When you begin your mental health journey, you will be astounded to see similar hurdles with friends and loved ones. Finding the right way to communicate the need to “get help” can be challenging due to the lingering stigma surrounding therapy. This should serve as a guide or inspiration if you find yourself in this situation with someone close or an acquaintance.

Here are tips to navigate the “Go get therapy!” conversation:

1. Ask Permission:

Begin the conversation with “May I ask about your mental health?” or “May I please speak to you about a personal topic?” While this phrase may seem awkward or silly, when you ask permission to address this topic it will instantly bring the attention to your conversation and set the tone for kindness. Asking permission allows the other party to have agency, and this invites them rather than forces them to hear your concerns.

2. Be Vulnerable:

If you have had mental health support in the past, or if you wish you would have had the help of a therapist, speaking from your own experience can “normalize” the topic. When we relate a personal situation and show our vulnerability we invite the other person to be equally vulnerable.

3. Share Practical Resources:

When you express your concern for the mental health of someone else, you may find that having a practical resource is a great tool. You may suggest that the individual contact their Primary Care Doctor, or their insurance company. If your friend or loved one would benefit from a consultation with Bridge to Wellness Counseling, please email Support@BridgetoWellnessCounselingSF.com. Our practice policy is to always provide referrals to other resources if there is a waiting list. This ensures that your friend won’t be turned away without guidance.

4. Address the Stigma:

We still live in a society where talking about mental health, mental illness, or even going to therapy has some lingering negative connotation. By expressing that this topic can be uncomfortable, that it is hard to face, and that there may be some judgment in this area is realistic. Every time we address this stigma we are making the effect less difficult on ourselves and our community. This is a very small way to make a difference on an individual level.

5. Escalate the Issue:

Mental illness can be serious and there may be times when this conversation takes a challenging turn. Never hesitate to call 911 or 988 for a mental health emergency.

6. Bonus Tip:

If you are unsure if your friend or loved one is in a mental health crisis, always err on the side of caution. You may save a life.

To make a referral to Bridge to Wellness Counseling, you may email Support@BridgetoWellnessCounselingSF.com. You can reach us by call or text at 415-870-6494. We offer a free consultation for all prospective clients, and this can be booked directly on the website at www.BridgetoWellnessCounselingSF.com.

by Carey Cloyd, Marriage and Family Therapist

Women’s Issues: 4 Tips for Making Female Friends as an Adult

Creating and fostering friendships can take more effort and intention as an adult when one is no longer in school. This can depend in part on one’s workplace and role. However, many people report finding it more difficult to make friends as an adult than they did as a child – and for women, this challenge may feel pronounced. It is important to address any feelings of isolation and loneliness by actively cultivating friendships with other women to feel more bonded and supported. Friendships have been shown to help decrease anxiety, stress, and worry, positively impacting overall health and well-being.

4 Tips for Cultivating Female Friendships

#1 Take action and be consistent.

It is important to both respond to and reach out to female friends when it is authentic for one to do so. Of course, some balance in who is initiating contact is generally appreciated and valuable. Finding and maintaining a balance in who is initiating can be an important factor as you consider to what degree you’re moved to invest in a new friendship. You may assume that others are uninterested, when in fact, they may have some of the same needs, desires, concerns, and interests in a friendship that you do.

Get the ball rolling: You can give someone a compliment, initiate a conversation, and extend an invitation for a walk or to lunch. 

#2 Know that rejection is part of the experience.

In your quest to develop and maintain friendships, feelings of rejection and abandonment may arise. It is best to expect that such feelings will arise sometimes. Remember that you are assessing the friendship, as well as being assessed by your new connection. Someone may not feel the same level of interest as you do and/or may not be a friendship match for you. If someone is not interested in continuing a friendship, their disinterest may be an accurate indicator of the viability of a friendship. This doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. One-sided friendships hurt, and you don’t have to languish over them. Move forward and continue to look for like-minded companions with shared interests.

#3 Don’t focus on numbers; focus on quality relationships.

Many assume that someone with many friends is more socially successful and better off than those with just a few friends. It’s not quite so simple. Personalities differ; while some people thrive socializing with many people, others shine in relationships with a few people. It’s most important what works best for you. This knowledge about yourself is where self-care and self-acceptance come in.

#4 Keep it going!

If there is momentum created in a new female friendship, make sure to keep it up. Fostering adult friendship takes time, attention, focus, and care. There may be a longer lapse than usual between visits or phone calls, etc. You can be the one to pick up the ball and initiate contact to keep the relationship going. For some, it may be nice to settle into a routine when you have contact on a relatively regular basis—be that daily, weekly, monthly, or quarterly. Find what fits for you and each of your friends, knowing that there may be changes over a long friendship based on current circumstances.

If you’re feeling scared, lonely, or overwhelmed by feelings of isolation, reaching out to a therapist in your area for support might be the best thing you could do.

Jealousy and envy can be complex to understand and work through, whether you’re experiencing them yourself or facing them from someone else.

These normal human emotions can help people know when to take action to protect people and things important to them. Experiencing jealousy doesn’t make someone a bad or toxic person. But not addressing it (or dealing with it in unhealthy ways) can affect emotional well-being, lead to resentment, and cause relationships to fester.

Friendships characterized by jealousy or envy may become toxic, so we’re offering some guidance on how to recognize jealousy in a friendship and productive ways to cope with it.

Six Signs Your Friend Is Jealous

There’s nothing wrong with wanting nice things, whether these are possessions, promising opportunities, or good relationships. In fact, many people generally feel some level of envy when a friend or loved one experiences success. But these feelings usually pass before long. Often they’re outweighed by an individual’s support or happiness for their friend, even if they still have a lingering desire for what their friend has.

However, sometimes these feelings don’t clear up, and you may begin to notice changes in a friend’s behavior. The following six signs can suggest a friend may be struggling with envy.

1. They greet your good news with negativity

When something good happens, you want to tell your closest friends about it. But instead of congratulating or supporting you, an envious friend might point out the possible downsides or have only negative things to say. Alternatively, they could offer congratulations that seem superficial or fake.

2. They frequently try to outdo or one-up you

If you share something positive from your life, a friend dealing with jealousy might respond by sharing something similar, only bigger or better. In other words, you may notice a pattern of behavior where they not only imitate you, but also try to go one step farther.

For example, say you make your first major purchase: a new car. Just a few months later, they purchase the exact same car—but the newest model. Of course, purchasing the same car doesn’t always indicate jealousy. They might simply like the car. This behavior is more likely to suggest jealousy when it happens along with other signs.

You might also notice they tend to quickly turn a conversation toward their own accomplishments or successes. Perhaps you’re talking to a group of friends about becoming serious with the person you’ve been seeing for a while. But this particular friend refocuses the conversation by mentioning they’re planning to move in with their partner next month.

3. They make you feel bad about yourself

A friend experiencing jealousy can quickly make you feel guilty or bad about an accomplishment or success, no matter how wonderful you felt about it originally. They might do this intentionally or unintentionally—it’s not always easy to tell. But it can still get you down.

A jealous friend might also insist you were just lucky. They may make you feel as if you aren’t worthy of your successes or that you just happened to be in the right place at the right time. You may be told to “enjoy your luck while you can.”

Some people who tend toward pessimism often bring up what they see as potential drawbacks of a situation. This doesn’t always indicate jealousy. In their mind, they may simply want to help you prepare for a negative outcome because they care. Regardless, if this behavior bothers you, it’s important to point this out and talk to your friend about how you feel.

Reach out to one of our therapists in Salt Lake City, UT or find a therapist in a city near you. 

4. They struggle with insecurity and self-esteem

People who lack a well-developed sense of self-worth, feel inferior to others, or feel insecure about their own abilities may be more prone to jealousy. They might also experience stronger feelings of jealousy.

According to a 2009 study published in the Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, preteens and young teens who felt like they couldn’t have the friendships they desired or felt insecure about their friendships appeared to be more vulnerable to jealousy. The study also found that increased jealousy often led to problems with friends and emotional turmoil.

Research from 2005 also found adolescents with lower levels of self-worth also reported more friendship jealousy than adolescents with higher levels of self-worth.

6. They don’t offer support

Someone who’s jealous of what you’ve achieved—a promotion, a new relationship, or even just a better apartment—probably won’t offer much support. They may even go so far as to say hurtful things, whether they intend them to hurt you or not. They could also actively discourage you from pursuing your goals further.

The Trap of Self-Deprecation

If you notice sharing certain things with your friend sparks a negative reaction, you might choose to keep your accomplishments to yourself. You may also make a habit of putting yourself down around them, even when you know you’ve done something well.

While your goal might be to shield your friend and protect your friendship, this strategy usually doesn’t help. If you talk down a success or achievement, your friend may simply see that as not appreciating your luck or advantages. This won’t do much to lessen their jealousy, and they may also come to resent you.

Remember that envy and jealousy are both normal. Your friend may even be aware of their behavior but not know how to manage their feelings any differently. Talking about the issue often works better than pretending it doesn’t exist.

Talking About Jealousy with an Open Mind

Persistent jealousy can come between friends. If you’ve noticed signs of jealousy or feel your friendship has changed, talking about it can help.

The way you start the conversation can make a big difference. Rather than accusing your friend of being jealous, focus on a few behaviors—negative comments, for example—that concern you. Use “I” statements to tell your friend how you feel.

The negativity accompanying your friend’s envy might be fueled by the fear that you, or the friendship, will change.Although your friend’s behavior may frustrate you, try to focus on what you value about them and the friendship you share.  Consider things from their point of view, especially if you know they’ve dealt with challenges recently. Although they care for you and feel happy for you, seeing your success may cause pain if they’ve recently experienced a setback in the same area.

It can also help to consider your own behavior. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to share your good news, and you shouldn’t feel you have to keep achievements from your loved ones. But if you just bought a new car or starting dating someone great, ask yourself if you’ve been bringing that up a lot lately. Try focusing conversations on things your friend values instead. Point out things you value about them or congratulate their achievements—just make sure you do so sincerely.

When Your Friendship Needs a Break

Jealousy can happen for a lot of reasons, self-doubt and insecurity among them. Resistance to change is another underlying factor often contributing to maladaptive behaviors. The negativity accompanying your friend’s envy might be fueled by the fear that you, or the friendship, will change.

Often, talking to your friend can help you work through jealousy together. But if you’ve tried talking to your friend and their behavior doesn’t change, you may want to take some time apart or even end the friendship.

It can be difficult to know when this is the best option. But in general, if the friendship exhausts you or drains you emotionally, it’s wise to take a step back, at least temporarily. You may want to consider some time away if:

• Most of your conversations are characterized by petty remarks or other unpleasant behaviors.
• They constantly make you feel bad about yourself.
• They often try to pick fights.

Ending a friendship can be a painful process, but therapy can help you work through the loss. A compassionate therapist can also offer guidance and support if you’re trying to address jealousy with a friend or save a friendship.

References:

1. Gottlieb, L. (2018, August 6). Dear therapist: My friend treats me differently since I lost weight. The Atlantic. Retrieved from https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/08/dear-therapist/566753
2. Lavallee, K. L., & Parker, J. G. (2009). The role of inflexible friendship beliefs, rumination, and low self-worth in early adolescents’ friendship jealousy and adjustment. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 37(6), 873-885. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19337827
3. Parker, J. G., Low, C. M., Walker, A. R., & Gamm, B. K. (2005). Friendship jealousy in young adolescents: Individual differences and links to sex, self-esteem, aggression, and social adjustment. Developmental Psychology, 41(1), 235-250. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15656752
4. Ramachandran, V. S., & Jalal, B. (2017, September 19). The evolutionary psychology of envy and jealousy. Frontiers in Psychology, 8(1). Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5609545

Unrequited love is part of the human experience. At some point in life, most people will develop romantic feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way about them. A study of college students and high school students found unrequited love was 4 times as common as reciprocated, equal love. This type of one-sided love is typically more intense than a passing crush, and it often lasts longer.

Experiencing rejection after you’ve risked telling someone how you feel can cause a great deal of pain. In fact, some research has suggested pain associated with rejection causes brain activity resembles that caused by physical pain. Yet knowing unrequited love happens to most of us may not make that pain any easier to bear.

If you’ve ever loved someone who doesn’t return your feelings, you may have tried to cope by turning to your friends for support. But what happens when the object of unrequited love is a friend? Dealing with the pain of unrequited love may be even harder if you’re already close to the person you’ve fallen for. You might not understand how they can reject you when you’ve shared so much.

Over time, though, you may come to believe it’s more important to treasure the friendship you do have instead of wondering about other possibilities. If you want to sustain the friendship through the challenge of unrequited love, know that it’s often possible to do so.

Keep in mind, though, that it’s important to consider your intentions honestly. If you continue the friendship because you’re secretly hoping they’ll change their mind, you’re not honoring yourself, your friend, or your friendship. In the end, this deception can lead to more pain for you and your friend.

Why Do We Fall for Our Friends?

Developing romantic feelings for friends isn’t uncommon. Love grows over time, and strong friendships that last for years often provide numerous opportunities for intimacy to flourish.

• Friendship as a gateway to love: Many people believe a strong friendship is an essential foundation of a romantic partnership and prefer to build a friendship with potential partners first. This belief could help create a tendency to see friends as potential love interests.
• Proximity: People generally spend a lot of time with close friends. Eventually it may become difficult to imagine not seeing a particular friend often.
• Shared hobbies: Friendships often grow out of shared interests. Having multiple hobbies, interests, or other things in common with one person can make them seem even more like an ideal romantic partner.
• Mixed signals in a friendship: Some friendships are characterized by flirtatious jokes, physical affection, or other behaviors typical of romantic relationships. Mixed signals won’t “make” you fall in love with someone if attraction isn’t already there. But frequent touching or affectionate nicknames can fan the flames, so to speak, by giving the impression of a mutual interest.
• Attachment style: A 1998 study found people with an anxious/ambivalent attachment style were more likely to experience unrequited love. Attachment styles have their basis in childhood. If your primary caregiver was unpredictable with affection or met your needs inconsistently, you may grow up unconsciously reenacting that dynamic in adulthood. In other words, you may be more likely to develop romantic attraction for people who are unlikely to return your feelings.

Can Friendship Survive Rejection?

You told your friend how you feel. They apologized and said they just didn’t feel the same way, though they valued your friendship. You agreed the friendship was important and assured them you wanted to stay friends. You feel sad and hurt, but you’ve experienced rejection before and know the feelings will pass in time. In the meantime, how do you deal with frustration and pain while continuing to spend time with your friend as if nothing had happened?

First, it’s important to understand your feelings are normal. It’s normal to grieve, to feel hurt, sad, confused, or angry. But it’s also important not to direct those feelings at your friend. As long as they didn’t lie to you or lead you on, they’re simply being honest about their feelings, just as you were with yours. Your friend can’t help having platonic affection for you, just as you can’t help having romantic affection for your friend.

When your friend doesn’t return your romantic feelings, you both might struggle to deal with the situation. Yet friendships can recover from unrequited love if the situation is addressed with care and maturity. What happens next depends on both you and your friend.

Dealing with Awkwardness

Some friendships may continue but feel slightly different. You might experience some awkward interactions or occasionally feel embarrassed around each other. This isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault—this can happen even if you both truly want to remain friends. It may simply indicate you both need time to recover.

According to research published in Michael Motley’s Studies in Interpersonal Communications, friendships often end after a confession of unrequited love when awkwardness or embarrassment develops. To avoid awkwardness, it may help to avoid bringing up the situation once you’ve agreed you want to stay friends. Instead, move forward from it.

Jealousy is a common emotion, and it’s not inherently harmful. However, it’s important to manage jealousy in safe and healthy ways. Acknowledging what you feel is often a helpful way to start.It may feel more natural to completely avoid your friend, but Motley’s research suggests friends who continue to talk and see each other are more likely to remain friends than those who stay away from each other. This isn’t to say you shouldn’t give yourself some space. Even if you don’t feel you need it, it can help to take time for healing.

Your friend might also need space. If they seem distant after you’ve told them how you feel, consider that they too may need to work through what happened. They may feel sadness or guilt and wonder how to act to prevent hurting you further. Give them some time. If you communicated daily in the past, after a few days you might send a casual message letting them know you’re there when they’re ready. Then wait for them to reach out.

On the other hand, your friendship could also bounce back right away. But this scenario can present other challenges. If your friend has a partner already or begins dating someone before you’ve fully healed from the rejection, you may feel hurt and jealous. You may end up comparing yourself to their partner, and anger or resentment can develop.

Jealousy is a common emotion, and it’s not inherently harmful. However, it’s important to manage jealousy in safe and healthy ways. Acknowledging what you feel is often a helpful way to start. Open communication can also help. If this isn’t possible in your situation, try talking to another close friend or a counselor.

Tips for Moving On

If you’re struggling to get over the rejection after an extended period of time, it may be best to draw back from the friendship while you heal. It may help to interact with your friend in group settings rather than one-on-one. If you find yourself texting or calling them frequently, it may be best to take a break from contacting them.

If your friendship was characterized by affectionate gestures or flirtatiousness in the past, it’s probably better for you both to avoid this behavior, at least until your friendship has healed. Otherwise you might give your friend the impression you aren’t actually okay with remaining friends.

It is common to feel a decreased sense of self-worth or low self-esteem after rejection. Rejection can have an even more significant effect if your friend has been supportive through other instances of heartbreak. Reaching out to other loved ones can help when you’re having trouble separating the pain of rejection from your worth as a person.

Meeting new people can also help. Trying to date when you’re still recovering from rejection may not seem appealing at first. If you’re still feeling heartbroken, you may not feel ready to consider any other potential romantic partners. But dating casually—meeting someone for a short coffee date, for example—can actually help you begin to heal. Even if you plan to keep things casual, a few fun dates can distract you from what you’re feeling. It can also help you realize that you have plenty of romantic options.

Getting Help for Heartbreak

Grief and jealousy often accompany rejection and heartbreak, and it’s not always easy to cope on your own. Therapy is highly recommended when painful emotions interfere with daily life or make it hard to think about anything else. If you’re struggling, we encourage you to reach out to a mental health professional.

It may seem hard to believe, but you will heal in time. A therapist or counselor can support healing by helping you work through what you’re feeling in a productive way. Our therapist directory can help you find a compassionate mental health provider in your area.

References:

1. Aron, A., Aron, E. N., Allen, J. (1998, August 1). Motivations for unreciprocated love. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 24(8), 787-796. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167298248001
2. Bringle, R. G., Winnick, T., & Rydell, R. J. (2013). The prevalence and nature of unrequited love. SAGE Open. Retrieved from https://scholarworks.iupui.edu/bitstream/handle/1805/15150/2158244013492160.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y
3. Davis, S. (2018, October 22). Anxious/ambivalent attachment style: An examination of its causes and how it affects adult relationships. Retrieved from https://cptsdfoundation.org/2018/10/22/anxious-ambivalent-attachment-style-an-examination-of-its-causes-and-how-it-affects-adult-relationships
4. Morain, C. (2009, January 21). Unrequited love: How to stay friends. Retrieved from https://www.ucdavis.edu/news/unrequited-love-how-stay-friends
5. Weir, K. (2012). The pain of social rejection. Monitor on Psychology, 43(4). Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection

INFOGRAPHIC TEXT:  HOW MANY FRIENDS DOES THE AVERAGE PERSON HAVE?

According to a 2004 Gallup poll, Americans have an average of 8-9 close friends. More specifically:

• 2% have no close friends
• 14% have 1-2 close friends
• 39% have 3-5 close friends
• 18% have 6-9 close friends
• 27% have 10 or more friends

According to anthropologist Robin Dunbar, human brains have a limit on how many meaningful relationships they can keep track of. Dunbar says most people can have up to:

• 5 intimate bonds: spouses, best friends, and so on
• 15 close friends: people you trust and spend time with regularly
• 50 friends: people you would invite to a personal event like a wedding or dinner
• 150 casual friends: people you would invite to a big party

A recent survey seems to support Dunbar’s theory. Researchers found the average Facebook user

• Has 155 friends on the platform
• Only considers 43 contacts to be genuine friends
• Would only trust 4 of their Facebook friends in a crisis

References:

1. Carroll, J. (2004, March 5). Americans satisfied with number of friends, closeness of friendships. Gallup News Service. Retrieved from https://bit.ly/2xNp05p
2. Knapton, S. (2016, January 20) Facebook users have 155 friends—but would trust just four in a crisis. The Telegraph. Retrieved from https://bit.ly/2Kp8Cj4
3. Konnikova, M. (2014, October 7). The Limits of Friendship. The New Yorker. Retrieved from https://bit.ly/2hHO4BM

Many couples have at their core a deep and abiding friendship. According to psychologist and researcher Dr. John Gottman, having a strong friendship is one of the most important traits that makes a marriage fulfilling and lasting. Quality relationships outside the marriage are also key for a rich and fulfilling life. But when those relationships cross boundaries and become inappropriate, a marriage can quickly be turned upside down and torn inside out. Couples can benefit from constructing clear boundaries to protect their marriage.

Setting Boundaries with Friends

In my own life I have the joy of celebrating 28 years of marriage. I can say my husband is my best friend. Early on in our marriage we began the practice of exercising healthy boundaries with our friendships, specifically those friendships with people of the opposite gender. We made a list of clear lines of demarcation in other relationships, as we never want to compromise our marriage.

Contrary to what many believe, not all affairs are due to a troubled marriage or a lack of love between spouses. A loving marriage and good friendships can coexist if you are careful and cognizant of not crossing emotional and physical boundaries. Physical boundaries are fairly obvious; however, what many people don’t understand is that emotional affairs generally happen gradually. From there they may transition into physical affairs, creating havoc and turmoil when they are exposed.

The challenging aspect is that many emotional affairs don’t set out to be so. Infidelity often starts out simply in workplace relationships, platonic friendships, or community acquaintances. Generally, they happen without premeditation. It is when people start to cross boundaries of emotional intimacy, sharing information which should only be discussed with their spouse, that trouble begins.

When emotional boundaries are crossed, it gradually leads to more and more intimate communication being shared. Stronger feelings may grow, and before the person knows it, they’ve developed an attraction for their friend. If left unchecked, this will most likely lead to sexual infidelity and most assuredly violate the security of the marriage.

How can you tell if you or your spouse are in the danger zone with your other friendships?

15 Signs Your Friendship Has Crossed the Line

1. When talking to your friend, you feel more comfortable confiding in them than you do your spouse.
2. When talking to your friend, you share negative thoughts or feelings that you have toward your spouse.
3. When talking to your friend, you share intimate details about your life, more so than with your spouse.
4. You do not share the extent of your friendship with your spouse.
5. Your spouse does not know about your relationship with your friend.
6. You would feel uncomfortable if your spouse were to listen in on the conversations you have with your friend.
7. You find yourself thinking about your friend more than you know you should be.
8. You look forward to being with your friend more so than with your spouse.
9. You meet your friend alone for coffee or meals without your spouse knowing about it.
10. You regularly engage with your friend on social media without your spouse’s knowledge.
11. You feel a sexual tension or attraction when you are with your friend.
12. You and your friend are discussing the sexual tension you are both feeling in the friendship.
13. When you and your friend are alone, you interact differently than when other people are around.
14. You find yourself regularly looking forward to meeting with your friend.
15. You are in love with your friend.

If you disagreed with all these statements, then most likely you are not having an emotional affair. If you agreed with most of these questions, then you may be involved in an emotional affair.

Ending an Emotional Affair

If you are having an emotional affair, you may be jeopardizing your marriage. It may be a good idea to put an end to that friendship. If this is a work colleague or someone you must see on a regular basis, you may want to consider putting up some strong boundaries starting now. If you desire to preserve your marriage, you may want to seek out the support of a therapist to help you process your feelings and hold you accountable.

Contrary to what many believe, not all affairs are due to a troubled marriage or a lack of love between spouses. In my practice I often find couples get caught up in careers, raising children, or caring for elderly parents. All these commitments can cause people to lose sight of their marriage or spouse. Healing the marriage is often just a matter of not taking our spouse for granted and making sure we stay emotionally connected to our partner.

Reference:

Glass, S. P. (2004). Not ‘just friends’: Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity. New York, NY: Free Press.

Dear GoodTherapy,

My best friend and I have known each other since college. We started out as “enemies,” competing to see who could get the best grades, run the fastest mile … you get the idea. Rivalry led to grudging respect, which in turn led to a ride-or-die brotherhood.

We moved in together after graduation, but the competitive streak never went away. We’ve always been rivals first, friends second. Now that we live together, we have smaller, more personal things to compete over, such as who’s growing the better beard, who makes more money, and so on.

At first it was a blast. We had dumb contests over who could clean their half of the apartment quickest or who could finish their cereal first. It made all the boring parts of adulthood fun.

But after three years, the rivalry has become a drain on my life. I feel as if I’m always putting on a show, like I can’t relax in my own apartment. It’s gotten to the point where I’m driving the scenic route home, buying a few more minutes to myself.

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Part of me wonders if I lost my enthusiasm because my friend got a promotion at his job before I did. I’m happy for him, really. But now there’s this unspoken tension between us. My line of work requires a lot more training than his does, so I won’t catch up financially in two years at least. I’m finding myself being more competitive about fitness to compensate, even though I’m already exhausted.

I want to quit this never-ending competition, or at least dial it back some. But if I talk to my friend about it, I’ll be “surrendering,” and my pride can’t take that. Is there any way for me to bow out of this rivalry without losing my friend’s respect? —Can’t Compete

Dear CC,

It’s funny you ask me that, because your competitor/friend also just wrote to me, and I’m trying to decide which is the better question.

Okay, I’m kidding. I appreciate the question. To be honest, it sounds like an excellent premise for a comedy film or short story. I can see the caption now: “Let the game begin!” with two serious young men staring at us.

I can’t help but wonder what keeps it going, and (in all seriousness) what makes the stakes so important. It is somewhat intriguing you have this self-protective pride with (I’m assuming) such a good friend (let’s call him John for the sake of simplicity). What’s up with that?

It makes sense that after three years you have tired of the constant rivalry, which from the sound of it pretty much overwhelms the friendship. I’m trying to imagine what meals at home are like. “Pass the salt.” “Quick: What’s the chemical compound of salt, and which elemental combination is toxic?” It’s a sure way to drive one batty, and I commend you for hanging in there so long. Part of me wonders, in fact, if your friend/rival feels the same.

In fact, it sounds as if the intense, never-ending competition has become a bit toxic, and certainly not fun—which begs the question of why you haven’t discussed it yet.

The moment I typed that question, a thought came to me. Perhaps it is hard for you to tell if “John” is truly a caring friend—would he forgive or accept your wanting to end the exhausting, perpetual contests, or would he lord it over you and say, “Ah, so you couldn’t handle the pressure, eh bro? Guess I win!” If so, the risk then is of possibly losing the friendship or taking a hit to your self-esteem (since obviously his estimation of you matters to you), thus the dilemma of having to endure or continue a competition longer than any iron man contest imaginable.

Now for a bit of oversimplified psychology. The pioneer psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut, who bravely broke away from Sigmund Freud to create a psychoanalytic or psychological perspective based on empathy, spoke of two types of “transferences.” Transference can be understood in myriad ways.

One of the ways I think of it is how we attach to others. Specifically, others who represent the possibility of meeting some of our ongoing or unmet emotional needs. It is not unusual for young men to enter the kind of friendly, even sometimes edgy competition you speak of. Here, however, there seems to be an extra something underscoring the contest; something that is very much at stake, that could be lost if one of you “gives in” or “succumbs.”

Kohut spoke of an idealizing transference and a twinship transference. (There are other types, and this is oversimplified for the sake of brevity.) An idealizing transference tends to be that of a child looking up to a parent in search of positive reflection, encouragement, self-esteem, what have you. In Star Wars, for instance, Luke has competing father figures: the loving and benevolent Obi-Wan Kenobi and the darker, ego-based Darth Vader, each of whom struggles for the allegiance of Luke’s soul.

In this vein, I detect a possible co-idealization going on—either between you and “John,” or between you and some internalized father or authority figure whose possible “approval” (or denial thereof) is at stake in these contests, which have taken on significance. It makes me wonder if each of you sees a bit of your own father (or mother, or some other authority figure) in the other, or if you both invoke a coach you both had who instigated competition and doled out approval. Perhaps, along these lines, the two of you are now enacting or reliving an earlier, unresolved competition, the psychological stakes of which are mutually understood to be high.

This brings me to the second idealization Kohut talks about, which is twinship, or a profound sense of close companionship or cosmic similarity. A twinship is, as the name suggests, analogous to siblings. Using the Skywalker example, Luke turns out to have a profound twinship with his sister Leia, and (SPOILER ALERT!) sacrifices his life for her in the most recent installment. On a more comic level, there is a rich twinship between the two droids, C3PO and R2D2. (Many comic duos are based on such twinships, such as Laurel and Hardy, Hope and Crosby, Cheech and Chong, and man am I dating myself!)

I am curious about whatever deeper or unconscious motivations are pushing this initially rousing (I am guessing) and benevolently competitive twinship into an intensive contest where only one of you “wins” while the other shamefully “loses”—as if some judging but invisible authority figure is hovering close at hand.

It sounds like you are outgrowing the need for your friend’s (or some shared authority figure’s) approval, which to me is a positive sign; growing pains are never easy. You are realizing the rigors of this never-ending trial are becoming absurdly irrelevant and straining.

It sounds like you are outgrowing the need for your friend’s (or some shared authority figure’s) approval, which to me is a positive sign; growing pains are never easy. You are realizing the rigors of this never-ending trial are becoming absurdly irrelevant and straining.

Your task, then, as I see it, would be to find and tap into the “benevolent parent” or Obi-Wan Kenobi aspect of yourself. Confide in a trusted counselor or adviser. Maybe say to John, “Hey, buddy, it’s been fun, but it’s over. I just can’t anymore. Too tiring and time consuming, and we both have a life. We’re not college students anymore, so let’s move on” … or something of the kind.

You might also point out that life itself is competitive, in terms of finding a successful partner, career, and so forth. At what point does this college holdover become a distraction or safer way of competing in a wider, more uncertain, or even more intimidating world? Might the two of you become allies in spurring each other on, since the field of competition (as it were) has grown wider, more vast?

Finally, allow some compassion for the two of you, certainly yourself. Change is difficult, and transitioning into post-college adulthood is daunting. Clearly you have other tasks before you, and life is calling you forth. Sounds like you have good intuition to move on from this, and I would follow it.

Yes, it is risky, as John could become a taunting sibling or even invoke a dark or judging parent or authority figure before your very eyes and shamefully exclaim, “You weakling!” But honestly, so what? Do you really want to have a friend who is that inflexible, so insecure that he must always be competitive? I also imagine, by the way, that any potential romantic partners, were it to continue unabated, might find it distracting. (The comedy film I Love You, Man and similar “bromances” touched on these themes.)

The fact you even sent the question means your psyche or spirit is wanting to grow—which is difficult, to be sure, but a sign of maturity. In the end, you learn that a mark of true self-esteem is not needing to compare yourself, since each person is on their own existential journey. Perhaps this is, in part, what is dawning on you.

Hope this was helpful. Thanks for writing.

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT

You might be an extrovert, introvert, or somewhere in between. Regardless, friendship remains a healthy part of life for most people. Not only can spending time with friends improve a person’s mood, it can also affect mental and physical health. Connecting with others seems to be one key to a healthy mind and body.

So don’t hesitate to show appreciation for the friends who keep you healthy. You can share any of these friendship quotes on social media. Or keep one for yourself as a reminder to be grateful for the friendships in your life!

Remember to follow GoodTherapy.org on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram for more.

Friendship can help people feel connected and allow for the sharing of thoughts and emotions. It may even contribute to a longer lifespan! Without close friendships, isolation and feelings of loneliness can lead to mental health issues such as depression. Studies indicate that people with less social connection may have weaker immune systems and physical health. Other studies show that currently, people report having fewer friends they can confide in than in past years. [fat_widget_right]

There are many reasons a person may have fewer friendships. They may have physical or mental health issues that prevent them from meeting others. Some people might have difficulty with social interaction. This can be due to shyness, social anxiety, autism, or another condition. Others simply prioritize different areas of their life and feel they have little time to invest in friendships.

If you feel a lack of friendship is affecting your mental health, help is available. Speaking with a therapist is one way to work on issues that make friendship difficult. A therapist may help you learn how to meet your personal needs for social connection or share some strategies for making friends. They might help with social skills, time management, or offer guidance in addressing recurring issues that may have harmed past friendships.

References:

1. Britt, R. R. (2006, June 23). Americans lose touch, report fewer close friends. Retrieved from https://www.livescience.com/846-americans-lose-touch-report-close-friends.html
2. Liebendorfer, A. (2012). Just between friends: What sets friendship apart from our other relationships—and why it matters. Retrieved from https://www.ohio.edu/research/communications/Friendship.cfm

Do you have a friend who is diagnosed with a chronic illness? Having a chronic illness can present any number of challenges for the person who has been diagnosed. Some of these challenges may be realized by the loved ones of the person with the illness. At times, these issues also may have some impact on the lives of the people close to the person with the illness.

If you are close to someone who has a chronic illness, you may be very aware of the above. You might also, despite knowing none of these difficulties are the person’s fault, become frustrated with them from time to time.

If you do, it’s okay to admit it. You are not alone in your feelings.

Let me tell you about my good friend Sarah. We met three years ago working at a coffee shop. She is outgoing, intelligent, and driven, and we immediately hit it off. However, Sarah was diagnosed with both fibromyalgia and chronic migraines. Her symptoms flare up unpredictably, and as a result, she has trouble holding a full-time job. In fact, she lost the job at the coffee shop because she couldn’t keep up with her scheduled shifts. When she was fired for absenteeism, I felt bad for her, but to be honest, I was also relieved. Since she called in sick so frequently, coworkers, myself included, were asked to fill in for her, which disrupted our own personal schedules. Needless to say, that was difficult for all of us. [fat_widget_right]

Sarah also battles depression and anxiety related to her diagnoses. I personally can’t imagine what it’s like to live with chronic illness, but I can see how it can be depressing not being able to meet the goals you set, or frequently needing to change plans at a moment’s notice to deal with a flare-up of illness. Sometimes Sarah is too sad to get out of bed and cancels our plans. At other times she’s so anxious it makes her physically sick. Often she’s stuck in her head and doesn’t ask about how I’m doing. While I understand coping with all of the things she experiences must be difficult, it’s very frustrating when she cancels plans at the last minute or spends most of the time, when we do get to spend time together, discussing the physical difficulties she’s currently experiencing.

We show our friends we love them by offering support and our care, but we can’t forget to show love to ourselves by taking care of ourselves at the same time.

I want to support my friend, both in general and through her struggles. Our friendship is too important for me to give up. But I do also want to feel heard and encouraged by her. So as awkward as it was, I initiated a frank and open conversation. Together, we decided the following guidelines could help us both cope with her chronic illness:

1. Be a good listener. While I’m willing to listen and give Sarah support when she faces challenges, I also want to share my thoughts and feelings and be heard by her. Sometimes I just need to ask bluntly for her ear, but she appreciates it when I do and admits that listening to my problems helps take her mind off hers.
2. Be flexible. This is a tough one sometimes, especially if Sarah cancels plans at the last minute. I’ve learned that’s it’s all right to admit I’m disappointed. But it was also important for her to know that canceling plans is not a friendship-breaker. It’s important that we reschedule any canceled dates, but I also follow through with our original plans, even if it means going alone. This helps me not feel resentful about not being able to do what we had planned.
3. Be informed. Before meeting Sarah, I had no idea what fibromyalgia really was. To be completely honest, I thought it was a made-up disease. But after reading clinical articles about it and attending a medical appointment with Sarah, I was better able to better understand how this “invisible illness” affects her life. It helped me learn not to blame her when she canceled our plans.
4. Be mindful. We carefully word the questions we ask each other, using open-ended questions rather than ones that can be answered with a “Yes” or “No.” By doing so, we keep the lines of communication between us open and can get a better understanding of our situations in the moment. I also make sure to remain mindful of how I’m feeling. When I am having a rough day or week and communicate that, I feel better about being able to focus on my own needs.
5. Be honest. Honesty is always the best policy. If Sarah doesn’t feel up to walking around a museum for several hours, then I want her to tell me that. Otherwise, neither one of us will enjoy the date. Likewise, I need to be open with her if I’m feeling frustrated or unheard by her. It isn’t easy to have these kinds of conversations with anyone, but Sarah and I have found that doing so helps us maintain a healthy friendship.

I have found having a friend with a chronic illness to be both a blessing and a challenge. Chronic illness will affect Sarah forever, so as long as we’re friends, I’ll be affected too. Sarah has opened my mind to diagnoses I didn’t know existed, and that has helped me be more understanding of the many challenging situations other people might also be experiencing. My friendship with Sarah has also helped me learn to more effectively identify and understand my own needs. I have also come to better understand just how important it is to maintain open communication and focus on self-care.

We show our friends we love them by offering support and our care, but we can’t forget to show love to ourselves by taking care of ourselves at the same time. If you would like help exploring ways to prioritize self-care or work on communication, a qualified and compassionate therapist or counselor is always a good resource.

References:

1. Metzger, C. (2016, July 22). Have a friend with chronic illness? Here are 10 ways you can help. Huffington Post. Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/have-a-friend-whos-chronically-ill-here-are-10-ways_us_57866e23e4b0e7c8734f4804
2. Renee, B. (2017, November 10). 9 ways to better support someone with chronic illness. The Mighty. Retrieved from https://themighty.com/2017/11/supporting-friends-with-chronic-illnesses

What Is a Tribe?

Broadly defined, a tribe is a community which has shared interests and provides support to its members. A tribe can include family members, but it is not limited to them. Friends, coworkers, neighbors, pets, and many others can comprise our own “tribes.” (My tribe includes a rescued miniature poodle who believes he’s human.)

Why We Need a Tribe

We are born wired for connection. When our ancestors roamed the land for food, moving in numbers was vital to safety and survival. Early settlers in the United States had to rely on each other to survive harsh weather and living conditions. However, as America prospered, our dependence on each other for survival diminished.

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A few years ago, I visited with a kind gentleman who identified as Hawaiian. He shared that many tourists are suspicious of Hawaiians’ friendly nature. The man explained that Hawaii was isolated for many years. Whenever storms came, neighbors had to pull together to support each other. It was wise to show everyone kindness because you never knew when you might need help. Hence the “aloha spirit” was born. He informed me that they are now teaching about the “aloha spirit” in Hawaii’s public schools. Elders are concerned about it fading with the rise of innovation.

Sadly, depression-, anxiety-, and trauma-based health concerns have risen with the dissolution of tribes. Being in connection with those who care about us reduces suffering. A powerful MRI study revealed that simply holding the hand of a loved one reduced one’s experience of pain (Carey, 2006). Tribes buffer us from the negative effects of stress. Connections heal.

Challenges of Finding a Tribe in Adulthood

Once young adults leave the family home, they often experience physical disconnection from major sources of support such as parents, siblings, and friends from childhood. Phone calls and texting can help bridge the gap, but they don’t replace human contact. College and the workplace create opportunities for tribe-building. However, this process becomes more challenging as we age, move, develop families of our own, and live in homes far apart from each other.

In most circumstances, we don’t need to rely on a community to meet our basic needs. If we need food, we go to the grocery store. If we need a tool, we rent it from a hardware store or order it online. Many of us lead busy lives, filled with commitments. Even though we’re trying our best, it can be challenging to find the time and energy to maintain the friendships we do have.

Ways to Find a Tribe

While it can feel challenging to build your tribe in adulthood, there are many ways to do so. A little effort can go a long way toward creating meaningful and supportive relationships. Below are five tips for moving into connection.

A little effort can go a long way toward creating meaningful and supportive relationships.

1. Really get to know your neighbors: I moved into my neighborhood about eight months ago. I realized all my conversations with my neighbors took place in the driveway and lasted about 5 minutes. I recognized I knew little about them and their families. Conversely, they knew little about me and mine. I wanted to create meaningful connections with them, so I decided to take a step. During the holidays, my family and I whipped up loaves of gingerbread. We delivered them to all our neighbors. We enjoyed spreading this cheer. In the process, we got invited to a holiday party, where we met more of our neighbors. We also received a visit from our neighborhood Santa. Sometimes it involves taking the first step and moving outside your comfort zone. Consider organizing a block party, a multifamily garage sale, or a community garden.
2. Find an interest group online: Sometimes, the best place to find like-minded individuals is at an activity you enjoy. Meetup, Facebook, and Nextdoor, among other websites and apps, offer opportunities to find local events of interest. It can feel intimidating to go to one of these events alone. However, it is helpful to remember that others attending likely feel the same way and are eager to meet someone like you. Easy conversation starters include: “What got you interested in [this activity]?” “How long have you been coming to these events?” “Hi, my name is [your name]. This is my first time attending this event. It’s nice to meet you.” If you’re feeling particularly nervous, it can be helpful to reach out to the event coordinator ahead of time to introduce yourself and learn more about the group. For example: “Hi, I’m Jane. I’m excited to see you created a group for rock climbers. I am new to the area and eager to connect with climbers. Is there a good way to locate you and the group once I arrive at the climbing gym?”
3. Seek spiritual community: Churches, synagogues, temples, and mosques can be places to find faith communities. Spiritual communities can also be found outside of organized religions. Meditation groups, dinner groups, and nature groups are just a few examples of opportunities to connect with those who consider themselves spiritual but not necessarily religious.
4. Volunteer: You will probably find like-minded people when you spend time supporting causes you value. Think about issues you care about—social justice, education, equality, etc. Then do an internet search for organizations that support your values. These organizations often have a volunteer area on their websites.
5. Sign up for a class: Is there something you’ve been eager to learn? Perhaps knitting, playing an instrument, or learning a language? An organized class can be a wonderful way to develop new friendships. Many school districts and community colleges offer continuing education classes for nominal fees. Art and crafts shops often offer weekly classes.

“Call it a clan. Call it a network. Call it a tribe. Call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.” —Jane Howard

Reference:

Carey, B. (2006, January 31). Holding loved one’s hand can calm jittery nerves. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/31/health/psychology/holding-loved-ones-hand-can-calm-jittery-neurons.html