Yelling is a topic that has meaning for everyone. All of us have raised our voices, probably more than once. No, I did not come from a home of screaming parents or siblings. However, I do see many families and couples who yell a lot at each other often, and the short and long-term consequences of regular yelling/screaming are not pretty. If you are experiencing this you may be wondering how can yelling be prevented in a relationship. Those of you who experience yelling on a regular basis know what I’m talking about.

Yelling at Children

Let’s start with the impact of yelling at children:

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1. Yelling at children teaches them how to yell, when to yell, and that yelling is an effective response to emotionally charged situations. By extension, it teaches them an ineffective way to process anger, as anger is usually associated with yelling.
2. Yelling scares most children—the younger the child, often the more fear they feel. In a state of fear it is next to impossible for a child to think about their mistake or misbehavior. If a child cannot think about their mistake, a child cannot learn from their mistake. Children are far less likely to learn the lesson you want them to learn when they are afraid. Instead of the lesson they might otherwise learn from natural, appropriate consequences associated with their mistake, they learn to be afraid. Fearful children often grow up to be fearful adults and parents. Sometimes they grow up to be yellers. No surprise.
3. Regularly yelling at a child before the age of three or four, or before they have an expansive developmental use of language, teaches them to replace useful language with yelling. In other words, a child will not learn useful, effective expression when yelling is their model. The short version is, “if mom and/or dad yell, then so can I.” They are too young to know better.

Helplessness

Not only is yelling learned from our own parents in some cases, it also means a parent probably feels helpless. It is a sign that a parent does not know a more effective alternative at that moment. Helplessness is a very powerful feeling, and when the brain reads the ‘helpless signal,’ so to speak, it will do almost anything to reduce it. The antidote to helplessness begins with a four step process, which will aide in reducing/stopping yelling at the kids:

1. Make a conscious, verbal decision to stop yelling.
2. Make the commitment to learn the skills necessary for replacing yelling with effective responses. Go to The Love and Logic Institute, and invest in their parenting CD’s, books & DVD’s. From that material you can learn those skills (no, I do not get residuals for recommending their remarkable material, but I’d appreciate it if you would tell them I sent you!). All you need to know about replacing yelling, and learning how to really enjoy parenting is there. OK, now that’s your skills toolbox. But, now you have to reduce the reactivity that precedes your yelling–that’s the hard part. Parents who effectively manage their emotional reactivity do not tend to yell.
3. If reactivity (which I will say more about below) and anger are problems for you, which frequently is the case with chronic yellers, professional counseling may be your best investment.
4. Try this new thought as a guide to changing your thinking about yelling as you consider making your decision to stop: “There is nothing a child can do that calls for yelling at them—unless it will literally save their life.”

By the way, in 29 years of practicing therapy, I’ve never met a parent who remarked: “Boy, do I regret not yelling at my kid, what a mistake that was.”

Yelling at Your Spouse / Partner

Yelling at your spouse/partner induces fear and can even create anxiety, just as it does in a child. Brain research has shown that it is very difficult to think while in a state of fear. If you want your partner to think about what you say, the odds for that increase when you speak in a way that does not produce fear. When your partner hears yelling, the brain reads it as DANGER, and your partner experiences fear. It (the brain) immediately goes in to some degree of fight or flight mode—how much depends on the amount of perceived threat. The behavior from your partner at that point will probably range from yelling back/defensiveness (fight mode) to silence/withdrawal (flight mode). Neither will produce a satisfactory outcome.

Fight mode is sometimes referred to as “reactive.” In fight or reactive mode we tend to say things we regret or wish we could take back, which, of course calls for repair. Part of this pattern often includes your partner reacting defensively and/or critically when yelled at. That defensiveness triggers more frustration, anger and lashing out. Without knowing what to do, or how to respond differently, the cycle is repeated, and both partners suffer and struggle with a broken or unsatisfactory conflict management process. The next time an issue surfaces it will be anticipated with dread.

Flight mode is also referred to as silence/withdrawal. In flight mode, two common options arise: One, you either do not know what to say due shutting down with fear; or, two, you may know exactly what you want to say, but, you say nothing because a part of you believes that what you think and/feel is unimportant, so why bother. Either way you have no voice. In the end, both you and your partner are probably angry, hurt, disappointed and frustrated, and blaming the other for the “breakdown in communication.”

More accurately, there was no “breakdown in communication,” per se. In fact, there was plenty of communication, too much of it ineffective. More significant was the breakdown in reactivity management. All the good communication skills in the tool bag will be of little use in the face of unchecked or poorly managed reactivity. Why might professional counseling helpful at this point? Because chronic ineffectively managed reactivity almost always has some roots in our early history. A competent marital therapist can help connect early roots to current events, finish some old business, and help you develop reactivity management alternatives.

Yelling Alternatives

I am aware that many of you prefer counseling as a last resort. If that’s the case, on your own, try the following:

1. Before you begin your discussion, each of you verbally acknowledge your willingness to break the pattern that is not working. It might sound like this: “The last time we discussed this, I did not react effectively. I am going to try some new behaviors.”
2. Next, each of you openly acknowledge to your partner how you aspire to be during the discussion. If you tend to be the yeller, acknowledge that you aspire to be calm, and what new behavior you plan to employ if you begin to feel activated. You might say, for example, “I’m starting to feel like I want to yell, my frustration is building, I would like to stop for a few minutes so that I can get calm again.” THAT WOULD BE NEW BEHAVIOR. If you begin to feel activated, take responsibility for it—do not blame your partner. What ever new behavior you decide to try, let it be known in advance of the discussion. No surprises, unless they’re pleasant ones.
3. Hold yourself to the healthy code of conduct to which you aspire; let your partner do the same for him/herself. How you aspire to be is all you have control over.
4. In advance, put a time limit on the length of the discussion. If you each feel comfortable continuing on, agree to another time limit. Repeat as necessary.
5. When either of you call for a time out, especially to lower your reactivity, decide on a time to resume. This reduces the chances of avoiding your way out of the discussion entirely.
6. After the discussion, and only if you both agree to, analyze YOUR own respective roles in how the discussion went. Talk about yourself, unless complimenting your partner. Determine where you might become more effective, and tell your partner. Focus on your behavior, not your partner’s.

Good luck in your attempts to break this difficult pattern. It’s not easy. The fact that you are making an attempt builds trust and self-confidence.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,
Jim Hutt

In the wake of terror attacks and acts of violence around the world—such as the white supremacy demonstrations in Charlottesville, Virginia, that led a man to plough a vehicle into a crowd of counter-protesters, killing a woman—many parents may be unsure how to talk to their children about the news.

The American Academy of Pediatrics offers parents several tips. The discussion, the organization says, should begin by asking children what they already know. Parents should offer encouragement and reassurance, maintain a consistent routine, and shield young children from graphic images of violence. They should also monitor children for signs of depression and trauma, such as sleep, behavioral issues, and changes in eating habits.

Many want to talk with their children about race in a way that raises a child’s consciousness without being frightening. Most experts emphasize the need to be honest in an age-appropriate way. Parents must also explore their own feelings about race and racism before attempting to educate their children. Like other challenging conversations, ignoring the issue won’t make it go away. Rather than having one conversation, parents should begin as early as possible, have frequent discussions, and maintain open lines of communication.

The Psychology of the Eclipse: ‘You Just Feel Connected With Everybody’

[fat_widget_right]As excitement about Monday’s solar eclipse increases, some mental health experts say the eclipse can foster a connection. Experiencing something out of the ordinary can break down the usual barriers to connection, fostering a sense of unity and closeness—even with strangers.

Some Companies Want You to Take a Mental Health Day

A mental health day can be as important for good health and job satisfaction as sick leave. Yet, many workers are reluctant to tell their managers they need one. Some companies now encourage employees to take mental health days, citing increases in productivity and job satisfaction among employees with good mental health.

What’s Worse Than Being Unemployed? A Bad Job, Say Researchers

Many workers think long-term unemployment is the most stressful job experience they can have. According to new research, however, staying in a bad job might be worse. Researchers followed people who were unemployed during 2009 and 2010. Those who took “poor quality work” had higher stress levels than those who remained jobless.

Rand Study Recommends Improvements to Mental Health Care for Service Members

A new Rand Corporation study suggests lack of access to quality mental health care remains an issue for current and former soldiers. The study, which surveyed 520 providers, found less than half were able to see people with depression or posttraumatic stress (PTSD) weekly. Instead, they saw these people biweekly or less. This suggests soldiers may not get the consistent care they need to see improvements in mental health.

How White Supremacists Use Victimhood to Recruit

Research on white supremacist groups suggest their members see themselves—not the minority groups they target—as the real victims. They believe white people are the real targets for systemic oppression. In other words, they are prevented from expressing their “white pride,” their victimization erodes self-esteem, and the ongoing victimization of white groups is part of a plan to eliminate the white “race.”

Now, Manage Your Mental Health and Chronic Conditions With an App

A new smartphone app promises to help middle-age and older adults manage their physical and mental health. The app, which is designed to meet the average technical abilities of older adults, involves three months of training in 10 sessions. The sessions cover health topics such as stress, medication and substance abuse, and the role of mental health in physical health.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My mom is nearing 70. She was widowed four years ago, and ever since then she seems to have given up on life. She barely leaves her house, doesn’t want to socialize or make friends, and has even started smoking again, despite being a lung cancer survivor. She falls asleep in her chair at 3 a.m., sleeps until after noon, feeds her dogs, then watches TV the rest of the day and night. She used to love cooking; now she eats cereal for dinner half the time. She used to love sewing; her sewing machine is collecting dust. She used to have many friends; some have died off, some are out of state, and she has no motivation to seek more. Yet she professes that she is lonely. Well, do something about it! Instead, she relies more on her children and guilt trips us if we don’t meet her needs—if we don’t call all the time or visit, to her we don’t care. (None of her kids live within an hour’s drive and we all have demanding jobs and families.)

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I’ve done some reading and I think she’s clearly depressed. I know she feels like her life has been gutted now that her husband isn’t in it. She has no one to take care of anymore, and probably feels a lack of purpose. That’s why my siblings and I are so adamant that finding one would be in her best interests: volunteer, go to church … something! But she refuses.

I really think therapy would benefit her, but (as you might imagine) she is opposed to the idea, saying there is nothing wrong with her. I tried to tell her that going to therapy doesn’t mean there’s necessarily something wrong with her, that it can support her healing from her grief and move on with her life, but she just isn’t buying it. I tell her that moving forward and living her life is what her husband would have wanted, and she agrees, but nothing ever happens. She is very set in her ways. I feel helpless, like I am watching my mother die right before my eyes. And I am angry she won’t help herself, since she is the only one who can. Any suggestions or advice for me? —Helpless Here

Dear Helpless,

The sadness, anger, and helplessness you feel are palpable. You are clearly very concerned about your mother, and based on your description of her, it does seem possible she is depressed and she might very well benefit from therapy. You can see all of this quite clearly, but she cannot—and that must be quite frustrating for you.

I imagine the feeling of “watching your mother die right before your eyes” evokes many feelings, even beyond feelings of concern for your mother’s health and well-being. You are likely dealing with your own feelings of loss of the woman your mother once was, and looking to the future with concern about your actual loss of her through death.

I wonder if engaging in your own therapy could be helpful for you. I imagine the feeling of “watching your mother die right before your eyes” evokes many feelings, even beyond feelings of concern for your mother’s health and well-being. You are likely dealing with your own feelings of loss of the woman your mother once was, and looking to the future with concern about your actual loss of her through death. Sometimes, these kinds of experiences can also raise feelings about your own mortality.

It also sounds like you are trying to change your mother’s behavior. While it is certainly understandable to want better for her, you cannot force her to do anything. Trying to force someone to do something, even if it is something that would be good for them, is almost always a recipe for frustration. Engaging in your own therapy might be helpful in accepting that no matter what you do, your mom might not seek therapy or take steps to heal. Once you accept that you cannot make your mom get well, you may be better able to identify what you can do to help her, and more comfortable stopping there and leaving it in her hands.

It sounds like your mom is expecting you and your siblings to do a lot, maybe more than is reasonable. When you’re unable to be what she needs at any given time, the “guilt-tripping” you describe can be a lot to bear. If you do, in fact, feel any guilt—reasonably or otherwise—therapy may also help you deal with that, along with any resentment the guilt-tripping behavior might elicit.

Finally, engaging in your own therapy might be helpful for your mom, too. You could be a good model of a healthy, functional person seeking therapy simply because you are struggling through a difficult life situation and trying to find ways to cope with it. You could talk to her about the value you find in therapy and how it helps you. She might even see it in potential changes in the way you relate to her.

I wish you peace and healing in this very difficult time.

Best wishes,

Sarah

“I’ve been fine for years. Now I have nightmares every night and can barely function at work. What’s going on?”

“I thought I was over it. I even went to therapy as a kid! Why is it all coming back again?”

“I feel like I’m falling apart, but the abuse was years ago. Does this mean I’m getting worse?”

One of the first things survivors of sexual abuse ask me when they come into my therapy office is, “Why now? Why are these feelings and memories coming back now?” Often, the underlying question is, “I was fine before, but now I’m struggling. Am I going crazy?”

If you’re having this experience—being suddenly overwhelmed by a past trauma—let me reassure you the same way I reassure the people I work with in my office. No, you’re not going crazy! As difficult as it may be to believe, a sudden reemergence of old feelings is often a sign that you’re ready to heal on a deeper level.

Recovery from Trauma Happens in Stages

Healing from a trauma such as sexual assault or abuse happens in stages. In the first few days after an assault, we tend to shut down because the emotions feel so overwhelming that we can deal with them only in small doses. For ongoing sexual abuse or molestation, this shutdown state may last for the entire time the abuse occurs. Eventually, in the days, weeks, and months after an assault occurred or the abuse ends, we usually find ways to “put the past behind us,” to regulate our emotions and to build a stable life. We may still experience some triggers or have some nightmares, and we don’t typically forget about what happened, but over the years we start to feel “normal.”

Then, sometimes, all those feelings come roaring back. What’s going on?

When the fear, the anger, the sadness, the helplessness, the heartache—all the emotions that were perhaps too painful, too complicated, or just “too” in the immediate aftermath of the trauma—suddenly reemerge, your new task is to sit with those emotions and let them have their say.

In my experience as a therapist, what’s happening is that some deep, inner part of you finally feels safe and stable enough to address the leftover emotional fallout that’s been patiently waiting for years. Your job right after the trauma and in the years since the trauma occurred has been to find stability. You developed successful coping mechanisms that let you function in the world without falling apart. Those are invaluable skills that are going to get you through the next part of your recovery.

You Are Strong Enough to Feel Vulnerable Now

When the fear, the anger, the sadness, the helplessness, the heartache—all the emotions that were perhaps too painful, too complicated, or just “too” in the immediate aftermath of the trauma—suddenly reemerge, your new task is to sit with those emotions and let them have their say. They’ve been patiently waiting for you to develop the strength to cope with them successfully, and if they’ve shown up for you now, after all this time, they think you’re finally ready. You are strong enough to feel vulnerable for a while.

So what do you do? How do you cope without getting overwhelmed?

• Know that you are not regressing or going “crazy.” Reassure yourself that these seemingly new emotions are a normal part of the trauma-recovery process and that they won’t stick around forever. These emotions don’t mean you’re moving backward in your healing or that you’ll always feel this way. There is an end!
• Recognize that “the only way out is through.” These emotions will go away, but only after you let yourself feel them. Emotions give us valuable information about ourselves and the world, so you need to learn to listen to them. This is your opportunity to learn that skill.
• Go slowly. If all these emotions feel overwhelming and scary, you can take them in small doses. I often recommend setting a timer for 15 or 10 or even five minutes every day, and using that time to feel whatever you’re feeling right then. When the timer goes off, stop. (This is where your strength comes in!) It may be hard to feel at first, or hard to stop feeling, but that’s why you’re practicing. This exercise helps you build confidence that you can turn off the flood of emotions, which can help reduce anxiety about letting yourself feel.
• Give yourself credit for your progress. As you work through this stage of the healing process, you may find yourself caught up in one emotion for a while. You may go through a week-long period of sadness, for example, or a month of feeling really angry. People sometimes feel stuck when this happens and forget that they haven’t always felt that way and are therefore not likely to feel that way forever. Keeping a journal or talking about your feelings with a supportive loved one can help you see that you’re moving forward.

If you need additional support or resources, a therapist specializing in trauma recovery can help. If you need immediate help regarding sexual assault or abuse and you’re in the United States, you can call the 24-hour National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) for support, resources, and referrals.

Related Reading: 

• Can You Have Trauma Symptoms Without Experiencing Trauma?

• 4 Steps to Erasing the Trauma of Painful Memories

• Trauma and Re-Experiencing: The Intrusion of Past into Present
• Resensitization: Coming Back to Life after Trauma

Most of us experience work stress, but can too many responsibilities, unrealistic expectations, and personality conflicts at work lead to an experience of trauma victimization over time?

In my years of private psychotherapy practice, I’ve seen several cases where individuals experience signs similar to posttraumatic stress as a result of work problems. In the beginning, I found this slightly odd. I wondered: could negative work experiences really lead to reactions similar to trauma experiences, like war or sexual assault? Lately, in conversations with colleagues, I’ve discovered this is fairly common, particularly in certain professions.

How Your Work Environment Can Leave You Feeling Victimized

I recently interviewed Arkansas professional counselor Rev. Rebecca Spooner, an ordained minister who left ministry to become a therapist. She specializes in counseling pastors and their families, and said that feeling victimized and traumatized by their work environment is relatively common among members of the clergy. Rev. Spooner explained that the demands and expectations of modern ministry set pastors up for personal failure and emotional trauma.

“The paradigms in ministry are flawed,” Spooner said. “A hundred years ago, pastors had four jobs: marry, bury, baptize, and preach on Sunday. Today, ministers are expected to be marriage therapists and grief counselors, organizational leaders, facilities and staff managers, marketing coordinators, community relations specialists, bloggers, motivational speakers, spiritual teachers, salespeople (increasing membership and giving), budget managers, visit the sick, be a friend, and serve on regional committees! It’s completely unrealistic. It sets everyone up for disappointment.”

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These experiences are similar to what’s happening in private companies in recent times, particularly since the economic crash of 2008. Companies have laid off people and expect those who remain to do more work for less pay. New performance measures are adding pressure, and employees are micromanaged. Among the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) referrals I see in my office, stress related to new and unrealistic work performance expectations ranks at the top of the list.

The people who see me for help with work-related stress have complaints that are similar to what Rev. Spooner sees among clergy: insomnia, irritability, mood swings, anger, feelings of disappointment and disillusionment about their career and employer, confusion about why they are unable to meet the demands placed on them, hopelessness, anxiety and fear, fatigue, muscle tension, family problems, feelings of isolation, ineffective coping, and substance abuse. It’s a long list! Work stress is a big problem in America.

Many of us are familiar with trauma reactions after major catastrophes, but few of us realize that a work environment characterized by unrealistic demands, personality conflicts, and limited free time for leisure can, over time, create an experience of victimization.

3 Ways Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Can Help

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helps individuals shift from perceiving themselves as having little control over their circumstances to becoming empowered to either change outside pressures or learn to cope with and relate to them differently. With practice, CBT techniques can help reduce stress and anxiety, improve mood, and increase confidence.

CBT treatment has helped ministers reduce the experience of stress and trauma caused by the challenges of their profession. These same techniques can also help most people heal from various traumatic and emotionally difficult situations. CBT reduces distress and helps to restore emotional balance. Here are three techniques from cognitive behavioral therapy to use in your own life.

1. Learn to identify the thoughts that increase your anxiety and your self-doubt. A large majority of individuals who come to see me for anxiety therapy are quite surprised when I mention that their thoughts are likely causing their anxiety. Most people believe anxiety is something that happens to them, something over which they have no control. But in fact, how we talk to ourselves about the situations we face has a great deal to do with how we feel. For example, if a minister tells herself that because her church is not growing she is not an effective leader and has failed God, she is likely to feel emotionally upset and believe that she is not capable of growing the church. By repeating self-defeating thoughts in her head, her self-esteem erodes. Eventually, she may just give up trying altogether and become depressed. This is the trick trauma plays on us: it tells us that something is wrong with us and that we are helpless, but most of the time our thoughts are not true.
2. Dispute the thought. Once you’ve identified the anxiety-producing or self-defeating thought, it’s time to dispute it. Here’s an example: “If I don’t grow the church, I’ll get fired.” Let’s examine if that thought is true. In most denominations, firing a pastor takes effort. First, the leadership of the church has to vote that they have lost confidence in the pastor. Then, they have to bring the issue to a congregational vote. In many cases, a national mediator becomes involved to help resolve the conflict and improve the employee/employer relationship between the church and the pastor. So the thought, “If I don’t grow the church, I’ll get fired” is not exactly true. What’s much more likely to happen is that if the church is not growing and leaders are dissatisfied, a conversation will occur about why that’s happening. And hopefully, that conversation will lead to solutions. Notice your own thoughts and question them. Are they true? How do you know for sure? What are some alternative explanations that might be more true?
3. Learn to relax. The third CBT technique that Rev. Spooner uses is relaxation training. When we learn to relax the tension in our muscles and reduce the speed of our thoughts, our brains function better. They see things more clearly. Gen. Colin Powell has a rule. He tells himself, “It ain’t as bad as you think. It will look better in the morning.” That’s partly because when our brains are rested, we see situations differently. Relaxation training can teach you to rest your brain. My personal hope is that one day, we will collectively learn to be realistic about our demands and expectations of people and be kinder to one another. Until then, if you find yourself feeling victimized, excessively pressured, or doubt your worth or abilities, try CBT. It really can help!

The ongoing dispute in Congress over a recent pay equality bill has reignited discussions about discrimination in the workplace. As political pundits debate the causes of discrimination, minority groups who live with unfair treatment experience the consequences. Disparate treatment isn’t just a moral problem, though. It can also lead to serious individual and societal consequences.

No. 1: Poor Performance

People who are exposed to stereotypes about their group tend to live up to those stereotypes, often leading to poor performance. A concept called “stereotype threat” explains this phenomenon. Numerous studies have found that, when a member of a minority group is reminded of a stereotype about his or her group, that person is more likely to under-perform. A woman who reads a book claiming that women are innately bad at math immediately prior to taking a standardized test, for example, will likely do worse on the test than she otherwise would.

Stereotype threat is so strong that sometimes minorities do not even need to be reminded of a stereotype. Simply drawing attention to group membership—by asking them to check the sex or race box on a test—can trigger stereotype threat.

No. 2: Physical Health Problems

It should come as no surprise that discrimination is stressful to those who experience it. Doctors already know that stress increases the lifetime risk of heart attack, stroke, cancer, diabetes, and a host of other health and medical issues. New research suggests that discrimination-related stress may be even more dangerous.

A 2008 study found that, among African-Americans, race-related stress was a stronger predictor of health problems than other sources of stress. Such research may help shed light on ongoing health disparities between whites and blacks. On average, white men live about seven years longer than black men, and racial minorities are more vulnerable to chronic health problems and terminal illnesses. Perhaps such disparities are the direct result of a lifetime of stress.

[fat_widget_right]No. 3: Mental Health Problems

Discrimination is inherently stressful, and stress increases a person’s risk for developing depression, anxiety, and similar mental health challenges. The rates of anxiety issues are significantly higher among women than men, and women are more than twice as likely as men to develop posttraumatic stress.

While a variety of factors play a role in these differences, discrimination could be one. Women are significantly more likely to suffer abuse than men, with one in three women experiencing a sexual assault at some point in her life. Such abuse is a significant risk factor for posttraumatic stress, and may also play a role in other mental health challenges.

No. 4: Drug Use

The U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration estimates that drug abuse costs in excess of $500 billion annually. Discrimination may be one factor that helps inflate this number. A 2010 study found that the experience of gender discrimination increased a woman’s likelihood of using hard drugs, even when a woman didn’t report experiencing stress as a result of such discrimination.

No. 5: Self-Sabotage

When people doubt their ability to perform well, they may develop explanations to explain poor performance that don’t harm their self-esteem. One common mechanism is self-sabotage. For example, a student who worries about his ability to do well on a math test might go out drinking the night before so that he can blame his poor performance on a hangover. Several recent studies have shown that the experience of discrimination increases the likelihood of self-sabotage.

One of the most unfortunate consequences of of discrimination is that they may serve to increase discrimination. A minority student who repeatedly sabotages himself may be blamed for his under-performance, even when such self-sabotage is his way of coping with racism. A woman who experiences sexual violence might develop posttraumatic stress or turn to drugs.

Such mental health consequences could then be used to justify denying the woman resources or opportunities. By becoming more aware of the risks of discrimination, it’s possible to minimize its effects and steadily work toward a world free of oppression.

References:

1. Chakraborty, A. (2002). Does racial discrimination cause mental illness? The British Journal of Psychiatry, 180(6), 475-477. doi: 10.1192/bjp.180.6.475
2. Discrimination may harm your health. (2012, January 16). Retrieved from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/01/120112134332.htm
3. Fox, M. (2012, April 17). Study shows why US blacks die younger. Retrieved from http://www.nationaljournal.com/healthcare/study-shows-why-us-blacks-die-younger-20120417
4. Physiological & psychological impact of racism and discrimination for African-Americans. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/pi/oema/resources/ethnicity-health/racism-stress.aspx
5. Ro, A., & Choi, K. (2010). Effects of gender discrimination and reported stress on drug use among racially/ethnically diverse women in Northern California. Women’s Health Issues, 20(3), 211-218. doi: 10.1016/j.whi.2010.02.002
6. Substance abuse prevention dollars and cents: A cost-benefit analysis [PDF]. (2008). Washington, D.C.: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.
7. What are the consequences of stereotype threat? (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.reducingstereotypethreat.org/consequences.html
8. Women, trauma, and PTSD. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/PTSD-overview/women/women-trauma-and-ptsd.asp

Being stalked can be paralyzingly frightening. Victims aren’t traumatized just once; they’re perpetually unsettled by attempts at contact and often begin to feel like there’s no safe place to go.

The Bureau of Justice Statistics reports that about three million people are stalked every year, most by people they know—often a former intimate partner. As many as 10% of stalking victims fear for their lives, and all victims face massive disruptions to their routines. While stalking, like domestic violence, has been around for generations, it has been only in recent years that the issue has been taken seriously, and many victims may be hesitant to seek help.

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What Is Stalking?

At its core, stalking consists of repeated attempts to gain control over or terrorize someone. Stalking exists on a continuum. On the lower end, it might involve repeated phone calls, letters, or email contacts. In its more extreme manifestations, however, stalking might involve repeatedly going to a person’s house, making threats against a person, harming pets, stealing possessions, or interfering with a person’s relationships with friends, family, or coworkers. Stalkers may alternate between patterns of domestic violence and stalking.

Each state establishes its own legal criteria for stalking. Laws generally require multiple unwanted contacts and mandate that a victim fear for his or her safety. A coworker who comes back to see a person at his or her office daily, for example, would not be stalking, and a secret admirer who sends flowers once per week is not necessarily a stalker. Repeated contacts rise to the level of stalking when they’re designed to gain power over a person and cause emotional terror.

Why Do People Stalk?

Stalkers often emphasize that they “love” their victims and occasionally say they stalk to keep others safe. For example, an abusive ex-husband might say he stalks his ex-wife to ensure she’s properly caring for their children. Psychologically, however, stalking is a crime of control. Stalkers see their victims as possessions who are rightfully theirs, and stalking behavior is frequently activated by a breakup or an ex-partner’s new relationship.

Some mental health issues can lead to stalking. People with personality issues such as a borderline personality diagnosis may have trouble letting go of relationships and sometimes use manipulative tactics to control people. Erotomania is a delusion in which a person believes that another person—often a celebrity—is in love with him or her, and this can lead to stalking. However, not all stalkers have mental health conditions, and the overwhelming majority are men. Cultural and gender norms may contribute to stalking behavior.

What Can Victims Do to Get Help?

If you’re being stalked, don’t make excuses for the stalker or tell yourself you are overreacting. Tell a friend or family member what’s happening so you have a support person and a witness. If you are in immediate danger or are being followed, dial 911. There’s no price for overreacting, but underreacting to stalking can, in extreme cases, be fatal. Other things you can do to remain safe:

• Change your routine frequently so that it is more difficult for your stalker to find you.
• Instruct friends, family, and employers not to give out information about you without your express permission.
• Keep a log of every incident so you have evidence if you need to press charges.
• Seek a restraining order against the stalker, and call the police immediately if he or she violates the order.

References:

1. Help for victims. (n.d.). Stalking Resource Center. Retrieved from http://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center/help-for-victims
2. King, M. W., & Sivak, A. (n.d.). Stalking: New studies shed light on a crime that terrorizes its victims. National Crime Prevention Council. Retrieved from http://www.ncpc.org/programs/catalyst-newsletter/catalyst-newsletter-2009/volume-30-number-11/stalking-a-new-study-sheds-light-on-a-crime-that-repeatedly-terrorizes-its-victims
3. Stalking. (n.d.). National Institute of Justice. Retrieved from http://www.nij.gov/topics/crime/stalking/
4. Stalking. (n.d.). USDOJ: Office on Violence Against Women: Crimes of Focus: Stalking. Retrieved from http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/aboutstalking.htm

Some people come to therapy full of negativity and anger toward parents whom they hold responsible for the way they feel and the lives they live. For example, they might explain their difficulties in relationships by referring to a parent’s emotional coldness, criticalness, or divorce. Or they will fault a parent’s lack of encouragement and involvement when they were growing up for their failure to do well academically or professionally. Blaming parents for their struggles keeps these people stuck in angry, anxious, and depressed feelings, and interferes with their ability to think about what they could do to make their lives different.

“Gloria” came to her first therapy session with me and immediately began to talk. Sounding irritated, she explained, “I’m here because I can’t take it anymore. I hate my life. I’m either angry or depressed. I’m 29 years old and I haven’t been in a relationship for more than three months. I can’t seem to keep my jobs for much more than a year. For nine months, I’ve been working as an assistant in a recruiting firm where I answer phones and type résumés. I know I’m smarter than that, but I don’t know what else I want to do. I seem to go from one dead-end job to another. I’m such a loser.” Then Gloria sobbed, “I am just so stuck.”

Gloria began therapy. She typically entered my office with heaviness and depression, and talked about how miserable her life was and how hopeless she felt. She believed that nothing could change. When I asked her why, she thought she was stuck in this awful place, her lethargic demeanor changed to anger, and her voice turned strong.

“How could I change?” she said. “It’s all about my childhood. My parents separated when I was 5. My father left the house and I rarely saw him. Sometimes he would take me for a weekend, but I never believed he really wanted to. He met this woman, Fran, and all he ever talked about was her. They got married when I was 7, and then he moved to another state. I would visit them three or four times a year. She had two daughters. I could see how much he loved Fran. He never looked at me like that. He would criticize how I dressed and compare me to my stepsisters. I hated them. I could never get anything right, and they were so pretty and perfect, and I could see they were the children he wanted. When I would go home to my mother and complain, she would hardly listen. She never seemed very interested in me, either. She had a big, important job, and as I grew up, I didn’t see so much of her. She never got very involved in anything I did. She would even get nasty and critical if I told her about something good that happened. I remember when I told her that I had been asked to run for class secretary in middle school. She laughed at me and said, ‘You’ll never get elected, so you shouldn’t run. You’re just not popular enough.’ I believed everything she said about me, so I didn’t run. By middle school she had a serious boyfriend and she was always with him and never had time for me. I never thought I was good enough for much. When I think about it now, I can see my mother was really into herself and I think she was competitive with me. I don’t think she wanted me to succeed or dress well or have boyfriends. I guess she is still getting her way.”

The more I learned about Gloria’s childhood, the more I could understand why it was so difficult for her to have positive feelings about herself and to believe that if she worked at something, she could succeed. She consistently assumed people’s responses toward her would be negative personally and professionally. While her expectations were understandable in light of her childhood experiences, she was able, when pushed, to come up with memories of positive relationships, work experiences, and even good feelings about herself. Nevertheless, these exceptions to what she anticipated did not go very far in allowing her to step back and consider that she was not (in her words) “doomed to fail.”

It became clear to me that Gloria was stuck in blaming her parents for how she saw herself and how her life turned out. What made it so hard for her to move on? Was there some risk in letting go of her anger? Was there a downside to not living up to what she saw as her parents’ view of her? Was there something positive in it for her to blame her parents? These were the questions that occurred to me as I listened to Gloria, who presented herself repeatedly as a victim who would always be at the mercy of the impact of her past treatment by her parents.

I began to raise these questions to Gloria, who became curious about them. She began to consider the risks of letting go of her anger and blame. She talked about worrying that she would be letting her parents “off the hook” if she stopped blaming them or being angry. “They know how I feel and I like to think I make them feel guilty,” she said. “When I was a kid, they never seemed to expect me to amount to much. They’ve gotten what they wanted, but I do think I’ve managed to finally make an impact. I think I’ve succeeded in making them feel guilty. If my life got better, maybe they wouldn’t feel so bad or guilty. I feel bad and I want them to feel bad.”

At first, when Gloria continued to talk about her desire to hurt her parents, she smiled and said, “Now that I understand that this is what I’m doing, I have to say that revenge is sweet.” She would also get angry in our sessions and acknowledge that this new awareness created a real conflict for her. “Rationally, I get that it’s me,” she said. “I can see that I think my parents are responsible for my being a failure. They made me this way, so I’ll be the loser they created. I want to hurt them. I guess I could work on getting the life I’m always moaning that I’ve never had, and I know that would be the best thing for me. But I just don’t want to give them any good stuff.”

As we continue to talk about this conflict, which creates great anguish for Gloria, she has not been able to choose to work on giving up her anger and blame. However, she is considerably less attached to viewing her life through the lens of doom and failure caused by her parents. She has begun to take some steps to get more for herself. She has gotten a promotion to recruiter, and has made a placement that will double her income this year. She has also enrolled in a management class at a local college. We’ve even begun to talk about online dating. As Gloria continues to work in therapy, I believe she will achieve more for herself and gradually be able to see her identity in a new way and identify less and less as a victim. As she allows herself to experience the satisfactions of success, I am hopeful that the pleasure of revenge will be less gratifying.

My work with Gloria is just one illustration of the ways in which blaming your parents can keep you stuck. There is a terrible paradox in these situations: You are angry and blame your parents’ treatment of you growing up for your unhappiness and failures in your adult life. But the wish for revenge and these angry, blaming feelings keep the connection and repeat the relationship between your “bad parents” and you, the unsuccessful, unhappy child. As a result, you are stuck in the position where you cannot become the person you say you wish to be or create the life you say you desire.

“Take a look at the bright side,” we tell our loved ones when they’re feeling down. “See the cup half full, not half empty.” We help lift our friends by saying, “Cheer up! Don’t dwell in the negative. Be grateful. Think about all that you have.” If it seems our friends suffer from low self-esteem, we extol their virtues and exclaim, “People are attracted to positivity in others. Think positive thoughts and good things will happen to you.”

We draw upon a large base of common wisdom in order to combat the slings and arrows of existence. And some of the time, we do all right. When a person carries a cheerful spirit into a room, there is a terrific splendor that is contagious. We support one another. We lend one another positive strength when needed.

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With all its potential for good, positive thinking can at times act as an oppressive tyrant, an enemy of happiness. After all, if the solution were so straightforward, if we could think our way into happiness, then our world wouldn’t be riddled with chronic misery. The mandate to be positive and cheerful in our culture is so pervasive and powerful, even people in psychotherapy feel a tremendous burden in simply communicating uncomfortable feelings to their therapists. Everyday popular treatment of emotions is hardly hearing someone out.

The darker social message of an individual who insists on surrounding himself or herself exclusively with positive energy sounds something like this: “Don’t whine. You sound like a baby. Get over it.” The culture of positivity often forgets the need for the yin and yang, the harmony of opposites. It can squash the voices of hurt, dissent, disagreement, and injustice. Even more oppressive: “You are weak. You’re taking on a victim mentality. Don’t be a victim.” The unwitting oppression marginalizes the voices of victims—victims of trauma, of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.

The fact is painful experiences can be uncomfortable to listen to. Nobody wants to upset their friends and family with feelings of discomfort. So, people become terrified of identifying as a victim. They deny trauma they have endured in order to spare “burdening” loved ones. They fear being considered weak because they are being asked to do something impossible—to get over it and move on. But in the case of trauma, the attempt to forget about it is the problem. Those who are identified as “victims” in our culture display exceptional bravery, refusing to act as though their hurt has disappeared, succumbing to the majority’s desire for them to get over it. One cannot simply “move on.” To live a fully human life, one must embrace the good and the bad in themselves and others.

It is true that some people dwell in cycles of negativity. But how do we know when we should or shouldn’t attempt to lift them from their sorrows? The key is learning how to listen. At times a person needs to endure a feeling, state, or mood in order to grow. What the person needs is compassion—a trusted other to listen while he or she endures his or her difficulties. Attempts to redirect the other toward positivity may be well intended, but may also lack compassion. Advocating a shift into a positive perspective may be received by the other as dismissive, even uncaring, depending on whether the listener is truly attuned to his or her friend’s needs. After all, how can you truly listen to someone if you’ve already decided what he or she should feel and how he or she should think?

Having compassion means feeling with someone—finding one’s way across the barrier of alienation. Having a need to redirect a friend’s emotions may indicate a difficulty or unwillingness to join him or her in a troubled state. Some may fear being “pulled down” by another’s troubles. Underneath the demand for oneself and others to stay positive is a terror about what lay on the other side of life, the darker side. Under the driven, fiery force of positive thinking lay immense anxiety. Ultimately, that fear inhibits a more fruitful joy—that of authentic connection, an enduring togetherness in the wholeness of life.

“Self-abandoned, relaxed and effortless, I seemed to have laid me down in the dried-up bed of a great river; I heard a flood loosened in remote mountains, I felt the torrent come; to rise I had no will, to flee I had no strength.” ―Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

A friend recently told me that convenience is the root of all evil. I knew exactly what he was talking about. Call it codependency, call it enabling. The caretaker, the hero, this person has been deemed the criminal in many cases, the one who “allows” the undesirable behavior, whatever it is, to exist.

But it takes two to tango. We caretakers—yes, that’s the role I have most often played; I have, in fact, fought to not be in the role of the helpless—often set ourselves up by rescuing those we perceive to be in need. So often, though, this is a power play to feel better about ourselves. Do we get something out of it? Oh, yes we do. For one, by being the provider or caretaker, we feel helpful, not helpless, and that is key. By being of service, we believe we are out from underneath (we’ve probably observed or experienced feeling helpless), we are above and in control, and this in many ways determines our self-worth and success. Caretaking behavior negates low self-worth that may come from being under someone’s thumb or auspice, and we feel we are free and in charge. Thus, there is a sense that we should feel better about ourselves. In control. Safe.

But what about the so-called helpless ones whom we perceive to be in need of rescue? The irony is that the ones in need, who are grown adults (since we’re referring to this position within adult relationships) and thus very capable in many cases to take care of themselves, often end up being the ones in control because we enable them to the point where learned helplessness enters the picture. Learned helplessness renders them incapable of doing things, and as much as I want to take responsibility for this and say caretakers are to blame, the truth of the matter is this is a dance created by two willing individuals who want to feel good and relinquish control because it’s easy and convenient—or take control because it also feels good and therefore is oh-so-very convenient. This is the irony of the dance and the self-talk.

We caretakers love to make things convenient for others; it’s what we do best. What we see as being a do-gooder—our need to be on top, to prove to ourselves we are not helpless by being overly helpful—actually renders others helpless and dependent on us. Although this should feel good, and perhaps it does initially, in the end it often enslaves us to our “victim,” who learns to, by no fault of his or her own, manipulate us (and probably others as well) and to settle into a role as the helpless one. Since they’re grown adults, we know they are capable in whatever way suits them, but once this pattern begins, we see the helpless one as the victim, unable to care for himself or herself, and then the caregiver becomes the martyr.

This pattern then becomes ingrained in us, and can and most likely will be repeated in other relationships. The irony is that both roles are similar, if not identical, as the martyr often also plays the victim and vice versa. It’s a two-way mirror and a two-way street, with both roles continuously going back and forth. Both people think they are being helpful and noble, but both are suffocating in their inability to take care of their own needs.

So how does one take care of his or her own needs? It’s simple once you recognize the patterns. The helpless individual starts doing things on his or her own instead of always relying on the other to “fix” problems, and of course the fixer does less fixing. This may come in a form of abstinence in the beginning. I don’t mean sharing less; I do mean expecting less. It means sharing without expectations. It means sharing the details of your horrible day without your partner giving you advice. If your partner continues to give you advice, thereby suggesting helplessness, you are likely to avoid sharing. This is where caregiving becomes harmful. So keep sharing, keep listening, take care of your own needs, and help only when someone asks for your help, give advice only when someone asks for it, and don’t expect help or advice unless you specifically say so.

Communication is key when it comes to breaking these patterns. Recognizing our role as either fixer or helpless one comes first, and then recognizing what we do in those roles. For example, a “victim” or helpless individual may manipulate by not offering to do something or by simply avoiding something, suggesting incapability. The fixer takes this cue and will do it for him or her anyway. These types of patterns become ingrained in the relationship.

Do you take control when the other person is in need? How often do you do this? Part of being in a relationship is to be there for our partners. However, doing it every single time and rendering them helpless is counterproductive to a healthy relationship. Do you expect your partner to handle many things for you? How often do you expect this? Expecting our partners to come through for us when we are in dire straits is one thing, but expecting this more often than not suggests a very unhealthy pattern for your relationship.

The symptoms of fixing and being a victim will be apparent in the bedroom, and possibly other areas of your life as well. Sexual satisfaction within a relationship is often a great indicator of these aspects within a relationship. Sexual issues often are symptomatic of much deeper issues. A fixer is like a parent, and a victim is akin to a child. Sexuality quite often will cease to exist in this sort of parent-child dynamic, as it suggests imbalance.

Sexuality thrives in autonomous situations, with autonomous people. We are well aware of the fact sex is more exciting when there is some level of mystery involved, some level of distance, some level of taboo. That taboo is often the unknown. Let’s face it: Being self-sufficient is a huge turn-on because it provides some distance. Not detachment, but distance. We can still be there for our partners, be their moral support, and be autonomous and self-sufficient when it comes to our emotional needs.

If you think you and your partner may be caught in this type of vicious cycle, just remember this: It may take two to tango, but it takes one to break the cycle.