While it’s stereotypical to be asked about one’s feelings in therapy, a common counter to that question is, “I don’t know!” or, “I’m not feeling anything right now.”

Part of my job, then, is often to alert people to the possibility they are having a feeling and they may be getting in its way.

Perhaps the most important part of therapy is asking yourself the feelings question when you’re outside of the counseling room. As it turns out, there are some surprising signals that you may be having a feeling. Let’s look at a few possible tells.

Beyond the Story

Feelings have less logic than thoughts. Many people who seek therapeutic support have thought their way backward and forward about their issue, yet they may be missing the emotional aspect.

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Stories are compelling. When a person in therapy is good storyteller, it can be enthralling. Of course, they are probably enthralling to others; they don’t need to pay me to be one more member of their audience. This leaves me with the somewhat challenging job of interjecting.

“Okay, but what are you feeling?” I ask.

Sometimes, there are physical signs of something being experienced internally.

Physical Clues to Feelings

No, I don’t think there is a deeper emotional meaning in everything.

Sometimes a cough is just a cough. But occasionally, if I’m sensing someone is clouding their emotions with some avoidant behavior, I take a chance and ask a strange (if not impertinent) question about what else is happening for them. (My hope is that the person coming to me for support will start doing this on their own, outside of therapy.)

A few examples that might be worded more carefully in the moment:

Sure, some people laugh. Some get angry. But once they sit with these questions, a good 75% of the time we discover something we weren’t talking about that we can now bring into the room.

• Burping: What’s coming up for you? Figuratively, of course.
• Drinking water/coffee/tea: What would happen if you didn’t take that sip right now? What might you be swallowing?
• Going to the bathroom during a session: Is it possible you’re pissed at me?
• Yawns or expressions of fatigue: What feelings are being put to sleep?

Sure, some people laugh. Some get angry. But once they sit with these questions, a good 75% of the time we discover something we weren’t talking about that we can now bring into the room.

I’ve been on the other end. Many times. All of this comes from years of my own therapist asking me these sometimes laughable, sometimes absurd, but often accurate and helpful questions.

Sometimes I just need to pee, but I know how much I’ve worked on my anger, so it doesn’t hurt to take a few minutes to explore if I’m holding back something. Maybe it’s mild irritation that my therapist isn’t “getting me” today. Maybe it’s full-on rage at something I’ve been stuffing.

These are just a few possible cues. You know yourself. What physical tics may be an indication of a feeling for you?

Now What?

The feedback I get after expressing this stuff to a person in therapy is usually, “Okay, now what?”

Well, now you get to let the feeling be. Now you get to come out of your story. Now you get to park your thoughts and see what might be driving. You get to examine what might be getting in the way of connecting to your partner. You get to consider what might be stopping you from following through on tasks for a boss you don’t like.

When you can acknowledge your feeling, you don’t have to spend energy squelching it and hiding it from others.

Hey, you’re one of the lucky ones. You’re in therapy. You can express that feeling without judgment and without it taking control of you.

Who knew a seemingly ill-timed burp could hold so much?

(Excuse me.)

It’s one of the most important questions in therapy. It’s stereotypical. Sometimes, it’s disruptive. It can lead to anxiety and self-examination.

And it’s not going away.

Your therapist asking you what you’re feeling is a staple of most forms of counseling, and for good reason.

What you do with the question can begin to free you.

Yes, we all know therapy is about feelings. Before any of us stepped into a therapist’s office, we probably saw a cartoon, TV show, or movie in which a therapist asked the person sitting across from them: “How does that make you feel?”

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The thing is, people come to therapy for a million different reasons. It could be to deal with depressive or anxious symptoms, trauma, or unhealthy expressions of anger. The list could go on and on.

Few people come to therapy with the stated goal: “I want to better understand and connect with my feelings.” For everyone else, it may not seem productive to be asked each week about what they’re feeling. All they know is they want to feel better!

A common response to the feelings question is frustration and annoyance. Especially if it occurs during a the telling of an event or a story from the past. If you’re focused on something from the weekend or from work, the feelings question may disrupt your flow.

Well-timed, the question can lead to breakthroughs regarding unhelpful patterns, difficult feelings, and negative interpersonal relationships.

Of course, it could be an ill-timed question by the therapist. Maybe it would be more helpful if they waited a bit longer to move you toward reflection. Maybe not, though. Perhaps the question is coming from the therapist’s sense that there are feelings you may be unaware of.

Well-timed, the question can lead to breakthroughs regarding unhelpful patterns, difficult feelings, and negative interpersonal relationships. It can reconnect you with any feelings you may be trying to avoid by overthinking the situation.

So, yes, the question may be an attempt to interrupt and go deeper. But if it’s making you angry, tell your counselor. That’s important information too.

This Is Not a Test

A common response to the feelings question is anxiety or, worse, a sense you’re doing something wrong if you’re not sure what the feeling is. Suddenly, it may feel like you’re being “quizzed” or tested.

This, too, is important information to bring up. The intention is (hopefully!) not to make you feel like a failure. You’re in therapy to learn about yourself and how to better understand your feelings. You’re not expected to know all the answers, let alone anticipate questions. Speak up if you sense pressure to perform or expectation from your counselor.

Remember that “I don’t know” is an acceptable answer. You may not be aware you’re having a feeling because you don’t tend to stop and check in with yourself. If the feelings question comes up, it’s a chance to do that.

And maybe you’re having zero feelings in that moment. Again, good information.

The Feelings Layer Isn’t the Only Layer

Becoming more aware of how you’re feeling at any given moment is not the only aspect of emotional well-being, but it’s an important layer to explore. Knowing your feelings may help you understand your actions better. It can inform your future choices.

Becoming aware of your feelings may help you feel less helpless. It may help you feel more in control.

Perhaps best of all, knowing your feelings gives them less control over you.

What feelings were denied you as a child?

Did your parents or caregivers say:

• “I don’t ever want to hear those words again” in response to your anger?
• “I’ll give you something to cry about” when you felt sad?
• “Don’t touch yourself there” when you experienced pleasure?
• “You don’t really feel that, do you?”—denying your experience altogether?

While some feelings may have been allowed, we’ve all experienced the discomfort of others around our more “negative” emotional expressions. This can be especially problematic in romantic relationships. In his book Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix, PhD explores “forbidden feelings” and the concept of repression. He writes: “Your angry feelings, your sexual feelings, and a host of other ‘antisocial’ thoughts and feelings were pushed deep inside of you and were not allowed to see the light of day.”

Hendrix acknowledges that the rules of emotional expression differ between men and women. Starting in early childhood, what’s “allowed” for boys and what’s “allowed” for girls is clear.

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He notes that, for boys, emotional expression or the expression of empathy is perceived as weakness or fear. Girls, on the other hand, are encouraged toward these tender exchanges.

Males learn to cut off their own emotional experiences, which, in turn, impacts their ability to express themselves clearly and to develop empathy for partners. The cutoff often looks like withdrawal, leaving the more emotionally expressive partner to chase after the distant one.

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In my work with both heterosexual and same-sex couples, I have seen these patterns play out repeatedly. Men and women repress their feelings based on a host of unique factors.

Factors that influence emotional repression date back to early childhood. These can include influential personalities in the person’s family of origin, cultural and religious background, definitions of masculinity and femininity, trauma, the political climate, and more.

Some of my most meaningful work with a person occurs when they learn how to undo their own emotional repression. Here are some of the steps we take to help them emotionally evolve.

1. Learn Emotional Language

When repressed enough, partners lose their ability to retrieve the language of emotions. Evidence of this may include responses such as “I don’t know” or “I can’t describe it” when a person is asked how they feel.

We start small, reviewing the six most basic human emotions: anger, sadness, fear, joy, love, and surprise. But knowing the feelings is not always enough to name them in the moment.

Healthy emotional communication calls for being both a giver and a receiver. Reciprocation of emotional expression provides the richest environment for intimacy to grow.

2. Work from the Outside In

Feelings register in the body. We typically feel our emotions in our throats, behind our eyes, in our torsos (including back and chest), in our bellies, and sometimes in our legs, arms, hands, and feet. Knowing the sensations of the body helps you connect your experience to the learned emotional language. Heat in your cheeks might connect to anger, a lump in your throat might indicate sadness, loss of breath may connect to surprise, and butterflies in the belly or ice-cold palms may mean fear.

Notice your reactions to conversations and experiences, pay attention to your body, and begin to make the connections for yourself.

3. Verbalize the Feeling

Once you tune into the sensation and connect it to the relevant feeling word, you can verbalize the feeling by sharing with your partner. You can say, for example, “I’m aware that I have butterflies in my stomach and that I feel scared,” or, “I can feel my heart pounding right now; I know I’m angry and I need time to cool off.”

Being able to verbalize your feelings gives you and your partner a chance to communicate about what’s fueling them and why they may be uncomfortable.

Conclusion

When you complete all three steps, you’re overcoming emotional repression. You’re no longer detaching from your feelings. You’re no longer denying yourself the right to speak up about your experience. You’re allowing others to know you more deeply.

Of course, there are other feelings words, such as disappointment, loss, confusion, bewilderment, hope, excitement, and more. But for anyone who has a lifetime of emotional repression, the six most basic human emotions often capture enough to name the feeling adequately. As you become more habitual in sensing, naming, and verbalizing your emotions, consider expanding your emotional language to describe how you feel.

For those of you on the receiving end, check in with yourselves. Make sure you want what is offered. Anger, sadness, and fear are generally harder to receive than love, joy, and surprise. Sometimes, people tell me they want their partners to express themselves more fully, but when they do, the receivers struggle to take in what their partners say.

Healthy emotional communication calls for being both a giver and a receiver. Reciprocation of emotional expression provides the richest environment for intimacy to grow. If you are struggling with this, either individually or as a couple, make an appointment with a licensed counselor.

Reference:

Hendrix, H. (2008). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples. New York, NY: Holt Paperbacks.