When you finally decide to leave a toxic workplace, you may expect instant relief. You might picture walking out for the last time feeling lighter, happier, and ready to take on the world. But many people feel something more complicated: sadness, anger, guilt, disorientation, or regret. If you recently left a hostile work environment and feel worse instead of better, you may be experiencing workplace grief.

Workplace grief
Toxic job recovery
Work identity
Nervous system support

In this blog

How workplace grief starts after the adrenaline crash

Why workplace grief can follow a toxic job

A case example of disenfranchised grief

The stages of workplace grief

How to heal from workplace grief and move forward

Key insight: workplace grief is not proof that leaving was a mistake. It can be the mind and body finally having enough quiet space to feel the losses that were hidden by constant stress.

Understanding why people grieve a job they hated is a crucial step in healing. The goal is not to force yourself into gratitude or deny that the workplace was harmful. It is to make room for the loss, the exhaustion, and the identity shift so you can move forward with more self-compassion.

How Workplace Grief Starts: The Crash After the Adrenaline

To understand workplace grief, it helps to look at what a toxic job can do to the brain and body. Working in a hostile environment may keep your nervous system on high alert. You may be bracing for the next harsh email, unrealistic demand, public criticism, or conflict with a difficult boss. The body can start living as if another threat is always about to arrive.

The CDC’s National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health describes job stress as harmful physical and emotional responses that can happen when job demands do not match a worker’s needs, resources, or abilities. In a toxic workplace, this mismatch may feel relentless, especially when a person has little control or support.

When you finally leave, the constant threat disappears. The nervous system that has been running on adrenaline and stress hormones may suddenly crash. Without the daily crisis to manage, your mind finally has room to process the emotional toll the job took on you. That quiet space is often where grief begins to surface.

A common workplace grief sequence

01	The job keeps your body on alert through conflict, pressure, or unpredictability.
02	Leaving removes the daily emergency, but it also removes familiar routines, roles, and relationships.
03	The body crashes from sustained stress, and the mind begins to feel what it could not process while surviving.
04	Sadness, anger, guilt, or confusion may appear even when leaving was the healthy choice.

Why Workplace Grief Can Follow a Toxic Job

Grief is often associated with the death of a loved one, but grief can also follow other significant losses. A GoodTherapy article on grieving when nobody died names losses of career, role, health, closeness, and identity as experiences that may carry real pain. Another GoodTherapy resource on workplace grief and loss notes how much emotional life can be held inside work relationships. Research on job loss has also found that grief can be distinct from depression and anxiety, especially when employment is tied to identity and self-esteem (Papa & Maitoza, 2013). A related NIH/PMC article on job loss grief discusses grief reactions that can follow involuntary work loss.

Leaving a toxic job can involve multiple hidden losses. The workplace may have been harmful, but it still held hopes, relationships, daily rhythms, and parts of your professional self.

Three hidden losses that can drive workplace grief

Potential and hope	You may be mourning what the job was supposed to become: mentorship, growth, meaningful projects, or a stable future.
Work identity	You may have become the fixer, the peacemaker, or the one who could handle pressure. Leaving can temporarily shake that sense of purpose.
Coworker bonds	Shared hardship can create intense emotional bonds. Leaving can bring guilt about coworkers who remain in the environment.

The Loss of Potential and Hope

When you accepted the job, you may have had high hopes. You might have imagined a long career, supportive mentors, and exciting projects. Workplace grief is often about mourning the loss of what the job was supposed to be. A related GoodTherapy reflection on mourning the loss of an ideal speaks to this kind of pain: not only losing what happened, but losing what you hoped would happen.

The Loss of Work Identity

For many professionals, work becomes intertwined with identity. Surviving a high-pressure environment can even become a badge of honor. If you were known as the person who could always manage the crisis, calm the conflict, or absorb the pressure, leaving can feel like losing a role you never fully chose.

Trauma Bonding and the Loss of Coworkers

One of the hardest parts of leaving can be leaving your team behind. Coworkers in hostile environments often form intense bonds through shared hardship. You may miss people you cared about, even while knowing the workplace harmed you. You may also feel guilt for "abandoning" coworkers who are still dealing with the difficult boss, culture, or workload.

If the grief feels confusing

A therapist can help you sort out grief, stress, identity loss, and possible trauma responses without judging your decision to leave. You can search for support through the GoodTherapy therapist directory.

A Case Example: Jane Doe

Consider the story of a client I will call Jane Doe. Jane spent three years working at a highly competitive, fast-paced job in Utah’s Silicon Slopes. Her manager was demanding, often texting her late at night and belittling her in front of others. When Jane finally found a new, healthier job and handed in her resignation, she expected to be thrilled.

Instead, during her first week at the new job, Jane found herself crying in her car. She missed the chaotic energy of her old agency. She felt immense guilt for leaving her favorite coworker behind to deal with their difficult boss alone. She also felt a deep sense of failure, believing she should have been strong enough to change the culture of her old firm.

Jane was experiencing disenfranchised grief, a type of grief that is not typically acknowledged or socially supported (Doka, 1989). Because friends and family kept congratulating her on leaving the "bad job," Jane felt she had to hide her sadness. Once she learned to label her feelings as grief, she was able to process her complex emotions and more fully embrace her new, healthier role.

The Stages of Workplace Grief

The well-known Kübler-Ross model names denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance as stages of grief (Kübler-Ross, 1969). These stages can be useful language, but they can also be misleading if they are treated as a neat checklist. Workplace grief, especially grief that is not widely recognized, rarely moves in a tidy order.

You may feel acceptance one day and anger the next. You may feel relieved and devastated in the same hour. You may know logically that leaving was necessary and still miss the people, urgency, or identity that came with the role. This is not inconsistency. It is how grief often works.

Try this now: name one part of the job you are glad to be free from, and one part you honestly miss. Let both be true for a moment. You do not have to make one feeling cancel the other.

How to Heal From Workplace Grief and Move Forward

If you are navigating workplace grief after leaving a toxic job, there are practical steps that can support your mental health and ease the transition. Start by giving yourself permission to feel however you feel. Do not judge your sadness or try to force yourself to be happy just because you escaped. Healing requires you to feel the pain rather than ignore it.

Next, focus on regulating your nervous system. Establish predictable, calming routines in daily life. Simple actions like taking a daily walk, practicing slower breathing, eating meals at regular times, protecting sleep, or enjoying a quiet morning coffee can help teach your body that it is no longer in the old environment. The National Institute of Mental Health notes that stress is a physical and mental response and that healthy coping can support well-being during stressful periods.

A steadying checklist after leaving a toxic job

01	Let yourself grieve the hopes, routines, coworkers, and identity pieces that mattered.
02	Build small routines that signal safety: meals, sleep, movement, daylight, and quiet transitions.
03	Notice guilt without treating it as proof that you did something wrong.
04	Consider therapy if the experience still feels overwhelming, isolating, or hard to make sense of.

Professional support can provide a safe place to unpack what happened. A therapist can help you identify lingering trauma responses, rebuild professional self-esteem, and establish healthy, protective boundaries for your next career move. A GoodTherapy article on the trauma of workplace stress also describes how chronic unrealistic demands and conflict can leave people feeling victimized, anxious, fatigued, or isolated.

It can also help to distinguish workplace grief from burnout. The World Health Organization describes burnout as an occupational phenomenon resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed, and GoodTherapy’s discussion of perfectionism and burnout describes how prolonged stress can deplete motivation and hope. Burnout and grief can overlap, but workplace grief often includes mourning what you hoped the job would be, who you became there, and who you had to leave behind.

Leaving a toxic workplace is an act of self-preservation. The grief that follows is not a sign of weakness, and it does not mean you made a mistake. It may be your mind’s way of catching up to the hardship you endured. By facing this grief with patience and self-compassion, you can clear a path toward a healthier professional future.

Support for workplace grief

If leaving a job has brought up grief, stress, or anxiety that feels hard to carry alone, you can look for a therapist through the GoodTherapy therapist directory.

Frequently Asked Questions

Answers to common questions about workplace grief after leaving a toxic job.

Q: What is workplace grief? +

A: Workplace grief is the sadness, anger, guilt, identity loss, or confusion that can follow a major work-related loss. It can happen after leaving a toxic job, losing a role, ending coworker relationships, or grieving the career path you hoped the job would become.

Q: Why do I miss a job that hurt me? +

A: You may miss the familiar routines, coworkers, identity, urgency, or hopes attached to the job, even if the environment was harmful. Missing parts of the job does not mean the job was healthy or that leaving was wrong.

Q: How long does workplace grief last? +

A: There is no fixed timeline. Workplace grief may ease as your nervous system settles, your new routines become familiar, and you process what was lost. If the grief feels intense, persistent, or isolating, therapy can provide support.

Q: What helps after leaving a toxic job? +

A: Permission to feel, predictable routines, nervous system regulation, supportive relationships, and therapy can all help. It may also help to name the specific losses, such as lost potential, work identity, or coworker bonds.

References

Doka, K. J. (1989). Disenfranchised grief: Recognizing hidden sorrow. Lexington Books.

Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. Macmillan.

Papa, A., & Maitoza, R. (2013). The role of loss in the experience of grief: The case of job loss. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 18(2), 152-169. DOI: 10.1080/15325024.2012.684580

Take the Next Step

You do not have to make sense of workplace grief alone. Compassionate support can help you process what happened and rebuild steadier boundaries for what comes next.

Find a Therapist Near You >

About the Author Dr. R. C. Morris, LCSW, PhD Licensed Clinical Social Worker | Salt Lake City, Utah Dr. R. C. Morris practices with Liberated Mind Counseling and Health Center in Salt Lake City, Utah. His work supports clients navigating anxiety, depression, grief, identity concerns, life transitions, career concerns, and questions of meaning or purpose. His clinical approach includes evidence-based, values-oriented therapy, including Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and cognitive behavioral approaches. This article reflects his focus on helping people understand and heal from the hidden grief that can follow stressful or painful work experiences. View Profile >

Suicidal thoughts are often treated solely as symptoms to be eliminated or risks to be managed, yet this narrow focus can overlook their deeper meaning. Many people who experience suicidal thoughts are also carrying unresolved trauma, loss, or chronic emotional pain. This article explores what suicidal thoughts may be trying to tell us, reframing the desire for death not as a literal wish to die but as a signal that something in a person’s life, identity, or relationships has become unbearable or unsustainable. When these thoughts are approached with curiosity, compassion, and attention to meaning alongside safety, therapy can become a space where individuals feel understood rather than silenced, and where genuine change can begin.

Suicidal ThoughtsEmotional PainTrauma and LossTherapy Support

In This Blog

• Why suicidal thoughts are so often misunderstood
• Suicidal thoughts as communication
• Trauma, loss, and chronic emotional pain
• How therapy can create space for meaning
• Reclaiming agency and choice
• Frequently asked questions

If safety feels uncertain

If you or someone nearby may act on suicidal thoughts or cannot stay safe, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline now, use 988 chat, call local emergency services, or go to the nearest emergency room. The National Institute of Mental Health warning signs can also help loved ones recognize when immediate support is needed.

Why Suicidal Thoughts Are So Often Misunderstood

For many people, the moment suicidal thoughts arise, fear takes over. Individuals may feel ashamed, frightened by their own minds, or convinced that something is deeply wrong with them. Friends and loved ones often react with panic, while professionals may quickly move into assessment and crisis management.

While safety is essential, fear-based responses can unintentionally shut down the very conversations people most need to have. When suicidal thoughts are treated only as emergencies or warning signs, individuals may learn that honesty leads to consequences rather than care. As a result, many people hide these thoughts, even as they continue to suffer internally.

This silence can be deeply isolating. Instead of feeling supported, individuals may feel reduced to a problem that needs to be fixed or controlled. Over time, this can reinforce the belief that their pain is unacceptable or too much for others to hear. GoodTherapy’s guide on talking and writing about suicide offers helpful language for approaching the subject with care.

Key insight: Safety matters, but people are often more willing to talk honestly about suicidal thoughts when their pain is met with steadiness instead of panic.

A Different Lens: Suicidal Thoughts as Communication

Many people who experience suicidal thoughts are not expressing a true desire to die. Rather, they are expressing a desire for their pain to end. This distinction matters.

Suicidal thoughts can serve as a form of communication when other ways of expressing distress feel unavailable or unsafe. They may emerge when someone feels trapped, overwhelmed, exhausted, or disconnected from meaning and connection. In this sense, suicidal thoughts are not evidence of weakness or failure but signs that something in a person’s internal or external world is asking for attention.

Seen through this lens, the question shifts from “How do we make these thoughts stop?” to “What are these thoughts trying to tell us?” This reframing does not minimize risk. It makes room for both suicide prevention and a more humane understanding of pain.

PainA desire for pain to stop+

Suicidal thoughts may point to emotional pain that has exceeded a person’s current capacity to carry it alone.

LossA grief that has not been witnessed+

When grief is minimized, delayed, or unsupported, suicidal thoughts can become one way the mind signals that something important still needs care.

TraumaA nervous system stuck in survival+

Trauma can leave the body scanning for danger and the mind searching for escape, even long after the original harm has passed.

SupportA need for agency, connection, and safety+

The presence of suicidal thoughts can be a signal that support needs to become more immediate, collaborative, and compassionate.

A meaning-focused question can sound like

What feels impossible to keep carrying? What has gone unheard for too long? What kind of support would make the next hour safer? What would make life feel one small degree more livable?

The Role of Trauma, Loss, and Chronic Emotional Pain

For many individuals, suicidal thoughts are closely tied to unresolved trauma or loss. Trauma can disrupt a person’s sense of safety, identity, and trust in others. Loss, whether sudden or prolonged, can leave emotional wounds that do not heal easily, especially when grief is minimized or unsupported.

Chronic emotional pain may develop when someone has spent years feeling unseen, unheard, or required to carry more than they are equipped to manage. Over time, this accumulation of pain can overwhelm the nervous system. The body and mind may enter a state of exhaustion, where continuing to endure feels impossible.

In these moments, suicidal thoughts may arise as an imagined escape from relentless suffering. This does not mean the person truly wants life to end. Often, it means they cannot see another way forward. The CDC’s suicide risk and protective factors note that relationship, community, health, and life circumstances can all shape risk and protection.

GoodTherapy’s article on how complex trauma changes a person offers additional context for understanding why long-term pain can affect safety, trust, and identity.

When Survival Takes Precedence Over Living

Some people experiencing suicidal thoughts have spent much of their lives in survival mode. They may appear highly functional, meeting responsibilities, caring for others, and seeming capable. Internally, however, they may feel numb, disconnected, or deeply lonely.

Survival mode can keep someone alive, but it does not necessarily make them feel alive. When life becomes reduced to endurance rather than meaning, suicidal thoughts may surface as a response to this inner deadening. They can reflect a longing for rest, relief, or an end to constant striving.

Understanding this context allows for a more compassionate response, one that recognizes how much strength it has taken to survive up to this point.

A More Helpful Pathway

Unbearable pain

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Honest language

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Safety support

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Meaning and agency

The Limits of Risk-Only Approaches

Traditional approaches to suicidality understandably focus on risk assessment and prevention. These strategies save lives and are often necessary. However, when risk management becomes the sole focus, the deeper emotional story can be overlooked.

Checklists and assessments do not capture the full complexity of human suffering. They cannot fully explain why someone feels trapped, empty, or hopeless. When people sense that only certain answers are acceptable, they may disengage or minimize their experience.

This does not mean safety should be ignored. Rather, it suggests that safety and meaning must be held together. When individuals feel heard and understood, they are often more willing to engage honestly in conversations about safety and support. For loved ones, GoodTherapy’s suicide prevention guide outlines ways to respond with directness and care.

How Therapy Can Create Space for Meaning

Therapy has the potential to offer something many people experiencing suicidal thoughts have never had: a space where their pain is taken seriously rather than feared or dismissed.

In a meaning-oriented therapeutic approach, suicidal thoughts are explored gently and respectfully. Clients are invited to talk about what feels unbearable, what has been lost, and what feels impossible to change. Instead of rushing to solutions, therapy slows the process down, allowing understanding to emerge.

What therapy can explore safely

• What this pain has taken from you
• What feels unspeakable, unresolved, or unseen
• Which parts of yourself have had to be hidden or abandoned
• What would make life feel more livable, even in small ways
• Which support plan would help you stay safer while the deeper work unfolds

These conversations do not encourage harm. They honor the reality of suffering while opening pathways toward agency, connection, and hope. If you are considering therapy, GoodTherapy’s step-by-step guide on how to find the right therapist can help you think through fit, safety, and support.

Looking for support?

You can use GoodTherapy to search for a therapist who can help you talk through suicidal thoughts, trauma, grief, and emotional pain with care.

Rebuilding Trust After Difficult Therapy Experiences

Some individuals experiencing suicidal thoughts have previously sought help and felt misunderstood, dismissed, or even harmed. These experiences can make it difficult to trust therapy again. When someone has learned that vulnerability leads to invalidation or control, they may approach new therapeutic relationships with understandable caution.

Acknowledging this history matters. Therapy can be effective only when trust is built slowly and collaboratively. A respectful therapeutic process emphasizes transparency, choice, and pacing, allowing clients to remain active participants in their own care.

Over time, consistent attunement and honesty can help repair not only the relationship with therapy but also a person’s relationship with themselves.

Reclaiming Agency and Choice

One of the most important aspects of healing is the restoration of agency. Suicidal thoughts often arise when people feel powerless, trapped, or unable to influence their circumstances. Therapy can help individuals reconnect with choice, even when options feel limited.

Agency does not mean forcing positivity or making drastic changes overnight. It may begin with small acts of self-understanding, boundary setting, or self-compassion. As people begin to understand what their suicidal thoughts are communicating, they can explore new ways of responding to their needs.

This process often includes learning to recognize emotional and relational patterns, identify values and sources of meaning, develop healthier ways to ask for support, build tolerance for difficult emotions, and imagine change without overwhelming the nervous system.

When depression is part of the picture, it can be especially important to have timely support. GoodTherapy’s article on depression and suicide explains when to seek help and why warning signs should be taken seriously.

When Hope Feels Out of Reach

Hope is often misunderstood as optimism or certainty. For people experiencing suicidal thoughts, hope may feel distant or unrealistic. In therapy, hope does not need to be forced or manufactured.

Sometimes hope begins as a sense of being less alone. Sometimes it shows up as curiosity, or as a willingness to stay present for one more conversation. These small shifts matter.

Healing is rarely linear. There may be moments of progress alongside moments of discouragement. A supportive therapeutic relationship can help individuals stay connected through these fluctuations, offering steadiness rather than pressure.

A Compassionate Closing

If you or someone you love experiences suicidal thoughts, it is important to know that these thoughts are not a personal failure. They often reflect pain that has gone on too long without adequate support. They may be signaling unmet needs, unresolved grief, or a longing for change that feels out of reach.

Understanding what suicidal thoughts may be trying to tell us does not replace the importance of safety. It deepens it. When people feel understood rather than judged, they are more likely to reach out, stay engaged, and explore new ways of living.

Therapy can be a place where these conversations are held with care, respect, and honesty. When meaning and compassion are allowed alongside safety, the possibility of genuine and lasting change becomes more accessible.

If you are struggling or feeling unsafe, reaching out for support can be an important step. Speaking with a trusted person, a mental health professional, or a local crisis resource can help you navigate this moment with care and support. The NIMH 5 action steps can also help loved ones respond when someone is in emotional pain.

Frequently Asked Questions

Direct answers about suicidal thoughts, therapy, trauma, grief, and immediate support.

Q: Are suicidal thoughts always a wish to die? +

A: Not always. For many people, suicidal thoughts can express a wish for unbearable pain to stop. Even when the thoughts are communicating distress rather than intent, they should be taken seriously and paired with safety support.

Q: Can therapy help with suicidal thoughts? +

A: Therapy can help people explore suicidal thoughts with safety, care, and meaning. A therapist may support crisis planning, help identify trauma or loss beneath the pain, and work with the client to rebuild agency and connection.

Q: What should I do if someone tells me they are having suicidal thoughts? +

A: Listen calmly, take the disclosure seriously, ask directly about immediate safety, and do not leave the person alone if they may act on the thoughts. In the United States, call or text 988 for crisis support.

Q: Why might suicidal thoughts show up during trauma or grief? +

A: Trauma and grief can overwhelm a person’s sense of safety, identity, and connection. Suicidal thoughts may appear when emotional pain feels unbearable or when the mind cannot yet see another way to get relief.

Q: Is it safe to talk honestly with a therapist about suicidal thoughts? +

A: Yes. A compassionate therapist can help you talk about suicidal thoughts directly while also paying attention to immediate safety, support, and the deeper pain behind the thoughts.

Q: When should suicidal thoughts be treated as an emergency? +

A: Suicidal thoughts should be treated as an emergency if someone may act on them, has a plan or access to means, cannot commit to staying safe, or feels unable to get through the next moments safely. In the United States, call or text 988 or use emergency services.

Take the Next Step

You do not have to make sense of suicidal thoughts alone. Compassionate support can help hold both immediate safety and the deeper meaning beneath the pain.

Find a Therapist Near You >

About the Author Kristin Robert Associate Marriage and Family Therapist Kristin Robert is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist in Westlake Village, California. Her work centers on helping individuals and couples navigate intimacy, loss, betrayal trauma, grief, anxiety, relationship patterns, and major life transitions. Her GoodTherapy profile lists her work with teens, adults, and elders, and concerns including grief and loss, anxiety, depression, trauma, relationship pain, life transitions, and suicidal ideation and behavior. Her approach emphasizes compassion, honesty, meaning-making, and support for people navigating painful or uncertain seasons. View Profile >

I used to think that closure and healing were the same. I was wrong. Finding closure is not an easy thing to come by. Most of the time, finding closure is harder to attain than healing. You can heal and move forward without ever receiving closure from another person.

Finding closure does not come from an outside source. It comes from realizing what took place, leaving it there, and choosing not to carry it with you.

What Finding Closure Really Means

Finding closure is not synonymous with healing, and it is not something another person can hand to you. Whether you are processing the end of a relationship, a loss, or a painful experience, the search for closure after a breakup or any significant chapter can feel elusive and out of reach.

Closure does not come from an outside source. It comes from realizing what took place, leaving it there, and choosing not to carry it with you. That is not an easy thing to do. But it is possible.

Forgiveness, Healing, and Finding Closure

Forgiveness is a change of heart. Healing is an internal recovery. And closure is the ability to move on. Sometimes you can forgive, but that does not mean forgetting is always an option. It just means that you choose not to become bitter.

Healing is what happens when forgiveness takes place. But closure takes time. If you choose not to forgive, it breeds resentment and vitriol, which leads to bitterness. Letting go of that resentment and learning how to forgive is a significant step toward healing. Research from the American Psychological Association confirms that practicing forgiveness is linked to lower anxiety, less depression, and greater emotional well-being.

Is Closure Really a Myth?

Sometimes people wait for the clouds to part and the light to shine on them, for everything to become butterflies and rainbows, before they allow themselves to feel closure. But closure is simply the ability to move past what was and to begin living again. It does not require a perfect ending.

I came across a quote that challenged me deeply:

This was hard to fully agree with at first. I felt like it was saying that words did not matter, like “sticks and stones.” But what this quote is really saying is that you get the closure from witnessing their actions, their true self. And when you realize that, finding closure becomes less about what they say and more about what you choose to see.

Turning the Page: Finding Closure as a Choice

Realizing that has given me the understanding that finding closure is the choice to stop perseverating on the past, coupled with the choice to move forward. Just like reading a book: each chapter has a different issue, a different problem, a different dynamic. And once that chapter is over, the reader must turn the page.

It is the ending of a chapter, not the end of the story. Your life is the book. What was is the past. And what will be is yet to be read.

What Finding Closure Gives You

I can say that I have forgiven it. I can say that I have healed. And now, I can say that I have closure.

Does this mean I will forget it? No. Does this mean there is no scar? No. Does this mean that because the chapter is over it never happened? No.

It means that because I will remember, because I have scars, and because I experienced that chapter, I have more wisdom moving forward. Working on forgiving to help yourself heal is not about erasing what happened. It is about choosing what you carry forward. The American Psychological Association notes that processing grief and loss is an active journey, one that requires making meaning of what happened rather than simply waiting for the pain to pass.

I now have the ability to not see the world through a tainted, broken, distorted lens of pain, sadness, and grief. It means I can move forward and embark on a new chapter, looking forward to what comes next, instead of dreading it.

Closure to me is not just the ability to move on.

Closure is finding peace.

Josiah Dicken MA, LPCC View Profile →

About the Author Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Wayfinder Counseling & Coaching, LLC · Colorado Springs, CO Josiah Dicken, MA, LPCC, is a licensed professional clinical counselor and founder of Wayfinder Counseling & Coaching, LLC in Colorado Springs, Colorado. He specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families navigate life’s challenges using a personalized, evidence-based approach. Josiah is known for creating a safe, non-judgmental space where clients feel heard, validated, and empowered to heal, grow, and move forward.

Those of you who know me personally are aware that my son Nikolai passed away in November. Our family has been navigating this unimaginable loss, and while everyone’s grief is unique, I wanted to share a few tips for those who may want to support someone going through it. One thing that has been instrumental in helping us cope is the overwhelming love and support from our community. If you’re wondering how to be there for a friend or family member, below are a few things that have truly made a difference.

Tips That Have Helped Me

Offer Practical Help: Please don’t ask me what I need, especially in the early months of grief. Often, I don’t even know what I need. Offering practical support can be a game-changer. Our community set up a meal train, if you don’t know what this is, look it up, because it saved our family tremendously! Friends brought over groceries; some asked what we needed, while others simply brought staples. Offering to help with things like carpooling kids can also be incredibly helpful. Sometimes small gestures make a big difference, and every act of kindness is so appreciated.

When in Doubt Reach Out: There are times when I need solitude to process my feelings, but that doesn’t mean I want to be forgotten. I don’t want to be left alone entirely, I truly don’t. If you’re unsure how to show support, a simple text is more than enough. If I’m not in a place to respond, please don’t take it personally. We could go for a walk or just sit and talk. Even if I don’t take you up on it right away, knowing you’re there means the world.

Avoid Clichés: Phrases like “They’re in a better place” or “Time heals all wounds” can unintentionally minimize the pain. Acknowledging my grief without trying to fix it allows me to feel seen and understood.

Celebrate the Memories: Say his name. Tell me any memories you have. I want to know that he is still remembered. Celebrating their life rather than focusing only on their absence can be a great comfort.

Avoid Comparisons: Please don’t compare your pain to mine, and please don’t say you understand—because, truthfully, you can’t. Everyone’s grief is deeply personal, and while your intentions may be kind, comparisons can unintentionally diminish what I’m experiencing.

Listen Without Judgment: There are days when I need to talk, vent, or even express emotions I can’t fully understand. Having someone who listens without offering solutions or judgments is invaluable. Just letting me feel heard is incredibly healing.
To those who have been walking with me through this journey, thank you. Your support means the world. If you’re supporting someone through grief, know that even the smallest gesture can have a lasting impact.

Ambiguous vs. Unambiguous Loss

When I looked into my loved one’s eyes during one of her first manic episodes, I did not recognize the eyes staring back at me.  Equally heartbreakingly, I felt that she did not recognize me. And so it began: a cycle of highs and extreme lows, agitation and depression, characteristic of bipolar disorder. While bipolar disorder affects each person differently, in her case, the depression has often lasted longer than the manic state, sometimes lasting years. During these polarized periods, one of the hardest parts was the feeling that “she” was lost to me – she whose counsel I trusted and valued so much, and she to whom I could be my most honest and vulnerable self. The person who replaced her in these periods was either highly agitated and manic, or depressed and despondent – unable to provide the type of support or nurturance I might be craving.  In those periods, though she was still there in her body, I could not expect much from her – it was all she could do to keep her own spirit alive or stable and had little to give anyone else. And though I understood this on an intellectual level, it was hard to escape the mixed feelings of sadness, helplessness, disappointment, and frustration.

It wasn’t until years later that I was finally able to put a name to this feeling: ambiguous loss, a term coined by the social scientist Dr. Pauline Boss in the 1970s. Ambiguous loss refers to losses that do not have the type of clarity and finality that an unambiguous loss like death has. Ambiguous loss lacks closure and results in grief that is unresolved and confusing.  According to Boss, there are two main types of ambiguous loss. The first is physical absence with psychological presence. This may include a missing person due to abduction, war, or natural disaster. The second type is physical presence with psychological absence. This may include losing someone to Alzheimer’s disease, dementia, addiction, or severe mental illness. Something like divorce can also result in ambiguous loss, where the family unit that once was is no longer.

Frozen grief: “leaving without goodbye” and “goodbye without leaving”

A loss of any kind can be hard, but Boss contends that ambiguous loss can be particularly challenging because of its lack of closure and resolution. For example, in the case of a missing person, those left behind may feel like they must make the excruciating choice of either living in a state of perpetual uncertainty but holding onto hope, or deciding to inject some resolution by mourning and attempting to move on. Everyone will respond differently to such ambiguous loss and everyone must find a way to cope in a way that makes sense for them. Regardless, the overarching uncertainty of the situation often leads to prolonged grief and feelings of anxiety and helplessness.  Boss calls this “frozen grief” and highlights the pain behind “leaving without goodbye” (as in the case of missing persons) and “goodbye without leaving” (as in the case of losing someone to a condition like dementia).

How to cope: revising expectations and adjusting to a new reality

So how can we cope with ambiguous loss? Boss recommends naming the ambiguous loss and labeling the situation as such as a first step in acknowledging and validating the experience and the associated host of feelings.  She also encourages people to find ways to live with the uncertainty and the changes brought on by the loss by revising your own expectations to reflect the new reality (as opposed to being in denial).  For example, the wife of a formerly active husband who has been diagnosed with Alzeheimer’s disease may now have to revise her expectations that they will continue to live the active lifestyle they had grown accustomed to, filled with outdoor activities and travels.  She may have to learn to revise her expectations that though they may be able to enjoy some quiet moments together she would have to fulfill her needs for the outdoors and social engagement in a new way – by perhaps dedicating a day in the week where she can take part in such activities while her husband is in the care of someone else.

As she grows into the new reality, she can hopefully find moments of joy and hope in this new phase of her life.  This may take time and grieving of what once was – and that is absolutely to be expected.  The key will be to learn to not only accept the uncertainty but also be able to take empowered action so that her focus shifts away from the uncertain aspects in her life (for example the progression of the disease) to aspects that are within her control (for example how she chooses to take care of herself or the support system she creates for herself).  The support system she builds may include support groups of people going through similar experiences, friends, family, and/or a therapist, who can help her work through the range of emotions she is likely to experience.  In my practice, I work with grief – ambiguous and unambiguous – as it impacts not only individuals but also in couples and families.

Any loss, ambiguous or unambiguous, can be traumatic. As the preeminent trauma researcher and psychologist Peter Levine has said: trauma is not what happens to us but what happens inside of us in the absence of an empathetic witness – and a support system can serve as that empathetic witness.

The first Christmas after my son died, I couldn’t put up decorations. Christmas was a challenge to be endured rather than an anticipated event.  We, as a family, talked and shared memories about Andrew. We honored the traditions; opening presents, chattering to each other. We ate a lot. We talk about that Christmas as “we got through it.” 

The second Holiday season was harder and easier. I had a template of how to do it. At the same time, I realized Christmas would always tinged with loss. I grieved the loss of our family; the sense of everyone being together for Christmas.  We again chose to spend Christmas away from home. Christmas became smaller and less important. That worked for us.  

 The next couple Christmas’s (we’re at 5 this year) became a pattern.  I am now able to put up some decorations in the house. The tree, with handmade ornaments, has stayed impossible. I now say, when there are children, I’ll consider having Christmas at home.  

 There has been some pushback. Relatives saying out loud they want to see us at Christmas. We have invited them to ours up north. That hasn’t worked as a solution. Someone asked when this different Christmas “would be over” as if my grief, and my families loss would end. Hurtful but… 

 I think those comments come from seeing us grieving and wanting us to feel better. To me, it’s flawed thinking. I do feel better. Christmas remains difficult. Full of memories and longings for my son Andrew to be here again. He was such a big funny happy person. He loved Christmas. What helps me is to know he is in our hearts and watching out for us still. But this comfort doesn’t much touch the reality of the season.. he isn’t here, creating new memories.  

 People have different experiences with the loss of a child. Different ways of grieving, different stages. I don’t believe my grief will end. Which goes against some mental health perspectives.  

 What has worked for me is to accept my suffering. Accept that I will always grieve. This acceptance made life better; I am able to be happy. I am able to look forward to the legacy of my son. He was a happy person. He would want me, all of his family to be happy. To seek happiness. To laugh more. 

 I have accepted Christmas in a new form. Periods of happy times;  watching the gift opening and the music, the games, the food. Times with some real pain going on inside.  

 So here’s the advice I offer to you, the grieving person. Honor yourself. Honor your feelings. The people who love you are not you. They often struggle between fear of their own losses, sadness at watching you, and impatience or even resentment at the way you have changed. Let them have their feelings. Challenge your feelings of shame, the thought that you need to put on a happy face, to make it easier for them.  

Loss is a messy business. Full of feelings. It’s also a part of life.  Every Christmas, rooted in family traditions, should be different. I challenge the expectation we should just “go on” as if nothing happened. Something big happened. Loss should change us. Not overwhelm us. At least not always overwhelm us.   

The first year I cried in front of strangers, neighbors, in stores, and out on a walk. I overshared. I worked, I compartmentalized, I numbed out. I wrote in a journal. I meditated. I exercised. It all helped a little bit. There were hours where I felt significantly better. They didn’t last. My grief and loss comes in waves. The waves are less intense now. Happiness, joy, my sense of humor, my signature curiosity have come back. That said, I’m not the same.  

Since my son’s death, I have learned the cliche, that life can change in an instant is deeply true. I have done more, gone more places, challenged my fears, laughed at myself, lost friends, gained friends, and more openly loved the people I love.  

Creating a legacy to my son has helped me meet many people, expand my definitions of loss, gain positive perspectives, and practice gratitude. All are helpful in this new landscape. I’ve also felt jealousy at others easy talk about their children, been angry at the universe, and felt misunderstood and alone.  

My parents passed away before my son. I miss them. I talk about them. I talk to them sometimes!  For me, the loss of a child is like being in an entirely different country. Different language, different landscapes. I’ll share two parts which I don’t see enough about in the world.  

When I became a parent, my wiring changed. I felt a biological imperative to keep my children alive at all costs; even at the cost of my own life. I failed to keep my son alive. Those are the facts to me. I comfort myself knowing I tried every way I could. But denying the failure, denying the imperative just didn’t work. What worked was accepting I failed. From failure came forgiveness. I continue to work on forgiving myself for that failure.  

We have to work with regret in loss. We all made mistakes. We continue to do so. “What if” is not a helpful phrase. What if I did this or that? The truth is you will never know if that would have worked or helped. Try not to beat yourself up with what if… Even if “it” worked or helped someone else.  

Lastly, I offer comfort. Know as you stand with your family this Holiday season following your traditions, you are not alone. There are many people with you. Give yourself credit for showing up, for accepting this holiday is different, for bearing joy and sadness in the same body. Know every house has losses. Honor those who are not here with a toast, a memory, a joke.  As Andrew would say, “Come on! Let’s go open presents!” 

The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, warmth, and togetherness. It’s a period when families and friends come together, and phrases like “peace on earth” echo in carols, cards, and decorations. But for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, the holidays can feel overwhelmingly heavy, a stark reminder of absence amidst celebrations of connection. 

In this blog, we’ll explore the concept of peace, particularly during the holiday season, and how it relates to loss and grief. We’ll provide practical tools, share evidence-based therapeutic approaches, and highlight resources to help individuals find solace and hope during difficult times. 

Understanding Peace in the Context of the Holidays 

What is peace?  

At its core, peace is a state of calm and tranquility, an absence of disturbance. During the holidays, this idea is amplified, taking on spiritual and emotional dimensions. Peace on Earth. The season’s messages of unity, forgiveness, and hope resonate deeply, but for those who are grieving, these ideals may feel out of reach. 

Renowned psychologist Carl Rogers described peace as “not the absence of conflict but the ability to cope with it.” This perspective reminds us that peace is not about erasing pain but finding a way to coexist with it, even during challenging times. 

The holidays can be a powerful opportunity to rediscover your own definition of peace and take meaningful steps toward balance and acceptance, even in the midst of grief. 

Understanding Loss and Grief 

Defining Loss 

Loss is a universal experience that affects every individual at some point in life, yet it manifests in deeply personal ways. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), loss refers to the experience of being deprived of something significant, whether it’s a person, relationship, object, or sense of identity. Loss is often accompanied by grief, the emotional response to the absence or change. 

While the death of a loved one is one of the most profound forms of loss, other types of loss can be equally life-altering. These include: 

• Divorce or Breakup 

The end of a romantic relationship can feel like losing part of your identity and future dreams. Research shows that the emotional toll of divorce is often comparable to the grief experienced after the death of a loved one, as it involves mourning both the loss of the relationship and the life envisioned with that person. 

• The End of a Significant Life Phase 

Transitions such as retirement, children leaving home, or even moving to a new city can evoke feelings of loss. These milestones often signify the end of a familiar routine or a sense of purpose, creating a void that can be challenging to fill. 

• Losing a Job or Home 

Economic or career-related losses can deeply impact self-worth and stability. Losing a job may lead to financial insecurity, while losing a home can disrupt the sense of safety and belonging. These types of loss are compounded by the stress of rebuilding what has been lost. 

• Changes in Health or Ability 

A diagnosis of chronic illness or injury that limits physical or mental abilities can fundamentally alter a person’s lifestyle and self-perception. This form of loss is often accompanied by feelings of helplessness, frustration, and a need to adapt to new realities. 

Each type of loss may trigger grief in unique ways, but all involve adjusting to a new normal and learning to navigate life in the absence of what once was. Recognizing the varied forms of loss helps validate the experiences of those grieving, regardless of the circumstances surrounding their pain. 

Defining Grief 

Grief is the natural emotional response to loss. It encompasses a wide range of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, and even moments of joy as memories resurface. 

According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), grief is not a disorder but a normal part of the human experience. However, when grief becomes prolonged or debilitating, it may evolve into complicated grief or depression, requiring professional intervention. 

The Impact of Losing a Loved One During the Holidays 

The death of a loved one leaves an indelible mark on our lives. Holidays, with their emphasis on traditions, family, and togetherness, can amplify this loss, making the absence feel even more profound. 

Statistics on Grief and the Holidays 

• The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that grief can exacerbate mental health challenges, including anxiety, depression, and sleep disturbances. 

• Research by the National Alliance for Grieving Children reveals that grief during the holidays increases feelings of isolation by 55%. 

For those experiencing grief, understanding that these feelings are valid and shared by many can be the first step toward finding peace. 

The Role of Therapy in Finding Peace

Therapy is a cornerstone of support for those navigating grief. It provides a safe, nonjudgmental space to process emotions, develop coping strategies, and explore pathways to healing. 

Evidence-Based Therapeutic Interventions for Grief 

Grief, while deeply personal, can benefit greatly from structured, evidence-based therapeutic approaches. These interventions provide tools and frameworks to help individuals navigate the complex emotions of loss, rebuild a sense of purpose, and find a path toward healing. Below are detailed explanations of effective grief therapies: 

1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a widely used and well-researched approach for managing grief. 

• How It Works: CBT helps individuals identify and challenge negative thought patterns that may exacerbate feelings of guilt, sadness, or hopelessness. Therapists work collaboratively with clients to replace these thoughts with more constructive and balanced perspectives. 

• Example Application: A person struggling with survivor’s guilt after the loss of a loved one might believe, “It’s my fault they’re gone, and I don’t deserve happiness.” Through CBT, the therapist helps the individual recognize these thoughts as distortions and reframe them into healthier beliefs, such as, “Their death wasn’t my fault, and I can honor their memory by living fully.” 

• Evidence: Studies show that CBT is effective in reducing symptoms of depression and anxiety associated with grief, particularly when loss leads to self-blame or rumination. Learn more about CBT and grief. 

2. Complicated Grief Therapy (CGT)

Complicated Grief Therapy is a specialized intervention designed for individuals experiencing prolonged or unresolved grief, often referred to as “complicated grief.” 

• How It Works: CGT integrates elements of CBT and interpersonal therapy, focusing on helping clients process their loss, manage emotions, and gradually reengage with life. 

• Unique Features: Sessions often include revisiting memories of the deceased, exploring feelings of ambivalence, and developing strategies for rebuilding a sense of purpose. 

• Example Application: Someone unable to clear their loved one’s room years after their passing might work with a CGT therapist to confront and process their avoidance behaviors, enabling them to honor their loved one while moving forward. 

• Evidence: Research indicates that CGT significantly reduces symptoms of complicated grief and improves overall functioning, with lasting effects beyond treatment. Read more about CGT. 

3. Narrative Therapy

Narrative therapy emphasizes the healing power of storytelling and helps individuals redefine their relationship with the deceased. 

• How It Works: This approach encourages individuals to explore their memories, both painful and joyful, and weave them into a cohesive narrative that honors the deceased while allowing for personal growth. 

• Example Application: A person mourning the loss of a parent might work on reframing their story from “I’m lost without them” to “Their love and lessons will always guide me as I create a life they would be proud of.” 

• Why It Matters: By reshaping the narrative of the loss, individuals can find meaning and integrate the experience into their lives in a way that promotes resilience. Explore the benefits of narrative therapy. 

4. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy helps individuals embrace their grief as part of the human experience while focusing on living a values-driven life. 

• How It Works: ACT emphasizes mindfulness to stay present with grief without letting it overwhelm, and commitment to actions aligned with personal values to maintain a sense of purpose. 

• Example Application: A grieving spouse might use ACT techniques to accept waves of sadness while committing to nurturing relationships with their children or pursuing a meaningful hobby in their partner’s memory. 

• Evidence: Studies support ACT’s effectiveness in helping individuals manage grief and improve emotional well-being by fostering acceptance and reducing avoidance behaviors. 

5. Art and Expressive Therapies

Creative therapies offer nonverbal pathways to process complex emotions and foster healing. 

• How It Works: Through journaling, painting, music, or dance, individuals express their grief in symbolic ways, which can be particularly helpful for those who struggle to articulate emotions verbally. 

• Example Application: A grieving sibling might create a painting to represent their shared memories, helping them process feelings of loss and connection. 

• Evidence: Research highlights the benefits of art therapy in reducing symptoms of depression and anxiety related to grief, particularly for children and adolescents. Discover the role of art therapy in grief. 

6. Group Therapy and Support Groups

The power of shared experiences can be profoundly healing for those coping with loss. 

• How It Works: Group therapy provides a safe space for individuals to share their grief stories, receive support, and learn from others’ coping strategies. 

• Unique Benefits: Participants often report feeling less isolated and more understood, as they connect with others facing similar challenges. 

• Example Application: A bereavement group might include members who’ve lost loved ones to different causes, allowing for diverse perspectives and mutual support. 

• Evidence: Numerous studies validate the effectiveness of group therapy in reducing feelings of isolation and fostering a sense of community among grievers. Read about group therapy and its benefits. 

Additional Resources for Grief Support 

• Online Platforms: Websites like GriefShare and Modern Loss offer articles, forums, and virtual support groups. 

• At Phases Virginia, our licensed therapists integrate these evidence-based approaches to tailor grief support for each individual’s unique needs. 

• Books: Titles like “The Grief Recovery Handbook” by John W. James and Russell Friedman provide practical tools for navigating loss. 

By exploring these evidence-based therapeutic approaches and resources, individuals can find effective strategies for processing grief and moving toward peace. Therapy, whether one-on-one or in a group setting, provides a structured and compassionate environment to heal and rebuild life after loss. 

Practical Steps for Finding Peace During the Holidays 

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings

Grief is complex, and there’s no right or wrong way to feel. Allow yourself to experience your emotions without judgment. 

2. Create New Traditions

If old traditions feel too painful, consider creating new ones that honor your loved one’s memory. This could include lighting a candle, making a donation in their name, or setting aside a moment of silence. 

3. Prioritize Self-Care

Grief takes a physical and emotional toll. Make time for rest, nourishing meals, and activities that bring you comfort. 

Learn More about Grief 

4. Seek Professional Help

A therapist can provide tools and strategies to help you process your grief and find a sense of peace. Visit phasesvirginia.com to schedule an appointment. 

5. Connect with Community Resources

Grief can feel isolating, but community resources offer critical support and connection during the healing process. These organizations provide spaces for shared understanding, practical tools, and professional guidance to help individuals navigate the complexities of loss. Here’s a closer look at some notable resources: 

GriefShare 

GriefShare is a nationwide network of support groups designed for individuals who have experienced the loss of a loved one. 

• How It Works: GriefShare groups meet weekly and are led by trained facilitators. Each session includes video seminars from experts, group discussions, and personal reflection exercises. 

• Unique Features: Participants benefit from a faith-based approach, but the groups welcome individuals of all beliefs. The program’s structured format allows participants to process their grief in a step-by-step manner. 

• How to Join: Visit GriefShare’s website to locate a support group near you or participate in online sessions. 

The Dougy Center 

The Dougy Center specializes in supporting grieving children, teens, young adults, and their families. 

• Mission: To provide a safe space for young people to express their emotions, share their experiences, and learn healthy coping strategies. 

• Resources Offered: 

• In-person and virtual peer support groups facilitated by professionals trained in childhood grief. 

• Educational resources for caregivers, educators, and mental health professionals to understand and support grieving youth. 

• Why It’s Important: Childhood grief can manifest differently from adult grief, often appearing as changes in behavior, academic performance, or emotional regulation. The Dougy Center’s tailored approach addresses these unique needs. 

• Learn More: Access resources and find support at The Dougy Center’s website. 

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (Now 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) 

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline provides immediate support to those feeling overwhelmed by grief or experiencing suicidal thoughts. 

• Purpose: To offer free, confidential, 24/7 assistance from trained crisis counselors. 

• When to Call: This resource is invaluable for individuals who: 

• Feel their grief is unbearable. 

• Are experiencing thoughts of self-harm or suicide. 

• Need immediate emotional support or guidance. 

• Additional Services: 

• Counselors can connect callers to local mental health resources, including grief-specific therapy and support groups. 

• Online chat services are available for those who prefer digital communication over phone calls. 

• Contact Information: Dial 988 or visit the 988 Lifeline website for more information. 

Other Community and Online Resources 

• Local Faith-Based Organizations: Many churches, synagogues, and mosques offer grief support groups and pastoral counseling. These programs often integrate spiritual guidance with emotional support. 

• Hospice Bereavement Services: Hospice organizations frequently provide bereavement counseling and support groups for families who have lost a loved one under their care. 

• Modern Loss: This online platform offers relatable articles, personal essays, and a supportive community for those navigating grief. Access resources at Modern Loss. 

• The Compassionate Friends: Dedicated to supporting families after the death of a child, this organization provides in-person and online support groups, as well as an annual conference. Learn more at The Compassionate Friends website. 

Why Connecting to Resources Matters 

Grief can feel overwhelming, and seeking support is not a sign of weakness—it’s a vital step toward healing. Community resources provide a space where individuals can feel understood, share their stories, and learn strategies to cope with loss. These connections remind us that, even in the darkest times, we are not alone. 

For more support and information, Phases Virginia is here to help. Visit PhasesVirginia.com to explore our services and learn how we can support you in your journey toward peace. 

Final Thoughts: A Journey Toward Peace 

Finding peace after the loss of a loved one, especially during the holidays, is a journey filled with ups and downs. However, it is a journey worth taking. By leaning on your support system, practicing self-compassion, and seeking professional guidance, you can navigate the complexities of grief and move toward a sense of balance and hope. 

At Phases Virginia, we’re here to support you every step of the way. Whether through individual therapy, group support, or community resources, we can help you find your path to peace. 

Start your journey today. Visit phasesvirginia.com to learn more. 

Expanded Citations 

1. American Psychological Association (2023). “Grief: Coping with Loss.”
   https://www.apa.org 
2. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) (2023). “Mental Health and Grief.”
   https://www.cdc.gov 
3. National Alliance for Grieving Children (2023). “The Impact of Grief on Families.”
   https://childrengrieve.org 
4. Kübler-Ross, E. (1997). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss.
   Available on Amazon 
5. Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man’s Search for Meaning.
   Available on Amazon 
6. Sandberg, S., & Grant, A. (2017). Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy.
   Available on Amazon 
7. Mayo Clinic (2023). “Grief and Loss: Symptoms and Treatment.”
   https://www.mayoclinic.org 
8. National Institutes of Health (2022). “Understanding the Grieving Process.”
   https://www.nih.gov 
9. Harvard Medical School (2023). “The Science of Grief.”
   https://www.health.harvard.edu 

 

The holiday season is a time when there are expectations to be “together”,  “joyous” and to “celebrate.” These descriptive words can greatly differ from the pain, despair, and loneliness that accompany grief and loss.  Holiday commercials, social plans, work events, community events or our own memories of past experiences can be triggering and painful for anyone, let alone those who have been through recent, significant, or unresolved loss(es). Below are some examples of ways to cope ahead and manage grief during the holiday using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and Mindfulness-based techniques.  

Cope Ahead for the Holidays

• Create a cope ahead plan that lists anticipated triggers and specific coping skills you can apply to each. This could include grief reminders, thinking patterns or expectations, family dynamics or comments from others. Keep this cope ahead plan on an accessible piece of paper so that you can reference it as needed. 

• Engage in increased emotional buffers leading up to and during the holiday season.  Emotional buffers don’t “fix the problem” however they can help to give us more emotional resilience when we are faced with increased stress or triggers.  Examples can include various forms of self-care,  setting boundaries, accessing support, engaging in hobbies or enjoyable activities, and focusing on healthy and balanced eating, exercise routine, or sleep schedule. 

• If you have a trusted support system, communicate to them that you may have a hard time this holiday season and/or maybe ”off.” Tell them what you need or how they can support you. This can be validating and give a chance for increased support.

Allow Yourself Space to Grieve

• Structured grief journaling includes going in and out of emotional pain so that you can feel more in control of your grief experience. This can include 20 minutes of grief journaling (with topics such as what you miss about the loss, your feelings of anger or sadness, or writing directly to what you lost) followed immediately by cognitive distraction (ABC game where you pick a topic and go A-Z, or anything that will distract your mind).   

• Mindfulness can be used to stay present with your emotions and help to “ride the wave” of grief triggers. This can help avoid extremes of avoiding or rushing through emotions or feeling “pummeled” by them. Examples can be as simple as saying to yourself “I notice a grief trigger,” “I notice I feel sad” or “I notice tension in my body.”  

• Remember that painful emotions are okay, healthy, and a normal part of the grief experience. Validate your feelings and use known coping skills to manage their intensity or duration so that they don’t become too overwhelming. 

Consider Making Meaning of the Loss

• Making meaning can be any way you choose to honor or connect with what you lost. There is no right or wrong way to do this and this can be very personal and/or spiritual. Examples may include adapting holiday traditions in some way, special physical items that you keep accessible (pictures, jewelry, clothing, etc),  symbols of grief, or reflecting on what the loss has taught you in regard to values, priorities, or life lessons.  

• This can come later in the grief process after the pain has been processed. You may not be ready for this by the time of the holiday season and that is okay.  

Have Realistic Expectations and Be Gentle with Yourself During and After the Holidays:  

• Please remember: HOLIDAYS CAN BE HARD. GRIEF IS HARD. It is okay and expected to have a mix of feelings or responses. 

• Don’t pressure yourself to be happy or sad and try to keep your expectations neutral and thoughts balanced. Examples can include “I am struggling with the holidays this year, and that is okay” or “I don’t know how I feel and that is okay.”  

• Allow yourself time to rest, decompress, recharge, or take space as needed. This may be an extra day off work, having some alone time, allowing yourself space to do something special for you, or taking time to reflect, journal, or process your grief and experience over the holiday season. 

Our pets are our family, there for us when we need them, and always a part of our hearts. Saying goodbye to a beloved pet is an emotional and heart-rending experience, especially when the decision to euthanize is involved. You may find yourself overwhelmed with feelings of grief, loss, and guilt, wondering if you made the right choice. These emotions are deeply personal and reflect the profound bond you shared with your pet — an unjudging companion who brought love, comfort, and joy into your life. While this pain may feel insurmountable right now, know that there are ways to navigate through this difficult time, honor your pet’s memory, and begin the healing process.

Prepare for the Grieving Process

Grieving the loss of a pet after euthanasia can be one of the most challenging experiences you’ll ever face. Your animal companion provided love, support, and a sense of connection, making the loss even harder to bear. When it comes time to make the decision to euthanize, it marks the end of an important relationship — often one of the most cherished relationships in your life. It’s essential to acknowledge that grieving this loss is natural, and it’s okay to feel deeply affected by it.

The grieving process is different for everyone. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief — denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance — are a common framework, but remember that these stages don’t always occur in a set order. You may cycle through them or experience them at different intensities. Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way and at your own pace. 

Don’t be surprised if the pain you feel after putting your pet to sleep is deeper and sharper than you initially anticipated. Losing a pet can leave a significant void, and it may take some time for you to come to terms with this profound change in your family and life.

How to Cope with Grief

Be Kind to Yourself

Healing after the loss of a pet takes time, and it’s important to be patient and kind to yourself during this process. You might feel guilt, regret, or second-guess your decision, but remember that you made the choice with your pet’s best interests in mind. All things are impermanent, and it is this that contributes to the special bond you and your pet had. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that come up, and don’t rush the healing process. Take time to honor your pet’s memory in ways that feel meaningful to you, and remind yourself that your grief is valid.

Seek Out Social Support 

The importance of social support during grief over the loss of a pet cannot be overstated. When we lose a close relative in death, the world tends to help us move through the grieving process. Family and friends may draw closer together for some time, we take time off from work, and people generally offer their support. The loss of a pet, however, is often met with much less sympathy or support. For example, a survey conducted by Quackenbush and Glickman revealed that 45% of pet owners who had lost a pet missed one to three days of work, even though most employers do not consider the loss of a pet to be grounds for bereavement leave.

While our immediate family members and veterinarians are likely able to relate to the pain we feel and offer needed support, some expect us to just “get on with it.” The world around us doesn’t always seem to understand that our pet was not “just a dog” or “just a cat” and that we cannot “just get a new one.” For these reasons, it’s even more important to seek the support of those who understand what you’re experiencing. Social support — whether from family, friends, or pet loss grief support groups — can make a massive difference in the grieving process. 

Understanding the Impact of Pet Loss

The loss or death of a pet, and the surrounding traumatic events, can greatly disrupt your daily life and unbalance other existing relationships you have (such as with a spouse, children, parents, or colleagues).

It’s important not to push our friends and family members away, especially during this stressful time. It may be helpful to open up to them and share our feelings. After all, who better to remind us of the wonderful times we shared together with our beloved pets?

Seeking Professional Help

If you find it difficult to talk about your grief with others or if your feelings become overwhelming, seeking professional help from a therapist may be the best option. A therapist can offer guidance, help you process your emotions, and provide tools to navigate this challenging time. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional if you need additional support.

Anticipate a Change in Routine and Stay Busy with Meaningful Activities

Grieving the loss of a pet after euthanasia often involves adjusting to a new daily routine. Your pet was a significant part of your life, and their absence can create a profound emptiness. Engaging in meaningful activities can help you cope with your grief and start to heal.

Activities to Help Cope with Grief from Putting Pet to Sleep:

• Volunteer at a local animal shelter: Giving back to animals in need can be a healing way to honor your pet’s memory and fill the void left by their absence.
• Memorialize your pet: Consider making a donation to a local shelter or rescue in your pet’s name. You can ask friends and family to contribute, which can also serve as an opportunity to share memories of your pet.
• Learn about therapeutic approaches to grief: Reach out to a therapist to explore different methods for coping with your loss, such as journaling, meditation, or group therapy.
• Write a letter to your pet: If you’re struggling with guilt, write a letter to your pet explaining your decision to euthanize. This can be a powerful way to process your feelings and find closure.

What You Can Do for a Grieving Loved One

When someone close to you is grieving the loss of a pet, your support can be incredibly valuable and life-changing. Here’s how you can help:

Offer a Listening Ear 

One of the most meaningful things you can do is simply be there to listen. Grief can be isolating, and having someone to talk to can make a world of difference. Let them share their feelings and memories without judgment or the pressure to move on.

Provide Practical Support 

Grief can make even everyday tasks feel overwhelming. Offering practical support can help relieve some of the burden and allow your loved one to focus on their emotional healing. Here are some ways to offer your assistance: 

• Run errands for them
• Prepare meals
• Help with household chores
• Offer to take care of any remaining pet-related tasks, like cleaning up or donating unused supplies

Provide Social Support

Inviting your loved one to social activities can offer a welcome distraction and some emotional relief. However, it’s important to be understanding if they prefer to stay home or need more time alone. Respect their boundaries while letting them know you’re there when they’re ready.

Respect Their Grieving Process 

Everyone grieves differently, and it’s essential to respect your loved one’s unique way of mourning. Avoid offering unsolicited advice or telling them how they should feel. Instead, offer support in a way that honors their individual process.

Feeling Alone in Your Grief? Find Support Today

The loss of a pet cuts deep, but in your grief, remember that the love and bond you shared will always be a part of you. Losing a pet may be one of life’s most difficult experiences, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Whether it’s finding comfort in memories, leaning on loved ones, or seeking professional support, help is available. Your pet brought you unconditional love, and now, in their memory, it’s time to extend that same compassion to yourself. Reach out for support when you need it, and allow yourself to heal at your own pace.

Find Help Today

References:

1. Clements, P. T., Benasutti, K. M., & Carmone, A. (2003). Support for bereaved owners of pets. Perspectives in Psychiatric Care, 39(2), 49-54. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/200756802?accountid=1229
2. Jaroleman, J. (1998). A comparison of the reaction of children and adults: Focusing on pet loss and bereavement. Omega, 37, 133-150.
3. Quackenbush, J. E., & Glickman, L. (1984). Helping people adjust to the death of a pet. Health and Social Work 9(1), 42-48.
4. Sable, P. (1995). Pets, attachment, and well-being across the life cycle. Social Work, 40(3), 334-41. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/215272292?accountid=1229
5. Spencer, S., Decuypere, E., Aerts, S., & De Tavernier, J. (2006). History and ethics of keeping pets: Comparison with farm animals. Journal of Agricultural and Environmental Ethics, 19(1), 17-25. doi:http://dx.doi.org/10.1007/s10806-005-4379-8

How to Support a Loved One After a Miscarriage

A miscarriage is a devastating loss for a mother, their partner, and their family. In many societies, the cultural norm is for the mother to keep it to herself, or between her and her partner, and mourn privately. This can lead to feelings of isolation, depression, and loneliness for those affected by the miscarriage. Even though miscarriages are common occurrences, people can feel very alone in their pain. The cultural conversation about miscarriages is changing as more women with public platforms share their experiences. Last year, Chrissy Tiegen and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, wrote articles about their miscarriages that had a substantial effect on how we talk about this topic. 

Last month, New Zealand passed a law mandating a three-day bereavement leave for mothers who miscarry and their partners. This is an important move toward recognizing the grief and physical trauma that miscarriages can cause, and we are hopeful that more countries will adopt similar policies. But supportive policies are only one part of coming alongside those affected by miscarriage. Supportive friends and family who walk with a mother, couple, or family through miscarriage provide something that policies can’t. To better care for loved ones in this kind of difficult time, we need to understand and destigmatize miscarriage, respect the grieving process, and be flexible, taking our cues from those loved ones about what they need. 

What Is a Miscarriage?

A miscarriage is an unexpected loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks. Many miscarriages occur before the mother realizes she’s pregnant. Miscarriages are common: According to the March of Dimes, for every 100 women who know they’re pregnant, 10-15 of those pregnancies will terminate in miscarriage. There are many causes of miscarriage, and not all of them are known.

The Impact of a Miscarriage

A mother’s body may need up to a month to recover from a miscarriage. Mothers who have miscarried are more at-risk for postpartum depression with subsequent deliveries. Emotionally, the effects vary. Miscarriage is often emotionally fraught for the mother and her partner, if she has one. This is especially true if they’ve had weeks or months to bond with and prepare for the arrival of their child. Although early pregnancy loss differs from other kinds of loss, everyone involved can still experience grief. This loss can be world-changing for parents who care deeply for their little one, yet never got the chance to meet them. Parents often experience symptoms like depression, anxiety, anger, frustration, and even resentment toward others. They may fear future miscarriages, especially since it’s common to not know a definitive reason for the event. 

What You Can Do

It can be difficult for someone experiencing this kind of loss to express or understand what they need. There is no perfect thing to say, no sure-fire offer of help to make. But that doesn’t mean that your support isn’t needed or valued. Here are five ways you can come alongside a loved one facing a miscarriage. 

1. Listen.

Do not assume you know what loved ones need during this time. Even if you experienced miscarriage, remember that everyone deals with grief differently. The most important thing you can do is to listen to them. Take your cues from them. Do they want distraction? Do they need to vent? Do they want talk and weep over their loss? Be attentive when they express even the slightest need and step in to meet that need if you can.

2. Be open to talking about the miscarriage.

Make it clear you are available to talk about the loss. Miscarriage is painful on many levels. The hopes the parent had for this child, the expectant excitement around the baby’s expected arrival, the deep love growing in the hearts of parents as the fetus developed are all suddenly, heart-wrenchingly disrupted. Parents may want to talk about any and all of these things. Let your loved ones decide when and how they want to talk about their loss, but be ready to go there when they are.

3. Choose your words carefully.

It can be easy for you to forget and say something careless or unintentionally hurtful. Avoid trite platitudes, such as “At least you know you can get pregnant,” “You have an angel watching out for you now,” “You can always try again,” or “At least you already have a kid.” These statements ring hollow and give the impression that you’re trying to gloss over what has happened. Parents never forget about their lost pregnancy and can be hurt by your words, no matter how long it’s been. 

If you want to say something, stick with statements that acknowledge their pain and don’t try to fix it, such as “I’m so sorry, this is awful, I can’t imagine what you must be feeling.” “I love you and I’m here for you” is also a great thing to convey.

4. Offer to help out with physical needs. 

Grief can drain people of their energy. It’s nice to offer to help with whatever your loved ones need, but sometimes, it helps to give a specific offer for them to respond to. If you’re able, suggest some practical ways you could help them. Help with meals by sending a gift card for a delivery service or making and dropping a meal. Offer to provide childcare or pick their kids up from school. Cover a shift for them at work. Think of their circumstances and what might slip through the cracks while your loved one mourns their loss. 

5. Validate them, their experiences, and their feelings. 

Lastly, a great way to show support to anyone in your life who has had a miscarriage is to validate them, their experience, and the way they feel about it. Let them know that what they are feeling is valid and normal and that there is no timeline for when they need to “move on.” 

If you’re thinking that your friend might benefit from seeking professional help, approach it from a standpoint of normalizing seeking therapy help.

If you have experienced a miscarriage and would like to find a therapist who can help, click through to search your area. 

References

Miscarriage. (2017). Retrieved April 02, 2021, from https://www.marchofdimes.org/complications/miscarriage.aspx