by Paul Anderson, PhD, Psychologist, in Overland Park, KS

What Does a Well-Functioning American Family Look Like? The 5 Essential Ingredients of Optimal Family Life in a Culturally Diverse Society

Children must be shown and taught what is or is not acceptable in society. We are not born speaking a certain language, eating a certain diet, or interacting with family members in what are thought to be appropriate ways. Humans learn from their elders how to behave and conform to accepted cultural norms. Most of what we learn to do as civilized, law-abiding citizens comes from the modeling we see more than from direct instruction.

However, a person’s family life is configured by circumstances, ethnicity, and other conditions, and the parent figure(s) attempts to have a family that can produce and foster a viable next generation. Short story: parents want their children to grow up to be practical, adaptive, and able to sustain themselves as adults. The degree to which these outcomes occur for the kids is affected by the quality of the emotional and relationship environment kids grow up in.

5 Essential Ingredients for Cultivating Optimal Family Life

Here are the five foundational bones of well-functioning family life. More substance and elaboration can certainly be added, but an understanding of these basic traits will get you headed in the right direction.

1. Parents and adult role models demonstrate how to handle conflict, tolerate diversity and disagreement. Mutual respect of each family member prevents emotional abuse.

• Adults in the family understand and use rules of Fair Fighting.
• Clear, direct non-blaming communications are valued and used regularly. Active listening skills are taught to children. Skills sets for healthy expression of emotion are encouraged.
• Family members value understanding each other and reciprocal validation more than agreement and pushing for everybody to be on the same page.

2. Clear interpersonal boundaries are maintained in the family and outside the family in relationship to the larger communities such as neighborhood, state, and nation.

• A well-functioning or useful boundary clearly defines who is best suited to do what, with whom, when, where, and how. The family understands who the parents/adults are and who the children are and what’s expected of each in relation to other family members.
• Clear boundaries are maintained between the family and others defined as outside the family. The leaders in each family establish boundaries with short- and long-term consequences in mind. Boundaries may change over time to meet family and community needs or values as they change.
• Useful boundaries clarify responsibilities, obligations, and privileges. For example, family members in the role of adult or parent are responsible to raise the kids, pay the bills, and provide protection, not the children. The children are expected to play, go to school, and learn how to be socialized, productive adults. It is not their job to solve adult relationship issues.Kids play, compete, and cooperate more with their siblings than with their parents. Family members in the role of children are expected to obey family adults and house rules.Given mutual consent, parents have the prerogative to sexualize their relationship with each other as desired and may reproduce. Single parents meet their adult needs with other adults outside the family, not with children.

  At the same time, adults and parents in the family have the right/duty to make final decisions about family life. Families are not democracies.

3. Relationships in the family are valued, cultivated, and maintained with regular attention.

• Parents go on dates. Also, on a regular basis, each adult deliberately structures time with each child and cultivates one-on-one interactions.
• Siblings may squabble, but they need to have each other’s backs outside the family (say, at school).
• The family as a group does vacations and other family activities, building a deep and rich family life history and vault of cherished memories they can draw on when times are rough.

4. Children learn that, regardless of what goes on in their parent’s marriage (including divorce or separation), they can count on these four guaranteed facts:

• They are loved for who they are and are not expected to become clones or allies of either parent.
• While growing up, all their needs will be provided for by their parents, including provisioning, protection, and encouragement to pursue their unique destiny.
• Each parent has a relationship with each child that is unencumbered by the other parent in any way. Children are guaranteed minimal triangulation between their parents and are not used as go-betweens.
• Whatever happens in their parent’s marriage affects them to one degree or the other, but the marriage is none of their business: they did not cause it, they cannot control it, and they cannot change it. Proper boundaries dictate the marriage to be off-limits in all ways to the offspring of that marriage. Children don’t take sides with either parent or play the role of a substitute parental partner.

5. If or when relationships in the family are wounded or damaged, the parents/adults can demonstrate how to repair the damage.

• Children learn from what they see that it’s okay to seek emotional and mental health help, say “I’m sorry,” and deal with problems head on rather than with avoidance or denial. Parents model conflict resolution skills.
• Family members avoid blaming, judging, and criticizing each other for problems and troubles. Instead, they look at the part they play in the drama and work to improve that, rather than trying to point out each other’s faults and change them.
• Family members value and seek to enable growth, progress, and maturity in themselves and each other, not perfection.

6. Bonus Tip: What to Do When Your Family Is in a Hot-Mess Moment:

1. Parents/adults find healthy ways to get calm and stay calmer than the children.
2. As soon as possible, it is the parent/adult’s responsibility to call a family meeting. Everyone in the family must attend; no one is to be left out.
3. Openly, directly, and without blaming anyone, the crisis is discussed. Each family member is then asked to identify at least one appropriate thing they can do to restore calm and regular functioning to the family. The family leader(s) may find it useful to review the proper and useful roles and boundaries that apply to each family member.
4. Encourage members to remember and thank each person for the good they contribute to making the family a safe and supportive place to live.
5. Necessary solutions to identified problems are discussed. Family leaders use their wisdom and maturity to select the best solution(s) to problems at hand.
6. A follow-up family meeting may be scheduled to review and evaluate progress and make needed adjustments to solutions.

Aiming for Health in Your Family Life

To be sure, the above portrait of a well-functioning family errs on the side of idealism. However, with effort and persistence, movement towards these traits can happen. Give it your best shot and don’t give up. Conscious and mindful practice is required to gain and maintain clear, effective patterns of family interaction.

A family is an organic entity, living, breathing, and either growing or dying. It must be tended to, fed, protected, and nourished to be kept alive.

It never hurts to ask for a coach when learning new skills and procedures. You may wish to contact Paul W Anderson, PhD, or search for a family therapist near you for help and guidance.

Attachment-based parental alienation is a complex and potentially harmful dynamic whereby a parent manipulates their children to avoid, reject, and disdain their other parent. It can be viewed as a symptom of the narcissistic paradigm and is often of clinical concern regarding the child’s healthy development.

Parental Alienation Characterized

Parental alienation may involve the following symptoms and manifestations:

• The suppression of the normal-range functioning of the child’s attachment system.
• A role-reversal relationship in which the child is being used to meet the emotional and psychological needs of a parent (the allied and favored parent).
• Symptoms of narcissistic and/or borderline personality may also be present in the child and can also of extreme clinical concern for their healthy development.
• Symptoms in the child can only be the product of “pathogenic parenting” practices and cannot emerge spontaneously or for unrelated mental health reasons.

Roles in the Attachment-Based Parental Alienation Dynamic

In this role-reversal dynamic, the following roles are identified:

• Pathogenic parent: The parent who psychologically manipulates the child to devalue and discard the targeted parent.
• Targeted child: The child within a family system who has been singled out for the attention of the pathogenic parent.
• Targeted parent: The normal-range and affectionately available parent; the “victim” in the story. This is the parent who is scapegoated.

This type of parental alienation incorporates elements of Murray Bowen’s family systems theory, which is based on the dynamics between people in systems.

Bowen believed the family unit was the basic starting point for explaining human behavior.

Bowen believed the family unit was the basic starting point for explaining human behavior. His premise was that “individual behavior seemed determined less by individual choice and more by the individual’s relationship context.” He believed each family member derives their identity from their involvement within the family’s relationship system.

Connecting Family Systems Theory and Attachment-Based Parental Alienation

How is understanding Bowen’s theory helpful for understanding parental alienation? If the targeted parent can understand the underlying dynamics at play, they can use this information to work toward improving their relationship with their alienated child.

Let’s analyze the situation piece by piece, using Bowen’s eight concepts.

1. Triangles

A triangle is a three-person system. It is typically more stable and can handle more tension than a two-person system. A triangle often has one side in conflict and two harmonious sides, and it usually contains an “odd man out,” which can cause anxiety to that person.

Triangulation is a huge part of parental alienation, as the child is triangulated between their two parents, creating a cross-generational coalition. The coalition with the child serves as a vessel for the pathogenic parent to express their anger toward the targeted parent. The pathogenic parenting practices eventually cause the child to reject the targeted parent.

The function of a cross-generational coalition is to direct the pathogenic parent’s anger toward their partner through the child, using the child’s relationship with the other parent to inflict conflict and suffering on the other parent. Through the cross-generational coalition, the child is manipulated into expressing hostility and/or rejection of the other parent for supposed parental inadequacies and failures.

2. Differentiation of self

Part of healthy development involves a differentiation of self. People with a poorly differentiated self are more likely to be dependent on the approval and acceptance of others, to the point that they will try to please or bully others into agreeing with them. A person with a well-differentiated self has confidence and well-established inner boundaries regarding their own values.

Because of the pathogenic parent’s parenting, a child’s psychological boundaries may be compromised, and differentiation from that parent may not occur.

Because of the pathogenic parent’s parenting, a child’s psychological boundaries may be compromised, and differentiation from that parent may not occur. Instead, the child becomes infused with the mindset of the pathogenic parent and alienated from the normal-range parent through covert psychological manipulation on the part of the pathogenic parent.

The ensuing preoccupied attachment with the parent interferes with the child’s development of important ego functions, such as self-organization, affect regulation, and emotional object constancy.

3. Nuclear family emotional process

According to the nuclear family emotional system concept, there are four relationship patterns that help determine where problems develop in a family:

1. Relationship conflict: As tension rises within the family and each partner gets more anxious, they may externalize their anxiety into the relationship. Both focus on what is wrong with the other, try to control the other, and resist being controlled.
2. Dysfunction in one partner: One partner exerts control on the other to think and act in certain ways, and the other gives in. Both partners accommodate to preserve harmony, but one does more of it. The interaction is comfortable for both people up to a point, but if family tension rises further, the subordinate partner may yield so much of themselves that their anxiety increases significantly.
3. Impairment of one or more children: Each partner focuses their insecurities on the children. They may focus either in an idealized or negative way on one or more of the children. The more the parents focus on this child, the more the child may focus on them. This child becomes more reactive than any siblings to the attitudes, needs, and expectations of their parents. This dynamic can diminish the child’s ability for differentiation from the family and make them prone to acting out or internalizing family tension.
4. Emotional distance: Family members become distant from each other to reduce the relationship intensity but risk becoming too isolated.

The nuclear family emotional process is implicated in the creation of parental alienation. There is obvious relationship conflict and a dysfunctional partner, as well as the impairment of one of the children (the alienated child). Additionally, there is emotional distance between the two parents and between the alienated child and the targeted parent.

4. Family projection process

The family projection process describes the primary way parents transmit their emotional problems to a child. The parents’ fears and perceptions may so shape the child’s development and behavior that the child comes to embody these perceptions. Then the parent tries to “fix” the problem they have diagnosed in the child.

In attachment-based parental alienation, the pathogenic parent projects their views of the other parent onto the child while the child “introjects” these views, believing they are their own.

5. Multigenerational transmission process

This is the process by which differentiation between family members across generations affects individuals and their personal differentiation process. The transmission occurs on several levels involving both conscious teaching and unconscious programming of emotional responses and behaviors. Due to the intricacies of the relationship dynamics, some children develop more of a differentiated “self” than others.

6. Emotional cutoff

This is the concept where individuals attempt to reduce relational tension by cutting off emotional contact with other family members either by physically reducing contact or by simply cutting off emotional connection. Either way, the relationships may look “better,” but the problems have simply gone underground.

The alienating parent and the targeted child both exhibit emotional cutoff to the targeted parent. This can be an abuse of the child’s attachment system, as it is not typically normal or healthy for children to experience emotional cutoff from a parent. This must be taught and is encouraged by the alienating parent.

7. Sibling position

People who grow up in the same sibling position have been found to often share important characteristics. For example, oldest children may tend to gravitate to leadership positions and youngest children might prefer to be followers, while middle children tend to exhibit the functional characteristics of two sibling positions–youngest and oldest. Parents’ sibling positions also have a role in the family interaction dynamics.

Sibling position affects the way a child relates to the world. In general, the targeted child could be of any birth order, but it is commonly the firstborn child. This is the child the pathogenic parent may choose to use as a conduit through which they can deliver abuse to the targeted parent. Using a child in such a manner is abusive (Woodall, 2015).

Once the firstborn child has been fully indoctrinated, they may also work to ensure the siblings eventually follow suit.

8. Societal emotional process

This concept describes how the emotional system governs behavior on a societal level. Cultural forces are important in how a society functions but are insufficient for explaining how well societies adapt to the challenges that face them.

The societal-emotional process is evident in the case of parental alienation. While the targeted parent takes on the role of society, the pathogenic parent takes on the role of the enabling parent. The child begins to disrespect their other parent. The effect is a form of child abuse, as the pathogenic parent is encouraging poor character and behavior in their child. This form of conditioning can be difficult to discern and undo.

References:

1. Bowen family systems theory. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://wpfc.net/bowen-family-systems-theory
2. Childress, C. A. (n.d.). Re: Testimony by a family therapist. Retrieved from http://www.drcachildress.org/asp/admin/getFile.asp?RID=96&TID=6&FN=pdf
3. Childress, C. A. (n.d.). Strategic family therapy for a cross-generational coalition. Retrieved from http://www.drcachildress.org/asp/admin/getFile.asp?RID=121&TID=6&FN=pdf
4. Childress, C. A. & Pruter, D. (2019). Empathy, the family, and the core of social justice. Retrieved from http://www.drcachildress.org/asp/admin/getFile.asp?RID=239&TID=6&FN=pdf
5. Eight concepts. (n.d.) The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. Retrieved from https://thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts
6. Woodall, K. (2015). Separating siblings in alienating situations. Retrieved from https://karenwoodall.blog/2015/01/26/separating-siblings-in-alienation-situations

Since the United States Department of Justice announced its “Zero Tolerance Policy for Criminal Illegal Entry,” over 2,000 children have been separated from their guardians. Affected families include both those legally seeking asylum and those illegally crossing the border.

In the wake of public outcry, President Trump signed an executive order that may halt the practice of separating immigrants from their children. “It is also the policy of this Administration to maintain family unity, including by detaining alien families together where appropriate and consistent with law and available resources,” the order said in part.

The order has drawn criticism for its failure to reunite the children who have already been taken from their parents. The American Psychological Association published a statement on June 20 about its concerns.

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“While we are gratified that President Trump has ended this troubling policy of wresting immigrant children from their parents, we remain gravely concerned about the fate of the more than 2,300 children who have already been separated and are in shelters. These children have been needlessly traumatized and must be reunited with their parents or other family members as quickly as possible to minimize any long-term harm to their mental and physical health. In the interim, they should be assessed for and receive any needed mental or physical health care by qualified health care professionals.

“Decades of psychological research show that children separated from their parents can suffer severe psychological distress, resulting in anxiety, loss of appetite, sleep disturbances, withdrawal, aggressive behavior, and decline in educational achievement. The longer the parent and child are separated, the greater the child’s symptoms of anxiety and depression become,” said APA President Jessica Herndon Daniel in the statement.

How Separating Parents From Children Harms Families

The Society for Research in Child Development (SRCD) has also published a brief on the subject. The brief says even temporary separations can have long-lasting consequences for physical and mental health. The separations can impact parents, children, and communities.

The longer the parent and child are separated, the greater the child’s symptoms of anxiety and depression become.The brief draws on many studies of children separated from their parents. The research dates back to the forced separations of World War II.

The SRCD refers to parent-child separations as a “toxic stressor.” A stressor is an event that activates the body’s stress management system. A toxic stressor can cause a body to stay on high alert for a prolonged period.

Parent-child separations also remove children’s main buffer against other stressors. Many of the migrants attempting to cross the border have faced trauma such as gang violence, war, and rape. Children who are exposed to trauma do better when they have the support of their parents. Family separation can worsen the child’s stress from preexisting traumas.

Much research has focused on the separation of young children from their parents. Yet older children suffer too. Adolescent stress is often cumulative. For example, a teen exposed to the stress of gang violence in childhood will suffer even more trauma when separated from a parent. Stress experienced in adolescence may not produce symptoms till adulthood.

Long-Term Effects of Parent-Child Separation

The effects of parent-child separation can last well into adulthood. Family separation can put a child at greater risk for psychological issues such as:

• Posttraumatic stress (PTSD)
• Anxiety
• Low self-esteem
• Depression
• Attachment issues (meaning the child may have difficulty bonding with other people)

Family separation can also cause long-term changes in how the body responds to stress. These changes may make children more vulnerable to physical health problems as adults. Medical issues could include stunted growth, heart disease, stroke, and cancer. A child may also develop an increased risk of premature death.

Previous research suggests countries with “supportive” immigration policies tend to have better overall mental health among child populations.

Witnessing parent-child separations can be stressful even for those with no direct connection to the issue. Lawyers, social workers, and others who work with families at the border may suffer vicarious trauma. Immigrant families may worry about their own safety. Those who have survived border separation may need help to recover.

If you have been affected by parent-child separation, even indirectly, a therapist can help you process your emotions. Therapy can offer support, hope, and resources. There is no shame in seeking help.

References:

1. Bouza, J., Camacho-Thompson, D. E., Carlo, G., Franco, X. . . .White, R. M. (2018). The science is clear: Separating families has long-term damaging psychological and health consequences for children, families, and communities. Society for Research in Child Development. Retrieved from https://www.srcd.org/policy-media/statements-evidence/separating-families
2. Cheng, A. (2018, June 21). Fact-checking family separation. ACLU. Retrieved from https://www.aclu.org/blog/immigrants-rights/immigrants-rights-and-detention/fact-checking-family-separation
3. Hendry, E. R. (2018, June 20). Read Trump’s full executive order on family separation. PBS. Retrieved from https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/read-trumps-full-executive-order-on-family-separation

In my practice, I work with many people who are transgender. The ages of those I’ve worked with over the years range from 5 (yes, 5) to 65, and the single most common complaint I have heard from these individuals is that their loved ones have said or done something that leads them to question the validity of their identity.

To illustrate: teenagers I work with will often tell me that when they approached their parents to talk about identifying as trans, nonbinary, gender nonconforming, or any other identity on the spectrum, their parents’ first response was, “Are you sure this isn’t a phase?” While parents may have meant this harmlessly, and only intended to seek information about what was going on with their child, this language is not validating and is likely to leave the child (or adult) feeling unsupported and as if who they are doesn’t matter.

The phrases below are a few examples of what not to say when a child (or anyone you know!) comes out to as trans. I also offer some suggestions to consider that may lead to a more productive conversation and help your child feel validated and supported.

Here are a few things NOT to say in these situations. I also offer, for your consideration, some suggestions that may lead to a more productive conversation. [fat_widget_right]

“Are you sure this isn’t just a phase?”

It’s a good idea to avoid this question because it questions the basic understanding your child or teen has of themselves. When I work with parents, I often suggest we simply meet the child where they are right then, without considering how “sure” or “unsure” they may be of their identity. While a few of the people I have worked with have identified differently on the spectrum throughout their lives, none of them considered any of those identifications as a “phase.” I went through a phase of dying my hair pink and wearing studded bracelets. But I did not go through a phase of identifying as female. I have always been aware of my female identity, just as people who are trans are aware of their own identities.

Gender identity is exactly what it says: identity. It is an intrinsic part of who a person is. Would you question a person’s identity based on race or religion and ask them if it was a “phase”? It may be helpful to view gender identity in the same way. If today your child tells you they are trans, then it’s best to go with that until they tell you otherwise.

“Don’t you think you should date a person of X gender first?”

Gender identity and sexuality are completely different entities. Often, the parents of the people I work with confuse the two. Though they are trying to better understand their child’s disclosure by asking questions like these, they are simultaneously completely misunderstanding what their child is telling them.

Having your child come out to you as transgender or gender nonconforming may be overwhelming, confusing, and emotional, but I implore you to try to see your child’s disclosure as a demonstration of the trust they have in you as a parent.

For example, a transgender man (a person who was assigned female at birth might also identify as FtM (female to male) does not need to have a romantic or sexual relationship with another man in order to know whether he is truly male. Being romantically involved with a man (or person of any gender) does not inform a trans person’s sense of gender identity—in the same way a cisgender woman (person who was assigned female at birth and who identifies as female) would not have to date a man to know she is female, only whether she is sexually attracted to men.

“You are too young.”

To this, I simply say “Wrong.”

I understand a lot of people may struggle with the idea that young children can know their gender identity at such a young age. Sure, preschool and kindergarten years are a relatively gender-fluid time as it is, and gender roles and stereotypes may be more lax—let’s face it, a 5-year-old boy in a princess dress is likely to receive an “aww” because we assume children are just playing and exploring costumes and ideas rather than figuring out who they are.

However, I do strongly believe that children as young as 2 or 3 years of age can be aware of their gender identity. This awareness may present as an aversion to certain clothes or an attraction to a certain type of style that does not align with the gender they were assigned at birth. Rather than assuming your daughter is a tomboy or your son is just curious about your shoes, I encourage you to be open to the idea that your child may be figuring out who they are. Listen to them, hear their concerns or desires, and above all, please remain open-minded. Encourage their style, gender presentation, and expression, whether it turns out to be simple exploration or early expression of gender identity. The sooner our children know we support them regardless of who they are, the healthier and happier they are likely to be in adulthood.

Having your child come out to you as transgender or gender nonconforming may be overwhelming, confusing, and emotional, but I implore you to try to see your child’s disclosure as a demonstration of the trust they have in you as a parent. This act of sharing, which they may have deliberated over for some time, is likely to leave them feeling vulnerable and open. Keep that in mind as you choose your next steps and words, as they can, and likely will, have a lasting impact on your child and may be a touchstone memory for the rest of their lives.

I believe the most essential and key support system for any child is their family, and I encourage you to openly offer as much love and support as you possibly can. If you would like to talk through what you are feeling, or discover ways of opening a conversation or showing your support, I recommend seeking out a compassionate and qualified therapist or counselor who is trained in working with trans individuals and their families.