Woman resting her head in her hands, exhaustedThe world is full of suffering. People committed to helping others—including those in helping professions such as mental health and medicine, activists, volunteers, and highly empathetic people—face nonstop exposure to a wide range of suffering. Compassion fatigue is a type of vicarious trauma that happens when a person is overwhelmed by the trauma and struggles of other people.

In its early stages, compassion fatigue may cause a person to be preoccupied by injustice and the desire to fix it. As compassion fatigue intensifies, however, it can lead to apathy and burnout. This can undermine a person’s relationships and connection to others. And for people in helping professions, compassion fatigue may prove professionally disastrous.

What Is Compassion Fatigue?

Compassion fatigue resembles burnout in that it may sap a person’s physical, emotional, and spiritual energy. Unlike burnout, however, it appears only in contexts where a person is providing extensive emotional support or emotional labor. In some cases, the symptoms of compassion fatigue resemble those of posttraumatic stress (PTSD).

Compassion fatigue resembles burnout in that it may sap a person’s physical, emotional, and spiritual energy.

Some other ways in which compassion fatigue differs from burnout include:

Who Gets Compassion Fatigue?

Anyone who spends significant time helping others or thinking about others’ suffering may develop compassion fatigue. Some especially vulnerable populations include:

Some research suggests that compassion fatigue is more prevalent when a person receives inadequate support for their work. A caregiver for a person with dementia may be more vulnerable to fatigue when other members of the family refuse to help or constantly criticize their caregiving.

Symptoms of Compassion Fatigue

The symptoms of compassion fatigue vary from person to person and may change with time. They include:

Strategies for Preventing Compassion Fatigue

Compassion fatigue is a common struggle, and it is not always preventable. It often comes on suddenly, even after a person has managed stress well for years. Certain prevention strategies, however, may reduce the risk and help a person better manage symptoms of compassion fatigue:

Treatment of Compassion Fatigue

Compassion fatigue is a response to chronic stress, not a mental health diagnosis. This means that treating compassion fatigue requires a person to get some relief from their stress. That might mean:

In some professions, it may not be possible to reduce the stress. For example, an emergency room doctor who treats abuse survivors may have little control over their workload, while a skilled death penalty attorney might be the only person in their region who can handle such complex cases. People in these situations may require extensive ongoing support, medication to manage anxiety and depression, and regular breaks from work.

No matter the cause of compassion fatigue, a therapist can help a person:

GoodTherapy can help you find a therapist who specializes in compassion fatigue. Begin your search here.

References:

  1. Compassion fatigue. (n.d.). The American Institute of Stress. Retrieved from https://www.stress.org/military/for-practitionersleaders/compassion-fatigue
  2. Compassion fatigue. (2017, August 23). American Bar Association. Retrieved from https://www.americanbar.org/groups/lawyer_assistance/resources/compassion_fatigue
  3. Gallagher, R. (2013). Compassion fatigue. Canadian Family Physician, 59(3), 265-268. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3596203
  4. Pfifferling, J., & Gilley, K. (2000). Overcoming compassion fatigue. Retrieved from https://www.aafp.org/fpm/2000/0400/p39.html

Two people sit at table in cafe, one upset, the other offering comfort and supportMany of us are aware of the importance of validating other people’s feelings. We know recognizing and acknowledging feelings helps others to feel understood, valued, cared about, and important. We can easily recognize how abusive, mean-spirited, or hostile interactions involve a failure to validate feelings and, sometimes, purposeful attempts to be hurtful.

But well-intended exchanges among well-meaning people can also miss the mark on validating feelings and can cause people to feel a lack of support. Even during conversations where we feel tremendous compassion and want to help, it can be all too easy to unknowingly or unintentionally minimize and invalidate what the other person is trying to convey, ultimately creating more conflict or strong feelings of frustration, hurt, anger, and rejection.

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In theory, acknowledging feelings is easy. Validating feelings doesn’t mean you accept or agree with the other person’s position; it simply means you acknowledge what they are saying. Yet, effectively acknowledging the emotions and experiences of others can at times be a challenge.

Let’s take the following simple example and explore seven ways failure to validate can occur. Imagine you didn’t get enough sleep last night and you feel utterly exhausted today. You complain to someone—your partner, parent, friend, or coworker—by saying, “I am so tired!” Consider how you might feel if any of the following reactions occurred:

1. Minimizing or Denying

“The day will be over soon enough!”

Many people are uncomfortable with feelings, especially negative ones. They don’t want to accept them, give them any power, or allow them to exist. People sometimes incorrectly believe that ignoring feelings will help them to diminish and ultimately disappear. However, this is rarely the case. Ignoring, minimizing, or denying feelings either causes them to amplify or results in other negative feelings, namely those of being hurt, isolated, or rejected.

2. Blaming or Scolding

“You shouldn’t have stayed up so late watching that movie!”

Sometimes people look for the reason behind negative feelings or difficult experiences. They assume pointing out the cause or giving a rationale may lessen the negative situation or, perhaps, prevent it from reoccurring. Attempting to teach a lesson has its place, but doing so without acknowledging present feelings typically closes off the person to hearing the message.

3. Lecturing

“You really need to get more sleep. Not getting enough sleep is bad for your immune system!”

Sometimes we unintentionally state our concern for others in a way that feels more like a lecture. Without first validating feelings or offering empathy, our message comes across as preachy and judgmental rather than well-intended, helpful, and supportive.

4. Unsolicited Advice

“You should start going to bed earlier. Try a relaxing bubble bath and stop looking at your iPad that late in the evening.”

People often want to be helpful, thus they jump to providing suggestions and advice. However useful the guidance may be, providing it too soon, prior to acknowledging feelings, can wind up feeling judgmental. It makes the messenger appear superior and can feel like there is an underlying implication of ignorance and incompetence.

5. Questioning

“Why were you up so late last night?”

While asking questions can be helpful to get more information about the situation, asking them without first acknowledging feelings can come across as critical, uncaring, and dismissive. Intentionally or otherwise, questions can imply blame, which may ultimately make the person feel resentful, misunderstood, and more inclined to shut down.

6. Shifting Focus

“I was up so late last night because …”

We often connect with others over shared experiences and we tell our own stories as a way to relate to one another. However, shifting the focus to your own experience before first validating the experience of the other person can make you seem self-absorbed and can create distance.

7. Comparing

“Oh, my gosh, I’m SO exhausted.”

When people want to be helpful, they are compelled to look for the solution, fix a problem, or remove any discomfort. But, delivered in the absence of validation, these approaches often backfire.

Similar to shifting the focus, we sometimes respond to somebody’s experience or emotions by sharing our own feelings. While the intent may be to connect over a common occurrence, such sharing can feel like a comparison that ultimately minimizes the person’s feelings and makes them feel ignored rather than understood.

I’m not saying any of these things are bad in and of themselves. They are all perfectly fine and useful approaches when delivered with appropriate timing and in appropriate circumstances. The problem lies in jumping to these things too soon without first acknowledging the feelings or empathizing with the situation. All of the above responses would likely be better received if they were prefaced by something to the effect of, “Being tired in the middle of the day is the worst!” Or, “I’m sorry you are so tired!” Offering validation prior to advice, motivation, wisdom, or sharing helps the subsequent message to come across as caring rather than dismissive.

When people want to be helpful, they are compelled to look for the solution, fix a problem, or remove any discomfort. But, delivered in the absence of validation, these approaches often backfire. It can be incredibly frustrating and unhelpful to feel talked at versus understood in the heat of the moment or when talking about personal emotions. Sharing feelings opens people up to being vulnerable. And when we feel vulnerable, we need validation, empathy, and understanding rather than tidbits of advice or storytelling.

Validating involves ensuring your first response is one of acknowledgment and empathy. Hearing “That really sucks!” or “That sounds so stressful!” is often more helpful than any of the lectures, questioning, or unsolicited advice that may follow. It may sound silly or like unnecessary fluff, but we are hardwired to need connection, and only in feeling heard do we truly feel connected, supported, and understood.

Person walking down sunny street looks at phone, holding coat over shoulder with one handWhen I was a child in the 1950s, my father talked about power, using the old fable about the relative power of the wind and the sun. In the story, Wind and Sun had a contest to see who was stronger by agreeing to see who could be the first to get the coat off a man walking down the street. Wind blew, and almost instantly the man’s hat flew off and rolled down the path.

Wind said, “Aha! See how strong I am.”

Sun replied, “Yes, I agree. You are swift and strong, and you have won so far. But our contest is about the coat.” Wind proceeded to blow, and the man wrapped his coat closer around himself. Wind blew more and more ferociously, but the man simply pulled his coat tighter and tighter.

Then it was Sun’s turn. Sun showered her warmth onto the man and he warmed up, relieved and happy with the day. He removed his coat and carried it over his arm.

The Ways of Power

As an adult, I study the ways of power. Power is simply the ability to have an effect or to have influence. To have an effect, there must be a relationship between you and someone or something else. Surprisingly, in conversations about power, relationship, the essential ingredient of power, is often overlooked. It is, in fact, the quality of a relationship that determines whether leaders will use their power for good or for ill. Take the story of Wind and Sun: Wind has a relationship that is immediately effective but that becomes more and more adversarial and less and less effective. Sun’s relationship is warm and collaborative. Sun’s power is effective and yet connected. [fat_widget_right]

Studies show the qualities, universally, that people look for in leaders are humility, fairness, trustworthiness, and an ability to mediate differences. However, the nature of elevated power (such as role power or rank power) is that it is like an addictive drug that alters one’s relationship with self and others. The spell of power can affect everyone in elevated power, no matter their intentions. The effect of elevated power is, strangely, that the qualities distinguishing good leadership are the very qualities that tend to erode when people are given increased power (Barstow, 317).

The gifts of power include greater access to resources, larger role identity, social distance, and the opportunity to act with limited interference. These gifts are important for the ability to carry out leadership responsibilities, but they also tend to decrease empathy, compassion, and the ability to see things from another’s point of view. At the same time, they also increase impetuousness and the tendency to prioritize one’s own needs (Barstow, 318, Diamond, 49).

What is lost, then, is the empathic connection to one’s own heart and to the hearts and needs of others. To counter the abuse of power, more connection, more self-awareness, more compassion, and more empathy are all necessary. Power with heart is the key to using power toward the well-being of all. So much harm is unconsciously caused by good people who under-use or over-use or deny the power they have from both role and rank. Whether out of naiveté or a lack of awareness and sensitivity, they often don’t understand the addictive and shadowy nature of power, and they may also lack knowledge of themselves and their triggers and habits of disconnection.

The gifts of power include greater access to resources, larger role identity, social distance, and the opportunity to act with limited interference. These gifts are important for the ability to carry out leadership responsibilities, but they also tend to decrease empathy, compassion, and the ability to see things from another’s point of view.

It’s essential for leaders to know the perils related to the gifts of power, and they need to find ways to keep their hearts open and engaged and to accurately hear feedback that would help them stay in healthy and truthful relationships. They need to balance their up-power roles with places in daily life where they have less power.

The Dominance Model of Power

Globally, the most common model for power is the dominance model. It is based on strategies for using power that are designed to dominate people. Another model, which I’ll call the socially responsible model, demonstrates how power is used to prevent and repair harm, to move situations forward toward the greater good, and to promote well-being and dignity (Barstow, 319).

Consider the following strategies used to gain and maintain power from the Dominance Model and notice where in your personal life, and in your sense of global awareness, you see these strategies being used. The guides are a translation of these dominating strategies into strategies of the Socially Responsible Model.

The Laws, from Robert Greene’s best-selling book, The 48 Laws of Power, represent the Dominance Model of Power

The Guides, from my book Right Use of Power: The Heart of Ethics, represent the Socially Responsible Model of Power and are arranged to correspond to and re-frame the Laws. [amazon_affiliate]

Laws and Guides:

Law 2: Never put too much trust in friends. Learn how to use enemies.

Guide 1: Trust and collaborate with your friends. Learn the strategies and interests of those opposed.

Law 3: Conceal your intentions.

Guide 2: Frame your intentions to be understood.

Law 4: Always say less than necessary.

Guide 3: Strive to say what is necessary. Earn trust.

Law 6: Court attention at all costs.

Guide 4: Court attention to values, good ideas, and worthy actions.

Law 7: Get others to do the work for you, but always take the credit.

Guide 5: Give credit where it is due.

Law 9: Win through your actions, never through argument.

Guide 6: Succeed through actions and philosophy.

Law 11: Learn to keep people dependent on you.

Guide 7: Be interdependent.

Law 12: Use selective honesty and generosity to disarm your victim.

Guide 8: Use honesty and generosity to build commitment and support.

Law 13: When asking for help, appeal to people’s self-interest, never to their mercy or gratitude.

Guide 9: Ask for help because you can put it to good use and because you represent a worthy cause.

Law 14: Pose as a friend, work as a spy.

Guide 10: Pose as a leader. Be a wise leader.

Dominance Model strategies are strong and deceptive. Like Wind blowing away the hat, they may appear to succeed, but the cost is too great and the harm is too grave. They remove the heart from power and from relationships. These strategies ultimately fail because they produce distrust, greed, selfishness, disrespect, exclusion, and exploitation.

Socially Responsible Model strategies, on the other hand, increase trust, fairness, loyalty, collaboration, inclusivity, and creativity. They rely on truth. They are relational. And they strengthen the relationship between heart and power.

What will you choose for yourself? The power of Wind or the power of Sun? If you find it difficult to make decisions regarding power and its use, consider speaking to a qualified and compassionate mental health professional.

References:

  1. Barstow, C. (2015). Right use of power: The heart of ethics. Boulder, CO: Many Realms Publishing.
  2. Diamond, J. (2016). Power: A user’s guide. Santa Fe, NM: Belly Song Press.
  3. Greene, R. (2002). The 48 laws of power, concise edition. London, England: Profile Books.

Two people sitting on park bench, one comforts other who has face in shoulder hidingHolding space for someone in emotional pain is a concept many people are not familiar with but have nonetheless felt it, on some level, at some point. Holding space, or creating a container, can be especially helpful when someone is in deep grief, struggling with unresolved trauma, or in the throes of depression. We’ve all had the opportunity to feel the clear and pure attention of unconditional positive regard or the emptiness of its absence in a time of profound need.

So, what does it mean to “hold space” for someone? If needed, how does a person actually do this? The answers to these questions are quite simple in theory but complex in practice.

At one time or another, someone in our lives will need a space held that is loving, nonjudgmental, and empathetic. When that time comes, the relationship you already have will provide a foundation for building this so-called “container” in which you hold space for the other person. If you accept the challenge, your desire to be of service to the other person will be the first building block for holding that sacred space.

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Here are the essential elements you must bring to hold space for someone:

1. Practice Loving-Kindness

Loving-kindness is a term rooted in Buddhist tradition, though it appears in other religious and secular traditions as well. It describes the reverent present-moment cultivation of compassion and love for another living being, the earth, or the self.

2. Use Deep Listening

When practicing deep listening, we listen not just to hear but to understand. This practice goes beyond any kind of hearing that can be done with the ears. It is listening with the heart.

3. Have Unconditional Positive Regard

Similar to loving-kindness, unconditional positive regard is the practice explained by Carl Rogers in which a person holds another with absolute regard. This is the foundation of all healing therapeutic relationships. This practice rests on the knowledge that no matter what the person has done or who the person is, the listener holds them with deep respect, compassion, and positive regard.

Sitting with what is means simply being with the person for whom you’re holding space.

4. Sit with What Is

This is arguably the most difficult of the essential elements for those in Western culture. Sitting with what is means simply being with the person for whom you’re holding space. Do not try to change anything, and resist the urge to do anything. You are only creating a safe space for the other person to express and feel their feelings. Sit with them in the hard stuff.

5. Allow

Allow the other person to feel whatever they are feeling. Hold them if they need you to when they cry.

6. Breathe

Remember to breathe. Checking in with your breath is an effective way to make sure you remain grounded. It will also help you stay connected to your own body, which is the most powerful tool you have in assessing your connection to the other person and to yourself.

7. Ground

If you become un-grounded while holding space for someone who needs it, they may find it difficult to trust the space and you. Whatever you do to ground yourself, solidify it when you’re holding space for others.

8. Be Present with Yourself

In order to do any of the things listed above, you must be able and willing to be present with and for yourself. If you’re unable to be present for yourself, you will be hard-pressed to be open and honestly present with another.

9. Don’t Usurp Their Pain

Holding space for someone in deep pain can bring up your own pain. Holding space for another requires that you have a clear intention that although you’re in the trenches with them, you are only holding their hand—you are not stealing their hardship and making it your own.

10. Practice Non-Judgment

This goes for yourself and the one for whom you’re holding the safe container: Do not judge.

11. Don’t Try to Fix It

Often, when someone is in pain, we try to fix it for them. While that might make us feel better, the other person may feel even more isolated in their pain. So above all, be there for and with the other person. Do not try to fix them or their feelings. They do not need fixing. The only way over their pain is through it.

Practicing these essential elements will help make sure you are holding a useful and kind space for the other person. We so rarely hold space for each other nowadays that the mere fact you are trying may absolve you of any unintentional mistakes you make.

If you find yourself in need of the pure and clear attention of unconditional positive regard and it’s not available in your support system, it may be time to consider finding a therapist.

References:

  1. Rogers, C. R. (1951). Client-centered therapy: Its current practice, implications, and theory. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co.
  2. Zeng Xianglong, Chiu Cleo, P. K., Wang Rong, Oei Tian, P. S., & Leung Freedom, Y. K. (2015). The effect of loving-kindness meditation on positive emotions: A meta-analytic review. Frontiers in Psychology, V6, pp. 16-93.
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