Is it possible to survive holiday gatherings without intense arguments that leave close friends and family members feeling hurt and angry? 

Yes, it is possible if you: 

• Set boundaries ahead of time  

• Make curiosity your focus. 

• Seek out common ground 

• Show that you’re listening. 

• Be honest but not accusatory. 

• Remain calm. 

Politics and close relationships in 2024 

During the holidays, we spend time with family and friends–those we love. Disagreements in close relationships are overcomable–even healthy–because they lead to communication, resolution, and trust. That’s not how it works anymore in 2024’s stormy social environment. 

Research has shown that in countries with severe political polarization, political disagreement can suppress family gatherings, make conflict resolution unlikely, and even lead to estrangement (Kobayashi & Tse).     

A new poll by the American Psychological Association found that the relationships of 1 in 3 Americans have been damaged by political opinions. 30% actively avoid family gatherings with those who don’t share their political beliefs. 

Why do political beliefs cause fights? 

Why do we react so emotionally when people don’t support our beliefs? It has to do with our body’s natural threat response. 

Way back in humanity’s caveman days, our threat response was what kept us alive–often called the fight, flight, or freeze response. The only problem is, our bodies are terrible at distinguishing between a physical threat and an emotional threat (Dahl).  

Let’s say your weird uncle (you know the one) makes an offhand comment about a political figure that completely goes against what you believe to be true. When we think our core beliefs are being threatened, our bodies go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. We do one of three things: Fight back, play dead by going silent, or run away by leaving the room or changing topic (Dahl).  

Your biology turned your uncle into an enemy to be protected against. The question is, how can you fight biology? What steps can you take to make sure that this year’s holiday family gatherings don’t lead to the conflict and estrangement? 

Avoiding political discussions 

It may seem easier to avoid touchy topics completely. Sometimes it can be necessary if you want to make sure the holiday is fun for everyone.  It’s not as simple as it seems, though. Research tells us that refusing to participate in these discussions leads to distance and dissatisfaction in the relationship (Palomares and Derman).  

If you choose to avoid, set boundaries ahead of time 

Although it can be uncomfortable in the moment, it is important to let people know beforehand that you would like to stay away from political discussions during holiday events. Simply side-stepping or walking away from a conversation without warning will damage your relationship by creating hurt and emotional distance (Cantor).  

4 Tips for facing political disagreements in a healthy way 

Focus on curiosity 

Before entering into a political discussion, ask yourself, “What is my goal here?” Trying to convince someone to see things your way creates a divide where they feel the need to defend against you. People say things they don’t really believe when they are put on the defensive. 

Instead, go in with a focus on curiosity. Ask questions. What is their opinion? Why do they feel that way? Showing interest in their thoughts has several benefits: 

• They will feel cared for, which will strengthen your relationship. 

• You will hear what they truly think instead of their emotional reaction to feeling attacked. 

• As they are explaining their opinion to you, they are subconsciously re-thinking it. Ironically, not trying to change their mind has the highest odds of actually changing it.  

Seek out common ground 

Try to understand where the other person is coming from. There’s always common ground somewhere, even if you can only find it in the shared desire to make the world a better place. Discovering those shared beliefs will bring you closer together. 

Show that you’re listening 

Using active listening strategies will help them to know you care about what they have to say, even if you don’t agree. Lean forward, nod your head, maintain eye contact, don’t interrupt, paraphrase what they said, and ask questions. Studies have proven the effectiveness of active listening in making people feel understood (Weger).   

Be honest but not accusatory 

Be honest about your beliefs, but avoid ”the fact is” or “right and wrong” statements. Stick with “I think,” “I feel,” or “my opinion is.” When you get frustrated, instead of saying, “You’re making me angry,” or “You never listen to my opinions,” say, “When I hear you say that, I feel frustrated.” This method helps you to stay true to yourself, while keeping the relationship  (Harris). 

Remain calm 

You may discover that your family member or friend’s  beliefs are harmful.  Mindfulness techniques can be a good way to avoid snapping and turning the event into a fight. Below are two you can try. 

Just Breathe 

When you feel that adrenaline beginning to buzz through your system and your emotions starting to rise, pause. Take some slow, deep breaths counting to 4 as you breathe in, holding for 7 and breathing out for 8. Research shows that this type of breathing triggers your body’s relaxation response, which keeps stress in check. 

Do an inward scan 

Check in with yourself. Are you tense anywhere? Is your heartbeat rapid? Name the emotions you are feeling. Observe all these things without labeling them as good or bad. Just noticing will help to calm and center you.  

You’ve got this! 

The 2024 holidays promise to be especially difficult due to the divisiveness of the recent election. Some of our loved ones can be somewhat… *ahem* loud about their opinions. However, don’t forget that the holidays are intended to be a time of love, joy, service, and togetherness. Embrace it!    

 

References 

American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Apa Poll: Future of nation, economy and presidential election top U.S. stressors. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2024/10/top-us-stressors  

Cantor, C. (2021, September 12). Start setting boundaries with confidence. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-sex/202109/start-setting-boundaries-with-confidence

Dahl, C. (2021, November 11). 4 tips for managing family conflict this Thanksgiving. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healthy-minds/202111/4-tips-for-managing-family-conflict-this-thanksgiving

de Richelieu, A. (n.d.). Men with Wine Glasses Talking. photograph. Retrieved November 18, 2024, from https://www.pexels.com/photo/men-with-wine-glasses-talking-4262177/.  

Harris, M. (2023, July 5). How to survive political conversations over the Holidays. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/letters-from-your-therapist/202111/how-to-survive-political-conversations-over-the-holidays

Kobayashi, T., & Tse, C. H. (2021). How political disagreements undermine intrafamily communication: the case of the anti-extradition bill movement in Hong Kong. Chinese Journal of Communication, 15(3), 378–400. https://doi.org/10.1080/17544750.2021.1987283 

Michalou, N. (2020). Family Celebrating Christmas Dinner While Taking Selfie. Pexels. photograph. Retrieved November 13, 2024, from https://www.pexels.com/photo/family-celebrating-christmas-dinner-while-taking-selfie-5778899/

Palomares, N. A., & Derman, D. (2019). Topic Avoidance, Goal Understanding, and Relational Perceptions: Experimental Evidence. Communication Research, 46(6), 735-756. https://doi.org/10.1177/0093650216644649Weger, H., Castle Bell, G., Minei, E. M., & Robinson, M. C. (2014). The Relative Effectiveness of Active Listening in Initial Interactions. International Journal of Listening, 28(1), 13–31. https://doi.org/10.1080/10904018.2013.813234 

 

During the holiday season, it can be difficult to know how to care for yourself and family while also meeting the expectations of others. It’s a busy season of family gatherings, office parties, and kids’ activities that can come with lots of high hopes and expectations.

What are Boundaries

Setting  Healthy Boundaries

It’s Okay to Say No

Few are immune to the stress that holiday gatherings can induce. Social pressures, personal expectations, and differences in lifestyles or personal values can be tricky to navigate. When holiday gatherings feel more overwhelming than anything else, utilizing a few effective self-counseling skills can help you prepare for and manage these gatherings with confidence and self-care.   

Identify your feelings and emotional needs 

Self-awareness can be one of the most effective self-counseling skills for navigating stress around holiday gatherings. Our feelings provide us with important information about our emotional needs. If you notice that you feel nervous or anxious about a gathering, ask yourself, “What emotional need might be going unmet and is resulting in this anxiety?” Emotional needs are things like connection, authenticity, play, hope, or safety (among many others). Consider how you can meet these needs independently and, when appropriate, share them with trusted others.  

Set boundaries 

We’ve all had moments when someone’s words or actions left us feeling hurt, drained, or overwhelmed. These experiences underscore the importance of setting boundaries—the invisible lines that help define where we end, and others begin. Setting and maintaining these boundaries is vital for resilience, self-care, and healthy relationships. 

To prepare for potentially difficult conversations, practice responses like: 

• “I’m not comfortable discussing that topic right now.” 

• “I appreciate your concern, but I need some space to think about this.” 

• “I see we have different perspectives on that.” 

Remember, boundaries aren’t about shutting others out—they’re about honoring both yourself and those around you. Ask yourself, “What is a likely result of not setting boundaries?” Potentially feeling hurt or resentful? This is why setting boundaries is an act of care that strengthens your relationships and preserves your peace of mind. 

Commit to self-validation 

When you validate someone, you acknowledge the reality of their unique human experience—without judgment. Self-validation, therefore, refers to the ability to recognize, accept, and affirm your own feelings without judgment or external approval. Practicing self-validation is an essential skill for emotional health and well-being. 

How to practice self-validation: 

• Recognize and name your feelings. Simply being aware of your emotions is the first step toward accepting them. 

• Use non-judgmental self-talk. Notice if you are “should-ing” on yourself with thoughts like “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “They should make an attempt to understand me”. Releasing judgments can promote a more empathetic and understanding attitude toward yourself and others.  

• Seek internal validation. When you feel the need for others to agree with you, pause and ask yourself, “How will others’ opinions make me feel better in this moment?” Instead of relying on someone else to say the “right” thing, trust your inner voice and give yourself the affirmation you need. 

Let your values lead your behavior 

Clarifying your personal values can simplify your decision-making processes. When you’re asked to compromise or go along with the group, aligning with your core values can help reduce stress and anxiety, strengthen self-respect, and foster meaningful connections.  

Example in Action: 

• If honesty is a core value, you may feel confident in telling the truth, even if it’s uncomfortable, because you know it aligns with your integrity. 

• If compassion is a guiding value, you might find it easier to connect with others on an emotional level, which can lead to more fulfilling and confident social interactions. 

• If fairness is a personal value, it may lead you to prioritize decisions that are just and equitable, while working to find solutions that respect everyone involved. 

When you’re clear on your values and make choices that are aligned with them, you’re less likely to feel conflicted or overwhelmed. Aligning with your values helps you stay calm and composed, and it allows you to act consistently in varying situations. 

Plan a small reward for yourself to enjoy after the gathering 

End on a positive note by celebrating your effort to show up for yourself and others. Plan a reward—something relaxing or uplifting that honors your commitment to emotional self-care. This can also be thought of as a form of self-soothing. Self-soothing is a powerful self-counseling skill for distress tolerance. Think about self-soothing using your five senses. 

Examples: 

• Enjoy a favorite snack, take a walk, or watch a movie. 

• Journal about the experience to process any remaining thoughts or emotions. 

• Light a candle, boil cinnamon, or take a shower using your favorite smelling soap. 

 Holiday gatherings may come with their share of challenges, but by prioritizing these effective self-counseling skills, you might uncover a remarkable strength in your ability to care for yourself and others. These are skills that strengthen over time, so give yourself permission to take pride in your efforts. Allow yourself grace to do what feels best for you. What works for you may not work for others—and that’s okay. 

 

The holidays inevitably bring a mix of emotions as we shuffle from social events to family gatherings. While fun is there to be had, expectations, financial strain, and social obligations can easily become overwhelming. With a bit of planning and mental rehearsal though, you can approach the holidays feeling grounded and prepared. 

What is the DBT Cope Ahead Skill? 

“Cope Ahead” is a skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that helps us prepare for emotionally challenging situations (Linehan, 2015). By identifying potential stressors, planning responses, and visualizing positive outcomes, Cope Ahead helps build emotional resilience and a greater sense of control. 

Guide to Using Cope Ahead for the Holidays 

Step 1: Identify Potential Stressors 

Start by considering which parts of the holiday season might be most challenging for you.  

• Family Dynamics: Family gatherings often bring up old conflicts or unresolved issues. Maybe you know that one family member will bring up a touchy topic. 

• Social Overwhelm: Holiday parties and events can be draining, especially if you’re introverted and/or prone to social anxiety (Kabat-Zinn, 1994). 

• Financial Pressure: Gift-buying, hosting, and travel can put a strain on finances. 

• Travel and Logistics: Crowded airports, weather-related flight delays, tight schedules, and leaving the comfort zone of home can add stress. 

• Loneliness or Isolation: If you’re spending the holidays by yourself or dealing with loss, feelings of loneliness may be magnified. 

Take a few minutes to jot down specific holiday situations you anticipate might be stressful. This will help you focus on the most relevant coping strategies (Linehan, 2015). 

Step 2: Envision the Challenging Situations 

With your list of potential stressors, it’s time to imagine each situation in detail. This step isn’t about stressing yourself out! Instead, the goal is to become familiar with each setting and any possible challenges, reducing the element of surprise and helping you feel more in control when the moment comes (Linehan, 2015). 

Summon up in your mind the sights, sounds, and people involved. How might things unfold? 

• Picture yourself at a family dinner, and imagine relatives getting into the same old arguments. What would that feel like? 

• Visualize the atmosphere of a busy holiday party—maybe there’s loud music, people talking over each other, and limited space. 

• Imagine yourself in a crowded airport, waiting for a delayed flight with people squeezed into every seat.

Step 3: Identify Emotions and Reactions 

Now, think about the emotions each situation might bring up. 

• Anxiety about being judged or criticized. 

• Frustration about unresolved family issues. 

• Sadness if you’re missing someone who won’t be there this year. 

• Overwhelm from balancing social commitments, logistics, and personal needs. 

Identifying these emotions ahead of time lets you prepare for how they might surface in the moment. For example, if you expect to feel anxious at a gathering, you can plan a specific coping technique to handle that anxiety when it arises (Linehan, 2015; Kabat-Zinn, 1994). 

Step 4: Plan Coping Strategies 

With potential emotions in mind, it’s time to choose coping strategies that feel realistic and supportive.  

• Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness during a gathering can help you stay grounded. Try focusing on sensory details—like the taste of food or the texture of your clothes—to keep your attention in the present moment (Kabat-Zinn, 1994). 

• Breathing Exercises: Deep, slow breathing can help reduce anxiety and keep you calm. 

• Boundaries: If you anticipate certain family members bringing up sensitive topics, consider planning a polite but firm way to set boundaries. You might even step outside for a breather if things feel intense (Linehan, 2015). 

• Visual Cues: Consider bringing a small item, like a bracelet or keychain, as a subtle reminder of your intention to stay calm and composed. 

• Breaks: Schedule short breaks throughout your day, especially if you’re prone to social fatigue. These can be quick trips outside, a few minutes in a quiet room, or even a trip to the restroom to take a few deep breaths and reset.  

Choose one or two strategies for each scenario you envisioned in Step 2. Writing them down can help you commit to these plans and serve as a helpful reference if you need it later. 

Step 5: Mental Rehearsal 

This final step is all about visualization. Imagine yourself successfully managing each situation, using your chosen coping strategies. Picture yourself staying calm, politely asserting boundaries, or taking a needed breather. Mentally rehearsing these responses helps you feel more confident and ready when the real scenarios come up and emotions rise (Linehan, 2015). 

When we rehearse in our minds, we’re essentially practicing for the actual event. Spend a few minutes each day running through this mental rehearsal, especially in the days leading up to holiday events. 

Tips for Maximizing the Effectiveness of Cope Ahead 

• Practice Regularly: Start using the Cope Ahead skill a few weeks before the holidays so it feels more natural. 

• Keep a Backup Plan: Have extra coping strategies in mind for unexpected stressors. Flexibility can make a big difference. 

• Be Kind to Yourself: Remember, it’s okay to have mixed emotions. Self-compassion is an essential part of managing holiday stress (Neff, 2011). 

• Enlist Support: Share your plans with a trusted friend or therapist who can offer support or accountability (Linehan, 2015). 

Conclusion: Embracing a Mindful and Prepared Approach to the Holidays 

Using the DBT Cope Ahead skill offers a proactive way to manage holiday stress and emotions. By identifying potential stressors, planning your responses, and mentally rehearsing, you’ll approach holiday gatherings with greater confidence and resilience. This season, focus on enjoying the moments that matter most, knowing you’re ready to handle the challenges calmly and with intention. 

References 

• Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever you go, there you are: Mindfulness meditation in everyday life. Hyperion. 

• Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. 

• Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow. 

 

For many parents, the holiday season stirs up feelings of excitement and anticipation for quality family time. After all, they raised their kids, poured years of love and effort into their lives, and look forward to reconnecting during these meaningful times. So, when kids don’t come home for the holidays, it can be a painful experience, one that leaves parents wondering, “Why?” This situation is more common than many realize and can stem from a variety of reasons—some practical, others emotional. Here, we’ll explore some of these reasons and discuss ways to stay connected when traditional holiday visits aren’t possible. 

The Practical Challenges: Travel, Finances, and Work 

A few very understandable reasons may keep adult children from coming home for the holidays. First, there’s the cost of travel, which has only increased in recent years. For young adults just starting out, paying for airfare or gas can be a major strain on their budget. Plus, they may have other financial responsibilities that make it difficult to prioritize holiday travel. 

Work schedules, too, can be a significant barrier. Many workplaces limit time off during the busy holiday season, making it nearly impossible for some to take extended vacations. If your child is early in their career or works in a field with strict holiday policies, they may not have the flexibility to travel. 

These logistical and financial barriers are often out of anyone’s control. If these factors play a role in your family, acknowledging them can help create understanding. Sometimes, just knowing that practical limitations—not a lack of love—are the reasons behind the absence can make the distance feel a little easier. 

Reflecting on Family Dynamics 

Of course, there may also be more personal reasons why kids don’t feel able to come home for the holidays. Relationships evolve over time, and sometimes family dynamics become complicated. For example, take a moment to think about the communication you have with your children throughout the year. How often do you talk? What’s the tone of your conversations? Are they lighthearted and enjoyable, or do they often involve venting or critical feedback? Sometimes, even with the best intentions, conversations can start to feel like a burden rather than a connection. 

If there are unresolved conflicts, tensions, or even guilt trips during conversations, visiting can start to feel emotionally overwhelming for everyone involved. These issues are common in many families, but they can have a big impact on holiday plans. Reflecting on the way you and your children interact can provide some insight into their hesitancy to visit and may give you ideas for improving your relationship.  

Building Stronger Connections Year-Round 

The good news is that there are many ways to nurture your relationship with your children, even if they don’t come home for every holiday. Small steps toward better communication and showing interest in their lives can help bridge the gap when physical distance is a challenge. Here are a few ideas: 

• Stay Connected: Make an effort to check in with your kids regularly, without pressure or expectations. A simple text or phone call to ask about their day, congratulate them on accomplishments, or just say hello can keep the lines of communication open and positive. Sometimes, less frequent but more meaningful interactions can help maintain a stronger connection. 

• Plan Visits to Them: If travel is challenging for your kids, consider visiting them instead. Spend a few days seeing their city, meeting their friends, and enjoying their favorite places. This can help you feel more connected to their lives and build memories together without the pressures or traditions of a holiday setting. 

• Focus on Positive Interactions: Make it a point to keep conversations uplifting. Share good news, celebrate achievements, and enjoy positive, lighthearted discussions. When family time feels safe, happy, and stress-free, children may be more likely to want to engage with you—whether that’s in person or remotely. 

• Reimagine Traditions: If gathering for a holiday isn’t possible, explore ways to create new traditions that can be enjoyed regardless of location. This could mean exchanging letters, scheduling a virtual dinner, or doing a shared activity online. These gestures can remind your kids that even if they’re far away, they’re an important part of the family. 

Giving Room for Individual Needs 

The holidays can bring up intense feelings of nostalgia and expectations for many parents, and it’s completely normal to miss your kids and feel disappointed if they’re unable to join you. Remember that every family’s situation is unique, and finding ways to connect can look different from one family to another. Not every suggestion here will work for everyone, and it’s important to trust your instincts and what you know about your family. 

Relationships with adult children are a journey. With some understanding, effort, and compassion, it’s possible to foster a relationship that feels fulfilling, even if the holidays don’t look exactly the way they once did. Focusing on staying connected year-round, communicating with kindness, and creating new ways to celebrate together can help bridge the physical distance and bring comfort to your family during this season and beyond. 

“There cannot be a stressful crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” – Henry Kissinger 

The holiday season can be a time of excitement and connection, but it also has a way of magnifying our to-do lists. Whether it’s year-end deadlines, gift shopping, hosting events, or coordinating family gatherings, this time of year can feel like a marathon that leaves us depleted before we even cross the finish line.  

Many of us find ourselves juggling work, financial pressures, and social obligations, and if we don’t actively manage this stress, a sense of overwhelm can become a real experience. Let’s explore seven practical and uplifting ways to help you stay grounded and resilient this holiday season. 

1. Get Organized to Stay Sane

With so many moving parts, organizing your time is crucial. But simply putting everything on a list isn’t enough. You need a plan that allows for flexibility and self-care, not just checking off tasks. 

• Prioritize Your Essentials: Start by identifying the non-negotiables. What truly needs to get done, and what can be simplified or even skipped? Prioritize tasks based on urgency, and try to set realistic deadlines. 

• Break Down Big Tasks: Instead of writing “decorate house” or “holiday shopping” as one giant task, break it down into smaller steps. This will make each activity feel more manageable and keep you from feeling overwhelmed. 

• Create Space for Downtime: Yes, schedule downtime! Block off moments for yourself to unwind, whether it’s a morning coffee in peace, a favorite holiday movie, or just 10 minutes to breathe, create time for a break.

“The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.” – Sydney J. Harris 

2. Harness the Joy of Giving

The holidays are a perfect time to focus on the true spirit of generosity, which can be an antidote to stress and isolation. Studies show that giving can actually boost our happiness and well-being, as it strengthens connections and brings a sense of pleasure. 

• Make Giving Personal: Instead of just ticking off a gift list, think about what would truly bring joy to your loved ones. A heartfelt letter or a small, meaningful gesture can often mean more than an expensive gift. 

• Give to Your Community: Volunteering or donating to a cause close to your heart can deepen the sense of meaning this season brings. Consider spending a day at a shelter, supporting a food drive, or simply paying it forward with random acts of kindness. 

• Practice Gratitude: Giving doesn’t have to be material. Simply expressing gratitude to those around you—friends, family, colleagues—can help spread positivity and remind you of the supportive relationships in your life. 

“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” – William James 

3. Find Moments to Laugh

Humor is a powerful stress-reliever that can help break up feelings of tension, and it’s especially beneficial during a busy season. Laughter reduces cortisol, boosts endorphins, and can provide an expanded perspective on life and our situation. 

• Add Humor to Your Daily Routine: Watch a funny video during lunch, listen to a comedy podcast, or turn on a holiday movie that makes you laugh out loud. Surround yourself with people who bring out your lighter side, and give yourself permission to let loose. 

• Use Humor as a Coping Tool: When things go awry (as they often do around the holidays), try to see the humor in the situation. Forgot the cookies in the oven? Running late to a holiday party? Laugh it off—it’s all part of the season’s chaos. 

• Create Your Own Fun Traditions: Whether it’s a silly holiday sweater contest, a funny family photo, or a playful game, creating moments of humor can help you embrace the fun of the season instead of getting bogged down by stress. 

“A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety.” – Aesop’s Fables 

4. Protect Your Sleep and Rest

When we’re pressed for time, sleep is often the first thing we sacrifice. However, consistent rest is essential for managing stress and maintaining a positive outlook.   

• Set a Sleep Routine: Try to go to bed and wake up at roughly the same times, even on weekends. This will help regulate your sleep cycle, leaving you more refreshed each morning. 

• Power Down Before Bed: Limit screen time an hour before sleep and try a relaxing activity, like reading or listening to calming music. Small changes like these can enhance your sleep quality. 

• Nap if Needed: If your schedule allows, a short nap (10–20 minutes) can be incredibly rejuvenating. Don’t feel guilty for resting—it’s an investment in your energy and mental health.

“Sleep is the best meditation.” – Dalai Lama 

5. Set Boundaries and Protect Your Energy

With holiday events, family visits, and work obligations, it’s easy to feel stretched thin. Learning to set healthy boundaries can protect your energy and prevent resentment or burnout. 

• Say “No” Gracefully: Politely decline invitations or commitments that don’t align with your needs or priorities. It’s okay to let people know if you’re keeping things low-key this year. 

• Be Clear About Your Needs: If you need a quiet evening to recharge, communicate this to family or friends. Setting boundaries doesn’t make you unkind or selfish—it shows that you value your well-being. 

• Guard Your Work Time: During the holiday season, there’s often pressure to take on extra responsibilities. Be firm about your limits and prioritize your existing tasks, ensuring that work stress doesn’t spill over into your personal time.]

“Every time you say yes to something, you’re saying no to something else.” – Michael Hyatt 

6. Simplify Gift-Giving

Gift-giving doesn’t have to be a major source of financial stress. By simplifying the process, you can focus more on connection and less on expense. 

• Set a Budget and Stick to It: Give yourself a reasonable limit on holiday spending, and make sure it’s an amount that won’t add stress. Remember, it’s the thought that counts, not the price tag. 

• Opt for Experiences Over Things: Instead of buying physical gifts, consider planning a fun day out or creating an experience that brings joy and connection. These moments are often more memorable than material gifts. 

• Agree on a Gift Cap with Loved Ones: Many people feel relieved when they can set expectations with family and friends around gift-giving. A White Elephant exchange or Secret Santa can keep it lighthearted without pressure.

“It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor.” – Seneca 

7. Practice Mindfulness and Go with the Flow

The holiday season is known for both joys and stresses, and our approach to the season can make all the difference. Practicing mindfulness helps us stay calm, focused, and present during hectic moments. 

• Take a Few Deep Breaths: Whenever you feel overwhelmed, pause to take a few deep breaths, focusing on your inhale and exhale. Even 30 seconds of this can help you feel centered. 

• Stay Grounded in the Present: Instead of thinking about everything that needs to be done, focus on the task in front of you. Mindfulness allows us to engage with each moment, reducing the feeling of overwhelm. 

• Accept Imperfections: The holidays don’t have to be flawless to be meaningful. If things go off-track, remember to be kind to yourself. Embrace the messiness, and let go of any pressure to make it all “perfect.”

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” – Buddha 

This holiday season, prioritize balance, joy, and self-care. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, remember that it’s okay to ask for support, whether from loved ones or a mental health professional. The true spirit of the season isn’t found in perfection but in connection, kindness, and taking care of yourself along the way. 

The holiday season is here. There were Christmas trees in my local major department store before Halloween! I read an article this week that stated that it takes most of us 20 hours to prep for the holidays. That feels like a conservative estimate to me. The author of that article quipped that it’s about 18 hours too long! 

Whether you love the season or hate it, it’s here and hard to ignore. My daughter lives in France. Of course, they don’t celebrate Thanksgiving. Sometimes I feel sad that she doesn’t have the pleasure of sitting around a table with close family and friends eating the traditional meal. When repeated year after year, our rituals trigger memories and nostalgia. I miss her at this event now that she’s not here. 

For some people, these annual meals trigger only memories of family dysfunction—arguing, fighting, drunkenness, or disruptive behavior. Or perhaps, loneliness, as you find yourself home alone with a frozen dinner and a store-bought slice of pie. We barely get through Thanksgiving, when the “real” holiday season hits! Let’s say that you love December with all the hustle and bustle, festivities, obligations, and demands. That’s nice and thank goodness someone feels good about it. 

Or, let’s say that you truly hate it, feeling dread and anxiety. For many, it’s a time of grieving the loss of those who are missing through death, divorce, or long distance. Or perhaps you like it, but still feel a lot of anxiety. This is normal. We all live busy lives, filled with work, relationships, family and friends, and more stuff to do than hours in the day. Adding the business of the holidays is likely to send us spinning. 

What is the #1 issue, problem or concern that you have about the holidays? Perhaps you are feeling pressured to spend money, overeat or drink, be social, or full of joy? High expectations around this time of the year can lead to disappointment and even depression. 

Plan ahead and plan now. 

An important tip for managing is to plan ahead and to plan now. Get in control of the season, rather than having it control you. Decide what’s most important to you and let the rest of it go. If you enjoy written correspondence, then by all means, send out cards. If you love baking, then Google some recipes and start producing those cookies! Above all, do not let societal or family expectations pressure you into doing anything that drains you or creates resentment. 

Set appropriate boundaries. 

As long as you’re getting in control, remember to set appropriate boundaries with your families at this time of the year. Give yourself the freedom to make wise choices about where, when and how much time you want with them. If you travel to see parents, consider staying in a hotel and renting your own car. You don’t have to act 12 again or sleep in a twin bed in your childhood bedroom! If visiting the family is out of the question, give yourself the freedom to find the people you want to be with. Create a Family of Choice. Be good to yourself and create the joy you desire. 

Or, if you truly need some downtime to just relax and be alone, that’s okay too. Get out into nature—take a hike, go for some walks, or look at the ocean. Read some books. Visit an animal shelter to pet some kitties. Take some relaxing baths. Donate your time at a charity organization. Work out. Feed the birds. Smell the roses! Make yourself the star of this story. 

Identify holiday goals. 

If you are in an intimate relationship, try to work together to identify your holiday goals. Structure your holiday time and plan activities together that nourish your connection. I suggest that the two of you sit down and discuss the meaning of this season for you. Which traditions feel important to keep and what new ones do you want to create? 

The holidays are here. They’re not going away, despite my often-expressed wish that we could just have them once every two to three years. (I often say that about birthdays, too, now that I’m getting older). 

Here are ten ideas to help you sail through the holidays: 

1. Take inventory of your holiday stress. 
2. Eliminate as much of what bothers you as possible. 
3. Structure your time. 
4. Plan activities that nourish. 
5. Give yourself the gift of self-exploration. 
6. Stay in the present. 
7. Remember to have gratitude for the good. 
8. Show compassion for others. 
9. Find meaning in the season. 
10. Give the gift of time, laughter, and patience to yourself, children, friends, and family. 

Remember, if you are truly struggling and having a particularly difficult time during this holiday season, you might benefit from talking to a compassionate therapist. You can also call a Mental Health Hotline if your anxiety or depression feels severe. They will be happy to talk to you and get you the help you need. 

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) 

Or, if texting is easier: 

Crisis Text Line: Text “home” to 741741 

Whatever you choose to do, or wherever you go, I am wishing you peace during this Holiday Season. 

 

The holidays provide for perhaps one of the most joyful and yet the most stressful times of the year. The season affords each of us an opportunity to reflect on the special meaning of the holidays whether related to personal relationships, family, or religion. 

What are some things with which we must cope during the holiday? 

Family quarrels, busy friends, negative media focus, job difficulties, relationship pain, financial stress—all of this can leave you feeling depressed, anxious, and alone. 

Let’s look at some of the most common holiday stressors: 

Family Tensions

We put our responsibilities to family—children, parents, siblings—over all other relationships we maintain. To not do so would run against the fabric of our culture and would be irresponsible. 

During the holidays, family commitments increase. We envision how it SHOULD be. Where do those ideas come from? We see perfect happy families in: 

• Magazines 

• Movies/TV programs 

• Commercials 

• Memories of Better Times 

Reality seems to never quite measure up and the difference causes disappointment, hurt, confusion, and frustration.
Don’t expect everyone to get along. Just because you’re related doesn’t mean you have to like everyone. If you’d prefer to spend time alone, do it! Or choose friends over family when possible. 

Don’t regress to your childhood self. Watch for triggers. Take a time out, go for a wall,k or just breathe. 

Remember to get regular exercise and don’t pick up mindless eating habits. Exercise and healthy eating can affect emotional well-being by relieving stress and raising spirits. 

If you’ve experienced the death of someone close to you, the holidays are when memories can come flooding back. Make the holidays meaningful by acknowledging what your loved one meant to you. Don’t try to suppress your feelings. The love you felt for the person is in those feelings. 

Loneliness

Conversely, having no family during the holidays can cause great stress and feelings of isolation and loneliness.
In this case, don’t focus on what you think others are doing—go out and do something yourself. 

1. Escape the holiday environment (Walk in the woods, go to a place where the holidays are less prominent. 

1. Volunteer: Go someplace where you are really needed: nursing homes, churches, hospitals, etc. 

1. Visit a place of worship or any place that brings you meaning and comfort. 

1. Invite a friend you haven’t seen in a while to dinner. 

1. Call an anonymous Hot-Line. Click here for a full listing of where to call. 

Relationship Challenges

Because the holidays emphasize togetherness, relationship challenges are particularly difficult this time of year. 

If you’re in a shaky relationship, make a pact that you will be gentle with another through the holidays. Give each other the gift of signing up for my couples workshop on Valentine’s Day weekend! (Email me for the details! Therapy@mkcocharo.com) 

If you’ve recently broken up, don’t dwell on how much more fun you’d be having if you were still together. Don’t troll Facebook and Instagram to compare your sad life with everyone else’s highlight reels! 

If you’re tempted to call the Ex, try to remember why you broke up. Own your loneliness. Restarting things during the holidays rarely works and will make you feel worse later on. 

Unrealistic Expectations

Aim for a comfortable holiday, not a wonderful one. Forget what you think it’s supposed to look like based on media expectations and commercialism. 

Start by entertaining the notion that most of life’s disappointments wouldn’t be nearly as devastating if we kept our expectations more in line with reality. 

Think back to a time when something you were reluctant to do turned out to be not so terrible after all—that delicious moment when you thought to yourself: “That wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be.” 

This revelation can bring a huge sigh of relief and remind us to hold expectations in check. Anytime we assume the worst, we set ourselves up for misery, even if the reality isn’t all that bad. 

Similarly, it can help to be realistic about your chances for a holiday that’s filled with nothing but serenity and happiness (hint: The odds are pretty low). Have you already forgotten about last year’s holiday dinner where everything wasn’t what you had hoped it would be? Have you vowed that this year things will be different? Of course, this wishful thinking assumes that you won’t be exhausted from cooking, cleaning, shopping, wrapping, and attending to all other holiday preparations, and that the people in your life will have new personalities! 

Your holiday may not be everything you want it to be. By choosing not to set your expectations unrealistically low or high, but instead allowing events to unfold however they do, you can help to eliminate the pain of disappointment from your holiday season. It will also help to cultivate a sense of humor and learn to laugh off all the less-than-perfect moments. 

My advice to you is to take a deep inventory of your relationship to the various aspects of the holiday season. Ask yourself, 

• What do I like least about the holidays? Give yourself permission to let it go. 

• What do I like best about the holidays? Make the time and energy to do those things. 

• Consider yourself before setting out to tackle others’ agendas. 

• I also want to encourage you to choose deliberate self-care:
  *Take time out daily to focus on serenity.
  *Be good to your body: limit food, sweets, and alcohol. Get exercise. Burn it off.
  *Meditate, pray, or employ relaxation techniques daily.
  *Look for the Good: Make a gratitude list or keep a journal of everything you’re grateful for. 

The Science of Happiness has shown that gratitude is your key to unlocking happiness and inner peace. 

Gratitude is being aware of and appreciating good things that happen and taking the time to express thanks. Praise and thanksgiving are an elevated form of prayer. It benefits your outlook, your attitude toward others, your mood, your health, your relationships, and your work. A gratitude-filled approach to life has the potential to enhance your general well-being both this holiday season and all year long. 

To make a daily gratitude list, take a piece of paper and divide it into four squares. In the top left corner, record 10 things that you’re grateful for. These can be large or small things. Example: I’m grateful that I had a hot shower, I’m grateful that my father is still alive, I’m grateful for my friends who love and support me in good times and bad, etc. 

In the top right corner, list three things that are challenging to you. Record situations, people, or any other obstacle in your way. Now write down what you’re learning from these challenges. 

In the bottom left corner of your page, list five people you’re thankful for, including family, friends, colleagues, or strangers who have made your life a little easier or happier. 

Finally, in the bottom right-hand corner of your page, record the best part of your day. Focus on this blessing before going to sleep. This is a surefire way to get a better night’s sleep and to wake up refreshed and eager to live another day. 

The beauty of keeping a gratitude list or journal is that it trains your mind to start looking for what’s positive throughout the day. 

Create New Memories

Make this the year to lay the foundation for many holidays to come. So think about new ways to celebrate, new places to visit, new foods to prepare. By creating a fresh set of traditions you will be giving yourself and your children something to look forward to. 

By replacing old memories with the new, you can make the holidays special again. 

Commit to Staying Conscious

We can accept or reject our causes of stress. Our choices are reflections of who we are as people. We can control our experiences of the holidays, or they can control us! 

Go out and create a miracle for yourselves this holiday season! See you in the New Year… 

 

Gift Ideas for Your Wife or Girlfriend 

This is a holiday guide for LATE Men – adult men who sometimes function like Lost, Angry Teenagers – late to mature and late to show up as fully functioning adults. They become stuck in an adolescent level of development. The LATE Men don’t understand women and what they need, and when their women express feelings and needs, they often react with anger.  

Lost Men and the Holidays 

The holidays are tricky and stressful for LATE Men. These men typically grew up in dysfunctional homes and were culturally influenced by a toxic code of masculinity. This code taught them how to be controlling and angry, and how to stuff their more sensitive feelings (sadness, shame, and fear). The holidays present LATE Men with challenges they are unprepared for.  

The LATE Men were never taught how to properly love and care for the women in their lives. So, they don’t know what to do during the holidays. Or they’re so angry they sabotage this special time of family connection and celebration. For example: 

• Due to shame and internal struggles, they numb themselves with alcohol, drugs, social media, and other activities – and they don’t show up for the holidays. 

• They’re angry because they feel burdened, unappreciated, or they’re running from their feelings – and they isolate, pick fights, or become excessively controlling. 

• Many LATE Men do their best to be helpful – even generous – but they miss the mark. They don’t really understand her needs or desires and they buy inappropriate gifts. Or they buy expensive gifts but don’t show up as loving partners.  

Five Gift Ideas for LATE Men  

Many women appreciate nice jewelry, perfume, and clothing – even electronic devices. These are perfectly nice, lovely gifts. They can also be impersonal, with little relational meaning or depth. LATE Men can do something different this year, and surprise her with a heartfelt gift of love and positive attention.  

These are five gifts for a LATE Man to surprise his wife or girlfriend – gifts that express heartfelt sentiments of appreciation, gratitude, and love. 

Give Her a Break

Let her know you will take care of things at home so she can go out with her friends. Cook and serve dinner for her (and don’t let her do the dishes). Make a commitment to do that once every week. Buy her a package of spa services for a few hours, a full day with friends, or an entire weekend. Organize and plan a romantic weekend trip for the two of you. These gifts are more special and loving when they are presented in a romantic greeting card (in your own handwriting!). 

The Gift of Emotional Connection

One of the biggest complaints made by women in couples therapy is the lack of emotional support and connection by their men. I suggest writing a letter to her that expresses your commitment to be attentive, responsive, and emotionally engaged on an ongoing basis. But no empty promises! Add a note in your personal calendar (one that shows up every week of the year) that reminds you of this commitment. Let her know that you intend to stay emotionally connected by truly listening to her with understanding and empathy.  

Practice being emotionally open and honest yourself. Most LATE Men have a mature, emotionally healthy part of them – a loving, responsible Adult self. Focus on putting your Adult self in charge and on maintaining a confident (not arrogant) loving connection with your wife or girlfriend.   

The Gift of Service

Women feel appreciated and loved when partners are helpful and actively contribute to the upkeep of home and hearth. A special holiday gift of service (which may arrive as a written promise in a card or letter) may include timely completion of your “Honey-do” list, organizing and cleaning the garage, painting the house, or planting flowers. Other gifts of service may be ongoing, with a written commitment to wash her car every week, vacuum the house weekly, or do the laundry on weekends.  

Romantic Gestures

Write her a romantic poem (AI can help but do your best to personalize it). Leave a love note for her once a week (surprise her by placing the notes in different locations – such as her car, on her pillow, in her closet). Buy her some flowers – or a single rose. Send her loving texts during the day. Shampoo her hair – or brush her hair. Give her a massage (without the expectation of sex). If you want other romantic ideas, try asking her!  

The Gift of Appreciation & Respect 

The sincere expression of gratitude, appreciation, and respect is one of the four cornerstones of a healthy, loving relationship (along with trust, emotional support, and positive attention). I suggest writing her a letter that details everything you are grateful for. Let her know that you recognize and appreciate all that she does, and all the love that she gives. What do you respect, admire, and honor her for? How is she your equal in life, and what has she taught you? Make a commitment to show her appreciation and respect every day. 

And one final gift a LATE Man can give his wife or girlfriend – and himself. The gift of therapy. LATE Men respond well to therapy with a focus on male psychology. Men can give themselves the gift of self-compassion and self-growth that comes with individual therapy. And they can give their relationship the gift of a secure, loving partnership with couple therapy.