Step 1: Establish and Maintain Firm Boundaries in Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Establishing clear boundaries while co-parenting with a narcissist is crucial for emotional safety and stability.

A person with narcissistic traits often views boundaries as challenges to their control. Your ability to create and enforce clear boundaries becomes your most powerful protective tool.

Strong boundaries can protect you and your children when co-parenting with a narcissist.

Be Direct and Unemotional

When setting boundaries with a narcissistic co-parent, clarity and emotional neutrality are essential. State your boundary clearly and calmly: “I am not going to discuss this while you are yelling. I am hanging up now, and we can talk when you are calm.” Then, crucially, follow through immediately.

The follow-through matters more than the words. Narcissistic individuals test boundaries constantly, so consistency proves you mean what you say.

Don’t Explain or Justify

Avoid getting pulled into arguments or debates about your boundaries. Lengthy explanations provide manipulation opportunities. The boundary is non-negotiable, not because you’re being difficult, but because it protects your family’s emotional health.

When you justify boundaries, you’re implying they’re up for discussion. They’re not.

Remember Your “Why”

Adhering to boundaries with a narcissistic co-parent will be uncomfortable. You’ll likely face gaslighting, a manipulative tactic that the National Domestic Violence Hotline describes as making someone question their own reality, memory, or perceptions.

You may also encounter guilt trips, condescending behavior, or accusations of being “difficult” or “unreasonable.” Remind yourself regularly: you’re not doing this to punish them. You’re protecting your children and yourself from emotional manipulation and creating a healthier environment.

Step 2: Validate Your Children’s Reality

Co-parenting with a narcissist means being vigilant about your children’s emotional needs and offering them the validation they may not receive from their other parent.

Children of narcissistic parents often feel their feelings, thoughts, and very identity are invisible or “wrong.” Your role as the other parent is to be a consistent source of validation and unconditional love.

Children’s self-esteem is profoundly influenced by how their parents respond to them. When one parent is narcissistic, the other parent’s validation becomes even more critical.

Acknowledge Their Feelings

When your child expresses hurt or frustration about their interactions with the narcissistic parent, validate their emotions: “It makes sense that you feel upset about that” or “I see how hard you’re working, and I’m proud of you.”

Never dismiss their feelings, even when you’re trying to keep peace. Your validation teaches them to trust their emotional experiences, a crucial life skill that research from the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University shows is fundamental to building resilience.

Separate Their Worth from Their Performance

Narcissistic parents often tie a child’s value to their performance or how the child makes the parent look. Counter this damaging message consistently.

Remind your children that their worth is inherent and not dependent on grades, athletic achievement, appearance, or living up to someone else’s unrealistic expectations. Celebrate who they are, not just what they do.

Correct Unhealthy Messages

If your children have been told they’re “too sensitive,” “not good enough,” or that their emotions are problems, gently counter these messages.

Without directly criticizing the other parent (which can backfire), you might say: “It’s important to learn how to manage emotions well, and yelling is an example of not managing them well. You are not broken or ‘less than’ because you have feelings. Feelings are information, and learning to understand them is a strength.”

Step 3: Prioritize Your Own Healing and Growth

Your healing journey is crucial in the context of co-parenting with a narcissist, where emotional turmoil can affect everyone involved.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. To be a strong, resilient anchor for your children while co-parenting with a narcissist, you must invest in your own well-being. This isn’t selfish, it’s essential.

Focus on What You Can Control

You cannot control another person’s behavior, manipulations, or emotional outbursts. But you can absolutely control your response. This shift in focus is incredibly empowering and reduces the emotional toll of the co-parenting relationship.

The concept of the “locus of control”, whether you believe events are controlled by your own actions or external forces, significantly impacts mental health. Research published in Frontiers in Psychology demonstrates that an internal locus of control is associated with better psychological outcomes.

Build Your Own Self-Esteem

The most powerful defense against narcissistic manipulation is a strong sense of self. Engage in activities you love, set and achieve personal goals, and celebrate your victories, no matter how small.

When your self-worth comes from within rather than external validation, narcissistic tactics lose their power over you. Mental Health America offers excellent resources on self-care practices that support mental wellness.

The Secret to Understanding the Narcissist

Understanding that narcissistic behavior often stems from incredible insecurity can help you emotionally detach from their manipulation. This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it prevents you from internalizing their criticisms or taking their actions personally.

Your goal isn’t to force them to change, it’s to change your response and speak life into your children.

Step 4: Seek Professional Support for Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Seeking professional support tailored to co-parenting with a narcissist can make a significant difference in how well you manage interactions.

You don’t have to walk this challenging path alone. Navigating co-parenting with a narcissistic individual while protecting your children’s emotional health requires tools and perspective that professional support can provide.

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) provides a national helpline (1-800-662-4357) that offers free, confidential, 24/7 support and can connect you with local mental health resources.

A qualified therapist can help you:

• Develop effective communication strategies that minimize conflict
• Set and maintain healthy boundaries without guilt
• Process the emotional toll of the co-parenting relationship
• Recognize manipulation tactics and respond strategically
• Build resilience for yourself and your children
• Create a parenting plan that protects your children’s interests

Professional support also provides a safe space for your children to heal, process their experiences, and learn that their feelings are valid. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offers excellent resources on personality disorders and their impact on families.

Finding professionals who understand the intricacies of co-parenting with a narcissist will help you navigate this challenging relationship.

Legal and Practical Considerations

When co-parenting with a narcissist, documentation becomes essential. Keep detailed records of all communications, agreements, and concerning incidents. Many family law attorneys recommend using court-approved co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents, which create timestamped, unalterable records of all communications.

If safety concerns arise, the Office on Women’s Health provides resources for creating safety plans and understanding your legal options. Remember that emotional abuse is just as serious as physical abuse, and protective measures may be necessary.

Building an Unshakeable Foundation

You and your children deserve peace, emotional safety, and healing. The greatest defense against the negative effects of narcissism isn’t winning arguments or changing the other person, it’s building an unshakeable sense of self-worth for yourself and your children.

When co-parenting with a narcissist, remember:

• Your boundaries protect your family’s emotional space
• Your children need validation more than they need you to keep the peace at all costs
• Your healing directly impacts your children’s resilience
• Professional support isn’t a luxury, it’s a strategic investment in your family’s future

Every step you take toward establishing boundaries, validating your children, and prioritizing healing creates ripples of positive change. You’re not just surviving this co-parenting situation, you’re modeling strength, self-respect, and emotional intelligence for your children.

That’s a legacy worth fighting for.

Growing up, my family didn’t talk about painful experiences, we laughed loudly, cooked big meals, prayed hard, and kept secrets even harder. But silence has a cost, and when we don’t name what hurt us, we pass that unspoken weight to the next generation.

Understanding Intergenerational Trauma

It can stem from experiences like abuse or neglect, loss and grief, racism and systemic inequities, displacement or immigration stress, and substance use or mental health challenges.

Even when families don’t discuss these experiences, they show up in how we love, parent, communicate, and cope. For many families, silence isn’t denial, it’s survival. Older generations didn’t always have the language, access, or safety to process their pain, so they did the best they could.

Intergenerational trauma occurs when trauma symptoms are present within generations of the same family, beyond the generation of the person who experienced the original trauma. Research shows that trauma’s effects can be transmitted through both psychological and biological pathways, affecting children who never directly experienced the traumatic events themselves. Harvard Medical School research demonstrates that trauma affects not just individuals but entire communities, with effects that can persist across generations.

Why Breaking the Cycle Matters

What isn’t healed gets handed down, sometimes as unspoken expectations, sometimes as repeating patterns, and sometimes as behaviors we promised ourselves we’d never replicate. The good news is that cycles can be broken. Healing begins when we start telling the truth, to ourselves first, then to each other.

These conversations can be awkward, messy, and emotional, but they’re also the doorway to freedom, connection, and peace. When families address intergenerational trauma directly, they create opportunities for healing that can positively impact future generations.

5 Steps to Start Healing Conversations About Intergenerational Trauma

Step 1: Start With Yourself First

Before opening conversations about intergenerational trauma with family members, take time to reflect on your own story. Consider what patterns you want to understand or change, what behaviors you see repeating across generations, and what you need to feel safe having these discussions.

Therapy can be a powerful starting point, giving you tools to process your own emotions before inviting others into the conversation. Understanding your own trauma responses and triggers helps you approach family conversations from a place of strength rather than reactivity. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) emphasizes that trauma-informed approaches prioritize safety, collaboration, and empowerment; principles that apply to family healing as well.

Step 2: Choose the Right Moment

Timing matters when addressing intergenerational trauma. Avoid launching into deep conversations during high-stress situations or family celebrations. Instead, pick a time when emotions are calmer and privacy is possible.

You might start with: “I’ve been thinking a lot about our family’s history and how it shaped me. Can we talk about it sometime?” This approach invites dialogue instead of defensiveness and gives family members time to prepare mentally for the conversation.

Step 3: Lead With Curiosity, Not Blame

Approach conversations about intergenerational trauma with compassion rather than confrontation. Use “I” statements instead of accusations. For example: “I’ve noticed I struggle with anxiety, and I’m wondering if it connects to what we’ve been through” or “I want to understand our family better, not point fingers.”

This approach invites dialogue instead of defensiveness. Remember that previous generations often had fewer resources and different understandings of trauma and mental health. Leading with curiosity helps create a safe space for honest sharing.

Step 4: Set Boundaries Around Safety

Not every family member will be ready to discuss intergenerational trauma, and that’s okay. Protect your peace by limiting how long or deep the first conversation goes, stepping away if things become heated, and reminding yourself that you’re allowed to seek healing even if others aren’t ready.

Some family relationships may be too damaged or unsafe for these conversations. In cases involving ongoing abuse or dangerous dynamics, professional guidance is essential before attempting family discussions about trauma. Research from Cleveland Clinic shows that family therapy can effectively help families navigate complex dynamics and improve communication patterns.

Step 5: Bring in Professional Support

Some topics related to intergenerational trauma are too heavy to handle alone. Consider inviting a therapist, mediator, or faith leader to help facilitate difficult discussions. Professional support can make the process safer and more constructive.

Trained therapists understand how to navigate conversations about trauma sensitively while helping families develop healthier communication patterns. They can also help identify when individual therapy might be needed alongside family work. Johns Hopkins Medicine research demonstrates that evidence-based therapeutic approaches can significantly improve family functioning and emotional well-being.

The Healing Journey: What to Expect

For my family, the breakthrough came slowly. At first, there were awkward pauses, nervous laughter, and a lot of “I don’t remember that.” But over time, walls began to lower. We started sharing stories we’d never spoken out loud. We cried. We forgave. We agreed that the next generation deserves a different narrative, one rooted in truth, resilience, and connection.

Breaking cycles of intergenerational trauma isn’t about blaming the past, it’s about rewriting the future. The process involves reflecting on your story and where patterns show up, realigning boundaries and relationships with what supports your healing, and rising knowing you are creating space for the next generation to thrive.

Finding Professional Support for Intergenerational Trauma

Working through intergenerational trauma often requires professional guidance. Different therapeutic approaches can help families break cycles of trauma and develop healthier patterns of relating.

Recent meta-analyses published in the Journal of Family Therapy confirm that family-based interventions show strong effectiveness for addressing both childhood behavioral problems and improving overall family functioning.

When choosing a therapist, look for professionals who have specific training in trauma work and family systems. Cultural competency is also important, as trauma and healing can manifest differently across cultural contexts. Harvard’s Program in Refugee Trauma emphasizes that effective trauma treatment must consider cultural, historical, and social contexts for optimal healing outcomes.

FAQ: Common Questions About Intergenerational Trauma

QCan intergenerational trauma be healed without involving the whole family?

QWhat if my family refuses to talk about trauma?

QHow long does it take to heal intergenerational trauma?

QIs it normal to feel worse before feeling better?

Taking the First Step

You don’t have to navigate conversations about intergenerational trauma alone. Our therapist directory connects you with mental health professionals trained in intergenerational healing, family dynamics, and culturally responsive care.

Breaking cycles of trauma is one of the most powerful gifts you can give to future generations. It takes courage to face family patterns and begin these conversations, but the freedom that comes from healing is worth every difficult moment.

Ready to begin your healing journey? Search our directory of qualified therapists who specialize in intergenerational trauma and family healing to find the right professional support for your family’s unique needs.

by Paul Anderson, PhD, Psychologist, in Overland Park, KS

What Does a Well-Functioning American Family Look Like? The 5 Essential Ingredients of Optimal Family Life in a Culturally Diverse Society

Children must be shown and taught what is or is not acceptable in society. We are not born speaking a certain language, eating a certain diet, or interacting with family members in what are thought to be appropriate ways. Humans learn from their elders how to behave and conform to accepted cultural norms. Most of what we learn to do as civilized, law-abiding citizens comes from the modeling we see more than from direct instruction.

However, a person’s family life is configured by circumstances, ethnicity, and other conditions, and the parent figure(s) attempts to have a family that can produce and foster a viable next generation. Short story: parents want their children to grow up to be practical, adaptive, and able to sustain themselves as adults. The degree to which these outcomes occur for the kids is affected by the quality of the emotional and relationship environment kids grow up in.

5 Essential Ingredients for Cultivating Optimal Family Life

Here are the five foundational bones of well-functioning family life. More substance and elaboration can certainly be added, but an understanding of these basic traits will get you headed in the right direction.

1. Parents and adult role models demonstrate how to handle conflict, tolerate diversity and disagreement. Mutual respect of each family member prevents emotional abuse.

• Adults in the family understand and use rules of Fair Fighting.
• Clear, direct non-blaming communications are valued and used regularly. Active listening skills are taught to children. Skills sets for healthy expression of emotion are encouraged.
• Family members value understanding each other and reciprocal validation more than agreement and pushing for everybody to be on the same page.

2. Clear interpersonal boundaries are maintained in the family and outside the family in relationship to the larger communities such as neighborhood, state, and nation.

• A well-functioning or useful boundary clearly defines who is best suited to do what, with whom, when, where, and how. The family understands who the parents/adults are and who the children are and what’s expected of each in relation to other family members.
• Clear boundaries are maintained between the family and others defined as outside the family. The leaders in each family establish boundaries with short- and long-term consequences in mind. Boundaries may change over time to meet family and community needs or values as they change.
• Useful boundaries clarify responsibilities, obligations, and privileges. For example, family members in the role of adult or parent are responsible to raise the kids, pay the bills, and provide protection, not the children. The children are expected to play, go to school, and learn how to be socialized, productive adults. It is not their job to solve adult relationship issues.Kids play, compete, and cooperate more with their siblings than with their parents. Family members in the role of children are expected to obey family adults and house rules.Given mutual consent, parents have the prerogative to sexualize their relationship with each other as desired and may reproduce. Single parents meet their adult needs with other adults outside the family, not with children.

  At the same time, adults and parents in the family have the right/duty to make final decisions about family life. Families are not democracies.

3. Relationships in the family are valued, cultivated, and maintained with regular attention.

• Parents go on dates. Also, on a regular basis, each adult deliberately structures time with each child and cultivates one-on-one interactions.
• Siblings may squabble, but they need to have each other’s backs outside the family (say, at school).
• The family as a group does vacations and other family activities, building a deep and rich family life history and vault of cherished memories they can draw on when times are rough.

4. Children learn that, regardless of what goes on in their parent’s marriage (including divorce or separation), they can count on these four guaranteed facts:

• They are loved for who they are and are not expected to become clones or allies of either parent.
• While growing up, all their needs will be provided for by their parents, including provisioning, protection, and encouragement to pursue their unique destiny.
• Each parent has a relationship with each child that is unencumbered by the other parent in any way. Children are guaranteed minimal triangulation between their parents and are not used as go-betweens.
• Whatever happens in their parent’s marriage affects them to one degree or the other, but the marriage is none of their business: they did not cause it, they cannot control it, and they cannot change it. Proper boundaries dictate the marriage to be off-limits in all ways to the offspring of that marriage. Children don’t take sides with either parent or play the role of a substitute parental partner.

5. If or when relationships in the family are wounded or damaged, the parents/adults can demonstrate how to repair the damage.

• Children learn from what they see that it’s okay to seek emotional and mental health help, say “I’m sorry,” and deal with problems head on rather than with avoidance or denial. Parents model conflict resolution skills.
• Family members avoid blaming, judging, and criticizing each other for problems and troubles. Instead, they look at the part they play in the drama and work to improve that, rather than trying to point out each other’s faults and change them.
• Family members value and seek to enable growth, progress, and maturity in themselves and each other, not perfection.

6. Bonus Tip: What to Do When Your Family Is in a Hot-Mess Moment:

1. Parents/adults find healthy ways to get calm and stay calmer than the children.
2. As soon as possible, it is the parent/adult’s responsibility to call a family meeting. Everyone in the family must attend; no one is to be left out.
3. Openly, directly, and without blaming anyone, the crisis is discussed. Each family member is then asked to identify at least one appropriate thing they can do to restore calm and regular functioning to the family. The family leader(s) may find it useful to review the proper and useful roles and boundaries that apply to each family member.
4. Encourage members to remember and thank each person for the good they contribute to making the family a safe and supportive place to live.
5. Necessary solutions to identified problems are discussed. Family leaders use their wisdom and maturity to select the best solution(s) to problems at hand.
6. A follow-up family meeting may be scheduled to review and evaluate progress and make needed adjustments to solutions.

Aiming for Health in Your Family Life

To be sure, the above portrait of a well-functioning family errs on the side of idealism. However, with effort and persistence, movement towards these traits can happen. Give it your best shot and don’t give up. Conscious and mindful practice is required to gain and maintain clear, effective patterns of family interaction.

A family is an organic entity, living, breathing, and either growing or dying. It must be tended to, fed, protected, and nourished to be kept alive.

It never hurts to ask for a coach when learning new skills and procedures. You may wish to contact Paul W Anderson, PhD, or search for a family therapist near you for help and guidance.

by Mary Romm, Licensed Professional Counselor in Gloucester, VA

The Scoop on Parent-Child Interaction Therapy

Are these some of the thoughts inside your head?

“My child is out of control.”

“I don’t enjoy spending time with my kid anymore.”

“My kid hits/bites/kicks me.” 

“Another daycare kicked my child out today.”

Are you ready for help? 

Who PCIT Can Help

As a therapist, I’ve utilized Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) to help children ages 2-7 who have extreme behavioral challenges and seen them learn to listen and behave. I’ve used PCIT in my work with kids who had to wear a monitoring bracelet because they ran away so much, broke mirrors in a rage, and used the shards to carve up furniture, or parents were ready to commit them. Those same kids then listened to their parents, no longer engaged in extreme attention-seeking behaviors, and were able to calm down when they were upset and even talk about their feelings. I’ve seen it work with less intense cases, too, but those aren’t as fun to write about. PCIT works. 

PCIT can treat most concerns related to children’s behavior. This includes ADHD, anxiety disorder, autism spectrum disorder, oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), selective mutism, trauma-exposed children, and more.

So What Is PCIT?

Parent-Child Interaction Therapy is an evidence-based approach that has 50 years of research behind it. Research shows it keeps children out of therapy for up to seven years, when they hit adolescence and their brain begins to rewire. Lots of the skills you will learn in PCIT will always be relevant — many of them are as good with 6-year-old kids as they are with teens or even adults. PCIT is not a therapy where another adult takes your child and works with them for an hour before bringing them back to you, and you don’t know what they did in that hour. As a therapist, I love working with this age range because I know early intervention is key. (Also, angry 5-year-olds throwing chairs aren’t nearly as scary as angry 14- or 15-year-olds.)

How Does PCIT Work?

There are two phases to PCIT. The first phase is called Child-Directed Interaction, or CDI. I like to picture CDI as laying the stable foundation of a house. CDI teaches you the skills that play therapists use. It helps you begin to enjoy playing with your child again and learn how to manage their behavior with positive attention alone. In this first phase, you’ll already see a huge reduction in behavior issues due to the child receiving quality, purposeful time with the adult and the adult learning many new tactics to manage that child’s behavior without yelling or accidentally reinforcing the behavior. This is foundational work.

The second phase is called Parent-Directed Interaction, or PDI. PDI is where you get specific discipline skills to help you control your child’s behavior. Now that the relationship foundation is completely stable and your skills are memorized, we can move into learning how to consistently and effectively discipline your child.

Throughout PCIT, you’ll track the reduction in your child’s problematic behavior on a form called an Eyberg Child Behavior Inventory, or ECBI. As a parent, you get to rate your child’s behaviors and see how those behaviors change as treatment goes on.

Is PCIT Forever?

Great news! You will graduate from PCIT in as little as 3-6 months if you do the homework and work hard in sessions. PCIT is not a vague therapy where things end when it feels right; there are specific guidelines and instructions on how to graduate from therapy, all of which are parent-driven. 

How Does PCIT Compare to Other Therapies?

Ideally, because PCIT builds that strong foundation in the Child-Directed Interaction phase, it should be done before any other therapy, even before trauma therapy. Trauma therapy does include several PCIT elements; thus, it is done after PCIT. PCIT should especially be done before talk therapy, as PCIT has the research base behind it. Once kids feel safe and secure in their relationship with their parents, and once parents know how to consistently handle their child’s behaviors, then other therapies can be attempted. However, they usually are not needed at that point. 

Is PCIT Covered by Insurance?

Yes, as long as your insurance has mental health care coverage and your therapist accepts insurance or is able to be an out-of-network provider, PCIT should be covered.

 To learn more about PCIT, please visit this PCIT info page and PCIT International’s page for parents.

 If you live in Virginia and want to start online PCIT for your child, please visit check out Mary’s practice, Willow Tree Healing Center.  You can find more therapists who use PCIT by searching for therapists in your area and filtering your results by Type of Therapy > Parent-Child Interaction Therapy. 

Enmeshment, a family dynamic that can be described as blurred boundaries between members, can make it difficult or impossible for a child to develop an individual sense of self because they are overly concerned about others. Family therapist Salvadore Minuchin brought this concept to light in the 1970s, and the topic has become common in psychological discussion of late. But what exactly constitutes enmeshment? How does it develop? And how can it be addressed?

Recognizing Enmeshment

Typically the roots of enmeshment can be traced back to parents who over-identify with a child, a dynamic often passed down through generations. Within this dynamic, boundaries are blurred—and may even be viewed as undesirable—and the parent may regard the child as an extension of the parent, rather than their own person, and treat them accordingly.

As a result, children of enmeshed family systems often develop emotional ties that elicit confusion, and they may fail to develop autonomy. An underdeveloped sense of autonomy may make it difficult for the child to act on desires that differ from the parent’s or lead a child to feel guilty when attempting to act on their own feelings. The enmeshed parent may also take it personally when a child attempts to demonstrate autonomy or independence, which can have a harmful impact on the child and the family dynamic overall. [fat_widget_right]

Enmeshment between a parent and child makes it difficult for the emotions of the child to be separated from the emotions of the parent. It can be said, then, that a child may take on emotional pain the parent carries from enmeshment in their own family of origin. This is not uncommon and is often done unconsciously—a child does not realize they are taking on the parent’s emotional pain or that it is not theirs to carry.

Another way of looking at it is to think in terms of “absorbing” the emotional pain of the parent. A parent who is projecting emotional pain is likely not consciously aware they are doing it but simply repeating the cycle that played out in their childhood.

Avoiding Enmeshment

To avoid becoming enmeshed with their children, parents must have their own sense of purpose in life, their own hobbies and passions separate from their children. A parent’s self-worth cannot rely a child’s behavior or accomplishments.

To avoid becoming enmeshed with their children, parents must have their own sense of purpose in life, their own hobbies and passions separate from their children. A parent’s self-worth cannot rely a child’s behavior or accomplishments. When one’s self-worth is defined by the actions or choices of one’s child, the pressure on the child to perform, to fulfill expectations, becomes heavy and burdensome. A parent’s self-worth is not the child’s responsibility, and children who take on this charge, consciously or unconsciously, often fail to develop self-esteem and/or a sense of personal identity.

Children generally rely on their parents for support. But before a child can expect to receive this support, they generally need to know the parent is emotionally strong and that the parent will support the child as they are, not only as who the parent wants them to be. When a child is secure in this knowledge, they will typically feel free to be themselves and to follow their own passions without feeling responsible for a parent’s emotional pain or disappointment.

In families affected by enmeshment, children may avoid seeking help when they experience difficulty or dilemma in life, fearing that the parent will impose their own agenda rather than offer guidance and support. When parents model good self-care habits, appropriate boundaries, and regulated emotions, on the other hand, children are more likely to desire to spend time with them, as opposed to when a child simply feels obligated to take care of their parent or manage their parent’s emotions. (Experiencing difficulty with dysregulated emotions? A therapist can help.)

Addressing Enmeshment

What can parents do to address enmeshment? Seek the help of a qualified family therapist or counselor if you recognize any of the following signs in your parent-child dynamic:

• Your child is your sole purpose in life.
• You take care of your children at the expense of taking care of yourself.
• Your self-worth is defined by your child’s behavior, accomplishments, or lack of accomplishments.
• Your child is the barometer for your happiness.
• Boundaries between you and your child are blurred or frequently crossed. For example, you find it necessary to know everything about your child’s daily life, such as what they say or do when not in your company.

What can an older child or adult child do to remedy the impact of an enmeshed relationship with a parent?

• Seek professional help from a family therapist who works from a family systems model, once the dynamic of enmeshment is recognized.
• Practice taking responsibility only for individual feelings instead of taking responsibility for the feelings of others.
• Further, practice taking responsibility for individual feelings instead of expecting others to do so.
• Those who recognize the dynamic of enmeshment being repeated in their relationships can work with a therapist who uses a family systems model and take steps to address this pattern and break the cycle.

Children in enmeshed families may view the parent-child relationship as an obligation or burden and, when they reach adulthood, seek out relationships that perpetuate this dynamic. Parents who take responsibility for their own self-worth and emotional pain, however, are likely to have healthier relationships with their children, where the children make the choice to be involved in their parents’ lives and are able to establish their own healthy, independent relationships.

Reference: 

1. Heru, A. M. (2015). Families in psychiatry: Unpacking enmeshment issues. Clinical Psychiatry News, 43(5). Retrieved from https://www.questia.com/magazine/1G1-417736319/families-in-psychiatry-unpacking-enmeshment-issues
2. Lewis, C. (2013, July 8). The enmeshed family: What it is and how to “unmesh.” Retrieved from http://www.mariadroste.org/2013/07/the-enmeshed-family-what-it-is-and-how-to-unmesh

I hear your love and concern for your sister. There is nothing more painful than watching someone you love make choices you believe are harmful. Unfortunately, they are her choices. You will not get anywhere with your sister if you lecture her about the choices she is making. Letting her know (directly or indirectly) you think her boyfriend is a “loser” will most likely only serve to distance her from you and strengthen her bond to him. It also makes it less likely she would confide in you if she did have misgivings about her relationship or her choices; nobody wants to hear “I told you so” from anyone, particularly family.

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At 19, your sister is technically an adult. You characterize her behavior as stubborn. That feeling may be contributing to a dynamic that makes her believe you and your parents don’t respect her, don’t see her as a capable adult, and don’t understand her needs. Given that dynamic, of course she isn’t going to listen to you. She may insist on sticking to her (destructive) choices just to prove her independence. As long as you continue to approach her with opposition, little is likely to improve. Also, even if you were successful in “getting rid” of the boyfriend, that is no guarantee her life choices would improve.

May I suggest you reach out to her from a different place? Listen to her. Find out from her what works for her in her relationship. What draws her to her boyfriend?

May I suggest you reach out to her from a different place? Listen to her. Find out from her what works for her in her relationship. What draws her to her boyfriend? Let her know you aren’t trying to “meddle”; you are just trying to understand her choices. Lead from a place of love and compassion, not judgment and fear. You can also ask her if she’d be willing to engage in family therapy with you and your parents to see about changing your family dynamic, independent of the boyfriend.

The drug use is absolutely a concern. Not only are there potential physical, financial, and legal ramifications for what she is doing, but emotionally, it is likely distancing her more from you and your parents and connecting her more to her boyfriend as well as impacting her ability to make effective choices. Working with a family therapist and an addiction specialist (with or without your sister) can help you identify some effective intervention strategies. Attending a Nar-Anon meeting could also shed some light (again, with or without your sister).

Best of luck,
Erika

As a family therapist, I have helped families work with benign issues, such as a teens refusing to clean their rooms, as well as extreme ones, such as revelations of sexual abuse. One of the more frequent issues brought to my attention is a parent’s lack of ability to “control” a child and the consequent use of spanking to garner this control.

Spanking as a Matter of Culture

Having been forced to respond to this issue time and again, I have done a lot of research and thought a lot about it. Aside from the obvious ethical issue—namely my role as a mandated reporter—I have had to struggle with a practice steeped in the history of American culture. Corporal punishment, or the deliberate infliction of physical pain, has been part of our culture since our early days as a nation, even being used today in some school systems in America (19 states allow it).

[fat_widget_right]Does spanking work? Should we all be hitting our kids to develop a society of rule followers who respect authority? Well, think about it: Does being afraid of authority necessarily mean you respect it?

Fear vs. Respect

What I have seen throughout my time as a therapist is that fear doesn’t usually tend to lead to respect. In my work, often one or both parents believe they were kept in line as a child only through beating. When we examine this more closely, the parents openly recognize corporal punishment did not always promote adherence to the rules when they were kids; they simply became better at not being caught breaking the rules.

In my experience, corporal punishment (or spanking, whooping, hitting, beating, etc.) often promotes more aggressive behavior in the child at home and in school. The child who is punished with spanking is often left with few skills to cope when difficult situations and emotions arise, and they tend to repeat the modeled behavior of the parent by turning to physical aggression to solve problems.

An article in Monitor on Psychology, a publication of the American Psychological Association, examined spanking research conducted over the years. Several recent peer-reviewed studies indicate children who had been disciplined with corporal punishment were more likely to exhibit aggressive behavior toward friends and siblings. One study, published in 2011 in the journal Child Abuse and Neglect, looked at 100 families with children ages 3 to 7 and found in households where children were spanked, the kids were more likely to use violence to resolve conflicts with their siblings and friends. The article in Monitor also shared evidence that physical punishment may increase the risk for mental health issues for kids, including anxiety and depression.

Perhaps the worst consequence I have seen from physically aggressive punishment is the damage it does to the parent-child relationship. Many children and teens I have worked with who have been parented with corporal punishment often express a desire to “grow up and get out.” These kids want to escape the relationship because they see the punishment as abuse.

How Can We Parent Our Kids Without Spanking?

The use of rewards and consequences can be one of the best ways to gain respect and control over children and teens’ behavior. Many caregivers try this and fail. In many cases, one parent didn’t maintain the rewards or consequences, or a partner undermined efforts. I often see parents who haven’t completely committed to the use of rewards and consequences, and instead of working on becoming more consistent, blame is put on the child.

To effectively administer a plan to discipline and encourage your children, there are a few steps to follow:

1. Make two separate lists: one of behaviors you want to promote and one of behaviors you want to work on decreasing. Examples of behaviors to increase include taking out the trash, cleaning the bedroom, and completing homework. Behaviors to decrease could include being impolite, hitting, and fighting. Each child is different, and a plan has to be tailored to the needs of your family.
2. Think about appropriate rewards and consequences for each behavior. Parents can come up with many rewards that don’t cost a thing and may improve relationships in the family. Examples of rewards are: playing a game with your child, taking your child to the park, and/or letting your child spend time with friends. Consequences can include taking away privileges (use of video games, phone, etc.) and grounding or time-out, depending on the age of your child.
3. Share the plan with your child. Children must be aware of the possible consequences and rewards in order to give them the chance to make the appropriate choices. Parents can use this plan as a tool by reminding the child of the consequences of their choices before they make them.

If your child is not used to facing consequences, they will likely resist, and it may require some effort on your part to remain firm and maintain the consequence. Persevering through the first month or so will be necessary to see positive, long-term results in your parenting style and your relationship with your child.

Perhaps the worst consequence I have seen from physically aggressive punishment is the damage it does to the parent-child relationship. Many children and teens I have worked with who have been parented with corporal punishment often express a desire to “grow up and get out.”Some factors make maintaining a plan for rewards and consequences difficult. Guilt is probably the No. 1 reason I hear for a parent not being able to us this system to improve a child’s behavior. Lack of support is the second most common, and when there is support, often spouses and co-caregivers can’t agree on how to parent, and thus “splitting” occurs. In this scenario, the child gets away with whatever they want, and the parents end up angry at each other. For these three reasons, among others, many parents struggle with creating and maintaining boundaries and expectations for their kids.

A careful mix of executive authority and a nurturing stance is needed to earn respect from your kids. If you are struggling to implement such a plan, don’t resort to hitting. Working with a therapist can help you cope with feelings of guilt and can also help you and your spouse or co-caregiver work as a team and eliminate splitting. As this article suggests, you are not alone, and seeking help from a therapist in no way means you are a failure, but instead represents that you are a proactive parent.

References:

1. Rochman, B. (2012, July 02). Hitting your kids increases their risk of mental illness. Time. Retrieved from http://healthland.time.com/2012/07/02/physical-punishment-increases-your-kids-risk-of-mental-illness
2. Smith, B.L. (2012, April). The case against spanking. Monitor on Psychology. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking.aspx
3. Strauss, V. (2014, September 18). 19 states still allow corporal punishment in school. The Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/wp/2014/09/18/19-states-still-allow-corporal-punishment-in-school/

The key to tasty pizza is for each part—the crust, the sauce, the cheese, and the toppings—to be unique and distinct, but to blend into a well-balanced and delicious whole. Live life as though you and your family were a delicious pizza. This is the goal of family systems theory, though it’s probably not quite how founder Murray Bowen would phrase it.

Bowen was likely too academic to associate his work with a pizza, but it really helps explain his concept of good relationships. He used the term self-differentiation and taught that families and other groups function best when we are connected and in good relationships with other people. But at the same time, we are able to form our own opinions, feel emotions that are different from those around us, and choose our own responses to situations rather than simply following expectations.

Simply put, this means that if you are the crust on the metaphoric pizza of your family, your role is to be a sturdy foundation for the rest of the pizza. Regardless of the specific ingredients, you hold the rest of the pie together. If you are spread unevenly or have a big hole in the center, this will make it hard for the sauce and cheese to stay on top and not stick to the pan.

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Here’s a real-life example of a family or workplace picnic that gives a variety of possible responses to one tricky situation. Each response results in a different balance between holding onto your own integrity and responding to the needs and expectations of others. Each possible response corresponds to a “relationship pizza quality score” rated from zero to five, with zero showing no self-differentiation and five indicating a high level of self-differentiation.

This scene takes place at either a picnic with extended family, a workplace outing, or a gathering of friends.

You arrive at the gathering and greet everyone. One particular family member or friend leads you toward the food table and piles a rich and savory dish onto a plate. They hand the plate to you and says, “You are going to love this!”

You look at the food and realize that you can’t eat it because you are on a new diet and this is not the kind of food you can eat right now.

Response One

You reluctantly take the plate and eat it without saying anything. You feel guilty and bad about yourself, but you don’t want to offend the other person.

Pizza Quality Score: 0

If you were the crust on this metaphoric pizza, you have holes in your dough. This represents a poorly differentiated response because you are letting go of your values and your needs and focusing only on the other person.

Response Two

You say, “No, thank you. It looks really good, but I’m on a new diet.” The other person responds by saying, “You are always on a diet. One taste won’t hurt you. I worked really hard cooking this.” This time you respond, “Oh, OK. Just one bite.”

Pizza Quality Score: 2

You start out with a response that defines yourself and sets your personal limits, but when the other person rejects that response and pressures you to eat, you let go of your own values and allow the other person to define you. If you were the sauce on this metaphoric pizza, you would be oozing off the edge of the crust.

Response Three

This time, when the other person complains about your diet and pressures you to eat a bite, you respond differently. You say, “No, I’m not going to eat that. That is just the way it is, so get over yourself.”

Pizza Quality Score: 3

Frequently, when one person changes their usual behavior, other people resist. Self-differentiation often takes hard work, but it can have life-changing benefits.You have taken a stand, but you are doing it by pushing the other person away and not showing any respect for their feelings.

Good self-differentiation involves both standing up for yourself and your values while simultaneously remaining connected to others. If you were the sauce on our metaphoric pizza, you have added a large amount of a spice that clashes with the cheese and the crust. The result is unappetizing, but edible. Let’s try again.

Response Four

The other person says the same thing, but you take a different approach. This time, you say, “I really appreciate all the work you put into that dish; it shows how much you care about me. I am sorry, though, I’m really not going to be able to eat any today. I need to stick to my diet.”

Pizza Quality Score: 4

You have held onto your values while also staying positive and appreciative of the other person.

Response Five

You can perfect your differentiated response by adding something to encourage a connection with the person in a way that doesn’t compromise your integrity. For example, after using something similar to response four, you could add: “How about if we take a walk together?” or, “I want to tell you a funny story about this new diet.”

Pizza Quality Score: 5

This response shows excellent self-differentiation because you are holding onto yourself and your values while fostering a relationship with the other person.

Finally, good self-differentiation does NOT depend on the other person’s response. Reaching out to foster connection is a self-differentiated move even if the other person responds by turning away. Frequently, when one person changes their usual behavior, other people resist.

Self-differentiation often takes hard work, but it can have life-changing benefits.

Humanistic in nature and concerned with the existential qualities of human relationships, Virginia Satir was considered a founder and leading catalyst in the evolution of experiential family therapies.

Satir’s method revolved around two core elements—family life chronology, in which she sought to understand the developmental patterns of relationships in the family as a basis for change; and family reconstruction, in which she attempted to guide families through a process of engaging positive change using experiential interventions from guided fantasy, guided contemplation, hypnosis, psychodrama, family sculpting, parts parties, and role playing (Gross, 1994; Satir, 1988; Winter and Parker, 1991).

One of Satir’s chief concerns was communication within families. Satir (1988) went as far as to write, “Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships she or he makes with others and what happens to each in the world.”

Satir developed within her model five conceptual styles of communication: placating, blaming, computing, distracting, and congruent communication. In Satir’s conception, placaters act as pleasers and are often self-effacing, blamers act self-righteously and often accuse, computers are emotionally detached and often rigidly intellectual, distracters are unfocused and seemingly unable to relate to what is actually being communicated about or going on in the family, and congruent communicators are expressive, responsible, seem genuine, and articulate themselves clearly and in the appropriate context.

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Satir utilized experiential techniques that allowed families to explore, acknowledge, and modify their own communication patterns in-session. Role plays, family sculpting, and guided contemplation were three prevalent forms of experiential communication therapy used by Satir in her work with families.

In observing a family, Satir centered her focus on family interconnectedness, especially triad units, the relationship emotional system between three members of a family. The mother-father-child triad frequently held the center of her attention, as she believed that it is most powerfully in the crucible of this triadic relationship that children begin to learn about and practice intimacy (Baldwin, 1991).

Satir held four assumptions: (1) All people await the potential of growth and are capable of transformation; (2) people carry all the resources they need for positive growth and development; (3) families are systems wherein everyone and everything impacts and is impacted by everyone and everything else; and (4) the beliefs of counselors are more important than their techniques (Satir and Baldwin, 1983).

Satir was concerned with family members’ uniqueness and potentials, and she was always concerned with their spiritual development as well. Satir (1988) wrote, “I believe [spirituality] is our connection to the universe and is basic to our experience, and therefore is essential to our therapeutic context.”

She challenged behavioral and cybernetic epistemologies, criticizing that, in the effort to change behavior, people’s spirits are often crushed, “crippling the body and dulling the mind.” She saw error in equating the value of a person with the nature of his or her behavior. “Remembering that behavior is something we learn,” she wrote, “… we can simultaneously honor the spirit and foster more positive behavior.”

Satir viewed poor communication as a perpetuator of unhealthy relationships, and she championed more open and congruent communication between and within individuals as a key to increasing awareness, compassion, and connection in families and society (Satir, 1983).

Satir (1986) stated, “[People] use their past to contaminate their present, which in turn creates a future that replicates their past, a stuck place, and often a hopeless quagmire” (changed from past to present tense). She added, “It is the learnings from the past that form the approach to the present. To change the perception and the experience of the present so it can become a steppingstone to a healthier future, I need to somehow introduce ways to stimulate new learnings to take place.”

Satir, unlike her contemporary Carl Whitaker, for instance, was concerned with directly identifying and addressing symptoms. Satir held that symptoms of individuals in families express family pain and that children’s symptoms are related to marital difficulties in which they become triangulated (Luepnitz, 2002).

For Satir, the goal of therapy was essentially to increase self-worth and nurturance within families.

Deborah Luepnitz (2002), a prominent feminist voice in the field, criticized Satir’s theoretical simplicity:

Satir’s fallacy is the fallacy of believing that one can change the world by appealing to principles of therapeutic change alone, ignoring the global political changes that must be understood and grappled with. Satir said in our 1984 interview: “If tomorrow morning, every school, every family, every workplace had a transformation in the middle of the night to love and value themselves and treat others likewise, you know we would transform like that!” [snapping her fingers]. This is hardly a theory of social renewal. It cannot help us understand the extraordinarily complex problems of development in the Third World nations, nor the dismantling of weapon systems, nor the bitter mystery of AIDS. There are reasons that people do not decide in the middle of the night—or by the light of day—to love and work as well as they might … Satir, however, has no theory that will help explain violence or the evil that has broken individuals and entire peoples on the wheel of history. Low self-esteem simply cannot account for the eradication of entire nations.

Luepnitz reasoned that Satir’s concept of “self-esteem” is nothing more than a derivation from ego psychology or else just a crude and imprecise conceptual oversimplification.

Satir’s lack of theoretical clarity and precision cost her equal respect alongside other major family therapy pioneers. Alan Gurman and David Kniskern (1981) chose not to represent Satir’s work in their Handbook of Family Therapy because “no discernible school or therapeutic method has evolved from her contribution.”

Nonetheless, many important family therapy trailblazers who have followed after extol Satir’s inspirational genius. Another distinguished family therapy authority, Lynn Hoffman (1981), attested to “the power of her presence with families” and her “extraordinary and unique contribution” to the field.

References:

1. Baldwin, M. (1991). The triadic concept in the work of Virginia Satir. In B.J. Brothers (Ed.), Virginia Satir: Foundational ideas. Binghamton, NY: Haworth.
2. Gross, S. J. (1994). The process of change: Variations on a theme by Virginia Satir. Journal of Humanistic Psychology, 34 (3), 87-110.
3. Gurman, A., and Kniskern, D. (Eds.) (1981). Handbook of family therapy. New York: Brunner/Mazel.
4. Hoffman, L. (1981). Foundations of family therapy. New York: Basic Books.
5. Luepnitz, D. A. (2002). The family interpreted: Psychoanalysis, feminism, and family therapy. United States: Basic Books.
6. Satir, V. (1983). Conjoint family therapy (3^rd ). Palo Alto: Science and Behavior Books.
7. Satir, V. (1986). Foreword. In W. F. Nerin, Family reconstruction: Long days journey into light (pp. v-xii). New York: W.W. Norton & Company.
8. Satir, V. (1988). The new peoplemaking. Mountain View: Science and Behavior Books.
9. Satir, V., and Baldwin, M. (1983). Satir step by step: A guide to creating change in families. Palo Alto: Science and Behavior Books.
10. Winter, J. E., and Parker, L. R. E. (1991). Enhancing the marital relationship: Virginia Satir’s parts party. In B. J. Brothers (Ed.), Virginia Satir: Foundational ideas. Binghamton, NY: Haworth.