Overcoming Heartbreak: 7 Stages of Healing

By Kendall Coffman, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Overcoming Heartbreak: 7 Stages of Healing

Heartbreak can leave us with a hollow and cold feeling as well as a loss of a sense of self. No one is immune to this most human experience of all – the loss of love. It can expose your most vulnerable parts, keep you in a negative emotional loop, and leave you with feelings of hopelessness. However, it is crucial that you know that you are not alone in this. You are not broken or “damaged goods,” but instead, you are a collection of all the difficult and beautiful experiences that have gotten you to this very point. 

7 Steps to Overcoming Heartbreak

The healing process varies from person to person, but self-help expert and psychotherapist Gael Lindenfield, in her book Your Pocket Self-Esteem Guide: Increase Your Confidence; Transform Your Life (2021), outlines seven steps to healing that you can use as a guide along your particular journey to emotional recovery: 

  1. Exploration
  2. Expression
  3. Comfort
  4. Compensation
  5. Perspective 
  6. Channeling
  7. Forgiveness 

Keep in mind that there is no “quick-fix” to heartbreak and loss. Still, understanding where you are in your own healing journey may help you make a few empowering steps towards your own happy ending.  

Exploration

As Lindenfield (2021) points out, the first task in any healing journey is to explore the nature of your hurt and acknowledge what we perceive to have happened. At this stage, you don’t want to spend time and energy devoted to blaming or pain-numbing. Instead, you want to truly explore the core emotional response occurring within you. It might be helpful to remind yourself that you are merely trying to explore your own perceptions of events and memories, and not necessarily the truth of an event. For example, notice if your response to a breakup centers on negative self-talk and shaming language (e.g., “I am not attractive enough” or “I don’t deserve to be happy”). 

Expression

Once you have explored your perception of your pain, you may naturally flow into the expression stage on your own. At this stage, the key is to slowly allow yourself to feel the pain or emotion connected to the event or heartbreak. Allow yourself to listen to that sad song in the bathtub or reminisce about old memories as long as you don’t find yourself taking an active role in shame or self-blame. Express your broken heart; feel your feelings. 

Comfort

At this point in the healing process, it is crucial that you reach out for help to a friend, family member, or therapist. You may only need someone to hear you tell your story and be present with you, while others may need a few words of encouragement to feel comfort. In some circumstances, you may need your friend to help you begin to trim the branches that your ex-partner grew into your life. Guy Winch said in his 2017 TedTalk entitled “How to fix a broken heart” that it is crucial that we not glorify or make our former partners into idealized heroes. Instead, we should reflect on why they were not a good partner and why they may not have brought happiness into your future. It is time to delete those photos off your phone. 

Compensation

It is now time to start “making up” for all of the pain and hurt you have received or experienced up until this point. It is important to allow yourself to engage in a little self-indulgence. You are allowed to enjoy things. Give yourself permission to find some light. Here are a few examples that some of my clients have incorporated at the compensation stage:

Perspective 

At this point, you may find yourself well on your way to a mended heart. You may also be ready to start putting the heartbreaking events in perspective and allowing yourself to write a new ending to the story. Here are a few questions you could ask yourself:

Channeling 

As Lindenfield (2021) explains, the objective of channeling is to find constructive ways to apply the positive benefits you have gained as a result of the emotional pain you have experienced. Some examples include

Forgiveness

Although you may have made it to the final stage, that does not mean you have to force a fake or inauthentic act of forgiveness. This stage is not only about forgiving those who have emotionally hurt you but equally about forgiving yourself for whatever negative thoughts you have harbored towards yourself. Forgiveness does not require that you verbally make amends with other people; you can do this step alone in your own private sacred space.

Special Notes

Use these steps as a running guide and spend time processing them independently or with a therapist. Healing is a messy journey and has no timeline, so trust your gut. In the words of Brene Brown, “you are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your grief in this moment of heartbreak, or if you’re feeling stuck in the healing process and unable to complete it, it may be time to reach out to a therapist. Click here to search for therapists in your area who can help.

References:

Brown, B. (2010). The power of vulnerability. Link: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en

Lindenfield, G. (2021). Your pocket self-esteem guide: Increase your confidence; transform your life. HarperCollins Publishers.

Winch, G. (2017). How to fix a broken heart. Link: https://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_how_to_fix_a_broken_heart?language=en

Music's Ability to Relieve Fear and Anxiety

By Carey Cloyd, Marriage and Family Therapist

Music’s Ability to Reduce Anxiety and Fear

Music is a powerful thing. When we are feeling anxious or fearful, music can help bring about a sense of calmness and relaxation. Consider the soothing effects of the music played in a spa or a restorative yoga class. In those environments, peaceful music tells our bodies and our minds it’s okay to relax. Music’s ability to reduce anxiety and fear is something we can use as a helpful tool in our everyday lives. 

Harnessing the Soothing Power of Music

We can implement the same strategies ourselves wherever we may find ourselves. We can choose to play soothing music in any of the following settings:

Headphones can be a good option if there are noises in your immediate environment, if you are on the move, or if you are not wishing to disturb others around you. 

Finding the Right Music for You

What types of music are calming will vary from individual to individual. You may have a particular style of music that is especially meaningful to you. Also, there may be certain types of music that you gravitate towards when in certain moods. 

That said, it is relatively easy to look for playlists or channels using keywords like “calm,” “calming spa,” “chill,” “chill out,” “meditate,” “meditation,” “nature,” “relax,” “relaxing,” “relaxation,” “soothe,” “soothing,” “spa,” etc. These provide ready-made playlists and affirm that there is a need for and benefit to this kind of intentional listening. 

You have plenty of options. Slow, quiet classical music can work well for this. Nature sounds can remind us of rain, waterfalls, streams, the ocean, wind, birdsong, crickets – the rhythms of the natural world.  While we may not be outside ourselves or able to travel to those destinations at this time, we can experience the soothing effects through the music itself – regardless of our environment.

Whatever type of music you choose, this kind of listening can help reduce anxiety and fear by lowering your pulse and heart rate, dropping blood pressure, and decreasing stress hormones.

Singing Along

Singing along with songs can also be a way to invite the effects of the music to strengthen. One of the difficult effects of the COVID-19 pandemic is isolation. While it is not advisable to be singing in person with people outside one’s house (all those deep breaths can lead to germ-sharing), it is safe to sing along with the music we are listening to – especially when at home in an enclosed space. Singing along has mental health benefits, including helping you feel more connected. 

Readying Yourself for Sleep

Choosing to listen to calming music in the evening can help induce sleep and reduce insomnia. That can be helpful as a way to disengage from the devices many of us are looking at during the day, as there does not need to be visual engagement other than starting and stopping the music itself.

Making It a Habit

A client of mine recently shared that after a recent session – which she engages in from the relative comfort and privacy of her car – she chose, instead of listening to a news channel on the radio, to select a station of spa music. She noted that she felt much less stress as a result and found herself feeling more at ease and spacious. This choice allowed her to reflect on the content of the psychotherapy session and to digest it more consciously as she transitioned during the drive to the next portion of her day with various responsibilities and tasks. She is considering making it one of her habits and utilizing this form of self-care at other times and in other ways.

Listening to music can be a very effective stress management tool to help you reduce anxiety and fear, and I encourage you to make use of it!

Find a therapist today for customized recommendations of strategies and tools that can help you thrive.

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