POV:  Your teenager slams the door loudly and you wonder to yourself what could have possibly happened to that cuddly, chubby-cheeked-child that you once bounced on your lap.  The changing dynamics between parents and children can range from moment to moment, from pride to nostalgia to sadness and confusion.  While you anticipated that they would grow away from you at some point, you didn’t think it would feel like this, and you didn’t expect to flounder so much to maintain a connection with them while simply keeping them “on track”.  Undoubtedly, one of the greatest challenges of parenting teens is in finding the “sweet spot” between encouraging them towards autonomous identity development while also maintaining some type of a positive relationship.

Parenting teenagers can feel like an uphill battle of emotions, conflict, and perhaps some behaviors you’ve never seen before.  While you should certainly consult a professional if you notice worrisome behaviors (substance abuse, self-harm/ suicidality, self-isolating, or other high-risk behaviors), here are 5 key tips for communicating with your teen and staying connected as you both navigate this stage of life together.

Tips for Parents Navigating the Teen Years

Set limits with love.

Setting limits allows for a structure within which your teen may grow and develop safely.  Base your limits on developmentally appropriate behavior and present your limits with compassion, even when they are not MET with compassion.  Parents who set and reinforce consistent limits and expectations allow teens to mature by making “safe” mistakes that help them to learn through natural consequences.

Expert tip for parents:  Practicing your own self-care and coping strategies will help you to stay emotionally regulated and prepared to meet your teenager’s pushback with understanding AND firmness.

Learn to validate your child.

While we may not agree that the 10pm curfew that we enforced was “unfair,” we can certainly understand and validate a teen’s desire to be out with their friends.  According to the DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents, “Validation communicates to another person that his or her feelings, thoughts, and actions make sense and are understandable to you in a particular situation” (Rathus & Miller, 2015, p. 171).   Not only does the skill of validation help others to feel more understood and less alone, it can help to de-escalate conflict. And what could be more important than that when we are talking about maintaining an emotional connection with our teenagers?

Remember that validation does not equal agreement, and that we can validate feelings and experiences of others while still upholding limits.

Give your teen the gift of space.

According to the infamous research of Erik Erikson, a well-known psychologist, there are eight stages of development that we all must navigate as we seek connection and purpose throughout our lifetimes (Crain, 2011, pp. 283-297).  During the phase of adolescence, the specific task one must navigate is building a sense of identity and finding “one’s place in the larger social order” (Crain, 2011, p. 291).  Teenagers must be working towards identity development and making strong connections with peers to be prepared to navigate the impending tasks of adulthood effectively.

While most of us understand this idea, it can FEEL HARD to experience your teenager wanting more space, challenging your opinions, and only wanting to be around friends.  However, we must keep in mind that these are indications of healthy development and must try not take it personally.  Giving your teen time alone to explore individual interests and reflect allows them space to build a strong sense of self.  Similarly, giving your teen the ability to prioritize friends allows them opportunity to nurture friendships, build a peer support network, strengthen social skills, and learn to nurture healthy relationships.

*If your child seems unusually withdrawn and isolated or is very invested in peers who are exhibiting unhealthy behaviors, these would be red-flags and indicate a need for further exploration and possibly professional help.

Seek opportunity for positive connection.

Do what they like.  Plan special activities together.  Write them notes.  Make yourself available.  Validate them.  Be playful.  While they are going to turn you down sometimes or even dismiss the effort with attitude, don’t take it personally, give them some space, and try again another time.  Tell them you love them and that you are available when they feel like it.

Couples therapist Dr. John Gottman coined the term “Magic Ratio” to describe the idea that healthy relationships generally exhibit at least 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction (Benson, 2017).  While Gottman’s work was primarily focused on couples therapy, the same ratio can be applied to building strong relationships with our children.  During a developmental phase that is marked by a natural increase in parent-child conflict, keep a lose goal to have more positive interactions than negative interactions and remember that YOU are in control of YOUR behavior.  When conflict or emotionality rises, parents can strive to show-up in these moments with validation, empathy, and compassion.  Thus, an interaction that may once have ended in yelling is transformed into a moment of gentle connection and acceptance.

Parents can also increase positive interactions by choosing their battles wisely. Choose to address teen behaviors that are straying from what is developmentally normal, as opposed to picking apart all mistakes or preferences.  For example, a parent might choose to have a firm discussion with their teen around repeated substance use but choose NOT to dig their heels in around a teenager keeping their room spotless.

Be prepared to seek repair.

There is no perfect way to parent.  We will make mistakes.  Our teens will make mistakes.  Disagreement and conflict are not only inevitable, but a healthy part of all relationships.  Be prepared to use these imperfect moments as opportunities for connection.  Making a relational repair is when we acknowledge a mistake in our behavior as it relates to another, and we take responsibility and apologize for it.  Not only does this give us a shot at making things right again with our teen, but it allows a space for a potential positive interaction (remember that 5:1 ratio) and it offers an opportunity to model skillful behavior.  Especially at an age where lectures go in one ear and out the other, modeling skillful behavior for our children can be the most powerful teacher.

Seeking a repair after a rift in the relationship shows our children that we love them, and that we are willing to acknowledge our mistakes.  It demonstrates the ability to emotionally regulate and take responsibility, which are both qualities of partners in healthy relationships (a behavior we want our teens to both LEARN and EXPECT from others).

References

Crain, W.  (2011).  Theories of development; Concepts and applications (6^th ed.).  Prentice Hall.

Rathus, J.H. & Miller, A.L. (2015).  Dbt skills manual for adolescents.  The Guildford Press.

Benson, K.  (2017, October 4).  The magic relationship ratio, according to science.  The

Gottman Institute online.  https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/

Life throws curveballs at everyone, and kids are no exception. From navigating social pressures and academic demands to dealing with family changes and personal struggles, childhood can be a rollercoaster of emotions. Just like we take our children to the doctor for physical checkups, it’s equally important to prioritize their mental well-being. 

What is Child Therapy? 

Child therapy is a safe and supportive space where children can explore their feelings, develop coping skills, and learn to navigate the challenges they face. It’s not just for kids with serious mental health diagnoses; therapy can benefit children of all ages and backgrounds. 

Signs Your Child Might Benefit from Therapy: 

• Changes in Behavior:  

• Increased aggression or irritability 

• Withdrawal from friends and family 

• Sudden changes in eating or sleeping habits 

• Difficulty concentrating or focusing 

• Self-harm or suicidal thoughts 

• Emotional Difficulties:  

• Excessive anxiety or worry 

• Persistent sadness or low mood 

• Frequent anger or frustration 

• Difficulty managing emotions 

• Low self-esteem 

• Difficulty focusing in school 

• Poor grades despite effort 

• Frequent absences or tardiness 

• Difficulty making or maintaining friendships 

• Bullying or being bullied 

• Social isolation 

The Benefits of Child Therapy: 

• Improved Emotional Regulation: Therapy helps children understand and manage their emotions in healthy ways. They learn to identify triggers, cope with stress, and express themselves effectively. 

• Enhanced Social Skills: Therapists can help children develop crucial social skills, such as communication, empathy, and conflict resolution. This can improve their relationships with peers, family, and teachers. 

• Increased Self-Esteem and Confidence: Therapy provides a safe space for children to explore their strengths and weaknesses. They learn to value themselves and build confidence in their abilities. 

• Improved Academic Performance: When children are emotionally and mentally well, they are better able to focus, learn, and succeed in school. 

• Stronger Family Relationships: Therapy can improve communication and understanding within the family. Family therapy sessions can help address family dynamics and improve overall family functioning. 

• Long-Term Mental Health: By addressing mental health concerns early on, therapy can help prevent the development of more serious mental health issues later in life. 

Finding the Right Therapist: 

• Seek Recommendations: Talk to your pediatrician, school counselor, or other trusted adults for recommendations. 

• Consider Your Child’s Needs: Look for a therapist with experience working with children who have similar challenges to your child. 

• Schedule a Consultation: Most therapists offer a free initial consultation to discuss your child’s needs and answer your questions. 

• Build a Rapport: It’s important for your child to feel comfortable and safe with their therapist. 

Remember: 

Seeking therapy for your child is a sign of strength, not weakness. It shows that you care about their well-being and are committed to supporting their mental health. 

“Their main sources of anxiety are feeling guilty when they displease others and the fear of being exposed as imposters. Their biggest relationship downfall is being overly self-sacrificing and then becoming resentful of how much they do for others.”  

Dr. Lindsay Gibson 

Growing up with emotionally immature parents can be a challenging experience. It can feel like trying to solve a complex puzzle with missing pieces. During your formative years, you may have been exposed to an emotional environment where your parents’ ability to offer maturity, support, and comfort was often unreliable. This post delves into the traits and impacts of emotional immaturity, exploring how its lasting effects touch various aspects of your life. These effects can range from missing childhood memories to struggling with emotions (alexithymia), self-esteem, and adult relationships. We aim to outline these obstacles and, more crucially, shed light on a journey towards healing and fostering healthy, meaningful connections. 

Understanding Emotional Immaturity 

What does it truly mean to be emotionally immature? It refers to the difficulty in managing emotions in a positive way, which often leads to unstable relationships and a lack of empathy. For an emotionally immature parent, their children’s emotions may seem like an unfamiliar and incomprehensible language. Their own emotional needs take priority, resulting in a household environment that overlooks the emotional needs of their children. It becomes customary to avoid emotional discussions, leaving their children to navigate an emotional landscape without guidance. 

Characteristics of Emotionally Immature Parents 

The characteristics of emotionally immature parents can manifest subtly, shaping the narratives their children internalize. Some children may grow up in an emotionally unstable home where a parent’s mood swings dictate the family’s stability. In contrast, others may encounter a distant, disengaged parent. Emotionally immature parents may also struggle in their relationships, leaving their children without a healthy relational model. The impact of emotionally immature parents on their children can be profound and multifaceted, creating an emotional landscape that can hinder personal growth and foster lifelong patterns. Children of such parents often feel emotionally isolated, burdened, and prematurely independent. It’s crucial to recognize these effects to reshape one’s life narrative. 

Patterns in Relationships Beyond the Youth 

The impacts of growing up with emotionally immature parents ripple through all future relationships. Adult children find themselves drawn to partners, friends, and workplaces mirroring the dynamics from their youth. This unconscious repetition of familiar yet unhealthy relationship patterns serves as a poignant example of how deeply emotional immaturity can shape us. Awareness of these patterns is the first step in breaking free from their destructive hold. 

Healing and Growth in the Face of Emotional Immaturity 

The healing process for adult children of emotionally immature parents is a multifaceted and often protracted undertaking. It involves a critical cataloging of one’s emotional landscape, relearning how to express and receive emotions, establishing a supportive community, and potentially seeking professional counseling. Only by unearthing the root of one’s relational difficulties can true growth be attained. 

Self-awareness and Breaking the Cycle 

When individuals encounter emotional immaturity in their parents, self-awareness becomes both a refuge and a tool. By unraveling the emotional patterns ingrained during childhood, grown children can pave the way for a new trajectory. Cultivating self-awareness serves as a defense against unknowingly perpetuating these patterns with their own offspring. Setting  

The journey to healing for adult children of emotionally immature parents is intricate and often prolonged. It encompasses meticulously examining one’s emotional terrain, rediscovering how to express and accept emotions, building a supportive network, and possibly engaging in professional therapy. Genuine personal growth can only blossom through uncovering the origins of one’s relational challenges. 

Boundaries, both emotional and physical, are the vanguard of any relationship. They delineate where one person ends and another begins. For adult children of emotionally immature parents, setting and maintaining boundaries can be a revelation, a tool to ensure that one’s emotional well-being is sacrosanct. It’s a powerful assertion and an act of self-care that can revolutionize one’s relationship dynamics. 

By understanding the characteristics of healthy, mature relationships, those who’ve faced parental emotional immaturity can start to redefine their relational map. This process involves identifying and nurturing relationships built on trust, empathy, and a mutual exchange of emotional support. 

Seeking Professional Help and Guidance 

Therapy plays a crucial role in the healing journey of adult children with emotionally immature parents. Collaborating with a skilled professional who understands the intricate dynamics of familial emotions can be truly liberating. It provides a nurturing environment to unravel, rediscover, and rebuild one’s emotional landscape, step by step, in a supportive atmosphere that fosters progress without judgment. 

For those starting on this demanding yet profoundly rewarding path, seeking professional assistance is not just an option; it is a vital stride. Trained therapists can guide individuals through the complexities of their emotional world, help them grasp the nuances of emotional immaturity, and offer practical strategies for emotional growth. 

Conclusion 

Navigating a relationship with emotionally immature parents is a crucial part of our emotional journey. It involves reflecting on the past to shape a more satisfying path ahead. Through self-awareness, establishing boundaries, and seeking support, emotional wounds can evolve into sources of strength, empathy, and positive relationships. The road to healing may be extended. Still, with patience, understanding, and self-compassion, adult children can break free from the cycle of emotional immaturity and create a happier, healthier future for themselves. Remember that you are not alone in this journey; seeking help is never a sign of weakness. 

Recap of Key Points 

In our deep dive into the complex realm of emotional immaturity and its impact on adult children, we’ve touched on the spectrum of challenges: emotional loneliness, premature independence, and the repeating cycles of relational patterns. However, we’ve also highlighted the many avenues for change and growth, from therapy to establishing new, healthy relationships. With each step forward, the narrative that began with emotionally immature parents can evolve into one of triumph over adversity and a life rich with emotional maturity and fulfillment. 

Parenting is difficult on its own, but when you and your partner, or co-parent, have different approaches to such an all-consuming role, frustration is likely to flair, impacting not only your relationship with each other but also your children.   

But while our knee-jerk parenting reactions may vary, with the right communication and effort, it’s possible to incorporate more blended, consistent styles, all while maintaining one’s unique parenting strengths and personality.  

Know you are not alone 

Even when you’ve ensured as many pieces as possible are in place to parent — achieving work-life balance, and being physically and emotionally healthy — parenting is a stressful and difficult endeavor. Of course, it’s also rewarding, but you’d be hard-pressed to find an involved parent who hasn’t had days where they’ve felt drained, in more ways than one.   

In fact, according to one Pew study, about 62% of respondents said parenting has been harder than expected, with about a quarter saying it’s a lot harder than anticipated.   

When you and your partner have different parenting styles, it can make parenting that much more difficult, as it requires navigating additional relational challenges, beyond those between you and your children alone.   

Why people parent differently 

Because each partner was raised in a different household and holds different personalities, it should almost be expected that each parent will have, at times, competing notions about the best approach to, say, disciplining their child.  

It’s also important to keep in mind that there also tend to be differences in parenting approaches based on cultural background and even gender. In the same parenting survey, about half of mothers say they take on a more overprotective role, compared with 38% of fathers. The latter is also more likely to state they offer their kids too much freedom, and that when it comes to disciplining, they are less likely to waiver than moms.  

Parenting styles differ based on cultural backgrounds as well. Research shows that some countries rely more heavily than others on sibling parenting, whereby older children take on central caregiving roles. Physical affection, not just from parents, but by other family members and friends, also varies significantly across countries and backgrounds. It’s important to take all of this into account when working with your partner, or co-parent.  

Let’s recap some of the most well-established parenting styles, which may help you identify which feels most applicable to you: 

Authoritarian 

Such an approach relies solely on parents as the decision-makers and leaves little room for kids’  autonomy. Obedience is at the center of authoritarian parenting, and the idiom that kids should be “seen and not heard” encapsulates the dynamic.  

Permissive 

Scant enforcement of rules and disciplines characterizes this type of parenting. Those who grew up with a permissive parent typically experience a childhood where consequences were verbally communicated but were not always followed through on. Accountability for bad behavior could easily be skirted with enough complaining or frustration directed at the parent.  

Neglectful 

There are some similarities with permissive parenting in that discipline is often lacking, but neglectful parenting takes it a step further. While a permissive parent typically expresses concern, or conversely, love and affection, neglectful parents show tremendous indifference to their child’s behavior and needs.  

 Authoritative 

Typically considered the gold standard, an authoritative parent typically employs a carrot-and-stick approach to parenting. Rules and expectations are clearly communicated, as are disciplinary measures, which are followed through on. However, unlike authoritarians, authoritative parents take in children’s perspectives and emotions when making decisions.  

Find something that works for everyone 

Finding common ground 

Finding common ground in your parenting styles will be your secret weapon. Figure out what are some of the baseline rules and consequences that will be enforced the same way among both parents.  

Not allowing kids to “divide and conquer” will not only signal you and your partner are on the same team, but in the long run, it also provides a sense of security for children.  

Disagree behind closed doors 

We can’t always time when conflicts will arise. But to the extent possible, it’s important to save disagreements — especially when it pertains to parenting styles — between the two of you. 

In the words of psychiatrist Dr. Alan Ravitz: 

 “In my own family, I know there were times when I thought my wife was too harsh and there were times when she thought I was too easy. The important thing is to present a united front.” 

Even if you disagree with a particular reaction from your partner — barring extreme circumstances — try not to vocalize your disapproval in the midst of their interaction with your child, as this can undermine their authority, and subsequently, yours as well.   

Constantly communicate 

Regular communication is paramount for the success of any relationship, but when you add raising kids in the mix, it becomes that much more important. With working parents and busy school schedules, set aside time with your partner for parenting “check-ins”. During these agreed-upon times, you can talk about discipline approaches, behavior trends you’re noticing that may be cause for concern, or conversely, optimism. By structuring such discussions, both parents can become a more united front and well-prepared on how to approach worrisome incidents as they inevitably arise.  

Seek counseling 

Sometimes, an objective, third-party professional can help families navigate the messy ins and outs of not just parenting, but marriage as well. Couples counseling can help you and your partner understand each other’s thought processes and emotional patterns when it comes to parenting. And during family therapy, you can also dig deeper into your child’s behavior and subsequent reactions.  

 Online directories like GoodTherapy can help you find the therapist that works best for your family’s challenges, needs and background.  

 

I have good news and bad news. People usually want the bad news first, so here goes: You, alone, do not have the power to make your child happy. None of us do. That’s the bad news. Okay, what’s the good news? You hold more power than you think.  

The biggest mistake I see parents making with their children is that they underestimate themselves! You underestimate how needed and wanted you are, and how much of a difference you can make. And if your gut reaction to this is anything along the lines of “No, my kid doesn’t want to talk to me,” or “She just wants to stay in her room”, then I am definitely talking to you.  

Knowing your worth can make a difference for your teenager, and the best news is, you can ‘fake it ’til you make it’ if needed. Here are three steps you can take right now to let go of the power that isn’t yours and harness the power that is: 

Step 1: Assume they need and want your attention

Every time I’m asked the question, “How can you work with teenagers? How do you reach them?” I am reminded of the days I worked with gang-involved youth at an alternative school in Chicago. As I walked through the halls past classroom doors, kids would literally turn to me and shout, “Take me! Take me!” My secret? I assumed they wanted my attention.  

I’m not claiming it was easy. I was trained to ignore the ‘behavioral noise’ — the defenses, the bravado, the defiance, or even the silence. I had to learn to let that roll off. I couldn’t let it hurt my feelings or deter me. My job was to remain present, open, and solicitous. What surprised me most was how quickly the kids could sense that I was for real. They dropped the rebellious act so quickly, and it became very easy to see these kids for exactly who they were: kids.  

I know it’s more complicated as a parent. I’m a mom and a stepmom, and I feel the difference. But I promise it’s not that they want or need you any less. In fact, they want their parents even more! But this is why Step 2 is so important. 

Step 2: Listen

If your teenager is reluctant to talk to you, I guarantee it’s not because they don’t care what you think. In fact, it’s the opposite. It’s because they care too much about what you think. They know who you are. They know your values, beliefs, and opinions. And for the most part, they are probably well aligned with you. But healthy teens inevitably differ from their parents in some ways, and they need to know you’re okay with that. No matter how much they pretend not to care, I promise they want your blessing.  

So, listen. Get curious. Ask questions about the nuances of what they’re saying. Don’t weigh in, at least not yet. Make it your sole mission to let them know you’ve taken a serious interest in what they’re saying and are taking your time to digest it. Let them know they’ve made you think. It demonstrates your willingness to accept, integrate, and adapt to their differences.  

Step 3: Offer therapy 

 Assuming your teen wants your attention and listening without an agenda will help you harness the power you hold. But what then? What if it’s not enough? Don’t be afraid to offer therapy.   

I know I’m biased, but so is everyone. And in my unapologetic opinion, every teen needs therapy. Making sense of the world these days while making sense of oneself is an overwhelming task for even the most mature adults. And when we are overwhelmed, we tend to break down in any number of ways. Depression, anxiety, substance abuse, eating disorders, and everything else are a result of kids not having the ability to process the stressors in their lives. Therapy is for processing. It can alleviate symptoms, but it can also be preventative.  

The Takeaway 

The biggest problem between teens and their parents comes down to this: They love each other so much it can be paralyzing. Teens care so much about their parents’ approval, that they’re afraid to fully share themselves. And parents care so much about their teens’ well-being, they’re afraid to get involved and mess it up.  

As the parent, you need to be brave and disrupt this cycle. I can’t promise it won’t be messy, but I can promise that letting go of the fears and embracing the mess will lead to a stronger connection between you and your teen. And a stronger connection with you will directly affect their overall well-being.  

Frustration. A feeling we often view as something to flee from! While frustration can be an uncomfortable feeling, it is also an important one. It can motivate us . . . to work harder, practice longer, and go after our goals. The downside? It doesn’t feel good. Extreme cases of frustration can even make us feel the need to “give-up” or “shut down”. What picture comes to mind when you think of frustration? A cartoon with smoke coming out of its ears? A sad emoji face? Did you know that there are actually MANY faces of frustration?! Take a moment and think about what you may look like when you’re feeling frustrated. How about your spouse or child . . . do you all have the same “look”, or is it different?

Feelings of Frustration

Just as we may LOOK different when we feel frustrated, we also FEEL differently. To understand how your child is feeling, take a look at the emotions that may arise for them (tip – consider which of these come up for you): Anger Sadness Helplessness Panic Annoyance Anxiety We are all human. We all get frustrated. Recognizing these frustrations and using strategies creates an opportunity for you to model positive coping skills for your child. Believe it or not, they are looking at us and watching our reactions all the time! Take a moment to reflect: ● How do you cope with your child’s frustrated feelings and reactions? ● Do you tend to catastrophize or/and over empathize with your child’s problem? ● Are you able to control your own reactions? Remember, children are incredibly perceptive. If you have difficulty holding their frustrated feelings, they will too! Help your child manage their frustrations by talking about what it looks like and feels like for them. Share what you notice when they are frustrated . . . does their reaction come in the form of a shut-down, outburst, avoidance? Help them put a name to their feelings and then explore the strategies that can help them feel more calm and grounded in the moment.

Coping Strategies

So what are some coping strategies to model? Here are a few simple, developmentally appropriate tools that you can use to support your child (and yourself) to handle day-to-day challenges. ● Take a deep breath (soup breath & belly breath are popular with my kiddos) ● Walk away ● Run a lap ● Name it to Tame it! – Dr. Daniel Siegel ● Drink water or eat a snack ● Approach situations with a growth mindset (Changing “I can’t do this!” to “I can’t do this, yet”) ● Support your child to consider the worst-case scenario AND how likely (or unlikely) that is to happen.

Practice, Practice, Practice

To help your child use these strategies when they need them most, they will need to practice them (during non-stressful times). You wouldn’t run a race without training first. Similarly, to help your child access calming strategies when they need them most, they will need to strengthen their emotional muscle memory! Remember, frustration is not the enemy or something to eradicate. It is part of what makes us human. When frustration rears its head for your child (or you ;)) just remember to notice, name and soothe.

by Paul Anderson, PhD, Psychologist, in Overland Park, KS

What Does a Well-Functioning American Family Look Like? The 5 Essential Ingredients of Optimal Family Life in a Culturally Diverse Society

Children must be shown and taught what is or is not acceptable in society. We are not born speaking a certain language, eating a certain diet, or interacting with family members in what are thought to be appropriate ways. Humans learn from their elders how to behave and conform to accepted cultural norms. Most of what we learn to do as civilized, law-abiding citizens comes from the modeling we see more than from direct instruction.

However, a person’s family life is configured by circumstances, ethnicity, and other conditions, and the parent figure(s) attempts to have a family that can produce and foster a viable next generation. Short story: parents want their children to grow up to be practical, adaptive, and able to sustain themselves as adults. The degree to which these outcomes occur for the kids is affected by the quality of the emotional and relationship environment kids grow up in.

5 Essential Ingredients for Cultivating Optimal Family Life

Here are the five foundational bones of well-functioning family life. More substance and elaboration can certainly be added, but an understanding of these basic traits will get you headed in the right direction.

1. Parents and adult role models demonstrate how to handle conflict, tolerate diversity and disagreement. Mutual respect of each family member prevents emotional abuse.

• Adults in the family understand and use rules of Fair Fighting.
• Clear, direct non-blaming communications are valued and used regularly. Active listening skills are taught to children. Skills sets for healthy expression of emotion are encouraged.
• Family members value understanding each other and reciprocal validation more than agreement and pushing for everybody to be on the same page.

2. Clear interpersonal boundaries are maintained in the family and outside the family in relationship to the larger communities such as neighborhood, state, and nation.

• A well-functioning or useful boundary clearly defines who is best suited to do what, with whom, when, where, and how. The family understands who the parents/adults are and who the children are and what’s expected of each in relation to other family members.
• Clear boundaries are maintained between the family and others defined as outside the family. The leaders in each family establish boundaries with short- and long-term consequences in mind. Boundaries may change over time to meet family and community needs or values as they change.
• Useful boundaries clarify responsibilities, obligations, and privileges. For example, family members in the role of adult or parent are responsible to raise the kids, pay the bills, and provide protection, not the children. The children are expected to play, go to school, and learn how to be socialized, productive adults. It is not their job to solve adult relationship issues.Kids play, compete, and cooperate more with their siblings than with their parents. Family members in the role of children are expected to obey family adults and house rules.Given mutual consent, parents have the prerogative to sexualize their relationship with each other as desired and may reproduce. Single parents meet their adult needs with other adults outside the family, not with children.

  At the same time, adults and parents in the family have the right/duty to make final decisions about family life. Families are not democracies.

3. Relationships in the family are valued, cultivated, and maintained with regular attention.

• Parents go on dates. Also, on a regular basis, each adult deliberately structures time with each child and cultivates one-on-one interactions.
• Siblings may squabble, but they need to have each other’s backs outside the family (say, at school).
• The family as a group does vacations and other family activities, building a deep and rich family life history and vault of cherished memories they can draw on when times are rough.

4. Children learn that, regardless of what goes on in their parent’s marriage (including divorce or separation), they can count on these four guaranteed facts:

• They are loved for who they are and are not expected to become clones or allies of either parent.
• While growing up, all their needs will be provided for by their parents, including provisioning, protection, and encouragement to pursue their unique destiny.
• Each parent has a relationship with each child that is unencumbered by the other parent in any way. Children are guaranteed minimal triangulation between their parents and are not used as go-betweens.
• Whatever happens in their parent’s marriage affects them to one degree or the other, but the marriage is none of their business: they did not cause it, they cannot control it, and they cannot change it. Proper boundaries dictate the marriage to be off-limits in all ways to the offspring of that marriage. Children don’t take sides with either parent or play the role of a substitute parental partner.

5. If or when relationships in the family are wounded or damaged, the parents/adults can demonstrate how to repair the damage.

• Children learn from what they see that it’s okay to seek emotional and mental health help, say “I’m sorry,” and deal with problems head on rather than with avoidance or denial. Parents model conflict resolution skills.
• Family members avoid blaming, judging, and criticizing each other for problems and troubles. Instead, they look at the part they play in the drama and work to improve that, rather than trying to point out each other’s faults and change them.
• Family members value and seek to enable growth, progress, and maturity in themselves and each other, not perfection.

6. Bonus Tip: What to Do When Your Family Is in a Hot-Mess Moment:

1. Parents/adults find healthy ways to get calm and stay calmer than the children.
2. As soon as possible, it is the parent/adult’s responsibility to call a family meeting. Everyone in the family must attend; no one is to be left out.
3. Openly, directly, and without blaming anyone, the crisis is discussed. Each family member is then asked to identify at least one appropriate thing they can do to restore calm and regular functioning to the family. The family leader(s) may find it useful to review the proper and useful roles and boundaries that apply to each family member.
4. Encourage members to remember and thank each person for the good they contribute to making the family a safe and supportive place to live.
5. Necessary solutions to identified problems are discussed. Family leaders use their wisdom and maturity to select the best solution(s) to problems at hand.
6. A follow-up family meeting may be scheduled to review and evaluate progress and make needed adjustments to solutions.

Aiming for Health in Your Family Life

To be sure, the above portrait of a well-functioning family errs on the side of idealism. However, with effort and persistence, movement towards these traits can happen. Give it your best shot and don’t give up. Conscious and mindful practice is required to gain and maintain clear, effective patterns of family interaction.

A family is an organic entity, living, breathing, and either growing or dying. It must be tended to, fed, protected, and nourished to be kept alive.

It never hurts to ask for a coach when learning new skills and procedures. You may wish to contact Paul W Anderson, PhD, or search for a family therapist near you for help and guidance.

by Mary Romm, Licensed Professional Counselor in Gloucester, VA

The Scoop on Parent-Child Interaction Therapy

Are these some of the thoughts inside your head?

“My child is out of control.”

“I don’t enjoy spending time with my kid anymore.”

“My kid hits/bites/kicks me.” 

“Another daycare kicked my child out today.”

Are you ready for help? 

Who PCIT Can Help

As a therapist, I’ve utilized Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) to help children ages 2-7 who have extreme behavioral challenges and seen them learn to listen and behave. I’ve used PCIT in my work with kids who had to wear a monitoring bracelet because they ran away so much, broke mirrors in a rage, and used the shards to carve up furniture, or parents were ready to commit them. Those same kids then listened to their parents, no longer engaged in extreme attention-seeking behaviors, and were able to calm down when they were upset and even talk about their feelings. I’ve seen it work with less intense cases, too, but those aren’t as fun to write about. PCIT works. 

PCIT can treat most concerns related to children’s behavior. This includes ADHD, anxiety disorder, autism spectrum disorder, oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), selective mutism, trauma-exposed children, and more.

So What Is PCIT?

Parent-Child Interaction Therapy is an evidence-based approach that has 50 years of research behind it. Research shows it keeps children out of therapy for up to seven years, when they hit adolescence and their brain begins to rewire. Lots of the skills you will learn in PCIT will always be relevant — many of them are as good with 6-year-old kids as they are with teens or even adults. PCIT is not a therapy where another adult takes your child and works with them for an hour before bringing them back to you, and you don’t know what they did in that hour. As a therapist, I love working with this age range because I know early intervention is key. (Also, angry 5-year-olds throwing chairs aren’t nearly as scary as angry 14- or 15-year-olds.)

How Does PCIT Work?

There are two phases to PCIT. The first phase is called Child-Directed Interaction, or CDI. I like to picture CDI as laying the stable foundation of a house. CDI teaches you the skills that play therapists use. It helps you begin to enjoy playing with your child again and learn how to manage their behavior with positive attention alone. In this first phase, you’ll already see a huge reduction in behavior issues due to the child receiving quality, purposeful time with the adult and the adult learning many new tactics to manage that child’s behavior without yelling or accidentally reinforcing the behavior. This is foundational work.

The second phase is called Parent-Directed Interaction, or PDI. PDI is where you get specific discipline skills to help you control your child’s behavior. Now that the relationship foundation is completely stable and your skills are memorized, we can move into learning how to consistently and effectively discipline your child.

Throughout PCIT, you’ll track the reduction in your child’s problematic behavior on a form called an Eyberg Child Behavior Inventory, or ECBI. As a parent, you get to rate your child’s behaviors and see how those behaviors change as treatment goes on.

Is PCIT Forever?

Great news! You will graduate from PCIT in as little as 3-6 months if you do the homework and work hard in sessions. PCIT is not a vague therapy where things end when it feels right; there are specific guidelines and instructions on how to graduate from therapy, all of which are parent-driven. 

How Does PCIT Compare to Other Therapies?

Ideally, because PCIT builds that strong foundation in the Child-Directed Interaction phase, it should be done before any other therapy, even before trauma therapy. Trauma therapy does include several PCIT elements; thus, it is done after PCIT. PCIT should especially be done before talk therapy, as PCIT has the research base behind it. Once kids feel safe and secure in their relationship with their parents, and once parents know how to consistently handle their child’s behaviors, then other therapies can be attempted. However, they usually are not needed at that point. 

Is PCIT Covered by Insurance?

Yes, as long as your insurance has mental health care coverage and your therapist accepts insurance or is able to be an out-of-network provider, PCIT should be covered.

 To learn more about PCIT, please visit this PCIT info page and PCIT International’s page for parents.

 If you live in Virginia and want to start online PCIT for your child, please visit check out Mary’s practice, Willow Tree Healing Center.  You can find more therapists who use PCIT by searching for therapists in your area and filtering your results by Type of Therapy > Parent-Child Interaction Therapy. 

by Dr. Jocelyn Markowicz, PhD, Psychologist in San Diego, CA

Girl Assertiveness Power: How to Teach Young Girls to Assert Their Power Like Amanda Gorman  

At the 2021 Presidential Inauguration, Amanda Gorman, a poet and activist, performed her poem “The Hill We Climb.” She shared these powerful words: “When day comes, we ask ourselves, where can we find light in this never-ending shade?” This line illuminated a shade that looms over our young girls, cloaking their voices within the darkness of unassertiveness. While Gorman’s performance spoke powerfully across a vast sea of change needed, her presence and assertiveness courageously inspired people all over the world to stand in the light of assertive power. How can we teach young girls to be more assertive despite their fear of being viewed as aggressive? 

Why Female Assertiveness Is Complicated

Research supports the benefits of individuals sharing their authentic thoughts and feelings in an assertive way (Eslami, Rabiei, Mohammad, Hamidizadeh, & Masoudi, 2016). Research also highlights the consequences women have faced when their assertiveness was incorrectly viewed as aggressiveness (Maloney & Moore, 2019). Considering the challenges faced when a woman embraces her assertive power, parents have seemingly been hesitant to encourage their daughters to be unabashedly assertive.

Why and How to Nurture Assertiveness in Girls

Why must there be a collective drive to teach young girls to be assertive? First, most people can admit that it is what they do not say that leads to increased anxiety, depression, and general dissatisfaction. While there can be consequences to being assertive or aggressive, people generally feel empowered after being brave enough to share their truth. How can you stay on the healthy side of authentic communication without crossing the line into perceived aggressiveness? How can you develop assertiveness in the face of real bias against assertive women? Young girls need help developing the power of their assertive voice and navigating the challenges that may result. Here are general behavioral TIPs to help.

Tone

To be an effective communicator, one must first have self-awareness. Is the young girl in your life someone who gets loud when she is excited about a topic of discussion? Is her voice is barely audible when she talks about something meaningful? Does it quaver when she discusses her honest feelings? If you are able to answer any of these questions, then you are somewhat aware of her natural way of communicating. Now, you must help her develop awareness of how changes in her tone may be affected by her feelings and may, in turn, affect her listener. 

When the brain experiences intense emotions, it does not process information as accurately as it does in a calmer state. The right tone matters, especially in moments of high emotional intensity. The right tone can deescalate a situation and allow the receiver of communication to process the information better and appraise the speaker more favorably (Helfrich & Weidenbecher, 2011). The wrong tone of voice can change the way the receiver codes the message as assertive or aggressive. An assertive tone can be passionate and intense with an air of calmness. An aggressive tone can also be passionate and intense, but typically has an air of uncertainty. An aggressive tone creates negative feelings in the receiver. A calm tone can create positive feelings, which means the message can be heard more clearly.

Information About the Message Receiver

 It is important to teach young girls how to know their audience. Help them think about who will be listening to what they have to say. Strong communicators can effectively speak to someone with a doctorate or someone who has a third-grade education. You can’t do that without awareness of the receiver’s capacity to receive and absorb the message. You may have something valuable to say, but if you deliver it in the wrong tone and with ineffective language, your message will not achieve the desired outcome. Knowing how to adjust based on your audience is a key skill for communicating effectively.

Our young girls need feedback. They need help understanding how their communication is received by their audience. Feedback can help them strengthen positive communication skills and weaken any negative communication delivery methods.

Posture 

Does the young girl in your life take up space when she is communicating, or does she get smaller? Does she make wild movements with her hands or hid them behind her back when she’s trying to assert herself? Behavioral positions cause natural reactions. Our brains decide if a person’s posturing is threatening or soothing. Thus, it is helpful to teach young girls to be aware of how their bodies respond when they are trying to communicate their authentic thoughts, and how their physical reactions might affect various audiences. A girl may have a lovely, impassioned message that could come across as aggressive to someone else based on their posture. While perceptions of posturing are fraught with bias, knowing how others might perceive her behavior can help young girls to develop flexibility and intention in their physical movements based on their audience.

Teaching the young girl in your life these behavioral TIPs is a start to helping her develop more lifelong assertiveness. It’s also important to expose her to assertive women.

Stock up on Books

Make sure to surround the young girl in your life with examples of women who have accomplished many things. I would invite you to devote a shelf in the home to fill with books about a variety of girls and women who have assertively accomplished their goals. Keep filling shelves up with wonderful stories of how important girls and women are in the world. Self-confidence inspires assertiveness. Also, be sure to include books by child and adult female authors who were assertive enough to write and publish their ideas. Here are some book recommendations:

• The Hill We Climb by Amanda Gorman
• The Book of Gutsy Women by Chelsea Clinton and Hillary Clinton
• Start Now! You Can Make a Difference by Chelsea Clinton
• She Persisted Around the World: 13 Women Who Changed History by Chelsea Clinton
• Dear Girl by Amy Krouse Rosenthal and Paris Rosenthal
• Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls by Rebel Girls, Francesca Cavallo and Elena Favilli
• The Bee Psychologist: I Wish My Mom Had Five Heads! by Liz Middle and Jocelyn Markowicz, Ph.D.
• Like a Girl by Lori Degman and Mara Penny
• A Good Kind of Trouble by Lisa Moore Ramee
• Ambitious Girl by Meena Harris

Target Conditions That Negatively Impact Assertiveness

As you are teaching the young girl in your life to practice assertive communication and filling up her mind with wonderful examples of assertiveness, you must also actively work to target conditions that may negatively impact her assertive communication progress. In order for her to experience the true power of her assertiveness, she’ll need your help to reduce anticipatory anxiety or behavioral-skill deficits associated with her unassertiveness (Speed, Goldstein, & Golfried, 2017). Untreated anxiety and depression are but two conditions that can impact a young girl’s confidence to assertively communicate her thoughts. 

Therapy is a great resource she may utilize to discuss challenges to her assertiveness and practice specific skills. Assertiveness training, which can be conducted in therapy, decreases anxiety, stress, and depression (Eslami, Rabiei, Mohammad, Hamidizadeh, & Masoudi, 2016). According to Eslami et al. (2016), unassertive behaviors are obstacles that strongly correlated with fears, worries, social anxieties, and various internal aggressions. An assertive person can create closer relationships with others, express a wide range of emotions without feeling guilty, stressful, or anxious or violating the rights of others. Young girls can develop into assertive women who change the world. As Amanda Gorman stated at the inauguration, ‘If only we’re brave enough to be it.’ We owe it to the young girls in our lives to help them to Be the It called an assertive communicator.

If the young girl in your life might benefit from therapy, start looking at options with our child therapist search. If you’re reading this and thinking you might need to work on yourself before you’ll really be ready to nurture assertiveness in someone else, begin your search for a therapist near you in our directory.

References

Read the full text of Amanda Gorman’s inaugural poem ‘The Hill We Climb’. (2021, January 20). Retrieved April 22, 2021, from https://www.cnbc.com/2021/01/20/amanda-gormans-inaugural-poem-the-hill-we-climb-full-text.html

Eslami, A.A., Rabiei,L, Mohammad, S.A., Hamidizadeh, S., and Masoudi, R. (2016). The Effectiveness of Assertiveness Training on the Levels of Stress, Anxiety, and Depression of High School Students. Iranian Red Crescent Medical Journal. Jan; 18(1): e21096.

Helfrich, Hede & Weidenbecher, Philipp. (2011). Impact of Voice Pitch on Text Memory. Swiss Journal of Psychology. 70. 85-93. 10.1024/1421-0185/a000042.

Maloney, M. E., & Moore, P. (2019). From aggressive to assertive. International journal of women’s dermatology, 6(1), 46–49. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijwd.2019.09.006

Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (2017). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice. https://doi.org/10.1111/cpsp.12216