The first Christmas after my son died, I couldn’t put up decorations. Christmas was a challenge to be endured rather than an anticipated event.  We, as a family, talked and shared memories about Andrew. We honored the traditions; opening presents, chattering to each other. We ate a lot. We talk about that Christmas as “we got through it.” 

The second Holiday season was harder and easier. I had a template of how to do it. At the same time, I realized Christmas would always tinged with loss. I grieved the loss of our family; the sense of everyone being together for Christmas.  We again chose to spend Christmas away from home. Christmas became smaller and less important. That worked for us.  

 The next couple Christmas’s (we’re at 5 this year) became a pattern.  I am now able to put up some decorations in the house. The tree, with handmade ornaments, has stayed impossible. I now say, when there are children, I’ll consider having Christmas at home.  

 There has been some pushback. Relatives saying out loud they want to see us at Christmas. We have invited them to ours up north. That hasn’t worked as a solution. Someone asked when this different Christmas “would be over” as if my grief, and my families loss would end. Hurtful but… 

 I think those comments come from seeing us grieving and wanting us to feel better. To me, it’s flawed thinking. I do feel better. Christmas remains difficult. Full of memories and longings for my son Andrew to be here again. He was such a big funny happy person. He loved Christmas. What helps me is to know he is in our hearts and watching out for us still. But this comfort doesn’t much touch the reality of the season.. he isn’t here, creating new memories.  

 People have different experiences with the loss of a child. Different ways of grieving, different stages. I don’t believe my grief will end. Which goes against some mental health perspectives.  

 What has worked for me is to accept my suffering. Accept that I will always grieve. This acceptance made life better; I am able to be happy. I am able to look forward to the legacy of my son. He was a happy person. He would want me, all of his family to be happy. To seek happiness. To laugh more. 

 I have accepted Christmas in a new form. Periods of happy times;  watching the gift opening and the music, the games, the food. Times with some real pain going on inside.  

 So here’s the advice I offer to you, the grieving person. Honor yourself. Honor your feelings. The people who love you are not you. They often struggle between fear of their own losses, sadness at watching you, and impatience or even resentment at the way you have changed. Let them have their feelings. Challenge your feelings of shame, the thought that you need to put on a happy face, to make it easier for them.  

Loss is a messy business. Full of feelings. It’s also a part of life.  Every Christmas, rooted in family traditions, should be different. I challenge the expectation we should just “go on” as if nothing happened. Something big happened. Loss should change us. Not overwhelm us. At least not always overwhelm us.   

The first year I cried in front of strangers, neighbors, in stores, and out on a walk. I overshared. I worked, I compartmentalized, I numbed out. I wrote in a journal. I meditated. I exercised. It all helped a little bit. There were hours where I felt significantly better. They didn’t last. My grief and loss comes in waves. The waves are less intense now. Happiness, joy, my sense of humor, my signature curiosity have come back. That said, I’m not the same.  

Since my son’s death, I have learned the cliche, that life can change in an instant is deeply true. I have done more, gone more places, challenged my fears, laughed at myself, lost friends, gained friends, and more openly loved the people I love.  

Creating a legacy to my son has helped me meet many people, expand my definitions of loss, gain positive perspectives, and practice gratitude. All are helpful in this new landscape. I’ve also felt jealousy at others easy talk about their children, been angry at the universe, and felt misunderstood and alone.  

My parents passed away before my son. I miss them. I talk about them. I talk to them sometimes!  For me, the loss of a child is like being in an entirely different country. Different language, different landscapes. I’ll share two parts which I don’t see enough about in the world.  

When I became a parent, my wiring changed. I felt a biological imperative to keep my children alive at all costs; even at the cost of my own life. I failed to keep my son alive. Those are the facts to me. I comfort myself knowing I tried every way I could. But denying the failure, denying the imperative just didn’t work. What worked was accepting I failed. From failure came forgiveness. I continue to work on forgiving myself for that failure.  

We have to work with regret in loss. We all made mistakes. We continue to do so. “What if” is not a helpful phrase. What if I did this or that? The truth is you will never know if that would have worked or helped. Try not to beat yourself up with what if… Even if “it” worked or helped someone else.  

Lastly, I offer comfort. Know as you stand with your family this Holiday season following your traditions, you are not alone. There are many people with you. Give yourself credit for showing up, for accepting this holiday is different, for bearing joy and sadness in the same body. Know every house has losses. Honor those who are not here with a toast, a memory, a joke.  As Andrew would say, “Come on! Let’s go open presents!” 

Gift Ideas for Your Wife or Girlfriend 

This is a holiday guide for LATE Men – adult men who sometimes function like Lost, Angry Teenagers – late to mature and late to show up as fully functioning adults. They become stuck in an adolescent level of development. The LATE Men don’t understand women and what they need, and when their women express feelings and needs, they often react with anger.  

Lost Men and the Holidays 

The holidays are tricky and stressful for LATE Men. These men typically grew up in dysfunctional homes and were culturally influenced by a toxic code of masculinity. This code taught them how to be controlling and angry, and how to stuff their more sensitive feelings (sadness, shame, and fear). The holidays present LATE Men with challenges they are unprepared for.  

The LATE Men were never taught how to properly love and care for the women in their lives. So, they don’t know what to do during the holidays. Or they’re so angry they sabotage this special time of family connection and celebration. For example: 

• Due to shame and internal struggles, they numb themselves with alcohol, drugs, social media, and other activities – and they don’t show up for the holidays. 

• They’re angry because they feel burdened, unappreciated, or they’re running from their feelings – and they isolate, pick fights, or become excessively controlling. 

• Many LATE Men do their best to be helpful – even generous – but they miss the mark. They don’t really understand her needs or desires and they buy inappropriate gifts. Or they buy expensive gifts but don’t show up as loving partners.  

Five Gift Ideas for LATE Men  

Many women appreciate nice jewelry, perfume, and clothing – even electronic devices. These are perfectly nice, lovely gifts. They can also be impersonal, with little relational meaning or depth. LATE Men can do something different this year, and surprise her with a heartfelt gift of love and positive attention.  

These are five gifts for a LATE Man to surprise his wife or girlfriend – gifts that express heartfelt sentiments of appreciation, gratitude, and love. 

Give Her a Break

Let her know you will take care of things at home so she can go out with her friends. Cook and serve dinner for her (and don’t let her do the dishes). Make a commitment to do that once every week. Buy her a package of spa services for a few hours, a full day with friends, or an entire weekend. Organize and plan a romantic weekend trip for the two of you. These gifts are more special and loving when they are presented in a romantic greeting card (in your own handwriting!). 

The Gift of Emotional Connection

One of the biggest complaints made by women in couples therapy is the lack of emotional support and connection by their men. I suggest writing a letter to her that expresses your commitment to be attentive, responsive, and emotionally engaged on an ongoing basis. But no empty promises! Add a note in your personal calendar (one that shows up every week of the year) that reminds you of this commitment. Let her know that you intend to stay emotionally connected by truly listening to her with understanding and empathy.  

Practice being emotionally open and honest yourself. Most LATE Men have a mature, emotionally healthy part of them – a loving, responsible Adult self. Focus on putting your Adult self in charge and on maintaining a confident (not arrogant) loving connection with your wife or girlfriend.   

The Gift of Service

Women feel appreciated and loved when partners are helpful and actively contribute to the upkeep of home and hearth. A special holiday gift of service (which may arrive as a written promise in a card or letter) may include timely completion of your “Honey-do” list, organizing and cleaning the garage, painting the house, or planting flowers. Other gifts of service may be ongoing, with a written commitment to wash her car every week, vacuum the house weekly, or do the laundry on weekends.  

Romantic Gestures

Write her a romantic poem (AI can help but do your best to personalize it). Leave a love note for her once a week (surprise her by placing the notes in different locations – such as her car, on her pillow, in her closet). Buy her some flowers – or a single rose. Send her loving texts during the day. Shampoo her hair – or brush her hair. Give her a massage (without the expectation of sex). If you want other romantic ideas, try asking her!  

The Gift of Appreciation & Respect 

The sincere expression of gratitude, appreciation, and respect is one of the four cornerstones of a healthy, loving relationship (along with trust, emotional support, and positive attention). I suggest writing her a letter that details everything you are grateful for. Let her know that you recognize and appreciate all that she does, and all the love that she gives. What do you respect, admire, and honor her for? How is she your equal in life, and what has she taught you? Make a commitment to show her appreciation and respect every day. 

And one final gift a LATE Man can give his wife or girlfriend – and himself. The gift of therapy. LATE Men respond well to therapy with a focus on male psychology. Men can give themselves the gift of self-compassion and self-growth that comes with individual therapy. And they can give their relationship the gift of a secure, loving partnership with couple therapy.