Starting therapy can feel hard to explain.
Sometimes there is a clear reason. A loss. A breakup. Burnout. A period of anxiety that has become impossible to ignore.
Other times, the feeling is more subtle. Life may look fine from the outside, but something internally feels off. You may feel stuck, disconnected, overwhelmed, or simply no longer at ease in your own life.
For therapist Brooke Pomerantz, that in between space matters. It is often where the most meaningful work begins.
A licensed clinical social worker who has been in private practice since 2007, Brooke works with adults and young adults in Oakland and via telehealth. Many of the people she supports are highly capable, thoughtful, and outwardly successful, yet privately struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, burnout, or a deeper sense of dissatisfaction they cannot quite name.
What stands out most in Brooke’s approach is not just what she helps clients work through, but how she meets them there. Her philosophy is grounded in curiosity, patience, and the belief that every person deserves to be understood as an individual, not reduced to a category or rushed into change before they are ready.
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Video Interview: Watch the Conversation with Brooke PomerantzHear Brooke discuss starting therapy, feeling safe with a therapist, and finding the right fit. |
Why starting therapy can feel so hard
For people starting therapy for the first time, I acknowledge that the experience can feel vulnerable and anxiety-inducing. That anxiety, she says, is not a sign that something is going wrong. It is often part of the process. A competent therapist can recognize this vulnerability and adjust the pace of treatment at a pace that works best for their client. This is why the initial sessions are a huge opportunity for both the individual and the therapist to assess if they are a good match and whether the individual has an agency in the process.
What to do if you feel anxious about therapy
It’s simple. Name the feeling. Saying “I feel anxious being here” can lead to a much deeper and sincere conversation. It gives both therapist and client somewhere real to begin. Instead of trying to arrive with everything figured out, a person can start from what is true in the moment. It also gives them a chance to notice if they feel safe, understood, and ready to share their experiences in a particular setup with the therapist in question.
A gentle first sentenceIf starting feels awkward, a simple sentence like “I feel anxious being here” can be enough to open the door. |
Can therapy help even if nothing feels wrong?
Yes. Therapy does not only belong to moments of crisis or chaos. It can also be a place to think more deeply about your life, understand your patterns, strengthen your relationships, and develop a more connected relationship with yourself. Even when someone says they are “fine,” there is often something underneath that is asking to be explored.
That idea makes therapy feel less like an emergency response and more like a meaningful form of self-reflection. It becomes a space to pause, take stock, and ask harder questions about how you are living and what you may need next.
What makes your practice unique, and how do you know if you’re a good fit for a client?
It is about being intentional about not getting ahead of the person in front of you. As therapists, we need to understand each person in the context of their own life, strengths, challenges, and readiness for change. That means honoring where someone is, instead of pushing them toward where they “should” be.
This way of working can be especially supportive for people who are used to pressuring themselves. Like many of my clients who are high functioning and driven. They may look successful on the outside while internally feeling exhausted, unhappy, perfectionistic, or chronically disconnected from their own needs. I also work with young adults who are having trouble launching into adulthood, perhaps having had setbacks like a mental health crisis, and need support navigating the transition.
How to cope when life feels emotionally overwhelming
When life feels overwhelming, it can help to slow everything down and focus on getting through one moment or one hour at a time. Reducing the size of the problem can make it feel more survivable. And when depression or hopelessness makes action feel nearly impossible, even a very small step can matter. A walk. A phone call. Any small movement or action can combat the tendency to retreat and feel paralyzed.
There is something deeply humane about that advice. It does not romanticize healing or pretends that change is easy. It simply offers a gentler entry point.
How to find the right therapist for your needs
Finding a therapist is rarely a one size fits all process. It is highly individual. People may begin by exploring therapist directories, asking for referrals from their community, or looking for someone with a shared background or area of expertise. What matters most is finding someone with whom you feel safe and someone you believe can understand you and help with the areas where you feel stuck.
A simple way to begin is:
1. Read a few therapist profiles carefullyNotice how therapists describe their approach, specialties, and the kinds of clients they work with. |
2. Look for what feels alignedShared identity, expertise, communication style, or lived experience may all play a role in helping you feel understood. |
3. Take the next step to assess fitA consultation or follow up call can help you decide whether the connection feels right. |
This is one reason directories like GoodTherapy can be a helpful place to start. They make it easier to explore therapist profiles, understand different approaches, and find a therapist whose style feels aligned with what you need.
For therapists, it is also a reminder that a thoughtful profile matters. The clearer you are about your approach and who you help, the easier it is for the right clients to find and connect with you.
The right support can change everything
Brooke Pomerantz’s approach reminds us that therapy is not about having everything figured out before you begin. It is about making sense of your feelings and things that are weighing you down and channeling it into an effort to find a space where you can be honest and feel safe. Her reflections offer something deeply reassuring that growth can happen at your own pace, that support can be valuable even before a crisis, and that the right therapeutic relationship can help you move through life with greater clarity and self-awareness.
If Brooke’s words resonated with you, take a moment to explore her GoodTherapy profile and learn more about her approach. If you are still looking for the right fit, browse GoodTherapy’s therapist directory to find a provider whose style, perspective, and approach align with your needs.
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Ready to find the right therapist?Explore GoodTherapy’s directory of vetted professionals and find someone whose approach aligns with your needs. |
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What makes therapy work isn’t always what people expect. It’s not the credentials on the wall or even the specific modality a therapist uses. Linda Baker, PsyD, MA is a Denver-based licensed clinical psychologist and GoodTherapy member, has spent her career helping people find what they need: a therapeutic space where they feel genuinely safe, seen, and understood.
With a background that spans men’s correctional facilities, international disaster psychology, and trauma-informed care, Dr. Baker brings a rich and unexpected depth to her practice. Today, she works primarily with men using a hybrid of Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), a combination she developed over years.
We sat down with Dr. Baker to talk about what first-timers should know before walking into therapy, how she creates emotional safety for her clients, and the one mindset shift she shares with almost everyone she works with.
Read More: Take Our Quiz to Start Your Healing Journey
 LIVE INTERVIEW: Watch the Conversation with LINDA BAKER
Q&A with Linda Baker
Q: What should someone know before their very first therapy session?
Linda:
If you look statistically and you look at the research around positive therapy outcomes, the number one indicator of positive therapy outcomes is about goodness of fit. It doesn’t matter if somebody’s CBT trained, it doesn’t matter if they’re ACT trained, it doesn’t matter their modality. What really matters is how comfortable you feel with that person, if you feel like you could feel safe, if you feel heard…The more honest and authentic you can be, obviously, the better the therapy process is going to go.
If you meet with somebody and it doesn’t feel like a good fit, it’s totally okay to move on. There are so many different kinds of clinicians out there and there’s absolutely an opportunity to find somebody that you just feel safe and seen and heard with…
It’s sort of like dating. You’re allowed to go and meet and see how it feels and maybe give somebody a second shot if you’re sort of curious. And if it’s just not right, it’s not right.
Q: What if you know something feels off, but you can’t explain what it is?
Linda:
I think that’s sort of the whole purpose of therapy, actually. People [often]…notice a behavior…a feeling,…a mood shift,…[or] something sort of internally. And it’s actually really common for people to not know exactly what’s going on for them, especially when so many of our root issues come from historical experiences. It’s really hard to name that when we grow up and become adults.
[Therapy] gently brings that internal struggle to the surface and gives a voice to it. So then people can really understand what’s happening for them, and then they know what to do about it. That’s the good news about therapy, right? We can see what the issue is, we can name it, and then there’s a plan. There’s hope that can come from it.
It could be something really mild — I just feel really off and I don’t know why, or my energy or my motivation has really shifted, or my sleep is off, or I’ve been really moody with my partner….And that’s kind of the whole point of therapy: we sort of translate that for folks.
Q: Why does it matter to find a therapist who truly gets you?
Linda:
You have to feel really safe. I don’t mean just physically safe, but you have to feel emotionally safe with the provider you’re working with because this experience is so intrinsically vulnerable and it’s so intimate.
I have sort of a recipe for safety. For me, safety is consistency, predictability, and reliability. If a clinician shows up in those ways, then oftentimes what that does to the client’s nervous system is it helps them take a nice deep breath. So for me, whoever the client is, hopefully that therapist has expertise in working with all sorts of people. And regardless of their demographic or their background, what’s important for a clinician is to make sure that you’re providing that super safe, consistent, reliable, predictable space so the client can explore whatever those deep vulnerabilities are for them.
Q: How do you create emotional safety for your clients?
Linda:
I think a big one for me is showing up authentically…It’s so important to be really mindful and attuned to yourself coming into sessions. So if that means meditating, if that means going outside, if that means a hot bath, tea — whatever the thing is to ground you. To me, that’s so important. So you can show up and really be present and have an internal openness with clients…even clients virtually can sense when you’ve got space and room for them.
It’s hard because there’s so many things going on in the world and life is hard. But to me, it’s crucial for therapists to make sure that they’ve got internal room so they can provide it for the client. So then we’ve got this space we’ve co-created where we both can explore and make sense of things.
Q: How would you describe your approach to therapy?
Linda:
I’m classically CBT trained. That was kind of the approach when I was in school. I’ve since shifted into Internal Family Systems. [For] Internal Family Systems…I conceptualize all of us like we’re a bus and we’ve got all these different parts of us riding on the bus. Depending on the environment, a part of us will hop up and grab the wheel. Sometimes that’s really beautiful because it’ll drive us into prosperity [and] we make good choices. Sometimes the part is pretty problematic and drives us into a ditch…
We’re not…making people feel more ashamed around whatever the issue is that they’re having. It’s about approaching a part with genuine curiosity, understanding, compassion, and acceptance. That feels really important to me.
In terms of what makes me different as a clinician… I went through school wanting to work with women…[But] I kept getting shuffled into working with men, [including] men’s prisons, men’s jail, halfway houses, those sorts of things. And now…over half my practice is working with men. I get to use my deeply feminist intentions and background to help men behave differently in their relationships. It’s sort of an inadvertent way of helping the population I was really focused on originally, by helping the demographic that has a lot of interaction and impact on them.
I was also the second ever graduating class from the University of Denver’s International Disaster Psychology program, so I’m very deeply trained in trauma [and] working with refugees, asylum seekers, high-intensity circumstances. I would strongly recommend people to have a really good foundation around trauma because it’s so pervasive and it really shows up with whoever you’re working with.
Q: What’s one mindset shift that helps people start feeling better?
Linda:
One thing I say to clients constantly is: it’s not a problem unless it’s a problem. Clients will come to me and [their beliefs are] based off of our culture, based off of these pressures, or based off of what they grew up believing.
And it’s so interesting when you really get into clinical work with most clients: a lot of times things are not what they seem. Sometimes the concept or the value that they’re bouncing off of isn’t actually their own. It was something that was ingrained in them via culture, via family of origin, or their own history…I say to folks all the time: maybe this isn’t as bad as you think it is, and maybe it’s not actually a problem in terms of aligning with your own values and what matters for you.
Q: Is there any other advice or thoughts you want to share for clients or clinicians?
Linda:
Something I would recommend to therapists…is finding your own voice around what makes the most sense to you because then it’ll make the most sense to clients.
[Also,] check in with your clients. There’s this idea of trying to get it right all the time, and I think in this field there’s a good amount of perfectionism. It’s so important to ask clients Is this going well for you? Is it not going well for you? What feels good? What doesn’t feel good?
I’d strongly encourage clients: all you have to do when you come to therapy is show up and be yourself. That sounds really simple, but in a lot of circumstances, it’s so hard because it does feel so exposing and vulnerable. So I just really encourage people to take the leap and just see how it goes…Trust your gut, trust your insights, and then go from there.
You don’t have to wait until it gets so bad that you don’t know what to do next or you feel incapacitated. Therapy is a luxury…we get to have this experience, we get to have these opportunities…If you have access, take advantage of it. There are people out there that are good at helping, that are interested in helping. And you don’t have to suffer alone.
The First Step Means Taking a Leap of Faith
Linda Baker’s journey — from disaster psychology and correctional facilities to a thriving private practice — proves that the most meaningful work often finds us in unexpected ways. Whether you’re a first-time therapy-seeker trying to quiet that sense that something is off, or a clinician looking to refine your own approach, Dr. Baker’s insights offer something rare: clinical wisdom delivered without pretense, and a genuine belief that the right support can change everything.
If her words resonated with you, we encourage you to take that next step. Browse GoodTherapy’s therapist directory to find a provider who feels like the right fit that creates a consistent, safe space for you to grow.
Read More: Ready to Find Your Therapist?
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Starting therapy can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re not quite sure what to expect or where to begin. For Anna Aslanian, a licensed therapist at GoodTherapy, helping clients navigate that uncertainty is at the heart of her practice. With extensive training in evidence-based modalities including Gottman Method couples therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and attachment-focused EMDR, Anna brings both expertise and compassion to her work with adults seeking support for anxiety, depression, relationship challenges, and trauma.
In this Member Spotlight, Anna shares valuable insights on what makes therapy successful, from finding the right therapeutic fit to understanding that you don’t need to have all the answers before you start. Whether you’re considering therapy for the first time or looking to deepen your understanding of the process, her perspective offers reassurance that healing is possible when you find a therapist who truly gets you.
Read More:
Take Our Quiz to Start Your Healing Journey
LIVE INTERVIEW: Watch the Conversation with Anna Aslanian
Q&A with Anna Aslanian
Q: For those who have never been to therapy, what should they know about starting their first session?
Anna:
I think it can be nerve-wracking to start therapy, and a lot of people have different ideas of what therapy is… It’s very different. If you’re looking for a therapist and it’s your first time, I have two tips that I think would make this successful.
Number one, look for someone who is specializing in what you’re looking for. So if you’re looking for therapy for, let’s say, depression, or you’re looking for couples therapy, or for your anxiety, or you’re trying to heal from childhood trauma, then look for that specific therapist who…mentions that they work with that specialty.
Don’t shy away from asking questions in terms of their experience, [including] what trainings they have.
Number two is your comfort level. I think therapy is different in that it’s very relational. So if you’re not clicking or connecting, or this person is not really making you feel safe to really be yourself and share, you might need a different fit. It doesn’t mean that a therapist is bad or you’re not doing a good job. It’s just really about connecting with one human being.
Just be as open as you can. Most of us therapists have heard all sorts of things. So there is nothing you can tell me that I will be shocked [to hear]. The more open you are and more you share, the better I can help you.
Q: How can therapy help someone gain clarity if they feel like something is off with themself?
Anna:
It’s not your job to do detective work to figure out what’s happening…The best thing to do is just be honest with the therapist, and you can just share what you know…I have these thoughts, I have these feelings, I have these body sensations. Based on that, your therapist should be trained enough to ask follow-up questions to narrow down what is happening and give you insight and psychoeducation so you can connect the dots.
So don’t feel like it’s your job to know the whole thing…Your therapist is there to really guide you and figure out why you’re feeling, what you’re feeling, what it ties to, and what tools you need to move past that.
Q: Why is it so important for people to find therapists who truly understand them, their background, or their identity?
Anna:
If you don’t feel safe with another person in the room, emotionally safe, it’s hard to open up and to share your deepest wounds and your thoughts. [Maybe] we’ve never shared that with somebody else before, or there is shame associated with what we’re going to share.
It’s really about the connection with the therapist and [if] you feel comfortable. You can also [tell] the therapist, “Hey, this is what would make me feel more comfortable,” just so that they can help you the best they can. But even then, sometimes you may feel like we’re not clicking, and that’s okay. There are so many therapists out there.
This is why so many therapists, including myself, provide free phone consultations before meeting. So that way you can have that 15-20 minute conversation on the phone…[and discuss] what you want to work on and see what they say. And if that really feels like, I’m excited to start this journey with this therapist and I feel comfortable, or it just feels like, I’m uneasy about this, then just follow your intuition on that.
Q: What makes your practice unique, and how do you know if you’re a good fit for a client?
Anna:
So with adults, it’s kind of two branches: couples and individual therapy. For couples, I have done many additional trainings on top of just getting your degree. For example, I’m certified in Gottman Method couples therapy, and that’s all research-based…So I’m not just listening to their problems and being a witness to it. I’m giving them research-based tools.
But I’m also trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, which is all about the attachment styles and how you relate to another human being. And that really stems from childhood stuff. So I can really bring that into my work when people feel stuck and know how to get them out of that.
Within these years that I’ve been practicing, I’ve had a lot of both work experience as well as additional trainings to work with subcategories of couples therapy. So it’s not just a general approach. You have couples who come in when there is infidelity…or couples who are new parents…or premarital counseling, [or] addiction and couples therapy. All of those factors really change the dynamic and what interventions will be helpful.
For individual therapy,…I’ve worked in different populations, in different clinics, in different settings, …as well as had many certifications that really continue this growth as a therapist. I think that’s very important. We don’t just get our degrees and say that’s it or do an online course and that’s it. It’s…the schooling, the additional trainings, the practice in different settings to know how to actually utilize that in real-life situations.
I am certified in attachment-focused EMDR, as well as the traditional protocol of EMDR. I’m trained in polyvagal theory, which is all about nervous system regulating, in ACT, which is acceptance commitment therapy that’s super helpful for anxiety or just life transitions…Because I’m trained in all these different modalities, but also have the work experience and years of doing the actual work with clients, I can tailor that to what the client needs.
Q: Why is it important for therapists to have varied certifications, experiences, and educational backgrounds?
Anna:
If you’re only trained in one modality or you’re just generally trained, there are only a handful of techniques you might know how to do. That’s why it’s important to go to a specialist, or as a therapist, it’s important to continue your growth, because not every person heals and learns or unlearns the same way. There are different methods that work for different people, and one isn’t better than the other.
You need to have a really rich toolkit as a therapist to know, Okay, this client is processing things like this, so this approach is going to be better for them, instead of trying to fit them into the way you think.
Q: What’s one tip or mindset shift that you can share that helps people start feeling better?
Anna:
Get curious and compassionate about what’s happening instead of judgmental or solution-focused. Sometimes we can be very solution-focused, which isn’t a bad thing in itself. We have a problem, we want to fix it…But there may be a lot of judgment with that too, and pressure to change…
We [should be] compassionate with ourselves…[and] kind to ourselves the way we would be kind towards someone we love that’s going through a hard time. That’s number one. That would help you have less of that judgment and negativity around what you’re experiencing…
Whether you’re experiencing anxiety, depression, you’re stressed, or you’re feeling feelings that you think are shameful, the first thing that you can do is just allow all of that to be present in a room with you and know that it’s human and it’s normal. So you can be kind towards that aspect of yourself struggling, and then get curious: Where can I get my answers? Who can help me here? What do I need right now to take care of myself? I think those are the two fundamentals that will help you in this process of healing.
Finding Your Path Forward
Anna’s approach to therapy reminds us that seeking help doesn’t mean you need to have everything figured out. In fact, uncertainty is often what brings us to therapy in the first place. Whether you’re navigating relationship challenges, processing past trauma, or simply feeling like something is off, the right therapeutic relationship can provide the safety and tools you need to move forward.
If you’re ready to take that first step, look for a therapist with expertise in your specific concerns, trust your gut about whether you feel comfortable, and remember that it’s okay to ask questions during a consultation. Therapy is a collaborative process, and finding a therapist who understands your unique needs can make all the difference.
To learn more about Anna Aslanian’s approach and see if she might be the right fit for you, visit her profile on GoodTherapy. If you’re interested in exploring more about the therapy process, check out GoodTherapy’s resources on how to find a therapist, what to expect in your first therapy session, and tips for getting the most out of therapy.
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Ready to Find Your Therapist?
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With Black History Month in February and Women’s Health Month in March both fast approaching, our latest Member Spotlight series guest was the perfect choice. Dr. LaNail Plummer, a licensed therapist and author of The Essential Guide for Counseling Black Women, brings deep insight into the therapeutic process. This series highlights therapists who are eager to offer insight into the therapy experience and share valuable perspectives on how to make mental health care more approachable and authentic.
Dr. Plummer’s work emphasizes cultural competency, authentic connection, and the importance of creating spaces where clients don’t have to educate their therapist about their lived experiences. In this interview, Dr. Plummer shares practical wisdom about starting therapy, the neuroscience behind talk therapy, and why finding a therapist who truly understands you can make all the difference in your healing journey.
Whether you’re considering therapy for the first time or looking for a therapist who gets you, Dr. Plummer’s insights will help you understand what makes therapy work and how to find the right therapeutic fit.
 LIVE INTERVIEW: Watch the Conversation with Dr. LaNail Plummer
Q&A with Dr. LaNail Plummer
Q: What would you want someone who’s never been to therapy before to know about starting therapy?
Dr. Plummer:
Therapy is a relationship: it’s a therapeutic partnership or alliance. It may take a bit of time to really get into the groove of things. It takes time to build that ease and comfort. If the comfort doesn’t happen right away, give it a little more time, maybe a couple of months, to really see how you feel.
The other thing to consider is that whatever brings us to therapy, our presenting issue, may not be the root issue. Often, it’s a symptom that brings us to therapy, not the actual root. If we trust our therapist, they can help us get to that root issue. And whatever that root issue is, it has likely been forming for years, if not decades.Â
In summary, recognize that therapy is a relationship and a process, and it’s going to take a little bit of time.
Q: How can therapy help someone who feels like something’s off but can’t quite put their finger on it?
Dr. Plummer:
Our brains are designed in a particular way where we can often ruminate, specifically in the positioning between our amygdala and our hippocampus. But being able to talk through that issue pushes it through the amygdala and the hippocampus and up to the prefrontal cortex, where we’re thinking differently and have executive functioning and behavior from that. So talk therapy helps us stop that rumination. Think about a hamster on a wheel: that’s what happens with our thoughts when we keep having them recur. But therapy is the way to stop the wheel and allow the hamster to come off.
Talk therapy has a neurological effect, but it also has an emotional effect. When we’re going through something challenging and having a difficult time coming up with a solution, we need a safe space. Participating in therapy allows us to have a relationship with somebody who truly cares about what’s best for us and has a treatment plan to help us get where we want to go.
A therapist is often objective to the situation. They will ask questions and share summaries or interpretations that may allow the client to think outside the box because it’s not so personal.
Q: Why is it important for people to find therapists who truly understand them, whether through shared background, identity, or something else?
Dr. Plummer:
My most recent book, The Essential Guide for Counseling Black Women, is specific to Black women, but it’s the first in a series that will be dedicated to different demographics.
It’s important because when a client comes in, they want to be able to talk about whatever challenge they’re having and get direction, questions, summaries, and interpretations. They come in to be the client; they don’t come in to be an educator. Often, clients are looking for counselors who are similar to them in any type of identifier because they don’t want to have to explain who they are and some of the cultural nuances.
All mental health professions require their graduate students to take a multicultural course, but the course is only about 15 weeks long. It doesn’t spend as much time identifying all of the needs for different races and genders. There may be one class per course that talks about a specific race or gender, and that’s really just not enough.
A book like The Essential Guide allows therapists to go deeper in their learning and understanding so that even if a client comes and doesn’t think they are most relatable to that therapist, the therapist has the cultural competency and understanding to do more than adequate work with that client.
Q: If you had to describe your therapy approach in one sentence, what makes you a good fit for clients?
Dr. Plummer:
My approach is that I actually care about people. I actually really love people. I am extremely curious about who people are, how they became who they are, the decisions they’ve made in their life. I like to highlight their strengths as well as where there are gaps between who they currently are and who they want to be.
Most people identify me as extremely relatable. I fit into lots of different spaces and elements and lots of different engagements with other people. Because of that, I can pick up quite quickly what people need in that particular moment, whether it’s words of affirmation or a particular direction and approach.
My theoretical orientation is cognitive, so I spend a lot of time thinking about people’s thoughts and helping them think about their thoughts before we really get into the emotions and the actions they’ve taken. That tends to lead toward my therapeutic modality as well, which is CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).
Q: What’s one practical tip or mindset shift you often share that helps people start feeling better?
Dr. Plummer:
Often, people come to therapy seeking advice. A good therapist is not going to give advice: they’re going to guide a client toward a solution that the client wants for themselves.Â
I often give the analogy that a mother teaches her daughter how to ride a bike because all she knows how to do is ride that bike. She learned how to ride a bike, she felt empowered when she learned, and it allowed her to move through spaces quicker and get things done. She’s proud of her ability to ride a bike. So when she has a daughter, she teaches her daughter how to ride a bike because she wants to pass that information on.Â
But then later in life, [the daughter] feels cheated because her mom didn’t teach her how to drive a car. But the mom never knew how to drive a car. I think that makes clients feel better in understanding that your parents and grandparents often did the best that they could, even though it wasn’t all that you needed. Just because you don’t have a need met right now doesn’t mean that it can’t get met and that somebody can lean in and support you in that process.
Wherever there are gaps, we’ll help them find out who in their life can support them. And even if it’s within them already to learn how to do certain things. I think that takes some of the pressure off of them to feel that they have to know everything right in this moment, and the challenges they’re currently experiencing won’t last forever.
Q: Tell us about your book, The Essential Guide for Counseling Black Women.
Dr. Plummer:
Many of our multicultural courses don’t teach us enough about different races and genders, and it is our responsibility to educate ourselves, as opposed to expecting the client to educate us. This book allows us to really dive deep and educate ourselves.
With over 222 pages, I have research, lived experiences, and client insights. I have therapist tips, so things that therapists need to be considering along the way as they’re reading each chapter. The book has catalyst questions, so therapists know how to engage with a client. I also have journal prompts that clients can be using. So the book is written for therapists, but it’s also written for Black women to give us all shared language about some of the experiences we’ve had.
There’s also a therapeutic guide so therapists know which therapeutic modalities would be best used when working with a Black woman on a particular theme, whether it’s cognitive therapy, REBT, or narrative therapy.
The book is specifically for those in healthcare (therapists, coaches, psychiatrists) and for Black women. It should be read by both populations, and it can be read by other people too, just to understand the lived experiences of Black women and why we do certain things. It allows Black women to be empowered and understand their experiences and why they do the things they do and how it’s helpful for who they are. As we build community, it’s important to have guides and language around how we can support each other to ensure we are not allowing our biases to enter the conversation, but instead allowing our sense of community and empowerment to be the anchor in how we continue to build relationships with people.
Finding Your Path to Wellness
Dr. LaNail Plummer’s approach to therapy embodies the core values of GoodTherapy: creating authentic, culturally competent spaces where clients can explore their challenges without having to educate their therapist about who they are. Her emphasis on patience, relationship-building, and understanding the root causes of our struggles offers a compassionate roadmap for anyone beginning their therapy journey. Whether you’re seeking therapy for the first time or looking for a therapist who truly understands your lived experience, remember that healing is a process, and the right therapeutic partnership can help you get there.
Learn more about Dr. LaNail Plummer and her practice on her GoodTherapy profile.
You can also connect with her on Instagram @mahogany_sunshine.
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If you’re a GoodTherapy member and are interested in participating in our Member Spotlight series, please reach out to
editor@goodtherapy.org.
If your life looks “fine†but therapy feels oddly difficult, blank, or frustrating, it may be a sign your system is learning a new kind of safety, not a sign you’re failing.
Quick takeaway: “I don’t know†can be a protective pause, not a dead end.
This is common: Therapy can feel hard before it feels helpful, especially for high functioning people.
Many people come to therapy because something isn’t working anymore, but they can’t quite name what. On the surface, life may look fine. You show up. You function. You handle responsibilities. Others might even describe you as capable or resilient. And yet, something feels off. If you’re wondering why therapy feels hard even though you genuinely want help, you’re not alone, and you’re not doing therapy wrong.
“I don’t know†In Therapy
First Therapy Sessions
Holding It Together Is a Skill, Not a Failure
For many people, especially those who grew up needing to adapt quickly, staying regulated meant staying contained. You learned to manage discomfort quietly. You learned not to need too much. You learned how to stay composed, observant, or productive when things felt uncertain.
Those strategies are not problems, they’re strengths. They helped you survive, function, and move forward.
But therapy asks for something slightly different. Instead of managing from the outside, it invites you to turn inward. Instead of solving or performing, it asks you to notice. Instead of pushing through, it allows space. That shift is often a big part of why therapy feels hard.
Want a clearer roadmap for early sessions? Read what to expect during your first therapy sessions so the process feels less mysterious.
Why Slowing Down Can Feel Uncomfortable
You might notice that when therapy invites you to talk about feelings, your mind goes blank. Or you find yourself saying “I don’t know†more than you expected. Maybe you feel bored, restless, or subtly irritated, even though part of you genuinely wants help.
When you’ve relied on control, routine, or self-sufficiency, slowing down can feel disorganizing. Without the usual structure, your nervous system may not know what to do next. Avoidance, humor, distraction, or intellectualizing can show up, not to sabotage the process, but to keep you steady.
A quick “myth vs truth†reset
Myth: Therapy works only if you have big breakthroughs.
Truth: Often it works because you build safety, repetition, and small moments of honesty.
Myth: If you feel blank, you’re doing it wrong.
Truth: Blankness can be your system pausing for protection. It helps explain why therapy feels hard at first.
Thoughts that often show up when therapy starts working
- “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.â€
- “This feels pointless.â€
- “I should be further along than this.â€
- “Other people probably need therapy more than I do.â€
These thoughts aren’t “resistance.†They’re signals of a system that has learned to protect itself by staying in control. That’s a very human reason why therapy feels hard before it feels helpful.
A simple nervous system map (so you can name what’s happening)
Green: grounded
You can reflect, feel, and stay present.
Orange: activated
Restless, defensive, irritated, wanting to “fix it.â€
Gray: shut down
Blank mind, low energy, numb, “I don’t know.â€
Therapy often helps you notice these shifts earlier. That awareness is progress, even when therapy feels hard.
Worried you’ll be pushed to “open up†before you’re ready?
This FAQ explains why you control what you share: Will I have to talk about my feelings in therapy?
Therapy Isn’t About Forcing Insight
Contrary to popular belief, effective therapy doesn’t require constant breakthroughs or emotional intensity. It doesn’t demand that you access everything at once or explain yourself perfectly.
Some of the most meaningful work happens when therapy goes at a pace your nervous system can tolerate. That might look like:
- Spending time in silence
- Talking around things before talking about them
- Using metaphor, imagination, or indirect language
- Not knowing what you feel yet
- Taking longer than you expected
None of this means you’re stuck. It often means something important is being protected until it’s safe enough to emerge. This is another reason why therapy feels hard: safety comes before speed.
If you want the “what is therapy†basics (in plain language)
When “I Don’t Know†Is Actually Information
Many people feel embarrassed by how often they say “I don’t know†in therapy. But not knowing is not emptiness, it’s information.
“I don’t know†can mean:
- You’ve never been asked this before
- You learned not to notice certain feelings
- The answer isn’t verbal yet
- Part of you isn’t ready to speak
- Your body knows before your mind does
When therapy respects that, rather than pushing past it, trust tends to grow. With trust, clarity often follows naturally, not forcefully. If you want a deeper take on this, explore it here: Trust in the Process: Sitting with Not Knowing in Therapy.
If you ever think, “I have nothing to talk about,†you might find this reassuring: When You Come to Therapy with “Nothing to Talk Aboutâ€.
A Different Kind of Progress
Progress in therapy doesn’t always look like answers or solutions. Sometimes it looks like:
1
Feeling less rushed, even if nothing dramatic changed that week.
2
Noticing patterns without judging them, like how you shut down or over explain.
3
Understanding why reactions make sense, which reduces shame.
4
Gaining more choice in how you respond, even in small moments.
5
Feeling more like yourself again, with less strain.
These shifts can be subtle, especially at first. But they often lay the foundation for deeper change. It’s a quieter answer to why therapy feels hard: you’re building capacity, not cramming insight.
Micro Skills That Help When Therapy Feels Hard
If you keep wondering why therapy feels hard, it can help to bring the “hard†into the room in small, practical ways. Try one of these:
Pick one (small is powerful)
Body check-in: “My chest feels tight,†or “My stomach feels fluttery.â€
Use a scale: “This feels like a 3 out of 10,†or “7 out of 10.â€
Try parts language: “Part of me wants to talk, and part of me doesn’t.â€
Bring notes: A few bullets on your phone counts as showing up.
Ask for pacing: “Can we slow down?†or “Can we stay with this for a minute?â€
A simple script you can borrow in session
“I notice I’m going blank right now. I want to stay with this, but it feels hard. Can you help me slow down and figure out what my body is doing?â€
Saying this out loud can be a turning point because the blankness becomes part of the conversation, not a barrier. Often, naming the moment softens why therapy feels hard.
You Don’t Have to Perform in Therapy
One of the quiet reliefs of therapy, when it’s done well, is realizing you don’t have to perform. You don’t have to be articulate. You don’t have to know where things are going. You don’t have to justify why something matters.
You’re allowed to arrive exactly as you are. If you’ve spent much of your life being capable, composed, or responsible, therapy can become a place where you don’t have to hold everything together alone anymore. That doesn’t mean giving up your strengths. It means learning how to carry them with less strain.
Want support that matches your pace and needs?
You can browse the GoodTherapy directory to find a therapist and filter by specialties and approach.
Moving at Your Pace
Therapy doesn’t need to be rushed to be effective. It doesn’t need to be overwhelming to be meaningful. Sometimes, the most important work happens slowly, through consistency, safety, and permission.
If you’ve ever wondered why therapy feels hard, it may not be because you’re doing something wrong. It may be because you’ve done a very good job surviving, and now your system is learning a different way of being. And that takes time.
About the Author
Nathanael Schlecht, Licensed Associate Counselor
Nathanael is a Licensed Associate Counselor in Tucson, Arizona, who offers warm, compassionate, and deeply collaborative therapy for adults and elders navigating trauma, anxiety, depression, dissociation, and relationship struggles.
His work draws on approaches such as Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR), EMDR, Ego State Therapy, and hypnotherapy, with Christian counseling available when requested. He aims to create a safe, nonjudgmental space that supports healing at a pace that feels doable.
As part of our GoodTherapy Member Spotlight series, we spoke with Dr. Glenda Clare, a licensed clinical mental health counselor and addiction counselor based in Durham, North Carolina.
Dr. Clare brings both professional expertise and lived experience to her work with individuals, families, and groups. With specializations in family relationships, life transitions, grief and bereavement, and addiction counseling, she creates a warm, nonjudgmental partnership with her clients. Her philosophy is simple: “We all got issues” — and therapy is a safe place to work through them together. In this interview, Dr. Clare offers practical advice on starting therapy, finding the right therapeutic fit, and what makes a successful counseling relationship.
This series highlights therapists who are eager to offer insight into the therapy experience and share valuable perspectives on how to make mental health care more approachable and authentic. Read below to learn more about Dr. Clare’s approach.
 LIVE INTERVIEW: Watch the Conversation with Dr. Glenda Clare
Q&A with Dr. Glenda Clare
Q: What would you say to someone who’s never been to therapy before and is curious about what happens in the first therapy session?
Dr. Clare:
When I think about the first session for someone who is starting therapy, I want them to know that therapy is a safe place. It’s a place where they can come, they can be themselves, they can share with someone that’s not going to judge them.
During that first session, we’re essentially setting the parameters for what will happen after. When I have my first session [with a client], I’m generally going over some things that they need to know: the sessions are confidential [and] I’m there to listen to them and to guide them. They need to know that essentially this is their therapy, so they also are setting some boundaries in terms of what they do and do not want to discuss.
There are some times when I can’t keep everything confidential — if you’re going to hurt yourself or if you’re going to hurt someone else. During those times, I will not be able to keep this confidential.
Q: How does therapy help if someone feels like something’s off, but they can’t quite put their finger on it?
Dr. Clare:
We all got issues. There are times in everyone’s lives where things aren’t quite the way we think that they should be. It’s during those time periods that it’s okay to enter into therapy.
Therapy is a place where you will be safe. No one’s going to be sharing your business. No one is going to be judging you. They are going to take that time with you to say, well, maybe there is something to that, that we need to examine. And you know what? That’s a good thing. Change happens when you first acknowledge that there’s a need for change, and then you do something about it. Going to therapy is that first step in doing something about it.
Q: Why is it important for people to find therapists who understand them?
Dr. Clare:
Let’s be honest. Everybody is not your person. You don’t need to be dealing with the people who are clueless about your situation, about who you are, about what you are striving to do.
It is okay to screen therapists. I have 15-minute consultation sessions so people can see, do we click or don’t we click?
It’s important to do that. And even after that 15 minutes, say you’ve been meeting with somebody for a couple of weeks and you’re still not quite sure that they’re kind of getting it, then you can change.
However, don’t decide you don’t like somebody because they’re challenging you. That’s part of therapy. They should be challenging you to get out of your comfort zone.
We have what’s called the therapeutic alliance. It’s a relationship between the client and the therapist. During those first few consultation sessions, you are interviewing them, and they are interviewing you. You are interviewing them to see if you believe that you click with each other. The therapist is also going to be doing the dance of, is this a topic that I think that I can be helpful to the client about?
Q: What is your therapy approach, and what is different about the way you work with clients?
Dr. Clare:
My philosophy is that we all got issues. We are to figure out what you need and to provide the resources that you need so that you can enhance your wellness, not mine.
So this is a partnership. There may be some directions that I think might be good for you to go in and you may have another thought. It’s about you and me working with you to give you what you need so that you can get better.
Q: From your experience, what are the signs of a good client-therapist match?
Dr. Clare:
I have learned that emotions are key. When I’ve got a good fit with a client, there are days when we cry together. There are days when we laugh together. So we can have a combination of the two of those things.
The bottom line is that you get it, that you have AHA moments, that you know that you’re just feeling safe with that person.
Finding Your Path to Wellness
Dr. Glenda Clare’s approach to therapy embodies the core values of GoodTherapy: creating safe, nonjudgmental spaces where clients can explore their challenges and work toward meaningful change. Whether you’re navigating family relationships, life transitions, grief, or addiction recovery, therapy offers a partnership where your voice matters and your wellness is the priority.
Ready to start your therapy journey? Explore GoodTherapy’s directory to find licensed therapists and counselors who specialize in the areas that matter most to you. Whether you’re dealing with anxiety, depression, relationship challenges, or simply feel like something’s off, compassionate, qualified mental health professionals are here to help you find clarity and move forward.
Ready to take the next step?
Connect with a licensed, experienced therapist near you.
Find a Therapist
➜
Learn more about Dr. Glenda Clare and her practice on her GoodTherapy profile.
As part of our new GoodTherapy Member Spotlight series, we’re excited to introduce Samantha Mirarchi, director and founder of Wild Sage Therapy. This series highlights therapists who are eager to offer insight into the therapy experience and share valuable perspectives on how to make mental health care more approachable and authentic.
In this interview, Samantha offers practical advice and essential tips on starting therapy for the first time, choosing the right mental health professional, and why authenticity and trust are at the heart of effective therapeutic relationships.
Watch the conversation with Samantha
Q&A with Samantha Mirarchi
Q: What would you want someone who’s never been to therapy before to know about starting therapy or attending the first session?
Samantha:
It doesn’t have to be as scary as it sounds. In terms of choosing a therapist, the vibe has to be right. That’s the best indication of therapy success. Take advantage of phone consultations or video consultations, just to feel out the connection that you have with that person.
It doesn’t have to be super scary or overwhelming. The first session is usually just the therapist getting to know you, gathering information so that they can best support you. There’s no pressure to share everything all at once.
Q: If someone feels like something’s off but they can’t quite put their finger on it, how can therapy help them find clarity and direction?
Samantha:
That’s such a big deterrent for starting therapy for a lot of people, because it’s like “maybe my problem’s not big enough,†or “because I can’t articulate exactly what’s wrong, how is somebody going to help me?â€
Having the space to just talk through and explore what that looks like for you can help bring clarity into what’s off, and so that you can actually create some goals and work towards that in therapy. But that is, honestly, a normal starting point for a lot of people: just that feeling of something’s not right. Therapy can really help: the beginning phases of [therapy] can really help open that up more to get you back to feeling like yourself.
Q: Why is it important for people to find therapists who truly “get†them, whether that’s about background, identity, or something else?
Samantha:
You need to be picky with choosing your therapist. [This means] reflecting on what is important to you, whether that be a therapist’s lived experience or, again, their specialty, and their ability to help you.
Therapists tailor their education and experience to certain areas, and it’s important to find a really good fit that way. The foundation of that is essentially based on trust. That’s going to impact your therapeutic result over time. Trust in the relationship is the number one indicator for success in therapy. It’s important to just find a therapist who has the education and experience to support you with the challenge that you’re facing.
Q: If you had to explain your therapy approach in one sentence, what would you say makes your work with clients unique?
Samantha:
I really value authenticity in my approach. Going back to the therapeutic relationship, I think that authenticity helps me really connect with clients, and it should make the therapy experience feel a lot more comfortable. That’s really important when it comes to therapeutic work and therapeutic growth.
Q: From your experience, what’s a sign that a client and therapist are a good fit?
Samantha:
You want to check in with yourself and ask: how comfortable do I feel talking to this person? I’d say that’s the number one assessor for fit.
Obviously, this is a new person you’re not going to feel 100% comfortable right off the bat, but there should be a little bit of ease there when it comes to starting a new therapeutic relationship. And then in terms of fit, again, look at their specialties, their background, their experience supporting other people who’ve struggled with the same challenges that you’ve faced.
Driving Growth With Authenticity
Starting therapy can feel overwhelming, but it can help you work through challenges, create a safe space for real connection, and set goals for growth with a professional. Finding the right therapist might require some work and evaluation, but the benefits of working with someone who truly gets you are worth the effort.
To find an experienced, licensed therapist through GoodTherapy, explore our catalog of therapists by location, specialty, and more.
Ready to take the next step?
Connect with a licensed, experienced therapist near you.
Find a Therapist
➜
If you’re a GoodTherapy member and are interested in participating in our Member Spotlight series, please reach out to editor@goodtherapy.org