Millions upon millions of Americans see their families during the holiday season. While a lot of us look forward to taking time off from work and spending quality time with our loved ones, just as many of us dread the holidays because we have to spend time with them. 

“Although holidays are often times of connection, joy, gratitude, friendship, and love, they can sometimes be times of frustration, fear, loneliness, and exhaustion,” explains Kendall Coffman, MS, a marriage and family therapist.  

In order to ensure your holidays are as enjoyable as possible, you need to understand some of the factors that cause family members to reach their wit’s end during the holiday season. Once you do, you can begin figuring out how to set boundaries with family and learn about some tactics you can use to navigate the holidays smoothly. 

Surviving the Holidays: Why People Feel Uncomfortable at Family Gatherings 

A recent survey found that — while 81 percent of Americans plan to see family members during the holiday season — just 55 percent were actually looking forward to it. 

In large part, this is due to the fact that families tend to argue over things like politics and religion during holiday dinners — particularly when there are copious amounts of adult beverages involved. 

But that’s not the only reason. That same study found that Americans don’t like seeing family during the holidays because 

• They don’t like sleeping on the floor or on the couch 
• They don’t want to be packed into a small space with tons of people 
• They wouldn’t be able to get intimate with their partner in their family member’s house 
• They wouldn’t be able to watch their favorite TV shows 

• They don’t like the food their family serves 
• They wouldn’t be able to walk around in their underwear 
• They’d have to share a room with a relative 

Of course, we’re still in the middle of a pandemic, which adds another layer of complexity into an already difficult time of the year. 

Now that you have a better idea of some of the main drivers of argumentative behavior at family gatherings, let’s turn our attention to what you can do to reduce the chances family members are at each other’s throats this holiday season. 

How to Establish Boundaries with Family 

For clinical psychologist Paul Greene, PhD, the holidays are the perfect time to start thinking about what kinds of behaviors are unacceptable and what your family can do to create workable boundaries. 

“Gathering with family for any of the holiday rituals is a good opportunity to reflect with a 360-degree perspective for discovering acceptable and enforceable boundaries,” Dr. Greene says. 

Since every family is different, you’ll need to ask yourself and at least some of your family members a series of questions to outline what your family’s boundaries might be. According to Dr. Greene, these are some of the questions you should ask: 

• Why are you gathering? 
• Which members of the family are most likely to cause trouble? 
• What are some of the pitfalls your family has encountered in the past? 
• What does the vision for a more acceptable gathering look like? 

Once you’ve come up with agreeable answers, you can then start to define the boundaries themselves. For example, boundaries with family might include no yelling, no political discussion, and no abusive behaviors. 

Whatever your family ultimately decides, by preparing ahead of time about the coming events, you will improve the odds for a better holiday, Dr. Greene says. At the same time, this will help you resolve issues before your family gathers so that fences are mended ahead of time. 

By now, you have a better understanding of some of the drivers of family grief during the holiday season as well as the way setting boundaries can help mitigate some of them. In the next section, we’ll explore some other tactics that can save you as you approach your next family gathering. 

What You Can Do to Navigate the Holidays Smoothly 

Other than outlining boundaries and doing everything you can to adhere toand enforce them, here are some additional tactics to keep in mind that can help you have productive and enjoyable family gatherings.

1. Set realistic expectations

According to Paul W. Anderson, PhD, who’s a licensed psychologist, it’s important for folks to set realistic expectations for the holidays. 

“In America, the holiday period is the emotional hurricane season,” Dr. Anderson says. “The most realistic expectation I offer people is to just get through the season with minimal ensnarement in family drama. This is not the time to pursue good feelings. It’s the time to survive, so later on you can find yourself in one piece.” 

If yours is a particularly politically divided family, prepare for the likelihood that someone will invariably start yapping about politics — even if your family has set a boundary of “no political discussions.” 

2. Don’t over-indulge

It’s no secret that Americans like to imbibe during the holidays. Of course, when people drink too much, they’re much more likely to get into arguments with their family members. 

If you can get through the holidays without too many spirits, there’s an easy fix: do as much as you can to abstain. 

“Drink enough but not too much alcohol,” Dr. Greene says. “That may mean zero or near-zero.” 

Unfortunately, this might not prevent your eccentric uncle from tossing them back and starting an argument about Ross Perot’s role in the 1992 U.S. presidential election. But if you keep your alcohol intake in check, you can at least rest comfortably knowing you won’t be making it worse.

3. Understand that it won’t last forever

When you’re in the middle of a difficult and tense family gathering, it may feel as though time is grinding to a halt. Even though the night might seem to stretch on forever, you need to remind yourself that this too shall pass, and that — eventually — you or your family will be headed back home. 

If you find yourself struggling during a particularly tense moment, Dr. Greene recommends staying patient by focusing on your breathing. 

“Practice counting to 10 before speaking, then breathe deeply, two seconds in and four seconds out,” he says. “Repeat as needed.”

4. Make your own rules

At the end of the day, there’s no reason any of us have to put ourselves into toxic situations just for the sake of it. This is part of the reason why many people are opting to spend holidays with their “chosen family” — i.e., their very close friends. 

“You are allowed to not invite someone to the party because they threaten your identity,” Coffman says. “You have permission to make your own rules this holiday.” 

At the same time, it’s also okay to get along with family members — and even love them — although they might disagree with you on various important topics. 

“You are also allowed to lean into fun, play, and excitement. You are allowed to love a family member who has different views than you,” Coffman concludes. “You get to decide what works best in your life this holiday. Protect your peace.” 

Getting Ready for Your Next Family Gathering 

Are you anticipating exceptionally difficult family gatherings this holiday season? If so, remember that you don’t have to go into the holidays on your own.  

If you need some help getting ready for the holidays, a therapist can help you get in the right frame of mind before the big days arrive. Start your search for the perfect therapist today.

 

by Paul Anderson, PhD, Psychologist, in Overland Park, KS

What Does a Well-Functioning American Family Look Like? The 5 Essential Ingredients of Optimal Family Life in a Culturally Diverse Society

Children must be shown and taught what is or is not acceptable in society. We are not born speaking a certain language, eating a certain diet, or interacting with family members in what are thought to be appropriate ways. Humans learn from their elders how to behave and conform to accepted cultural norms. Most of what we learn to do as civilized, law-abiding citizens comes from the modeling we see more than from direct instruction.

However, a person’s family life is configured by circumstances, ethnicity, and other conditions, and the parent figure(s) attempts to have a family that can produce and foster a viable next generation. Short story: parents want their children to grow up to be practical, adaptive, and able to sustain themselves as adults. The degree to which these outcomes occur for the kids is affected by the quality of the emotional and relationship environment kids grow up in.

5 Essential Ingredients for Cultivating Optimal Family Life

Here are the five foundational bones of well-functioning family life. More substance and elaboration can certainly be added, but an understanding of these basic traits will get you headed in the right direction.

1. Parents and adult role models demonstrate how to handle conflict, tolerate diversity and disagreement. Mutual respect of each family member prevents emotional abuse.

• Adults in the family understand and use rules of Fair Fighting.
• Clear, direct non-blaming communications are valued and used regularly. Active listening skills are taught to children. Skills sets for healthy expression of emotion are encouraged.
• Family members value understanding each other and reciprocal validation more than agreement and pushing for everybody to be on the same page.

2. Clear interpersonal boundaries are maintained in the family and outside the family in relationship to the larger communities such as neighborhood, state, and nation.

• A well-functioning or useful boundary clearly defines who is best suited to do what, with whom, when, where, and how. The family understands who the parents/adults are and who the children are and what’s expected of each in relation to other family members.
• Clear boundaries are maintained between the family and others defined as outside the family. The leaders in each family establish boundaries with short- and long-term consequences in mind. Boundaries may change over time to meet family and community needs or values as they change.
• Useful boundaries clarify responsibilities, obligations, and privileges. For example, family members in the role of adult or parent are responsible to raise the kids, pay the bills, and provide protection, not the children. The children are expected to play, go to school, and learn how to be socialized, productive adults. It is not their job to solve adult relationship issues.Kids play, compete, and cooperate more with their siblings than with their parents. Family members in the role of children are expected to obey family adults and house rules.Given mutual consent, parents have the prerogative to sexualize their relationship with each other as desired and may reproduce. Single parents meet their adult needs with other adults outside the family, not with children.

  At the same time, adults and parents in the family have the right/duty to make final decisions about family life. Families are not democracies.

3. Relationships in the family are valued, cultivated, and maintained with regular attention.

• Parents go on dates. Also, on a regular basis, each adult deliberately structures time with each child and cultivates one-on-one interactions.
• Siblings may squabble, but they need to have each other’s backs outside the family (say, at school).
• The family as a group does vacations and other family activities, building a deep and rich family life history and vault of cherished memories they can draw on when times are rough.

4. Children learn that, regardless of what goes on in their parent’s marriage (including divorce or separation), they can count on these four guaranteed facts:

• They are loved for who they are and are not expected to become clones or allies of either parent.
• While growing up, all their needs will be provided for by their parents, including provisioning, protection, and encouragement to pursue their unique destiny.
• Each parent has a relationship with each child that is unencumbered by the other parent in any way. Children are guaranteed minimal triangulation between their parents and are not used as go-betweens.
• Whatever happens in their parent’s marriage affects them to one degree or the other, but the marriage is none of their business: they did not cause it, they cannot control it, and they cannot change it. Proper boundaries dictate the marriage to be off-limits in all ways to the offspring of that marriage. Children don’t take sides with either parent or play the role of a substitute parental partner.

5. If or when relationships in the family are wounded or damaged, the parents/adults can demonstrate how to repair the damage.

• Children learn from what they see that it’s okay to seek emotional and mental health help, say “I’m sorry,” and deal with problems head on rather than with avoidance or denial. Parents model conflict resolution skills.
• Family members avoid blaming, judging, and criticizing each other for problems and troubles. Instead, they look at the part they play in the drama and work to improve that, rather than trying to point out each other’s faults and change them.
• Family members value and seek to enable growth, progress, and maturity in themselves and each other, not perfection.

6. Bonus Tip: What to Do When Your Family Is in a Hot-Mess Moment:

1. Parents/adults find healthy ways to get calm and stay calmer than the children.
2. As soon as possible, it is the parent/adult’s responsibility to call a family meeting. Everyone in the family must attend; no one is to be left out.
3. Openly, directly, and without blaming anyone, the crisis is discussed. Each family member is then asked to identify at least one appropriate thing they can do to restore calm and regular functioning to the family. The family leader(s) may find it useful to review the proper and useful roles and boundaries that apply to each family member.
4. Encourage members to remember and thank each person for the good they contribute to making the family a safe and supportive place to live.
5. Necessary solutions to identified problems are discussed. Family leaders use their wisdom and maturity to select the best solution(s) to problems at hand.
6. A follow-up family meeting may be scheduled to review and evaluate progress and make needed adjustments to solutions.

Aiming for Health in Your Family Life

To be sure, the above portrait of a well-functioning family errs on the side of idealism. However, with effort and persistence, movement towards these traits can happen. Give it your best shot and don’t give up. Conscious and mindful practice is required to gain and maintain clear, effective patterns of family interaction.

A family is an organic entity, living, breathing, and either growing or dying. It must be tended to, fed, protected, and nourished to be kept alive.

It never hurts to ask for a coach when learning new skills and procedures. You may wish to contact Paul W Anderson, PhD, or search for a family therapist near you for help and guidance.