The first Christmas after my son died, I couldn’t put up decorations. Christmas was a challenge to be endured rather than an anticipated event.  We, as a family, talked and shared memories about Andrew. We honored the traditions; opening presents, chattering to each other. We ate a lot. We talk about that Christmas as “we got through it.” 

The second Holiday season was harder and easier. I had a template of how to do it. At the same time, I realized Christmas would always tinged with loss. I grieved the loss of our family; the sense of everyone being together for Christmas.  We again chose to spend Christmas away from home. Christmas became smaller and less important. That worked for us.  

 The next couple Christmas’s (we’re at 5 this year) became a pattern.  I am now able to put up some decorations in the house. The tree, with handmade ornaments, has stayed impossible. I now say, when there are children, I’ll consider having Christmas at home.  

 There has been some pushback. Relatives saying out loud they want to see us at Christmas. We have invited them to ours up north. That hasn’t worked as a solution. Someone asked when this different Christmas “would be over” as if my grief, and my families loss would end. Hurtful but… 

 I think those comments come from seeing us grieving and wanting us to feel better. To me, it’s flawed thinking. I do feel better. Christmas remains difficult. Full of memories and longings for my son Andrew to be here again. He was such a big funny happy person. He loved Christmas. What helps me is to know he is in our hearts and watching out for us still. But this comfort doesn’t much touch the reality of the season.. he isn’t here, creating new memories.  

 People have different experiences with the loss of a child. Different ways of grieving, different stages. I don’t believe my grief will end. Which goes against some mental health perspectives.  

 What has worked for me is to accept my suffering. Accept that I will always grieve. This acceptance made life better; I am able to be happy. I am able to look forward to the legacy of my son. He was a happy person. He would want me, all of his family to be happy. To seek happiness. To laugh more. 

 I have accepted Christmas in a new form. Periods of happy times;  watching the gift opening and the music, the games, the food. Times with some real pain going on inside.  

 So here’s the advice I offer to you, the grieving person. Honor yourself. Honor your feelings. The people who love you are not you. They often struggle between fear of their own losses, sadness at watching you, and impatience or even resentment at the way you have changed. Let them have their feelings. Challenge your feelings of shame, the thought that you need to put on a happy face, to make it easier for them.  

Loss is a messy business. Full of feelings. It’s also a part of life.  Every Christmas, rooted in family traditions, should be different. I challenge the expectation we should just “go on” as if nothing happened. Something big happened. Loss should change us. Not overwhelm us. At least not always overwhelm us.   

The first year I cried in front of strangers, neighbors, in stores, and out on a walk. I overshared. I worked, I compartmentalized, I numbed out. I wrote in a journal. I meditated. I exercised. It all helped a little bit. There were hours where I felt significantly better. They didn’t last. My grief and loss comes in waves. The waves are less intense now. Happiness, joy, my sense of humor, my signature curiosity have come back. That said, I’m not the same.  

Since my son’s death, I have learned the cliche, that life can change in an instant is deeply true. I have done more, gone more places, challenged my fears, laughed at myself, lost friends, gained friends, and more openly loved the people I love.  

Creating a legacy to my son has helped me meet many people, expand my definitions of loss, gain positive perspectives, and practice gratitude. All are helpful in this new landscape. I’ve also felt jealousy at others easy talk about their children, been angry at the universe, and felt misunderstood and alone.  

My parents passed away before my son. I miss them. I talk about them. I talk to them sometimes!  For me, the loss of a child is like being in an entirely different country. Different language, different landscapes. I’ll share two parts which I don’t see enough about in the world.  

When I became a parent, my wiring changed. I felt a biological imperative to keep my children alive at all costs; even at the cost of my own life. I failed to keep my son alive. Those are the facts to me. I comfort myself knowing I tried every way I could. But denying the failure, denying the imperative just didn’t work. What worked was accepting I failed. From failure came forgiveness. I continue to work on forgiving myself for that failure.  

We have to work with regret in loss. We all made mistakes. We continue to do so. “What if” is not a helpful phrase. What if I did this or that? The truth is you will never know if that would have worked or helped. Try not to beat yourself up with what if… Even if “it” worked or helped someone else.  

Lastly, I offer comfort. Know as you stand with your family this Holiday season following your traditions, you are not alone. There are many people with you. Give yourself credit for showing up, for accepting this holiday is different, for bearing joy and sadness in the same body. Know every house has losses. Honor those who are not here with a toast, a memory, a joke.  As Andrew would say, “Come on! Let’s go open presents!” 

The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, warmth, and togetherness. It’s a period when families and friends come together, and phrases like “peace on earth” echo in carols, cards, and decorations. But for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, the holidays can feel overwhelmingly heavy, a stark reminder of absence amidst celebrations of connection. 

In this blog, we’ll explore the concept of peace, particularly during the holiday season, and how it relates to loss and grief. We’ll provide practical tools, share evidence-based therapeutic approaches, and highlight resources to help individuals find solace and hope during difficult times. 

Understanding Peace in the Context of the Holidays 

What is peace?  

At its core, peace is a state of calm and tranquility, an absence of disturbance. During the holidays, this idea is amplified, taking on spiritual and emotional dimensions. Peace on Earth. The season’s messages of unity, forgiveness, and hope resonate deeply, but for those who are grieving, these ideals may feel out of reach. 

Renowned psychologist Carl Rogers described peace as “not the absence of conflict but the ability to cope with it.” This perspective reminds us that peace is not about erasing pain but finding a way to coexist with it, even during challenging times. 

The holidays can be a powerful opportunity to rediscover your own definition of peace and take meaningful steps toward balance and acceptance, even in the midst of grief. 

Understanding Loss and Grief 

Defining Loss 

Loss is a universal experience that affects every individual at some point in life, yet it manifests in deeply personal ways. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), loss refers to the experience of being deprived of something significant, whether it’s a person, relationship, object, or sense of identity. Loss is often accompanied by grief, the emotional response to the absence or change. 

While the death of a loved one is one of the most profound forms of loss, other types of loss can be equally life-altering. These include: 

• Divorce or Breakup 

The end of a romantic relationship can feel like losing part of your identity and future dreams. Research shows that the emotional toll of divorce is often comparable to the grief experienced after the death of a loved one, as it involves mourning both the loss of the relationship and the life envisioned with that person. 

• The End of a Significant Life Phase 

Transitions such as retirement, children leaving home, or even moving to a new city can evoke feelings of loss. These milestones often signify the end of a familiar routine or a sense of purpose, creating a void that can be challenging to fill. 

• Losing a Job or Home 

Economic or career-related losses can deeply impact self-worth and stability. Losing a job may lead to financial insecurity, while losing a home can disrupt the sense of safety and belonging. These types of loss are compounded by the stress of rebuilding what has been lost. 

• Changes in Health or Ability 

A diagnosis of chronic illness or injury that limits physical or mental abilities can fundamentally alter a person’s lifestyle and self-perception. This form of loss is often accompanied by feelings of helplessness, frustration, and a need to adapt to new realities. 

Each type of loss may trigger grief in unique ways, but all involve adjusting to a new normal and learning to navigate life in the absence of what once was. Recognizing the varied forms of loss helps validate the experiences of those grieving, regardless of the circumstances surrounding their pain. 

Defining Grief 

Grief is the natural emotional response to loss. It encompasses a wide range of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, and even moments of joy as memories resurface. 

According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), grief is not a disorder but a normal part of the human experience. However, when grief becomes prolonged or debilitating, it may evolve into complicated grief or depression, requiring professional intervention. 

The Impact of Losing a Loved One During the Holidays 

The death of a loved one leaves an indelible mark on our lives. Holidays, with their emphasis on traditions, family, and togetherness, can amplify this loss, making the absence feel even more profound. 

Statistics on Grief and the Holidays 

• The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that grief can exacerbate mental health challenges, including anxiety, depression, and sleep disturbances. 

• Research by the National Alliance for Grieving Children reveals that grief during the holidays increases feelings of isolation by 55%. 

For those experiencing grief, understanding that these feelings are valid and shared by many can be the first step toward finding peace. 

The Role of Therapy in Finding Peace

Therapy is a cornerstone of support for those navigating grief. It provides a safe, nonjudgmental space to process emotions, develop coping strategies, and explore pathways to healing. 

Evidence-Based Therapeutic Interventions for Grief 

Grief, while deeply personal, can benefit greatly from structured, evidence-based therapeutic approaches. These interventions provide tools and frameworks to help individuals navigate the complex emotions of loss, rebuild a sense of purpose, and find a path toward healing. Below are detailed explanations of effective grief therapies: 

1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a widely used and well-researched approach for managing grief. 

• How It Works: CBT helps individuals identify and challenge negative thought patterns that may exacerbate feelings of guilt, sadness, or hopelessness. Therapists work collaboratively with clients to replace these thoughts with more constructive and balanced perspectives. 

• Example Application: A person struggling with survivor’s guilt after the loss of a loved one might believe, “It’s my fault they’re gone, and I don’t deserve happiness.” Through CBT, the therapist helps the individual recognize these thoughts as distortions and reframe them into healthier beliefs, such as, “Their death wasn’t my fault, and I can honor their memory by living fully.” 

• Evidence: Studies show that CBT is effective in reducing symptoms of depression and anxiety associated with grief, particularly when loss leads to self-blame or rumination. Learn more about CBT and grief. 

2. Complicated Grief Therapy (CGT)

Complicated Grief Therapy is a specialized intervention designed for individuals experiencing prolonged or unresolved grief, often referred to as “complicated grief.” 

• How It Works: CGT integrates elements of CBT and interpersonal therapy, focusing on helping clients process their loss, manage emotions, and gradually reengage with life. 

• Unique Features: Sessions often include revisiting memories of the deceased, exploring feelings of ambivalence, and developing strategies for rebuilding a sense of purpose. 

• Example Application: Someone unable to clear their loved one’s room years after their passing might work with a CGT therapist to confront and process their avoidance behaviors, enabling them to honor their loved one while moving forward. 

• Evidence: Research indicates that CGT significantly reduces symptoms of complicated grief and improves overall functioning, with lasting effects beyond treatment. Read more about CGT. 

3. Narrative Therapy

Narrative therapy emphasizes the healing power of storytelling and helps individuals redefine their relationship with the deceased. 

• How It Works: This approach encourages individuals to explore their memories, both painful and joyful, and weave them into a cohesive narrative that honors the deceased while allowing for personal growth. 

• Example Application: A person mourning the loss of a parent might work on reframing their story from “I’m lost without them” to “Their love and lessons will always guide me as I create a life they would be proud of.” 

• Why It Matters: By reshaping the narrative of the loss, individuals can find meaning and integrate the experience into their lives in a way that promotes resilience. Explore the benefits of narrative therapy. 

4. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy helps individuals embrace their grief as part of the human experience while focusing on living a values-driven life. 

• How It Works: ACT emphasizes mindfulness to stay present with grief without letting it overwhelm, and commitment to actions aligned with personal values to maintain a sense of purpose. 

• Example Application: A grieving spouse might use ACT techniques to accept waves of sadness while committing to nurturing relationships with their children or pursuing a meaningful hobby in their partner’s memory. 

• Evidence: Studies support ACT’s effectiveness in helping individuals manage grief and improve emotional well-being by fostering acceptance and reducing avoidance behaviors. 

5. Art and Expressive Therapies

Creative therapies offer nonverbal pathways to process complex emotions and foster healing. 

• How It Works: Through journaling, painting, music, or dance, individuals express their grief in symbolic ways, which can be particularly helpful for those who struggle to articulate emotions verbally. 

• Example Application: A grieving sibling might create a painting to represent their shared memories, helping them process feelings of loss and connection. 

• Evidence: Research highlights the benefits of art therapy in reducing symptoms of depression and anxiety related to grief, particularly for children and adolescents. Discover the role of art therapy in grief. 

6. Group Therapy and Support Groups

The power of shared experiences can be profoundly healing for those coping with loss. 

• How It Works: Group therapy provides a safe space for individuals to share their grief stories, receive support, and learn from others’ coping strategies. 

• Unique Benefits: Participants often report feeling less isolated and more understood, as they connect with others facing similar challenges. 

• Example Application: A bereavement group might include members who’ve lost loved ones to different causes, allowing for diverse perspectives and mutual support. 

• Evidence: Numerous studies validate the effectiveness of group therapy in reducing feelings of isolation and fostering a sense of community among grievers. Read about group therapy and its benefits. 

Additional Resources for Grief Support 

• Online Platforms: Websites like GriefShare and Modern Loss offer articles, forums, and virtual support groups. 

• At Phases Virginia, our licensed therapists integrate these evidence-based approaches to tailor grief support for each individual’s unique needs. 

• Books: Titles like “The Grief Recovery Handbook” by John W. James and Russell Friedman provide practical tools for navigating loss. 

By exploring these evidence-based therapeutic approaches and resources, individuals can find effective strategies for processing grief and moving toward peace. Therapy, whether one-on-one or in a group setting, provides a structured and compassionate environment to heal and rebuild life after loss. 

Practical Steps for Finding Peace During the Holidays 

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings

Grief is complex, and there’s no right or wrong way to feel. Allow yourself to experience your emotions without judgment. 

2. Create New Traditions

If old traditions feel too painful, consider creating new ones that honor your loved one’s memory. This could include lighting a candle, making a donation in their name, or setting aside a moment of silence. 

3. Prioritize Self-Care

Grief takes a physical and emotional toll. Make time for rest, nourishing meals, and activities that bring you comfort. 

Learn More about Grief 

4. Seek Professional Help

A therapist can provide tools and strategies to help you process your grief and find a sense of peace. Visit phasesvirginia.com to schedule an appointment. 

5. Connect with Community Resources

Grief can feel isolating, but community resources offer critical support and connection during the healing process. These organizations provide spaces for shared understanding, practical tools, and professional guidance to help individuals navigate the complexities of loss. Here’s a closer look at some notable resources: 

GriefShare 

GriefShare is a nationwide network of support groups designed for individuals who have experienced the loss of a loved one. 

• How It Works: GriefShare groups meet weekly and are led by trained facilitators. Each session includes video seminars from experts, group discussions, and personal reflection exercises. 

• Unique Features: Participants benefit from a faith-based approach, but the groups welcome individuals of all beliefs. The program’s structured format allows participants to process their grief in a step-by-step manner. 

• How to Join: Visit GriefShare’s website to locate a support group near you or participate in online sessions. 

The Dougy Center 

The Dougy Center specializes in supporting grieving children, teens, young adults, and their families. 

• Mission: To provide a safe space for young people to express their emotions, share their experiences, and learn healthy coping strategies. 

• Resources Offered: 

• In-person and virtual peer support groups facilitated by professionals trained in childhood grief. 

• Educational resources for caregivers, educators, and mental health professionals to understand and support grieving youth. 

• Why It’s Important: Childhood grief can manifest differently from adult grief, often appearing as changes in behavior, academic performance, or emotional regulation. The Dougy Center’s tailored approach addresses these unique needs. 

• Learn More: Access resources and find support at The Dougy Center’s website. 

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (Now 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) 

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline provides immediate support to those feeling overwhelmed by grief or experiencing suicidal thoughts. 

• Purpose: To offer free, confidential, 24/7 assistance from trained crisis counselors. 

• When to Call: This resource is invaluable for individuals who: 

• Feel their grief is unbearable. 

• Are experiencing thoughts of self-harm or suicide. 

• Need immediate emotional support or guidance. 

• Additional Services: 

• Counselors can connect callers to local mental health resources, including grief-specific therapy and support groups. 

• Online chat services are available for those who prefer digital communication over phone calls. 

• Contact Information: Dial 988 or visit the 988 Lifeline website for more information. 

Other Community and Online Resources 

• Local Faith-Based Organizations: Many churches, synagogues, and mosques offer grief support groups and pastoral counseling. These programs often integrate spiritual guidance with emotional support. 

• Hospice Bereavement Services: Hospice organizations frequently provide bereavement counseling and support groups for families who have lost a loved one under their care. 

• Modern Loss: This online platform offers relatable articles, personal essays, and a supportive community for those navigating grief. Access resources at Modern Loss. 

• The Compassionate Friends: Dedicated to supporting families after the death of a child, this organization provides in-person and online support groups, as well as an annual conference. Learn more at The Compassionate Friends website. 

Why Connecting to Resources Matters 

Grief can feel overwhelming, and seeking support is not a sign of weakness—it’s a vital step toward healing. Community resources provide a space where individuals can feel understood, share their stories, and learn strategies to cope with loss. These connections remind us that, even in the darkest times, we are not alone. 

For more support and information, Phases Virginia is here to help. Visit PhasesVirginia.com to explore our services and learn how we can support you in your journey toward peace. 

Final Thoughts: A Journey Toward Peace 

Finding peace after the loss of a loved one, especially during the holidays, is a journey filled with ups and downs. However, it is a journey worth taking. By leaning on your support system, practicing self-compassion, and seeking professional guidance, you can navigate the complexities of grief and move toward a sense of balance and hope. 

At Phases Virginia, we’re here to support you every step of the way. Whether through individual therapy, group support, or community resources, we can help you find your path to peace. 

Start your journey today. Visit phasesvirginia.com to learn more. 

Expanded Citations 

1. American Psychological Association (2023). “Grief: Coping with Loss.”
   https://www.apa.org 
2. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) (2023). “Mental Health and Grief.”
   https://www.cdc.gov 
3. National Alliance for Grieving Children (2023). “The Impact of Grief on Families.”
   https://childrengrieve.org 
4. Kübler-Ross, E. (1997). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss.
   Available on Amazon 
5. Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man’s Search for Meaning.
   Available on Amazon 
6. Sandberg, S., & Grant, A. (2017). Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy.
   Available on Amazon 
7. Mayo Clinic (2023). “Grief and Loss: Symptoms and Treatment.”
   https://www.mayoclinic.org 
8. National Institutes of Health (2022). “Understanding the Grieving Process.”
   https://www.nih.gov 
9. Harvard Medical School (2023). “The Science of Grief.”
   https://www.health.harvard.edu 

 

The holiday season is a time when there are expectations to be “together”,  “joyous” and to “celebrate.” These descriptive words can greatly differ from the pain, despair, and loneliness that accompany grief and loss.  Holiday commercials, social plans, work events, community events or our own memories of past experiences can be triggering and painful for anyone, let alone those who have been through recent, significant, or unresolved loss(es). Below are some examples of ways to cope ahead and manage grief during the holiday using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and Mindfulness-based techniques.  

Cope Ahead for the Holidays

• Create a cope ahead plan that lists anticipated triggers and specific coping skills you can apply to each. This could include grief reminders, thinking patterns or expectations, family dynamics or comments from others. Keep this cope ahead plan on an accessible piece of paper so that you can reference it as needed. 

• Engage in increased emotional buffers leading up to and during the holiday season.  Emotional buffers don’t “fix the problem” however they can help to give us more emotional resilience when we are faced with increased stress or triggers.  Examples can include various forms of self-care,  setting boundaries, accessing support, engaging in hobbies or enjoyable activities, and focusing on healthy and balanced eating, exercise routine, or sleep schedule. 

• If you have a trusted support system, communicate to them that you may have a hard time this holiday season and/or maybe ”off.” Tell them what you need or how they can support you. This can be validating and give a chance for increased support.

Allow Yourself Space to Grieve

• Structured grief journaling includes going in and out of emotional pain so that you can feel more in control of your grief experience. This can include 20 minutes of grief journaling (with topics such as what you miss about the loss, your feelings of anger or sadness, or writing directly to what you lost) followed immediately by cognitive distraction (ABC game where you pick a topic and go A-Z, or anything that will distract your mind).   

• Mindfulness can be used to stay present with your emotions and help to “ride the wave” of grief triggers. This can help avoid extremes of avoiding or rushing through emotions or feeling “pummeled” by them. Examples can be as simple as saying to yourself “I notice a grief trigger,” “I notice I feel sad” or “I notice tension in my body.”  

• Remember that painful emotions are okay, healthy, and a normal part of the grief experience. Validate your feelings and use known coping skills to manage their intensity or duration so that they don’t become too overwhelming. 

Consider Making Meaning of the Loss

• Making meaning can be any way you choose to honor or connect with what you lost. There is no right or wrong way to do this and this can be very personal and/or spiritual. Examples may include adapting holiday traditions in some way, special physical items that you keep accessible (pictures, jewelry, clothing, etc),  symbols of grief, or reflecting on what the loss has taught you in regard to values, priorities, or life lessons.  

• This can come later in the grief process after the pain has been processed. You may not be ready for this by the time of the holiday season and that is okay.  

Have Realistic Expectations and Be Gentle with Yourself During and After the Holidays:  

• Please remember: HOLIDAYS CAN BE HARD. GRIEF IS HARD. It is okay and expected to have a mix of feelings or responses. 

• Don’t pressure yourself to be happy or sad and try to keep your expectations neutral and thoughts balanced. Examples can include “I am struggling with the holidays this year, and that is okay” or “I don’t know how I feel and that is okay.”  

• Allow yourself time to rest, decompress, recharge, or take space as needed. This may be an extra day off work, having some alone time, allowing yourself space to do something special for you, or taking time to reflect, journal, or process your grief and experience over the holiday season.