I used to think that closure and healing were the same. I was wrong. Finding closure is not an easy thing to come by. Most of the time, finding closure is harder to attain than healing. You can heal and move forward without ever receiving closure from another person.

Finding closure does not come from an outside source. It comes from realizing what took place, leaving it there, and choosing not to carry it with you.

What Finding Closure Really Means

Finding closure is not synonymous with healing, and it is not something another person can hand to you. Whether you are processing the end of a relationship, a loss, or a painful experience, the search for closure after a breakup or any significant chapter can feel elusive and out of reach.

Closure does not come from an outside source. It comes from realizing what took place, leaving it there, and choosing not to carry it with you. That is not an easy thing to do. But it is possible.

Forgiveness, Healing, and Finding Closure

Forgiveness is a change of heart. Healing is an internal recovery. And closure is the ability to move on. Sometimes you can forgive, but that does not mean forgetting is always an option. It just means that you choose not to become bitter.

Healing is what happens when forgiveness takes place. But closure takes time. If you choose not to forgive, it breeds resentment and vitriol, which leads to bitterness. Letting go of that resentment and learning how to forgive is a significant step toward healing. Research from the American Psychological Association confirms that practicing forgiveness is linked to lower anxiety, less depression, and greater emotional well-being.

Is Closure Really a Myth?

Sometimes people wait for the clouds to part and the light to shine on them, for everything to become butterflies and rainbows, before they allow themselves to feel closure. But closure is simply the ability to move past what was and to begin living again. It does not require a perfect ending.

I came across a quote that challenged me deeply:

This was hard to fully agree with at first. I felt like it was saying that words did not matter, like “sticks and stones.” But what this quote is really saying is that you get the closure from witnessing their actions, their true self. And when you realize that, finding closure becomes less about what they say and more about what you choose to see.

Turning the Page: Finding Closure as a Choice

Realizing that has given me the understanding that finding closure is the choice to stop perseverating on the past, coupled with the choice to move forward. Just like reading a book: each chapter has a different issue, a different problem, a different dynamic. And once that chapter is over, the reader must turn the page.

It is the ending of a chapter, not the end of the story. Your life is the book. What was is the past. And what will be is yet to be read.

What Finding Closure Gives You

I can say that I have forgiven it. I can say that I have healed. And now, I can say that I have closure.

Does this mean I will forget it? No. Does this mean there is no scar? No. Does this mean that because the chapter is over it never happened? No.

It means that because I will remember, because I have scars, and because I experienced that chapter, I have more wisdom moving forward. Working on forgiving to help yourself heal is not about erasing what happened. It is about choosing what you carry forward. The American Psychological Association notes that processing grief and loss is an active journey, one that requires making meaning of what happened rather than simply waiting for the pain to pass.

I now have the ability to not see the world through a tainted, broken, distorted lens of pain, sadness, and grief. It means I can move forward and embark on a new chapter, looking forward to what comes next, instead of dreading it.

Closure to me is not just the ability to move on.

Closure is finding peace.

Josiah Dicken MA, LPCC View Profile →

About the Author Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Wayfinder Counseling & Coaching, LLC · Colorado Springs, CO Josiah Dicken, MA, LPCC, is a licensed professional clinical counselor and founder of Wayfinder Counseling & Coaching, LLC in Colorado Springs, Colorado. He specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families navigate life’s challenges using a personalized, evidence-based approach. Josiah is known for creating a safe, non-judgmental space where clients feel heard, validated, and empowered to heal, grow, and move forward.

Discovering a betrayal in your relationship can be devastating. Whether it’s an infidelity, a hidden truth, or another breach of trust, the emotional impact is profound. At this moment, you may feel overwhelmed by hurt and uncertainty. However, if both partners are committed to healing, trust can be rebuilt. Here’s a three-step approach to restoring connection and security in your relationship. 

Step 1: Prioritizing Rebuilding Over Resentment 

Before any real healing can begin, there must be a stronger desire to rebuild trust than to hold onto anger or resentment. This may seem obvious, but without consciously choosing this mindset, progress is impossible. Ask yourself: Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy? True reconciliation requires a willingness to focus on moving forward rather than staying stuck in the pain of the past. 

Step 2: Taking Ownership of Your Part 

Trust is a two-way street, and healing begins when at least one partner is willing to take full responsibility for their role in the relationship dynamic. Even if your partner refuses to acknowledge their mistakes, you can still make progress by examining your own contributions—without self-blame, but with honesty and self-awareness. A powerful principle in personal growth states: “Be the first to take full responsibility.” This doesn’t mean excusing the betrayal but rather creating space for genuine transformation. 

Step 3: Leading with Vulnerability 

The final key to restoring trust is the courage to let go of defenses and embrace vulnerability. When one partner approaches the situation with openness—without the need to justify, attack, or defend—it naturally softens the other person’s stance. Even if their initial reaction is frustration or continued hurt, consistently showing up with sincerity and care will ultimately shift the dynamic. Over time, they will recognize the depth of your commitment and respond in kind. 

The Ultimate Path to Trust Restoration 

At its core, rebuilding trust requires caring more about the relationship’s success than about proving a point. This doesn’t mean sacrificing your boundaries or needs—it means choosing connection over conflict. While this approach demands courage, the rewards are profound: when one partner leads with accountability and openness, the other often follows. 

Healing takes time, but every small step in this direction strengthens the foundation of your relationship. If you commit to this path, you may find that not only is trust restored, but the bond between you grows even deeper than before. 

by Bren Michelle Chasse, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Healing from Trauma Does Not Hinge on a Survivor’s Ability to Forgive

Forgiveness is an evolutionary phenomenon that, historically, has been a necessary part to building and sustaining community (Tooby & Cosmides, 2005)). In early times, it allowed groups to minimize conflict and helped support, foster, and preserve cooperation so that groups could function effectively, thrive, and achieve the goals necessary for their survival. In short, group members needed each other, a fact which didn’t change when a wrong had been done. They had to learn to deal with wrongs and stay alive. Over time, the concept of forgiveness has transformed into a modern-day virtue. Many consider forgiveness to be the moral high ground. There are even mental health providers who believe forgiveness to be the holy grail of healing, identifying it as a necessary therapeutic objective or clinical goal (Luskin, 2003). I am not one of them. 

A Deeper Look at Forgiveness and Trauma

Research has shown that, in general, people practice forgiveness more readily within their tribe or primary support group, while more likely to withhold forgiveness from those outside their group (McAuliffe & Dunham, 2016). However, this research depends on an assumption of high-functioning group dynamics. Not every relationship we experience in our lives (or even within our own family systems) falls into this category. It is simply inappropriate to generalize and apply a forgiveness model evenly across the board to all relationships. Relationships, by definition, are nuanced and very complex—and so is the experience of trauma.  

Additionally, not all transgressions are created equal. For example, I may be able to forgive a close friend who lied to me but find myself unwilling or unable to forgive the same friend if they were to assault me. A one-size-fits-all approach to healing simply doesn’t work! More specifically, the forgiveness model, when applied equally across domains, is fundamentally flawed. It fails to account for context, attachment style, cultural implications, personal moral values, organic individual differences, past experiences (including prior trauma exposure), and the depth and breadth of the transgression.  

Force-Fed Forgiveness?

Unfortunately, I’ve found in my practice that many clients have a history of being force-fed (through various sources) the value and importance of always forgiving. Consider the Lord’s Prayer, which requires we stand humbly before God and ask, “Forgive our trespasses…” and challenges us to “…forgive those that trespass against us.” The pressure to forgive is often applied by those we hold in high regard. When family members, advisors, mentors, close friends, or spiritual leaders insist on this, many clients feeling gaslit, shamed, and forced to betray themselves by placing the needs of their perpetrator above their own. 

Healing from trauma requires a focus on the self — not on the needs of another. When we claim that forgiveness is a necessary component of healing, we tell survivors that they cannot be whole again unless they extend forgiveness even to those who have committed the most physically and psychologically violent acts imaginable. 

Making Change Happen

As a society and as therapists, we must begin to change the language and conversation around forgiveness. If we don’t, we maintain the status quo and risk becoming part of the problem. The language we use, especially when we are in a position of power, really matters. 

We have to change the way we think about this topic as well. An unwillingness to forgive does not directly translate to anger, aggression, seeking revenge, or a refusal to move on, nor does it necessarily equate to a dysfunctional response to trauma. In many cases, survivors simply don’t relate to the concept of forgiveness. The healing journey focuses on creating and enforcing healthy boundaries, refusing to hold toxic secrets, learning to prioritize their own physical and emotional needs, and healing the younger parts of themselves that still feel stuck in the trauma of their past. If forgiveness isn’t part of a survivor’s healing journey, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong. 

Be True to Yourself as You Heal

Let me be clear — for those that find forgiveness to be a healing part of your journey, I encourage you to embrace it. If you don’t relate to that, or if you feel forgiveness is a barrier to your healing, I encourage you to honor that. What I am arguing is that not everyone who experiences trauma will benefit from sharing physical, emotional, or psychological space with the person who has harmed them. Forgiveness is not necessarily a required stop along the path toward healing. Simply put, how you heal is up to you!

References

Luskin, F. (2003).  Forgive for good: A proven prescription for health and happiness. Harper One.

McAuliffe, K. & Dunham, Y. (2016). Group bias in cooperative norm enforcement. Philosophical Transactions of The Royal Society B Biological Sciences, 371(1686). doi https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9221.2008.00688.x

Tooby, J. & Cosmides, L. (2005). Conceptual foundations of evolutionary psychology, in Handbook of Evolutionary Psychology, ed. Buss, D. M. Wiley, 5-67.

Being hurt and having disappointments in life are universal equalizers, as is the need to forgive. When we think of forgiveness, we often focus on the need to forgive people who have harmed us and those who have not been available in the ways we hoped they would be. One topic of forgiveness that often gets lost in the proverbial shuffle is self-forgiveness.

As we walk through life, it is so easy to recall and recount the many ways that people around us have done us wrong. What is often far more difficult (and humbling) is to remember that we too are human beings. We too have most likely done things we are ashamed about or have harmed another person (even unintentionally).

In the process of healing from our past traumas and wounds, we are unlikely to fully recover if we avoid the very important step of looking at the disappointments and hurts we might have inflicted upon others.

Sometimes in life, even when we are trying to be as perfect as perfect can be, we can still be neglectful of the people we love most or fail to live up to standards others may have set for us. And even when we have tried our very best, there are still things in our pasts and in our stories that need to be addressed. We need to examine these things in order to move forward with our heads held high.

3-Step Process on How To Forgive Yourself:

1. Tell the truth.

 You may try to distract yourself from guilt or self-disappointment by focusing on other parts of your life. But we know deep down inside when we have done something we aren’t proud of.

Here is the thing. It is literally impossible to avoid making mistakes. As a human being, there is absolutely zero way to get out of this life without having things you are sorry you have done. When you are ready to get honest with yourself, you can not only see the patterns of your past, but also to start your life with a clean slate.

Telling the truth about your mistakes may or may not involve sharing them with another person. Maybe it involves you getting out a notebook and writing everything that comes to mind. Maybe it is sharing your past aloud with a safe friend. Whichever way you do it, getting all the secrets and pain out of your head is a great first step toward total self-forgiveness.

We can’t go anywhere if we don’t let go of from where we have come. Getting utterly honest about your past and the secrets you carry is a very important first step.

Note: There is a huge difference between shame around abuse others inflicted on you as a child or vulnerable victim and feeling authentic guilt about ghosting a friend or walking out on a job. Shame for things that were never your fault is not the same thing as taking radical responsibility for your adult choices.

2. Sit with the feelings.

When we have a backlog of guilt and remorse in our lives, it can be so scary to open up those emotions. To slow down. To sit still. To feel the consequences of not only the actions that we regret, but also the feelings we have been stuffing down in order to avoid the guilt.

Sitting with your feelings doesn’t mean sitting in a chair and staring out and being emotional all day. It just means that when the sadness, guilt, fear, or anger arise, to avoid shoving or hiding them away again. Even if you can’t do it perfectly, you can practice that action one uncomfortable feeling at a time. Sitting with your feelings can be a life-changing opportunity.

Some productive ways to “sit with feelings” can include daily journaling or listening to music that allows the feelings to come to the surface. You could also talk to a safe person who can handle your emotions and your pain. You may even write a letter (that you may or may not ever give) to the person you may have treated poorly.

3. Don’t forget the pain you’ve caused yourself.

Adding yourself to the list of things you are forgiving yourself for sounds  counterintuitive, doesn’t it? But in reality, you are the most important name on your list!

This step is about taking stock of how much time you have spent beating yourself up for being imperfect.

How many ways have you shown disdain for yourself?

How often have you avoided your feelings by taking part in unhealthy behaviors?

How many times have you neglected yourself by under-eating or under-sleeping?

How many times and ways have you not shown yourself the love and acceptance that are your birthright to deserve?

This step is about turning your self-forgiveness even deeper towards yourself. It is about forgiving yourself for all the times you did not forgive yourself.

Steps 2 and 3 are a lifelong process. They are about learning the art of sitting with discomfort, while at the same time learning to practice radical self-acceptance. These are not basic things. These are advanced-level skills. With long-term practice comes growth, but never total perfection.

If you are ready to dive into a journey of self-forgiveness, I would recommend working with a seasoned counselor who can help you cope with some of the really intense feelings that may arise. As with all things that are hard, it is a good idea to ask for help. Remember, no matter who you are, that you never have to do life totally alone.

Healing emotional wounds is a process of self-exploration, one that can provide endless benefits no matter what stage of life you are in. Resentment and self-loathing can be scarring if allowed to fester. Forgiveness is the best antidote for this toxicity, whether it’s asking someone to forgive you, forgiving someone who has hurt you, or forgiving yourself.

Before you get started on this healing journey, it’s important to know that forgiveness isn’t the same thing as wiping the slate clean. “Forgive” and “forget” are not helpful together. In order to move forward, you must recognize the truth of what happened. When you acknowledge what happened and accept that you can’t change the past, you find the motivation to do something of value for yourself: forgive and heal.

Expressing your forgiveness directly to the person who hurt you isn’t always necessary or possible. Forgiving someone is for your benefit, not theirs. The process of forgiveness and the release of thoughts and feelings that have kept you tied to the past can be done without the other person’s participation. Forgiveness allows you to let go of the regrets or resentments that eat up your valuable energy.

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Before you can forgive, it’s important to fully experience and let out the feelings tied to the emotional wound—anger, sadness, shame, fear, etc. Sometimes, writing a letter expressing how you feel can help you let go of negative emotions. You don’t have to mail the letter. Burning it may feel better.

Forgiving yourself can be more difficult than forgiving someone else. It requires acknowledging what you did and recognizing the damage it did to yourself or others. For forgiveness to work, you have to recognize that you made a mistake—or many of them—and understand that if you knew then what you know now, you would have done things differently.

As they say, hindsight is 20/20. Situations, and the appropriate responses to them, are always clearer when looking back. The best you can do is accept what happened and make the best of the situation you’re in now. Mindfulness can be useful in exploring why you did what you did. Gratitude can also be helpful because it allows you to move toward change. Atonement, making amends to the person you hurt or their symbolic representative, is a powerful way of moving toward self-forgiveness.

If you take a realistic attitude about the weaknesses and imperfections of human beings, forgiving yourself and others may feel more comfortable. People make mistakes. We operate based on our own experiences and worldviews. We are all a mess of emotions and genetics.

If you take a realistic attitude about the weaknesses and imperfections of human beings, forgiving yourself and others may feel more comfortable. People make mistakes. We operate based on our own experiences and worldviews. We are all a mess of emotions and genetics.

When considering whether to forgive someone, it can be helpful to consider their life experiences. This doesn’t mean excusing them for what they did. But the more you know about the forces that led to someone’s choices and actions toward you, the more clearly you can see the inherent imperfection of being human.

For example, let’s say your father left your family when you were young, and you just received a letter from him asking for your forgiveness. Would knowing the forces that drove his actions—his abandonment by his own father, his young age when he had you, his alcoholism—excuse his action? No, but it might make it easier to see his humanness and forgive him. Compassion and boundaries are not mutually exclusive, either. You can say both “I forgive you” and “I don’t want you in my life.”

To forgive yourself and others, try to soften your stance on being human and understand that people are fallible. But also recognize that when people know better, they tend to do better. The self-exploration that leads to healing contains a lot of learning to know better.

Letting go of resentments and regrets—in other words, practicing forgiveness— requires learning from and finding meaning in your emotional wounds. You can transcend suffering by making meaning out of your hurt and learning what it has to teach you. You can make yourself better for having endured it, but first you must go through it. You have to accept, experience, process, and release to heal and come out stronger. As author Haruki Murakami tells us, “When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

If you’re struggling with forgiveness, contact a compassionate therapist who can help.

Rebuilding trust in your relationship can be difficult after it has been broken or compromised. Depending on the nature of the offense, convincing your partner that you can be trusted again may even feel impossible. The good news is it’s not. Trust can, in fact, be rebuilt if both partners are willing to put in the time and work.

Any healthy relationship is built on a foundation of mutual trust. Depending on the circumstances surrounding a breach of trust, the steps for reparation may vary. Certainly, there is a difference between a “little white lie” and an emotional or physical affair. If your relationship has experienced the latter, you may benefit from couples counseling.

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Although there is no one-size-fits-all guide to restoring trust in a relationship, the steps below serve as a basic outline for reparation.

1. Own Up to Your Role

If you have offended or hurt someone by breaking trust, it’s critical to reflect on your actions and acknowledge and own your role. Dismissing, deflecting, minimizing, or casting blame will not help you in your efforts to come to grips with what happened and work toward repair. You must own your part to yourself before you can convince your partner you have taken ownership.

2. Make an Apology Plan

For many people, apologizing doesn’t come easily. It can make a person feel vulnerable, bringing up feelings of anxiety or fear. Be intentional about moving forward with your apology despite your discomfort. Gather your thoughts in advance. Writing down your thoughts can be helpful. Rehearsing what you want to say by standing in front of a mirror and practicing may help put you at ease. If you do rehearse, though, it’s important to mean what you intend to say. Don’t plan to simply say what you think the other person wants to hear in the hopes you’ll be forgiven and the offense forgotten. It doesn’t work that way.

3. Ask for a Good Time to Talk

The adage “timing is everything” can make a difference when apologizing. Ask your partner when a good time to talk would be. Let them know you have something important you would like to discuss. Let them dictate the timing of that discussion so they can give it, and you, their full attention.

4. Accept Responsibility

You have already owned up to yourself. Now it’s time to show your partner that you accept responsibility. Be sincere and use “I” messages: “I am so sorry to have hurt you,” “I really care about you and feel terrible that I have let you down.” Be specific, when possible, regarding what you are sorry about: “I am so sorry I told you that I went to the store when I was actually somewhere else,” “I feel awful that I lied to you about how I spent that money.” Communicate that you want to make things right. Let your partner know you recognize that you broke their trust and you are willing to work hard to regain it.

5. Actively Listen

After apologizing, hear your partner out. You’ve spoken; now it’s time to listen. Use active listening techniques. This means being receptive not only verbally but with your body language as well. Lean in and look your partner in the eye rather than folding your arms in a defensive posture. Be aware emotions may be heightened, yours included. Stay calm and validate your partner’s feelings; they have a right to them.

6. Back Up Your Words with Actions

A genuine apology is worth its weight in gold. However, in the absence of follow-through, your words become meaningless and future attempts at repair may be rejected. If your apology is accepted, it is up to you to demonstrate a pattern of dependable behavior over time. Go the distance and commit to being your best self: be humble, be kind, be affectionate, be appreciative, be loyal, be loving, and be trustworthy.

7. Be Patient

It takes time to rebuild trust in a relationship. Be patient with the process and with your partner. Also, recognize that being remorseful doesn’t mean beating yourself up. No one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. Take responsibility but be kind to yourself. It is normal to experience some guilt, shame, or self-loathing; just don’t let it overwhelm you. Look at this as an opportunity to grow rebuild trust and make your relationship stronger with your significant other.

I believe infidelity is one of the most difficult challenges a couple can experience and attempt to recover from. In my work with people who have experienced infidelity—who may still be reeling from its effects—I’ve noticed some similarities between their varied experiences. While some come to me days after discovery and others may wait decades, many of those seeking help share one common experience, regardless of the amount of time that has passed: the pressure to forgive.

While many partners who have been unfaithful and want to salvage the relationship seek to be forgiven, sometimes almost immediately, many partners who have been betrayed are not ready to forgive until they are sure their partner understands the pain the act has caused.

Understanding Infidelity’s Impact

Infidelity can come in many forms, and it is not always characterized by a sexual relationship. Often infidelity occurs in the form of a new relationship outside the primary relationship. In some instances infidelity may be undetectable to all involved. Typically, an affair suggests that an individual was unfaithful over a period of time with an affair partner was an active, knowing participant. To some, infidelity also includes secret thoughts about a person other than a partner or the development of an emotional connection outside the primary relationship. A partner can also be unfaithful by hiding income or debt.

In most cases, infidelity is evidenced by: [fat_widget_right]

1. Guilt over the crossing of relationship boundaries, even if one partner is not aware of what happened.
2. Acts or thoughts kept secret by one partner because they know the other partner would not approve
3. A feeling of betrayal when the acts or thoughts are discovered or revealed.

People who have been unfaithful may not be aware they have crossed the line into infidelity. They may also not have had the intention of harming their partner. In the aftermath of unfaithfulness, however, they often discover the pain experienced by the other person goes deeper than they could have imagined.

A betrayed partner may come to find their world view, sense of safety, and very identity has been shaken. Many people I treat experience both physical and emotional symptoms, such as intrusive thoughts that creep in over the course of their day, difficulty sleeping or eating, or depression symptoms, among others. These effects, and the pain experienced as a result, may heal in time. But time does not automatically heal the wounds of infidelity; therefore, there is not a specific timeline for forgiveness. Couples who want to recover from the trauma of infidelity generally find it necessary to invest significant time and effort into rebuilding the relationship.

What Forgiveness Can Signify—and What It Doesn’t

After infidelity comes to light, the person who was unfaithful may hope to be forgiven right away. While forgiveness may be a necessary part of infidelity recovery, it generally does not occur at the beginning of the recovery process. In my experience, forgiveness more often comes near the end of the process.  To the partner who was betrayed, forgiveness often means the end of the journey. Why? Because forgiveness can feel dangerous.

Forgiveness can feel dangerous because, to some, it may indicate certain beliefs they may not necessarily support. Let’s consider a few of those.

1. I can never feel hurt or upset again.

When an affair is discovered, couples who are trying to reconcile may fall into opposite roles. The partner who was betrayed is the “good” partner while the partner who was unfaithful is the “bad” one. They remain in these roles until the “good” partner sees the “bad” partner begin to understand the hurt they experienced as a result of the “bad” partner’s actions.

Hurt stemming from a breach of trust such as infidelity may cause emotions and symptoms that affect activities of daily life. In this case, the betrayed partner may feel it’s better to forgive for the good of the relationship, but that doing so will remove the pain from the experience. By forgiving, they might feel, they can never try to heal from the pain or learn what is needed to prevent it from happening again.

But forgiveness does not wipe away or invalidate the pain or trauma resulting from an act of infidelity, nor does it indicate the person who was betrayed no longer experiences those emotions.

2. I am excusing or accepting your behavior.

Many partners I’ve worked with struggle with the idea that forgiving infidelity does not mean the behavior is acceptable. Some equate it to raising children: if there are no consequences to deter behavior, then the behavior is excused. Partners who have been betrayed may feel by forgiving, they are offering the partner who was unfaithful a “get out of jail free” card.

After infidelity, most couples struggle to find a way to ease the pain, and forgiveness may seem like a less-painful way out. Unfortunately, when a partner who has been betrayed is rushed to forgive, increased pain and distance is often the result.

But both partners need to work to find a way to separate the pain of the breach from the freedom of forgiveness. The reality is, forgiveness is for the forgiver. It can help to think of forgiveness as taking the weight of your own hurt and pain and tossing it into the ocean. By forgiving, you are saying “I do not want to carry this burden of pain any longer.” A person can still experience hurt as a result of a behavior but choose to forgive—because they want to begin to heal.

3. Now I have to want to restore the relationship.

A partner who has been unfaithful may believe once they are forgiven, the relationship will return to the way it was or be automatically repaired. But this may not be the case. Even when a person is able to forgive, they may still not be ready to repair the relationship, at that time or at any time.

Restoration is not always the goal of infidelity recovery, and infidelity recovery does not have to involve both partners. Sometimes one or both partners may choose to heal alone. Forgiving a partner who was unfaithful may, to some, mean moving on from the relationship. Some partners who were unfaithful may similarly choose to move on from the relationship.

I teach the people I work with that there are levels to recovery.

• The first level, forgiveness, involves releasing the self from the pain of this action. People may struggle to heal when they are consumed by pain.
• The next level is reconciliation. This level is different for everyone. Many couples may find this to be the most comfortable goal of counseling, as they want to build something new together out of the rubble of their old relationship. Realizing the old relationship was broken, they choose to work to create a new one that incorporates their prior experience. This can be a cautious approach, as the partner who experienced betrayal may continue to scan the relationship for any signs of danger well into the healing process.
• The highest level of forgiveness is restoration. This is a level many couples aspire to, as it generally indicates the relationship is restored to its previous standing.

In most cases the first level is sufficient for individuals who choose to recover on their own. Reconciliation is necessary to rebuild trust, but it is important to remember forgiveness does not automatically mean reconciliation will follow.

4. Now I must be ready to trust completely.

I’ve heard partners who have been unfaithful say, “If you forgive me, then you have to trust me.” I work diligently to teach them forgiveness and trust are two separate events. Forgiveness can mean a partner wants to trust again at some point, but it may not yet be possible. Forgiveness helps the person forgiving find release from pain, while trust can allow the person who was forgiven to find release from guilt. The act of rebuilding trust also requires the participation of both partners.

After infidelity, most couples struggle to find a way to ease the pain, and forgiveness may seem like a less-painful way out. Unfortunately, when a partner who has been betrayed is rushed to forgive, increased pain and distance is often the result. While in some cases, forgiveness may not be possible, in other cases being unable to forgive may prolong pain.

Finding the place where forgiveness is beneficial can be a delicate process, and patience, with both the self and with one’s partner, is more likely to aid recovery than forcing the process. No recovery has a timeline or a shortcut. Recovering is hard work, whether partners choose to end a relationship or attempt to rebuild it. In either case, recovering from infidelity can present an opportunity for both partners to find strength and grow, and couples counseling can be a helpful step in this process.

It is a fact of life that in any sort of relationship with others, we risk being neglected, abused, rejected, lied to, or betrayed in some other way. Whether due to minor or major transgressions, each of us has been confronted with the tension around whether to forgive someone who has hurt us. And whether one is more inclined to crave “an eye for an eye” rather than to “turn the other cheek,” it is not uncommon to believe forgiving another is contingent on that person’s remorse or apology. Yet, the guilty party may never feel guilt or take any responsibility whatsoever. If this is the case, you may wonder what is to be gained by forgiveness. To answer this question, we must also look at the risks of not forgiving.

The Risks of Holding on to Anger

Research over the past two decades has found that ongoing anger, resentment, and hostility are linked to poorer physical and mental health. It can feel extremely difficult to move through these emotions and develop compassion or pity for those who have wronged us or hurt someone we love. Yet, reaching a place of forgiveness can free one from a virtual prison of negative thoughts and burdensome emotions, which typically only prolong the feelings of anger and suffering generated by the original offense.

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The Benefits of Forgiveness

The benefits of being able to forgive are many. Developing forgiveness has been associated with decreased stress, anxiety, and depression, and increased feelings of well-being. Some studies have found a relationship between dispositional or trait forgiveness and life satisfaction. One study to date has found trait forgiveness is linked to better relationships with others.

To date, the research is limited on the benefits of state forgiveness—or forgiveness in response to a current interpersonal hurt. A recent study examined the potential mental health benefits of practicing state forgiveness, as well as what factors contributed to the relationship between forgiveness and well-being. Specifically, 11 participants affiliated with either Buddhist, Muslim, new religious movements (NRM), or secular/atheist groups were recruited who met the criteria of having practiced forgiveness in response to an interpersonal hurt. The types of hurts were related to parental love deprivation, hurt by romantic partners, and feelings of neglect within the context of work relationships. Participants were then administered an in-depth, semi-structured interview inquiring about the above.

Despite the benefits of forgiveness, it can be difficult to cultivate, particularly when the offense results in lasting or severe harm, when the offender refuses to take responsibility, or when the relationship and the offenses are both ongoing.

The interviews revealed three themes related to the perceived negative effects of refusing to forgive on mental health. Specifically, refusing to forgive another impacted how participants felt emotionally; had negative effects on mental health, including on cognitive abilities (such as the ability to think clearly); and led to both social and psychological barriers to their own growth (feeling unable to move forward). Among other things, participants reported unforgiveness contributed to feelings of anger, guilt, or bitterness, left them feeling drained, and could lead to carrying bitterness into subsequent relationships. One participant stated he had experienced feelings of “darkness,” depression, and suicidal thoughts. He said forgiveness led to alleviation of his depressive symptoms and desire to self-harm, and resulted in greater personal happiness. Others said forgiving another led to greater feelings of spiritual transformation, inner peace, joy, personal empowerment, and meaning. In addition to these benefits, several participants said their relationships improved after adopting an attitude of forgiveness.

There appeared to be no obvious distinctions in these themes on the basis of religious or spiritual affiliation.

Barriers to (and Facilitators of) Forgiveness

The study participants acknowledged there were factors that made it either easier or more difficult to forgive those who had hurt them. Barriers included feelings of powerlessness; if the offender refused to acknowledge the offense; if participants ruminated on the hurtful act; having a desire for revenge; ongoing transgressions by the offending party; and physical proximity to the offender.

Yet, these same respondents also said certain other factors facilitated forgiveness. These included feeling a sense of connectedness with others; focusing on the positive qualities of the offender or relationship; beliefs about being of benefit to others; engaging in meditation, self-observation or prayer; feelings of empathy for the offender; persistent effort (by the offender) to repair the situation; and talking to and support from friends.

The Bottom Line

The researchers concluded that the study participants experienced benefits largely from applying inner transforming strategies such as those mentioned above but without necessarily expecting a change in external conditions (i.e., the offender or the relationship with the offender). This strategy or approach appeared to lead to greater levels of forgiveness and mental well-being.

It’s worth noting this study was conducted with a small sample of people who were selected precisely because they had been able to forgive personal hurts. The message that forgiveness is healthier and more rewarding than holding on to anger, bitterness, and desire for revenge is worth paying attention to, however.

How to Cultivate Forgiveness

Despite the benefits of forgiveness, it can be difficult to cultivate, particularly when the offense results in lasting or severe harm, when the offender refuses to take responsibility, or when the relationship and the offenses are both ongoing. What follows are some thoughts on how to cultivate forgiveness while maintaining feelings of safety and healthy boundaries.

1. Forgiving someone does not mean you need to allow that person to continue hurting you. You can release anger, bitterness, and the desire for vengeance while still setting limits. The limits, which will look different depending on the relationship, can range from severing a relationship altogether to limiting contact and setting guidelines for whatever contact you wish to maintain.
2. Mindfulness has been shown to have a number of benefits related to good mental health and can help foster self-compassion. Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness, consideration, and acceptance you afford others. Self-compassion has also been shown to increase compassion for others—which can help you get to a place of forgiveness.
3. Remember you cannot heal another person, nor can you make them kinder, more self-aware, or more empathic. That said, you are also not responsible for the choices others make. Remembering these things can help you detach from the need to change others or how they feel about you.

Reference:

Akhtar, S., Dolan, A., & Barlow, J. (2017). Understanding the relationship between state forgiveness and psychological wellbeing: A qualitative study. Journal of Religion and Health, 56(2), 450–463.

Recently, I sat in session with a married couple named Dara and Mike. Speaking to one of the issues that brought them to therapy, Dara said, “Every time I tell him I don’t feel like a priority, he tells me it’s not true. Yet, he never spends any time with me.”

Dara began to tear up. I asked her what she felt in that moment. “Lonely,” she responded.

I turned to Mike and asked him, “What is it like for you to hear Dara say this makes her feel lonely?”

He turned to her and said, “I’m sorry you feel that way. That wasn’t my intention.”

Imagine a beautiful song on a record player suddenly coming to a screeching halt. What happened here?

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As an intimacy breakthrough specialist, I can deconstruct this moment in many different ways. For this article, I’m going to focus specifically on Mike’s apology.

I promptly asked Mike, “Mike, what are YOU feeling right now?”

“Nothing,” he replied.

“Let’s talk about that,” I said.

Mike and I talked about four common mistakes partners make when apologizing.

Mistake No. 1

Your apology feels meaningless when you speak from a place of defense.

Including the words “I’m sorry” in your statement of an apology is not nearly enough. Mike’s apology proved ineffective. While he claims to have not felt anything, he more likely felt defensive and did not realize it. Defensiveness shut him down to what his wife was feeling. As a result, his apology did not feel sincere or heartfelt to Dara.

Mistake No. 2

Your apology lacks accountability when you focus on how your partner feels instead of what you did.

Mike phrased his apology as, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Notice how his apology focuses on Dara. It says nothing about him or his actions. It is as if he is making her feel bad for having her feelings, rather than focusing on how he has influenced those feelings. Basically, it’s an apology cop-out.

Mistake No. 3

Your apology feels empty and disconnected when you lack empathy.

When I asked Mike what he felt, he said, “Nothing.” Defense likely kept him from feeling sadness or any form of genuine empathy for Dara. Empathy required Mike to feel what Dara felt. If he allowed himself to look into her eyes, to see her tears, to connect to his own sadness and loneliness, he might have better understood Dara’s feelings. He then could have offered a more caring and meaningful response.

Mistake No. 4

Your apology focuses on intention and not consequences.

Intentions are great, but when they don’t produce the results you want, you need to reexamine what you are doing. It’s easier to hide behind your “intention” than it is to face the consequences of your actions.

I can recall specific times I have made this mistake. Intentions are great, but when they don’t produce the results you want, you need to reexamine what you are doing. It’s easier to hide behind your “intention” than it is to face the consequences of your actions.

Through our conversation, Mike quickly realized how and why Dara did not accept his apology. Once he dropped his defensive stance, he tuned into her more and allowed himself to step into his more difficult feelings of sadness. He finally connected to Dara’s pain and offered a genuine and sincere apology.

Dara felt his empathy and accepted his words. Their shared sadness helped them connect to their mutual vulnerability. This connection gave them a moment of true intimacy.

Conclusion

If you think you’ve apologized to someone and you can’t figure out why they won’t just “let it go,” check to see if your apology makes any of the four common mistakes above. If so, see if you can better align with your partner emotionally so you can truly understand their perspective. Drop your defenses and take an honest assessment of your actions. If you find that, yes, your partner’s perspective has a grain of truth, apologize for your part in it. For real.

Note: Names in the preceding account were changed to protect confidentiality.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’ll just say it: I hate my parents with every fiber of my being. I’m pretty sure they hate me, too. My dad beat me almost every day when I was little, and never had anything nice to say when I was growing up. He was always on drugs, burned me with his cigarettes, told me I was garbage. Which is exactly what I felt like. My mom stood by and let it happen. He hit her too. I watched it happen. She took it out on me. She wouldn’t even let me eat some nights. I wish I had reported them, but I never did. I was too afraid of what would happen to me.

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I am 27 now, and until last week I had not talked to either of my parents in years. Then, out of the blue, my mom calls me. I hung up right away. She’s called me twice since, leaving messages saying she hopes I’m happy. She said she thinks I should forgive them and doesn’t understand why I won’t talk to her. I’m like, “Really?”

I don’t know why she’s suddenly interested in my life, but I don’t care. I’m not one of those people who thinks just because you accidentally got pregnant and had a kid, your kid owes you something. I had terrible parents. I had the worst childhood you can imagine. I don’t want to be my parents’ son anymore. I don’t want anything to do with them. I don’t see that ever changing, either.

I know hate is an ugly word. Article after article says it’s “unhealthy” to hate and that it’s “healthy” to forgive. But I hate my parents. I can’t forgive them. And what’s worse is I hate that I hate my parents, which makes me hate myself. I don’t know what to do with that except what I’ve always done: nothing. —No Love Lost

Dear NLL,

I’m sorry to hear about what sounds like an awful childhood. In some ways, the blaming and emotional abuse you experienced may be even more impactful than the physical abuse; scars that remain invisible often take the longest to acknowledge and heal.

You mention reading about how it’s “healthy” forgive one’s parents, let go of the past, etc. Whenever I’ve talked with people about some of their overwhelmingly toxic parents (yours appear to fit in that category, I’m afraid), I’ve had cause to doubt this maxim profoundly. In some cases, we may be unable to forgive until there has been some parental or caregiver recognition of the abuse and suffering inflicted upon us. Furthermore, an ongoing lack of recognition of abuse or neglect indicates the toxicity persists. Setting a boundary, as you have, is reasonable and may in fact be the safest way forward.

Whatever your mother’s reasons for wanting to connect with you, she cannot reasonably expect to set the terms of any relationship with you. The terms are yours to define, and she needs to respect them, even if it means no contact.

Emotional experience is subtle and complex. It’s possible—through therapy and other avenues— to simultaneously heal wounds of the past and set boundaries with toxic others. It is vital to acknowledge your emotional authenticity and experience, however painful or awkward. Otherwise, your psychological agency is in danger of becoming fractured, dissociated, or radically undermined.

This brings to mind a person I worked with many years ago whose mother actively intervened (starting in elementary school) to ruin her son’s friendships with others because she felt no one was “good” or “pure” enough. The way she “protected” him was to gossip behind his back to teachers and his friends’ parents about what a untrustworthy and generally nasty kid he was, going so far as to whisper in the ear of the local pastor to keep an eye on her “wayward” son. This awful behavior had the desired effect: the friends he wanted were told by their parents to stay away from him, and he grew up with insecurity issues that led to drug addiction.

When he grew older and entered therapy, the son fiercely resented his mother’s behavior (while struggling with guilt over “hating” her) and refused to comply with her demands that he write and call her regularly. He came to recognize her chief aim was to isolate him—a classic abuse technique—so he might become a surrogate “friend” and stop trying to have his own life. Her alcohol-addicted husband worked long hours, and when home he remained locked in his den watching television, sipping booze. Unable to address her husband, she directed her rage at her son and essentially held him hostage with her manipulations and subterfuge.

A couple of years ago, I had the good fortune of studying with a longtime psychoanalyst and mentor. I asked about forgiveness of one’s parents as a “must.” You see, I had inadvertently caused some controversy in one of my doctoral seminars after reading an article by a psychoanalyst who felt that forgiving one’s parents was a sign of maturity; I disagreed, as I felt there could be no global rule about forgiveness as it pertains to one’s parents, and clashed with my fellow students and instructors.

My mentor waved off this “doctrine” in no uncertain terms. “Why do you have to forgive your parents?” he wondered aloud. “I’ve never been a fan of that idea. Especially if they were horrible to their kids. Am I going to tell a woman who experienced incest with her dad, with a mom who denied such things ever happened, ‘get over it’ or ‘move on’? Of course not. And anyway, do we really want requirements of the people we help? What do we do if they can’t or won’t forgive? Refuse to see them? Give them moral instruction? That’s repeating the very abuse they’re trying so hard to escape.”

All of this is a way of saying this: Do what feels safe and right to you. Keep your boundary. The fact you took the time to write means there’s some part of you that treasures your own preservation and well-being; trust your instincts! Also, the fact you have set a boundary and had such a human, understandable, and honest reaction to your mother’s recent contact tells me you’re probably the healthiest person in your family. The healthiest person is often the first to seek therapy, as it turns out.

I have discovered over time that the kind of harsh and unspeakably cruel treatment you received may impact a person in a way that can be hard to assess without empathic observation and support.

Speaking of which, I would encourage you to seek a counselor, preferably one who can address the psychodynamics of such pernicious abuse. The damage can be very subtle. I discovered over time that the kind of harsh and unspeakably cruel treatment you received may impact a person in a way that can be hard to assess without empathic observation and support.

You might say the vulnerable part of us, which we have to hide or “put away” in an abusive context, inevitably emerges as we try to fulfill our hopes and goals for an authentic life, especially in regard to relationships with others (sexual/romantic, friendships, even educationally or professionally). Sustaining hope means remaining vulnerable. Some people end up sabotaging their own hopes, or withdrawing from life, due to the savagery of past suffering. Finding a competent healer might be the most loving thing you could do for yourself.

Hating your parents is one thing. Hating yourself for hating them is quite another. You clearly don’t deserve that burden. A competent therapist can help you recognize and have compassion for the forces at work in your self-directed misgivings.

One final note: Are there are any other family members you can talk to who “get” your experience and can validate it? A cousin, aunt or uncle, even close family friend? The son I spoke of earlier had an aunt who was far more balanced than his own mother, and he and his aunt developed a fairly close rapport. The aunt validated his experience as real, which was an important aspect of his coming to terms with his experience and moving forward.

I hope this has been helpful. I further hope you are able to find the peace so unfairly denied to you by your parents.

Kind regards,

Darren Haber, MA, MFT