It is that time of year when almost everyone is thinking about their goals for the new year. If you are not one of those people, you may be one who scoffs at those who do… You might assume that those who create goals are setting themselves up for failure. It is true that if goals are not formulated correctly, they can do more harm than good. 

 If you set goals that are unrealistic or overwhelming, goal setting can actually have a negative effect on your mental health. Unmet goals can cause depression because they leave you feeling incompetent, disappointed, and frustrated.  

 However, if you know how to set effective goals, you can greatly improve your overall mental health. Here are a few reasons, as well as some tips for developing goals that help you succeed: 

1) Gives you a dopamine boost 

 When you desire something and get it, your brain releases the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is often called the “feel good” chemical. So each time you accomplish something on a to-do list you chemically boost your mood.  

 You can increase the release of dopamine if you cross out what you have accomplished instead of erasing or deleting it. That way, each time you look at your list your brain is reminded that you set out to do something and did it, which releases more dopamine.  

 So, if you want this chemical to steadily be released to your brain, set small manageable steps to accomplish your goals, and then acknowledge and celebrate accomplishing each step. This will give you the motivation to keep completing each task item.  

 Reminding yourself of what you have accomplished in the past can give you confidence that you are also capable of achieving future goals. So as you set your goals for the new year, take some time to reflect on and celebrate what you accomplished in 2024.  

 * Pro tip: instead of keeping only to-do lists, keep lists of things that you’ve already accomplished, to remind yourself of how capable you are. 

 2) Gives you a greater sense of purpose and joy 

 Having goals can also give you a greater sense of purpose in your daily life, and your life overall, which also helps you enjoy life more. One of the main reasons people become depressed is because they are not clear on their purpose in life or even in the next month or year. One of the trademark traits of a depressed individual is feeling that life is meaningless or that they are unproductive. 

If you have a clear sense of the direction you want to go in the next week, month, or years, you will also feel a greater sense of peace, confidence, motivation, and joy in your everyday life. That way, even when you have a hard day you know that it is still worth it because it is part of your journey to getting where you want to be.  

First, you need to understand your “why”, or your overall purpose in life. Once you understand this, you can work backward to figure out yearly, monthly, and daily goals. Otherwise, you may end up working towards goals you later realize were not actually things that you greatly value.  

That is why even outwardly very “successful” people can become just as depressed as someone who has experienced a lot of failure in their life if they end up achieving something that was not actually very valuable or fulfilling for them. The important thing is not just to work hard, but to work hard for things that really matter to you. That is when effort becomes joyful and fulfilling.  

3) Helps you accomplish more 

You have likely heard Yogi Berra’s quote “If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else”. This principle applies to more than just baseball. If you are not clear on what is important to you and where you are headed in life, you will probably be very unpleasantly surprised with where you end up.  

You have probably also heard the acronym SMART applied to goal setting. Effective goals will be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. It is not enough to just set goals. The more clear, specific, and realistic goals you have, the more likely you are to achieve them.  

So try setting some goals this New Year’s and notice how it makes you feel. If you end up overwhelmed, frustrated, or disappointed, you may need to re-work your goals to be more achievable. But if they are SMART goals you will most likely feel inspired, purposeful, and joyful as you head into 2025.  

by Dr. Jocelyn Markowicz, Psychologist

Tyler Perry Talks Psychology: Teaching Resiliency with the Message to Climb and Maintain

Tyler Perry, the infamous producer and actor, within the full breadth of his creative fortitude, delivered the best simplification of the concept of resilience. In his guest talk at a church in Texas, he provided a powerfully simple way to inspire resilience. In his speech, he told the audience to “Climb and Maintain.” His message aimed to inspire people not to give up on their dreams even in the face of problems and hardship. In short, Perry spoke about resilience.

Resilience

Resilience is a concept developed in the field of psychology. Resilience focuses on climbing and maintaining in pursuit of your goal. The climb is the action(s) you take toward your goal, while the maintenance is your ability to resist the risks in the physical and social environment, overcoming stress and adversity to maintain relatively good psychological and physical health (Garmezy, 1983; Werner & Smith, 1982) and achieve your dreams.

Are we all innately resilient? Can we develop resiliency if we do not possess it? If we “climb and maintain” as Tyler Perry inspires us to do, will it lead to success? Psychological research has provided the answers regarding who can climb and maintain and what outcomes may arise from persisting through life stressors. Let’s take a look.

Is Resiliency an Innate Trait? No.

When children are born, their parents often hope that they will be able to teach them everything they need to overcome obstacles, persist despite challenges, and achieve their dreams. However, despite this hope, parents may discover that their children give up easily, do not believe in themselves, and fall short of fighting through adversity. Are some children naturally more able to cope with stress and persist through adversity toward achieving their dreams? Are some children ill-equipped by nature to handle life’s challenges? Psychologists determined that resilience is less of an innate trait than it is a trait that is developed over time (Trivedi et al., 2011). Essentially, resilience can be learned. This means that parents can help their easily conquered or sluggishly motivated child persist through the stress toward achieving their dreams. 

If resilience is learned, how do we help someone develop resiliency?

How Can We Develop Resiliency?

Resiliency involves coping mechanisms and support systems necessary to promote well-being (Luthar & Brown, 2007). Therapy is an excellent resource for resiliency development. In therapy, individuals, couples, and families learn about effective coping mechanisms. They are encouraged to utilize them to progress through stressful life situations. Therapy also becomes part of a support system that strengthens the development of resiliency muscles to motivate you to persist. We are biologically designed to connect with others. Healthy family, peer, and career support systems also enable us to strengthen our internal systems so that we can effectively cope and persist toward our goals. Starting therapy is part of the climb, and continuing treatment is part of the maintenance toward your life goals. 

How Do We Climb and Maintain?

Increasing an individual’s resilience can help improve mental health (Koelmel, Hughes, Alschuler, & Ehde, 2017). The American Psychological Association (APA, 2020) offered greater detail regarding how to “climb and maintain” towards your life goals. They suggested several ways that describe the climbing process that Tyler Perry illuminated. 

Climb

In order to act towards your goals, according to APA, you have to 

1. Be proactive.
2. Take steps to move toward your goals.
3. Look for opportunities of self-discovery to inform the next steps you take.

Maintain

APA offered ways to maintain your climb as well: 

1. Embracing healthy thoughts
2. Accepting change

In essence, in order to maintain your climb, you have to accept the inevitability of change that will require you to revise your perspective and elevate your thinking. 

Overcoming Stress

Optimal mental health is important to successfully overcome life stressors. The higher you climb towards your dreams, the larger those stressors can become. To maintain your climb towards your dreams, you must take care of your mental health. Therapy can help you cope with stressors and offer needed support in the face of adversity. 

How Can Therapy Motivate People to Want to Develop Resiliency?

Often, the most challenging part of motivating someone is determining how. What is the best way to challenge and encourage this specific person? 

The act of climbing sounds simple enough. You move one foot out in front of you. You then take the other foot and move it up to join or pass its partner. Wait, that described walking. How is climbing different from walking? Climbing adds pressure on the joints due to elevation. To climb, you must indeed start with one foot, not just placed in front, but higher than your walking step. Then you must take the other foot and also put it higher than your walking step. A movement toward your goals requires moving with added weight and strain. 

We sometimes need motivation to move through pressure. Therapists use a technique called Motivational Interviewing (MI) to help individuals take the steps toward resiliency development. Motivational Interviewing is a method of eliciting an individual’s motivation for change, then guiding them to act on that motivation. Motivational Interviewing is perfect for individuals needing help to get motivated enough to start their climb as well as for those who need support and encouragement to maintain. Motivational Interviewing has been wonderfully successful at improving motivation and action at a rate of 80-95% (Rubak, Sandaek, Lauritzen, & Christensen, 2005). Thank you, Tyler Perry, for talking psychology so that others can seek help on the journey toward their dreams!

To find a therapist who can help you grow in resiliency, start your search today!

References

American Psychological Association. (2020, February 1). Building your resilience. http://www.apa.org/topics/resilience

Garmezy,  N.  (1983).  Stressors of childhood.  In  N. Garmezy & M. Rutter (Eds.),Stress, coping, and development in children(pp. 43– 84). New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

Koelmel, E., Hughes, A. J., Alschuler, K. N., & Ehde, D. M. (2017). Resilience mediates the longitudinal relationships between social support and mental health outcomes in multiple sclerosis. Archives of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation, 98, 1139 –1148.

Luthar, S. S., & Brown, P. J. (2007). Maximizing resilience through diverse levels of inquiry: Prevailing paradigms, possibilities, and priorities for the future. Development and Psychopathology, 19, 931-955.

Rutter,  M.  (1987).  Psychosocial resilience and protective mechanisms. American Journal of Ortho-psychiatry, 57, 316 –331.

Trivedi, R. B., Bosworth, H., Resnicow, K. & McMaster, F. ( 2012). Motivational Interviewing: moving from why to how with autonomy support. International Journal of Physical Activity, 9-19.

Rubak, S., Sandaek, A., Lauritzen, T., & Christensen, B. (2005). Motivational interviewing: a systematic review and meta-analysis. British Journal of General Practice, 55(513): 305–312.

Trivedi, Ranak & Bosworth, Hayden & Jackson, George. (2011). Resilience in Aging. 10.1007/978-1-4419-0232-0_12.

Werner, E. E., & Smith, R. S. (1982).Vulnerable but invincible: A longitudinal study of resilient children and youth. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

by Nancy Bortz, Psychotherapist

Self-Development and Self-Centeredness

Is self-development self-centered? Frankly, yes and no. The answer is “yes” when we’re merely analyzing the short-term and “no” when we’re taking a long-term perspective. While prioritizing your own personal growth may look a little like selfishness at first blush, the ultimate aim of self-development is you being your best self, which is better for everyone around you, not just you. 

Keeping the Goal in Mind

When you focus on yourself for the purpose of self-development, you may need to be rather isolated at times. Nonetheless, this isolation should be viewed as temporary, with the ultimate goal of having a meaning that extends beyond the self.

Thinking Like a Champion

For instance, we often hear how Olympic athletes lose contact with friends and family when their training ramps up in the pursuit of a podium spot. This strain on their relationships is caused by the “self-centeredness” of the Olympian. It may be hard for the athlete’s friends outside their athletic circle to understand the absolute focus required for success at the highest level. The athlete, however, knows what is required and is encouraged by their coaches to pursue excellence above all else. In this example, the athlete may even be shunned by the people closest to them due to a lack of understanding. However, the athlete must do what is required to achieve their dreams; they cannot afford to get wrapped up in the misguided expectations of others.

Self-development requires a degree of self-centeredness, at least in the short-term. Nonetheless, the long-term benefits are hopefully much more altruistic. Using our prior example, if the athlete were to win a gold medal, a generation of athletes and civilians alike may be inspired to achieve their dreams. Furthermore, the “hero’s journey” is complete at this point, and the hero can reunite with the friends and family that were temporarily neglected, assuming no bridges were burned too severely.

Don’t Be Derailed by Naysayers

It is important to remind ourselves that being labeled “selfish” is not the end of the world. You must remind yourself of your motives for pursuing personal development, even when it’s time-consuming or isolating. As long as seeking the approval of others is not your underlying internal drive, keeping your meaning and intention in mind will prove beneficial. Self-development is incredibly rewarding for not only the person on such a pursuit but also for society! A person who has overcome the obstacles to become a greater version of themselves can be an inspirational force for others. 

Digging even deeper, a person who has emphasized personal development becomes stronger and is thus more able to resist the forces that bring down society. It is ultimately the weak-minded individual who will fall prey to peer pressure or the mob. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, and it is up to each individual to ensure the weakest link is not who they see when they look in the mirror.

Applying This in Your Own Self-Development Work

If you are still wondering how to apply self-development principles in your life (assuming that you are not training for a spot in the future Olympic Games), you may simply want to practice incremental changes. If, for example, you are aspiring towards a promotion at work, instead of going out drinking with friends on the weekend, consider devoting more time to your professional development. This can take the form of taking continuing education courses, reading business books, joining a professional coaching group, reaching out to a leader you admire in your professional circle for mentorship—anything that would directly contribute to on-the-job success.

Your friends may not be thrilled with your decision initially. Still, hopefully, they will come around when you get that much sought-after promotion. Securing this promotion may allow you to lead others on a broader scale and have your positive vision enacted. This can benefit your company and your company’s contribution to society. You are also setting a higher standard for your friends. You are gaining commendable strength in the process, which will pay dividends in many ways.

How a Good Therapist Can Help

Finding a good therapist can be a brilliant first step in making these tough decisions. A good therapist can help you gain self-confidence and the skills that will be necessary for your journey of self-development. Many different techniques can be utilized in therapy. I encourage you to find a therapist who implements the modalities you desire.

About Nancy: I am a psychotherapist in Denver, CO. I have been in the field for twenty years and have extensive experience helping individuals and couples realize their goals and become who they really are and all they can be. I hope you enjoyed this short article of my thoughts as a professional who knows that living true to oneself is the answer many are searching for.

Click through to search for a therapist in your area to support your personal growth and self-development.

What to Do When the Person You’re Disappointed in Is You

We’re almost two months into the new year, yet many of us have already disappointed ourselves. Maybe we’ve dropped the ball on the New Year’s resolutions we set just eight short weeks ago. We all hoped that 2021 would be better, a fresh start after a rough 2020, but so far, this year has given us plenty of new hard things to deal with. Perhaps we’re frustrated with how we haven’t changed much either in the last couple of months. So what do you do when the person that you’re disappointed in is you? 

3 Unhealthy Responses to Feeling Like You’re Disappointed in Yourself

#1 Punishing Yourself

When you are experiencing frustration with your choices or decisions, you may punish yourself. Self-punishment comes in many forms, like restricting yourself from enjoying good things, rejecting others’ praise, or engaging in negative self-talk. Sometimes people even perform self-harming acts in order to punish themselves. This type of response to coming up short often occurs when you are overwhelmed with guilt or even self-hatred. This is not a helpful or constructive coping mechanism, but it is not uncommon. 

If you’re stuck in a cycle of self-punishment, there’s no shame in reaching out for help. To search for a therapist in your area, click here.

#2 Denial

Sometimes when you’re disappointed in yourself, you choose denial as a response. This is essentially the decision to not talk about your failure, to pretend that it never happened. Denying either that you ever set the goal in the first place or that you strayed from it will not help you improve or achieve. You must be honest with yourself (and others, where appropriate) if you want to grow. 

#3 Giving Up

Giving up is a very common response to being disappointed in yourself. When you set goals for yourself, you expect to complete them; when faced with your own failures, it may seem logical to give up. We are often harsh and judgmental with ourselves. It’s as if we have decided that only complete perfection is worth striving for. One mistake or failure is enough to disqualify the value of all our efforts. And that’s simply untrue. We don’t always meet our own standards, even when we’ve set realistic goals, but an “all or nothing” approach to our goals is not conducive to progress. 

5 Healthy Alternatives

#1 Pause

If you feel yourself slipping into a disappointed mindset, you should pause. Often, our own failures trigger our fight, flight, or freeze response. Take some deep breaths, give yourself space to think, and calm down. Think about the situation in front of you rationally and thoughtfully so you can remain objective.

#2 Use It

If you are disappointed in your actions, use that disappointment as an impetus to find a solution or try again. This is an opportunity for you to shift toward self-compassion and self-love. You are a human who makes mistakes, just like we all are. What matters in this moment is how you choose to move forward. Use your disappointment as a catalyst to make good choices.

   2.A Explore

To make positive changes, you may need to spend some time in introspection. Ask yourself questions about why and how you disappointed yourself. How did the circumstances affect your choices? Do your goals or their implementation need to be reexamined? Take this opportunity to learn more about yourself, your tendencies, and who you want to be.

   2.B Plan

Once you understand how you ended up in this situation, you can make a plan to get back on track and avoid disappointment in the future. Your plan should be realistic to the demands of your life and involve small, attainable steps for you to get there. Think ahead of potential challenges that could derail your goals and how you will tackle them. Set yourself up for future success. 

#3 Name Your Feelings

Your feelings matter and are valid. Being disappointed in yourself when things do not go well is normal. Name your feelings, accept them, and then make positive decisions about how to move forward. As we noted before, denial is unhelpful. By identifying and feeling your emotions associated with failure and disappointment, you are equipping yourself to move forward with those feelings resolved, rather than just shoved into a corner of your heart and ignored as long as possible. 

#4 Practice Self-Compassion

Chances are, you will make more mistakes, you will fail again, you will disappoint yourself because you are human. The best thing you can offer yourself in those moments is self-compassion. Self-compassion helps us accept our mistakes as learning and growth opportunities that help us in the future. Start growing the habit of self-compassion now. 

#5 Get Help

If you are struggling to move past being disappointed in yourself or engaging in self-destructive behaviors, a therapist can be an excellent resource and support. Together, you can work on dismantling unhelpful thoughts and habits and embracing new, positive replacements. 

A therapist can help you develop healthy coping mechanisms as you deal with self-disappointment. To find a therapist in your area, click here.

Neurotransmitters are chemical messengers that carry electrical signals between neurons in the brain. Dopamine and serotonin are two important neurotransmitters for mental health. They affect your mood, memory, sleep, libido, appetite, and more. Imbalances can contribute to addictions, mood conditions, memory issues, and attention difficulties.

Over the past several decades, the world has seen an increase in medications for serotonin and dopamine imbalances. These prescriptions can treat symptoms of many mental health conditions. Yet they have a long list of potential side effects, from dizziness to insomnia. Also, their effectiveness varies from person to person.

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Some people want to try some non-drug treatments before committing to medication. Others take medication but want to supplement it with other strategies. Below are 10 ways to increase dopamine and serotonin that don’t require a pill:

1. Exercise

Regular exercise for at least 30 minutes each day improves one’s overall mood. Research has revealed that long-term cardiovascular exercise boosts serotonin levels in the brain. Serotonin can lower hostility and symptoms of depression. It also encourages agreeableness.

(More: Move for Your Mood: The Power of Exercise to Help Lift Depression)

2. Spend Time in Nature

In previous generations, humans spent most of their time outdoors. These days, many people work indoors, sitting at a desk under artificial lighting. Researchers have found as little as five minutes outdoors in a natural setting can improve mood, increase motivation, and boost self-esteem. The amount of time spent in sunlight correlates with serotonin and dopamine synthesis. Even a brief walk in the park can improve your well-being.

(More: 5 Ways Nature Can Help You Feel Better)

3. Nutrition

Diet can also influence one’s mental health. Coffee increases your serotonin and dopamine levels … for as long as you take it. Once you stop drinking coffee, you will go into withdrawal. Your brain, used to the high levels of neurotransmitters, will act as if there is a deficiency. It can take up to 12 days of caffeine-free diet for the brain to return to its normal state.

Omega-3 fatty acids boost serotonin levels without the withdrawal. They help serotonin trigger nerve cell receptors, making transport easier. Many studies have shown that omega-3s help reduce depressive symptoms. You can find omega-3s in cold-water fish like salmon.

Contrary to internet rumors, eating turkey does not raise your brain’s serotonin levels. Many people think foods rich in tryptophan can boost mood, since the brain uses tryptophan to produce serotonin. However, tryptophan competes with several other amino acids for transportation to the brain. Since it is low on the body’s priority list, it usually loses.

That said, having some tryptophan in your diet is important. If you don’t have enough, your serotonin levels will drop. If you need more tryptophan, you can get it by eating starchy foods like whole wheat bread, potatoes, and corn.

(More: Good Mood Foods to Help Fight Depression, Stress, and More)

4. Meditation

Meditation is the practice of relaxed and focused contemplation. It is often accompanied by breathing exercises. Evidence has shown that meditation increases the release of dopamine. It can relieve stress and create feelings of inner peace.

(More: Stress Reduction: Mindfulness Meditation for Beginners)

5. Gratitude

Scientific research has shown gratitude affects the brain’s reward system. It correlates with the release of dopamine and serotonin. Gratitude has been directly linked to increased happiness.

There have been many studies on a practice called the “three blessings exercise.” Every night for a week, you write down three things you are thankful for. People who complete this exercise tend to report more happiness and less depressive symptoms. Their improved mood can last up to six months.

(More: How a Simple Mason Jar Can Bring More Gratitude to Your Life)

6. Essential Oils

All essential oils come from plants. These oils often have medicinal properties. One study found that bergamot, lavender, and lemon essential oils are particularly therapeutic. Using your sense of smell, they prompt your brain to release serotonin and dopamine.

Note: Always follow the instructions on the bottle’s label. Although essential oils are “natural,” some can be dangerous when misused. Do not let young children play with essential oils.

(More: How Aromatherapy Can Boost Psychological and Physical Health)

7. Goal Achievement

When we achieve one of our goals, our brain releases dopamine. The brain finds this dopamine rush very rewarding. It seeks out more dopamine by working toward another goal.

Larger goals typically come with increased dopamine. However, it’s best to start with small goals to improve your chances of success. Short-term goals can add up to achieve a long-term goal (and a bigger reward). This pattern keeps a steady release of dopamine in your brain.

(More: How Positive Affirmations Can Help You Achieve Your Goals)

8. Happy Memories

Researchers have examined the interaction between mood and memory. They focused on the anterior cingulate cortex, the region of the brain associated with attention. People reliving sad memories produced less serotonin in that region. People dwelling on happy memories produced more serotonin.

(More: Can We Purposefully Make Memories Last Forever?)

9. Novelty

The brain reacts to novel experiences by releasing dopamine. You can naturally increase your dopamine by seeking out new experiences. Any kind of experience will work. You can do something simple like a new hobby or recipe. Or you can try something grand like skydiving. The less familiar you are with the activity, the more likely your brain will reward you with dopamine.

(More: 5 Things on My New Year’s Bucket List for My Kids)

10. Therapy

Research indicates if you change your mood, you can affect serotonin synthesis in your brain. This implies mood and serotonin synthesis have a mutual influence on each other. Psychotherapy often helps people improve their mood. It is possible therapy can help raise one’s serotonin levels as well.

(More: Benefits of Therapy)

While these 10 methods can boost your neurotransmitters, they are not a substitute for medical care. If you have mental health concerns, you should always seek a doctor’s or therapist’s advice. A mental health professional can tell you which approaches are best for your unique situation. There is no shame in taking medication or attending counseling. They are common treatment options among many.

References:

1. Coffee and hormones: Here’s how coffee really affects your health. (n.d.) Precision Nutrition. Retrieved from https://www.precisionnutrition.com/coffee-and-hormones
2. Do you need a nature prescription? (2013, June 19). Retrieved from http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/nature-therapy-ecotherapy
3. Essential oils: Poisonous when misused. (2014). National Capital Poison Center. Retrieved from https://www.poison.org/articles/2014-jun/essential-oils
4. How Do I Increase Serotonin and Dopamine Levels? (2017, August 14). LIVESTRONG Foundation. Retrieved from http://www.livestrong.com/article/301434-how-do-i-increase-serotonin-dopamine-levels/
5. Jenkins, T.A., Nguyen, J.C.D., Polglaze, K.E., & Bertrand, P.P. (2016, January 20). Nutrients, 8(1), 56. Retrieved from http://www.mdpi.com/2072-6643/8/1/56/htm
6. Lv, X.N., Liu, Z.J., Zhang H.J., & Tzeng C.M. (2014). Aromatherapy and the central nerve system (CNS): Therapeutic mechanism and its associated genes. Current Drug Targets, 8(14), 872-879. Retrieved from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23531112#
7. Novelty and the brain: Why new things make us feel so good. (2013, May 21). Retrieved from https://lifehacker.com/novelty-and-the-brain-why-new-things-make-us-feel-so-g-508983802
8. Omega-3 Fatty Acids and Mood Disorders. (2012). Today’s Dietitian, 14(1), 22. Retrieved from http://www.todaysdietitian.com/newarchives/011012p22.shtml
9. Thankfulness linked to positive changes in brain and body. (2011, November 23). ABC News. Retrieved from http://abcnews.go.com/Health/science-thankfulness/story?id=15008148
10. This is how your brain becomes addicted to caffeine. (2013, August 9). Retrieved from https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/this-is-how-your-brain-becomes-addicted-to-caffeine-26861037/
11. Why our brains like short-term goals. (2013, January 3). Retrieved from https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/225356
12. Young, S.N. (2007). How to increase serotonin in the human brain without drugs. Journal of Psychiatry and Neuroscience, 32(6), 394-399. Retrieved from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2077351/

During a recent ski vacation, a fall on the slopes quickly changed the agenda from enjoying the great outdoors and thrill seeking to managing a knee brace and physical therapy. It’s certainly not how anyone wants to spend their vacation, yet there was a small silver lining. During discussions regarding how to care for and heal a damaged knee, I was introduced to a helpful little mantra from the world of physiotherapy: “Motion is lotion.”

What does this mean? In a nutshell, MOVE! When we walk, for example, the space between the joints of the knee compresses and expands. This movement causes fluid to flow in and out of the cartilage, providing nutrients it needs to be healthy. Hence, motion gives vitality and healing properties to what is unhealthy, like lotion to cracked and dry hands.

“Motion is lotion.” This catchy little saying seemed to stick in my brain as soon as I heard it. I found myself repeating it throughout the remainder of the trip. The more I said it, the more I thought about how this message could be applied to the psychology world.[fat_widget_right]

How Low Self-Esteem Can Paralyze Us

Upon returning to my practice at the start of a new year, some of my conversations with people focused on goals or actions they believed would positively affect their lives. Thinking through the steps to achieve goals or to make changes can be overwhelming. Sometimes the tasks are decluttering, downsizing, or cleaning-out-the-basement-type goals. Others are health-related changes such as learning yoga or losing weight. Regardless, moving ourselves forward to do anything can feel like pushing a boulder up a mountain.

Our current state of mental health can make action difficult. We may feel “paralyzed” or “stuck,” seemingly unable to take a step toward positive change. When these feelings persist, they may be the effects of depression and anxiety working together. Anxiety causes us to feel restless and worried. An internal voice often accompanies these emotions, saying, “What are you waiting for? Something bad is going to happen. Do something now!” Depression may affect us in the opposite way, leaving us with fatigue, concentration problems, and feelings of guilt or shame. This internal voice says, “What is the point? It’s only going to be a complete failure, and you’ll be right back to where you started from. Don’t bother!” The pull of opposing forces can keep us locked in one place.

We can also be held back by the fear of failure, not allowing ourselves the luxury to make mistakes. To engage in life only when we feel we are assured success not only narrows the world in which we live, but also opens us up for tremendous disappointment when the inevitable happens. Not everything goes as planned.

When we have healthy self-esteem, we can recognize our value and worth despite what happens around us.

If we allow how we feel about ourselves to rise and fall in step with life events, chances are we are struggling with low self-esteem. For example, when we finally get a raise, we feel great about ourselves and our level of competence. Then our coworker points out a mistake in our year-end report, that great feeling plummets and we mentally attack ourselves. If we can’t find a way out of that slump until the next happy event, we may find ourselves stuck on an emotional roller coaster. Attaching our self-worth to events in our day-to-day life sets us up for low self-esteem, which can contribute to depression, anxiety, guilt, and shame.

When we have healthy self-esteem, we can recognize our value and worth despite what happens around us. Healthy self-esteem can give us the ability to move forward and withstand the ups and downs we face. When we aren’t supportive and kind to the person we see in the mirror, everything we try to do can seem like an enormous challenge.

The First Step Is Often the Hardest

When formalizing a plan to reach a goal, we need to look at the whole picture. We may be overwhelmed by all the time and effort the plan will take, the people involved, the cost, etc. What appears helpful in theory may suddenly become an enormous storm cloud. Who would want to take a step forward into all of that?

Change can’t occur without some form of action.

Breaking the goal down into smaller steps allows it to look more manageable and feel more attainable. Yet even this helpful strategy sometimes doesn’t motivate us into action. This is where our new mantra, “motion is lotion,” can prove helpful.

Change can’t occur without some form of action. To move requires one small step, and one small step is “lotion” to whatever we are trying to improve.

Consider the effort it sometimes takes to get ourselves to the gym. How much time do we spend talking ourselves into (and out of) going? Yet, chances are, the first step that gets us into the gym gives us a surge of motivation to continue. After our workout, we may feel more confident about ourselves and our ability to improve our health. Put another way, that first step could be considered the antidote to what ailed us.

The same theory applies to our efforts toward personal change. We can consider the first steps to be the lotion to what needs healed, the salve to what hurts, and the confidence to improve our lives.

How to Get Moving

If you could apply a lotion to your thoughts and feelings to give you happiness and fulfillment, would you slather it on? If you could be assured that a specific action toward a goal would feel good, would that action be worth it? If one step, even a small step, would give you an incremental positive feeling, would you do it?

If our new mantra has made a comfortable little space in your brain by now, why not consider trying a “motion is lotion” experiment? Grab a journal and write your thoughts about goals or changes you want to tackle.

What steps do you need to take to achieve these goals? Be sure to create steps that are attainable. They should be large enough to feel momentum but small enough that you don’t become overwhelmed. You can include other mantras, words of inspiration, or reminders of why this goal is important. As you prepare for the first step, write down how this “motion” will be the “lotion” for what you want to heal, change, or improve.

Return to your journal after step one. Add additional thoughts and feelings that inspire you to keep going. Continue to assess how the action of each step feels and how it changes the way you see yourself. Look at how it brings you closer to healing, health, fulfillment, and joy.

For help with these steps, as well as exploring your thoughts and feelings, seek the assistance of a licensed counselor.

We all have things we’d like to accomplish. However, many of us struggle at times in the pursuit of our goals. We lack motivation, have no energy to get started, or don’t know where to begin. We procrastinate or find excuses. Then we judge ourselves harshly for being “lazy” or “slacking.” Sometimes all we need is a jump-start, a strategy or two to get us moving when we’re feeling stuck or we’ve been idling too long.

Here are some tried-and-true ideas:

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1. Set a timer for 15 minutes. You know those clothes that came out of the dryer and need to be folded? Or the dishes that magically appeared in the sink? Instead of secretly wishing those things would disappear, challenge yourself and make a game of it. See how much you can accomplish in just 15 minutes; set the timer and go! You may be surprised at the number of things you can complete in a short period of time, especially when you’re racing against the clock. It also helps to know there is an end to the chore. In just 15 minutes, it will be done. Or, by then, you will have tricked yourself into continuing, because you’re on a roll and find you want to complete the task rather than leave some of it undone.
2. Buddy up. You’ve promised yourself that you’re going to wake up early and go for morning walks, but that pledge was made a month ago and you still haven’t found your sneakers. Find a partner to keep you accountable. Ask those around you if they’d be interested in doing the same thing. Once you find one or two “buddies,” decide to check in with each other the night before to keep yourselves on track. Self-motivation can be difficult. Send reminders and support one another.
3. Same time, same place. Consistency helps with motivation. If you intend to read more, decide on a location and time that you can devote to reading regularly. It might be picking your favorite corner of a coffee shop at noon or the comfy chair in your living room at 8 p.m. each evening. Have your book at the ready and devote an hour or so to fulfilling your intention. By being consistent, you may be less likely to hesitate or compromise and allow other things to get in the way. If you have a project you need to work on (college applications, cleaning your closets, putting together a presentation) and you find yourself doing anything and everything to avoid it, schedule a consistent block of time each day to chip away at it. An example would be setting aside 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. daily until the project is complete. You may find yourself devoting less time to debating yourself and more time to doing. One important thing to note: there is often no ideal time or place. If you’re waiting for that, you may never get started. Just go with what works and take it from there.
4. Go public. This can be scary, for sure, but words have so much power. Once you declare what you want to accomplish, you may have more energy behind what you set out to do. You might be surprised to receive the support of others. While that may not always be the case, you can even be fueled by naysayers. Adopt an “I’ll show them!” attitude and devote more attention to what you want to see happen. When you own your goals in a big way, when you aren’t whispering them into the wind, you may be more likely to take big steps in accordance with them.
5. Set up a reward. Go ahead, wave that “carrot”! Think about how you could reward yourself, either at intervals or upon completion. A reward could be as simple as getting up and getting a cup of coffee after you complete some paperwork, or buying a new pair of jeans upon achieving a weight-loss goal. Remind yourself that the reward is something you know you’d really enjoy, even more so having earned it.
6. Remove obstacles. Do what you can to set the stage for success. For example, if you’re seeking to work on your taxes, gather all that you might need prior to beginning the project rather than approaching it piecemeal, which may only serve to frustrate you. If you’re trying to make it to an early workout class, lay out your workout clothes the night before and have your bottle of water ready to go in the refrigerator. You want to be able to get up and go rather than face obstacles like not being able to find your shirt in the dark. Another example might be thinking about beginning therapy. Find a therapist whose schedule can accommodate you, whose office isn’t too far from home or work, or who accepts your insurance so you don’t find the cost prohibitive. [amazon_affiliate]
7. Know your “why.” Give some thought to what you will gain as result of taking the action you’re considering. Your “why” needs to be for you and not someone else. Having clarity around it may enable you to break through the inertia that held you back. Simon Sinek, in his book Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action, describes the “why” as the higher cause, the vision you have. The mechanics of what you are setting out to do, the “what” and the “how,” are lifted to a new level of meaning when you know your “why,” thereby inspiring you to take action with a greater sense of purpose.

Don’t assume you’ll suddenly become motivated. Utilize one or more of these strategies to begin moving forward. Sometimes all you need is to take the first step or two to begin building the momentum you want to see.

Reference:

Sinek, S. (2009). Start with why: How great leaders inspire everyone to take action. New York, NY: Penguin Group.

Pursuing psychotherapy is a brave endeavor indeed. Many people make this choice when they find themselves in a dark place and are unable to see any light ahead of them.

In order to even begin the process of finding a therapist, you may first have to confront societal and internal judgments (“I must be sick.” “What’s wrong with me that I need to do this?” and so on). After that, you then find yourself attempting to choose a complete stranger who you will entrust with your innermost thoughts. If you haven’t sought therapy before, you may feel overwhelmed and as if you are stepping into the unknown. You might feel anxious or afraid and be unsure of the best way to proceed.

If you are experiencing serious distress, you may have gone as far as you can by yourself, or with the support of friends and family, and done as much as possible in order to improve on your own. You may feel as if you have no further choice beyond therapy.

Whatever your reasons for choosing therapy, however you get to the therapy office, I have a tremendous faith in the psychotherapeutic process. When a therapist and the person seeking help can earnestly work together to explore the person’s inner world, utilizing the contact made between the two of them (the therapeutic relationship), greater insight and an increased ability to address and work through inner conflicts is likely, and maturation often follows.

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I don’t think that every therapy process is successful, however. A number of unconscious forces may be at work, in either the person seeking help or the therapist attempting to help them, and any of these might effectively derail therapy.

Keeping the following eight points in mind, from the time you begin therapy and throughout the process, may help you make the best of your choice to seek help—and get the most out of your therapy sessions.

1. Therapy starts when you decide to seek therapy.

Take your search for a therapist seriously. Try to get a few names of potential therapists you can then interview. Taking the time to be thorough and control your search better enables you to find the therapist who fits you best, not only with regard to the specific issues bringing you to therapy, but also with regard to your personality and identity.

Some mental health professionals offer a first consultation over the phone, free of charge. Take advantage of this, if possible. You may be able to get a feel for their manner and personality, and at the very least, rule out some who may not be ideal for you and your needs.

2. Allow yourself the time to assess the fit of your therapist.

If you are in distress, you may be anxious to begin therapy and alleviate some of what you are struggling with. This is a common feeling. You might want to just choose a therapist at random and fall right into the process of therapy. While this can work for some people, it is often best to consider the first few sessions as a mutual assessment and use them to get a felt sense of whether this therapist not only listens, but hears what you have to say, and if this is a helping professional you feel comfortable with. Doing so is likely to greatly increase the chances for a good therapeutic alliance and eventually, success with treatment.

That being said, listen to your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s generally best to move on in your search.

3. Take some time in the beginning to think about your goals for therapy.

Although therapy can take unexpected twists and turns, you can establish a more definitive direction to continue to assess the therapy if you establish goals in the beginning and keep these in mind throughout your work with a therapist. Goals might include minimizing painful symptoms, gaining insight, or pursuing transformation, among others. Regardless of what goals look like for you, they can often serve as a guide when therapy seems aimless.

Regardless of the number of therapy sessions you attend each week, you can maximize the benefits of treatment if you take the time to reflect on what you talked about in the session and—even more importantly—what you felt during and after each session.

4. Share your doubts, fears, concerns, and hopes.

You might be surprised to learn many people don’t share their doubts, fears, concerns, or even hopes with their therapist, perhaps because doing so might feel scary. But I say it can be well worth the risk! These feelings are deep expressions of you, and they can help your therapist know your particular vulnerabilities and become more informed about what you need from your therapy.

If your therapist reacts negatively to these feelings, this is often a red flag they might not be a good fit for your needs.

5. Talk to others who are receiving or have received “good” therapies.

It can be helpful to talk to friends or family members who have had a positive therapy experience. It’s possible to discuss this without exchanging details that may be too personal or private. You might simply ask what helped them most in their experience, or what detail(s) made their therapist a good fit. Although every therapeutic relationship will be unique, there are some universal aspects of good therapy you can look for.

6. If you don’t like something your therapist says, tell them. If you really like something your therapist says, tell them.

It is very possible that, if you are suffering or experiencing distress as an adult, your injuries were originally sustained within the context of your early relationships with caretakers. Thus, opportunities for healing are often greatest within the context of a relationship. Because of this, it is important to share feelings of hurt, anger, or disappointment, along with more positive feelings, with your therapist. This feedback is helpful, and can be essential, as it helps your therapist get to know you better and gain greater understanding of what you need from therapy.

7. Try to reflect on each session in between sessions. Share those thoughts with your therapist.

Regardless of the number of therapy sessions you attend each week, you can maximize the benefits of treatment if you take the time to reflect on what you talked about in the session and—even more importantly—what you felt during and after each session. These feelings often communicate something important about what is happening on an unconscious level during the therapy process.

8. Reflect on your goals from time to time during the therapy.

Use your goals as signposts from time to time. Beyond simply keeping them in mind, take the time to really consider them. Checking in on how things are going, with yourself and with the therapist, can be helpful. Doing so can allow you to recalibrate with your therapist, if necessary, in order to stay on course.

Therapy can be a lengthy process. It may be difficult at times, but keeping these tips in mind can help you increase your chances of success and make it more likely you will find the challenge of seeking treatment to be a rewarding one. Therapy can work for you, as much as you work for it.

I wish you the best in your therapeutic endeavors.