Psychotherapist Salvador Minuchin developed the concept of enmeshment to characterize family systems with weak, poorly defined boundaries. The entire family may work to prop up a single viewpoint or protect one family member from the consequences of their actions. In these family systems, individual autonomy is weak, and family members may over-identify with one another. For example, a child may be unable to see their own interests as distinct from their parent’s and may defend that parent’s interests even when doing so is harmful.

Enmeshment inevitably compromises family members’ individuality and autonomy. It can also enable abuse. Abuse within an enmeshed family system is a unique sort of trauma. Some survivors of such trauma may not recognize their experiences as traumatic and may even defend their abusers. Because boundaries are weak in these family systems, family members who correctly identify their experiences as traumatic may be ostracized or even labeled as abusive.

Characteristics of Enmeshed Families

Most healthy families are loyal to one another and may share certain values. In an enmeshed family, this loyalty and shared belief system comes at the expense of individual autonomy and well-being. For example, the entire family might support the idea of the father as a wonderful parent or great leader, even though he is physically abusive.

Enmeshment does not always lead to abuse, but it is a potent tool for shielding abusers from the consequences of their actions.

Some characteristics of enmeshed family systems include:

• Each family member fills a specific role. In most cases, these roles enable dysfunctional behavior from other family members. For example, the family peacemaker may smooth over conflicts the family abuser creates or might guilt other family members for attempting to build healthy boundaries.
• Enmeshment often begins when one family member has a mental health condition or substance abuse issue. Enmeshment normalizes harmful behavior and can be a way to avoid treatment.
• Enmeshed families often view dissent as betrayal.
• Enmeshed families may demand an unusual level of closeness even from adult children. For instance, an adult child with children of their own may be expected to spend every holiday with the family. If they spend a holiday with in-laws or with their own family, the enmeshed family may shun or otherwise punish them.
• Family members’ emotions are tied up together. It can be difficult to discern where one person’s emotions begin and anther’s end.
• There may be unspoken family norms that family members take for granted. Outsiders may rightly view these norms as unusual or dysfunctional. For example, an enmeshed family may have a norm of never calling the police on a family member who abuses their partner.

Some people also use enmeshment to refer to covert, or emotional incest. This is when a parent or other caregiver treats a child as a partner or equal. The parent may rely on the child for support and unconditional love rather than filling these basic needs for the child.

How Enmeshment Enables Abuse

Enmeshment does not always lead to abuse, but it is a potent tool for shielding abusers from the consequences of their actions. Enmeshed family members may be reflexively defensive of one another and view even deeply harmful behavior as normal and good.

Enmeshment can make it difficult for a person to form close relationships with other people. Without these relationships, it is very difficult for enmeshed family members to recognize that their family’s relational style is not healthy.

Even when enmeshed family members do form outside relationships, their enmeshed family may intrude on these relationships. Alternatively, the enmeshed person may view their family as normal and their partner as the problem. For example, an adult who gets married may still prioritize their childhood family over their spouse or may expect their spouse to defer to family members or accept abusive behavior.

The Trauma of Enmeshed Families

Enmeshment itself can be traumatic, especially when enmeshment normalizes abuse. In other cases, though, enmeshment is the byproduct of trauma. A serious illness, natural disaster, or sudden loss may cause a family to become unusually close in an attempt to protect themselves. When this pattern persists well beyond the initial trauma, enmeshment loses its protective value and can undermine each family member’s personal autonomy.

Enmeshed family systems are often dismissive of trauma. A parent might dismiss their drunken night of abuse as a normal reaction to a child’s bad grades. In adulthood, siblings may defend a parent’s abuse by insisting that the parent was under immense stress or that the abuse was actually the children’s fault. By dismissing trauma as normal or deserved, enmeshed family systems make it difficult for family members to understand their emotions and experiences. In this form of gaslighting, a family might consistently substitute the family’s collective judgment for an individual’s feelings. Over time, the individual family member may struggle to distinguish their own emotions from the emotions the family insists they should have.

Trauma Bonding and Enmeshment

People who experience trauma or intense emotions together may bond in unusual and unhealthy ways. Patrick Carnes developed the concept of trauma bonding to characterize these relationships.

With trauma bonding, the cycle of abuse tightly binds family members, creating intense emotional attachments. In abusive relationships, the abuser may become abusive and frightening, then apologetic and extremely loving. Some abusive parents attempt to compensate for their abuse with gifts, special outings, or intense love. Many survivors of abuse report that, when their parents were not abusive, they were extremely creative, dynamic, and loving.

This intermittent reinforcement of love and affection can be very difficult to escape. The longer it persists, the more difficult it may become for a person to leave. Abuse survivors may truly love their abusers and believe that their abusers love them, too.

Even when survivors correctly identify the abuse and establish boundaries or leave the relationship, trauma bonding and enmeshment can affect future relationships. The cycle of abuse can feel normal in these situations, as an intermittent schedule of love and affection becomes the person’s point of reference for a relationship. This may cause trauma and enmeshment survivors to seek out and remain in abusive or enmeshed relationships. It can also make it easier for their family to pull them back into the abuse and chaos.

People who grow up in dysfunctional family systems may ignore their own emotions. They may question their memories, wonder if their trauma really happened, or believe that they deserve to be abused. Even when a person is able to see their family through a more objective lens, establishing boundaries can prove difficult. Holidays, family vacations, and other times of intense family closeness can trigger old habits and lead to new trauma.

Therapy can help a person draw clear boundaries, take their emotions seriously, and move beyond enmeshment. A therapist is also an outside voice who can help a person understand that the behaviors their family normalized are not healthy and that they do not have to remain trapped in their usual family role forever.

To begin your search for a compassionate therapist, click here.

References:

1. Carnes, P. J. (1997). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitative relationships. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.
2. Green, R., & Werner, P. D. (1996). Intrusiveness and closeness-caregiving: Rethinking the concept of family enmeshment. Family Process, 35(2), 115-136. Retrieved from https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1545-5300.1996.00115.x
3. Trauma bonding. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

When you make a mistake, how do you react? Are you overly critical? Do you always blame yourself, even for the smallest mistakes? That’s your inner critic talking.

The inner critic is the part of us that wants to point out all of our faults. It expects perfection and won’t accept anything less. It also assumes it knows how others think and feel about us. Listening to this inner critic can often make us feel really bad about ourselves.

Why Do We Believe Our Inner Critic?

The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of therapy is based on the idea that we all have many different parts inside of us. The expression of these parts differs from person to person. In other words, we all have an inner critic, but for some of us that critical part is much louder and meaner. Our inner critic can make us feel anxious or depressed by telling us we aren’t living up to others’ expectations.

Many people feel like their inner critic reminds them of the things they didn’t do. As a result, they might believe they’d never get anything done without this critical voice. [fat_widget_right]

But in reality, bullying doesn’t make us more productive. Quite the opposite, in fact: research shows bullying in the workplace lowers productivity and increases depressive symptoms. Research has also shown that self-criticism tends to accompany social phobias and depression. Self-criticism has also been shown to increase the severity of combat-related posttraumatic stress (PTSD), eating disorders, and body image issues.

What Does Your Inner Critic Want You to Know?

So if our inner critic leaves us feeling bad about ourselves and increases the risk of some mental health concerns, can we learn anything from listening to that part of us?

Is it possible that it wants to protect us from harm? Does that critical part of us come from a place of good intent?

Many people feel like their inner critic reminds them of the things they didn’t do. As a result, they might believe they’d never get anything done without this critical voice.

When we approach the inner critic from the IFS (parts) model, we can begin to understand that this critical part is actually working hard to protect us. It says all those mean things with the best intentions. It truly believes it is helping us.

But if we were trying to help someone else, like a friend or family member, we wouldn’t be that hard on them, would we? We probably wouldn’t ever be that hard on anyone other than ourselves.

So how do we get the inner critic to quiet down? To be less critical?

How Can We Do Things Differently?

1. Tune in.

The first step we can take is to really tune into the inner critic. Try to draw a mental image (you can actually draw it, if that helps!) that part of you. How old does it feel? What does it look like? Does it sound familiar? Perhaps it sounds like a person from your past, a parent, or an ex-partner. Maybe it sounds like someone currently in your life.

2. Get curious.

As you begin to have a clearer picture of that critical part, the next step is to start noticing how often it shows up. Does it chime in when you make mistakes or when it worries about being judged? Does it tell you to avoid new places and situations? How often is it present? Does it show up once in a while, or does it offer a constant stream of negativity?

3. Ask some questions.

You might notice that the critical part hangs around a lot, especially if you’re feeling anxious or depressed. The next time you hear your inner critic, try asking some questions to find out more about it:

• “What is it you’d like me to know?”
• “What are you afraid might happen if I don’t follow your directions?”
• “When you say critical things to me, what is your intention?”

4. Use compassion and curiosity.

As you take time to listen, see if you can be compassionate and curious. Would you like to ask that part some other questions? Try to be kind and curious at the same time. Each time your critical part answers a question, you can let it know that you heard it.

You’ll probably learn that your critical part is reacting from deep-seated fears. It’s trying to protect you from future harm. It wants to keep you safe. When you learn that your part wants to protect you, you may feel less likely to tell it to shut up and leave you alone. You might even begin to feel some compassion for the critical part because it’s always responding from fear.

5. Listen and respond.

As you become more familiar with when and how your critical parts show up, you can start responding differently. You can say something like, “I hear you. I know you’re worried I’ll make a mistake or get hurt by others, but I don’t want to live my life in constant fear. Thank you for worrying about me. Right now I’m going to ask you to step aside while I decide what I’m going to do.” You’re telling that part that you hear it. You are compassionately asking your critical part to let you, not it, decide what’s next.

Talking to your inner critic takes a lot of practice. I’m willing to bet it’s had your ear for a long, long time. But in time, you’ll find it’s easier to notice when it shows up and easier to get it to calm down as you try new things—and hopefully even have fun doing them!  [amazon_affiliate]

If you are struggling to reach your inner critic, consider reaching out to a compassionate therapist or counselor who can help you explore this critical part of you.

References:

1. McTernan, W. P., Dollard, M. F., & LaMontagne, A. D. (2013, November 7). Depression in the workplace: An economic cost analysis of depression-related productivity loss attributable to job strain and bullying. Work & Stress: An International Journal of Work, Health, & Organization, 27(4), 321-338. doi: 1080/02678373.2013.846948
2. Neff, K. D., Germer, C. (2017). Self-compassion and psychological well-being. In J. Doty (Ed.) Oxford handbook of compassion science (371-386). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
3. Schwartz, R. C. (2001). Introduction to internal family systems model. Oak Park, IL: Trailhead Publications.

Why do people develop addictions and compulsions? In general, their psychological purpose is to push out of conscious awareness anything disturbing. The unconscious mind knows how deeply upsetting some body-mind memories might be, as they could trigger anger, panic, grief, guilt, anxiety, shame, depression, or feelings of worthlessness. Thus, it will do anything it can to distract from them.

That may mean engaging in unhelpful or even self-destructive behaviors. After all, addictions and extreme habits, which can form out of obsessive compulsions (OCD), can be very engaging to the body-mind. This deep engagement with something else, anything else, is a wonderful distraction from unpleasant emotions.

Add to your natural propensity for avoiding pain those media messages suggesting various forms of distraction—porn, alcohol, vaping, shopping, extreme sports, etc.—may enhance your life and make you happy, and you have a recipe for a society inundated with addictions and compulsions. (See Anne Wilson Schaef’s book When Society Becomes an Addict for a deeper explanation of this concept.)

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For all the talk of its potential pitfalls, obsessive and compulsive thinking has worked for humanity’s benefit for millennia. The person who unrelentingly rubbed two sticks together to create fire, Marie Curie in her lab, and Albert Einstein incessantly mulling over ideas are just some of the countless examples of people becoming consumed with something essential and meaningful.

With any form of compulsive or addictive behavior, the important question is: Is it interfering with any aspect of your life? If it is having a deleterious effect in any area, such as relationships, finances, work, or health, you might want to do something about it.

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Fortunately, there are many ways to shift away from unwanted habits. William Glasser, MD, a renowned psychiatrist, wrote a book in 1985 called Positive Addiction. He argued the natural unconscious tendency to avoid psychological pain can be rerouted into positive addictions. In other words, the brain’s proclivity for repetition can be used creatively and productively. Those obsessive, compulsive energies can be channeled into useful and enjoyable distractions such as learning a new language, spending more time with friends and family, reading, exercising, or hobbies.

So is the answer simply reorienting one’s compulsive energies into positive activities? Well, yes and no.

So is the answer simply reorienting one’s compulsive energies into positive activities? Well, yes and no. As a holistic psychotherapist who uses Internal Family Systems (IFS) as one of the arrows in my therapeutic quiver, I would certainly suggest some energy redirection. Ultimately, though, the task is working with the parts of you that valiantly protect your wounded inner child to enable you to unburden some of that pain, as well as coming to appreciate all your other parts (called “protectors” in IFS) that may snort cocaine, drink excessively, gamble, have an eating disorder, or engage in risky sexual behaviors. As counterintuitive as it may seem, all of these things—destructive as they may be—are trying to help you. They will do anything to protect you from being flooded with negative or scary feelings. Anything.

As someone who has been working with people with addictions for over 40 years, I appreciate the way IFS allows a person to gently, yet deeply, explore inner terrain while learning how to compassionately create a new way of relating to all of their parts. Through the IFS process, a person can come to recognize how hard their parts work to give them peace, even if those parts still think the person is a child or teenager. Talking with those parts, getting to know them and their motivations, and developing a new loving relationship with them can be incredibly healing.

Many people with addictions are in 12-step programs, which are wonderful for creating a community of people who share a desire to eclipse the past and evolve. IFS is compatible with those as well.

When you can meet your cravings for temporary oblivion with greater patience and understanding, you may begin to explore your true self. In IFS, that means allowing you to access your inner self-leadership with all its creativity, curiosity, connectedness, confidence, calmness, creativity, clarity, courage, and compassion.

References:

1. Glasser, W. (1985). Positive Addiction. New York, NY: Harper Perennial.
2. Schaef, A. W. (1988). When Society Becomes an Addict. New York, NY: HarperOne.

I am half way through the year-long Level 1 of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) training. IFS is a psychotherapeutic modality used for helping people and their therapists understand and solve the problems that bring them to therapy. And IFS helps make sense of the seemingly irrational world of eating disorders. I’d had some exposure to and experience using IFS prior to enrolling in the training, but the training is giving me a broader and deeper understanding not only of IFS, but also of how we humans work. I’m finding the process exhilarating!

IFS has little to do with families in the conventional sense. It’s based on family systems theory, which is based on general systems theory. Systems theory is a way of conceptualizing and understanding how living things work via understanding the interdependence of living things, e.g., an ecosystem. Any given group of people unconsciously operates according to the rules that govern all systems. Family systems theory, the basis of my field of study and licensure, provides a means of understanding how and why people develop certain problems. The problem is regarded as a symptom of imbalance within the family system, and an attempt by the system to correct that imbalance, given the circumstances. IFS, in turn, focuses on our internal systems, which operate internally as a family operates externally and as do all larger systems.

The basic concept of IFS is that we all have many different parts of ourselves. These different parts have different perspectives and thus often have different beliefs and goals. Poet Walt Whitman was referring to this innate multiplicity when he said, “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.”

How often have you found yourself saying, “Part of me knows I should do ‘X’, but another part of me wants to do ‘Y’,” or, “Intellectually, I understand ’Y,’ but emotionally, I feel ‘Z’.” This is our instinctive awareness that we don’t operate as a unified whole. Yes, we contradict ourselves, and this is normal!

There are several different models of therapy that involve working with different parts of self. IFS focuses on the naturally protective function of parts of ourselves, and what those parts are trying to protect us from. There is no such thing as a bad part. When I first learned about IFS, this idea resonated with me because many years ago, long before I knew that I would one day be a therapist, I was seeing a therapist who said, “I believe that people are self-protective, not self-destructive.” I learned from her that even when we do things that are bad for us, our original intent is to protect ourselves from emotional discomfort or pain. And when it comes to disordered eating, protecting one’s self from emotional pain becomes the number- one priority. Undereating, overeating, purging, exercising compulsively—these behaviors are intended to increase pleasant feeling states or decrease unpleasant ones. The longer one relies on these behaviors, the more complicated things become, because more parts get involved.

But where does this pain come from? When someone with anorexia feels anxious if she eats a normal amount of food, how did she come to acquire this anxiety? She would say that she is worried that the food is turning into fat, or that she’ll never stop eating. But why would she worry about such things, so much so that she denies herself the necessary food for her well being? Undereating is a behavior of a part that wants to protect her from the anxiety, no matter the cost to her health. What this part doesn’t know is that the anxiety comes from another part, and that the part that holds the anxiety is probably a younger part, a part that has memories of and emotions from experiences of long ago. For example, this part may hold memories and pain from things like hurt and shame due to being rejected by other kids, or of fear of not being loved by a parent because the parent put so much emphasis on her getting straight A’s that she came to believe that this was what made her loveable, to experiences involving verbal, physical or sexual abuse. These parts are referred to in IFS as “exiles,” and it’s the job of protective parts to keep these younger parts, well, exiled.

This is why simply trying to change eating behaviors won’t work in the long run. As long as the internal system is arranged in such a way that some parts are keeping other parts exiled in order to protect the person from pain, any behavior changes will be superficial and temporary. Some protective parts are really good at making rules and like to be good students and will follow an eating plan and work hard in therapy, but eventually, exiled parts will get triggered and the parts that engage in eating disordered behaviors will come to the rescue.

So, how to get out of this predicament? IFS also focuses on our true, core Self, which is not a part, but rather an essence. And distilled to its simplest form, IFS says that healing comes when we connect to parts of ourselves from Self. Self is, by nature, compassionate and curious and non-judgmental. When protective parts are seen and heard by Self, they can lead us to the exiled parts. When exiled parts are seen and heard by Self, they can get unstuck from the past and healed. And a trained therapist can guide the process of connecting someone with eating problems to his or her disordered eater parts from his or her Self, engendering not just behavior change, but true healing. Ultimately, all parts will reside with one another and Self in harmony. Yes, we are multitudes!

Lots of people hope for compromise in their relationship. Compromise is great when it happens; there is an easy flow, and both partners feel happy with the results. Nobody feels like they are losing, like they are being taken advantage of, or that their needs don’t matter. It doesn’t even feel like compromising—it’s just being happy together.

But what gets in the way of this delightful experience? Does it just happen naturally? Do you need to have logical conversations about it? Does it come from being forceful about getting your point across? Do you have to give up your needs?

Compromise Versus Conflict

Do you believe compromise should happen naturally? Do you think it means a relationship can’t work if it isn’t easy? Do you think about leaving relationships when they get difficult?

Let’s take a moment to look at this experience. Perhaps you feel really bad when conflict starts. You want to get away ASAP. You don’t like the feeling of someone being unhappy with you, criticizing you, wanting you to change. You have no experience of conflict being productive. Maybe conflict means someone is going to go crazy on you, demand something from you, or manipulate your feelings.

If that’s the case, it makes a lot of sense that you’d want to avoid conflict. When compromise doesn’t flow, you might conclude that this isn’t the relationship for you, or you become a stonewall and stop talking.

If there’s enough love present for you in the relationship you might want to think about your avoidance of conflict. Maybe it doesn’t have to be as bad as it has been in the past. If you acknowledge how it was and how you have come to protect yourself from these bad experiences—by heading out of town—you’re half way to a more mature, balanced approach to conflict.

Logic Versus Compromise

Does your mate get upset when you bring logic and rationality to the conversation? Do you say to yourself, “I’m just trying to solve the problem—why is he/she getting so upset?” Look at yourself honestly. Does your logical tone have an argumentative, forcing element to it?
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Maybe the conversation gave you an uncomfortable feeling—maybe your gut got tight and you got a brief, but powerful sinking feeling. In Internal Family Systems (IFS) that is called an Exile. It could be that you used logic as a way to try to make that feeling go away (in IFS that’s called a protector). Honesty might work better than logic. Consider saying, “When you said I wasn’t helping enough around the house, I felt bad, and part of me wants to fight you using logical sounding arguments.” Pure logic rarely leads to vital, mutually satisfying compromise.

Forcing Your Point Versus Compromise

We’ve all been there: the conversation is going smoothly, and all of a sudden we find ourselves trying to ram our points home. What happened just before you changed your tone? If you can be honest, you’ll probably find an Exile. Maybe an old feeling of no one listening or caring about your feelings came up. Or you felt an echo of an old feeling of not fitting in with the group, not measuring up.

If you notice a moment when you’ve started to force your point, you might be able to choose what you want to do, rather than charging forward with an attitude which you know will not help you get to compromise. Can you imagine yourself saying, “I don’t want to admit it, but a part of me feels just like I did when the other kids wouldn’t choose me for the team. And another part wants to force you to agree with me so I don’t have to feel that anymore.”

My Needs Versus Compromise

Do you find yourself defaulting to a subservient, submissive, surrendering position, and then getting resentful, depressed, or maybe angry? Do you think someone else’s reality is more valid than yours? Do you have Exiles (walled off parts of  yourself) who had this experience when you were young? Maybe powerful people made you agree with them, and the cost of fighting was too great.

You can acknowledge those young Exiles, find them in the rooms, porches, and yards where they live, re-playing their bad experiences. You can let them know you see them and understand them, and that they aren’t alone anymore. IFS teaches that direct contact between you and your parts opens up surprising, fresh possibilities. They may come to trust you, rely on you for help, and even stop flooding you with their bad feelings. If you can do that, you won’t have to rely on surrendering. You might find it safe and productive to speak up for what you believe, then watch to see how your partner responds.

Compromise Happens

Compromise happens naturally when you recognize the protectors that have come out to help you, and the Exiles behind them. It will be a fluid, fun, mutually supportive, brainstorming experience, and you’ll find solutions you never could have imagined beforehand.

Relationships with our co-workers and bosses can really affect our lives! When they go well our lives are enriched. When they are difficult, we and our families can suffer.

At work, the principles of Internal Family Systems Therapy can help you:

• Maintain your Self qualities when you are under the gun: Calm, Clarity, Connection, Compassion, Courage, Creativity, and Confidence
• If something gets in the way of these qualities, it’s probably a Protector Part and/or an Exile. Pay attention to them, and they may let you get back to your Self qualities and Self leadership.

Read on to find out how Internal Family Systems can help you at work. (more…)