The holiday season is here. There were Christmas trees in my local major department store before Halloween! I read an article this week that stated that it takes most of us 20 hours to prep for the holidays. That feels like a conservative estimate to me. The author of that article quipped that it’s about 18 hours too long! 

Whether you love the season or hate it, it’s here and hard to ignore. My daughter lives in France. Of course, they don’t celebrate Thanksgiving. Sometimes I feel sad that she doesn’t have the pleasure of sitting around a table with close family and friends eating the traditional meal. When repeated year after year, our rituals trigger memories and nostalgia. I miss her at this event now that she’s not here. 

For some people, these annual meals trigger only memories of family dysfunction—arguing, fighting, drunkenness, or disruptive behavior. Or perhaps, loneliness, as you find yourself home alone with a frozen dinner and a store-bought slice of pie. We barely get through Thanksgiving, when the “real” holiday season hits! Let’s say that you love December with all the hustle and bustle, festivities, obligations, and demands. That’s nice and thank goodness someone feels good about it. 

Or, let’s say that you truly hate it, feeling dread and anxiety. For many, it’s a time of grieving the loss of those who are missing through death, divorce, or long distance. Or perhaps you like it, but still feel a lot of anxiety. This is normal. We all live busy lives, filled with work, relationships, family and friends, and more stuff to do than hours in the day. Adding the business of the holidays is likely to send us spinning. 

What is the #1 issue, problem or concern that you have about the holidays? Perhaps you are feeling pressured to spend money, overeat or drink, be social, or full of joy? High expectations around this time of the year can lead to disappointment and even depression. 

Plan ahead and plan now. 

An important tip for managing is to plan ahead and to plan now. Get in control of the season, rather than having it control you. Decide what’s most important to you and let the rest of it go. If you enjoy written correspondence, then by all means, send out cards. If you love baking, then Google some recipes and start producing those cookies! Above all, do not let societal or family expectations pressure you into doing anything that drains you or creates resentment. 

Set appropriate boundaries. 

As long as you’re getting in control, remember to set appropriate boundaries with your families at this time of the year. Give yourself the freedom to make wise choices about where, when and how much time you want with them. If you travel to see parents, consider staying in a hotel and renting your own car. You don’t have to act 12 again or sleep in a twin bed in your childhood bedroom! If visiting the family is out of the question, give yourself the freedom to find the people you want to be with. Create a Family of Choice. Be good to yourself and create the joy you desire. 

Or, if you truly need some downtime to just relax and be alone, that’s okay too. Get out into nature—take a hike, go for some walks, or look at the ocean. Read some books. Visit an animal shelter to pet some kitties. Take some relaxing baths. Donate your time at a charity organization. Work out. Feed the birds. Smell the roses! Make yourself the star of this story. 

Identify holiday goals. 

If you are in an intimate relationship, try to work together to identify your holiday goals. Structure your holiday time and plan activities together that nourish your connection. I suggest that the two of you sit down and discuss the meaning of this season for you. Which traditions feel important to keep and what new ones do you want to create? 

The holidays are here. They’re not going away, despite my often-expressed wish that we could just have them once every two to three years. (I often say that about birthdays, too, now that I’m getting older). 

Here are ten ideas to help you sail through the holidays: 

1. Take inventory of your holiday stress. 
2. Eliminate as much of what bothers you as possible. 
3. Structure your time. 
4. Plan activities that nourish. 
5. Give yourself the gift of self-exploration. 
6. Stay in the present. 
7. Remember to have gratitude for the good. 
8. Show compassion for others. 
9. Find meaning in the season. 
10. Give the gift of time, laughter, and patience to yourself, children, friends, and family. 

Remember, if you are truly struggling and having a particularly difficult time during this holiday season, you might benefit from talking to a compassionate therapist. You can also call a Mental Health Hotline if your anxiety or depression feels severe. They will be happy to talk to you and get you the help you need. 

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) 

Or, if texting is easier: 

Crisis Text Line: Text “home” to 741741 

Whatever you choose to do, or wherever you go, I am wishing you peace during this Holiday Season. 

 

Once we turn the clocks back in the fall and the hours of daylight get shorter, people might start to notice these concerning symptoms. See if any of this sounds like you starting in mid-November that gets better in the spring:  

• Depressed mood more often than not 

• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed 

• Increased appetite, especially for carbohydrates 

• Increased time in bed 

• More fatigue despite extra sleep 

• Increased restlessness or not wanting to move 

• Worthlessness or feelings of guilt 

• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions 

• Thinking about dying or suicide 

You are not crazy, and you are not alone. There are biological reasons for why our moods get worse in the winter. And there are ways to lessen these symptoms.  

If you checked off several of these, you may be experiencing Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). About two thirds of individuals that are diagnosed with depression will also experience SAD during the winter months. Some people without symptoms throughout the rest of the year experience this type of depression when it is darker outside. Symptoms typically get better starting in March with more hours of daylight, but you don’t have to wait until then. 

Why Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) Happens

There are several real reasons why SAD happens. One has to do with the overproduction of melatonin. This is a hormone that increases drowsiness in response to darkness. In the winter months, there are less daylight hours as well as decreased levels of sunlight because the sun is lower on the horizon. Sunlight helps our skin produce vitamin D which allows us to absorb calcium that aids bone growth. Low levels of vitamin D can make fatigue, muscle pain, ability to fight infection, and depression worsen. Additionally, people with SAD may have difficulty regulating serotonin, the feel-good neurotransmitter that affects our mood, appetite, and sleep. Studies have shown that sunlight keeps serotonin levels high by decreasing serotonin transporter (SERT) activity. Those who have SAD are found to have higher levels of SERT in the winter, which also can lead to depressive symptoms and poor mood regulation. Medications known as anti-depressants work by blocking SERT. They enhance the effects of serotonin, which is believed to reduce symptoms of depression. 

Less sunlight decreases serotonin activity which increases depression. The combination of these factors is a recipe for low mood, energy, and desire to take the very steps that make us feel better.  

If you or someone you love has a hard time in the winter, take action now. Being proactive can reduce the onset and impact that less sunlight has on us. Some people don’t notice SAD’s effects as much in December as we are distracted by the holiday season, setting up for a crash in January. The following tools may help to reduce and cope with the symptoms of SAD: 

• Monitor your vitamin D levels. In the colder months, we spend less time outside, often becoming deficient. Try to get at least 15 minutes a day of natural sunlight. Do not put on sunscreen for this short time as sunscreen blocks the production of vitamin D. If your levels are low, your doctor can prescribe a high dose of it to bring levels back quickly. Vitamin D is a supplement that is available over the counter. You can also increase your levels by eating foods rich in vitamin D. These include fatty fish, almonds, cheese, egg yolks, mushrooms, and fortified foods like milk, yogurt, cereal, and orange juice.

• Re-evaluate medication. If your symptoms are severe, consider taking an anti-depressant for this portion of the year. If you are already on medication, it may make sense for your provider to increase your dose or add another medication during the winter months.  

• Identify other medical issues. Your healthcare provider can rule out medical issues like hypothyroidism, anemia, infections, and mononucleosis that have symptoms similar to those listed above. 

• Take your vacation in the winter instead of the summertime. Travel to the southern latitudes. The closer you are to the equator, the more exposure you get to the benefits of the sun.  

• Consider therapy if SAD’s symptoms are affecting your activities of daily living. A therapist can help develop coping skills and offer accountability for healthy outlets when motivation is lower. 

The day with the least hours of daylight is the winter solstice which occurs on December 21st. Every day after we add a few more minutes of sunlight. Remembering that this is just a season and trying some of the suggestions above can help reduce feeling SAD. 

 

Cyndi Turner, LCSW, LSATP, MAC is the Co-Founder & CEO of Insight Into Action Therapy and Insight Recovery Centers. She is a harm reduction therapist who has been treating substance use disorders for three decades.  She designed the Alcohol Moderation Assessment which predicts who may be a successful candidate for alcohol moderation. Cyndi is the author of numerous articles and three books including The Clinician’s Guide to Alcohol Moderation: Alternative Methods and Management Techniques and Practicing Alcohol Moderation: A Comprehensive Workbook.  

 

 

 

Millions upon millions of Americans see their families during the holiday season. While a lot of us look forward to taking time off from work and spending quality time with our loved ones, just as many of us dread the holidays because we have to spend time with them. 

“Although holidays are often times of connection, joy, gratitude, friendship, and love, they can sometimes be times of frustration, fear, loneliness, and exhaustion,” explains Kendall Coffman, MS, a marriage and family therapist.  

In order to ensure your holidays are as enjoyable as possible, you need to understand some of the factors that cause family members to reach their wit’s end during the holiday season. Once you do, you can begin figuring out how to set boundaries with family and learn about some tactics you can use to navigate the holidays smoothly. 

Surviving the Holidays: Why People Feel Uncomfortable at Family Gatherings 

A recent survey found that — while 81 percent of Americans plan to see family members during the holiday season — just 55 percent were actually looking forward to it. 

In large part, this is due to the fact that families tend to argue over things like politics and religion during holiday dinners — particularly when there are copious amounts of adult beverages involved. 

But that’s not the only reason. That same study found that Americans don’t like seeing family during the holidays because 

• They don’t like sleeping on the floor or on the couch 
• They don’t want to be packed into a small space with tons of people 
• They wouldn’t be able to get intimate with their partner in their family member’s house 
• They wouldn’t be able to watch their favorite TV shows 

• They don’t like the food their family serves 
• They wouldn’t be able to walk around in their underwear 
• They’d have to share a room with a relative 

Of course, we’re still in the middle of a pandemic, which adds another layer of complexity into an already difficult time of the year. 

Now that you have a better idea of some of the main drivers of argumentative behavior at family gatherings, let’s turn our attention to what you can do to reduce the chances family members are at each other’s throats this holiday season. 

How to Establish Boundaries with Family 

For clinical psychologist Paul Greene, PhD, the holidays are the perfect time to start thinking about what kinds of behaviors are unacceptable and what your family can do to create workable boundaries. 

“Gathering with family for any of the holiday rituals is a good opportunity to reflect with a 360-degree perspective for discovering acceptable and enforceable boundaries,” Dr. Greene says. 

Since every family is different, you’ll need to ask yourself and at least some of your family members a series of questions to outline what your family’s boundaries might be. According to Dr. Greene, these are some of the questions you should ask: 

• Why are you gathering? 
• Which members of the family are most likely to cause trouble? 
• What are some of the pitfalls your family has encountered in the past? 
• What does the vision for a more acceptable gathering look like? 

Once you’ve come up with agreeable answers, you can then start to define the boundaries themselves. For example, boundaries with family might include no yelling, no political discussion, and no abusive behaviors. 

Whatever your family ultimately decides, by preparing ahead of time about the coming events, you will improve the odds for a better holiday, Dr. Greene says. At the same time, this will help you resolve issues before your family gathers so that fences are mended ahead of time. 

By now, you have a better understanding of some of the drivers of family grief during the holiday season as well as the way setting boundaries can help mitigate some of them. In the next section, we’ll explore some other tactics that can save you as you approach your next family gathering. 

What You Can Do to Navigate the Holidays Smoothly 

Other than outlining boundaries and doing everything you can to adhere toand enforce them, here are some additional tactics to keep in mind that can help you have productive and enjoyable family gatherings.

1. Set realistic expectations

According to Paul W. Anderson, PhD, who’s a licensed psychologist, it’s important for folks to set realistic expectations for the holidays. 

“In America, the holiday period is the emotional hurricane season,” Dr. Anderson says. “The most realistic expectation I offer people is to just get through the season with minimal ensnarement in family drama. This is not the time to pursue good feelings. It’s the time to survive, so later on you can find yourself in one piece.” 

If yours is a particularly politically divided family, prepare for the likelihood that someone will invariably start yapping about politics — even if your family has set a boundary of “no political discussions.” 

2. Don’t over-indulge

It’s no secret that Americans like to imbibe during the holidays. Of course, when people drink too much, they’re much more likely to get into arguments with their family members. 

If you can get through the holidays without too many spirits, there’s an easy fix: do as much as you can to abstain. 

“Drink enough but not too much alcohol,” Dr. Greene says. “That may mean zero or near-zero.” 

Unfortunately, this might not prevent your eccentric uncle from tossing them back and starting an argument about Ross Perot’s role in the 1992 U.S. presidential election. But if you keep your alcohol intake in check, you can at least rest comfortably knowing you won’t be making it worse.

3. Understand that it won’t last forever

When you’re in the middle of a difficult and tense family gathering, it may feel as though time is grinding to a halt. Even though the night might seem to stretch on forever, you need to remind yourself that this too shall pass, and that — eventually — you or your family will be headed back home. 

If you find yourself struggling during a particularly tense moment, Dr. Greene recommends staying patient by focusing on your breathing. 

“Practice counting to 10 before speaking, then breathe deeply, two seconds in and four seconds out,” he says. “Repeat as needed.”

4. Make your own rules

At the end of the day, there’s no reason any of us have to put ourselves into toxic situations just for the sake of it. This is part of the reason why many people are opting to spend holidays with their “chosen family” — i.e., their very close friends. 

“You are allowed to not invite someone to the party because they threaten your identity,” Coffman says. “You have permission to make your own rules this holiday.” 

At the same time, it’s also okay to get along with family members — and even love them — although they might disagree with you on various important topics. 

“You are also allowed to lean into fun, play, and excitement. You are allowed to love a family member who has different views than you,” Coffman concludes. “You get to decide what works best in your life this holiday. Protect your peace.” 

Getting Ready for Your Next Family Gathering 

Are you anticipating exceptionally difficult family gatherings this holiday season? If so, remember that you don’t have to go into the holidays on your own.  

If you need some help getting ready for the holidays, a therapist can help you get in the right frame of mind before the big days arrive. Start your search for the perfect therapist today.

 

For many, the holidays are a joyous time to celebrate our traditions, spread cheer, and love on those we care about. For others, however, the holidays bring up a lot of negative emotions. Some even dread the holidays.

Below are three tips for dealing with difficult family members.

3 Tips for Dealing with Difficult Family Members

1. Establish Boundaries Before the Holiday

If being around certain family members brings up negative emotions for you, one idea to consider is time spent with them. Think about how much time you want to spend with them during the holiday. For instance, it’s okay to put some time restraints in place. Instead of spending the entire day, you might consider spending a couple hours together. If you are traveling across the country, staying in a hotel or an Airbnb might be a better option than staying in your family member’s home.

You may want to think about an exit strategy from certain conversations.

You may want to think about an exit strategy from certain conversations. For example, if you feel like your family member is starting to get on your nerves, you might say something like, “I think I may go see if some help is needed in the kitchen.” This gives you a polite way of ending the conversation.

2. Steer Away from Touchy Topics

One of the wonderful things about the world is how diverse it is. Imagine for a moment, if everyone thought the same way, looked the same way, or acted the same way⁠—how boring the world would be? Keep in mind that many families have differences of opinions, beliefs, and faith traditions. If you are aware of your differences and know that conversations around those topics can quickly escalate, you may want to steer clear of those topics. For instance, if you have a more liberal bent politically and your parents are conservative, perhaps talking about if the president will win a re-election isn’t the best party starter. You may consider sticking to more to neutral topics. ⁠

3. Let Bygones Be Bygones

Many people struggle to let go of the past, especially when it comes to family members. If you find you fall into this camp, consider doing something different this year. For instance, if a family member has offended you and you are holding on to the hurt, think about letting it go. It could make all the difference in your holiday season.

What many people don’t realize is that holding on to grudges, resentment, and hurt feelings takes a lot of emotional energy. It impacts your mental health and well-being. Letting go of the hurt doesn’t mean you don’t do or say anything about it. What it means is that you are choosing to do something about it. In so doing, you are empowering yourself. Perhaps talking to a therapist or a trusted friend about it could be helpful.

You don’t have control over what people say or how they behave. However, you can take responsibility for how you respond to being offended. If it warrants a conversation, think about reaching out to your family member prior to the holiday and asking if you can talk to them. A simple conversation might look like: “There is something that has been on my mind that I would like to talk to you about. When would be a good time?” If they agree, set up a time to talk. It’s quite possible you can have a healing conversation, if done well. It could prove to be a life changing conversation for your relationship.

Of course, not all past offenses are so easy to resolve, and having a healthy conversation may not even be possible. If that’s the case, you still have a choice in how you will let their offense influence you. You can still choose to let the offense go, understanding that it may be about the other person and not you. You can also choose to forgive the person even when it feels like an unforgivable offense. You get to decide how you want to respond.

You have more control over your holidays and difficult family members than you may think. Decide today what type of holiday you want to experience. You may consider politely asking everyone in your family to be patient, kind, and loving. Keep the focus on your reason for celebrating this holiday season.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Christmas is coming up and I’m dreading it. I’m so sick of all the commercialization. I’m also pretty much broke. I know I’m going to get all kinds of gifts, some of which are expensive, and the expectation will be that I return the favor.

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Christmas is big in my family, and everyone tends to spend big accordingly. Even if I had money to spend, though, I don’t want to spend it on gifts. And I work two jobs, so I don’t have time to make things for people. So I don’t know what to do. I just want to skip Christmas and go straight to New Year’s, but instead I’m going to have to deal with all kinds of guilt over not being a good reciprocal gift giver. If you have any ideas or words of wisdom for me, I’ll take them. —Giving Up

Dear Giving Up,

You are not alone in dreading the expectations of the holidays. What once felt like it was about gathering with loved ones and sharing in the joy of the season has, for many, become about obligation. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Do you think your family would be open to looking at this holiday differently? Some families are moving in a direction to replace tangible gifts with experiences. Would that be something you could all discuss?

My recommendation would be to talk about how you are feeling with your family. Let them know you aren’t able to participate in lavish gift giving. You could ask them what might be something meaningful they would like from you. If you are clear with them before they select a gift for you, they can still choose to give you an expensive gift; they cannot expect you to return the favor.

For some families, doing Christmas “big” is half the fun of the season. You can, however, define for yourselves what big means.

If your family traditions are inspiring feelings of guilt rather than joy, before the holidays is a good time to talk about them. For some, the giving is what brings them joy—even without the expectation of a return. For some families, doing Christmas “big” is half the fun of the season. You can, however, define for yourselves what big means. It doesn’t necessarily have to be the price tag that is big. What could make the holiday fun for you? If you come with some suggestions about what you’d like the holiday to be or mean, you may find that others get excited about your ideas. At the very least, you are starting a dialogue about what matters to you and what you hope your family traditions may be.

If you have been honest with your family, and they have let you off the hook for lavish gift exchange and you are still feeling guilty, you may want to explore those feelings with a therapist. You may want to look at how you wish to engage with your family around holidays and other traditions in ways that work for you. Sometimes we believe it is impossible to break out of family patterns that seem entrenched. Getting support on how to start that process could be helpful.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC