In counseling, many of the ways to address anger can also be used as tools to address anxiety. Deep breathing is one such tool. Getting that full, deep breath of oxygen will indeed help both our mind and body. Sadly, we may not stop to focus on our breathing or take in enough of that good oxygen. Furthermore, in times of distress, rapid breathing is more likely and will not help the thinking process or our ability to calmly make decisions.

When I sit in session and show clients that taking that breath is a bit more than a second or two process, they seem confused. Yet nearly everyone reports feeling remarkably calmer after trying it. Personally, I like to close my eyes so I am not focused on what is around me. Imagine as you take in that full breath through your nose that you are soaking in positive energy. Hold it a second or two, and then slowly breathe it out through your mouth. This is not a race. In fact, try to expel it slowly. Slowing down your breathing will mean you are slowing down your mind and body.

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Now, in the process of this deep breathing, let’s add some guided imagery. For this, think of a calm place. I would like this to be somewhere you feel relaxed and positive. For me, it is the beach. I want you to see yourself there without having to focus on where else you may need to be or other things you may need to be doing.

Experience as many of the senses as possible. For example, sitting on the sand, I can feel it between my toes. I can feel the warmth of the sun on my arms. I can smell the cool beach air and the scent of suntan lotion, and I can hear the gentle crashing of the waves and even children playing off in the background. I can also see the beauty of the area, as I watch the birds in the distance over the water. The beach is a calming place for me, so as I take in my deep breaths, I imagine soaking in the warmth and wonder of it, even as I am in my car, home, or wherever I am practicing.

The more senses you can envision, the easier it is to remain focused in the moment. Some people choose amusement parks or other loud venues. That’s okay as long you can focus and keep to your steady breathing pattern. The goal here is to consciously and intentionally slow our minds down while adding these positive and relaxing components. When asked if you should practice this when anxiety is creeping up, I say to try and practice these tools at least a few times a day. I don’t want you to have to wait until the anxiety is noticeable. Rather, if we are practicing relaxation, we will not only be in a better position to deal with it in those moments, but hopefully even fend some of it off in the first place via a calmer, more relaxed you.

Your mind is indeed a powerful tool. We hear about sharpening it with memory exercises and such to enhance our cognitive skills, but what about teaching it to relax? We live in a fast-paced society where expectations can be massive and relaxation is not taught in school. Rather, we learn how to be better students and thus more successful human beings. You need to teach your mind and body to calm down and be okay with relaxing once in awhile.

This article is part of a series that explores the ways that specific “clusters” of depression symptoms manifest to create different experiences of depression. The previous article in this series discussed the low-ambition experience.

Self-attack is my term for thinking mean, diminishing, insulting, and shaming thoughts about oneself. People often think of this as low self-esteem, but I think self-attack better describes what is actually going on. People who experience depression often think like this, but it is also possible to engage in self-attack and not meet the full criteria to be diagnosed with depression. Whether or not your self-attack is part of depression, this is a very painful, disabling, quality-of-life-reducing, and even life-threatening way to exist.

In fact, I believe self-attack is possibly the most common type of misery and symptom of depression. So many people frequently say things to themselves—whether they even notice or not—that diminish or shame them: “I’m a failure,” “I’m stupid,” “I’m lazy” “I’m unlovable,” (which may sound like “I’m fat and ugly”, or take other forms), “I’m a terrible parent, employee, friend, spouse…,” “I can’t do anything right,” I’ll never be good enough,” “I’m not worth what I have,” and so on.

It may surprise you that people attack themselves for good reasons. Many do it because it’s how they understand love—it’s how their parents “loved” them. Others think that shame is the only thing that motivates them. Once people learn to handle themselves this way, they practice it over and over and over, and learning to do something different is very difficult.

I often ask people who are plagued by self-attack, “What if someone were following you around all day saying these things to you?” Most people would yell at them, argue with them, stop them, fight back, or at least get away from them. But when it’s their own voice, they listen and believe it—and it’s devastating.

This can change. There are ways to change this on our own, and ways that psychotherapy can help. In either case, the key is to develop an internal parent who parents us the way good parents do.

How the Parenting We Experience Affects Our Brains
This is the most important thing to know about how to become a happy, well-functioning adult. Generally, when children are parented by caretakers who understand their feelings and needs and respond to them compassionately and protectively, children learn to respond similarly to themselves. Over time, children build skills in parenting from imitating their parents. This is how we know how to take care of ourselves as adults.

We now know from neurological research that we are hard-wired through special neurons to imitate our parents. Our brains learn how to act in the world by incorporating the things that we see our caretakers do when we’re children. It’s a great system when we have parents who act in nurturing, protective, and wise ways. It doesn’t work so well when our parents are abusive, neglectful, unhappy, or dysfunctional people themselves.

We also see that our brains are able to re-wire throughout our lives, so if this doesn’t go well when we’re children, we can usually still change what goes on in our brains when we’re adults. This is what psychotherapy and EMDR do, but there are also ways to work on this outside of therapy.

We also know that when we close our eyes and imagine something, the same pattern of functioning occurs in our brains as when we look at something. So if you see your best friend, then close your eyes and imagine your best friend, your brain will be doing the same thing. This makes guided imagery very powerful. Anything we do that involves imagining being parented, or parenting ourselves in a nurturing, compassionate, protective, wise, functional way, can actually help build the brain structure we need to be the adults we would have been if we’d had better parents.

The Experience of Parenting Yourself
There are many ways to do this, but let’s take a couple moments to try out one. Think of a problem that is upsetting you right now—nothing too upsetting. Now imagine you have a niece or nephew, four to ten years old, who comes to you for help because they are struggling with a similar problem. With the most nurturing, protective, compassionate part of yourself in charge, what would you say to them? Write this down.

What would you do for them? What do you think you could give them that would help them feel a little better? Try expressing your understanding of their feelings and needs. Normalize what they’re experiencing. Show them compassion. Offer forgiveness if they need it. Offer solutions or ways to get solutions. Offer to stay with them through the process. Comfort them any way you can imagine.

Of course, this exercise is just a beginning. But once you learn to do this, and can do it with yourself, you have access to one of the most powerful tools we as human beings have to be happy and functional.

Psychotherapy
Psychotherapy can help with this process in many ways. For example, my clients usual begin to heal when I treat them with respect, am very genuinely interested in them and amazed by who they are, reflect what I see as I come to understand what they’ve had to overcome and how, and encourage them without shaming them. Being consistent and compassionate, listening carefully and responding with insight,  is what parents are supposed to do with children so that they can develop into happy adults. Many parents don’t or can’t do it well—usually because their parents couldn’t do it with them.

By being treated this way, people learn to treat themselves and others that way. They learn to expect healthy relationships where they are treated with a similar respect. It helps people express the feelings they haven’t felt safe to express and to feel more capable of coping with painful feelings. It builds self-esteem and confidence. In this environment, depression usually recedes.

Self-attack is very destructive, but can be overcome by developing a compassionate, nurturing, protective parent inside.