young woman meditating in front of a christmas tree One of the great absurdities of American life is that the movie It’s a Wonderful Life plays at Christmas every year. It’s thought of as a sentimental favorite, but it’s a devastatingly sad movie. The first time I saw it in its entirety, it wrecked me. It has a happy ending that everyone remembers, but only after two-plus hours of watching a good man’s life gets put through the wringer. George Bailey, played by Jimmy Stewart, encounters the dark side of living in a capitalist society – cruelty, selfishness, and unfathomable greed, hardly the stuff one usually associates with Christmas. Then again, perhaps that’s what makes it the perfect holiday movie – it’s about the gap between how things should be and how they really are. 

As therapists, we get to spend a lot of time in these gaps – between how people look on the outside versus how they really feel, between social media and real life, and between what the holidays are supposed to be versus what they are. The reality is that the weeks after Thanksgiving and Christmas are two of the toughest of the year, as clients come back from spending time with people who hurt them in the name of “family.”  They must endure commentary, questions, and opinions from people they probably wouldn’t be spending time with if they weren’t related. They are additionally burdened with failing to live up to societal ideals of familial love and togetherness.  

I can tell you that for most of my clients, the holidays are a mixed bag. Old wounds get activated; old interaction patterns reemerge. When I used to go home to the East Coast for Christmas, I would awaken in the morning to my mother cajoling me to “go outside” like she did when I was a child. Depending on what side of the political aisle you are on, there is usually an aunt or uncle, or grandparent on the opposite side who wants to persuade you to agree with them. The word “family” is sometimes used in an oppressive and authoritarian manner – to get people to behave in a certain way.  “Do it for family” is often code for “Do what I say.” 

There must have been some evolutionary advantage to spending time with extended family, but I’m not sure it’s necessary anymore. People can form their own families now – in person or online, and you don’t need to rely on blood relatives for support. If you like your relatives, spend time with them, but if you’re doing this only out of obligation or tradition, you may want to examine your reasons for doing so. You will not receive any reward for being a dutiful family member, and you might gain some self-esteem by standing up for yourself and not giving in to pressure. If you do decide to go though, here are some tips to make it easier. 

  1. Forget about the idea that everyone is having a great holiday and you’re not – they’re probably in the same place as you.
  2. Don’t feel pressured by other people’s ideas of what “family” means. It’s often used to control and manipulate others. 
  3. Keep it light. Resist the urge to get into political discussions even if you are tempted. It’s not worth it.  
  4. Plan time throughout to regain your sense of self. Take bathroom breaks even if you don’t have to go and take a few minutes just for you. 
  5. If you can afford it, try and stay at a nearby hotel or motel if staying in the same residence as family is too much.
  6. Make your visits shorter than usual and give yourself a day or two afterward to recover.  
  7. Remember that you have agency and don’t need to go along with customs or traditions that you don’t like. Spending the holidays alone is also a perfectly good option for some people.  And if you do end up all alone and are in the mood for a good horror movie, check out It’s a Wonderful Life.  

Dr. Noah Laracy is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist in Los Angeles. His book coming out in 2025 is the first book to provide a practical, actionable program for growing your courage as shown in the twelve most common fears that humans have. Sign up here for his free articles on growing your courage. 

For many parents, the holiday season stirs up feelings of excitement and anticipation for quality family time. After all, they raised their kids, poured years of love and effort into their lives, and look forward to reconnecting during these meaningful times. So, when kids don’t come home for the holidays, it can be a painful experience, one that leaves parents wondering, “Why?” This situation is more common than many realize and can stem from a variety of reasons—some practical, others emotional. Here, we’ll explore some of these reasons and discuss ways to stay connected when traditional holiday visits aren’t possible. 

The Practical Challenges: Travel, Finances, and Work 

A few very understandable reasons may keep adult children from coming home for the holidays. First, there’s the cost of travel, which has only increased in recent years. For young adults just starting out, paying for airfare or gas can be a major strain on their budget. Plus, they may have other financial responsibilities that make it difficult to prioritize holiday travel. 

Work schedules, too, can be a significant barrier. Many workplaces limit time off during the busy holiday season, making it nearly impossible for some to take extended vacations. If your child is early in their career or works in a field with strict holiday policies, they may not have the flexibility to travel. 

These logistical and financial barriers are often out of anyone’s control. If these factors play a role in your family, acknowledging them can help create understanding. Sometimes, just knowing that practical limitations—not a lack of love—are the reasons behind the absence can make the distance feel a little easier. 

Reflecting on Family Dynamics 

Of course, there may also be more personal reasons why kids don’t feel able to come home for the holidays. Relationships evolve over time, and sometimes family dynamics become complicated. For example, take a moment to think about the communication you have with your children throughout the year. How often do you talk? What’s the tone of your conversations? Are they lighthearted and enjoyable, or do they often involve venting or critical feedback? Sometimes, even with the best intentions, conversations can start to feel like a burden rather than a connection. 

If there are unresolved conflicts, tensions, or even guilt trips during conversations, visiting can start to feel emotionally overwhelming for everyone involved. These issues are common in many families, but they can have a big impact on holiday plans. Reflecting on the way you and your children interact can provide some insight into their hesitancy to visit and may give you ideas for improving your relationship.  

Building Stronger Connections Year-Round 

The good news is that there are many ways to nurture your relationship with your children, even if they don’t come home for every holiday. Small steps toward better communication and showing interest in their lives can help bridge the gap when physical distance is a challenge. Here are a few ideas: 

Giving Room for Individual Needs 

The holidays can bring up intense feelings of nostalgia and expectations for many parents, and it’s completely normal to miss your kids and feel disappointed if they’re unable to join you. Remember that every family’s situation is unique, and finding ways to connect can look different from one family to another. Not every suggestion here will work for everyone, and it’s important to trust your instincts and what you know about your family. 

Relationships with adult children are a journey. With some understanding, effort, and compassion, it’s possible to foster a relationship that feels fulfilling, even if the holidays don’t look exactly the way they once did. Focusing on staying connected year-round, communicating with kindness, and creating new ways to celebrate together can help bridge the physical distance and bring comfort to your family during this season and beyond. 

woman sitting at the table working with laptop at home around christmas treeThe holidays provide for perhaps one of the most joyful and yet the most stressful times of the year. The season affords each of us an opportunity to reflect on the special meaning of the holidays whether related to personal relationships, family, or religion. 

What are some things with which we must cope during the holiday? 

Family quarrels, busy friends, negative media focus, job difficulties, relationship pain, financial stress—all of this can leave you feeling depressed, anxious, and alone. 

Let’s look at some of the most common holiday stressors: 

Family Tensions

We put our responsibilities to family—children, parents, siblings—over all other relationships we maintain. To not do so would run against the fabric of our culture and would be irresponsible. 

During the holidays, family commitments increase. We envision how it SHOULD be. Where do those ideas come from? We see perfect happy families in: 

Reality seems to never quite measure up and the difference causes disappointment, hurt, confusion, and frustration.
Don’t expect everyone to get along. Just because you’re related doesn’t mean you have to like everyone. If you’d prefer to spend time alone, do it! Or choose friends over family when possible. 

Don’t regress to your childhood self. Watch for triggers. Take a time out, go for a wall,k or just breathe. 

Remember to get regular exercise and don’t pick up mindless eating habits. Exercise and healthy eating can affect emotional well-being by relieving stress and raising spirits. 

If you’ve experienced the death of someone close to you, the holidays are when memories can come flooding back. Make the holidays meaningful by acknowledging what your loved one meant to you. Don’t try to suppress your feelings. The love you felt for the person is in those feelings. 

Loneliness

Conversely, having no family during the holidays can cause great stress and feelings of isolation and loneliness.
In this case, don’t focus on what you think others are doing—go out and do something yourself. 

  1. Escape the holiday environment (Walk in the woods, go to a place where the holidays are less prominent. 
  1. Volunteer: Go someplace where you are really needed: nursing homes, churches, hospitals, etc. 
  1. Visit a place of worship or any place that brings you meaning and comfort. 
  1. Invite a friend you haven’t seen in a while to dinner. 
  1. Call an anonymous Hot-Line. Click here for a full listing of where to call. 

Relationship Challenges

Because the holidays emphasize togetherness, relationship challenges are particularly difficult this time of year. 

If you’re in a shaky relationship, make a pact that you will be gentle with another through the holidays. Give each other the gift of signing up for my couples workshop on Valentine’s Day weekend! (Email me for the details! Therapy@mkcocharo.com) 

If you’ve recently broken up, don’t dwell on how much more fun you’d be having if you were still together. Don’t troll Facebook and Instagram to compare your sad life with everyone else’s highlight reels! 

If you’re tempted to call the Ex, try to remember why you broke up. Own your loneliness. Restarting things during the holidays rarely works and will make you feel worse later on. 

Unrealistic Expectations

Aim for a comfortable holiday, not a wonderful one. Forget what you think it’s supposed to look like based on media expectations and commercialism. 

Start by entertaining the notion that most of life’s disappointments wouldn’t be nearly as devastating if we kept our expectations more in line with reality. 

Think back to a time when something you were reluctant to do turned out to be not so terrible after all—that delicious moment when you thought to yourself: “That wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be.” 

This revelation can bring a huge sigh of relief and remind us to hold expectations in check. Anytime we assume the worst, we set ourselves up for misery, even if the reality isn’t all that bad. 

Similarly, it can help to be realistic about your chances for a holiday that’s filled with nothing but serenity and happiness (hint: The odds are pretty low). Have you already forgotten about last year’s holiday dinner where everything wasn’t what you had hoped it would be? Have you vowed that this year things will be different? Of course, this wishful thinking assumes that you won’t be exhausted from cooking, cleaning, shopping, wrapping, and attending to all other holiday preparations, and that the people in your life will have new personalities! 

Your holiday may not be everything you want it to be. By choosing not to set your expectations unrealistically low or high, but instead allowing events to unfold however they do, you can help to eliminate the pain of disappointment from your holiday season. It will also help to cultivate a sense of humor and learn to laugh off all the less-than-perfect moments. 

My advice to you is to take a deep inventory of your relationship to the various aspects of the holiday season. Ask yourself, 

The Science of Happiness has shown that gratitude is your key to unlocking happiness and inner peace. 

Gratitude is being aware of and appreciating good things that happen and taking the time to express thanks. Praise and thanksgiving are an elevated form of prayer. It benefits your outlook, your attitude toward others, your mood, your health, your relationships, and your work. A gratitude-filled approach to life has the potential to enhance your general well-being both this holiday season and all year long. 

To make a daily gratitude list, take a piece of paper and divide it into four squares. In the top left corner, record 10 things that you’re grateful for. These can be large or small things. Example: I’m grateful that I had a hot shower, I’m grateful that my father is still alive, I’m grateful for my friends who love and support me in good times and bad, etc. 

In the top right corner, list three things that are challenging to you. Record situations, people, or any other obstacle in your way. Now write down what you’re learning from these challenges. 

In the bottom left corner of your page, list five people you’re thankful for, including family, friends, colleagues, or strangers who have made your life a little easier or happier. 

Finally, in the bottom right-hand corner of your page, record the best part of your day. Focus on this blessing before going to sleep. This is a surefire way to get a better night’s sleep and to wake up refreshed and eager to live another day. 

The beauty of keeping a gratitude list or journal is that it trains your mind to start looking for what’s positive throughout the day. 

Create New Memories

Make this the year to lay the foundation for many holidays to come. So think about new ways to celebrate, new places to visit, new foods to prepare. By creating a fresh set of traditions you will be giving yourself and your children something to look forward to. 

By replacing old memories with the new, you can make the holidays special again. 

Commit to Staying Conscious

We can accept or reject our causes of stress. Our choices are reflections of who we are as people. We can control our experiences of the holidays, or they can control us! 

Go out and create a miracle for yourselves this holiday season! See you in the New Year… 

 

people celebrating Christmas sitting at dinner table in elegant dining roomDo you fear or dread holidays because of the expectations put on you by high maintenance family members? Or maybe you feel like you must be someone you are not, or the family members treat you like your still a child. All these things can cause unnecessary stress for an individual and do not align with the idea of a stereo typical holiday gathering that you see on tv or have read about in a magazine or book. 

No worries, you are not alone! Close to 50% of people have some kind of conflict with a family member during the holiday season. This can lead to resentment and maybe even cutting someone off, to maintain your sanity. So, what can one do about this? If holidays are supposed to be relaxing, fun and rejuvenating, why do you dread seeing your family member with a cup of cheer? 

Well, we are not about to dive into your deep dark secrets to find out why, but we can use strategies that might help you manage your situation.  

Before the festivities begin, it’s important to be clear on your boundaries from topics to discuss to where people might be staying during the visit. If family members are staying with you, you may want to schedule time away from them or the individual daily. It could be 15-minute breaks throughout the day to, go somewhere, such as a convenient errand that has to be done. It’s important to have a reward for yourself for managing yourself in stressful situations.  

If a topic of discussion is the main concern, practice using a one-liner to redirect the conversation and excuse yourself, to recompose yourself if needed, then go back to the conversation with a question or prompt to start a new conversation. Having a list of topics may be helpful in redirecting where you would like to take the conversation, such as instead of talking about politics, redirecting it to a conversation about cool hikes the family could go on. If the conversation is about an embarrassing memory that your family members always mention, maybe redirect it to the latest restaurants that opened in town that you may want to check out, and ask what they think? Regardless, the topics are to be harmless, where no one is attached to anyone else’s opinions about something so neutral.  

Maybe your partner reverts to being someone else when a certain person is around. Talk to them ahead of time and set boundaries around how you want to be treated and how long you will put up with their behavior difference. You can also limit the amount of time you are around both people, by setting yourself up to doing a task that may require you to be in a different room or busy enough where you can’t focus on them.  

Bottom line, having structure in the amount of time you will be around stressful people is important with planned one liners of changing topics that you do not enjoy. In addition to this, make sure you set yourself up for a reward of being an adult that was willing to take something head on, within your own set of boundaries.  

GoodTherapy | Home for the Holidays: Dealing with Difficult Family For many, the holiday season is a festive time of year filled with joy, cheer, and good company. However, not everyone can look forward to the holidays with the same level of enthusiasm. For some, going home for the holidays means navigating through difficult and tense family dynamics.  

If you find yourself dreading the idea of facing your difficult family members over the holidays, don’t worry – you’re not alone. In this article, we’ll be sharing some ways to help you deal with challenging family members this holiday season. 

Tips for Dealing with Difficult Family During the Holidays 

The holiday season is all about spending time with family. But what happens when you dread going home because of difficult relatives?  

First, know that it’s completely normal to feel this way. Many people struggle with the idea of having to spend time with family members they don’t get along with. It can lead to anxiety and stress, but there are ways to cope. 

Let’s look at some tips for handling difficult family during the holiday season and all year round. 

Create a Plan

One of the best ways to handle difficult family members during the holidays is to think ahead. Instead of leaving things open-ended, create a schedule that helps you avoid spending too much time with people who trigger conflict or stress.  

For example, instead of opting for a full-day family event, consider going over for a three-hour dinner. This can help limit your exposure to difficult family members, while still allowing you to enjoy holiday traditions and festivities.  

By having a plan and structure in place, you’re less likely to be caught off guard or find yourself stuck in awkward situations. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being. Having a plan can help ensure your holiday season is more enjoyable and less stressful. 

Stay Away from Touchy Subjects  

People have different opinions on topics like politics, religion, and everything in between. And that’s normal. In many families, not everyone believes or agrees on the same things, and that’s okay.  

However, controversial topics can often heat up and escalate into heated arguments that spoil the holiday spirit. It’s essential to leave those controversial conversations out of family gatherings to prevent unwanted conflicts.  

Instead, keep things light-hearted and stick to neutral topics that everyone can enjoy. Talk about fun things that happened during the year, catch up on each other’s lives, and share stories. 

It’s okay to redirect the topic of conversation politely if it is heading towards a touchy subject. It’s also okay to walk away from conflict if the conversation take a turn you’re not comfortable with.  

Do What Makes You Comfortable

The holidays aren’t about pleasing everyone else; they’re about spending time with the people you love and creating memories that you will cherish for years to come.  

It’s important to prioritize your mental and physical well-being during the holidays. Instead of forcing yourself to do things you’d rather not do just to appease your difficult family members, do what makes you comfortable.  

Maybe this means spending less time with certain family members or setting healthy boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. At the end of the day, it’s important to do what’s best for you and your mental health. 

 Know Your Limits 

Heading home for the holidays can be stressful and overwhelming, particularly if you’re not sure how to deal with difficult family members. While it’s good to push yourself out of your comfort zone, sometimes it’s better to know your limit and act accordingly.  

 If attending a particular gathering or family event causes you significant distress or anxiety, it’s okay to skip it altogether. Take a break from the family and engage in an activity that brings you joy.  

 Remember that the holiday season is about celebrating with those you love, but it’s also about self-care and healing. By following these tips, you can help make the most out of your holiday season while still taking care of yourself.  

Closeup shot of a turkey being served during a feast at a dining tableMillions upon millions of Americans see their families during the holiday season. While a lot of us look forward to taking time off from work and spending quality time with our loved ones, just as many of us dread the holidays because we have to spend time with them. 

“Although holidays are often times of connection, joy, gratitude, friendship, and love, they can sometimes be times of frustration, fear, loneliness, and exhaustion,” explains Kendall Coffman, MS, a marriage and family therapist.  

In order to ensure your holidays are as enjoyable as possible, you need to understand some of the factors that cause family members to reach their wit’s end during the holiday season. Once you do, you can begin figuring out how to set boundaries with family and learn about some tactics you can use to navigate the holidays smoothly. 

Surviving the Holidays: Why People Feel Uncomfortable at Family Gatherings 

A recent survey found that — while 81 percent of Americans plan to see family members during the holiday season — just 55 percent were actually looking forward to it. 

In large part, this is due to the fact that families tend to argue over things like politics and religion during holiday dinners — particularly when there are copious amounts of adult beverages involved. 

But that’s not the only reason. That same study found that Americans don’t like seeing family during the holidays because 

Of course, we’re still in the middle of a pandemic, which adds another layer of complexity into an already difficult time of the year. 

Now that you have a better idea of some of the main drivers of argumentative behavior at family gatherings, let’s turn our attention to what you can do to reduce the chances family members are at each other’s throats this holiday season. 

How to Establish Boundaries with Family 

For clinical psychologist Paul Greene, PhD, the holidays are the perfect time to start thinking about what kinds of behaviors are unacceptable and what your family can do to create workable boundaries. 

“Gathering with family for any of the holiday rituals is a good opportunity to reflect with a 360-degree perspective for discovering acceptable and enforceable boundaries,” Dr. Greene says. 

Since every family is different, you’ll need to ask yourself and at least some of your family members a series of questions to outline what your family’s boundaries might be. According to Dr. Greene, these are some of the questions you should ask: 

Once you’ve come up with agreeable answers, you can then start to define the boundaries themselves. For example, boundaries with family might include no yelling, no political discussion, and no abusive behaviors. 

Whatever your family ultimately decides, by preparing ahead of time about the coming events, you will improve the odds for a better holiday, Dr. Greene says. At the same time, this will help you resolve issues before your family gathers so that fences are mended ahead of time. 

By now, you have a better understanding of some of the drivers of family grief during the holiday season as well as the way setting boundaries can help mitigate some of them. In the next section, we’ll explore some other tactics that can save you as you approach your next family gathering. 

What You Can Do to Navigate the Holidays Smoothly 

Other than outlining boundaries and doing everything you can to adhere toand enforce them, here are some additional tactics to keep in mind that can help you have productive and enjoyable family gatherings.

1. Set realistic expectations

According to Paul W. Anderson, PhD, who’s a licensed psychologist, it’s important for folks to set realistic expectations for the holidays. 

“In America, the holiday period is the emotional hurricane season,” Dr. Anderson says. “The most realistic expectation I offer people is to just get through the season with minimal ensnarement in family drama. This is not the time to pursue good feelings. It’s the time to survive, so later on you can find yourself in one piece.” 

If yours is a particularly politically divided family, prepare for the likelihood that someone will invariably start yapping about politics — even if your family has set a boundary of “no political discussions.” 

2. Don’t over-indulge

It’s no secret that Americans like to imbibe during the holidays. Of course, when people drink too much, they’re much more likely to get into arguments with their family members. 

If you can get through the holidays without too many spirits, there’s an easy fix: do as much as you can to abstain. 

“Drink enough but not too much alcohol,” Dr. Greene says. “That may mean zero or near-zero.” 

Unfortunately, this might not prevent your eccentric uncle from tossing them back and starting an argument about Ross Perot’s role in the 1992 U.S. presidential election. But if you keep your alcohol intake in check, you can at least rest comfortably knowing you won’t be making it worse.

3. Understand that it won’t last forever

When you’re in the middle of a difficult and tense family gathering, it may feel as though time is grinding to a halt. Even though the night might seem to stretch on forever, you need to remind yourself that this too shall pass, and that — eventually — you or your family will be headed back home. 

If you find yourself struggling during a particularly tense moment, Dr. Greene recommends staying patient by focusing on your breathing. 

“Practice counting to 10 before speaking, then breathe deeply, two seconds in and four seconds out,” he says. “Repeat as needed.”

4. Make your own rules

At the end of the day, there’s no reason any of us have to put ourselves into toxic situations just for the sake of it. This is part of the reason why many people are opting to spend holidays with their “chosen family” — i.e., their very close friends. 

“You are allowed to not invite someone to the party because they threaten your identity,” Coffman says. “You have permission to make your own rules this holiday.” 

At the same time, it’s also okay to get along with family members — and even love them — although they might disagree with you on various important topics. 

“You are also allowed to lean into fun, play, and excitement. You are allowed to love a family member who has different views than you,” Coffman concludes. “You get to decide what works best in your life this holiday. Protect your peace.” 

Getting Ready for Your Next Family Gathering 

Are you anticipating exceptionally difficult family gatherings this holiday season? If so, remember that you don’t have to go into the holidays on your own.  

If you need some help getting ready for the holidays, a therapist can help you get in the right frame of mind before the big days arrive. Start your search for the perfect therapist today.

 

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.