A family eating a dinner together during the holidays Is it possible to survive holiday gatherings without intense arguments that leave close friends and family members feeling hurt and angry? 

Yes, it is possible if you: 

Politics and close relationships in 2024 

During the holidays, we spend time with family and friends–those we love. Disagreements in close relationships are overcomable–even healthy–because they lead to communication, resolution, and trust. That’s not how it works anymore in 2024’s stormy social environment. 

Research has shown that in countries with severe political polarization, political disagreement can suppress family gatherings, make conflict resolution unlikely, and even lead to estrangement (Kobayashi & Tse).     

A new poll by the American Psychological Association found that the relationships of 1 in 3 Americans have been damaged by political opinions. 30% actively avoid family gatherings with those who don’t share their political beliefs. 

Why do political beliefs cause fights? 

Why do we react so emotionally when people don’t support our beliefs? It has to do with our body’s natural threat response. 

Way back in humanity’s caveman days, our threat response was what kept us alive–often called the fight, flight, or freeze response. The only problem is, our bodies are terrible at distinguishing between a physical threat and an emotional threat (Dahl).  

Let’s say your weird uncle (you know the one) makes an offhand comment about a political figure that completely goes against what you believe to be true. When we think our core beliefs are being threatened, our bodies go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. We do one of three things: Fight back, play dead by going silent, or run away by leaving the room or changing topic (Dahl).  

Your biology turned your uncle into an enemy to be protected against. The question is, how can you fight biology? What steps can you take to make sure that this year’s holiday family gatherings don’t lead to the conflict and estrangement? 

Avoiding political discussions 

It may seem easier to avoid touchy topics completely. Sometimes it can be necessary if you want to make sure the holiday is fun for everyone.  It’s not as simple as it seems, though. Research tells us that refusing to participate in these discussions leads to distance and dissatisfaction in the relationship (Palomares and Derman).  

If you choose to avoid, set boundaries ahead of time 

Although it can be uncomfortable in the moment, it is important to let people know beforehand that you would like to stay away from political discussions during holiday events. Simply side-stepping or walking away from a conversation without warning will damage your relationship by creating hurt and emotional distance (Cantor).  

4 Tips for facing political disagreements in a healthy way 

Focus on curiosity 

Before entering into a political discussion, ask yourself, “What is my goal here?” Trying to convince someone to see things your way creates a divide where they feel the need to defend against you. People say things they don’t really believe when they are put on the defensive. 

Instead, go in with a focus on curiosity. Ask questions. What is their opinion? Why do they feel that way? Showing interest in their thoughts has several benefits: 

Seek out common ground 

Try to understand where the other person is coming from. There’s always common ground somewhere, even if you can only find it in the shared desire to make the world a better place. Discovering those shared beliefs will bring you closer together. 

Show that you’re listening 

Using active listening strategies will help them to know you care about what they have to say, even if you don’t agree. Lean forward, nod your head, maintain eye contact, don’t interrupt, paraphrase what they said, and ask questions. Studies have proven the effectiveness of active listening in making people feel understood (Weger).   

Be honest but not accusatory 

Be honest about your beliefs, but avoid ”the fact is” or “right and wrong” statements. Stick with “I think,” “I feel,” or “my opinion is.” When you get frustrated, instead of saying, “You’re making me angry,” or “You never listen to my opinions,” say, “When I hear you say that, I feel frustrated.” This method helps you to stay true to yourself, while keeping the relationship  (Harris). 

Remain calm 

You may discover that your family member or friend’s  beliefs are harmful.  Mindfulness techniques can be a good way to avoid snapping and turning the event into a fight. Below are two you can try. 

Just Breathe 

When you feel that adrenaline beginning to buzz through your system and your emotions starting to rise, pause. Take some slow, deep breaths counting to 4 as you breathe in, holding for 7 and breathing out for 8. Research shows that this type of breathing triggers your body’s relaxation response, which keeps stress in check. 

Do an inward scan 

Check in with yourself. Are you tense anywhere? Is your heartbeat rapid? Name the emotions you are feeling. Observe all these things without labeling them as good or bad. Just noticing will help to calm and center you.  

You’ve got this! 

The 2024 holidays promise to be especially difficult due to the divisiveness of the recent election. Some of our loved ones can be somewhat… *ahem* loud about their opinions. However, don’t forget that the holidays are intended to be a time of love, joy, service, and togetherness. Embrace it!    

 

References 

American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Apa Poll: Future of nation, economy and presidential election top U.S. stressors. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2024/10/top-us-stressors  

Cantor, C. (2021, September 12). Start setting boundaries with confidence. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-sex/202109/start-setting-boundaries-with-confidence

Dahl, C. (2021, November 11). 4 tips for managing family conflict this Thanksgiving. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healthy-minds/202111/4-tips-for-managing-family-conflict-this-thanksgiving

de Richelieu, A. (n.d.). Men with Wine Glasses Talking. photograph. Retrieved November 18, 2024, from https://www.pexels.com/photo/men-with-wine-glasses-talking-4262177/.  

Harris, M. (2023, July 5). How to survive political conversations over the Holidays. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/letters-from-your-therapist/202111/how-to-survive-political-conversations-over-the-holidays

Kobayashi, T., & Tse, C. H. (2021). How political disagreements undermine intrafamily communication: the case of the anti-extradition bill movement in Hong Kong. Chinese Journal of Communication, 15(3), 378–400. https://doi.org/10.1080/17544750.2021.1987283 

Michalou, N. (2020). Family Celebrating Christmas Dinner While Taking Selfie. Pexels. photograph. Retrieved November 13, 2024, from https://www.pexels.com/photo/family-celebrating-christmas-dinner-while-taking-selfie-5778899/

Palomares, N. A., & Derman, D. (2019). Topic Avoidance, Goal Understanding, and Relational Perceptions: Experimental Evidence. Communication Research, 46(6), 735-756. https://doi.org/10.1177/0093650216644649Weger, H., Castle Bell, G., Minei, E. M., & Robinson, M. C. (2014). The Relative Effectiveness of Active Listening in Initial Interactions. International Journal of Listening, 28(1), 13–31. https://doi.org/10.1080/10904018.2013.813234 

 

young woman meditating in front of a christmas tree One of the great absurdities of American life is that the movie It’s a Wonderful Life plays at Christmas every year. It’s thought of as a sentimental favorite, but it’s a devastatingly sad movie. The first time I saw it in its entirety, it wrecked me. It has a happy ending that everyone remembers, but only after two-plus hours of watching a good man’s life gets put through the wringer. George Bailey, played by Jimmy Stewart, encounters the dark side of living in a capitalist society – cruelty, selfishness, and unfathomable greed, hardly the stuff one usually associates with Christmas. Then again, perhaps that’s what makes it the perfect holiday movie – it’s about the gap between how things should be and how they really are. 

As therapists, we get to spend a lot of time in these gaps – between how people look on the outside versus how they really feel, between social media and real life, and between what the holidays are supposed to be versus what they are. The reality is that the weeks after Thanksgiving and Christmas are two of the toughest of the year, as clients come back from spending time with people who hurt them in the name of “family.”  They must endure commentary, questions, and opinions from people they probably wouldn’t be spending time with if they weren’t related. They are additionally burdened with failing to live up to societal ideals of familial love and togetherness.  

I can tell you that for most of my clients, the holidays are a mixed bag. Old wounds get activated; old interaction patterns reemerge. When I used to go home to the East Coast for Christmas, I would awaken in the morning to my mother cajoling me to “go outside” like she did when I was a child. Depending on what side of the political aisle you are on, there is usually an aunt or uncle, or grandparent on the opposite side who wants to persuade you to agree with them. The word “family” is sometimes used in an oppressive and authoritarian manner – to get people to behave in a certain way.  “Do it for family” is often code for “Do what I say.” 

There must have been some evolutionary advantage to spending time with extended family, but I’m not sure it’s necessary anymore. People can form their own families now – in person or online, and you don’t need to rely on blood relatives for support. If you like your relatives, spend time with them, but if you’re doing this only out of obligation or tradition, you may want to examine your reasons for doing so. You will not receive any reward for being a dutiful family member, and you might gain some self-esteem by standing up for yourself and not giving in to pressure. If you do decide to go though, here are some tips to make it easier. 

  1. Forget about the idea that everyone is having a great holiday and you’re not – they’re probably in the same place as you.
  2. Don’t feel pressured by other people’s ideas of what “family” means. It’s often used to control and manipulate others. 
  3. Keep it light. Resist the urge to get into political discussions even if you are tempted. It’s not worth it.  
  4. Plan time throughout to regain your sense of self. Take bathroom breaks even if you don’t have to go and take a few minutes just for you. 
  5. If you can afford it, try and stay at a nearby hotel or motel if staying in the same residence as family is too much.
  6. Make your visits shorter than usual and give yourself a day or two afterward to recover.  
  7. Remember that you have agency and don’t need to go along with customs or traditions that you don’t like. Spending the holidays alone is also a perfectly good option for some people.  And if you do end up all alone and are in the mood for a good horror movie, check out It’s a Wonderful Life.  

Dr. Noah Laracy is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist in Los Angeles. His book coming out in 2025 is the first book to provide a practical, actionable program for growing your courage as shown in the twelve most common fears that humans have. Sign up here for his free articles on growing your courage. 

For many parents, the holiday season stirs up feelings of excitement and anticipation for quality family time. After all, they raised their kids, poured years of love and effort into their lives, and look forward to reconnecting during these meaningful times. So, when kids don’t come home for the holidays, it can be a painful experience, one that leaves parents wondering, “Why?” This situation is more common than many realize and can stem from a variety of reasons—some practical, others emotional. Here, we’ll explore some of these reasons and discuss ways to stay connected when traditional holiday visits aren’t possible. 

The Practical Challenges: Travel, Finances, and Work 

A few very understandable reasons may keep adult children from coming home for the holidays. First, there’s the cost of travel, which has only increased in recent years. For young adults just starting out, paying for airfare or gas can be a major strain on their budget. Plus, they may have other financial responsibilities that make it difficult to prioritize holiday travel. 

Work schedules, too, can be a significant barrier. Many workplaces limit time off during the busy holiday season, making it nearly impossible for some to take extended vacations. If your child is early in their career or works in a field with strict holiday policies, they may not have the flexibility to travel. 

These logistical and financial barriers are often out of anyone’s control. If these factors play a role in your family, acknowledging them can help create understanding. Sometimes, just knowing that practical limitations—not a lack of love—are the reasons behind the absence can make the distance feel a little easier. 

Reflecting on Family Dynamics 

Of course, there may also be more personal reasons why kids don’t feel able to come home for the holidays. Relationships evolve over time, and sometimes family dynamics become complicated. For example, take a moment to think about the communication you have with your children throughout the year. How often do you talk? What’s the tone of your conversations? Are they lighthearted and enjoyable, or do they often involve venting or critical feedback? Sometimes, even with the best intentions, conversations can start to feel like a burden rather than a connection. 

If there are unresolved conflicts, tensions, or even guilt trips during conversations, visiting can start to feel emotionally overwhelming for everyone involved. These issues are common in many families, but they can have a big impact on holiday plans. Reflecting on the way you and your children interact can provide some insight into their hesitancy to visit and may give you ideas for improving your relationship.  

Building Stronger Connections Year-Round 

The good news is that there are many ways to nurture your relationship with your children, even if they don’t come home for every holiday. Small steps toward better communication and showing interest in their lives can help bridge the gap when physical distance is a challenge. Here are a few ideas: 

Giving Room for Individual Needs 

The holidays can bring up intense feelings of nostalgia and expectations for many parents, and it’s completely normal to miss your kids and feel disappointed if they’re unable to join you. Remember that every family’s situation is unique, and finding ways to connect can look different from one family to another. Not every suggestion here will work for everyone, and it’s important to trust your instincts and what you know about your family. 

Relationships with adult children are a journey. With some understanding, effort, and compassion, it’s possible to foster a relationship that feels fulfilling, even if the holidays don’t look exactly the way they once did. Focusing on staying connected year-round, communicating with kindness, and creating new ways to celebrate together can help bridge the physical distance and bring comfort to your family during this season and beyond. 

couple giving eachother a gift next to Christmas TreeThe holiday season is often seen as a time for celebration, joy, and family togetherness. However, for many, it can also be a period of increased stress, family tensions, and emotional strain. As a relationship counselor and clinical sexologist based in Singapore, I often see the impact of these external pressures on sexual health and intimacy. The stress of the holiday season can reduce libido, while conflicts with family members may create emotional barriers between partners. However, with the right tools and strategies, couples can nurture their relationship and intimacy during this challenging time. 

How Holiday Stress Affects Sexual Health 

Increased stress levels during the holiday season can take a toll on both physical and emotional health. One of the most immediate effects of stress is its impact on libido. When individuals are stressed, the body releases cortisol, the “stress hormone,” which can suppress the production of sex hormones like testosterone. As a result, many people experience a reduced desire for intimacy during this time. 

However, it’s important to note that sexual health is not solely determined by libido. Emotional intimacy plays a significant role in maintaining a connection between partners. When stress accumulates, it can be harder to feel emotionally present, which may hinder the connection necessary for a fulfilling sexual relationship. 

Setting Healthy Boundaries During the Holidays 

Setting healthy boundaries is one of the most effective ways to protect both your emotional and sexual health during the holidays. One of the biggest sources of stress during this time is often extended family interactions. Spending too much time with relatives or in close quarters can lead to feelings of burnout, resentment, and frustration. 

To combat this, consider renting a nearby apartment or booking a hotel room for a bit of distance. Having a physical space to retreat to when needed can provide you and your partner with much-needed relief. Additionally, setting time boundaries is equally important. Make sure to carve out hours or entire days to focus on yourself or each other. For example, designate specific days for relaxation or intimacy, making it easier to reconnect when outside pressures are high. 

Nurturing Intimacy: Communication and Non-Verbal Cues 

In times of stress, effective communication becomes even more critical. However, communication isn’t limited to just verbal exchange—it also involves non-verbal cues. Non-verbal communication can be a powerful tool for maintaining emotional connection and sexual health. 

In the context of a busy or tense holiday season, pre-established non-verbal cues can help partners communicate needs without feeling overwhelmed or misunderstood. For instance, setting up a “safe word” or code phrase can signal to your partner that you need a break from a conversation or a family gathering. Non-verbal cues like a touch, a look, or pulling aside can also communicate the need for support or time alone without interrupting the flow of the moment. 

Other strategies to nurture intimacy include discussing boundaries around physical affection and emotional connection. Safe words, hand gestures, or gentle taps can help partners navigate through moments of heightened stress or discomfort. Creating these systems ensures both partners can manage their individual needs while also supporting each other emotionally and physically. 

Managing Grief and Emotional Challenges During the Holidays 

The holidays can also bring feelings of grief, loss, and emotional hardship. These emotions can add another layer of difficulty to an already stressful period. If you are grieving a loss or dealing with significant life changes, it’s crucial to be gentle with yourself and your partner. 

Grief often creates emotional distance, which may feel like a barrier to intimacy. However, physical closeness—whether through holding hands, cuddling, or other affectionate gestures—can provide comfort during this difficult time. It’s important to discuss how you’re feeling with your partner and work together to provide support and empathy. Being open about your emotional state can help maintain intimacy despite the sadness. 

While grief should be honored, couples should also prioritize small moments of connection, affection, and shared understanding. It’s vital not to neglect your relationship while you’re grieving. Check-in with each other, and be proactive about emotional support. Simple acts of love and care can strengthen your bond and help you cope together. 

Conclusion 

While the holiday season can indeed create tension in relationships, it doesn’t have to damage intimacy or sexual health. By setting healthy boundaries, using effective communication techniques (both verbal and non-verbal), and supporting each other through emotional challenges, couples can maintain a strong connection during this demanding time. Focus on the emotional and physical intimacy that nourishes the relationship, and prioritize self-care and mutual respect. The holidays may bring stress, but they also provide an opportunity to reconnect and nurture your relationship, building resilience for the months ahead. 

About Dr. Martha Tara Lee 

Dr. Martha Tara Lee has been a passionate advocate for positive sexuality since 2007. With a Doctorate in Human Sexuality and a Masters in Counseling, she launched Eros Coaching in 2009 to help individuals and couples lead self-actualized and pleasurable lives. Her expertise includes working with couples who have unconsummated marriages, individuals with sexual inhibitions and discrepancies in sexual desire, men with erection and ejaculation concerns, and members of the LGBTQIA+ and kink communities. Dr. Lee welcomes all sexual orientations and is available for online and face-to-face consultations. Martha speaks English and Mandarin. 

She is the only certified sexuality educator by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in the region (as of 2011) and is also an AASECT certified sexuality educator supervisor (as of 2018). She strives to provide fun, educational, and sex-positive events and is often cited in the media including Huffington Post, Newsweek, South China Morning Post, and more. She is the appointed Resident Sexologist for Singapore Cancer Society, Of Noah.sg, OfZoey.sg, and Virtus Fertility Centre. She is the host of radio show Eros Evolution for OMTimes Radio. In recognition of her work, she was named one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women under 40’ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She is the author of Love, Sex and Everything In-Between (2013),  Orgasmic Yoga: Masturbation, Meditation and Everything In-Between (2015), From Princess to Queen: Heartbreaks, Heartgasms and Everything In-Between (2017), and {Un}Inhihibited (2019). 

 

Friends eating dinner togetherThe holidays can be an exciting time for many. Whether your schedule is filled with holiday-fueled events, or if it’s an opportunity to take a break from an already busy schedule, the month of December can be a very social month. In this month of holiday cheer, we can sometimes become absorbed in the festivities and forget about our social batteries. 

For this piece, a social battery will be defined as the amount of energy that is either taken away from or given to an individual through social interactions.  

During the season, our social battery is influenced by a wide range of socialization, such as engaging in pleasantries, gift-giving, or office/class parties. It can also be more intensive interactions such as a family member or friend crossing your boundaries, or political topics that may cause debates. 

How does a low battery feel? The symptoms can range on an emotional spectrum. Some may become more reserved, and agitated, while others may feel overall shut down emotionally. 

It is important to tend to your needs during the holidays and have check-ins during these social events. One way of doing this is finding a “you spot” wherever the festivities lead you. For example, let’s say you’re at your high-energy aunt’s house- all she wants to do is play holiday-related games that take up most of the party’s attention. She also happens to be the loudest person you know. Whether you directly or indirectly interact with this aunt, you start to feel less and less energized being in this environment due to the overstimulating components.  

In these moments, you can go to a “recharge station.” This spot can be a place you’ve already dedicated as an escape away from the event. In this place, for example, a bathroom, the basement, or a vacant room, you can perform some grounding techniques such as deep breathing, describing 5 things you can see in the room, or sitting down in silence and feeling the ground below you. Through this, you might notice your body feeling less stimulated and ready to get back to the action. In other words, you can take this time to recharge your battery. 

Setting Boundaries During the Holidays

Another note to keep in mind is that your boundaries matter. Although you may be surrounded by friends and family, you may feel that you cannot retreat to your own space, even if it’s for a brief time. Or you may find that friends and family may want you to engage in conversations or activities that you do not want to participate in. This can take away from your social battery. 

Charging your social battery does not necessarily only happen when you’re at the event, but it could be beneficial to start even before attending. This could look like listing your boundaries for the night before going to the party. While at the social engagement, however, noticing how your body reacts to the stimulation of the environment can be important. Do you feel your heart is racing? Are you feeling pressured into conversing? 

In these situations, it is important to express yourself- not wanting to engage and saying “no” is valid, and so are your feelings.  Try to remember that these are your holidays too. When you can tend to yourself and make sure you feel grounded and your social battery is charged enough, you are able to give more to others if that is what you choose to do. 

What happens when the opposite challenge happens, and you feel that others are not catching up with your energy or high-powered social battery?  

The holidays are also a way for many to reunite with loved ones that have not been seen in a while. It can also be a time for people to let loose and engage in the holiday cheer. In these cases, we tend to have an ideal image of what the holidays should look like. 

Unfortunately, our expectations may not meet the reality. Maybe your loved ones have gotten sick and cannot attend, or a snowstorm hits and it makes it difficult to travel. 

 In these cases, where we have a high-powered social battery but are met with disappointment, we still have options. One of these options is to have a
back-up social activity. 

Back-up Social Activities

Although the times of isolation from the pandemic had many more cons than pros, what we did see was the power of connectivity without being physically present. We were able to see different forms of bonding through platforms such as Zoom to spend time with one another. Planning out games or activities through these platforms can be a great way to still connect with loved ones. 

If you’re at a social gathering and feel the distance emotionally, other options can be to start small. In these situations, it may be important to see what is in your control and what is not. What isn’t in your control is the type of energy or personality others are bringing into a room. What is in your control is to still socialize and try to make connections with others. 

One way of doing this can be to find one person in the room that you feel drawn to and start off with basic conversation. Try to ask open-ended questions and share what you feel comfortable sharing about yourself. This type of interaction may help support social stimulation and ultimately help your social battery feel charged. 

Your social battery has a strong influence on how you bond with others, whether that is taking time away from them, or diving right into the mix of conversations and activities. In either scenario, the key theme is to interact with and listen to the cues from your body, your thoughts, and your feelings.  

Your awareness of your social battery can help enhance your holidays, so give yourself the best gift which is tending to and prioritizing your needs! 

people celebrating Christmas sitting at dinner table in elegant dining roomDo you fear or dread holidays because of the expectations put on you by high maintenance family members? Or maybe you feel like you must be someone you are not, or the family members treat you like your still a child. All these things can cause unnecessary stress for an individual and do not align with the idea of a stereo typical holiday gathering that you see on tv or have read about in a magazine or book. 

No worries, you are not alone! Close to 50% of people have some kind of conflict with a family member during the holiday season. This can lead to resentment and maybe even cutting someone off, to maintain your sanity. So, what can one do about this? If holidays are supposed to be relaxing, fun and rejuvenating, why do you dread seeing your family member with a cup of cheer? 

Well, we are not about to dive into your deep dark secrets to find out why, but we can use strategies that might help you manage your situation.  

Before the festivities begin, it’s important to be clear on your boundaries from topics to discuss to where people might be staying during the visit. If family members are staying with you, you may want to schedule time away from them or the individual daily. It could be 15-minute breaks throughout the day to, go somewhere, such as a convenient errand that has to be done. It’s important to have a reward for yourself for managing yourself in stressful situations.  

If a topic of discussion is the main concern, practice using a one-liner to redirect the conversation and excuse yourself, to recompose yourself if needed, then go back to the conversation with a question or prompt to start a new conversation. Having a list of topics may be helpful in redirecting where you would like to take the conversation, such as instead of talking about politics, redirecting it to a conversation about cool hikes the family could go on. If the conversation is about an embarrassing memory that your family members always mention, maybe redirect it to the latest restaurants that opened in town that you may want to check out, and ask what they think? Regardless, the topics are to be harmless, where no one is attached to anyone else’s opinions about something so neutral.  

Maybe your partner reverts to being someone else when a certain person is around. Talk to them ahead of time and set boundaries around how you want to be treated and how long you will put up with their behavior difference. You can also limit the amount of time you are around both people, by setting yourself up to doing a task that may require you to be in a different room or busy enough where you can’t focus on them.  

Bottom line, having structure in the amount of time you will be around stressful people is important with planned one liners of changing topics that you do not enjoy. In addition to this, make sure you set yourself up for a reward of being an adult that was willing to take something head on, within your own set of boundaries.  

GoodTherapy | Home for the Holidays: Dealing with Difficult Family For many, the holiday season is a festive time of year filled with joy, cheer, and good company. However, not everyone can look forward to the holidays with the same level of enthusiasm. For some, going home for the holidays means navigating through difficult and tense family dynamics.  

If you find yourself dreading the idea of facing your difficult family members over the holidays, don’t worry – you’re not alone. In this article, we’ll be sharing some ways to help you deal with challenging family members this holiday season. 

Tips for Dealing with Difficult Family During the Holidays 

The holiday season is all about spending time with family. But what happens when you dread going home because of difficult relatives?  

First, know that it’s completely normal to feel this way. Many people struggle with the idea of having to spend time with family members they don’t get along with. It can lead to anxiety and stress, but there are ways to cope. 

Let’s look at some tips for handling difficult family during the holiday season and all year round. 

Create a Plan

One of the best ways to handle difficult family members during the holidays is to think ahead. Instead of leaving things open-ended, create a schedule that helps you avoid spending too much time with people who trigger conflict or stress.  

For example, instead of opting for a full-day family event, consider going over for a three-hour dinner. This can help limit your exposure to difficult family members, while still allowing you to enjoy holiday traditions and festivities.  

By having a plan and structure in place, you’re less likely to be caught off guard or find yourself stuck in awkward situations. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being. Having a plan can help ensure your holiday season is more enjoyable and less stressful. 

Stay Away from Touchy Subjects  

People have different opinions on topics like politics, religion, and everything in between. And that’s normal. In many families, not everyone believes or agrees on the same things, and that’s okay.  

However, controversial topics can often heat up and escalate into heated arguments that spoil the holiday spirit. It’s essential to leave those controversial conversations out of family gatherings to prevent unwanted conflicts.  

Instead, keep things light-hearted and stick to neutral topics that everyone can enjoy. Talk about fun things that happened during the year, catch up on each other’s lives, and share stories. 

It’s okay to redirect the topic of conversation politely if it is heading towards a touchy subject. It’s also okay to walk away from conflict if the conversation take a turn you’re not comfortable with.  

Do What Makes You Comfortable

The holidays aren’t about pleasing everyone else; they’re about spending time with the people you love and creating memories that you will cherish for years to come.  

It’s important to prioritize your mental and physical well-being during the holidays. Instead of forcing yourself to do things you’d rather not do just to appease your difficult family members, do what makes you comfortable.  

Maybe this means spending less time with certain family members or setting healthy boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. At the end of the day, it’s important to do what’s best for you and your mental health. 

 Know Your Limits 

Heading home for the holidays can be stressful and overwhelming, particularly if you’re not sure how to deal with difficult family members. While it’s good to push yourself out of your comfort zone, sometimes it’s better to know your limit and act accordingly.  

 If attending a particular gathering or family event causes you significant distress or anxiety, it’s okay to skip it altogether. Take a break from the family and engage in an activity that brings you joy.  

 Remember that the holiday season is about celebrating with those you love, but it’s also about self-care and healing. By following these tips, you can help make the most out of your holiday season while still taking care of yourself.  

GoodTherapy | Unwrapping Holiday Anxiety: A Therapist's Perspective on Navigating Festive StressThe holiday season, often synonymous with joy and celebration, can paradoxically bring about heightened anxiety. Let’s delve into some common holiday stressors and provide insights into managing and alleviating this seasonal tension so that we can enjoy the holiday season for what it is meant to be: a time to spread cheer, joy, and love.

Things we do that may unintentionally increase our holiday anxiety:

Neglecting a budget: Overspending is an easy slippery slope to find yourself on. Between Black Friday Deals, Cyber Monday, and every other advertisement and sale thrown your way, it can be easy to get sucked in by these alluring offers. Online shopping makes this even easier with constant “friendly” reminders about the sale items that have limited quantities left that are sitting in your cart, just waiting for you to click “confirm purchase.” This slippery slope eventually leads to buyer’s remorse, financial stress, and anxiety when the bills arrive.

Overcommitting

You love your family. You want to be a good parent, spouse, and child and show up for everyone. Unfortunately, scheduling too many activities while trying to accommodate everyone’s plans can lead to burnout and stress, which can lead to resentment and the failure to be present in the moment.

Perfection Expectations

America excels at selling the idea of perfection. Before most of us know it, we find ourselves striving for that unattainable “perfect” holiday experience. Ultimately, these unrealistic expectations set us up for subsequent disappointment.

Why holiday-related anxiety is common:

Expectations vs. Reality:

As a society, we are constantly being sold on extravagance and perfection, which inevitably lead to stress and disappointment.

Social Comparisons:

With the increased presence of social media, it is easier than ever to compare your holiday experience to the curated and filtered snapshots of others’ holiday experiences. This can contribute to feelings of inadequacy and disappointment.

Increased Responsibilities:

Most of us are already juggling a million things daily. Now add in hosting, gift-giving, cooking, and socializing; it’s not surprising that one finds oneself overwhelmed with heightened stress levels.

Tips for preventing holiday anxiety:

Set a Realistic Budget:

While gifts can be a way to show our love, it is important to remember the adage, “It’s the thought that counts.” Establishing a budget for gifts, decorations, and activities helps avoid financial strain, which can lead to additional stress and resentment. Remember, gifts don’t always have to cost money; spending time with someone or creating a homemade gift can be just as special, if not more meaningful. If you’re concerned about budgeting for gifts, don’t be afraid to have conversations with your loved ones; consider setting gift limits as a family or agreeing to spend quality time together doing something you love instead.

Prioritize Self-Care:

It is easy to get caught up in the idea that the holidays are a time of “self-care.” Yes, you often socialize with loved ones and indulge in sweets and delicious holiday meals. Still, you are also probably pushing your social battery more than usual. With the increase in one’s social calendar, it is essential to remember to schedule downtime for self-care activities, ensuring moments of rest and relaxation to recharge your battery.

Learn to Say No:

While it might be tempting to say yes to every holiday offer, whether it is from a sense of excitement or guilt, it is essential to remember you can say no. Practice setting boundaries by politely declining invitations or commitments that may overwhelm you. If you want to get together with the person, but the timing isn’t right, tell them you would love to schedule a time after the holidays once things have settled down.

Communicate Expectations:

It may feel slightly uncomfortable, but it is important to have open discussions with family and friends regarding holiday expectations to help ensure everyone’s perspectives are aligned. This helps clear up misunderstandings and prevents unspoken expectations that one is expected to live up to.

Ways to reduce holiday anxiety:

Reevaluate Expectations:

Take a breath and focus on the holidays’ essence. Adjust unrealistic expectations and focus on what truly matters rather than a cultivated idea of perfection.

Delegate Responsibilities:

Share tasks and responsibilities with friends and family members. Distributing the workload and speaking up when you need help can elevate some of the pressure. Remember, don’t assume people know when you are struggling; communication is key. Asking for help and voicing your concerns can prevent one from feeling overwhelmed and resentful.

Mindful Reflection:

Engage in mindful activities, reflecting on your feelings, acknowledging anxiety triggers, and utilizing tools to help manage stress. Journaling, meditating, and walking are great ways to take a moment for yourself, reflect, and alleviate anxiety.

Seek Support:

You are not alone. If things start to feel overwhelming, consider contacting a friend or therapist for support to provide a safe space to discuss and process your feelings.

How to make the holidays more peaceful and less stressful:

Embrace Simplicity:

Consider simplifying holiday traditions and focusing on meaningful experiences rather than an abundance of activities.

Prioritize Connection:

Prioritize quality time with loved ones over materialistic aspects. Foster genuine connections with those you care about. These are the moments and memories that truly matter.

Create Boundaries:

Establish and communicate clear boundaries with family and friends to minimize potential stressors.

Practice Gratitude:

Cultivate gratitude by reflecting on positive aspects of the holiday season, fostering a more positive mindset.

Incorporating these strategies can contribute to a more serene and enjoyable holiday experience. Remember, the holidays are an opportunity for connection, reflection, and joy. By navigating potential stressors with intentionality and self-awareness, you can create a season that aligns with your values and promotes overall well-being.

Closeup shot of a turkey being served during a feast at a dining tableMillions upon millions of Americans see their families during the holiday season. While a lot of us look forward to taking time off from work and spending quality time with our loved ones, just as many of us dread the holidays because we have to spend time with them. 

“Although holidays are often times of connection, joy, gratitude, friendship, and love, they can sometimes be times of frustration, fear, loneliness, and exhaustion,” explains Kendall Coffman, MS, a marriage and family therapist.  

In order to ensure your holidays are as enjoyable as possible, you need to understand some of the factors that cause family members to reach their wit’s end during the holiday season. Once you do, you can begin figuring out how to set boundaries with family and learn about some tactics you can use to navigate the holidays smoothly. 

Surviving the Holidays: Why People Feel Uncomfortable at Family Gatherings 

A recent survey found that — while 81 percent of Americans plan to see family members during the holiday season — just 55 percent were actually looking forward to it. 

In large part, this is due to the fact that families tend to argue over things like politics and religion during holiday dinners — particularly when there are copious amounts of adult beverages involved. 

But that’s not the only reason. That same study found that Americans don’t like seeing family during the holidays because 

Of course, we’re still in the middle of a pandemic, which adds another layer of complexity into an already difficult time of the year. 

Now that you have a better idea of some of the main drivers of argumentative behavior at family gatherings, let’s turn our attention to what you can do to reduce the chances family members are at each other’s throats this holiday season. 

How to Establish Boundaries with Family 

For clinical psychologist Paul Greene, PhD, the holidays are the perfect time to start thinking about what kinds of behaviors are unacceptable and what your family can do to create workable boundaries. 

“Gathering with family for any of the holiday rituals is a good opportunity to reflect with a 360-degree perspective for discovering acceptable and enforceable boundaries,” Dr. Greene says. 

Since every family is different, you’ll need to ask yourself and at least some of your family members a series of questions to outline what your family’s boundaries might be. According to Dr. Greene, these are some of the questions you should ask: 

Once you’ve come up with agreeable answers, you can then start to define the boundaries themselves. For example, boundaries with family might include no yelling, no political discussion, and no abusive behaviors. 

Whatever your family ultimately decides, by preparing ahead of time about the coming events, you will improve the odds for a better holiday, Dr. Greene says. At the same time, this will help you resolve issues before your family gathers so that fences are mended ahead of time. 

By now, you have a better understanding of some of the drivers of family grief during the holiday season as well as the way setting boundaries can help mitigate some of them. In the next section, we’ll explore some other tactics that can save you as you approach your next family gathering. 

What You Can Do to Navigate the Holidays Smoothly 

Other than outlining boundaries and doing everything you can to adhere toand enforce them, here are some additional tactics to keep in mind that can help you have productive and enjoyable family gatherings.

1. Set realistic expectations

According to Paul W. Anderson, PhD, who’s a licensed psychologist, it’s important for folks to set realistic expectations for the holidays. 

“In America, the holiday period is the emotional hurricane season,” Dr. Anderson says. “The most realistic expectation I offer people is to just get through the season with minimal ensnarement in family drama. This is not the time to pursue good feelings. It’s the time to survive, so later on you can find yourself in one piece.” 

If yours is a particularly politically divided family, prepare for the likelihood that someone will invariably start yapping about politics — even if your family has set a boundary of “no political discussions.” 

2. Don’t over-indulge

It’s no secret that Americans like to imbibe during the holidays. Of course, when people drink too much, they’re much more likely to get into arguments with their family members. 

If you can get through the holidays without too many spirits, there’s an easy fix: do as much as you can to abstain. 

“Drink enough but not too much alcohol,” Dr. Greene says. “That may mean zero or near-zero.” 

Unfortunately, this might not prevent your eccentric uncle from tossing them back and starting an argument about Ross Perot’s role in the 1992 U.S. presidential election. But if you keep your alcohol intake in check, you can at least rest comfortably knowing you won’t be making it worse.

3. Understand that it won’t last forever

When you’re in the middle of a difficult and tense family gathering, it may feel as though time is grinding to a halt. Even though the night might seem to stretch on forever, you need to remind yourself that this too shall pass, and that — eventually — you or your family will be headed back home. 

If you find yourself struggling during a particularly tense moment, Dr. Greene recommends staying patient by focusing on your breathing. 

“Practice counting to 10 before speaking, then breathe deeply, two seconds in and four seconds out,” he says. “Repeat as needed.”

4. Make your own rules

At the end of the day, there’s no reason any of us have to put ourselves into toxic situations just for the sake of it. This is part of the reason why many people are opting to spend holidays with their “chosen family” — i.e., their very close friends. 

“You are allowed to not invite someone to the party because they threaten your identity,” Coffman says. “You have permission to make your own rules this holiday.” 

At the same time, it’s also okay to get along with family members — and even love them — although they might disagree with you on various important topics. 

“You are also allowed to lean into fun, play, and excitement. You are allowed to love a family member who has different views than you,” Coffman concludes. “You get to decide what works best in your life this holiday. Protect your peace.” 

Getting Ready for Your Next Family Gathering 

Are you anticipating exceptionally difficult family gatherings this holiday season? If so, remember that you don’t have to go into the holidays on your own.  

If you need some help getting ready for the holidays, a therapist can help you get in the right frame of mind before the big days arrive. Start your search for the perfect therapist today.

 

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