“You cannot keep birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair.”~ Martin Luther 

Unpleasant, challenging, and, frankly, bad things happen sometimes. They happen in the world, in our relationships, jobs, bodies, finances, and families. Many of these difficulties we can’t prevent. That said, there is one thing we can do. We can say yes to all the things we don’t want.

It’s a paradoxical solution, but it works. Once we accept that things will not always go the way we wish they would, we can more easily accept the unpleasantness, emotional havoc, and frustrations inherent in everyone’s life.

I don’t like those things any more than you do. And, having been on this earth for more than three score and 10, I have even less patience for them now than I used to; however, I know that my job is to bear everything I can. It’s not fun, but it always changes. My job, and maybe it’s yours too, is to find as much joy as possible amid the chaos of even the most predictable life.

As my friend Betsy Johnson likes to say, life gets lifey. I like it as it’s a shorthand way of acknowledging that we’re not going to like it all.

Sometimes, when life gets a little too lifey for your body, mind, and spirit to assimilate with acceptance, let yourself be in a miserable mood. It won’t last. Let yourself get angry. I wouldn’t suggest taking it out on somebody, but you can make it safe to feel the feeling. Let yourself feel anxious, it’s unpleasant, and can feel scary, but it’s temporary.

Slow down. Don’t try to cross everything off your to-do list. The world will still keep spinning on its axis. Allowing time to be with what is helps you cope with the discomfort that often comes from feeling less in control. Trust me, with time you can shift your relationship to the inevitable bad moods, bad news, and unpleasant interactions that are part of even the best life.

Give yourself a break. That might mean wanting less so you can work less, simplifying your social life, doing certain chores less frequently, cooking simpler food, or staring into space. It can be helpful to look at a typical day and ask yourself if everything you spent time on was really necessary, except anything fun or satisfying.

Life is going be how it is, whether we like it or not. And we’re going to get through everything, even if we feel tense, anxious, angry, frustrated, or any other unpleasant emotion. The fact is we managed to live through everything, so far. You don’t have to do it with a great attitude. If you’re not in school anymore, no one is grading you except you, and that brings up another point. A hefty dose of self-compassion goes a long way to helping you be in the moment, however, that moment appears.

Be curious. Curiosity and a willingness to experiment with doing even the littlest thing differently, can save your emotional bacon.

Curiosity and experimentation invite pleasure into your life. What new delight can you discover? How much more can you savor food, music, nature, movement, good company, a book, TV, or anything else that engages your five senses? How much can you savor simply being? I know that’s a tall order in our society that’s hell-bent for leather on doing. You might even get curious and experiment with how it feels to look at the clouds, lie in a relaxing Epsom salt bath, or fully taste whatever food you’re eating.

If you’re paying attention, even the most predictable life is full of ups and downs. Inside you, outside you, and interpersonally. It’s just the way it is. Yes, it would be wonderful if we could roll with those vicissitudes with grace and acceptance, but that’s not always possible. Sometimes, we just react, and it isn’t pretty. By squeezing joy out of as many things as possible, you not only help balance the yin and yang of life but also steal yourself for the times that feel scary or challenging.

If it’s any comfort, know this: none of us came here with a user manual. Living in our little earth suits, interacting with different people, each one whose head is its own world, and facing myriad challenges we never could have imagined as technology complicates our lives, knowledge of world events that gets delivered to us in a nanosecond, and we’re bombarded by choices on a scale never before imagined in the history of humanity can be tough.

Just give yourself a break. It’s not easy being human. Seek out pleasure. Infuse your day with meaning, whether it’s the accomplishment of cleaning the kitchen floor, or doing neurosurgery. Everything is valid, and anything can be as meaningful as you decide it is.

Remember: everyone is just muddling through, no matter what it looks like. You’re living on a spinning blue planet in the middle of trillions of galaxies with 8 billion other people. How could that not be challenging?

Starting today, give yourself a break, take it easy, and enjoy whatever you possibly can.

What is your story you’ve told yourself about why you can’t be fully happy in the present? 

Is it something along the lines of:

I’ll be happy when I get the promotion or pay raise? When I have X amount in my bank account? When I get a nicer car? Bigger house? Better clothes or jewelry? When I can have kids or when my kids are older? When I lose these few pounds or get into shape? or is it something else entirely? 

There are many who believe that they are simply one more thing or accomplishment away from eureka. The problem with our natural human desire to always be wanting is that what we have or who we are will never be enough. When we focus on what we don’t have we will always need something else, and we will always need more.

Within American culture, we work for the weekend, look ahead to holidays, and fantasize about stress free vacations. We dream of bigger houses, newer cars, and the next best thing with the thought that when we get it, we will finally be able to be happy. We look at what we have with disdain and fantasize about how if we just had that next thing we would be made whole. When so much of our time is spent in the future or on what we don’t have, we lose track of being grateful and present in the moment. Somewhere close by, there is somebody who has it worse than you who is happier than you are, how can that be?  

“Until you learn the language of gratitude, you will never be on speaking terms with happiness.” ― Inky Johnson 

There is no steady state of happiness awaiting us when we finally get the thing that we have been longing for. If you did finally become richer, smarter, stronger, more successful than all of your friends, you would likely find new friends that you would need to impress or become anxious at the concern of losing what you have achieved. When we finally get the pay raise we have been pining for perhaps another area of our life has left us wanting. Life is always going to be up and down, but we don’t have to let our peace and happiness go in and out with each ebb and flow of life’s ocean tides. Without a practice of gratitude, the current object of your admiration will eventually wear old and lose its shine.  

The goal is not to be happy at the end of our lives but to be happy along the way. Happy is a journey, not a destination, and it is discovered most simply through a practice of being grateful for who you are and what you have in the moment.  

As a therapist, I work with my clients to strengthen their resilience, to challenge and reframe the negative thought processes that are holding them back, and also to recognize that the life that they crave may be closer and more attainable than they originally thought. I help them to consider what it is that they are truly in pursuit of, beyond whatever may be clouding their vision.  In the end, perhaps it wasn’t a bigger house or nicer car that someone was craving, but rather what those things represent: validation, respect, and belonging. 

 

Nearing the end of my second year of university, I began feeling really down on myself. I had also recently taken a course called abnormal psychology and was admittedly applying a lot of the diagnoses I was learning about for the first time to myself. I started isolating, rarely speaking to anyone, including my two roommates, with whom I’m friends to this day. I felt like a numb zombie walking around campus. Eventually, I walked into a counselor’s office and asked them to prescribe me an antidepressant. I then went straight to the ER (because apparently, counselors can’t do that), and all I had to say was that I was having trouble sleeping, and they wrote a prescription. 

A week or so later (around one week before my first final exam), I was on the phone with my mom and told her I did not want to be alive anymore. There’s not much worse I could have said to the person who loves me more than anyone and who suffered and made countless sacrifices just for me to be alive. But I couldn’t think about any of that. I truly just wanted out. Shortly after this call, I remember Dad showing up. He must have been directed to get on the next flight and bring me home. I remember we tried going to a movie on our way to catch our flight, but I couldn’t do it. There wasn’t anything that was going to distract me from hating myself.  

When I was back home, the shame of not sticking it out and writing my exams was at a 10/10. I rarely left my bed for at least a month, and part of the reason was definitely because if anyone found out that I had moved back home before finishing my final exams, they’d know the truth: I was a loser and a quitter. My parents were forcing me to get “help,” but I felt like I just needed to be left alone. I had this skewed self-concept, and it was only getting worse. Any sort of socializing seemed impossible. I would just stay in my head the entire time. I was completely terrified of any added judgment. 

All the while, I had been taking antidepressants, which only added another layer of shame to it all. “I have to take these pills and I still feel miserable.” After about three months and a couple of trips to the psych ward later, it was decided I should be placed on a “therapeutic dosage.” Within a few days of being on this increased dose, I felt better than ever. The cloud had lifted! However, my behaviour was unusual, to say the least. I would best be described as manic: having an immense amount of energy and ideas that rarely made any sense. 

The antidepressants flipped me too much in the other direction, making me extremely impulsive. I can vaguely remember the nights getting shorter, where three or four hours of sleep turned into one or two hours, and then eventually no sleep—just pacing around frantically, organizing my room, obsessing over nothing, and feeling like I was about to explode. I remember feeling strongly that a relative was passing away and that I was fully experiencing that. I wish I could say that was the only “crazy” thing I exposed my poor family to. 

Eventually, my parents drove me back to the psych ward, and this time I was admitted. I must have slept for like 24 hours that first day. I was taken off the antidepressant (Effexor) and put on an antipsychotic (Risperidone). Rather than being weaned off the antidepressants, they abruptly switched the medication, all because of the symptoms the antidepressant had induced in the first place. Apparently, I was there for two weeks as I experienced withdrawal symptoms, including nightmares, brain fog, and irritability. Eventually, I was allowed to leave for short periods each day. Safe to say I was very ready to get out of there. 

The following semester at school, I only took two courses and worked part-time. As time went on, I slowly detached myself from that whole period of darkness, attempting to focus on the future rather than the past. I have to credit friends and family for the stability and support they provided during all that. I am now (somehow) about 10 years removed from that experience. It took at least four years before I could begin to forgive myself for all of it. 

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on this experience and have chalked the majority of it up to simply being overwhelmed. When I think back, I was away from friends and family, doing a full course load at one of the top academic schools in Canada, spending around 20 hours a week committed to their basketball program, and, most vexing of all, trying to manage a deteriorating long-distance relationship with my first-ever girlfriend. I think I was too young to process the fact that that would be enough for anyone to feel overwhelmed. I lacked the ability to express my overwhelm at the time and became increasingly hard on myself. I lived in rumination and self-doubt. 

If nothing else, that period showed me how fragile one’s mind can be. I am proud of myself for working through my often negative perception of self. I have become much better at coping with challenging life events. Other than time itself, relying on personal and professional support, as well as embracing the writing process, have helped me see things more clearly. I believe I’m telling my story simply with the hope of normalizing mental health issues. Even if it makes a small impact on one person, it won’t be in vain. Thanks for reading. 😊 

Have You Been Feeling Stuck? 

 One of the worst places to be is in a rut. This happens when you feel at a standstill with your career. You don’t necessarily hate your job enough to leave, but you don’t feel excited about staying. This happens in your relationships when you feel unsettled with how things are going. You wish that you were closer to people, felt more connected, and didn’t worry that you’ll end up old without any friends. This shows up with your own goals. You really want to start new routines, get into shape, and spend your time in more meaningful ways. Instead, you find yourself lying in bed, scrolling on your phone, and complaining about how you don’t feel energetic. We call this: 

Stagnation 

Stagnation is a lack of personal movement, growth, or development. This happens when certain areas of your life stop progressing and start feeling stuck. This results in you sticking to the same patterns, routines, or habits despite the fact that they are currently making you unhappy.  

Stagnation Examples 

• I’ve been at the same job for years now and feel unengaged. I wish that I could be doing something different, but I don’t feel like I could find a better job. I try reminding myself that I should be grateful to be working at my job, but the longer I stay the worse I feel.

• I really need to start getting in shape and taking better care of myself. Every time I try a new routine, I don’t stick with it. I don’t feel like I have the time or energy to make any of these commitments work long term. 

• I don’t have a lot of good friends or close family relationships. I desperately want to feel more connected to others, but everything I try to do hasn’t worked. Even when I muster up the energy to spend time with people, the relationships don’t end up going anywhere.  

• My relationships with friends and family seem strained. I don’t like the way that we all talk to each other, and I feel frustrated and discouraged after being around them. I know that we need to change the way we’re talking to each other, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.  

• My relationship with God feels out of place. I’ve been praying, reading the Bible, and attending church but I don’t feel connected or at peace. I don’t feel engaged in my faith even though I’m going through all of the motions. 

What Causes Stagnation 

Being in the same place for too long 

Stagnation can naturally happen when don’t make any changes for a long time. This causes you to become more and more set in your ways and less and less inclined to make changes.  

Discouraging past experiences 

It’s difficult to leave somewhere comfortable when you’ve had bad previous experiences. This is the reason why many people don’t get new jobs, don’t leave partners that are not working out, or avoid taking necessary risks. This makes it hard to imagine how change can make a positive impact on your current circumstances.   

Feeling stressed and burned out 

Making important changes can take a lot of time and energy. If you are constantly feeling drained from your everyday life, it’s more difficult to spend time on changing your circumstances.  

Stress that is not quite overwhelming 

It’s hard to motivate yourself to get out of a rut if things are not in a crisis. Stagnation causes pain over a long period of time that is easy to cope with in the moment but has a strong toxic effect over time. This is why you might wait years before finally deciding that you’ve had enough waiting around. 

Being too busy 

It’s easy to not make progress on important goals when you’re too busy. All of your time and energy gets sucked into other things leaving you with no energy to spend on creating movement on your goals. 

Hope that things will resolve without you having to do anything 

Sometimes you can get lucky and your problems will work themselves out. Most of the time, waiting around makes problems harder to deal with and build up dread.  

Distractions 

Spending too much time on your phone, browsing social media, or watching TV kills motivation.   

The good news is that there are several things that you can incorporate to get through stagnation. 

Tips For Getting Through Stagnation 

Stop making excuses 

There are so many good reasons for why your life is stagnating right now. That’s the problem. Instead of focusing on all of the reasons for why you are stagnating, take responsibility for the things that you can change in your life.   

Focus on the next action step 

Any type of movement helps breaking the cycle of stagnating. Do you want to get into better physical shape? Commit to taking a walk every day. Are you feeling lonely and isolated from others? Start reaching out to people you know and try to broaden your social circle. Do you feel disengaged from work? Make a plan for how you can change your role at work or start networking with other people and exploring new positions. 

 Bring others in for support 

It’s much easier to stay accountable when other people are keeping you on track. Find trusted individuals who care about you, are willing to help you out, and will actually be helpful in your pursuit to making changes. These can also include bringing in a professional, such as a therapist, personal trainer, or career coach. If you know that you don’t have enough motivation to see your goals through, then make the decision to include someone who will make a difference.  

Refuse to do nothing 

Not doing anything about a problem is a decision. Stop making that decision. Instead, commit to making a decision about how to solve your problem. Are you unsure how to proceed? Do things that bring clarity. Are you unhappy with something happening in your relationship? Commit to a time to start a conversation. Refuse to be someone who sits on problems indefinitely. 

Stop waiting for the right time or perfect decision 

Most decisions are better than delaying a decision with stagnation. Having some form of movement in your life makes it easier to build momentum for bigger changes. Don’t know what job to apply for? Just make yourself apply for something. Unsure about whether to get a gym membership or start a private workout plan? Start going on walks and working out at home before deciding. Don’t know when would be a good time to have an important conversation? Schedule a time with the person for when to have the conversation. 

Set some deadlines 

Set up a time for when you can have any important conversation, look for a new job, or start a new routine. There are few good excuses for why you can’t simply set a deadline for what needs to be done and how you are planning to resolve it.  

Stop wasting your time 

Excessively being on your phone, watching tv, or browsing social media makes you feel less motivated to change. Additionally, these things take up valuable time that you could be reinvesting to meeting your goals.  

Push yourself to make a decision 

A lot of decisions are hard to make because you don’t have clarity on what you should do. Even though lacking clarity is difficult, this does not make refusing to make a decision a better choice. Being in the drivers seat of your decision making gives you more confidence and control over your outcome. If you refuse to make a decision, then you are responsible for what happens since you could have acted sooner.  

Questions And Challenges for You To Consider: 

What areas of your life are stagnating?  

What are the reasons why you are stagnating? 

How can you take a single step to create movement in your life? 

Have you awakened to a deeper sense of yourself, a connection to something beyond the physical world? A shift in spiritual consciousness can be a powerful and transformative experience, but it’s accompanied by a spectrum of emotions.  

While this journey can be exciting, it can also be challenging and overwhelming sometimes including an increase in anxiety or other mental health symptoms.  

As you navigate this new terrain, you might find yourself seeking guidance and support to understand your experiences, integrate them into your life, and find balance. This is where a therapist who understands your spiritual journey can be invaluable. 

The Journey of Spiritual Awakening 

Spiritual awakening is a personal process, but it often involves a shift in consciousness. You may experience heightened senses, a connection to nature that feels deeper than ever before, or a feeling of oneness with all things.  

You might also have vivid dreams, receive messages through intuition, or have a newfound sense of purpose. This expansion of spiritual consciousness can be incredibly exciting, but it can also be disorienting. 

Traditional Therapy and Holistic Therapy Explored 

Traditional therapy is important, and it can be helpful to improve mental health symptoms. It often focuses primarily on the mind and behavior which can be very helpful. However, it might not resonate with you if you’re seeking a holistic approach that integrates your spirituality and intuition. Holistic therapy, on the other hand, takes into account all of you; mind, body, and spirit.  

Perhaps you’ve had experiences like: 

• Feeling dismissed or misunderstood when discussing spiritual experiences with a therapist. 

• Finding traditional therapy techniques doesn’t fully address the root cause of your issues, which may stem from a disconnect between your spiritual self and your everyday life. 

• Struggling to find a therapist who understands the unique challenges of integrating spiritual growth with emotional well-being. 

Benefits of Therapy for the Spiritually Awakened 

The good news is, there are therapists who specialize in working with spiritually conscious individuals. These therapists understand the importance of intuition and spirituality in your healing journey. They can create a safe space for you to explore these aspects of yourself, helping you integrate your beliefs and abilities into your everyday life. 

Here’s what you can expect from a therapist who embraces your spiritual awakening: 

• Validation of Your Intuition: No more feeling like your gut feelings are unimportant. A holistic therapist will validate your intuition and help you learn to trust it as a valuable tool for self-discovery. They may even incorporate practices like meditation or dream analysis to help you strengthen your intuition.

• Exploring Your Spiritual Journey: They’ll create a space for you to openly discuss your spiritual experiences and how they’re impacting your life. This could involve exploring past life regressions (if that resonates with you), understanding the role of synchronicity in your life, or delving into the concept of your soul purpose.

• Therapy Tailored to Your Whole Self: By integrating your intuition, spiritual beliefs, and the traditional therapeutic framework, your therapist will help you create a holistic approach to healing and growth. This might involve incorporating practices like mindfulness, energy work, or chakra balancing alongside traditional talk therapy. 

Finding the Perfect Fit 

Ultimately, the most important thing is finding a therapist who feels like the right fit for you.  

Don’t be afraid to interview a few therapists before making a decision. Here are some tips for finding a therapist who aligns with your needs: 

• Search for Therapists Who Specialize in: 

• • Integrative Therapy 

• • Holistic Therapy 

• • Spiritual Counseling 

• • Transpersonal Therapy 

• • Intuition-Based Therapy (This term may be less common, but you can still use it in your search)

• Look for Reviews that Mention Spirituality: Many therapy platforms allow clients to leave reviews. Look for reviews that mention the therapist’s openness to spirituality or a holistic approach.

• Many therapists list their areas of expertise on their websites or online profiles. Look for therapists who mention spirituality, intuition, or a holistic approach in their descriptions.

• Professional Networks like Good Therapy (https://goodtherapy.org/) can be a helpful resource for finding therapists in your area who specialize in holistic approaches. Good therapy has advanced search options, such as types of therapy. Spirituality is an option that would help focus your search.

• Consider Alternative Resources: Some spiritual communities or yoga studios may offer workshops or classes led by therapists who specialize in spiritual growth. 

Living Your Awakening 

Integrating your spiritual awakening into your daily life is an ongoing process. Finding a therapist who resonates with your journey can be an expansive tool for growth and self-discovery.  

Trust your intuition, ask questions, and work with a therapist who understands and embraces the whole you. 

On doing things we don’t want to do when doing them would be good for us.  

-Reed Maxwell, Ph.D., ABPP (Clinical)  

One of the most common obstacles people confront in psychotherapy, especially in therapies using behavioral techniques, is inertia. 

In physics, inertia means (1) a thing that is not moving will stay not moving; or, (2) a thing that is moving in a specific direction will stay moving in that direction unless or until some force compels either one to do differently. 

When we feel depressed or otherwise down, apathetic, helpless, and so on, we often experience a psychological inertia of sorts. We find it difficult to do things that we know would be good for us to do (we stay at rest), or conversely, we find it difficult to stop doing things that we know are not good for us to do (we stay in motion). Depression seems to quash our capacity (force) to do differently. It renders us inert. For simplicity, we will use “depression” as shorthand for a spectrum of negative feelings. 

People often express their experience of inertia by saying, in one way or another, “I know I should do differently, but I can’t seem to make myself.” Oftentimes, people feel additional guilt, shame, and anger at themselves about this experience. These additional feelings make matters worse. 

Wanting: The Missing Link Between Knowing and Doing? 

When I ask folks why they cannot “make themselves” do things, they might say, in one way or another, “I want to do it, but I also don’t ‘want’ to do it.” They seem to mean, “I know I would do well to do this, but I don’t have the want required to make the doing happen.” Many people seem to pinpoint a lack of want as the missing link between (a) knowing or believing that doing a thing would be good for them; and, (b) doing the thing. 

So why does want go away? To put it roughly, when we feel depressed, we often feel less satisfied, gratified, pleased, and so on, by the things we do. And naturally, when we feel fewer or less of these feelings after we do those things, we experience less interest in doing or motivation to do them. Psychologists call this lack of interest or motivation anhedonia. 

And yet, we know there are some things we simply must do. Furthermore, we often surmise we might at least stave off worse feelings if we do some of them. 

And so, we ask ourselves, “How do we do things that would be good for us to do when we don’t want to do them?” There is no simple answer, but, I have some thoughts. 

Some of what follows might strike some readers as overly dense, abstract, or otherwise “heady.” Please bear with me. 

Does Not Wanting to Do Mean We Can’t Do? A Cognitive Approach

First, let’s talk about what it means to want. Sometimes, we do things in life because we want the experiences of doing them. For example, we want to eat our favorite foods because we want the experiences of eating them, and we want to listen to our favorite songs because we want the experiences of listening to them. On the other hand, we do many other things in life without wanting the experiences of doing them. For example, we wash our bedding, clean our toilets, pay our bills and so forth, often without wanting the experiences of doing them. We do such things because we want the outcomes or effects of doing them (e.g., fresh bedding, clean toilets, paid bills and so forth). 

In effect, we either want to do a thing for the sake of doing it or we want to do a thing for the sake of its consequence(s) or outcome(s). 

From what I have observed, depression disrupts either or both types of want. Sometimes, less severe depression seems to diminish the first type of want (wanting to do a thing for the sake of doing it) while leaving the second type (wanting to do a thing for the sake of its outcome) mostly unimpacted. On the other hand, more severe depression seems to disrupt both. 

When depression takes away want, we might look at how we can start doing without wanting. 

As we have noted, many folks seem to believe, without question, that wanting must or should come before doing. Consequently, we fret about our lack of wanting (e.g., we berate ourselves for “not caring enough” or for “being unmotivated”) when we feel depressed, and we hope that we will start wanting again so that we can start doing again. Many times, this fretting about not wanting and waiting to want again only worsens our depression. In these times, our belief that wanting must or should come before doing gets in our way (i.e., it leads us to feel unhelpful secondary emotions about our lack of want) 

Getting Wanting Out of the Way 

Can we move away from the belief that we must or should want to do before we can do and move towards a belief that we can do whether we want to or not? If we can, then we might surprise ourselves with what we can do after we (1) stop fretting about not wanting; and, (2) stop waiting to want to do again. 

However, the belief that wanting must or should come before doing is a deep belief for many of us. So, we might begin to counter this belief using cognitive and behavioral strategies that help us start doing things again when wanting to do them is not happening. For example, here are two affirmations to help us move towards a belief that we can do whether we want to or not: 

1. “I am not bad, broken, or otherwise flawed for not wanting to do things at the moment.” 

1. “I am able to do even if I do not want to do” 

From here, psychotherapy can help us further strategize how to get things done without want. 

Find a “Workaround” Want 

Sometimes, if we do not want to do a thing for either the experience of doing it or the outcome(s) that happen(s) from doing it, we might be able to associate doing it with some other experience or outcome that we do want. We can then use this “workaround want” to help us do the thing. Here are some examples of workaround wants: 

• T. does not want to clean their home, but they do want to listen to the latest episode of their favorite podcast, so they listen to the episode while cleaning their home. 

• D. does not want to play board games with their friends this week, but they do want to meet their goal for weekly socializing, so they play board games with their friends in order to meet their goal. 

Psychotherapy can help us identify our unique workaround wants that we can use to help us do things we don’t want to do when doing them would be good for us. 

Appeal to Reason 

Sometimes, an appeal to reason or logic might compel us to do things whether we want to do them or not. We may consider this line of reasoning where X stands for anything that would be good for us to do: 

1. We have evidence that not doing X means that we feel or will feel either the same or worse than we presently do 

1. We do not know how we will feel if we do X consistently (e.g., for one week or longer) 

1. Not wanting to do X right now is not evidence that doing X consistently will make us feel no differently from how we feel right now (see WE UNDERESTIMATE THE REWARD WE WILL FEEL) 

1. If continuing to not do X means feeling the same or worse, and doing X consistently means we might feel differently, then it is reasonable to do X consistently whether we want to do it or not (i.e., it is reasonable to find out what will happen) 

We Underestimate the Reward We Will Feel 

Most of us can remember a time or times when we did something we either (a) did not want to do; or, (b) had never done before, and were pleasantly surprised by how much fun we had, how interesting it was, and so on. 

Oftentimes, I ask people to consider these times when they feel depressed and do not want to do things they either know or at least suspect would be good for them to do. 

Researchers and experienced therapists agree that we often underestimate the amount of satisfaction we will feel if we do things that are good for us to do when we feel depressed. 

Consequently, we have good reason to assume that we will feel better than we think we will feel if we do things that are good for us to do when we feel depressed. We can use this assumption to help us do things when we do not want to do them while depressed. 

Summary

As we have noted, doing things we don’t want to do when doing them would be good for us is no easy feat. In fact, it is one of the most common and recurring problems folks encounter in psychotherapy. Nevertheless, psychotherapy can help us find ways to overcome psychological inertia and get back to doing the things that are good for us to do. 

 

When you live from your intuitive core, your belly, your heart, let your soul lead and spirit guide you, your words and actions will be naturally subversive.

You will go to your edge. You will soften. Become wildly tender.

The question is, will you wholly inhabit your own revolution? In beauty? This inner revolution is a perpetual ceremony of the heart. It’s what you are for.

When you are real, cooked down to the essence, rather than half-baked to get approval, to look good, the projections from others may fly, seek you out, and try to stick to you. Don’t let them. Instead, let your authenticity support you in carrying on whole-hearted, vulnerable conversations to resolve whatever arises. It is hard work. Uncomfortable. Deeply human. Can be harrowing. And often downright amazing. Intimate. Naked. Courageous work is marked by our solid presence. Here. Now.

I’d rather be whole than good, C. G. Jung said. And by whole, he meant real, messy, ensouled, deeply human, heartbroken open with compassion flowing first to ourselves, to resource and prepare to let it flow widely, to others.

Being too comfortable, amenable, pliable to the point of contorting yourself — is a ticket to selling your soul right up the river. Don’t buy it. When you live from your own knowingness, from your gut and your wildly-rooted intelligence, you feel alive. Genuinely, creatively alive.

What is Your Authentic Self? 

Being real — true to your Self, your soul — is gritty. And grit causes friction, and makes fire to clear the way for living a revolutionary act. This act is marked by the action that the earth and the soul of the world are crying out for. And the cry is going to get louder, more pain-filled, and grievous before enough souls answer wholeheartedly.

When you get real, it is actually not about you. Your individual program is only the ground from which you step. From which you step and choose whether you will make this life of yours a walk of grit and beauty, or one of accommodation to the forces that insist you do it their way, be well-behaved, produce, consume, make nice, and as the poet, Mary Oliver says, “barely breathing and calling it a life.”

Thing is we’re not talking a self-improvement project; that’s only the gateway. We are being used, so to speak; one way or the other, we go consciously, or we are abducted — individually and collectively, now. So it’s a great time to dive in.

When we realize we have no choice but to offer ourselves up — like a sacrifice — to the mystery of being alive, this guidance insists on shaping us as a soul-centered contributor. And we’re in it! Soul’s got us. And the mystery carries us along. We’re goners to those egoic, mechanistic, competitive ways; the ways that have undone the earth and so many souls who walk the earth, swim her waters, send roots down into her, and watch from the skies.

To inhabit your own core, your vital, knowing center, and a soul-centered way of being, you need to do the inner excavation. What we call, in Jungian psychology-speak, Shadow work and in shamanic-speak, Underworld soul work, including ego-dismemberment work to heal old wounds and retrieve parts of your soul you had otherwise disowned or split off. We need these pieces of our souls, as well as aspects of our bodies, and our connection with Spirit, and with the earth, along with the Other-than-human-ones and wild intelligent forms of life — to feel deliciously alive, ready to roll, to care for our own souls and look out for others. 

This is real adult work, asking everything of you. And will alter your world completely, but before that happens you’ll be met with severing old ways, dismemberment, metaphoric death, dreams, visions — both lovely and horrifically heart-pounding, yummy, gut-wrenching, Beauty, raging tears, sweet snot, broken open heart, blue-shimmering darkness, warm, comforting light. Rebirth. Love. Hope. A deep sense of connection with it all. And a palpable knowing of what you are for.

So it’s a slow dive, a conscious descent into the depths of your soul, the dark ground of your being and your dreams: the Underworld of your psyche. This is vital work — no way around it — to discover what you’ve tucked away in the archetypal Shadow of your own psyche. If you’re lucky you will unearth what you had otherwise disowned to adapt to the egoic, mechanistic, competitive, earth-ravaging ways of modern Western culture. And most often, these pieces of your otherwise whole psyche that you had disowned are what makes you utterly You. Beautifully. Creatively. Wildly alive. Authentically so. You. And you are needed here.

Your essential soul’s powers — what you were born with before you lost track of them and they, you — are to be found there, in that excavation into your dark depths, awaiting you to carry them home like mama leopard carries kitties. With a fierce tenderness, knowing that all life — yours, your beloveds, the earth, humans, and other than humans — is at stake. The world needs you to be fully alive. Real. The world needs you to find, bring home, and embody your soul’s gifts and healing powers. It’s messy work. It’s what we are for.

When you are transparent, you will stand out as you are truly seen. When you are transparent, others can “see through” you into you as your heart and true essence shine. You are clear, direct, and kind. You are not an enigma; you don’t leave people scratching their heads wondering what you just said and did.

You do not hide. You are honest to the bone. You are courage enfleshed.

What Does it Mean to be Congruent? 

When you are congruent, you are wholistically aligned. What you think, say, feel in your heart, feel in your body, and your actions will line up to support and reflect each other. You know it in your body, often in your gut, when you put your attention there.

Congruent. Authenticity happens in the guts and bowels of your life. Being authentic is the grunt work of the soul, of any deeply human, spiritual path. Being half here, half there, half-hearted, faking it to look good, strategizing to make things easier for yourself — that’s the common way of the unconscious clotted middle, driven by our egoic, addicted culture. It’s a way that lacks wholeheartedness. Lacks real courage to let the heartbreak. Shatter. Broken whole and holy open to finally know compassion for self, others, and earth. To live and love — on fire, fully alive. 

Being authentic and soul-centered costs you your ticket to ride from the collective mainstream to the illusion of safety and security. And opens the door to your bloody and glistening, broken whole heart — reveals to you the honey of this wildly delicious, messy life. Leaves you and those you touch, feeling radically free. Without choice now. Solid and light. Authenticity strips away all that is NOT real. All that is not made from love, to love. All that is of enriched soul and in-spired Spirit remains. There is no living a soul-centered life without being authentic — without mustering the courage to do the excavating in the dark: the Shadow work.

Again, C. G. Jung: “People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls.”

What will you do? 

My kids are 25 and 22 years old. Youngest is still in college, finishing his last year, but it feels as if he’s really left the nest. I never understood the loss associated with an empty nest, because when I was in the thick of it, nothing sounded better – an empty (clean) house!

But now I understand. This phase is not just about your kids moving out of the house, it’s about a shift in purpose, community, relationships and identity. Psychologist Elliot Jacques called this mid-life period a “second adolescence” and that makes sense to me. These days I frequently feel like I did when I was 13 – uncertain, insecure, shy, and disconnected.

So how do we get through this second adolescence? Well, the beauty of an “adolescent” period in your 50s or 60s is that you have life experiences (and maturity?) to lean back on.

The first step is to embrace it!

Get comfortable with the uncomfortable. This type of psychological flexibility is one of the greatest gifts you can give your second adolescent self because it allows space for feeling “awkward”. Don’t beat yourself up, don’t judge your emotions, and don’t assume your peers are doing any better. This is a normal life transition, you’re not alone, and the changes you’re going through now can lead to significant personal growth.

Second step, start seeking.

Just like you did in your teens, you will have to find “your people.” A great place to start is with your interests. What hobbies fell by the wayside in the last couple of decades? What activities sound fun? (Pickleball anyone?) Is there something you’d like to learn? An empty nest probably equates to more time for yourself, so let’s put it to good use.

The third important step is to practice gratitude.

With each chapter of life there are losses and gains, not always in equal measure. We deserve to acknowledge the losses and express our feelings about life’s transitions, but we also need to acknowledge the gifts along the way. This can be hard, particularly when we’re feeling bad, but expressing gratitude is not just a nice sentiment. Science shows that expressing gratitude actually increases dopamine and serotonin, the feel-good chemicals in our brains, which in turn improves our mood.

So, stop texting with your friends and get off the couch! The key to change is action. Do one of these three steps today and you’ll feel better tomorrow.