Cultural issues can heavily affect women’s sexuality, according to a study published in Sexuality & Culture. They are particularly salient for women who are lesbian and bisexual.

Prior Research

Previous research focused on the way individual factors affect sexuality. For instance, a 2016 study showed women who endorse benevolent sexism are less likely to assert their sexual needs. They are also more likely to tolerate sexual selfishness from their partners.

A 2017 study found relationship issues often prompt women to feign orgasms. They may be prioritizing their partner’s ego or avoiding an argument. Sometimes women fake orgasms to end sex sooner.

Despite the breadth of research on female sexuality, the Sexuality & Culture study is one of the first to compare desire in heterosexual and non-heterosexual women.

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Cultural Factors in Women’s Sexuality

This study involved interviews with 31 women ages 20-69. The researchers interviewed women identifying as bisexual, heterosexual, and lesbian. Questions focused on the relationships between women’s sexual desire, their identity, and their experiences.

Cultural themes played a key role in women’s sexual experiences. The most prominent themes included:

1. Gender roles: The gender binary, relationship dynamics, and body image concerns
2. Religion: Spiritual beliefs regarding sex and gender
3. Cultural shifts: Changes in sexual taboos and expectations
4. Minority stress: Heteronormativity, stigma, and coming out

These cultural themes affected a diverse group of women. However, their role was most prominent among women who identified as non-heterosexual. The researchers suggest this disparity occurs because non-heterosexual women must face challenges related to both sexism and heteronormativity. Compounded stigmas seem to increase their sensitivity to cultural expectations.

To empower women’s sexual expression, advocates should be mindful of how systems of privilege affect sexual desire. Individuals experiencing distress or difficulty relating to these issues may find it beneficial to discuss them with a counselor or therapist.

References:

1. LGBQ* women’s sexual desire particularly impacted by social and cultural pressures. (2017, December 06). University of Kentucky News. Retrieved from https://uknow.uky.edu/research/lgbq-women-s-sexual-desire-particularly-impacted-social-and-cultural-pressures
2. Rosenkrantz, D. E., & Mark, K. P. (2017). The sociocultural context of sexually diverse women’s sexual desire. Sexuality & Culture. doi:10.1007/s12119-017-9462-6

When I was 13 years old, I was a huge fan of “I Dream of Jeannie,” a show from the 1960s about a female genie who lives with her male “master” in his suburban home in the United States. Setting aside the psychoanalysis of my choice of character, when Halloween rolled around that year, I was desperate to obtain an I Dream of Jeannie Halloween costume. I remember having to convince my parents to let me buy the costume and how, due to the midriff-baring top and translucent pink pant legs, I had to compromise by wearing a nude leotard and pink tights underneath the costume in order to go trick-or-treating.

Thinking back on this encounter, I am flummoxed. Why, at 13 years old, was I already so aware of the fact that showing my belly and legs, something done every summer at the beach without restrictions or shame, was somehow different when done on October 31^st?

Gendered Marketing of Halloween Costumes

The question of what is appropriate dress on Halloween is not a new one, especially for women and girls. The gendered marketing of costumes increasingly makes the news as consumers become more aware of the choices, or lack thereof, presented in stores. Research has shown that, out of eight archetypal categories available for costume choices, women are typically presented with only two: overtly feminine heroes and overtly infantilized, non-human characters such as animals (Sullivan, Hipple, and Hyers, 2017). [fat_widget_right]

This matters in ways that go far beyond a seemingly innocuous holiday. When we sexualize a female warrior or infantilize a lion we are removing agency and power from what that character initially represents. A female warrior doesn’t exist to do battle so much as to showcase her legs; a lion isn’t here to terrorize the Serengeti but rather to passively twirl its beribboned tail at others. A modern woman who wants to dress up as Batman will, in all probability, be unable to find a simple Batman costume. Instead, options will be cute, sexy, and/or unrealistic (i.e. wearing high heels to fight crime). In other words, the original intention of Halloween—disguising oneself in ways outside the “norm”—now includes an unspoken demand for women: above all else, we must still be able to be recognized and seen as female.

Why is this? Some research has gone so far as to wonder if infantilized and/or sexualized costumes for young women are as prevalent as they are in order to reinforce underlying gender roles and myths about the lack of female competence and ability, especially considering that the uptick in availability of these types of costumes starts at an age when young women are beginning to learn about their own agency and sexuality (Sullivan, Hipple, and Hyers, 2017).

Another point to consider as we get closer to Halloween is the idea of sexual expression as a form of independence or freedom. Third-wave feminism has presented self-sexualization, even with intentions to attract the sexual gaze, as proof of female liberation and agency (Erchull & Liss, 2013). Reclaiming the female body, including how it’s dressed and for what purpose, makes the idea of dressing up as a cutesy lion or sexy warrior seem like more of an inside joke and expression of power. In other words, it can become a sort of “wink-wink” among women who know the marketers’ game and have decided to play along—but only because we feel like it.

Reclaiming the female body, including how it’s dressed and for what purpose, makes the idea of dressing up as a cutesy lion or sexy warrior seem like more of an inside joke and expression of power. In other words, it can become a sort of “wink-wink” among women who know the marketers’ game and have decided to play along—but only because we feel like it.

Celebrating our sexuality through overt dress can absolutely be a part of empowerment. However, with this empowerment comes the double-edged sword women carry of being responsible for our own safety. Research abounds regarding so-called violence prevention that rests solely on the shoulders of women, putting heightened scrutiny on our abilities to reign in our bodies and the choices we make regarding how we showcase them (Crooks, Goodall, Hughes, Jaffe, and Baker 2007). Dressing scantily on Halloween, viewed through this lens, becomes not only a rebellious act but also one that carries an undertone of risk, however unwarranted. (Unwarranted, because of course, sexual harassment, assault, or other violence is never the fault of any victim for any reason.

Awareness and Safety: Make Halloween Fun Again

Can Halloween just be fun again? With a few considerations, I think so. The main takeaways here, I believe, are the importance of (1) awareness and (2) fostering a community of safety.

First, let’s separate the costume from the person. After all, the original intent of Halloween was to disguise oneself from evil spirits (Sullivan, Hipple, and Hayes, 2017). By reminding ourselves of this fact, we can allow a sexy cat costume to simply be a costume, not necessarily a reflection of, or invitation to, the person underneath. Next, it’s important for everyone to remember that no costume is ever an indication of or substitute for consent. Finally, let’s all work to continue the push for greater choice when it comes to female costumes, across all age ranges. This will allow Halloween to be a part of healthy experimentation for young folks, and perhaps more inclusive of people of all genders, rather than a siphoning point for “boys vs. girls.”

It’s also helpful to encourage ourselves and others to increase our media literacy. Our ability to decode the underlying messages presented via commercials, magazines, and yes, even Halloween costume packaging allows us to become more aware of what we are consuming and better able to make choices reflective of our actual desires.

I’ll leave you with another costume story. When I was 10, I had a burning desire to be Elvis Presley for Halloween. There were no Elvis Presley costumes to be found in the stores, so my mom set out to make me one. She helped me pin up my hair in a faux duck-tail swoop, spray-painted it black, and helped me draw on cartoonishly large eyebrows so that my oft-practiced lip snarl would have corresponding eyebrow movements. My legs were so sore that night from pulling one too many hip-swivel and finger point moves. Looking back, I’m amazed my parents felt more confident in my dressing as a male who was an actual sex symbol than my showing off my female body in a Jeannie costume.

Perhaps with more awareness, choice, and body positivity, the next generation of Jeannies and Elvis Presleys can be free to dress up without toting along all the other baggage.

References:

1. Sullivan, J., Hipple, E., & Hyers, L. (2017). Female disempowerment disguised as a Halloween costume. The Open Family Studies Journal, 2017(9), 60-75.
2. Erchull, M. J., & Liss, M. (2013). Feminists who flaunt it: Exploring the enjoyment of sexualization among young feminist women. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 2013(43), 2341-2349.
3. Crooks, C. V., Goodall, G. R., Hughes, R., Jaffe, P. G., & Baker, L. L. (2007). Engaging men and boys in         preventing violence against women: Applying a cognitive behavioral approach. Violence against Women, 13(3), 217-239.

School shooters may feel unable to live up to their school’s masculine norms, according to a study published in the journal Gender Issues. All 29 of the shootings the study identified involved male shooters. Insecurity and family difficulties figured prominently in the shooters’ history.

Some analysts have argued that pressure to conform to a masculine ideal that involves dominance and control plays a role in mass shootings. Dubbed “toxic masculinity,” this phenomenon might explain why the overwhelming majority of spree killers are men. This study found boys who were labeled with feminine epithets and shunned by their peers were more likely to engage in shootings—perhaps in an attempt to regain control or feel more masculine.

The Link Between Gender Role Pressure and School Shootings

The study included data from all identifiable school shootings committed between 1995-2005 in the United States. The data included 29 shootings, and 31 shooters. The study, which highlighted previous research emphasizing the role of masculine norms of violence in school shootings, sought to identify characteristics that school shooters might share. [fat_widget_right]

According to the study, previous research has found that boys who engage in school shootings are more likely to experience emasculating bullying, such as being called gendered or homophobic epithets. They often explore violent themes in their writing and recreational activities, idealize violent figures, are excessively interested in guns, and come from families that own guns. Many told a classmate of a plan to engage in violence. In most cases, at least one adult said the shooter had engaged in aggressive misbehavior such as fighting or threatening another student.

All 31 of the shooters in the study had been the subject of emasculating bullying. They all showed some signs of rejection and marginalization, such as being rejected by a girlfriend or having few friends.

Ten of the shooters had previously been diagnosed with a mental health condition, and 10 others grew up in abusive homes. The other 11 boys had a history of reacting aggressively when they felt humiliated.

School Shootings: A Product of Toxic Masculinity?

In adolescence, conforming to male stereotypes—being tough, heterosexual, and “cool”–is often a major predictor of whether a boy will fit in with his peers. Boys who feel they cannot live up to this standard may react violently. They may also face rejection and seek revenge in a way that confirms their masculine identity.

Stopping School Shootings

Kathryn Farr, the author of the study, believes ongoing discussions about gender and gender role pressure could help prevent school shootings. She also urges schools to work to identify boys struggling with masculinity. Talking to students about school shootings may also be a helpful step, as shooters often tell others of their plans to engage in violence. If students know this, they may be more likely to tell an authority figure about threats of violence.

References:

Farr, K. (2017). Adolescent rampage school shootings: Responses to failing masculinity performances by already-troubled boys. Gender Issues. doi:10.1007/s12147-017-9203-z

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I need some friendly feedback with a problem I am stuck with. I am a 60-year-old male who was diagnosed 23 years ago with gender dysphoria. I have just “dealt” with it by staying in the closet, seeing a therapist as needed, and basically choosing not to entertain the idea of transition for family concerns. I am now single again, have met a nice cis woman, and would like to get serious—but I am unsure if I should be totally open about this part of me. I have always been a person of integrity, honest and truthful, which sometimes hurts others but it’s who I am.

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When I shared this with a woman once before, it ruined a chance for marriage. She was unable to even talk about it and chose to walk away. I never transitioned even partially or lived as the opposite gender. Is it important that I mention this now?

I realize society is more supportive than ever before, but there are still plenty of folks in the world who abhor anything that does not fit into the male-female binary. I have read numerous accounts where other men in a similar situation never said anything, got married, then out of the blue would share this part of them or would start cross-dressing again and naturally the wife was taken by surprise, shocked, and confused. Usually, the marriage ends and everyone is hurt.

I haven’t cross-dressed in 20 years and have no plans to start up again, but this doesn’t ease my fear at what might happen if I come clean with my new partner and prospective wife. What to do? —Questioning

Dear Questioning,

Thank you so much for writing in with this topic.

When I first sat down to reply, my inclination was to offer what I hope will be received as comfort: reassurance that you have multiple choices regarding your own communication. You are under no moral obligation to disclose any idea about gender (or anything else) to another person if you don’t want to. Your gender is your truth, and your gender does not make up the entirety of who you are.

But I imagine you are writing to a therapy website for a reason. If you were okay continuing to do what you’ve already done in relationships (after at least one very powerful, very negative experience disclosing in the past), I don’t think you would have taken the time to construct this letter.

I would like to gently challenge the narrative you have about your disclosure “ruining a chance for marriage,” shifting the blame away from you individually. Was it not your partner’s rigidity about sex and gender that pushed you away? Can we think about this as a paradigm incompatibility rather than a mistake you yourself made?

In general, if someone is looking for a “serious” relationship (as you say you are now), a critical part of the early stages is getting to know the other person and collecting evidence for whether you will be compatible long-term, is it not? It sounds like some of the anxiety you are experiencing is the normal anxiety of any person in a new relationship—“Will this person turn and run if I share what I really feel inside? Is it safe to trust this person?” Of course, in your case, some of the baggage also carries a gendered focus you have been painfully discouraged from sharing in the past. So far, though, you’ve only alluded to a sharing of ideas, which I hope any partner would remain available for.

I think deconstructing and delineating gender roles is helpful in any relationship, not just in a relationship where one partner is transgender or gender dysphoric. It sounds like you may not decide to “medically” transition in a surgical or hormonal sense, but wouldn’t it be nice to break out of the confines of masculinity as they may be prescribed upon you?

I imagine you have witnessed a great deal of social change regarding gender roles across your lifespan. From this, and from other life experiences, what have you come you expect from yourself, and what do you need in order to feel supported, affirmed, and loved in your relationships? If this includes permission to be fluid and expansive in your expressions of gender, then that is something you are entitled to pursue. If this includes simply the space to air what you’re thinking, free of judgment, that is also completely reasonable. If the relationship is healthy, your partner should not attempt to serve as some sort of mind police for which thoughts are and aren’t okay for you to have and for you to explore. In my experience, our identities, thoughts, and desires are not very good at obediently conforming to socially-sanctioned categories.

When I am working with someone who has come to therapy to explore their sense of gender identity, one of my subgoals is to help them seek out affirming community outside of the therapy room. Whether you decide to formally “transition” or not, having folks around who will appreciate your honesty and not force you to adapt to rigid and even false categories will help you feel more liberated in all of your relationships.

You don’t mention what region you live in, but I will acknowledge that certainly some places are friendlier than others toward those who don’t fit into a simple male-female binary where biological sex and expressed gender align. I also won’t pretend that my own age bracket (I’m 29) isn’t generally more accepting of gender expansion than your generation in many cases. But that doesn’t mean the resources for support and understanding aren’t out there. To find in-person support, PFLAG, a wide-ranging national organization, should be able to connect you to affirming transgender resources within an hour’s travel or so of where you are living if you are living in the States. I’ve also listed some other online communities in the Resources section at the end of this article.

It is nice to have the freedom to speak difficult and complicated truths within our partnerships. But it’s not just nice: this freedom also forms the foundation of safety and trust.

I have found that establishing a social support net that can “catch” you when the going gets tough—whether this support comes remotely or in-person—can, in a sense, lower the stakes of a relationship. You have reinforcement. But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a specially-reserved form of terror for our most intimate partnerships, particularly if we have experienced abandonment following the decision to open up in the past.

In 2007, I gave a report on what was then referred to as Gender Identity Disorder, which included a description of the legal entitlements of spouses to recipients of this diagnosis. If individuals were married, spouses used to be required to sign off on a medical decision if their partner was seeking sexual reassignment surgery. Remembering this report has me thinking now: what are the functions of disclosing gender dysphoria to one’s partner? Is it to clear the air, or is it maybe to help them plan for some sort of action? It summons the idea that our identities are most often formed in relation to others, and that to have a partner who challenges gender might mean we challenge our own identities, too. Marriage and intimate partnership can create a sort of collaborative identity formation, but this doesn’t mean you should sacrifice that which is precious to you.

Are you interested in wearing differently-gendered clothing in the presence of your partner or in trying out different kinds of sex other than p-i-v intercourse? These are behaviors of interest to a broad range of people, including those who do not identify as trans. I do not ask these things to suggest that gender dysphoria is the same as having a cross-dressing kink, or is a kink at all. I ask because my ideas about communication on the topic of gender dysphoria are informed by the same kind of openness and honesty I encourage when working with sexual minorities and kinksters.

My concern for you continuing to maintain the status quo of past relationships is that our unrealized desires so often have a way of breeding resentment if pushed away or neglected for too long, either by ourselves or by our partners. It seems you have more than two decades of experience with this.

It is nice to have the freedom to speak difficult and complicated truths within our partnerships. But it’s not just nice: this freedom also forms the foundation of safety and trust. I am admittedly biased; as a relational therapist, I have a strong leaning to encourage others to put all their cards on the table and to keep the lines of communication open. But I’m not alone. For example, in his “sexpert” blog, Reid Mihalko claims that it’s what we’re NOT saying that’s damaging our relationships. He makes the following case for transparency:

“If you share the things you think might end the relationship and the relationship doesn’t end, now you’re having a Relationship with a Capital R! Sure it’s scary to say the scary things, and it’s bound to kick up a lot of emotional flotsam at times, but what if you and your partners could work through it? What if letting the “cat out of the bag” built more trust and a deeper sense of security and intimacy than wondering if your partner is withholding important things from you?

When you say what is not being said, especially the big, bad, hairy, scary stuff, you model for your loved ones that they can share all the things they’re not saying, too. Over time, you get to know your partners more as they get to know you more, and you’ll realize that they’re choosing to be in a relationship with the real you, not some façade of who you think they need you to be.”

I will admit that we do not live in a universally gender-progressive utopia, and it is certainly not often safe—emotionally or physically—to disclose our grapplings with traditional gender roles. As an example of complex intersectional identities, Asiel Adan Sanchez shares a complex narrative about how their relationship to a Mexican cultural identity complicates their gender identity narrative and how the traditional notion of coming out can lead to cultural and ethnic erasure. I won’t pretend these categories are simple. I also don’t know your cultural context, your given family history, or how long your previous relationships lasted: certainly these factors can reasonably affect your choices about how you experience and express gender. Since you are the only one who has to live your life, only you can know what decisions are best for your specific context.

Your letter brings to the surface so many ethical quandaries we all wrestle with regarding intimate disclosure! To what extent are our partners entitled to the regulation of our minds and of our bodies? No matter how you answer these questions for yourself and your new relationship, I sincerely hope you find a safe, affirming, and healthy way to explore feelings, roles, and identities—not just in a confidential therapy room or anonymous online forum, but in the safety of romantic partnership as well. I wish you the best!

Warmly,

Sharon Glassburn, LMFT

References:

1. Adan Sanchez, A. (2017, July 7). The whiteness of ‘coming out’: culture and identity in the disclosure narrative. Archer Magazine. Retrieved from http://archermagazine.com.au/2017/07/culture-coming-out
2. Mihalko, R. (2012, March 20). Say what’s not being said: Reid’s formula for difficult conversations. Reid About Sex. Retrieved from http://reidaboutsex.com/difficult-conversation-formula

Resources:

• Center for Gender Sanity
• The Gender Book
• Gender Spectrum
• Trans Mentors International
• Transgender Support Live Chat:
• World Professional Association for Transgender Health

Sophia Dembling wrote, “One of the risks of being quiet is that the other people can fill your silence with their own interpretation: You’re bored. You’re depressed. You’re shy. You’re stuck up. You’re judgmental. When others can’t read us, they write their own story—not always one we choose or that’s true to who we are.”

But sometimes even when others could choose to “read” us—by being curious, asking questions, and collaborating with us and honoring what we value—they choose to write over us instead. This is particularly true when one person has more social power or when their values are already maintained by external forces. They have more permissions already; they have more of a voice. In these situations, we might not be quiet by nature so much as silenced.

Asserting Experience and Identity

Some aspects of our lives come more pre-packaged and scripted than others—namely, our stories about gender. And we haven’t got a fighting chance to tell our own gender story if it’s been decided for us before we are even able to speak or choose our own adornments—for most of us, this takes place before we are even born. Ideally, babies would come into a home where love can be flexibly provided for many variations of expression—but many of us will be subconsciously “shaped” into something “More Appropriate” if we deviate from culturally-sanctioned ideals. [fat_widget_right]

If you are cisgender, this may not feel oppressive. If your community affords men and women (and your gender is one or the other) a great deal of fluidity, flexibility, and freedoms, this may not feel so bad.

But even if this is your experience, it is not everyone’s—or even most people’s—experience. Keeping this in mind, listen for stories that differ from your own.

Transgender and gender non-conforming folks claim the permission of asserting (not choosing) their gender identity and sense of self rather than accepting what has been assigned to them. This becomes increasingly necessary if what has been given to them (“prescribed” gender, typically based on the sex category assigned to a person at or before birth) never fit that person, no longer fits that person, or sometimes doesn’t fit that person. Transgender and gender non-conforming people are claiming their own power over their bodies and voice.

It is here I want to assert my position: unless a person is directly harming another person, how they want to speak or adorn themselves is not for us to decide—unless we are that person’s parent. When we take on a parental role with a person we are not parenting, we are indicating we have decided we are not equals with the person, that we cling to a sense of power over them. (For instance, when we become the “gender police.”)

Narrative Therapy: Co-Creating Meaning

The following description of narrative therapy comes from the Dulwich Centre in Adelaide, Australia: “Narrative therapy seeks to be a respectful, non-blaming approach to counselling and community work, which centres people as the experts in their own lives.” I distinguish here between therapy styles that give people expertise over their own lives vs. the power our mental health system has traditionally exerted over those who come for help. Narrative therapists co-create meaning with the people they are treating; traditional therapy prescribes meaning onto the experiences of the person in therapy.

Narrative therapy acknowledges the power discrepancies between therapist and person in therapy but seeks to minimize them as much as possible. This modality is a collaborative, democratic style of therapy where what something means to the person in treatment is equally or more valuable than what something means to the therapist.

(I don’t want to pretend a truly democratic relationship can exist between therapist and person in therapy. Not only is there a transaction of money, but—in the case of individuals advocating for their own gender transition and especially in the case of those desiring hormone therapy—therapists are also in a position to determine whether or not the individuals they are treating are “of sound mind.” Thus they are the gatekeepers of access to desired medical treatments.)

Narrative therapy acknowledges the power discrepancies between therapist and person in therapy but seeks to minimize them as much as possible. This modality is a collaborative, democratic style of therapy where what something means to the person in treatment is equally or more valuable than what something means to the therapist. It involves listening to the words of the person receiving therapy, tracking the themes relevant to their life, and determining which stories were authored authentically by the individual and what stories were told to them and enforced by the Powers That Be.

Tactics Used in Narrative Therapy

In an attempt to subvert some of the gatekeeping power that has existed within my profession since its origin, I wanted to write about some narrative therapy tactics that can be self-taught and used by the chosen family and communities of transgender and gender non-conforming individuals in order to support and enrich their loved ones’ sense of self! Chances are, you are already using some of them.

• The “Constitutionalist Self.” This term refers to a view of the self as malleable and continuously de-constructed and re-constructed through interactions. Who we are is largely determined through relationships and dialogue. Before engaging in the process of “deconstruction,” explained below, this sense of self is often derived from experiences fitting into the dominant narrative. Others—parents, teachers, etc.— often inadvertently “guide” this sense of self without even realizing it.
• The Dominant Story. This is a name for the story with the most influence and power, often uncritically accepted as “true.” It tends to reflect societal values and might feel oppressive in nature, telling us what “should” be true but often isn’t. For example, girls should be quiet and submissive; boys should be aggressive and assertive.
• Subjugated story/stories. This term refers to stories obscured by The Dominant Story, such as when someone cannot see the ways in which they are hard-working and supportive because they are bombarded with messages that they have failed in some other way (by being handicapped, by being unemployed). Another example might be someone who wants to view and present themselves as feminine, maternal, and nurturing but keeps focusing on (and being reminded of) their “mannish hands” and “broad shoulders.” These traits, often associated with manhood and masculine posturing, serve as distraction from the stereotypically “feminine” traits they are attempting to story. Somehow, certain stories are allowed and valued while others are not. Exceptions to normative stories are discouraged, often in subtle ways.
• Deconstruction. This term refers to the postmodern process of constructing new meanings by examining hidden (often cultural/political) agendas and assumptions. Deconstruction begins when someone is able to tell their story in a context where the dominant cultural story can be viewed as a highly influential text the person did not totally author.)
• Building Leagues. Narrative therapists assist the people they work with in the linking of resources and community—groups of people facing similar problems, sometimes called “Leagues” or “Communities of Concern”—to develop a sense of solidarity and power in numbers. League members learn from one another as peers rather than experts. For many, joining a gender support group or having other friends who are trans or gender non-conforming eliminates some pressures to educate and sometimes allows people to let down their guard in different ways than they might with a cisgender peer.
• Identifying “Outsider Witnesses.” Narrative therapists assist people in identifying those who will affirm and support their new story. Which people in a person’s life are interested in learning their correct pronouns, their own unique style, the origin of their chosen name? Who values them for their chosen values and the ways in which they express them? It is a beautiful moment when our loved ones can see us in the ways we want to be seen.
• Re-authoring. When we re-author our lives, we are choosing which elements are important and which are not. When we practice this narrative, we live our preferred story “as if” it were true. Over time, with enough traction and support, it becomes true. (This is different from being disconnected or living in delusion; we don’t fail to account for others’ experiences of reality. Rather, we seek out ways of living that are conscientious, critical, and authentic to what we value.)

In Practice

How can we do this? One of my favorite exercises to facilitate with multiple people in therapy is to ask them to think of a time they felt confident and tease this out. I have them name what they valued about that version of themselves and what made it possible. The other person (or people) is/are assigned to “track” instances of when they caught that person exhibiting those traits in their present life, in their present interactions. This can be effective for people battling depression, when they feel the “old” them is lost, as this can serve to remind them their “true” self still exists—but this exercise can also be of great benefit in affirming the gender expressions of those we love!

If your friend or loved one is transitioning, find out the values of the gender identity they are looking to embody and affirm them! If your friend’s experience of self exists outside of the language surrounding gender, don’t praise them for being “rational and fair” or for being “so pretty and thin.” Instead, figure out what matters to them and make an effort to witness them living these values authentically in the world. See them in the ways they need to be witnessed and affirmed.

References:

1. Blakeslee Salkil, S. E., & Goff, J. D. (2014). LMFT Exam Preparation Workshop [Powerpoint]. Self-Published: Family Education Resources, LLC.
2. Dembling, S. (2012). The introvert’s way: Living a quiet life in a noisy world. New York, New York: Perigee Books.
3. Dulwich Centre. (n.d.). What is narrative therapy? Retrieved from: http://dulwichcentre.com.au/what-is-narrative-therapy
4. Family Solutions Institute. (2011). Marriage and family therapy national licensing examination preparation: MFT glossary. Jamaica Plain, MA: Self-published.