“As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.” — Maya Angelou 

Self-care is one of those therapy concepts that we all know about, but is easy to take for granted.  

We all recognize we could benefit for having more “me time” to prioritize our needs and well-being. Yet, it often gets disregarded until we find ourselves overwhelmed, exhausted, or in genuine distress. 

Self-care isn’t just a luxury or something to occasionally do when the time is right—it’s a necessity for maintaining mental, emotional, and physical well-being. The challenge however, lies in moving self-care from an occasional act, to a consistent practice that fits seamlessly into daily life. 

Simply put, make self-care a habit.  

Think of self-care like dental hygiene. We brush and floss daily not because we’re facing an immediate dental crisis, but as a preventative measure we’ve created a habit around.  

Similarly, self-care can be viewed as daily maintenance for our mental health—a practice that keeps us balanced, resilient, and ready to navigate life’s challenges. 

A self-care routine doesn’t have to be elaborate or time-consuming. What matters most is that it’s consistent, balanced, and adaptable to your unique needs and circumstances.  

Here’s how to create a lasting self-care routine that works for you. 

“My friend…care for your psyche…know thyself, for once we know ourselves, we may learn how to care for ourselves.” — Socrates

Understand Your Needs and Priorities

A sustainable self-care routine begins with self-awareness. Understanding what truly matters to you and identifying the areas where you feel depleted can help you create a meaningful and achievable plan. 

How to Start: 

• Identify your stressors: Make a list of situations, tasks, or relationships that regularly drain your energy. For example, you might notice that responding to work emails late at night leaves you feeling anxious. Write these down to gain clarity. 

• Create a “Needs Inventory”: Create a “needs inventory” by journaling or using a worksheet to explore your feelings. For instance, ask yourself, “When do I feel most energized?” and “What activities leave me feeling drained?” Use these insights to guide your priorities. 

• Assess your well-being: Use a wellness wheel or rate key aspects of your life (e.g., physical health, relationships, career, mental health) on a scale of 1–10. Reflect on areas that feel neglected or out of balance. 

• Set priorities: Choose one area to address first. For instance, if physical health is rated low, focus on activities like walking or meal planning. Avoid overwhelming yourself by trying to tackle everything at once. 

Therapist Tip: Journaling or completing a self-care assessment worksheet can help clarify your starting point. The clearer you are about your needs, the more focused and effective your efforts will be.

Set Realistic and Achievable Goals

“As important as it is to have a plan for doing work, it is perhaps more important to have a plan for rest, relaxation, self-care, and sleep.” ― Akiroq Brost 

Consistency is the cornerstone of building any habit, including self-care. Unrealistic expectations, however, can lead to frustration and burnout. Start small and aim for progress, not perfection. 

For instance, if you want to eat healthier, start by preparing one homemade meal per week rather than overhauling your diet all at once. Gradually increase the frequency as it becomes more of a habit. 

How to Start: 

• Break it down: Instead of vowing to exercise for an hour every day, aim for “15 minutes of movement three times a week.” Write your goals somewhere visible, like a planner or notes app, to keep them top of mind. 

• Be specific: Replace vague goals like “drink more water” with actionable steps like “drink a glass of water before each meal.” This makes it easier to track and build consistency. 

• Use SMART goals: Create goals that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. For instance, “Meditate for five minutes every morning at 7:00 AM.” 

• Pair with motivation: Connect your goals to a “why.” For example, “I want to meditate daily to reduce my anxiety and feel calmer in the mornings.” Write down your reasons and revisit them when motivation wanes. 

Therapist Tip: Celebrate every small success, no matter how minor it seems. Small wins build momentum, which in turn creates lasting habits.

Incorporate Self-Care into Your Daily Routine

The most effective self-care routines are those that integrate naturally into your day. Think of self-care as a lifestyle rather than an additional item on your to-do list. 

For instance, if you feel too busy for relaxation, begin with micro-breaks. Take 1–2 minutes between tasks to stretch, breathe deeply, or step outside for fresh air. These moments can help reset your energy and focus. 

How to Start: 

• Create habits: Use habit stacking—pairing a new habit with an existing one. For instance, practice gratitude while brushing your teeth or stretch for a few minutes after getting out of bed. This makes self-care feel effortless. 

• Schedule it: Block out time for self-care in your calendar. Treat it as an appointment you cannot miss. Start small, such as scheduling a 10-minute walk after lunch. 

• Simplify where possible: Have tools ready to make self-care accessible. For instance, keep a journal on your nightstand or download a meditation app on your phone. The easier it is to start, the more likely you are to follow through. 

• Use reminders: Set alarms or notifications to prompt self-care actions, like drinking water, taking a stretch break, or practicing deep breathing. 

Therapist Tip: Use morning and evening routines as anchors for self-care. Mornings can set a positive tone for the day, while evenings are ideal for winding down and reflecting.

Adapt and Evolve as Needed

“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” — Arthur Ashe

Life is dynamic, and your self-care routine should evolve with it. Flexibility ensures that your practices remain relevant and effective, even as your circumstances change. 

For example, if you’ve started journaling but find it repetitive or it is no longer providing nourishment, switch to another idea to reignite your interest, and that aligns better with your need. 

How to Start: 

• Listen to your body: Pay attention to signs of stress or burnout. If you’re feeling consistently drained, reflect on what might need adjusting in your routine. 

• Reassess regularly: Every month or so, take time to reflect on your self-care practices. Ask yourself: “What’s working well?” and “What feels like a chore?” Adjust accordingly. 

• Prepare for setbacks: Life happens, and routines can falter. Instead of giving up entirely after a setback, have a list of simple, go-to practices. For instance, if you miss a workout, take a short walk instead. 

• Experiment with new activities: Don’t hesitate to try something different, like journaling, creative hobbies, or even a new relaxation app. Variety can keep self-care engaging. 

Therapist Tip: Keep a “self-care toolbox” of go-to practices for different moods or energy levels. This makes it easier to adapt on challenging days.

Build a Support System

“Self-care for me is about connecting daily with the people I love in my life, and staying in touch.” — Jake Gyllenhaal 

Self-care doesn’t have to be a solo journey. Involving others can provide accountability, encouragement, and even a sense of joy in shared experiences.  

This could be as simple as a group chat or a regular video call with friends or likeminded people you trust and find supportive. 

How to Start: 

• Involve others: Share your self-care goals with friends or family. For example, invite a friend to join you for a weekly walk or ask a loved one to check in on your progress. 

• Seek professional guidance: A therapist, coach, or wellness practitioner can help tailor a plan to your specific needs and provide ongoing support. 

• Join a community: Look for local or online groups focused on self-care practices like meditation, fitness, or creative arts. Being part of a supportive network can inspire consistency. 

• Create shared routines: Combine self-care with social time. For instance, cook a healthy meal with a friend or attend a yoga class together. 

Therapist Tip: Consider enlisting an accountability partner to check in with regularly. Shared goals and encouragement can significantly enhance your commitment. 

The Power of Tiny Changes 

Borrowing from James Clear’s philosophy in Atomic Habits, focus on small, incremental changes. A 1% improvement each day may seem insignificant, but over time, it leads to remarkable results. Self-care isn’t about grand gestures; it’s about consistent, meaningful actions that add up to a healthier, happier you. 

“Self-care is really rooted in self-preservation, just like self-love is rooted in honesty. We have to start being more honest with what we need, and what we deserve, and start serving that to ourselves.” — Lizzo

Building a sustainable self-care routine is an ongoing journey of self-discovery and adaptation. By understanding your needs, setting realistic goals, and creating space for self-care in your daily life, you can establish habits that nourish your well-being for the long term.  

Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s essential. 

Start small, stay consistent, and watch how even the simplest practices can transform your quality of life. 

I have no statistical or empirical studies, just hundreds of cases I have experienced as a therapist where technology has and continues to affect relationships and the mental health of those who partake in it.  Our society is bombarded daily with ads for the latest smartphone.  Advertising depicts consumers using their cell phones for everything but calling people. In today’s generation, you have to text someone before you can have the audacity to call them without permission.  It’s almost impossible to purchase anything without having to take a picture of a QR code to get any information.  Then there is AI, Artificial Intelligence, prompting me every time I write an email, text, or letter to change what I’ve written because a robot can do a better job, and I have a Master’s Degree.  

No wonder, psychiatry.org reports in 2024, 43% of adults say they feel more anxious than they did the previous year, up from 37% in 2023 and 32% in 2022. Adults are particularly anxious about current events (70%) — especially the economy (77%), the 2024 U.S. election (73%), and gun violence (69%). (I did use technology to research these statistics).   

Relationships  

Couples that I treat complain their partner is constantly on their phone.  Go to any restaurant and you’ll see couples on a date night on their phones texting someone else besides their partner. Or scrolling through senseless videos of dogs jumping up and down. Then they go home and sit on separate ends of the couch getting ready for work the next day answering emails. What does this have to do with mental health? The couple is not communicating and the important household chores that have to get done get pushed to the side, increasing the levels of stress, loneliness, boredom, and depression.  

Instant Gratification 

In my practice, I treat betrayal trauma due to infidelity.  Treatment involves building trust back between partners.  One of my suggestions is to stay in touch more often during the day.  Take the case of William and Mary. Mary is a stay-at-home mom while William is the production manager of a local manufacturing plant. William is a busy guy, never knowing when some piece of equipment is going to go down and stop production.  But he promised Mary, he would call her periodically during the day. One day, Mary texts William because she hasn’t heard from him in the past 15 minutes.  William is having a crisis at work and can’t stop and text or call every 15 minutes. But Mary doesn’t agree.  “Why can’t you just text me that you don’t have time to text me?” 

We live in an instant gratification world and it’s all the smartphone’s fault. Partners complain if you don’t call me or text me back within five minutes, you must be fooling around with someone else.  We’re so used to getting information instantly on our phones that we forget people are busy at work and aren’t available 24/7/365.  Those that make themselves available 24/7 eventually burn out holding on to so much anger catering to everyone else’s timetable.  

Pornography 

According to Fight the New Drug.org, “most kids today are exposed to porn by age 13. 84.4% of males and 57% of females ages 14-18 have viewed porn. At least 1 in 3 porn videos show sexual violence or aggression. 53% of boys and 39% of girls believe pornography is a realistic depiction of sex. Yet, porn consumers tend to be less satisfied in relationships, less committed, and more permissive of cheating.” 

Think about this in terms of relationships. William’s porn use has escalated in recent years.  What used to be exciting is now boring, so he searches for something more stimulating, more taboo, or weirder, sometimes falling into illegal child porn. He spends so much time looking at porn that he loses interest in being intimate with his wife.  Studies show that hours of porn use and masturbation limit a man’s ability to perform sexually.   

William falls asleep one night after looking at hours of porn and Mary gets up, looks at his phone, and discovers hundreds of porn videos in his browser.  Then she checks his texts and sees he’s been sexting with several women, telling each one he loves them, just to keep the fantasy romance going. Mary is in shock, traumatized by the betrayal of the one person in the world she trusted most intimately.  Her world has fallen apart and she questions her sanity, asking, who is this person I married? 

Mary confronts William and William denies everything. He resents the fact that Mary keeps asking him all of these questions.  After all, all men look at porn and he’s not hurting anybody by just looking. “At least I’m not having a physical affair with anyone!” 

Mary questions herself.  Why does he have to look at those women when he has me?  I, Mary must not be as pretty, sexy, or lovable as those girls he’s looking at or sexing with. Because if I was, he wouldn’t need to look at all that filth or text other women.  What’s wrong with me, she asks? 

This scenario plays itself out daily in my office.  Whether you call it out-of-control sexual behavior or porn addiction, the pain caused by this use of technology is gut-wrenching for both partners.  The betraying partner is full of guilt, shame, and remorse once he sees what damage it has done to his partner.  The betrayed partner is so traumatized she cannot think straight, sleep well, or function to her full potential. My job as a therapist is just beginning, repairing the damage, building trust, and explaining the difference between addiction and choice.  

Technology has its advantages and disadvantages.  For some people who get hooked on the obsessive, compulsive aspects of technology, life can be a slippery slope of time wasted, poor communication, lack of intimacy, and a life of fantasy versus reality.  

 

7 Habits for Good Brain Health

Maintaining good brain health is key to a long and healthy life. Theories about what brain health looks like and how to achieve it abound, but there are some straightforward ideas about how to keep your mind sharp and well cared for that don’t depend on those theories. Here are seven habits to implement in your life that will help you keep your brain healthy.

1. Stay Well Rested

Your entire body needs rest, including your brain. Whether you’re a night owl or a morning person, getting plenty of sleep is essential for your whole body. While your other organs slow down during sleep and your body goes into “rest mode,” your brain does not shut off. While you sleep, you dream, you heal, and you prepare. Adults need between 7-9 hours of sleep a night to gain the full benefits of sleep so that they can perform their best each day.

Did you know that sleep issues can be addressed in therapy? You can search your area to find a therapist near you, then filter your results by Common Specialty > All other issues > Sleep Disorders.

2. Stay Active

An active lifestyle is also key to good brain health. Staying active helps your brain produce the hormones it needs to fuel the rest of your body. Physical activity encourages your body to produce hormones that promote brain health and improve your mood. While you do not need to exercise constantly to achieve good brain health, many experts recommend including exercise in your daily routine to increase blood flow and keep you healthy.

3. Pay Attention to Your Body

Your body will give you signals if your brain health is not quite right. This could include symptoms of vitamin deficiency. For example, if you feel foggy and tired during the winter months, you might have low vitamin D levels. Talking to your doctor about these symptoms can help you get what you need to achieve a healthy mind and body.

4. Stay Hydrated

Our bodies need water to function. When we are dehydrated, our brains are not at their best. According to a 2018 study from Georgia Tech, cognitive functioning decreases with dehydration, with noticeable effects within as little as two hours. Be intentional about your water consumption will promote brain health and support the rest of your body, too. 

5. Find Balance

The concept of work-life balance is something we’ve all heard of. Still, sometimes we forget that healthy balance in our lives could look very different depending on our circumstances. Figuring out what balance looks like for you right now, and being curious and adaptive about changes that need to be made down the line, can help you flourish. Be mindful of all the aspects of your life that need to be in balance (it’s not all about work and home – rest, friends, self-care, a hobby, spirituality, the outdoors can all be pieces of the pie as well). By appropriately devoting time and attention to what you value, you can relieve stress and allow your brain to engage with the world in a multitude of ways. 

6. Stimulate Your Brain

Your brain needs exercise just like the rest of your body. Brain games, puzzles, critical thinking, learning new things, hobbies, memorization, brain training, and reading can all function as brain exercises.

7. Care for Your Mental Health

Mental health is vital for keeping our brains healthy. If you have symptoms of depression or anxiety, or if you feel you cannot slow your brain down, we advise you to talk to a mental health professional. A mental health professional can guide you in developing skills and strategies to help you achieve a healthy mind.

Start your search for the right-fit psychotherapist today!

The Power of Habits Part 3: Establishing a Good Habit

Establishing a new habit might be your goal if you are trying to make positive changes in your life. In the last two articles, we covered the benefits of harnessing the power of habits for good and how to quit bad habits. This article will discuss how to form a good habit.

Refresher: 3 Things We Have Learned Already

#1 Habits Can Be Good

Not all habits are bad. We may assume something negative when we hear the word “habit.” This might include nail-biting, overspending, or lack of exercise. The truth is, habits can be good. Establishing a good habit can help us lead healthier and well-balanced mental, physical, and emotional lives.

#2 Bad Habits Are Hard to Break

Bad habits are hard to break because our brains are hard-wired to depend on them. Repetitive actions have trained our minds that those actions are important and necessary. This challenge makes it difficult to let go of bad habits and train our brain not to depend on them.

#3 How to Break Bad Habits

In the last article, we discussed how to quit bad habits. This included methods like talking to a therapist. Talking to a therapist can help us rewire our brains and form good habits, rather than defaulting to habits that aren’t serving us. In the last article, we also discussed other methods like replacing bad habits with something else, changing your routine, and talking with those around you.

Let’s Dispell Some Myths

Timeframes

How long does it take to form a habit? There are a lot of different numbers floating around out there . A popular timeframe is 21 days, but this isn’t rooted in science. In fact, the science demonstrates a wide range that varies per person: 18–254 days. James Clear, author of Atomic Habits: An Easy and Proven Way to Build Good Habits and Break Bad Ones, writes about the seminal 2009 study by Dr. Phillippa Lally that showed this range. The average of all study participants’ days to habit mastery came to 66. 

It’s helpful to remember Lally’s study on habits when you’re working on a new habit. With unrealistic expectations, it’d be easy to get discouraged if you were looking at day 30 in your habit formation journey and didn’t feel it taking root. With this study in mind, you can rest assured that there’s nothing wrong with you—habits just take a while. 

Progress, Not Perfection

Clear goes on to note that the study proves habit formation doesn’t require a perfect practice record. A couple of missed opportunities to reinforce the habit don’t have a long-term effect on your habit adoption if you stick with it over time. 

Creating a New Habit

To establish a good habit, a few things need to happen:

#1 Identify the Good Habits You Want to Adopt

What are the good habits you want to implement in your life? They might include an exercise regimen, a healthy diet, maintaining good relationships, establishing a consistent schedule, or anything else that could benefit the quality of your life. Start by listing the good habits you wish to implement in your life.

#2 Start Small 

When we want to make change happen in our lives, our initial instinct is to think big. We imagine our ideal life and, instead of planning out baby steps to get there, we may try to jump straight into that ideal life. We may set specific time frames and restrictions around when these new habits need to be established. This tendency can be dangerous. 

Thinking on too grand a scale can cause us to experience burnout very quickly. Think of it as muscle development. If your goal is to bench 200 lbs and you can currently bench 110 lbs, your best option is not to stroll into the gym and try 200 lbs tomorrow. You have to build up your strength incrementally over time in order to reach your goal or you might really hurt yourself. Similarly, we cannot take on too much too quickly when it comes to creating habits. The life you want requires “muscles” like strong new neural pathways and emotional and mental determination—muscles that can only develop with practice. For this reason, it is important to start small. Start with one good habit at a time and build from there. By limiting our focus to developing one habit at a time, we’re better able to do the necessary practice. 

#3 Practice Persistence 

The most common reason people do not start a good habit is that they were not successful on their first attempt. If you start a new habit and fail (whether on day 3 or day 39), do not give up. Keep working hard, keep trying—practice is the key to starting a good habit. To make the new habit’s neural pathway your brain’s preferred option, you have to reinforce it through lots of practice in every situation where you want it to be your default. Say you want to establish a habit of doing all the dishes after dinner each day. You’ll need to be very intentional about doing dishes every night. Time after time, the cue, or trigger, of finishing dinner needs to be followed by the choice and action of doing the dishes. 

If you are eager to start a good habit and do not know where to start, a therapist can be an excellent resource. Click through to learn more about behavioral health therapists in your area who can help you establish good habits and build the life you want.

For more in this series, see 

The Power of Habits, Part 2: Leaving Habits Behind

The Power of Habits, Part 3: How to Form a Good Habit

References

Clear, J. (2020, February 04). How long does it take to form a Habit? Backed by science. Retrieved March 16, 2021, from https://jamesclear.com/new-habit