Over coming Death AnxietyWhat is Death Anxiety in Psychology? 

Death anxiety is a persistent presence in our lives. It’s often unspoken and misunderstood, but it’s a core fear that shapes how we live. This anxiety doesn’t just appear in obvious ways—it seeps into our thoughts, influences our decisions, and drives many of our behaviors, whether we’re aware of it or not. We might try to outrun it, deny it, or look to others to shield us from it, but the reality of our impermanence is inescapable. Psychotherapy offers a space to approach these fears, transforming our relationship with death and ultimately enriching our lives.  

How to Overcome Death Anxiety 

Okay, okay… I know the title of this blog says how psychotherapy can help you overcome death anxiety. “Overcome” is a bit of an exaggeration because the truth is, psychotherapy doesn’t make death anxiety disappear—it helps you learn to coexist with it. Death anxiety is a universal experience— your therapist struggles with it too because it’s a part of being human! Yes, your therapist will die one day too! 

Death anxiety is not something that can be overcome or fixed, nor is it something a therapist can simply resolve for you. Instead, psychotherapy guides you in facing your fear of death so it no longer rules your life. Through therapy, you’ll learn to live with uncertainty and coexist with your fears. Although therapy won’t erase death anxiety, it can transform your relationship with it, shift how you view your current existence, and guide you toward living a life rooted in your values and meaning. You’ll learn to lean into the discomfort, face your fears, and find ways to cope, even when the answers are out of reach or unclear. 

4 Ways Psychotherapy Can Help You Overcome Death Anxiety 

  1. Acknowledging Death as Part of Your Life

Death is the elephant in the room—something we all know is there but rarely speak of. This silence can make the fear of death feel even more isolating and overwhelming. In therapy, there’s a space to talk about death openly and honestly, without judgment or fear of being dismissed. By recognizing death as an inevitable part of life—and accepting one day you will die- we can diminish its power over us. The goal isn’t to eliminate the fear but to integrate it into our understanding of what it means to live.  

  1. Uncovering Defenses

Our fear of death often hides behind various coping mechanisms that protect us but also keep us stuck. We might secretly believe that death won’t come for us, living as if we’re invincible or postponing things because we think we have all the time in the world. We may place our hope in someone or something we believe can rescue us from death—whether it’s a doctor, a treatment, a partner, or a religion. Perhaps our anxiety about death gets displaced as a fear of certain places, objects, or situations because these seem more manageable, controllable, and less scary than facing our mortality. In psychotherapy, we explore these defenses and the roles they play in our lives. By understanding these patterns, we gain insight into how we are limiting ourselves. This exploration empowers us to make more conscious choices about how we want to live.  

  1. Making New Choices

Confronting death anxiety often brings us face-to-face with our regrets—the “what ifs” and “if onlys” that haunt us. By reflecting on what we wish we had done differently, we gain clarity on how we want to live going forward. This process empowers us to make choices that align with our values, helping us live in a way that minimizes future regrets. Rather than being paralyzed by what we can’t change, we learn to focus on what we can—our actions, our intentions, and our commitment to living a satisfying life. 

  1. Transforming Anxiety into a Catalyst for Mindful Living

Psychotherapy doesn’t aim to eliminate anxiety; instead, it helps us reframe it as a guide that can point us toward a more intentional life. Instead of simply marveling at the way things are, we learn to appreciate that they are. We become more attuned to the present moment, continuously aware of our own existence and that life can end. This mindfulness fosters a deeper appreciation for the everyday moments we often overlook, allowing us to engage with every moment of life. 

Conclusion 

Life and death are inextricably linked—two sides of the same coin. Confronting death anxiety in psychotherapy isn’t about banishing fear; it’s about learning to live alongside it. By exploring our anxieties, defenses, and regrets, therapy offers a path to a more authentic existence, one where we can embrace life with all its uncertainties. Through this work, we find that a lifelong consideration of death doesn’t impoverish life; it enriches it, inviting us to live more mindfully, bravely, and with a renewed sense of purpose. 

If you are interested in learning about therapy or would like to setup an appointment with Person to Person Psychotherapy, serving New Jersey & New York residents, call 908-224-0007. 

If the idea of flying fills you with anxiety and fear, you are not alone. Aviophobia, an extreme fear of flying, is one of the most common phobias in the United States, affecting as many as 40% of people! Thankfully, the fear of flying can be treated successfully through therapy.

Most travelers have a healthy concern about the safety of airplane travel. They want to know that planes are routinely serviced, that pilots and air traffic controllers are well trained, that weather conditions are safe before they fly, and that security is tight. This normal concern is rational, and the traveler feels comforted if everything seems satisfactory.

People with a phobia about flying are not likely to be comforted by any of this evidence about the safety of a flight. Instead, they feel that there is an exception to every rule. Where a non-phobic person will realize that they are safer on a plane than in any other common type of transportation, a person with flight anxiety will not be able to get beyond thinking about the negative possibilities, no matter how remote. When I tell clients with flight anxiety that the chances of being in a serious commercial plane crash are one in twenty million, all they focus on is “one.”

Many have theorized that the fear of flying has its roots in a combination of two inborn fears: the fear of not having control and the fear of falling. This is exemplified by the fact that those with flight anxiety will list both the feeling of being suspended high in the air and of trusting a piece of machinery to keep them there as their two primary sources of unease. In fact, most aviophobics do not fear driving at all, despite the much higher risk of that choice, because in a car, they feel they are in complete control. Many also have no fears of trains, which are at least on the ground. Interestingly, many people find through therapy that the reasons for their fears are much more profound than their actual worries about the plane.

Symptoms of Aviophobia

The symptoms of this phobia vary from person to person but often start with severe anticipation anxiety that can lead to insomnia, obsessive thinking, and even some physical symptoms like shortness of breath. Once on the airplane, the symptoms can often be similar to panic attacks, including extreme fearfulness, nausea, dizziness, dry mouth, sweating, shortness of breath, and shaking. For many, these symptoms subside a lot once the plane is safely in the air, though for some, the symptoms persist to some degree for the entire flight.

People who suffer from a fear of flying are often aware that their fear is irrational. However, despite this knowledge and supportive encouragement from friends and family, they are still afflicted with their intense fears. Unfortunately, the effects of flight anxiety are not limited to the distress it causes to those who suffer from it. It can affect a person’s family life and job prospects. Each year, many people who suddenly cannot fly because of this phobia are let go from businesses that require travel. It can also inhibit people from taking vacations and seeing family living far away.

The good news is that successful therapeutic treatments are available for people with phobias about flying. Usually, this type of therapy involves three general steps:

1. Challenging Irrational Thoughts

The therapist will work with you to notice each automatic and irrational thought about flying and help you learn to challenge them. Reviewing these thoughts can sometimes lead to a better understanding of why these fears came on in the first place. One young mother came to me with a fear of flying, and the content of her irrational thoughts helped her realize that having kids generated a greater sense of responsibility and more awareness of her mortality. Knowing that the cause isn’t actually about the plane can help!

2. Desensitization

The next step is “systematic desensitization,” which describes a gradual progression that starts with safe and quick visualization and eventually leads to going on an airplane. At first, the therapist might ask you to go to the airport, watch planes safely landing and taking off, and see passengers calmly walking onto airplanes. They might refer you to a website that shows all the planes in the air at the moment, which can help you see how safe things are.

3. Designing a plan for the flight itself

In therapy, you’ll learn to practice deep breathing exercises and relaxation techniques to help manage anxiety during the flight. You might use visualization techniques while focusing on feelings of relaxation and comfort. The plan may include engaging in activities that divert your attention during the flight. You’ll also learn how to inform the flight attendants about your flight anxiety. They are trained to handle anxious passengers and may be able to provide reassurance or guidance during the flight. Even saying “hello” to the pilots when you board can bring relief.

If you suffer from flight anxiety, there are a variety of resources available to you, including support groups, educational books and internet sites, internet chat rooms, and self-help protocols. Your therapist can help you weave all of that together in combination with their work with you to help you overcome your fears. You are not alone in having flight anxiety, and you won’t be alone in joining the considerable number of people who were able to overcome it!

Fear is something all of us have experienced at some point in our lives. Everyone is scared of something. In fact, there are so many times when fear keeps us from doing what we want. At times, it’s a fear of what others might think. And at other times, it can be a fear of something that we are not willing to face.

There is nothing wrong with being scared; as humans, feeling scared is natural.

Fear is the body’s natural response to a stimulus. A stimulus can be anything that your mind perceives as a threat. Your body prepares itself to deal with fear by activating fight-or-flight response. No matter how much you deny fear, it is part of your survival kit. It is inevitable.

Fear is not just a feeling, but a form of energy. Any energy that is accumulated will require an outlet at some point.

4 Steps to Breaking Free from Fear

1. Face your fears

If you do not address your fears, they can accumulate with time. Fear is not just a feeling, but a form of energy. Any energy that is accumulated will require an outlet at some point. No energy can be contained for too long. When you don’t allow fear to get released, it starts expressing itself as struggle and pain.

In order to liberate yourself from your fears, you may need to put in some effort. It is not easy, but it is not impossible either. It is essential to liberate yourself from the fears that are holding you back.

2. Acknowledge your fears

Most people like to pretend that nothing happened after a frightful experience. They think that by trying to forget or ignore the fact that they felt scared, the fear will disappear. In reality, this is not the case. Whenever you feel sacred, you should acknowledge the emotion and face it. Instead of running away, you should tell yourself that it is okay to experience fear.

3. Communicate with your fears

Whenever you experience fear, learn to communicate with it. Seek to understand what your fear is trying to tell you. In order to communicate with your fear, first observe where exactly the fearful energy has accumulated in your body. Sometimes you may feel tightness in your heart, an uneasy feeling in your stomach, or tension in your limbs. Once you are successful in finding the crux of this energy, you can then communicate with it.

Ask questions like:

A dialogue with your fear can reveal some useful and important pieces of information. You will be able to understand the origin of fear and how to make yourself feel safe.

4. Find a way to release fear

A duck flutters its wings intensely after a quarrel to release the energy of fear. Similarly, you can find ways that help you release negative energy. It can be crying, screaming, shouting, or any vigorous physical movement.

Focus on the part of the body where you feel fear has accumulated and understand what kind of movement your body wants. Once you understand, all you need to do is surrender to the movement, amplify it, and repeat until it comes to an end.

4 Tips for Emotional Healing

Most people today may deal with damaged emotions. Many have been through one thing or another that has left them emotionally devastated. In some cases, people suffer so much that they’re scared if they open up about it, others might see them differently. Some people are scared their emotions will be misjudged. Others are scared that they won’t be able to live up to what is expected of them.

In order to start healing yourself emotionally and liberate yourself from your fears, follow the tips below:

1. Be yourself

It’s important to be yourself and be able to do what you like without being afraid of what anyone thinks. Be your own first priority, and try not to let others tell you how you should be.

2. Invent yourself

All of us mold ourselves according to the environment we live in. Give yourself a break and think about how you can reduce the emotional distress you’re feeling. Become a person you think can handle the distress better. Invent yourself with characteristics that were missing earlier.

3. Love and be loved

It is essential to love yourself and allow yourself to be loved. Try not to look down on yourself. You should feel worthy of love, your own and others’.

4. Flip the anxiety switch off

Promise yourself you will continue to work on addressing fears that contribute to unwanted worry or anxiety.

It can take much emotional strength to liberate yourself from fear. Facing and fighting fear can require courage, which can often come with the ability to emotionally regulate. For support as you work to build courage or face your fears, reach out to a trained and empathetic mental health professional in your area.

Lower view of professional woman walking on a rainy cobblestone roadEvery January since 2004, National Stalking Awareness Month has taken place to raise awareness of the impact stalking can have on its victims. Below are some stalking statistics and facts that highlight just how detrimental stalking can be to a person’s safety, mental health, and emotional well-being.

If you are being stalked, stay alert and reach out for help. Making sure trusted friends or family members know about the situation is a good idea, as is documenting any evidence of the stalking and reporting the incident to your local law enforcement.

Stalking Statistics: The Big Picture

Statistical Risk Factors for Being Stalked

How Stalking Impacts Victims

Stalking on College Campuses

Stalking and the Justice System

Facts About Stalkers

It’s normal for stalking to cause strong feelings of fear, anxiety, and even anger in those who are targeted. Working with a compassionate therapist can help you overcome trauma and other mental health impacts of stalking.

References:

  1. Ngo, F. (2018). Same-sex and opposite-sex stalking in the United States: An exploration of the correlates of informal and formal coping strategies of the victims. International Journal of Criminal Justice Sciences, 1(13), 230-246. doi: 10.5281/zenodo.1403433
  2. Stalking fact sheet. (n.d.). Stalking Prevention, Awareness, and Resource Center. Retrieved from https://www.stalkingawareness.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/SPARC_StalkngFactSheet_2018_FINAL.pdf
  3. Stalking. (2017, July 24). Bureau of Justice Statistics. Retrieved from https://www.bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=tp&tid=973
  4. Stalking. (2016). The National Center for Victims of Crime. Retrieved from https://ovc.ncjrs.gov/ncvrw2016/content/section-6/PDF/2016NCVRW_6_Stalking-508.pdf
  5. Stalking statistics. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://sites.jcu.edu/vpac/pages/educate-yourself/stalking/stalking-statistics
  6. Tjaden, P., & Thoennes, N. (2000). The role of stalking in domestic violence crime reports generated by the Colorado Springs Police Department. Violence and Victims, 15(4), 427-441. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11288939
  7. Quick guide to stalking: 16 important statistics, and what you can do about it. (2017, January 30). National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV). Retrieved from https://ncadv.org/blog/posts/quick-guide-to-stalking-16-important-statistics-and-what-you-can-do-about-it
  8. West, S. G., & Hatters-Friedman, S. (2008, August 10). These boots are made for stalking: Characteristics of female stalkers. Psychiatry (Edgemont), 5(8), 37-42. Retrieved from http://innovationscns.com/these-boots-are-made-for-stalking-characteristics-of-female-stalkers

Rear view of person in suit sitting and looking outside large window with hands behind head with sunspot illuminating areaWhen you make a mistake, how do you react? Are you overly critical? Do you always blame yourself, even for the smallest mistakes? That’s your inner critic talking.

The inner critic is the part of us that wants to point out all of our faults. It expects perfection and won’t accept anything less. It also assumes it knows how others think and feel about us. Listening to this inner critic can often make us feel really bad about ourselves.

Why Do We Believe Our Inner Critic?

The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of therapy is based on the idea that we all have many different parts inside of us. The expression of these parts differs from person to person. In other words, we all have an inner critic, but for some of us that critical part is much louder and meaner. Our inner critic can make us feel anxious or depressed by telling us we aren’t living up to others’ expectations.

Many people feel like their inner critic reminds them of the things they didn’t do. As a result, they might believe they’d never get anything done without this critical voice. [fat_widget_right]

But in reality, bullying doesn’t make us more productive. Quite the opposite, in fact: research shows bullying in the workplace lowers productivity and increases depressive symptoms. Research has also shown that self-criticism tends to accompany social phobias and depression. Self-criticism has also been shown to increase the severity of combat-related posttraumatic stress (PTSD), eating disorders, and body image issues.

What Does Your Inner Critic Want You to Know?

So if our inner critic leaves us feeling bad about ourselves and increases the risk of some mental health concerns, can we learn anything from listening to that part of us?

Is it possible that it wants to protect us from harm? Does that critical part of us come from a place of good intent?

Many people feel like their inner critic reminds them of the things they didn’t do. As a result, they might believe they’d never get anything done without this critical voice.

When we approach the inner critic from the IFS (parts) model, we can begin to understand that this critical part is actually working hard to protect us. It says all those mean things with the best intentions. It truly believes it is helping us.

But if we were trying to help someone else, like a friend or family member, we wouldn’t be that hard on them, would we? We probably wouldn’t ever be that hard on anyone other than ourselves.

So how do we get the inner critic to quiet down? To be less critical?

How Can We Do Things Differently?

1. Tune in.

The first step we can take is to really tune into the inner critic. Try to draw a mental image (you can actually draw it, if that helps!) that part of you. How old does it feel? What does it look like? Does it sound familiar? Perhaps it sounds like a person from your past, a parent, or an ex-partner. Maybe it sounds like someone currently in your life.

2. Get curious.

As you begin to have a clearer picture of that critical part, the next step is to start noticing how often it shows up. Does it chime in when you make mistakes or when it worries about being judged? Does it tell you to avoid new places and situations? How often is it present? Does it show up once in a while, or does it offer a constant stream of negativity?

3. Ask some questions.

You might notice that the critical part hangs around a lot, especially if you’re feeling anxious or depressed. The next time you hear your inner critic, try asking some questions to find out more about it:

4. Use compassion and curiosity.

As you take time to listen, see if you can be compassionate and curious. Would you like to ask that part some other questions? Try to be kind and curious at the same time. Each time your critical part answers a question, you can let it know that you heard it.

You’ll probably learn that your critical part is reacting from deep-seated fears. It’s trying to protect you from future harm. It wants to keep you safe. When you learn that your part wants to protect you, you may feel less likely to tell it to shut up and leave you alone. You might even begin to feel some compassion for the critical part because it’s always responding from fear.

5. Listen and respond.

As you become more familiar with when and how your critical parts show up, you can start responding differently. You can say something like, “I hear you. I know you’re worried I’ll make a mistake or get hurt by others, but I don’t want to live my life in constant fear. Thank you for worrying about me. Right now I’m going to ask you to step aside while I decide what I’m going to do.” You’re telling that part that you hear it. You are compassionately asking your critical part to let you, not it, decide what’s next.

Talking to your inner critic takes a lot of practice. I’m willing to bet it’s had your ear for a long, long time. But in time, you’ll find it’s easier to notice when it shows up and easier to get it to calm down as you try new things—and hopefully even have fun doing them!  [amazon_affiliate]

If you are struggling to reach your inner critic, consider reaching out to a compassionate therapist or counselor who can help you explore this critical part of you.

References:

  1. McTernan, W. P., Dollard, M. F., & LaMontagne, A. D. (2013, November 7). Depression in the workplace: An economic cost analysis of depression-related productivity loss attributable to job strain and bullying. Work & Stress: An International Journal of Work, Health, & Organization, 27(4), 321-338. doi: 1080/02678373.2013.846948
  2. Neff, K. D., Germer, C. (2017). Self-compassion and psychological well-being. In J. Doty (Ed.) Oxford handbook of compassion science (371-386). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
  3. Schwartz, R. C. (2001). Introduction to internal family systems model. Oak Park, IL: Trailhead Publications.

Distant person holds up light in middle of dim, desolate forest with fogThe news is so full of dark and scary stories these days that it can be overwhelming. I, for one, find it troubling to hear about repeated shootings where innocent lives are taken, the growing number of teen suicides due in part to a spike in adolescent depression, the unprecedented opioid epidemic, and the sexual abuse and harassment that has come to light in recent months.

The fact these types of stories are constantly featured in news and social media cycles can bring us down in significant ways. This is particularly true when we see the dire effect on our youth, as well as the damage to families, friends, and communities. Just trying to absorb these stories can invoke a sense of hopelessness and helplessness.

It may seem unusual for a counselor to start an article with so much gloom and doom. How depressing! But I do so to point out that because we are bombarded by such volume and intensity of negative information 24/7, we need more effective means of coping and managing the fear and trauma that comes with it. We need to be able to find relief and a sense of balance and safety in our daily lives.

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I work with individuals and families who deal with these kinds of concerns in very personal ways. When they first come to therapy, their darkness is stark, real, and often overwhelming. It’s imperative for me to not only notice but to join them in that darkness, such that the power of the dark space is recognized and revered for what it is and the impact it has.

At this point in the therapeutic process, there is no light—just the small adjustments made by the human senses to initiate calmness. There is little to no means of navigation through this space.

As the therapist, I am initially charged with illuminating this space. I think of this as being in charge of a flashlight, which I must hold until the person I am with is able. I shine a dim beam of light in the space until the shapes and contours of the pain start to appear. The brightness of the beam depends on how much the person in therapy can tolerate seeing at once.

So, what does the flashlight represent and how can it be used to soothe and heal emotional pain? The flashlight is the means by which we can begin to reconcile and come to terms with what has happened.

As time goes on, my job becomes more about adjusting the flashlight beam so the space becomes incrementally brighter. The events of whatever tragedy took place become more understood and digestible, if only for brief, erratic segments of time. Emotions become more readily distinguishable and we begin the long journey of softly illuminating the space. The ultimate goal is for the person in therapy to take over holding the flashlight—perhaps temporarily at first, but with more confidence and self-direction as time passes.

So, what does the flashlight represent and how can it be used to soothe and heal emotional pain? The flashlight is the means by which we can begin to reconcile and come to terms with what has happened. It is a tool for assessing the damage done to our psyche in the midst of devastation so we can begin the process of sorting out and reorganizing our perceptions of our new realities post-calamity. In the end, it is about finding some solace and peace.

It’s important to point out that this process is not a quick, easy fix. Many have found eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) to be helpful in giving the brain a jump-start to reprocessing chaotic aftermath. However, it takes time to fully comprehend and absorb what has happened and how that affects our new world of emotions.

For a more global or societal experience of trauma, the process is much the same, though perhaps at a less intense level. When we see or hear news about another terrorist attack, mass shooting, major earthquake, or bombing of innocent children, we may be shaken by fear, disillusionment, sadness, and a sense of hopelessness and helplessness.

But flashlights are available in this arena as well. Some recent examples include youth activism in response to school shootings and the #MeToo/#TimesUp movements bringing awareness and voice to the unacceptability of sexual abuse and harassment.

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These examples give us pause to reflect on the human capacity to find sources of light, be they others showing courage to respond proactively or our own internal strength and, perhaps, spirituality that help us reorient and heal. We can then hold that flashlight firmly until the darkness recedes.

If you need help, contact a licensed therapist.

Reference:

Slay-Westbrook, S. (2016). Respect-focused therapy: Honoring clients through the therapeutic relationship and process. United Kingdom: Taylor & Francis.

Two roads diverge in forest, one more strewn with fallen leavesWe all reach a point in our lives where our decisions inevitably create profound changes in our hearts, our minds, and our world. In many cases, fear can be the charging force pushing the direction of our thoughts, dictating our movements. Sometimes our fears are hidden. Sometimes we are simply not ready to confront them.

But eventually, we all come to a crossroads where we need to make life-changing decisions, regardless of our fears. At this point, the direction of our movement must encompass confronting our hidden fears and the other feelings that play a powerful role in our decision-making.

Fear of the unknown can shake our resolve in moving forward as we begin to face the heart-pounding moments that inform our actions.

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Our decisions are unconsciously influenced by our experiences during childhood, adolescence, and adult life. We grow up in survival mode, learning to protect ourselves from the verbal, physical, and emotional onslaught of our parents, siblings, teachers, schoolyard bullies, and others.

These learned survival traits compound and confuse our thinking of who we are and the direction of our lives. They affect our daily actions, at times giving us distressing results in our confrontations, causing us to begin asking more contemplative questions at new crossroads: How do I decide what to do? What is my problem? Where do I look for helpful information? Why is it so important to know about my past? Who can help me with my decisions? When should I begin the search? Such thoughts radiate through our decision-making both internally and outwardly.

As we walk through life, we carry our failures, losses, hurts, and other issues experienced while growing up with family or alone. We ask ourselves, “Am I any good? Am I worthwhile? Am I broken?”

Whether we are sitting in our car at a crossroad to an unknown destination or at a crossroad in our mind confronting a fear resulting from an experience, can we determine who we are and what we are all about? What does all of this mean for us?

It means courage. As we walk through life, we carry our failures, losses, hurts, and other issues experienced while growing up with family or alone. We ask ourselves, “Am I any good? Am I worthwhile? Am I broken?”

These are scary and real questions that may present themselves at a crossroad. How do we explore thoughts and confront fears resulting from our actions, or the actions of others that have affected our lives?

Here are four simplified steps that can help:

  1. One needs to explore the ways we protect ourselves unconsciously from the anxiety of recognizing singular or multiple traumatic events that have shaped our decision-making. We do this to defend against a fear or other troubling emotion which becomes the catalyst for our actions.
  2. In my therapeutic experience, when looking at unconscious fears that interfere with our decision-making, it’s advisable to attempt to understand one issue at a time. Otherwise, we may experience frustration, aggravation, and other emotions, resulting in nothing being done at all.
  3. Once the issue is brought into the light, exploration of our feelings can be utilized using “who,” “what,” “where,” “when,” and “why” to try to understand how our unconscious manipulates our thoughts and emotions. Recognizing our basic emotions and understanding them is just as important as being able to accept the defenses we utilize in protecting our fears. We often experience interacting emotions, producing thoughts that may result in anxiety, anger, apathy, despair, doubt, and indecision. We direct ourselves to play out emotional entanglements by interjecting ourselves into circumstances we have unconsciously designed. The emotions and fears we deal with unconsciously affect the decisions we make as we travel forward into the crossroads of our lives.
  4. Once we understand our feelings and survival techniques, goals can be visualized, empowering us to resolve the fears that have impeded our decisions. In turn, we are able to move forward. The many crossroads encountered in life can help us strengthen our belief about ourselves.

The most recent crossroad I have confronted was related to heart surgery. It was determined on the operating table that the surgery could not be performed because my heart was covered by plaque, closing my aortic valve by more than two-thirds. If surgery continued, a stroke most likely would have occurred since the procedure for this type of surgery was so recently developed.

Afterward, I was informed there are surgeons currently in training to perform this next level of operation. So I wrestled with two decisions: Wait for the training to finish and risk having the surgery, or do nothing and let go.

This life decision was not easy, as it affected not just myself but my family. In the end, I elected to let go of the surgery. In coming to terms with this decision, I have become more comfortable with managing this arduous crossroad.

The life-changing decisions and crossroads we experience are different for all of us. Trying to use complicated methods to explore our issues can result in the opposite of the desired goal. A simplified approach to understanding who and what we are about may have a greater positive influence on the changes in our life and the decisions we make.

Person with short curly red hair, blue glasses, wearing tights and skirt sits on leaf-strewn stairway and reads on phone with somber expressionI spent a lot of my early career writing and leading a workshop on the topic of fear. When I asked myself, early on, “What is my biggest obstacle to overcome in terms of speaking publicly to build my practice?” I noticed that fear would appear, out from the shadows. I discovered I was living in a fearful state of mind and that I was particularly afraid that I would be exposed as “not knowing.” A fraud.

In light of the fear and related emotions many are feeling right now with regard to the 2016 presidential election, recent acts of terrorism, increased hate crimes, and police violence, to name just a few concerns, I wanted to revisit that topic of fear.

I want to talk about how and why a fearful state of mind can leave people susceptible to those who fan the flames of fear to get money, their vote, and so on, and how individuals can reduce the fear they experience in order to reduce stress and protect themselves from manipulation.

The fear I address here is not the type experienced in response to an immediate and present threat. Rather, I address a persistent fearful state of mind that can leave us vulnerable to harmful influence and stress, a state of mind where fear exists constantly, unconsciously, as we scour the news vigilantly for threats and in all aspects of daily life.

The Purpose and Misuse of Fear

All humans live with some form of fear. It is key to survival. Our brains are hardwired to react physiologically to danger, a remnant from days when humans were often face-to-face with large, furry predators wanting to eat them.

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When we feel afraid, a part of our brain flips a switch and goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode. We either fight, freeze, or flee physically and/or emotionally from what we perceive is threatening us. During this process, our cognitive capacities—our ability to think rationally and analyze situations—becomes compromised and can even shut off completely.

When we live with a fearful state of mind, this fight, flight, or freeze mode runs like background music—on low, all the time. When this is the case, our minds may incorrectly perceive the extent of any particular threat, leaving us vulnerable to manipulation, such as false promises of reassurance or solutions.

Because fear leaves the mind vulnerable, it can be—and often is—used as a tool for manipulation and profit. A fearful brain may be more likely to exaggerate a potential threat and cause us to lose our ability to think constructively or take appropriate action.

Here are a few extreme examples of how fear might be profited from:

  1. A global rise in “populist” support for anti-immigrant/foreigner, nationalistic, negative, and rage-filled sentiment. This is fueled in part by deep fears of perceived dislocation, alienation, and diminished economic opportunity as well as political representation due to demographic changes and economic challenges.
  2. A fierce battle over guns despite the number of gun-related deaths in the United States relative to other first-world countries. This is fueled on both sides by fears of a lack of safety, lack of security, and powerlessness.
  3. The rise of “radicalism” as a global threat feeds on fear. When coupled with violence, terrorism and radicalism use fear as a weapon, hoping to incite non-believers into a fear-driven battle of good versus evil.
  4. Fear is used not only as a weapon but as a way to profit, as when media sources focus on fear-inducing events partially, if not primarily, because these stories draw the most attention and money.
  5. Fear can be used as a defense for bad behavior, as is discussed in a recent New Yorker article on police shootings of unarmed, innocent people of color.

Engaging with Your Fear

A fearful state of mind creates and feeds off extreme responses (inaction and overreaction), which are byproducts of what happens in the brain during a fight, flight, or freeze response.

Because fear leaves the mind vulnerable, it can be—and often is—used as a tool for manipulation and profit. A fearful brain may be more likely to exaggerate a potential threat and cause us to lose our ability to think constructively or take appropriate action. Working with a fearful state of mind, then, requires an ongoing, active, reality-based engagement with these thoughts and feelings.

Let’s return to the fearful state of mind I mentioned earlier. To resolve this, I figured, I would first need to get to know my fear so that it would go away. Not so easy! Fear is slippery. Fear is also a good teacher: fear taught me “knowing” it would not make it go away. I needed, instead, to learn to work with my fear, to maintain an ongoing relationship with it.

I want to empower you to learn to engage and work with your fear as I have learned to do with mine.

The following series of steps can help you shift from a fearful state of mind one more grounded in reality:

  1. Recognize your fear. Building awareness of the mind is the foundation of any psychological change. In whatever way you feel comfortable, start to pay attention to the fearful thoughts. Where do you feel fear in your body? What are the particular thoughts associated with your fear? When in fear, do you tend to fight, freeze or flee emotionally? When you feel afraid, how do you typically respond? Do you look for reassurance? Check out? These are just a few ways you can start to get to know your fear.
  2. Work with the fearful thoughts. Once you recognize the fear both physiologically and in its particular form (of thoughts), you can then begin to find ways to work with it. You may find one way that works best or use a combination of ways. Consider the following approaches:
    1. Counteracting thoughts: Taking your fearful thoughts, one by one, and counteracting them, with positive, calm, and relaxing thoughts,
    2. Distraction: Shifting what you are thinking about
    3. Breathing practice: Breathing from your belly, for example, can reduce fear.
  3. A mindfulness/spiritual practice. If you are so inclined, a spiritual practice, or even simple mindfulness practice, can give you a sense of something greater than you and the things causing your fear. A daily practice is recommended. During this practice, you can also practice shifting your state of mind from a fearful mind-set to a more open one.
  4. Connect with others. Avoiding isolation is key. A fearful state of mind flourishes in solitary moments because it can feed on itself. Fearful thoughts can spiral and worsen if there is no one else to help you envision a different reality. We are primarily social creatures, and our brains and bodies generally want contact with other human beings. Maintaining contact with others, especially in difficult times, can help settle the nervous system and reduce fear.

These suggestions can have a significant positive impact, but they do take practice. A well-entrenched fearful state of mind may require the help of a therapist. Therapy can offer a space to safely explore the root of the fears and provide a steady space to practice, over and over, shifting the mind from a fearful state to a more open state.

If you can learn to shift your state of mind, you may be more likely to find greater peace and calm within yourself, and you are also likely to develop renewed energy for more creative, pleasurable, and productive pursuits.

Reference:

Wallace-Wells, B. (2016, July 12). Police shootings, race, and the fear defense. The New Yorker. Retrieved from http://www.newyorker.com/news/benjamin-wallace-wells/police-shootings-race-and-the-fear-defense

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’m afraid of everything. I seriously mean everything. Spiders, clowns, heights, germs, dying, dogs, small spaces, large crowds, undercooked meats, darkness, terrorist attacks, natural disasters … I could go on. These irrational fears have been affecting my life for as long as I can remember, and I never seem to get over them. If anything, I only find new things I’m afraid of.

I did a ton of research to find a place to live that was least risky—no hurricanes, no tornadoes, unlikely earthquakes, the least number of bugs, etc. I’ve insulated myself as much as humanly possible. I’m still miserable and afraid.

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Only a small number of these fears actually have roots in personal experiences. For instance, I was once bitten by a large dog, which explains my fear of dogs. But I have never been traumatized by a clown, never been caught in a violent attack, never experienced a natural disaster. I never had a negative experience in an elevator, but I have a panic attack almost every time I step foot in one.

Why do these things bother me so much? Is it possible to “cure” fears that have no basis in personal history? I want to live more freely and feel better about normal things and occurrences that should, at most, evoke minimal discomfort. Please help! —Dread Locked

Dear Dread Locked,

You write that you are scared of everything and there is no reason for most of your fears. I disagree. I think you do have reasons, even if you may not be fully aware of them, and these reasons can be worked with.

Sure, if you’ve been bitten by a dog, it makes logical sense you’d be afraid of dogs—there’s a reason for the saying “once bitten, twice shy,” after all. But you don’t have to have been in an elevator, necessarily, to be afraid of elevators—claustrophobia (fear of being trapped in small places) and agoraphobia (fear of situations that might cause panic and feelings of helplessness) are both pretty common.

Some of the other fears you describe—fear of spiders (arachnophobia), fear of heights (acrophobia), fear of germs (mysophobia), fear of clowns (coulrophobia), fear of dying (thanatophobia), and fear of earthquakes (seismophobia)—are prevalent enough to have their own names, too.

You ask whether there is a cure. That’s a strong word, and while nothing is guaranteed, I feel confident in saying therapy can help you understand your fears better, which in turn may help you manage them in more effective and productive ways.

It’s telling to me that you describe your fears as irrational. If you look at these fears, you no doubt recognize they are about things and events that do sometimes happen or present problems in human experience, but remember: the brain is wired to protect itself. Consider your fear of dying, for instance. Would you agree most people fear death on some level? Fundamentally, fear of death is protective, as it is our brain telling us to make decisions that are in the best interests of its preservation. Your brain is in fact being rational, not irrational, when it tells you to, say, keep your distance from the edge of the cliff, or to slow down, or to not eat those two-week-old leftovers. (Thanks, brain!)

Some of these fears can also go along with emotional experiences—claustrophobia, for example, can be linked to early experiences. You may not have been stuck in an elevator at any point, but you may have a history of being stuck or trapped in other, perhaps figurative, more emotional ways. As a result, seeking and finding safety may have become paramount in your life. Based on the extent of your fears and the lengths to which you go to avoid feeling fearful, I imagine that being vulnerable—as we all are in one way or another—is not something that sits especially well with you.

Can you do anything about being fearful? Well, yes. I think your best bet would be to seek a therapist who specializes in helping people with anxiety, fear, and worry. Starting therapy can be scary too, of course, but working with someone who is grounded, accepting, and knowledgeable about how to help people in your situation is a fine step toward learning how to handle your feelings.

You say you’ve “insulated” yourself as much as “humanly possible,” but you are still afraid and “miserable.” Clearly, the actions you’ve taken to protect yourself, while well-intentioned, aren’t working for you. You yearn for some relief. You ask whether there is a cure. That’s a strong word, and while nothing is guaranteed, I feel confident in saying therapy can help you understand your fears better, which in turn may help you manage them in more effective and productive ways.

I salute you for identifying an issue that is blocking you. You’ve taken a fine first step by writing in and explaining your situation. I wish you well as you take the next step in addressing your fears by partnering with a qualified mental health professional.

Take care,

Lynn

Foreground of photo has face of frightened twenty-something with long hair looking behind at blurred background of person followingStalking. The word alone inspires fear and anxiety in many people. For those of us who have experienced it, it may conjure painful images we never stop seeing, no matter how hard we try.

Although the term is used far too casually in some parts of our society, stalking, as defined, is serious stuff. A crime in many jurisdictions, it generally involves unwanted or obsessive attention, following, harassing, or monitoring behavior that might cause a reasonable person to experience fear.

One out of every six women is stalked in her lifetime, according to data compiled by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Men are stalked too, of course, but much less frequently (one in 19).

I’ve been stalked three times.

The first time it happened, I was around 21 years old. It was 11 at night, I was walking home from a friend’s house, and I noticed someone was following me in a car. This was in the suburbs, and there was no one else out on the street. At first I thought maybe it was my imagination, so I turned up a one-way street going the wrong direction for the driver, expecting him to continue on his way and not follow me. He followed me anyway, and that’s when I knew I was in trouble. Then he got out of his car and exposed himself.

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I ran to the nearest house with lights on and began ringing the doorbell and knocking. The man drove away. Then I realized no one was home in the house I had chosen as my refuge—or maybe they just didn’t want to answer. I hid, cowering on the stoop, and looked around carefully. Finally, when I thought it was safe, I fled.

When I was in my early 30s I was stalked again. Although I wasn’t threatened physically, I was tormented for several months and was left terrified for a long time.

I lived in an apartment house. My apartment was opposite the service stairs, and sometimes I thought I saw someone hiding in the stairwell near the door to my apartment, watching. This happened repeatedly, but I never actually saw anyone’s face—just a disappearing shadow. I almost didn’t believe there was anyone there; the first time, I wondered if it was my imagination. I told my husband, but he never saw anybody and thought it was nothing to worry about.

Then a man got hold of my phone number somehow and called me repeatedly for months. This was the same guy who hung out in the stairwell, I figured. For me, this was confirmation he was real; this was not my imagination. I almost wasn’t sure if that made things better or worse. The only thing I was sure about was I was petrified.

I was often home alone with my new baby at that time. The man phoned repeatedly and seemed to know my every move. I was afraid to leave the house and afraid to stay home, too. I was scared to answer the phone. I told my husband again, but nothing ever happened when he was home. I felt like he didn’t take my fears seriously, and I was so scared. He suggested maybe it was just a lot of wrong numbers. Was I exaggerating?

I wasn’t sleeping much because I had a new baby, and on top of that, now I was too scared to sleep. Every time I sat down to relax, the phone rang, and there was nothing I could do but endure—I could never let my guard down. I started having nightmares.

Sometimes a man with a disguised voice phoned to say nasty things. Other times, I just heard someone breathing. It went on and on, and finally my husband started to worry, too. Once, he intercepted one of the nasty calls and told the guy off, but the calls went on anyway. This was in the time before phone numbers came up when you were called, before you could block specific numbers. I was being tortured, and it felt like it would last forever with no way out. I began feeling helpless and weak. I got very depressed. How could I protect my baby if I couldn’t defend myself?

I contacted the police. The phone company put a tap on my phone, but the person never stayed on long enough to make an ID. A police officer advised me to buy a whistle, and when the person phoned the officer told me to answer the call with a piercing blast of the whistle. That was okay with me. I wanted to blow this guy’s eardrums out! I wanted to cause him as much pain as he was causing me. I wanted revenge. But most of all, I just wanted him to leave me and my baby alone.

Even if you’ve never been physically hurt, the emotional disturbance of knowing someone is out there watching, listening to, or otherwise intending to scare or intimidate you is dreadful, especially if you think you’re trapped and can’t do anything.

The whistle worked. He stopped calling. I wondered who he was, of course, and eventually I found out the person stalking me was my neighbor, somebody I used to smile at and say, “Have a nice day!” to when we bumped into each other in the elevator. He lived two doors away from me.

That all ended a long time ago, but I still always check to make sure that the door to the service stairwell in front of my apartment is securely closed.

Just recently, someone stalked me on the message app on my phone. I’ve blocked that person—one benefit of technology, though there are downsides, too, that allow for cyberstalking.

Some of the people I see in therapy have also been stalked and badly frightened, like I was. One young woman got extra locks put on her door after she broke up with her boyfriend. He called her repeatedly, as often as 20 times a day, and lurked on the street near where she lived. She gave his contact information to her sister and to a friend and instructed them to go to the police if something happened to her—and made sure her ex knew it.

Even if you’ve never been physically hurt, the emotional disturbance of knowing someone is out there watching, listening to, or otherwise intending to scare or intimidate you is dreadful, especially if you think you’re trapped and can’t do anything. Except for a situation like the first one, where I believed I was in immediate physical danger, authorities advise people not to try stopping stalking behavior by themselves, as that could provoke the person to get more aggressive and violent.

They have a point. I’m scared just thinking about the idea. But while I hope this article doesn’t provoke anybody, I won’t be scared into silence. People who stalk tend to try to bully their targets into silence so they can continue their harmful and potentially criminal actions.

What to Do If You Are Stalked

If you believe you are being stalked, the U.S. Department of Justice advises you to trust your instincts and take the behavior seriously.

References:

  1. National intimate partner and sexual violence survey: 2010 summary report. (2010). Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_executive_summary-a.pdf
  2. Stalking. (2016, January 6). The United States Department of Justice. Retrieved from https://www.justice.gov/ovw/stalking
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