Why is change so hard?

There are many fine details and complexities that contribute to each person’s unique experience in therapy, causing no two therapy sessions to look the same. However, a commonality amongst nearly all people seeking therapy is the desire for change. Almost every therapeutic process is centered around how to foster change. Therapy is complex and intricate, but the solutions to create change are often quite simple. If you have a drug addiction, stop using drugs. If you have restricted eating, eat. If you are depressed, move more. If you are anxious, slow down. If you have relational conflict, stop reacting emotionally, etc. It’s the process of change that is brutal, regardless of how great the benefit is. I am not immune to this construct. Having been trained to always ask “why” as a therapist, I sought to find the answer to “why is change so hard.” 

When Covid-19 hit my corner of the world I was in my last semester of graduate school for Clinical Mental Health Counseling, preparing to move to a different state and planning my wedding. Additionally, I was battling a knee injury. My mind and body have become accustomed to rigorous cardio as a means for releasing stress, time for reflection, and a dopamine boost. Running is a distraction from work and adds structure to my day. It is my main means of regulation. Having been a daily runner for over a decade, not being able to rely on running for my sense of sanity during an extra chaotic time was especially dysregulating. With races being canceled, classes going online, and a constant feeling of chaos around me, I longed for structure and familiarity. To put it simply, I wanted the changes to just stop. 

One thing particularly grounding to me about running is the endless distraction it provides to stressors in my life when trying to reach certain goals. In running there are always new milestones to reach whether it be faster paces or a longer distance. I yearned for something tangible to work towards. With getting faster or going longer not being feasible due to my injury, I decided to focus more on the fine details of exercise. My cadence (amount of steps taken per minute) is lower than the ideal and most efficient running form and is a potential cause of my injury. This seemed like a good place to start. I read up on it a bit and multiple sources told me “the best way to increase cadence is to run with a metronome,” meaning I  would run with an app that beeps every time I was supposed to take a step. I thought nah. A) running with a beep in my ear 170 times a minute annoys me so much, I want to throw my phone just thinking about it. B) Surely, I can increase my cadence without a metronome.  

The harsh reality of change

During this time I was working as a case manager at a residential treatment center for drug addiction. Many times, when asking the residents what their plan to maintain sobriety was they would say they would just stop using. They were sick of their old ways, ready for change, ready for better and willpower was all it would take. I would often challenge their mindset and question their naivety at how “easy” it would be, but here I was falling into the same trap. After all, how hard is it to just take more steps, a simple solution to change, right? Yeah, that didn’t work.  

Just like addictive patterns become engraved in a person, my running form is engraved in me; I couldn’t willpower my way into a higher cadence. I eventually gave in and paid 99 cents for an app with an annoying little beep, cuz you know, I was committed to becoming a better runner. At first, I had the beeping in the background with music on—that didn’t work. I just tuned out the beeping. Then I thought I could have the beeping without the music and my body would naturally fall in sync with it. Nope, that didn’t work. For this to work I literally had to stay focused on the beep the entire time I was running. I had to consciously think 84 times a minute is my right foot stepping in sync with the beat. The second and I mean the literal second my mind wandered (like it typically does when I am running) my cadence dropped. I was experiencing why change was so hard. On my tenth-ish attempt, I finally accepted there was only one way to increase my cadence. I would have to surrender to the beep. It would take over my runs. Half a mile into my run, I thought damn, this is some hard-core change I’m doing here (as soon as I thought that, my cadence dropped because I wasn’t thinking about the beep).  

The treatment program was set up in a way that constantly reminded the residents to not use drugs. There were several hours of group and individual therapy a day focused on changing their behavioral patterns. Residents endured daily drug tests and sanctions for inappropriate language or behavior indicative of their “old ways.” The facility required documentation and notification of where they were at, what they were doing, and when they would come back, sending the message: people are watching you, don’t mess up. I began to realize that my hour-long runs of intentional behavioral change (becoming more and more annoying by the second) were these residents every single waking moment. How exhausting. 

It was not uncommon for residents at the treatment center to start using shortly after graduation, despite how badly they claimed to want sobriety. Were they lying?  I want to become a better runner. I’ll tell you and mean it with all my heart: “I would do anything to become a better runner.” At the same time, I admittedly have said “screw it” and accepted a lower cadence, causing inefficient running, making me more injury prone, and preventing me from becoming a better runner. I want to become a better runner really badly, but the process of change simply sucks. It’s hard to stay so focused and alert and it makes running less fun, ruining my coping skill. It seems like it’s never going to get better and I’ll have to run with a beep in my ear for the rest of my running career—no thanks. I can’t blame the residents for wanting to get rid of their beep. 

It takes more than willpower to change

So often we hear that the reason for people staying stuck in their lives is that they lack willpower, determination, or motivation. It’s easy to scrutinize people for not taking seemingly simple steps to live more fulfilling lives. However, it takes more than willpower to change. Successful change requires attending to the beep 170 times a minute. Usually, the beep is not one behavior like taking a step. It’s every single move they make. For example, individuals in recovery from a drug addiction need to consider where they work, who they hang out with, what they watch on TV., what kind of books they read, what music they listen to, where they live, how they provide for their family, how they interact with others, what they are thinking about, how they are spending their free time, what they do to cope, etc. All of these things factor into recovery, and many of these things have become subconscious behavioral patterns and means of regulation to their daily lives, automatic responses so to speak. It doesn’t matter how bad they want it, there is no way to achieve it without consistent and perpetual practice….and agony.  

Whether in fitness, relationships, bad habits, or toxic traits, change is never easy. The journey of change for me, and so many others is a process along the lines of: 

Try it 

Hate it. 

Quit. 

Try again. 

Become extremely dysregulated. 

Quit. 

Try longer this time. 

Feel defeated because you still can’t get it right. 

Quit again. 

Try again. 

Repeat over and over until you either A) give up for good or B) no longer have to think about it and it becomes an automatic part of you. 

How many times do you have to repeat? The answer to that question remains unknown and varies from person and circumstance, making the change process all the more scary and gruesome. Many of the individuals at the treatment center were in their 3rd, 4th…9th, 10th round of treatment. Whether it be yourself, a loved one, or a client, remember to approach change with compassion and understanding of how painfully difficult it always is.  

The solution is simple, the process is treacherous.  

The Power of Habits Part 1: How Habits Can Be Helpful

Ah, January. It’s the time of year when we’re more likely to think about habits. We all have habits, good or bad. Some of us might find ourselves biting our nails, smoking, doomscrolling, or drinking too much coffee. We might also have habits of sleeping well, engaging in a relaxing hobby, and exercising regularly.

When we hear the word habit, we may imagine something bad or negative that is a problem in our daily lives. Actually, though, the term “habit” is neutral, the act of forming habits in the brain is a natural process. and we can harness the power of habits to help us create the lives we want and shape the selves we want to grow into.

Gretchen Rubin, author of best-selling self-help books like The Happiness Project and Better Than Before, told Goop, “Habits are the invisible architecture of everyday existence.” So what exactly are we talking about when we talk about habits? 

What Is a Habit?

In simple terms, a habit is something that we do often and without much thought. It has become a part of our routine that we do without working very hard or thinking about it much – a habit basically skips the decision-making part of our brains. 

According to British educator Charlotte Mason, whose philosophy of education is known for its focus on habit-formation, “We are all mere creatures of habit. We think our accustomed thoughts, make our usual small talk, go through the trivial round, the common task, without any self-determining effort of will at all. If it were not so — if we had to think, to deliberate, about each operation of the bath or the table — life would not be worth having; the perpetually repeated effort of decision would wear us out.” This is what we call decision-fatigue, and Mason is right – habits help us cut down on the number of decisions we’re making each day. The question, then, becomes whether the habits we have, that are bypassing that decision-making process, are the habits we really want.

Some habits are considered harmful because they do not contribute to our physical, emotional, or behavioral well-being. These are things that might be regarded as bad, like being late, not getting enough sleep, emotional drinking, or swearing in front of your 2-year-old nephew.

Good habits help us live healthier, happier, and more productive lives. Think of behaviors like brushing your teeth, connecting with your partner every day, and practicing mindfulness. These are considered good because they help us live healthy, peaceful lives both now and in the future.

Benefits of Good Habits

Self-Identity

Our habits help define who we are as individuals. Through them, we can establish ourselves in the world. One of the most encouraging things bout habits is that each one started with an individual choice. So, if you decide you want to be the kind of person who reads for pleasure 30 minutes each day, you can start to become such a person by choosing to do crack open a book and set a timer today. Engaging in healthy repetitive actions can help us learn to love ourselves and promote personal growth.

Reach Your Goals

Utilizing and implementing good habits can help us reach our goals. Sometimes, our goals are harder to reach because our poor habits prevent us from achieving them. By establishing good actions in place of bad ones, we can finally achieve our goals. (This is a key part of habit formation that we’ll explore later in this series.) 

Establish Consistency

Consistency is a critical component of good mental health. Establishing healthy repetitive actions throughout our life can help us establish a good and consistent routine. This consistency keeps us on a healthy track. By choosing which behaviors we want to turn into habits, we can essentially lay down the tracks we want the train of our lives to run on. (That’s a Charlotte Mason metaphor, actually.) 

Improve Quality of Life

With increased motivation and will to lean on what is good for us rather than what is bad for us, we get more out of life. Establishing good behaviors enables us to stray away from the things that hold us back and run towards what is good. 

Sew Life-Long Change

Life-long change can be hard to achieve. When we have destructive behaviors in our lives, changing them can feel impossible. But that’s not true. Establishing good habits is hard work, but it sews life-long change in our lives. By working hard to establish good routines, consistency, and repetitive actions, we improve the quality of our life for years to come.

Are you eager to replace bad habits with good habits? Click here to connect to a mental health provider in your area.

For more in this series, see 

The Power of Habits, Part 2: Leaving Habits Behind

The Power of Habits, Part 3: How to Form a Good Habit

Citations

Mason, C. (n.d.). Home Education. Part III. “Habit Is Ten Natures.” V. The Laying Down of Lines of Habit. Retrieved January 13, 2021, from https://www.amblesideschools.com/manual/Charlotte-Mason/part-iii-habit-ten-natures

Rubin, G. (2018, July 06). Better Than Before: Making & Keeping Resolutions. Retrieved January 13, 2021, from https://goop.com/wellness/mindfulness/better-than-before-making-keeping-resolutions/