Talking to Your Boomer Parents About Therapy 

While the stigma surrounding mental health has dissipated in recent years, many members of society — and the older generation, in particular — are still reluctant to seek out the help they need. 

For example, one recent study found that while two out of every three baby boomers live with mental health issues, many brush them off entirely. More specifically, 27 percent don’t tell anyone about their symptoms, and 22 percent believe that these conditions aren’t serious. 

This makes perfect sense given that boomers, who were born between 1946 and 1964, grew up in a time when mental illness was generally a taboo topic. Many of this generation were raised to think that it was wrong to talk about perceived “weaknesses” and that they should toughen up and deal with these issues internally.  

Unfortunately, this isn’t the best approach.  

If you’re wondering how to deal with a parent with mental illnesses, you’ve come to the right place. Before we examine what you can do, specifically, to encourage your parents to give therapy a try, let’s take a step back and take a look at some of the major drivers of mental health issues in baby boomers. 

What Causes Mental Health Issues in Baby Boomers? 

While some baby boomers might have struggled with mental health illnesses their whole lives, others may develop new conditions as time goes on. 

Here are some of the most common conditions boomer parents face — as well as some of the reasons why they come to the surface in the first place: 

• Depression. Whether boomers are losing their mobility in their older years, have chronic debilitating conditions, or are dealing with the loss of loved ones, it’s not uncommon for them to develop depression in their later years. Similarly, some parents might also look back on their lives and see that they didn’t live up to their potential, made mistakes, or are still angry about something that happened decades ago, and it puts them in a dark place.
   
• Anxiety. A traumatic event (e.g., a car accident), social isolation (e.g., children growing up and visiting less frequently), or financial concerns that come from a loss of a full-time income can cause some boomers to suffer from anxiety disorders. To this end, it comes as no surprise that one study found that 40 percent of boomers said they were anxious or depressed during the COVID-19 pandemic.
   
• Substance abuse. With fewer responsibilities on their plates and more free time on their hands — and perhaps a bit of depression and anxiety thrown into the mix — it follows that some boomers develop substance abuse issues in their later years. Luckily, with therapy and determination, it’s possible to overcome these addictions.
   
• Dementia. According to the Alzheimer’s Research Association, one in eight baby boomers will get Alzheimer’s at some point in their lives, with 1 million individuals being diagnosed with the condition each year. While we’re optimistic our loved ones won’t be impacted directly, the odds that this will happen increase over time.  

In addition to these, boomers can also deal with interpersonal struggles as their relationships take on new dynamics. For example, a father’s “little girl” might be 50 all of a sudden, raising a family of her own while also taking care of dad as a member of the sandwich generation. In such a scenario, it can be difficult for some dads to understand how the father-daughter relationship has changed and respond appropriately to the associated developments. 

The good news is that — though aging boomer parents might develop mental illnesses — all hope isn’t lost. 

If you’re caring for aging parents with mental illness or other issues, here are some tactics you can use to help your parents sit down with a geriatric mental health counselor and get treatment. 

How to Deal with a Parent with Mental Illness 

Ensuring your loved one gets the help they need to keep their condition in check or even conquer it altogether starts with getting your mom or dad to buy into the promise of therapy. And this means that you will have to be direct with them and confront them on the issue sooner than later. 

For the best results, approach the situation with love and be as supportive as you possibly can. At the end of the day, you have to remember that you can’t force anyone to go to therapy if they absolutely don’t want to go — which means it might take some convincing to get boomer parents to finally oblige. 

As you begin making your pitch, tell your parents that while you respect their autonomy and everything they’ve done for you over the years, you’re sensing some issues they’re dealing with, and you love them and want to do everything you can to help them live their best lives. Gently suggest that they might want to consider talking to an experienced therapist about their issues a couple times to see whether the experience is worthwhile. 

No one has a better idea about how Mom or Dad might react better than you. At this stage in the conversation, you’ll want to be as empathetic as possible, turning on your active listening skills to really see things from their perspective and fully understand the emotions they’re dealing with. Don’t judge them and don’t give them advice. Just listen to understand. Once they feel thoroughly understood, the idea of therapy might not seem so outlandish anymore, and they might agree to check it out. 

Don’t Forget About Your Own Mental Health! 

Dealing with aging parents is not an easy time. Roles get reversed, health declines, and you’re increasingly tied up with work and kids.  

As you begin the process of convincing your boomer parent to sign up for therapy sessions, keep in mind that you yourself might benefit from therapy during this time, too. As an added bonus, you can use the fact that you’re using therapy as another arrow in the quiver for convincing them to give it a shot. 

Before moving the conversation forward, start searching for local therapists for you and your parents ahead of time. That way, you’re ready with a recommendation when your parents ultimately agree to try therapy. 

Whatever you decide, here’s to getting the treatment you both need to have a fantastic relationship for years to come! 

What Is Involved in an Initial Mental Health Consultation?

If you’re looking for a therapist, you may have noticed phrases like “initial consultation” or “initial mental health consultation.” Are you about to attend your first mental health consultation, or curious about what an initial consultation entails? We figured. Read on to learn all about it. 

Your first conversation with a new mental health provider is exciting. You are taking significant steps to manage your mental health and conquer your goals. A mental health consultation is a perfect time to assess whether or not someone is a right-fit therapist for you. Consider this initial consultation an opportunity to “try them out” – see if you “click” with them, share your goals, and pay attention to how they talk about what you share.

Is this someone you want as an ally on your personal journey? Do they share insights that resonate with your values? Does their approach to therapy work with what you want to get out of the experience? The initial consultation will help you think through these questions. 

What to Expect from an Initial Consultation

Your first conversation with a new mental health provider is exciting. You are taking significant steps to manage your mental health and conquer your goals. A mental health consultation is a perfect time to assess whether or not someone is a right-fit therapist for you. Consider this initial consultation an opportunity to “try them out” – see if you “click” with them, share your goals, and pay attention to how they talk about what you share.

Initial consultations often take place over the phone or video chat and typically run anywhere from 10-30 minutes, depending on the provider. During this time, you’ll get to know the therapist and their practice. They’ll most likely have some questions for you about what you’re looking for, what your concerns are, and what your schedule looks like. They’re trying to assess whether or not they are well-suited to helping you with your concerns. But this is also an opportunity for you to find out what you want to know.

Is this someone you want as an ally on your personal journey? Do they share insights that resonate with your values? Does their approach to therapy work with what you want to get out of the experience? The initial consultation will help you think through these questions. Choosing the right therapist is an important aspect of getting what you need, and it’s worth the effort to prepare a bit before your initial consultation. 

How to Prepare for an Initial Mental Health Consultation

Write Down Your Concerns

The first thing you can do to prepare for your mental health consultation is to write down your concerns. Your list might include symptoms you’re experiencing, difficulties you’re facing, or issues you’d like to explore. Having this list in front of you during an initial consultation will help you ensure you mention everything that you want to bring up with the therapist. Trying to come up with or recall all that information on the spot can be difficult. 

Prepare to Ask Questions

Asking questions is a great tool to help you decide if a therapist is a good fit during your initial mental health consultation. While the therapist will certainly have questions to ask you, too, having some prepared to ask them will help you learn the information that is important to you. 

7 Questions to Ask Your Therapist

#1 What is your specialty?

Most therapists have multiple specialties (or types of therapy and client concerns they specialize in). This does not necessarily mean their specialties cover your specific needs. For example, if someone battling addiction is seeking the help of a mental health professional, the provider needs to have experience in that area in order to be effective.

#2 How long have you been practicing? Tell me about your experience. 

Listening to a therapist talk about their experience will help you understand what they’ve seen and what they can help with. It’s important to note that many therapists have a variety of experiences that are relevant to their practice, both professionally and personally. 

#3 How much will I pay? 

While more and more therapists are accepting insurance, many don’t – and almost all will accept private-pay clients. One perk of private-pay options is that your therapist doesn’t have to submit a mental health diagnosis to an insurance company. Make sure to ask them about their fees, sliding-scale opportunities, and any pre-paid, discounted, multi-session packages they may offer so you can make the arrangements you need to cover the cost of therapy. 

#4 How often will we meet?

The therapist might have an idea in mind for the frequency of your therapy sessions. This may differ depending on your needs, and will likely be subject to change based on your progress. 

#5 What will my treatment plan look like?

Is there a concrete treatment plan that they want you to follow? This is important for helping you stay engaged and setting expectations for your work together. If you’re interested in a specific type of therapy this provider offers, like EMDR or Brainspotting, now is a great time to bring it up. 

#6 Do you assign homework? 

Many therapists will give their clients “homework,” or things to work on in-between visits. Therapy homework may include techniques to try, exercises to practice, and coping strategies to use.

#7 I want to work with you. What happens next? 

If you’ve made up your mind and decided to go with this therapist after your initial mental health consultation, you should ask what the next steps are going to include. These next steps may include “homework,” coordinating with your insurance, scheduling your first therapy session, and more.

The Value of an Initial Consultation

If you decide to work with a therapist after an initial consultation, that’s great, but even if you decide they’re not the best fit for you, your time was not spent in vain. It’s very helpful to find this out before you settle on a therapist, and if you have concerns that are outside this particular therapist’s scope of practice, they may have recommendations for you of therapists who do work with folks that have your sort of concerns. 

Many therapists offer this initial mental health consultation for free. To find someone in your area who offers this, click here to search by zip code or city and then filter your results by Pricing>Free Initial Consultation. 

In day-to-day life, we often spend a lot of time holding in the feelings and thoughts we have about others. These thoughts may be about people we love, someone we’re in relationship with, those we work with, or even just people we dislike but need to interact with regularly.

Life is about relationships; the quality of those relationships can contribute to how fully alive and happy we get to be. The authenticity and honesty in our closest relationships are strong markers for a healthy life—but we still hold back.

Why Do We Hold Back?

Part of the reason for this is maturity. Many of us know what it’s like to be with a child who doesn’t have a filter. They might tell a stranger that they’re ugly or let Great-Aunt Abigail know that her birthday gift was the same as last year’s—and it wasn’t appreciated then! This child hasn’t yet learned that little white lies can be okay and that there are times we aren’t blatantly honest in order to protect the feelings of others.

Another contributing factor is that we can get so used to holding in our thoughts and feelings that we lose awareness of them. And when they do make it awareness, we often say, “Bah! It’s not that big of a deal. Forget it.”

There goes another repressed feeling.

When Repressed Thoughts and Feelings Surface

Maybe we unload into a journal or speak with a friend or partner (not about them, but about each other.) Perhaps those feelings get displaced onto others, or even somatized into physical symptoms. Suddenly, all the little things we didn’t think were important are coming out in unexpected, unhelpful, and unhealthy ways.

We must learn to bring into consciousness the small cuts that build up in our lives and hold us back from more intimate relationships.

We think, “Okay. Let’s head to therapy! That will help with my anger, anxiety, or depression.”

In a counseling session, we may talk about Great-Aunt Abigail’s cheapness and how it seems to show how little she’s cared for us all along. Maybe we talk about a demeaning boss with whom we can never express our full frustration. Perhaps we get to share about all our friends who willingly take and take but never seem to return all we do for them.

Realizing Your Therapist Is Human

We should talk about all of these issues with our counselor. But over time, something else often becomes apparent: we discover our therapist is also a human being. We begin holding back the same kinds of thoughts and feelings from them.

A few examples of these thoughts include:

• “They looked at the clock a few more times than they usually do, but maybe they’re just hungry and looking forward to lunch. Never mind that it made me feel expendable.”
• “Okay, they stumbled when remembering my child’s name—I’ve only been talking about the little brat for 8 months now. But they must have so many clients, right?”
• “That was definitely a yawn. A yawn! How dare they. Oh, come on, it’s 8 p.m. It’s not a big deal. Stop thinking about it.”

Why Should I Share These Thoughts With My Therapist?

We often censor feelings and thoughts about our therapists because we know that’s the mature thing to do. We certainly won’t make too many friends if we’re constantly telling the people in our lives how they’ve let us down. But we’re not in our “daily lives” in therapy. We’re in therapy. We’re in this experimental petri dish to get to know ourselves better, something we can only do in relationship to someone else. We must learn to bring into consciousness the small cuts that build up in our lives and hold us back from more intimate relationships.

Talking with your therapist about any of the thoughts listed above may not get them to change or apologize, although that may happen. The main purpose of verbalizing these feelings is to give you the experience of exploring how these slights, which are most likely replicated in real life and often in bigger ways, affect you and your relationships with others. Discussing these thoughts in a trusting therapeutic relationship can help you work toward spending less energy holding them in on a regular basis. It can help to find a trusted therapist near you with whom you can explore these feelings.

Over time, you may find you are not holding grudges for as long as you used to or that your expressions of anger are not as strong as they’ve been in the past. This may mean you’ve begun to release yourself from the grasp of those slights and the repressed thoughts that often accompany them.

The decision to initiate any interpersonal relationship is anxiety-provoking, and the decision to talk with a therapist might be uniquely so. When we decide to meet with a therapist, we are faced with numerous challenges: allowing ourselves to depend on someone else for help and support; revealing our problems; risking trust in a stranger; facing what we have avoided; and relinquishing long-held, sometimes beloved habits, to name a few.

When we refer someone to therapy, it is important to keep this in mind. Though the statement “I recommend you talk to a therapist” sounds simple and benevolent enough, we cannot lose sight of the fact our caring act is simultaneously an anxiety-provoking challenge to the would-be person in therapy. So how can we go about this in a way that doesn’t provoke any additional, unnecessary worries or fears?

The following is a list of principles one can consider when making a referral to a therapist. While these ideas do not guarantee a certain outcome, they may reduce the chances of triggering anxiety that could promote avoidance.

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1. Make it about their needs and goals.

Therapy is much more likely to succeed if the person is there of their own free will, motivated by their own goals, trying to meet their own needs. External pressures to be there and pressures to work on problems that other people see, but that we do not see, can lead therapies to get stuck. The last thing we want to do is refer someone to therapy because we want them to change or conform to some goal that we have for them. That’s usually a recipe for someone either avoiding therapy or showing up but hating it.

Good therapy involves difficult, anxiety-provoking work, so most people will want to do that only if it is their only option for reaching specific goals. That is why it can be important for your referral proposal to include a reference to those goals, and to the way their emotional difficulties hold them back. An example could be: “Seems like the headaches you are getting are really hassling you at work, and it seems like they get worse with stress. Therapy can help with that and it might make you less miserable at work and home.” In this example, it is clear the referral is in the service of the person’s feelings and interests, done out of care and concern for them and not out of some demand or expectation by the referral source.

2. Make it optional.

I encourage you to make your recommendation optional, with liberal use of comments such as, “It’s really up to you,” “I’m not sure if I’m right, but it’s something you can decide for yourself,” and, “It’s not a requirement, just a thought.” I encourage you to phrase your referral as optional because going to therapy is optional. Therapy is anxiety-provoking enough to begin with, and we only add anxiety if we make the person feel like it’s an expectation, a demand, or a requirement.

When we approach therapy as a demand or requirement instead of an option, we can trigger a few responses that decrease the effectiveness of our referral. If the person we are hoping to refer has submissive tendencies, they may comply with our wish that they be in therapy. That will get them as far as a therapist’s office, but because they are not there of their own free will, they may not get the full benefits of the therapy. Other people may respond to our demand that they seek therapy with defiance or stubbornness. Rather than consider the option, they may say no just to spite you and to stymie your efforts to control them, even if they feel therapy could help.

Therapy has the highest likelihood of helping if the person is there of their own volition, not out of compliance, so be sure to remind yourself and the person you want to refer that the referral is optional.

If we’re clear about the reality of therapy—that the length of treatment and the level of commitment is up to them—they may find it less threatening and be more likely to try it.

3. Make it conditional.

What do we commit to when we commit to meeting with a therapist? Many people fear that by meeting with a therapist, they are committing to a long-term relationship. They sometimes also fear the therapist will decide how long the therapy lasts. These are anxiety-provoking preconceptions, and they are incorrect. When we try to refer people to therapy, it is important that we remind them of the truth—they are agreeing to one session at a time, and the length of the treatment is their choice, based on their goals and preferences.

It may help to be frank about what an initial therapy session is: a test drive. You can say, “You can meet with Maury and decide if you’d like to meet with him again. The first session or sessions can help you decide if you think he might help. You may know right away you’d like to meet with him more, but sometimes it can take a few sessions to decide if it’s worth continuing to invest in the therapy. Either way, it’s up to you how many sessions you go for. A therapist is an employee whom you can hire and fire.”

When we present the idea of therapy as a test drive, something the person can continue for as long as it meets certain conditions for them, we take away anxieties that therapy will be more of a commitment than the person may want. If we’re clear about the reality of therapy—that the length of treatment and the level of commitment is up to them—they may find it less threatening and be more likely to try it.

4. Do not make promises.

Ethically speaking, even a therapist cannot make promises, predictions, or guarantees about what they can do. We do not have a crystal ball with which to see the future. Often, my initial phone call with a new referral includes a difficult conversation along these lines:

Person: “So, do you think you can help me?”

Me: “Well, for better or worse I can’t know that just yet. We’d have to meet for you to form an opinion about that.”

Even if it’s a bit disillusioning, this is the truth. Like physicians or personal trainers, therapists can’t know whether their efforts will turn out to be helpful—only time and a careful, continuous, collaborative assessment will tell. We find out if our treatment plan is helpful once it helps.

There is great danger when a referral source makes promises about therapy or a therapist. Any expectations you give to the person you’re trying to refer can give them false hope or make them unnecessarily anxious and avoidant.

Every therapy session is, like every day of life, an experiment—we assess the problem that’s going on, pick an intervention or style of intervention we think might help, try it out, see what result we get, and adjust our treatment plan according to what works and what doesn’t. There is no magic to it, just a workaday process of trial and error, where we work hard to tailor a unique therapy to the unique person and their unique goals. In that sense, any preconceived expectations about therapy, just like in any other relationship, will be false.

For these reasons, there is great danger when a referral source makes promises about therapy or a therapist. Any expectations you give to the person you’re trying to refer can give them false hope or make them unnecessarily anxious and avoidant.

For example, a referral source could say, “He specializes in depression—he gets great outcomes.” Even if that is true, no two depressions are the same because no two people are the same. Likewise, no two treatments are the same because no two therapy teams are the same. Making promises or suggestions regarding a particular outcome can promote misleading or false hope. It may also distract from the fact it’s the work of the person in therapy, not the work of the so-called “expert in depression,” that makes or breaks the therapy.

Referral sources sometimes also make claims about a therapist’s technique when making a referral. For example: “He’s a very confrontative therapist—he’ll bust right through your defenses!” While it may be true that a therapist is capable of being confrontative, and while that kind of therapy may be appropriate for some people’s needs, presenting a referral in this way can be problematic. Good therapists base their technique on a careful assessment of the unique needs of the person in therapy, not based on what the therapist is good at or known for. Because of that, there is no guarantee the person you’re referring will ever have their defenses “confronted”—it all depends on the therapist’s assessment of what might help in the moment. Making such claims about a therapist can set up false expectations or give a person something to fear. Imagine already being nervous about letting go of certain defense mechanisms and then hearing a therapist is going to “bust right through” them.

For these reasons, when I refer someone to a therapist, I say something like, “There’s no way of knowing how it will go in advance, so the best way to find out whether the therapist can help is to go and check them out, assess how you feel with them, and make the best decision you can about whether to keep investing in the therapy. Hopefully they’ll be flexible and you two can make a therapy together that meets your needs.”

5. Let go of your desires!

If you haven’t caught it yet, my main thesis here is that while we can suggest that someone goes to therapy, or reveal our desire that they go, it is up to them. Pressuring people into doing something that is anxiety-provoking will usually lead to avoidance, submissive compliance, or stubborn defiance.

It is hard, but we must accept that we all have the right to avoid therapy and the anxieties that are built into it. No matter how badly we want to see a friend, loved one, or other person get help, our wanting it cannot make them want it. Only their inner desires can do that. So, while we can feel free to make suggestions to people about going to therapy, we must remember that they can do it only for them, not for us. Our desires for them can play only a very limited role in someone else’s therapy journey.

Example of Referring Someone to Therapy

Here is an example, based on the principles above, of what I might say to refer someone to a therapist:

“You seem to be suffering a lot and you’ve been clear that you’re not liking that, so I’ve been thinking that therapy might be useful to you. Obviously, it’s up to you if you want to go, but I do have the name of a person who I think might be able to help. Of course, that’s no guarantee, and you may have to shop around a bit to find someone who is a good fit. Either way, if you want to check this person out, they could be helpful. Do you want me to pass their contact info along?”

You can phrase this any way you like, but I think the key points for any referral are here:

1. Seems like you’re hurting, so therapy might be worth a shot.
2. It’s up to you.
3. You’re not committing to a lifetime on the couch, just one initial session.
4. There’s no guarantee it’ll be worthwhile, but the only way to find out is by trying.

Of course, this approach does not guarantee a specific outcome, but I believe it gives the best possible chance that the person will feel cared about by you, make the decision for themselves, and have the most realistic expectations possible going into therapy. Let me know if this helps!