short, if you have a lifestyle where you are constantly running on fatigue and overwhelm and/or neglecting your own needs for the needs of others, it can be easy to gain weight—particularly if you have a “sit-down” job. Researchers and medical experts have begun to point out that sitting for long periods of time can negatively impact health. Some have even called it the “new smoking.”

Society exerts tremendous pressure to conform to a thinner body standard. This social pressure often contributes to internal pressure. But all people, regardless of their size, deserve compassion and kindness—from themselves as well as from others—not judgment or ostracism. If someone is insulating their feelings with a layer of fat, then the more cruelty they experience, the more entrenched their defenses are likely to become. Even if their size causes them distress, they may find it all the more difficult to lose weight.

Our bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and we cannot completely control the way they look. We really never know what life will end up bringing us, and to some extent, we must accept what life has already handed us. As with any aspect of the human condition–there but for the grace of luck, circumstance, and the genetic lottery, go all of us.

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Those who struggle with difficult emotions and/or overwhelm and desire to lose weight but haven’t been able to (in other words, if this article speaks to you) might consider working with a compassionate therapist trained in helping people increase affect tolerance and move gently into and out of old feelings.

“Fat-bashing in all its varied forms–criticism, exclusion, shaming, fat talk, self-deprecation, jokes, gossip, bullying–is one of the last socially acceptable forms of prejudice. From a very young age, before they can walk away or defend themselves, women are taught that they are how they look, not what they do or what they know.” —Robyn Silverman, Good Girls Don’t Get Fat: How Weight Obsession Is Messing Up Our Girls and How We Can Help Them Thrive Despite It

References:

1. Afzal, S., Tybjaerg-Hansen, A., Jensen, G., & Nordestgaard, B. G. (2016). Change in body mass index associated with lowest mortality in Denmark, 1976-2013. JAMA. doi:10.1001/jama.2016.4666
2. Brown, H. (2015, November 17). The obesity paradox: Scientists now think that being overweight can protect your health. Quartz Media. Retrieved from https://qz.com/550527/obesity-paradox-scientists-now-think-that-being-overweight-is-sometimes-good-for-your-health
3. Furman, J. (2011). Eat to live: The amazing nutrient-rich program for fast and sustained weight loss. New York, NY: Little Brown and Co.
4. Gerstacker, D. (2014, September 5). Sitting is the new smoking—7 ways a sedentary lifestyle is killing you. The Active Times. Retrieved from https://www.theactivetimes.com/sitting-new-smoking-7-ways-sedentary-lifestyle-killing-you?utm_source=huffington%2Bpost&utm_medium=partner&utm_campaign=sitting
5. Roth, G. (2011) Women, food, and God. New York, NY: Scribner.
6. Scutti, S. (2017, September 22). Yes, sitting too long can kill you, even if you exercise. CNN. Retrieved from https://www.cnn.com/2017/09/11/health/sitting-increases-risk-of-death-study/index.html
7. Vigarello, G. (2013). The metamorphoses of fat: A history of obesity. New York, NY: Columbia University Press.

This year, I chose to stay home over the holidays. I didn’t choose to stay home because I don’t love my family or because I didn’t want to see them. I chose to stay home for the sake of honoring my emotions.

As someone who struggles with mental health issues, being around multiple people at once can have a tremendous effect on me—and not a positive one. My family is aware of my conditions, but they don’t always know how to respond to my emotions, let alone understand why I feel the way I do. So before large gatherings, I tend to become anxious, panicky, and overwhelmed.

This year, I’d already been feeling an increase in my anxiety before the party even began, and that was the only indicator I needed to make my decision. Some guilt arose while I was in the process of deciding to stay home, but I knew I would only benefit in the long run.

Here are the three key things I told myself to help curb the guilt I experienced as a result of choosing to stay home rather than participate in holiday celebrations with my family.

1. I don’t owe anybody anything.

I have always been a people-pleaser. Now, I know there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do something that will make another person happy or looking forward to seeing someone’s face light up with joy when you do something kind. But I’ve learned it’s important to draw a line when we begin to sacrifice our own peace and comfort for the sake of someone else’s happiness. [fat_widget_right]

If you know going to a family function or a party with friends is going to make you an anxious mess, I feel it’s best to practice honoring and acknowledging your body and mental health by making the decision that will be best for you, which might be to just stay home.

When I was in the throes of my people-pleasing days, I was always under the impression that if I said, “No,” or did something when I didn’t really want to do it, it would be rude, unkind, and selfish. But I’m here to tell you that it’s not! It is everything but that. By making the best choice for you, not someone else, you are cultivating self-compassion and being loving and kind to yourself. Your body and your mental health will thank you every time you make a decision that is based on how you truly feel.

2. I can’t take the reactions of others personally. 

I will be honest and say I am still working hard on this particular part. But I am pretty proud of myself that I stuck with my choice to stay home this year without letting fear of my family’s reaction influence me.

If you know that going to a family function or a party with friends is going to make you an anxious mess, I feel it’s best to practice honoring and acknowledging your body and mental health by making the decision that will be best for you, which might be to just stay home.

The reality of life is, no matter what we do or what we say, we cannot make anyone feel or react a certain way. How other people choose to react to our personal decisions is solely on them—not on us. We can only control how we feel and what we say and do. The rest is completely out of our control. And part of truly honoring ourselves is to not take the things we can’t control personally.

Thankfully, my family wasn’t upset with my decision to stay home, but I still had to prepare myself—just in case they were. I told myself over and over again that if they were mad or upset with me, I could not control that. All I could do was what I needed for myself, what was right for me. By choosing to honor my boundaries and stick with them, no matter how others reacted, I was able to support my own well-being.

3. I need to trust my gut. 

As I mentioned, I was already experiencing anticipatory anxiety about having to go to my family’s house. From the moment I woke up, I had the gut feeling that I really didn’t want to go. My body and mind were both telling me it would be a healthy choice to lie low at home and take it easy. I knew it wouldn’t be a good idea to put myself in a situation that would only provoke my anxiety.

All three points have one major theme in common: Honor your thoughts and emotions. Listen to them. Accept them.

I had to learn it was all right to put myself first. In fact, many times when I honored my emotions and said “No” to an obligation, I found that people actually responded with more respect and understanding because I was so truthful!

Learning to honor my emotions, trust my gut, and not take things personally didn’t just come naturally, though. Seeing a therapist regularly has helped me tremendously with all three of those things, and there is no shame in needing one if you feel like you’re having trouble honoring your emotions and/or if you struggle to say “No” to obligations, even when you wish you could. My therapist has supported me as I learned to find my own voice, and my work in therapy has empowered me throughout the years to utilize my voice every chance I get. Your voice is your truth, and no one can take that away from you.

If you aren’t feeling well when you have plans, and deep down, you really do not want to go out and do something, I encourage you to learn to be truthful, with yourself and with others. By doing so, you will likely learn, just as I did, that it’s perfectly all right to say no if you aren’t feeling good about something.

If you are struggling with how to begin, seeking support from a mental health professional might be a good place to start—doing so helped me a great deal. By finding your voice, you may not only find yourself opening up the door to self-empowerment, and you might also encourage others around you to do the same.

Julia is a college student and mental health advocate coping with borderline personality. She is currently studying psychology in order to become a licensed mental health counselor (LMHC). 

Recently there has been an increasing trend in my practice of parents reaching out to help their adolescents manage their emotions. Parents often tell me, “My teen goes from zero to sixty, seemingly without any provocation. Nothing I say seems to help. Discipline doesn’t have an impact.”

I think we all must remember that being a teen is not something most of us would like to repeat. It’s difficult to manage the various changes that happen all at once—physical changes, emotional changes, life changes. During the teen years, the brain develops at such a rapid pace that it puts the limbic system into fight, flight, or freeze mode. When the brain is in this mode, it is less able to access executive functions such as reason, logic, or the ability to use good judgment.

In addition to that, it’s also essential to consider the many things life throws in a teen’s path that can result in trauma, anxiety, depression, or general distress. In trying to navigate social situations, bullies and other stressors, school, various other responsibilities, and home life, as well as beginning (or continuing) the process of self-discovery, teens have a full plate indeed.

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Developing Skills To Manage Emotions

Fortunately there are skills teens can learn to help manage their emotions and the many changes they are facing. Managing emotions is one of the most important life skills a person can develop. I work with many adults who became stuck in adolescence while trying to learn to manage their emotions. As a result, they find their adult relationships difficult to navigate at times.

I believe one of the most important strategies to develop in managing emotions is the ability to identify feelings. Sometimes teens find it difficult to let themselves know what they are feeling, or perhaps they simply don’t know how to identify their feelings. Once they are able to identify and articulate their feelings, vulnerability comes into play, but often the vulnerability piece is avoided because of fear of rejection. Defense mechanisms such as criticism, defensiveness, blaming others, shutting down, or using anger to intimidate are some of the strategies teens may resort to in order to save face.

Learning to Accept Feelings

I believe it’s also of great importance for teens to learn how to accept their feelings. I often work with teenagers who want me to tell them how to make their charged emotions go away. I sometimes ask, “What would happen if you accepted your feelings?” The notion of accepting feelings is not one that is often seen as an option. What I see more often in teenagers is the underlying belief that if the feelings are accepted, they are settling for feeling that way on an ongoing basis.

I remind teens that emotions are not necessarily reality. Emotions can cloud the big picture, and when teens succumb to their emotions, they may lose perspective on what is real. I often encourage teens to pay attention to their self-talk. What do they say to themselves about their feelings? Self-talk is very powerful, and most of us engage in more negative self-talk than positive self-talk. Teens are no exception. But I encourage teens to give themselves permission to have their feelings, to stay in the moment (stay present) and to “be” with their feelings, even the ones that are uncomfortable. Doing so requires teens to learn to be mindful and intentional in processing their feelings and also to learn how to self-soothe. I encourage teens to give themselves permission to have their feelings, to stay in the moment (stay present) and to “be” with their feelings, even the ones that are uncomfortable. Doing so requires teens to learn to be mindful and intentional in processing their feelings and also to learn how to self-soothe.

Teens are often faced with things that are beyond their control, and this can result in anxiety, which is based in fear. What cannot be controlled may produce fear. The ability to discern what can be controlled and what cannot be controlled is important, and teens may find it beneficial to learn how to discern and then let go of what cannot be controlled. Admittedly, this is much easier said than done!

I also advocate for teens to find appropriate ways to express their feelings, negative and positive. Feelings must be released somehow, and the key for teens is to find ways to express them using techniques that will not harm them or anyone else.

There are numerous appropriate techniques teens can use to express their feelings:

• Teens can write about their feelings.
• Teens can express their feelings through art.
• Music helps many teens both realize and express their feelings.
• Physical activity can be productive in helping teens release their feelings.
• Crying is very beneficial at times; teens should know it’s okay to cry.
• Talking and processing emotions with someone trusted can be helpful for both releasing feelings and gaining perspective.
• Sometimes teens need to take some pressure off of themselves and “just be.” This should be allowed and encouraged.
• The empty chair technique, which I discuss below, can be very cathartic.

The Empty Chair Technique

The empty chair technique, cathartic in releasing feelings and understanding internal conflict, comes from Gestalt theory. If a teen is experiencing emotional dysregulation about another person or a social situation, the teen puts this person or situation into an empty chair, metaphorically speaking. The teen sits in the chair and takes the role of the other person, saying what they imagine the other person would say. The teen then switches back to their own chair and says what they want to say (out loud) to the person(s) they would like to express their feelings to.

I encourage teens not to worry about what they are saying when they use this technique. If they need to yell, they can yell. They can express their raw emotions without worrying about retaliation. The objective of this exercise is to help the teen understand the internal dilemma they are experiencing about the other person or situation.

What Can Parents Do?

I believe that generally, parents do the best they can. Sometimes, parents need the opportunity to learn effective parenting skills to navigate the many challenges that come with adolescence. Some effective strategies parents can use to support their teens in learning better emotional management may include:

• Using non-judgmental language. It is easy to assume we, as parents, know the intent of the behavior teens display, but sometimes we don’t. It is important to separate the intent of the behavior from the effect of the behavior and to not assume the intent of the behavior is negative.
• Avoiding all-or-nothing thinking and accepting there is sometimes a gray area
• Facilitating independence by providing assistance
• Providing choices and limits
• Be willing to renegotiate and choose priorities
• Providing firmness and gentleness
• Displaying acceptance and hope
• Validating by paying attention, helping your teen clarify their thinking, normalizing your teen’s feelings or behaviors, and displaying empathy and acceptance. When appropriate, offer self-disclosure and vulnerability when your teen is vulnerable.

Finally, self-care is an important skill for both teens and parents to learn. What do they need to take care of themselves? Exercise? A long bath? Rest? Healthy food? What do they need from another person they can trust? A hug, words of encouragement, or a shoulder (all without judgment) can be very healing. Teens and parents must learn to allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to reach out when they need emotional support and to practice self-acceptance while still remaining open to change.

References:

1. The empty chair – Gestalt theory at work. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://plaza.ufl.edu/jerez64/paper2.html
2. Parrott’s classification of emotions chart. (2013, June 29). Retrieved from http://msaprilshowers.com/emotions/parrotts-classification-of-emotions-chart
3. What is DBT? (n.d.). The Linehan Institute. Retrieved from http://behavioraltech.org/resources/whatisdbt.cfm