Social media enable everyone to build, create, and curate their own brand. Others interact with this personal brand, refining and changing it. This dynamic process can create a social media image that feels divorced from the person behind the profile.

Most social media profiles present a person’s life through rose-colored glasses, depicting only the best and most likable aspects of a person. A single “candid” image might have required hours of preparation and hundreds of photographic outtakes. The unfavorable or imperfect images all go unseen.

For some individuals, social media use can contribute to impostor syndrome. These individuals may have trouble acknowledging their accomplishments. They may feel as if their true selves don’t live up to their reputations and feel severe self-doubt as a result. An estimated 70% of people will feel impostor syndrome during their lifetime.

Recognizing Impostor Syndrome

In the 1970s, researchers first identified the phenomenon among high-achieving women who felt like frauds. Since then, researchers have identified impostor phenomenon among many groups, including white men. Yet marginalized groups—women, genderqueer individuals, racial/ethnic minorities, people with disabilities, etc.—may be more vulnerable to impostor syndrome.

Historically marginalized communities see fewer examples of successful people who look like them. Oppression, discrimination, and microaggressions may help activate feelings of self-doubt. A 2017 study linked impostor syndrome among racial and ethnic minority students to increased depression and anxiety.

People with impostor syndrome may worry that they have fooled everyone into overestimating their talent, intelligence, popularity, etc. They often believe their success is merely illusory, a product of luck instead of merit. Other common characteristics of impostor syndrome include:

• Being unable to claim credit for one’s own achievements. For example, a woman receiving an award at work might downplay her contributions and highlight the accomplishments of her team.
• Fearing judgment for perceived failures or shortcomings. They may fear being “found out.”
• Not feeling a sense of belonging. This is especially prevalent among minorities in competitive workplaces, political organizations, and other groups whose membership provides social status.

Impostor syndrome can sometimes be a self-fulfilling prophecy. When people are unable to claim credit for their achievements, others may be less likely to notice those achievements. This can slow career progress, reducing rewards and encouragement which could convince a person that they deserve their success.

How Social Media Can Amplify Impostor Syndrome

Social media platforms allow a person to display the things they most want others to see. Some social media users are better at this than others, creating a compelling personal brand that creates the illusion of a perfect and highly successful life. The ready availability of social media profiles makes it easy to compare oneself to dozens of other people in just a few minutes. A person can even search for people with similar backgrounds, in similar jobs, or of the same age.

The viewer can’t compare to this flawless image. This can lead to insecurity and impostor syndrome, especially when a person compares themselves to people at work, school, or those in the same profession.

Social media users may be able to push back against impostor syndrome by viewing social media as a curated, deliberate branding effort—not an honest and complete presentation of a person’s life.It’s easy for even mundane aspects of daily life to become a source of comparison online. Self-care, for example, is vital for well-being. It can also be a way to signal how much leisure time, support, and money a person has. A struggling college student who sees photos of their peer at an expensive spa may feel hopeless about their own prospects for self-care.

Parenting, pet ownership, gift-giving, time management, and even cleaning can likewise trigger social media comparisons. So while a person who felt like an impostor at work might previously have comforted themselves with reassurances about their other skills, social media make it possible to feel inadequate across numerous domains.

Over time, this constant comparison can lead to impostor syndrome and other mental health issues. A person viewing an apparently flawless life may wonder, “Why can’t I do that?” The reality is that the person who appears to be living a flawless life probably doesn’t lead the life they present on social media.

A 2017 study found people who spent 121 minutes or more per day on social media were more likely to report feelings of isolation and identify with statements such as “I feel like people barely know me.” Other studies also support a link between heavy social media use and worsening mental health. For instance, a 2015 study of adolescents found that those who used social media for more than two hours per day were more likely to report poor mental health.

Social Media Literacy

Social media can undermine our sense of what is normal. For example, after days of scrolling through perfectly organized homes, people with flawless skin and hair, or employees who never make mistakes at work, a social media consumer may begin to view these experiences as the norm. This can be deeply unsettling, especially for those who are already vulnerable to impostor syndrome. A person may also view their own social media image as fraudulent while taking another person’s image at face value.

Social media users may be able to push back against impostor syndrome by viewing social media as a curated, deliberate branding effort—not an honest and complete presentation of a person’s life. Social media accounts act like personal advertisements, highlighting the good and framing a person’s life in only the most positive terms.

How to Deal with Impostor Syndrome

A handful of strategies may help counteract impostor syndrome. These include:

• Consuming representative and diverse media. When minorities see people who look like them in successful roles, they may be less likely to feel like frauds.
• Employ cognitive strategies. Remind yourself that many successful people feel like impostors. People often present a much more confident, “together” image than they internally feel.
• Limit social media usage if it consistently hurts your self-esteem.
• Find a mentor who has similar experiences to your own.
• Build a diverse support system.
• Remind yourself of recent accomplishments. Keeping a file of compliments or awards may help. Remember that achievements may also be more subtle, such as training a subordinate to succeed in their role or improving morale at the office.

Therapy can help with impostor syndrome and the painful emotions it triggers. A therapist can also help an individual prevent impostor syndrome from hindering their success. In therapy, a person may learn cognitive-behavioral strategies for correcting self-defeating thoughts. They might explore how their history—familial, cultural, and social—influences their self-concept. Or they might practice strategies for becoming more assertive and taking credit for their achievements.

A licensed counselor can help you manage impostor syndrome and prevent social media from destroying self-esteem. You can find a counselor here.

References:

1. Bothello, J., & Roulet, T. J. (2018, April 28). The imposter syndrome, or the mis-representation of self in academic life. Journal of Management Studies, 56(4), 854-861. Retrieved from https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/joms.12344
2. Brooks, R. (2017, April 24). Study: Impostor syndrome causes mental distress in minority students. USA Today. Retrieved from https://www.usatoday.com/story/college/2017/04/24/study-impostor-syndrome-causes-mental-distress-in-minority-students/37430839
3. Cokley, K., Smith, L., Bernard, D., Hurst, A., Jackson, S., Stone, S., . . . Roberts, D. (2017). Impostor feelings as a moderator and mediator of the relationship between perceived discrimination and mental health among racial/ethnic minority college students. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 64(2), 141-154. Retrieved from https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2017-09930-002
4. Imposter syndrome? 8 tactics to combat the anxiety. (2018). Retrieved from https://www.americanbar.org/news/abanews/publications/youraba/2018/october-2018/tell-yourself-_yet–and-other-tips-for-overcoming-impostor-syndr
5. Sakulku, J. (2011). The impostor phenomenon. International Journal of Behavioral Science, 6(1), 75-97. Retrieved from https://www.tci-thaijo.org/index.php/IJBS/article/view/521
6. Weir, K. (2013). Feel like a fraud? gradPSYCH Magazine, 11(1), 24. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2013/11/fraud

Low self-esteem has become an epidemic in our society. Feelings of unworthiness and an impaired self-image can occur starting at a young age and may lead to mental health issues, including depression and anxiety. People who lack confidence in their abilities may negatively compare themselves to others and may refrain from trying new things out of fear of failure.

Because of unrealistic media portrayals of what a healthy body looks like, young girls and women can be especially vulnerable to developing low self-esteem and body image issues. When girls are conditioned to believe skinny bodies are desirable and should be the norm, they may feel inadequate by comparison. According to a survey conducted in 2016, 69% of women and 65% of girls feel pressured to attain an unrealistic standard of “beauty.” The negative impact on their overall view of themselves can lead to decreased self-confidence and feelings of unworthiness, as well as “yo-yo dieting” and/or eating disorders.

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Social media can also contribute to an impaired view of self-worth, as many people tend to compare their lives with others and may feel they come up lacking. Seeing only happy moments and pictures posted online can create a discrepancy in what people would like to see in their own lives and the reality of what is happening. Understanding that social media portray an unrealistic and limited view of people’s experiences is important to keep in mind.

Because low self-esteem can be so harmful, finding ways to feel better about ourselves and our abilities is vital to our well-being. The following are some methods that can be used to help increase self-esteem:

• Don’t beat yourself up. A common issue for people with low self-esteem is negative self-talk. If you have a tendency to beat yourself up, try to replace the negative inner dialogue with positive statements about yourself. Look for your strengths and focus on these, rather than on your weaknesses. When you catch yourself berating yourself, replace the negative self-talk with positive affirmations about yourself.
• Don’t compare yourself to other people. We are all special and unique, with different gifts to offer. Trying to become like others or to measure up to others’ standards can be exhausting and make us feel inadequate. Concentrate instead on being the best version of yourself that you can be and on improving on the innate skills you already possess.
• Avoid perfectionism. We are all human and therefore imperfect. Striving for an idealized version of yourself can be detrimental, as you will never be able to achieve perfection. While having attainable goals to work toward is important, don’t feel as if you have to do everything perfectly. Failure can actually be beneficial at times, as we may learn valuable lessons that can help us with future endeavors.
• Develop a healthier relationship with your body. If you tend to struggle with body image issues, work toward developing a better outlook by focusing on health rather than on weight. Choose healthy eating options whenever possible without going overboard. In addition, find an activity you enjoy that you can commit to on a regular basis. This could be going for a daily walk after work, taking a kickboxing or yoga class, or working out at the gym.
• Limit your use of social media. Try to avoid spending too much time on social media, as this can lead to unrealistic expectations regarding relationships and lifestyles. Remember that most people only post pictures that make their lives appear happy and fun, but that this is not an accurate representation of their experience as a whole. Spending too much time looking at what others are doing also means we are spending less time enjoying our own lives.
• Set attainable goals. Determining what to focus on in our lives is important, so take some time to set some goals for yourself and break these down into small steps that can gradually help you accomplish them. Feeling we are making progress toward our dreams can help to boost our confidence levels and make us feel good about ourselves.
• Meet with a counselor. If self-esteem issues have become a serious problem in your life and/or have led to depression, anxiety, substance abuse, or an eating disorder, you may want to consider meeting with a therapist in order to work on healing any inner wounds and improving your self-image.

Although low self-esteem has become commonplace in our society, there are ways we can work on developing a healthier sense of self. Try some or all of the ideas listed above to increase your self-confidence and start to feel better about yourself. If you want support, contact a licensed therapist.

Reference:

New Dove research finds beauty pressures up, and women and girls calling for change. (2016, June 21). Retrieved from http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/new-dove-research-finds-beauty-pressures-up-and-women-and-girls-calling-for-change-583743391.html

You are surrounded by millions of people with an incredible amount of power, and they don’t even know it. The power they have comes with no effort, and often grows stronger over time. All this, and no lightsaber!

So who has it, and how do you get some?

That power is given to the people in your life when you allow their behavior to change yours. When you avoid socializing with friends because you feel they will judge your weight, your clothes, or hairstyle, you give those friends your power. When you feel you can’t be yourself with peers or have a voice in your relationship for fear of judgment or shame, you give away your power. When you allow the outside world to determine your value, you relinquish your power.

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In other words, the power you give away is the authority to define your self-worth and be in control of your life.

A healthy perspective of yourself is as vital to your well-being as your heart is to keeping you alive. Your measurement of self-worth impacts your mood, your job, relationships, marriage, and your outlook on the future. You carry that measurement around in your mind every day, high or low, and it becomes the way you absorb and react to the world around you. When a pattern develops of comparing yourself to others and believing you will never measure up, this may lead to distorted perceptions of who you think you are and what you are capable of.

You may be relinquishing your power when you:

1. Believe life happens “to you” and your efforts don’t improve the outcomes. It seems safer to sit back and let life happen.
2. Feel helpless, insignificant, or incompetent in comparison to others, or that your voice doesn’t matter.
3. Experience life as an endless emotional roller coaster. You find that your mood tends to match the ups and downs that come along each day. This may include increased anxiety, depression, or a sense of being “stuck.”
4. Struggle with forming meaningful relationships.

A healthy perspective of yourself is as vital to your well-being as your heart is to keeping you alive. Your measurement of self-worth impacts your mood, your job, relationships, marriage, and your outlook on the future.

Alternatively, embracing the unique person you are, with all of your flaws and imperfections, puts an ever-present lightsaber in your hand, empowering your sense of self to do battle with incoming negativity. This renders comparison-making less meaningful, allowing you to participate with people and events in your life in a more positive and realistic way.

You can restore your power when you:

1. Embrace the outlook that life’s joy comes from your full participation, feeling empowered and worthy. Next, add the affirmation that this can happen “because of” you!
2. Gain awareness of the people and situations that cause you to feel inadequate, less competent, and make you want to withdraw or live in the shadows. Recognize how these situations influence your symptoms of anxiety and depression. Take some time on your own, or with the help of a professional counselor, to better understand these thoughts and emotions and the steps you can take to overcome them.
3. Recognize that your self-worth is of equal value to everyone else’s; decide to choose to believe THAT above all else.
4. Choose one person whose friendship you value and experiment with being the “authentic you” in their company. Take note of how you feel about yourself in those moments and how being your authentic self affects your relationship over time.

Consider how the power flows in your life. Do you give it away, allowing distorted perceptions to impact how you feel about yourself and your ability to influence your life? Or do you embrace it, empowering the authentic you to define your self-worth and control your life? The latter is worth fighting for. Grab your lightsaber!

As someone who works a lot with self-esteem, I’m always curious to know where people are with their feelings of self-worth and self-acceptance. Some enter my office reassuring me that self-esteem is not a problem for them. But as we start to work together, I often begin hearing patterns that indicate a person may have perfectionist tendencies. People are sometimes surprised to hear that perfectionism and low self-esteem often go hand-in-hand.

People with perfectionist tendencies habitually judge and measure themselves by what was not accomplished, rather than what was. They see the 95% on a test and focus on the 5% of questions they got wrong. They come in second place and beat themselves up for not coming in first. They fail to see the beauty of their artwork, instead focusing on the smudges no one else would notice. Or they get hung up on the few tasks they didn’t quite accomplish while overlooking the progress they did make despite the barriers that may have gotten in the way.

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The language and self-talk of perfectionist people tends to include a lot of “should” statements: I should have performed better; I should have practiced harder; I should have achieved more. They set up unrealistic, rigid, or too lofty expectations, which inevitably result in feelings of failure and inadequacy.

Being a perfectionist is not the same thing as having healthy goals. Striving to grow and better yourself is a healthy endeavor when coupled with the knowledge that doing so takes time and no matter what, you will still have shortcomings. When a person is unable to accept weaknesses and failures, they never feel “good enough” and self-esteem is impaired. Perfectionist people tend to be highly critical and judgmental, especially regarding themselves.

Procrastination and an inability to make decisions are often other symptoms of perfectionism. For a perfectionist, making a decision, even a seemingly insignificant one, can become very difficult due to fear of making a wrong or bad choice. For example, it may be difficult to choose a restaurant out of fear your suggestion may disappoint your partner or friend. Perfectionists may delay or put off making decisions or starting new endeavors out of concern they won’t get it exactly right. For some people, this can result in extreme anxiety. The problem with indecisiveness and procrastination driven by perfectionism is that the further we get from being able to voice our opinions or follow our dreams, the more we lose our identity and let feelings of self-worth slip away.

Perfectionism and low self-esteem become a vicious cycle. The more a person fails to meet their expectations, the worse they feel about themselves.

In her book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, Brené Brown defines perfectionism as a self-destructive and addictive belief system driven by feelings of shame. “Research shows that perfectionism hampers success,” she writes. “In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis.”

Perfection is impossible, but rather than accept this as true, people with perfectionist tendencies often go on seeking to achieve it. Perfectionism and low self-esteem become a vicious cycle. The more a person fails to meet their expectations, the worse they feel about themselves, and thus the harder they strive to meet impossible expectations in an attempt to boost feelings of self-worth.

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Perfectionism can also take a toll on relationships. People with perfectionist tendencies often aim to achieve intimacy and approval by trying to appear perfect to those around them. They may put on a facade to hide their true selves, which naturally includes imperfections, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. This front tends to limit closeness in relationships and may make others uncomfortable, as the person with perfectionism may be viewed as fake, unapproachable, or inflexible. Over time, attempts to be and appear perfect can lead to burnout.

How to Overcome Perfectionism

Escaping perfectionist tendencies can be a daunting task. Our society is filled with media and advertising that portray unrealistic standards of existence, and it can be difficult to accept these as inflated and embellished paradigms rather than as possible and attainable ideals.

If you recognize that you have perfectionist tendencies, accept it as a normal and common issue rather than criticizing yourself. Think about what your beliefs and potentially irrational thoughts are regarding what will happen if you are not perfect. Work toward making peace with imperfections and recognizing that perfection is an unreachable and fleeting goal.

Relax your standards, lower the bar for yourself, and begin setting more realistic goals. Cut yourself some slack and watch out for the tendency to overcompensate for flaws rather than just accept yourself as human. Partner with a therapist if you need some help. Remember, mistakes are how we learn. It may benefit you to adopt an affirmation or mantra, such as, “I do the best I can.” Praise yourself for the accomplishments in your day, no matter how small they may seem.

As you begin to practice self-acceptance and give yourself praise for the things you have accomplished, your perfectionism may gradually lessen. Letting go of the tendency to dwell on limitations or deficiencies may allow you to both feel better about yourself and focus your energy on positive and achievable growth.

Reference:

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Center City, MN: Hazeldon.

For people who define themselves as socially awkward, the perceived risk of being seen in endlessly negative ways—inadequate, ugly, boring, stupid, anxious, depressed, empty, arrogant, fat, pathetic, etc.—is always present. When I think about people in therapy who see themselves as socially awkward, I find little correlation between how I experience each individual as a social person and how they think of themselves. Every one of them seems to have characteristics that I enjoy and admire, and they are often (but not always) in occupations of respectable social status. However, for the “socially awkward” person who supposedly “knows” how little they have to offer to the world, the facts of their occupational status or character are irrelevant.

What I have come to recognize about many people in therapy who feel severely socially awkward is that they share the belief that when they were growing up they missed out on learning the rules of social discourse. As a consequence, they are intensely anxious about how they will be responded to if they are socially off the mark. For example, Robert, an attorney, worries about phone calls and what to do after you say hello. Paula, an information technology manager, panics about being in a social situation and not knowing how to approach someone. Tanya, a college graduate, unemployed for the past year, keeps asking “what are the rules, how long do you talk with someone at a party and how do you get yourself out of a conversation?” Everyone worries about silence and eye contact.

While many of us might experience similar social concerns, a “socially awkward” person believes that their anxiety and inability to navigate these situations will be blatantly evident, and they expect to be responded to with rejection and disgust. Even when there are no evident responses that confirm their fears, such people continue to experience bad feelings about how they behaved and consequently justify their continued self-attacks and self-hate.

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Parental Expectations

A major source of the feelings of social inadequacy and the consequent self-hate that people often express is related to parental expectations. Both Tanya and Robert had parents with very high expectations. Robert talked about his parents pushing him to work harder at all the extracurricular activities they insisted he engage in: “They thought I was a virtuoso and kept pushing me to do more with the violin. My mother kept telling me what a wonderful writer I was and that I should try and get published. But she also insisted on critiquing any creative writing I tried.”

Tanya described how her parents pushed her to succeed in high school so she could get into an Ivy League school: “They would compare me to their best friends’ son and list all his achievements. On the surface, they seemed to be saying they thought I had what it took to be superior. But I never felt I could really be good enough, no matter how well I did. I upset them when I didn’t apply to Harvard, but I couldn’t bear the thought of disappointing them by not getting in.”

Paula also was negatively affected by her parents’ expectations. They wanted her to “be good.” The worst thing she could do was make anyone outside the family think any negative thoughts about her. This would shame and humiliate her parents and result in physical or verbal abuse. The most Paula could hope for from her parents was to avoid anger and criticism. She recalled: “My mother would scream and berate me if I didn’t smile the right way at a neighbor. I remember, when I was about 9, she dragged me from the Thanksgiving table at my aunt’s house because I didn’t say ‘please’ when I asked for the turkey. I was a very scared kid and never knew when I was going to get hit or criticized. I never knew what the right thing to do was. I still don’t know.”

The Importance of the Audience

Robert and Tanya needed to be high achievers so the parents could feel pleasure and ego satisfaction about their parenting. By pushing achievement on their children, the message, consciously and unconsciously, was that you must do more, be better, and shine or you will hurt and disappoint me. For all three people in therapy, the ultimate authority on how they were doing as children was the social audience their parents looked to and empowered. Most importantly, the incredible power of the “audience out there” cast the final judgment on how the parents were doing.

Without audience approval, the parents felt inadequate and humiliated and put the responsibility for these bad feelings onto their child. The parents held the child responsible for their own feelings of inadequacy, which were then attributed (projected) to the child who was designated as inadequate. The child not only felt the shame of insufficiency, but experienced the badness of having socially hurt, disappointed, and shamed the parents. It is no surprise, then, that for the humiliated, “inadequate” child, the social world would feel like a constant source of scrutiny with the mission of detecting and identifying the guilty party.

Developing Feelings of Social Adequacy

These three individuals have great certainty and strong emotional attachments to their belief that they are socially inadequate people. While they typically begin therapy with some hope that they can do something to improve their experiences, feelings of hopelessness often outweigh the hope. The journey to feeling more socially able begins with people becoming aware of the ways in which their social awkwardness has been shaped and confirmed by their early and continuing life experiences. While this provides a rational understanding of how their feelings of social inadequacy developed, it does not alter the strong emotions that arise when they find themselves in social situations.

I often hear about their intense anxiety in social situations and how they become panicked. With intense agitation, they scan faces of others to detect the expected negative reactions. If I wonder how it would be if I helped them to strategize for a social situation, the response is usually negative: “It won’t work; I’m too anxious; it’s useless.” I believe this is an expression not only of hopelessness but of the self-hate that the person feels. If I can help the person reflect about this and put his self-hate into words, it can help break through the paralysis and allow the person to agree to try and practice some new behaviors before a social situation.

Even when a person may bravely go to the party and try out a strategy, it is unusual for the person to feel that he or she has had success. As Robert told me: “It was horrible. I saw a woman standing alone near the bar and I went over to her and introduced myself and asked her name and how she came to be at the party (like we planned). I couldn’t make eye contact very well, but I tried. She did answer my questions, but then this other girl came over and started talking to the first girl and I panicked. I couldn’t say anything and left.”

The example above illustrates how, even with a strategy, it is difficult to succeed with the plan. What is even more difficult is to change the negative feelings about one’s self that influence our social behaviors. With considerable work, repeated experiences of small successes can lead to incremental but steady changes in behavior and self-perceptions.

I am going to list some steps that represent what happens in the therapy process that can help in altering self-defeating behaviors and feelings of self-hate and social inadequacy. To undertake these steps, with or without the help of a therapist, requires commitment to tolerate frustration and painful unwanted, and intolerable feelings. There must be a willingness to fail and try again repeatedly.

Steps to Changing Feelings of Social Inadequacy

1. Gain knowledge through self-reflection to hypothesize how your “social awkwardness” has been shaped and confirmed by your life experiences.
2. Self-talk to remind yourself of (1) positive qualities, (2) feelings that seem intolerable, and especially (3) your resilience, i.e., ability to withstand those intolerable feelings. (After all, you are still standing and functioning, and have had many encounters with those feelings, and you’re still here.)
3. Develop strategies to help manage behavior in social situations, e.g., what to say when approaching a stranger at a party or subjects to talk about on a date. (Google your questions if you can’t come up with your own strategies.)
4. Try out behaviors and be prepared to fail.
5. Learn to see failed attempts as success. This means overriding old patterns of self-attack and bad feelings and allowing yourself to feel courageous for trying.
6. Try out behaviors again and be prepared to fail again.
7. Keep trying to feel successful for trying.
8. Repeat steps 1 through 7 as long as necessary until you begin to feel more positively about yourself and more able to tolerate your unwanted feelings.
9. Come up with a new thought which reflects positive feelings about yourself.
10. Come up with a new thought about yourself as someone who is feeling a little more socially adequate.
11. Allow yourself to consider that you can change and be aware of your anxiety about change.
12. Keep repeating steps 1 through 11.
13. Never stop working on developing positive feelings about yourself.
14. Never stop working on your ability to tolerate unwanted feelings, change your behavior, and feel positive about yourself.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

We’ve all heard that life’s problems don’t disappear because of a romantic relationships. But according to a new German study, love really might conquer all. Researchers found that positive romantic relationships can help stabilize people who tend toward neurosis. Neuroticism is dismissed by many in the mental health community; many mental health professionals see that it pathologizes personality traits, reducing mental health issues to an overall personality flaw. For the purposes of this article, we are recognizing neuroticism as a collection of traits including anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem, and unhappiness.

The Study

Psychologists have long viewed neuroticism as a relatively stable personality trait. People who score high on measures of neuroticism tend to continue to score high months and even years later. But researchers wanted to see how a romantic relationship affected people who tended to be labeled neurotic. They followed 245 couples ranging in age from 18 to 30 for three months.

Using questionnaires, researchers identified some participants as having neurotic tendencies, then asked participants about their relationship satisfaction. Because people with neurotic tendencies often react negatively to everyday events, researchers also presented participants with various scenarios and asked them to evaluate how these scenarios might affect their relationships.

Researchers found that, as the duration of a romantic relationship increases, the negative reactions that people reported on questionnaires decreased. The researchers speculate that this may be because a romantic relationship increases the frequency of positive emotions, and that this process can help people with neurotic tendencies unlearn negative emotions.

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Will Romance Treat Anxiety?

The prospect that romance can treat anxiety and negativity is a promising one. However, researchers only looked at people in a romantic relationship. They did not evaluate whether the positive effects continued after the relationship ends, and this leaves open another avenue for potential future research.

It’s also important to note that rushing into a relationship is still not a good treatment for anxiety. The study only looked at people in relatively stable, healthy relationships. The results might look much different for people in abusive or unhappy couples, and the effects of such a relationship on an already anxious person could be even more pronounced.

We already know, for example, that a bad relationship can lead to physical illness, so people with neurotic tendencies shouldn’t pursue relationships solely to “cure” their anxiety. Ultimately, this study is part of a mounting body of research that shows that a healthy relationship yields healthy results.

References:

1. Hodgekiss, A. (2013, February 18). How a bad relationship can make you ill—by damaging your immune system. Retrieved from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2280629/Being-anxious-relationship-make-ill–damaging-immune-system.html
2. Love makes you strong: Romantic relationships help neurotic people stabilize their personality. (2014, May 9). Retrieved from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/05/140509074114.htm

First, let me say that I admire your candor, your self-awareness, and your desire to work on this issue. I believe that all of these things will ultimately make you successful in addressing this issue and coming to a place of greater satisfaction in your life.

Jealousy is often a protective strategy fueled by more vulnerable feelings, such as worthlessness or feelings of inadequacy. No therapist can tell you exactly what the particular vulnerability is, but a skilled therapist can help guide you toward identifying and transforming whatever it might be in your case. Establishing a context for the origin of these feelings within the safety of a therapeutic relationship can help you to challenge the feelings and begin healing.

Healing the wounds of the past will likely foster a sense of confidence in your ability to make changes in your present life. For example, you specifically mention feeling jealous of colleagues. Are you satisfied and fulfilled by your work? My hunch is that you are not. If my hunch is correct, it makes sense to start thinking about what you want out of your work. Are you in the field you want to be in? Do you want to move up into a higher-level position? Do you want to explore options at a different company? Answering these questions and others that might arise may point you in a different direction professionally. It sounds like there is also significant dissatisfaction with your personal life. A similar assessment of what it is that you are seeking can be applied here, too.

As for Facebook, you are not alone in the experience you describe. In fact, a recent study indicates that the more young adults use Facebook, the more dissatisfied they become (Kross, Verduyn, Demiralp, Park, Lee, Lin, Shablack, Jonides, and Ybarra, 2013). It seems to me that people very often post the good stuff of life on Facebook. They share promotions, successes, home purchases, marriages, the births of children, and vacations. So, you can walk away feeling like everyone’s life is better than your own. But the truth is, no one’s life is perfect. Everyone has challenges, pain, and frustration—they just might not choose to share those things in a Facebook status.

Looking inward, healing old wounds, determining what you want, and creating a plan to get it can be very difficult work—I certainly don’t wish to imply that it is simple. Because it can be difficult, even painful, work that takes time, I do hope you will consider partnering with a therapist who can support you throughout the process. Collaborating with a therapist can also help you to explore ways to make yourself more comfortable as you seek to make changes in your life. You don’t have to wait until you accomplish your goals and dreams to be happy.

Reference:

Kross E, Verduyn P, Demiralp E, Park J, Lee DS, et al. (2013) Facebook Use Predicts Declines in Subjective Well-Being in Young Adults. PLoS ONE 8(8): e69841. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0069841

All the best,
Sarah

Some people come to therapy full of negativity and anger toward parents whom they hold responsible for the way they feel and the lives they live. For example, they might explain their difficulties in relationships by referring to a parent’s emotional coldness, criticalness, or divorce. Or they will fault a parent’s lack of encouragement and involvement when they were growing up for their failure to do well academically or professionally. Blaming parents for their struggles keeps these people stuck in angry, anxious, and depressed feelings, and interferes with their ability to think about what they could do to make their lives different.

“Gloria” came to her first therapy session with me and immediately began to talk. Sounding irritated, she explained, “I’m here because I can’t take it anymore. I hate my life. I’m either angry or depressed. I’m 29 years old and I haven’t been in a relationship for more than three months. I can’t seem to keep my jobs for much more than a year. For nine months, I’ve been working as an assistant in a recruiting firm where I answer phones and type résumés. I know I’m smarter than that, but I don’t know what else I want to do. I seem to go from one dead-end job to another. I’m such a loser.” Then Gloria sobbed, “I am just so stuck.”

Gloria began therapy. She typically entered my office with heaviness and depression, and talked about how miserable her life was and how hopeless she felt. She believed that nothing could change. When I asked her why, she thought she was stuck in this awful place, her lethargic demeanor changed to anger, and her voice turned strong.

“How could I change?” she said. “It’s all about my childhood. My parents separated when I was 5. My father left the house and I rarely saw him. Sometimes he would take me for a weekend, but I never believed he really wanted to. He met this woman, Fran, and all he ever talked about was her. They got married when I was 7, and then he moved to another state. I would visit them three or four times a year. She had two daughters. I could see how much he loved Fran. He never looked at me like that. He would criticize how I dressed and compare me to my stepsisters. I hated them. I could never get anything right, and they were so pretty and perfect, and I could see they were the children he wanted. When I would go home to my mother and complain, she would hardly listen. She never seemed very interested in me, either. She had a big, important job, and as I grew up, I didn’t see so much of her. She never got very involved in anything I did. She would even get nasty and critical if I told her about something good that happened. I remember when I told her that I had been asked to run for class secretary in middle school. She laughed at me and said, ‘You’ll never get elected, so you shouldn’t run. You’re just not popular enough.’ I believed everything she said about me, so I didn’t run. By middle school she had a serious boyfriend and she was always with him and never had time for me. I never thought I was good enough for much. When I think about it now, I can see my mother was really into herself and I think she was competitive with me. I don’t think she wanted me to succeed or dress well or have boyfriends. I guess she is still getting her way.”

The more I learned about Gloria’s childhood, the more I could understand why it was so difficult for her to have positive feelings about herself and to believe that if she worked at something, she could succeed. She consistently assumed people’s responses toward her would be negative personally and professionally. While her expectations were understandable in light of her childhood experiences, she was able, when pushed, to come up with memories of positive relationships, work experiences, and even good feelings about herself. Nevertheless, these exceptions to what she anticipated did not go very far in allowing her to step back and consider that she was not (in her words) “doomed to fail.”

It became clear to me that Gloria was stuck in blaming her parents for how she saw herself and how her life turned out. What made it so hard for her to move on? Was there some risk in letting go of her anger? Was there a downside to not living up to what she saw as her parents’ view of her? Was there something positive in it for her to blame her parents? These were the questions that occurred to me as I listened to Gloria, who presented herself repeatedly as a victim who would always be at the mercy of the impact of her past treatment by her parents.

I began to raise these questions to Gloria, who became curious about them. She began to consider the risks of letting go of her anger and blame. She talked about worrying that she would be letting her parents “off the hook” if she stopped blaming them or being angry. “They know how I feel and I like to think I make them feel guilty,” she said. “When I was a kid, they never seemed to expect me to amount to much. They’ve gotten what they wanted, but I do think I’ve managed to finally make an impact. I think I’ve succeeded in making them feel guilty. If my life got better, maybe they wouldn’t feel so bad or guilty. I feel bad and I want them to feel bad.”

At first, when Gloria continued to talk about her desire to hurt her parents, she smiled and said, “Now that I understand that this is what I’m doing, I have to say that revenge is sweet.” She would also get angry in our sessions and acknowledge that this new awareness created a real conflict for her. “Rationally, I get that it’s me,” she said. “I can see that I think my parents are responsible for my being a failure. They made me this way, so I’ll be the loser they created. I want to hurt them. I guess I could work on getting the life I’m always moaning that I’ve never had, and I know that would be the best thing for me. But I just don’t want to give them any good stuff.”

As we continue to talk about this conflict, which creates great anguish for Gloria, she has not been able to choose to work on giving up her anger and blame. However, she is considerably less attached to viewing her life through the lens of doom and failure caused by her parents. She has begun to take some steps to get more for herself. She has gotten a promotion to recruiter, and has made a placement that will double her income this year. She has also enrolled in a management class at a local college. We’ve even begun to talk about online dating. As Gloria continues to work in therapy, I believe she will achieve more for herself and gradually be able to see her identity in a new way and identify less and less as a victim. As she allows herself to experience the satisfactions of success, I am hopeful that the pleasure of revenge will be less gratifying.

My work with Gloria is just one illustration of the ways in which blaming your parents can keep you stuck. There is a terrible paradox in these situations: You are angry and blame your parents’ treatment of you growing up for your unhappiness and failures in your adult life. But the wish for revenge and these angry, blaming feelings keep the connection and repeat the relationship between your “bad parents” and you, the unsuccessful, unhappy child. As a result, you are stuck in the position where you cannot become the person you say you wish to be or create the life you say you desire.

I’ll never forget the first time my friend took me to Elysian Fields, a “nudist colony” in Topanga Canyon in the Santa Monica Mountains near Los Angeles. I was twenty-something and petrified; I’m not sure why. I guess I was convinced that everyone would be staring at me and evaluating my body. What a surprise to discover that when we’re naked we all look pretty much alike!

When it comes to human intimacy (or lack thereof), there are different types of nakedness. During one-night stands, getting naked means exposing a lot of skin—usually rapidly.

A client once told me that she figured she could strip and shower in the locker room with no problems, so why not strip and hook up with a partner she found attractive? She did this several times until she began to tire of the shallowness and yearn for a partnership with more depth—as she put it, “someone who I can be emotionally naked with.” Years later she found that person, and discovered that true nakedness was both challenging and rewarding.

Often, people assume that their sessions with me are going to be focused on what/when/where with their genitals. They’re often surprised when I suggest we discuss “the importance of getting naked.” A great deal of honesty and trust can be generated when you are nude with one another, something that rarely develops if the sole purpose of getting naked is to have intercourse.

If you and your sweetheart are new together, or trying to resurrect the newness and the thrill of physical intimacy, here are some thoughts and ideas for getting naked together:

• If you feel your relationship is ready, you might consider undressing one another, or playing strip poker or engaging in lighthearted wrestling. One partner can blindfold the other before undressing him or her; it can be quite thrilling!

• When I suggested to an older, heterosexual couple that they undress each other while dancing, the gentleman’s eyes began to twinkle. “We might suddenly find ourselves doing the polka!” he said. I explained somberly that I meant a different kind of dance, and we all laughed uproariously. Sex doesn’t have to be so serious.

• For couples who are feeling especially awkward, writer Jay Wiseman suggests getting naked in complete darkness: “Each partner then takes turns examining the body of the other with a small flashlight—one of those little penlight things that excites just enough photons to light up an area the size of your thumbnail.” I know two couples who tried this, eliciting a lot of laughter and “fascinating fantasies,” as one young woman put it. It definitely helped decrease the nervousness of being seen naked all at once, like the scene in The Graduate when Dustin Hoffman looks up and Mrs. Robinson is standing in front of him, stark naked!

• Guys often worry, as one put it … “Wood good, or wood bad?” He went on to wonder whether he should or should not have an erection, and when said erection should appear. The answer: It doesn’t matter. What does matter here is learning to associate nudity with something other than genital sex.

• Occasionally, I’ll suggest to a couple who are fine about nakedness for sex that they get naked simply to talk or hold one another. I find it fascinating that often these couples will find this idea distinctly unappealing—perhaps because this kind of nudity feels too intimate?

Being comfortable in your own skin is an important part of being comfortable and intimate with your partner. If the idea of just being naked together is scary, you may want to consult a therapist. If it’s exciting, go ahead and try it!

In a highly anticipated interview with Oprah Winfrey, famed cyclist Lance Armstrong has finally come clean about the allegations of doping that have haunted him for much of his unparalleled career. Armstrong, who in August 2012 was stripped of his record seven Tour de France victories and banned from competitive cycling due to mounting evidence of performance-enhancing drug use, is just one in a long line of athletes—most notably baseball players—who have either confessed to using performance enhancers or whose images have been tarnished by credible allegations of doping.

It’s no secret that many athletes will go to any length for a competitive edge, but performance-enhancing drugs carry numerous health risks, including baldness, impotence, infertility, addiction, psychiatric issues, hypertension, liver problems, and numerous other issues.

In a world where athletes who use performance-enhancing drugs always seem to get caught, often with disastrous consequences for their careers, what would compel an athlete to risk not only his or her health but livelihood as well?

Perfectionism and Pressure to Perform
Competitive sports can be cutthroat. Fans, coaches, and sponsors have high expectations for athletes, and hold in high regard records and never-been-done-before, seemingly superhuman feats. These expectations are frequently unrealistic, but can place considerable pressure on athletes. People in the upper echelons of athletics are often perfectionists to begin with; after all, it’s not easy to make it to the top. These perfectionist tendencies can make performance-enhancing drugs seem not only justified, but necessary.

Particularly when the competition uses performance-enhancing drugs, a dedicated athlete might feel like he or she has no choice. If the competition has an unfair advantage, taking drugs may seem less like cheating and more like leveling the playing field.

Peer Pressure
Particularly as more and more athletes admit to the use of performance-enhancing drugs, it can seem like sport is full of doping. Athletes may experience peer pressure from friends, teammates, and coaches, who may suggest that they can’t keep up with their competitors if they don’t use drugs. Peer pressure can also come in indirect ways. When athletes are criticized by peers, they might feel like their only hope for improvement can come in a vial or pill. Coaches, teammates, and even physicians or trainers may be complicit in doping.

Financial Issues
Not all athletes are wealthy. Particularly among Olympic athletes, financial gain often comes in the form of sponsorships, not from the sport or league. Many athletes spend years paying coaches, trainers, and gyms, and may get deep in debt covering the costs of developing into one of the best at what they do. Athletes are much more likely to get cushy sponsorship deals and contracts when they break records or win competitions. Particularly when an athlete knows or believes that other successful people in his or her field are using performance-enhancing drugs, they might seem like the most attractive or likely way to get out of debt and into financial security.

Secrecy
Although many athletes are regularly drug-tested, dopers try to stay one step ahead of the science. Many athletes have devised novel ways to avoid being caught, and in a high-stakes world, it’s easy to believe you can outsmart the testing mechanisms. Indeed, many athletes have managed to do just that for years, so the risk might seem worth it to an athlete under immense pressure.

References:

1. Oprah: Lance Armstrong confesses. (2013, January 16). ESPN. Retrieved from http://espn.go.com/sports/endurance/story/_/id/8845599/oprah-winfrey-confirms-lance-armstrong-admitted-doping
2. Performance-enhancing drugs: Know the risks. (2012, December 12). Mayo Clinic. Retrieved from http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/performance-enhancing-drugs/HQ01105
3. Shermer, M. (2008, March 31). The doping dilemma. Scientific American. Retrieved from http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-doping-dilemma
4. Shermer, M. (2009, September 07). Why athletes dope. The Huffington Post. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-shermer/why-athletes-dope_b_278861.html