What if healing didn’t start with trying harder, thinking differently, or isolating yourself, but with being seen, understood, and supported in relationship? Interpersonal neurobiology offers a compassionate, science-based map of how emotional healing happens through connection rather than through willpower alone.
Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB), developed by Dr. Daniel Siegel (Siegel, 2012), teaches that the mind is an embodied, relational process shaped over time by our interactions with others. Neuroscientist Louis Cozolino (Cozolino, 2014) describes the brain as a “social organ of adaptation,†highlighting that our nervous system is designed to regulate and grow within attuned relationships.
In simple terms, we heal when we feel safe with someone. Interpersonal neurobiology helps explain why that sense of safety is not just comforting, it is literally changing the brain and body.
When we experience emotional attunement, empathy, and presence, the nervous system shifts out of survival mode into states that foster resilience, curiosity, and connection. In a culture that often promotes emotional independence, interpersonal neurobiology gently reminds us that connection is the medicine our brains are wired for.
What Is Interpersonal Neurobiology?
Interpersonal neurobiology combines research from neuroscience, attachment theory, psychology, and systems theory to explore how:
- The brain develops through experience,
- The mind processes emotions and meaning,
- And relationships shape our emotional patterns.
At its core, interpersonal neurobiology is based on three key principles from Siegel’s work (Siegel, 2012):
1. The mind is embodied and relational.
Internal experience results from the interaction between the nervous system and relationships.
2. Experience shapes neural wiring.
Our brains develop through emotional and social interactions, especially early in life.
3. Relationships are powerful agents of healing.
Safe relational experiences, including therapy, can reorganize the brain toward greater integration.
These ideas explain why therapy often works on a deeper level than insight alone: it engages the relational circuitry that shapes who we become. Interpersonal neurobiology helps us see therapy as a living, moment-by-moment process of connection, not just a conversation about problems.
Key idea: In interpersonal neurobiology, healing is less about “fixing yourself†and more about experiencing new, safe relationships that reshape the brain.
How Relationships Shape the Brain: Explicit and Implicit Memory
A core concept in interpersonal neurobiology is that the brain encodes experiences not only through conscious memory but also through deeply stored emotional and bodily impressions. Siegel (2012) and Cozolino (2014) describe two types of memory:
Explicit Memory
- Conscious recall of people, events, and facts
- Easily verbalized
Implicit Memory
- Emotional impressions, bodily sensations, response patterns
- Formed before language
- Often felt rather than remembered
Someone who grew up with inconsistent caregiving might not explicitly remember feeling unsafe, but their body may automatically prepare for rejection or conflict. These implicit patterns influence attachment, emotional triggers, and expectations in relationships.
Trauma amplifies this effect, storing experiences as fragmented emotions or bodily sensations rather than coherent narrative memory (Cozolino, 2014). This explains why trauma often manifests as sudden overwhelm, shutdown, anxiety, or relational avoidance, the body remembers what the mind cannot yet articulate.
If your body seems to react “out of nowhere,†interpersonal neurobiology would say those reactions often make sense in light of past relationships, even if you don’t yet have words for them.
Neuroplasticity: The Brain Can Change Through Connection
Did you know?
The nervous system often reacts before we have words for what we feel.
One of the most encouraging discoveries in interpersonal neurobiology is that the brain remains adaptable throughout life. Neuroplasticity allows the brain to reorganize based on new relational experiences (Siegel, 2012).
Supportive relationships, including therapy, can:
- Strengthen pathways related to emotional regulation
- Ease survival-based responses
- Develop new templates for safety and trust
Epigenetic research indicates that emotionally attuned environments can even alter gene expression related to stress and resilience (Cozolino, 2014). Healing, therefore, becomes not just psychological but biological, slowly woven into the nervous system through repeated experiences of safety.
How connection reshapes the brain (a simple IPNB view)
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New experience: You feel met with care instead of criticism.
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New wiring: Your nervous system gradually learns that closeness can be safe.
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New pattern: Over time, your default response becomes curiosity and trust rather than shutdown or attack.
Interpersonal neurobiology reminds us that patterns wired in pain can be rewired in connection. Therapy can become one of the places where this rewiring is most intentional and supported.
Why the Right Brain Leads Emotional Healing
Allan Schore’s comprehensive research shows that the right hemisphere of the brain plays a central role in emotional regulation, attachment, and nonverbal communication (Schore, 2019).
The right brain processes:
- Facial expressions
- Tone of voice
- Eye contact
- Presence
- Empathy
- Intuitive relational cues
This part of the brain is most involved in trauma recovery. Schore (2019) describes therapy as a right-brain-to-right-brain process: the therapist’s attuned presence helps the client’s nervous system feel safe enough to regulate. Often, healing begins before words are spoken, the body perceives safety first.
When your therapist slows their pace, softens their tone, and stays with you through difficult feelings, they are engaging your right brain. From an interpersonal neurobiology perspective, this is not “just talkingâ€, it is active co-regulation and nervous system repair.
The Triangle of Well-Being in Interpersonal Neurobiology
Siegel’s (2012) “Triangle of Well-Being†describes mental health through the interaction of:
1. The Mind
Thoughts, feelings, sensations, beliefs.
2. The Brain
Neural activity and bodily regulation.
3. Relationships
Our emotional and social connections.
Each aspect influences the others:
- Safe relationships support a regulated brain.
- A regulated brain fosters an integrated mind.
- An integrated mind encourages healthier relationships.
This cycle underpins emotional resilience. Interpersonal neurobiology offers a way to visualize how even small shifts, like noticing your breath, receiving a caring look, or sharing honestly with a therapist, ripple across the whole triangle.
Integrating Implicit Memory in Therapy
Since trauma is stored implicitly in the body and emotional memory, healing requires integration, not suppression. Interpersonal neurobiology emphasizes that we do not simply “get over†trauma by thinking differently, we heal by bringing fragmented experiences into a more connected, embodied story.
Therapeutic approaches based on interpersonal neurobiology help integrate these experiences through:
Mindfulness and somatic awareness:
- Gently noticing sensations and emotions without judgment.
Narrative linking:
- Connecting past and present to create coherence (Siegel, 2012).
Relational Safety:
- Providing a secure therapeutic environment where emotions can be explored without fear (Badenoch, 2008).
As clients begin to integrate implicit memories, they often notice:
- Fewer emotional triggers
- Better boundaries
- Greater clarity and confidence
- A stronger sense of self
- Healthier relationships
This is the essence of healing in interpersonal neurobiology: fragmented parts of experience finally coming together in a way that feels coherent, compassionate, and grounded.
Considering therapy rooted in connection?
Many therapists draw on interpersonal neurobiology, attachment theory, and somatic approaches. You can use GoodTherapy’s Find a Therapist directory to search by location, specialty, and type of therapy.
Rupture and Repair: How Resilience Is Built
No relationship, including therapy, is perfectly attuned. Interpersonal neurobiology emphasizes that resilience is built not by avoiding ruptures but by the ability to repair them.
Tronick’s “still-face†research and Schore’s attachment studies show that ruptures followed by repair strengthen trust, emotional flexibility, and attachment security (Schore, 2019; Tronick, 2007).
Rupture
A moment of misattunement or disconnection:
- Misunderstanding in session
- A missed cue or unmet need
Repair
Turning toward each other to reconnect:
- Talking about what happened
- Feeling heard, validated, and reconnected
When repairs happen, therapy demonstrates that:
- Conflict can be managed
- Emotional needs can be expressed
- Relationships can deepen through honesty
- Vulnerability can be safe
Over time, this process creates a new internal template for relational safety, one of the core promises of interpersonal neurobiology–informed therapy.
Protective part
Keeps you on guard, scans for danger.
Vulnerable part
Holds pain, fear, and unmet needs.
Compassionate self
Begins to listen, soothe, and integrate.
The Therapist as a Co-Regulator
In interpersonal neurobiology–informed therapy, the therapist does more than interpret or analyze; they co-regulate with the client. Through tone, pacing, body language, and emotional presence, the therapist offers a steady, regulated nervous system for the client to anchor to (Bowlby, 1988; Schore, 2019).
Over time, clients internalize this steadiness and develop their own capacity for emotional regulation. Healing becomes embodied, not just cognitive.
From an interpersonal neurobiology perspective, therapy is a living example of how human nervous systems are designed to heal together. You don’t have to regulate alone, your therapist’s nervous system “lends†stability while yours learns new patterns.
Integration and Mental Health
According to Siegel (2012), integration, linking differentiated parts of the self, is the foundation of mental well-being. When integration occurs, individuals experience:
- Emotional stability
- Flexibility in thinking
- Clarity
- Coherence
- A more profound sense of self
Therapy supports integration by reconnecting thoughts, feelings, body sensations, and relational experiences. As these systems link, life often feels less overwhelming and more grounded. Interpersonal neurobiology offers both a language and a roadmap for this process.
Integration links:
- Thoughts with feelings
- Body sensations with meaning
- Past experiences with present responses
- Self-understanding with safe relationships
When these parts connect,
life feels more coherent.
Frequently Asked Questions
Quick answers to common questions about interpersonal neurobiology and healing through connection.
Q: What is interpersonal neurobiology in simple terms?
A: Interpersonal neurobiology is a way of understanding how the brain, mind, and relationships interact. It says our brains are shaped by experience, especially emotional experiences with other people, and that new, safe relationships can help “rewire†patterns formed in times of stress or trauma.
Q: How does interpersonal neurobiology relate to trauma?
A: Interpersonal neurobiology explains that trauma is often stored in the body and implicit memory rather than in words. Because of this, healing usually involves more than talking, it includes nervous system regulation, safe connection, and slowly integrating fragmented experiences into a more coherent story.
Q: Does my therapist need to label their work as interpersonal neurobiology for it to help?
A: Not necessarily. Many therapists use ideas from interpersonal neurobiology, such as co-regulation, attachment, and somatic awareness, without always naming them. What matters most is that you feel safe, seen, and supported, and that your therapist is attentive to how your body, emotions, and relationships are all connected.
Q: How can I find a therapist who works with interpersonal neurobiology principles?
A: You can look for therapists who mention relational, attachment-based, trauma-informed, or somatic approaches in their profiles. GoodTherapy’s Find a Therapist directory allows you to search by specialty and type of therapy, and the Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB) section explains this approach in more detail.
Final Reflection: Healing Happens in Relationship
Interpersonal neurobiology offers a simple but transformative truth:
You were never meant to heal alone.
Your brain is wired for connection (Cozolino, 2014). Your nervous system changes through attuned presence (Schore, 2019). Your inner wounds, formed in relationship, can be healed in relationship (Siegel, 2012).
Whether through therapy or through safe, nurturing connections in your life, your brain and body can reorganize and build resilience. In the language of interpersonal neurobiology, healing becomes not a solitary effort, but a shared journey.
About the Author
Azin Heydari, MA, Registered Psychotherapist
Azin is a trauma-informed, attachment-based psychotherapist working with adults navigating complex and developmental trauma, attachment wounds, relationship struggles, anxiety, and emotional overwhelm.
Her work is grounded in interpersonal neurobiology, somatic awareness, and nervous system regulation, supporting clients in rebuilding trust in themselves and in connection with others.
View Azin’s GoodTherapy profile
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References
- Badenoch, B. (2008). Being a brain-wise therapist: A practical guide to interpersonal neurobiology. W. W. Norton & Company. View book
- Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books. View book
- Cozolino, L. (2014). The neuroscience of human relationships: Attachment and the developing social brain (2nd ed.). W. W. Norton & Company. View book
- Schore, A. N. (2019). Right brain psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company. View book
- Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. View book
- Tronick, E. (2007). The neurobehavioral and social-emotional development of infants and children. W. W. Norton & Company.
Editor’s note: Dr. Siegel will be presenting a continuing education web conference for GoodTherapy, titled “Meditation Practice for a Healthier Brain,†at 9 a.m. Pacific on May 10, 2019. This event is available at no additional cost to Premium and Pro GoodTherapy members ($29.95 for non-members) and is eligible for two CE credits. Register or see more details.
Daniel J. Siegel, MD is a psychiatrist, neuroscientist, educator, and critically acclaimed author. Most recently, he is the co-author (with Tina Payne Bryson, PhD) of The Yes Brain: How to Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience in Your Child.
After attending the University of Southern California for his undergraduate studies, Dr. Siegel received his medical degree from Harvard Medical School in 1983 and completed postgraduate medical studies at UCLA, where he still works as a clinical professor of psychiatry and the founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center. One of the focal points of his research and teachings is interpersonal neurobiology (IPNB), a field that focuses on finding similarities between otherwise separate disciplines.
Dr. Siegel is also the executive director of the Mindsight Institute, an organization that offers workshops and online courses teaching the concept of mindsight, the ability to recognize and comprehend internal processes of the brain. On top of his professional achievements, he is a proud and happy father and husband.
As an author and editor of many books on parenting, child development, neuroscience, and personal transformation, Dr. Siegel expertly distills scientific research into clear and accessible learning resources. Dr. Siegel was generous enough to spare time from his busy schedule to speak with us about The Yes Brain, his work, and his life. [fat_widget_right]
What does it mean to have a “Yes Brain†or a “No Brain�
A Yes Brain is the state of being receptive and open. Yes Brain and No Brain come from a workshop where I would say “no†harshly several times, pause, and then say “yes†calmly several times. A No Brain is a state of threat, and people in the workshops would feel that they want to fight me or run away. In contrast, after the pause when I say “yesâ€, they experienced something totally different—A feeling of openness, calmness, and clarity. This is a state of receptivity. And this Yes Brain state is where we have our ideal way of interacting with other people. For example, parenting. People sometimes think Tina Bryson and I mean Yes Brain means say “yes” to everything. That’s not what we mean, and we try to make that very clear in the beginning of the book.  [amazon_affiliate]
Can you explain the four fundamentals of the Yes Brain and how they positively impact a child’s development?
Absolutely. What Tina Payne Bryson, my co-author, and I want to do in the books is provide science-based facts that can be practical, accessible, and memorable. In this case, we’ve used a “cheesy†acronym, the cheese brie, B-R-I-E, that are the four fundamentals of the Yes Brain. ‘B’ stands for balance, ‘R’ stands for resilience, ‘I’ stands for insight, and ‘E’ stands for empathy. If you look at how these positively impact a child’s development, you can see where balance, the ability to access a wide range of emotional states, can be called the “green zone.†When you get out of balance, you go either to a chaotic state we call the “red zone†or a rigid state we call the “blue zone.â€
We’re using balance here as the accessible meaning of the scientific term integration. When you’re integrated, you’re moving in a harmonious flow, and when you’re not, you are moving towards chaos or rigidity. ‘R’ is resilience, and this means you’re widening that green zone. You’re giving them the skill of saying, “I’m not in balance. How do I get back?†Insight is the capacity to be aware of what’s happening in the inner world, and empathy is the ability to know the inner life of someone else. These are what we call ‘mindsight’ skills that allow you to develop the essentials of social and emotional intelligence.
You mention that a key part of childhood is experiencing various types and intensities of emotion. What can parents do to support children without interfering with their opportunity to learn from said emotions?
These days, with children elementary school age and beyond, the time spent using screens is making the focus of a child’s attention primarily on the outside world. This compelling stimulus keeps kids from having the time they need to reflect inwardly, either on their own state or the state of other people. The downside is when you get an emotion, you may not have had the opportunity to learn how to just be with that emotion. And so, the emotion floods you like surf on a pounding shore. What we want to do is teach kids to surf the wave, not avoid the water or be trounced by the waves. When you teach a kid to surf their emotions, these emotions are given permission to enter awareness, and then you can use them for your benefit. And this is the whole idea of how you support children without interfering with their opportunity to learn—you want to give them the opportunity to reflect on the nature of their minds.
Why is free play becoming less common with children today, and why is it so important?
I think people have not emphasized enough in our scientific studies that play is to the mind like oxygen is to the body. We think of play from an intellectual point of view, we say, “It’s not serious. What a waste of time.” Well, thinking in brain terms, the way the brain tries different combinations, explores them with curiosity, and enters a state of spontaneity without judgment, [is] what play is all about. I think what’s happening is if you get into a frame of mind that’s utilizing certain brain circuits, you believe your own story that play is not important because it may be diminished in your life, or you’re just using a certain way of thinking about things.
What are mindsight skills, and how can they help children navigate difficult situations?
The word “mindsight†is a term I made up for seeing the mind. What that means at a minimum is an acknowledgment that we all have something called subjective experience. Subjective experience is what’s in consciousness [and] includes the thoughts, memories, and emotions you might have. What we do by naming mindsight is take one facet of mind, subjective experience, and say you can perceive that or not.
So, if a child makes a request for ice cream before dinner, and you say, “That’s so dumb! Go to your room,” you’re responding to their behavior, not to a very understandable feeling: “I love ice cream, I’m about to eat dinner, we’re about to eat, I’d like to eat ice cream first.†In contrast to the No Brain approach, a Yes Brain approach would say, “I sense your mind beneath your behavior. I sense your excitement about ice cream. And I share that. That would be awesome to eat ice cream before dinner. We’re not going to, because the sugar and the fat in ice cream satisfies our dopamine-based reward circuit, and we won’t have any drive to eat more food. We need our nutrition first, and we can do ice cream for dessert.†What you’re doing there is teaching your child that they are a good person, but their behavior is not necessarily something you’re going to agree to.
There’s a dance between summarizing many individuals into categories and patterns and applying that to the individual, but also always honoring the individual experience that may not conform to the statistical summaries. I think being a therapist has reinforced what I always felt was true since I was a young kid, which was that no matter what science [says], you have to honor individual things.
How do Yes and No Brains develop as children mature into adults?
There’s a simple neuroscience principle I like to summarize this way: Where attention goes, neural firing flows, and neural connection grows. If you’ve been focusing a lot of attention on No! No! No!, this is where neural firing flows, a No Brain reactive state. In contrast, if you do these four elements of the Yes Brain, you’re driving attention in these positive Yes Brain ways which will strengthen what we call an internal compass. And that’s what you want to do as you launch your child out into the world, is have provided parenting experiences which build a skill of sensing the mind.
How important is it for parents to work on their own Yes Brains?
That’s exactly the point! We have sections of the book for parents to work on their own Yes Brain because, if you’re busy being harsh to yourself, you’re more likely to be harsh to your child. And that No approach isn’t particularly good for you, so we provide relief from your own tormentor, so you can create a Yes Brain approach for yourself.
How can psychotherapy help develop a Yes Brain in both parents and children?
It’s so interesting when therapists do this. I’ve given workshops for therapists on The Yes Brain. When therapists learn this approach, they begin with themselves, so they become more mindfully aware and enter this receptive state. [Then], they can really begin to appreciate how their clients may have had repeated experience of No Brain emphasis in their own childhoods. You can translate, as I’ve done in these workshops, every Yes Brain parenting skill into a Yes Brain therapy skill.
Can you take us through the process of using complex scientific research on the brain and human behavior to create relatable and understandable content for parents and families?
First thing, I’m a dad. I have two kids now in their mid-20s, and that privilege of being their dad and co-parenting with my wife [has] led me to reflect on the experience of parenting. Since I’m also a child and adolescent psychiatrist, I work with very young people, and I can see them all the way into adulthood. And then, I’m a scientist, trained to study parent-child relationships and how they shape the development of the mind. On top of that, I work in a field called interpersonal neurobiology, where for the last 25 years we’ve been asking the question, “If you combined all of the sciences together into one framework, what would that framework look like?â€
For me, it’s helpful because I have a continuing revision process of The Developing Mind. I’m always asking the interns that work with me to prove these ideas wrong. The Whole-Brain Child, No-Drama Discipline, and our next book, these all basically say to a parent, “Here’s the science of integration, here’s how you can find it useful in your life.†And we’ve been so grateful that we hear from people all over the place about how these simple strategies, which come from very complex science, actually work. We try to explain enough of the science so it really makes sense, but not too much, because the art of writing a book like this is to know what not to put in. [amazon_affiliate]
How do the ideas and strategies you explore in The Yes Brain relate and connect to the previous books you’ve co-written with Dr. Bryson, The Whole Brain Child and No Drama Discipline?
We get feedback from parents about certain initial ideas that were helpful. Like Yes Brain, as an example. We found there was a topic that was skirted on in both No Drama Discipline, which reminds parents that discipline means to teach, not to punish, and The Whole Brain Child, the grounding book that says, “Look, here are the different domains of integration you can work on.†For this book, what we wanted to do was take this idea that parents told us they needed to know more about, which is, “How do you redefine what success is?†And when you look at how much depression, anxiety, and even suicide rates there are in children and adolescents, you realize something is going really wrong. This Yes Brain approach is something we all need to provide that balance, resilience, insight, and empathy to guide us through [difficult] times.
Do you think your experiences in private practice have influenced your writing, or vice versa? How so?
The incredible privilege of getting to know people in therapy as a therapist completely made it possible for me to be a writer. I never wrote much until I became a psychotherapy trainee, and I realized that it was helpful to have an individual patient and see how reviewing all the scientific studies gave me a different way of approaching [them] in therapy. There’s a dance between summarizing many individuals into categories and patterns and applying that to the individual, but also always honoring the individual experience that may not conform to the statistical summaries. I think being a therapist has reinforced what I always felt was true since I was a young kid, which was that no matter what science [says], you have to honor individual things.
Writing made me figure out how to articulate certain principles. As you’re typing words out, editing them, and releasing them into the world, it’s quite an experience of, “Do I really believe in what I just said? And is there science backing it up? And is it said in a practical way?†But here’s the secret: I find that the relationship I get with readers, when you get positive feedback about how a book really changed their life, that’s what gave me the drive to go forward.
Can an old dog learn new tricks? Can we change in adulthood? Many of us struggle with this question as we make New Year’s resolutions that we fail to meet: eating healthier, exercising, overcoming behavioral habits that keep us from living up to our personal and relational goals.
Sometimes we blame our genetics—it’s our DNA that is keeping us stuck! Or we blame our childhoods—if only we had better parenting, we could reach for the stars! There is no question that we are each born with a temperament, and that genes play a role in our abilities and limitations. And early childhood experience does shape our brains. In fact, neuroscientists these days look at the interplay between genes and environment, or G x E. But does that mean once we have survived childhood we are fixed, set in our ways, determined by our nature and early nurture?
Neuroplasticity in Adulthood
Until a decade or so ago, many scientists thought that while children’s brains are malleable or plastic, neuroplasticity stops after age 25, at which point the brain is fully wired and mature; you lose neurons as you age, and basically it’s all downhill after your mid-twenties. Fortunately, this rather grim view of the aging brain has been upended by more recent research. We now know that the human brain is capable of change throughout life. It’s true that a typical child’s brain is more plastic, more capable of change and new learning than a typical adult brain. And we do lose neurons as we age. But it’s not all downhill; the adult brain can create new neuronal connections and even new neurons born from neuronal stem cells. In addition to these gray matter (neuronal) changes, there can be change in our white matter, the pathways between neurons and the myelin that allows neurons to communicate efficiently.
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What Promotes Neuroplasticity?
We are not guaranteed vibrant, flexible brains as we age, however. A lot depends on how we live our lives. The adult brain needs oxygen and stimulation to stay sharp and capable of change.
Researchers have identified the following three habits as facilitating neuroplasticity as we age: physical exercise (which increases blood flow to the brain, delivering much-needed oxygen), paying attention, and learning new things. Once I learned about the impact of physical movement on neuroplasticity, I increased my exercise to daily from twice a week. And I see the difference in both body and mind! While an aerobic workout is great, even walking briskly for half an hour will increase blood flow and feed oxygen to hungry neurons.
The second factor that increases neuroplasticity, paying attention, is the opposite of acting on automatic pilot. Most of the time we do function on automatic, which is easier and less tiring than thinking through and being aware of our every move. This automaticity can be to our advantage, as we easily ride our bike or whip up our favorite recipe. But living on automatic can mean that we miss precious moments, forget to smell the roses, or take for granted a majestic mountain vista. Waking up to our experience allows us to be present. It also allows the brain to be more active and flexible. One of the best ways to pay attention is to engage in mindfulness practices, whether through a formal practice of meditation or in more informal ways.
The third stimulus to brain plasticity in adulthood is learning new things. This comes naturally to a young child, for whom everything is new. By contrast, adults tend to be less open. We get comfortable with the familiar; we like to kick back, relax, and do the same old, same old. This may feel good, but it does not contribute to neural flexibility. And if we combine same old, same old with not exercising—being a couch potato, television, potato chips and all—we are depriving the brain of the nutrients of neuroplasticity.
Mind-Sets about Change
Some of us are more open to change than others. Carol Dweck’s research offers a fascinating glimpse into our mind-sets about change. Some people, she says, have a fixed mind-set; they are not interested in changing, or assume they are incapable of change as adults. This is epitomized in Popeye’s famous statement, “I yam what I yam.†By contrast, people with a growth mind-set assume they are capable of change and growth in their lives.
Change in Couples
Some folks come eagerly to therapy, looking forward to the possibilities of learning and transformation. Others are hesitant, defending their right to be as they are. It’s not uncommon in a couple that one partner takes the “let’s change and grow†position, while the other comes to therapy reluctantly.
Old habits have quite a hold on us and are hard to change. To wire in a new set of behaviors, we have to repeat them over and over again. Eventually, these new behaviors become the new normal.
For hypothetical example, Tina, feeling increasingly disconnected in her marriage and frustrated that Joe doesn’t share her enthusiasm for deep, emotional conversations, drags him to therapy to improve their relationship. Joe comes to couples therapy because he loves his wife and doesn’t want to lose her. But he is resentful. He says, “I’m the same man you married—the strong and silent type. You’re the one who has changed!†For Joe, Tina’s evolving needs and her pushing him to change are the problem. Joe has a fixed mind-set, and he defends his right to stay the same. Tina has a growth mind-set; for her, transformation and growth are vital nutrients. Their “meeting of the mind-sets†is the first challenge we will face as we work together. I will help Joe see the positive payoffs of change, and I will help Tina back off from her campaign to reform Joe.
Most of us don’t want to “be changed†by someone else. We want to author our own change. Tina sees change as a transitive verb with a direct object: “Tina changes Joe.†But Joe doesn’t want to be the direct object of Tina’s change agenda. He wants some autonomy to choose his change. Family therapists have long observed that the only person you can change is yourself. Both Joe and Tina may decide to change in order to revitalize their relationship—but this needs to be a choice for each of them. Authoring your own change can be empowering; having change foisted on you can breed resentment.
Making Change Last
Let’s come back to those New Year’s resolutions. We have great intentions, and do engage in healthier habits for a while—only to find a few weeks in that we are backsliding. It’s too cold to go to the gym. There’s no time. We are great at coming up with excuses. Why is it so hard to live up to our goals and make new changes last?
Once again, neuroscience points to the answer. Habits become wired into the brain; once established through constant repetition, circuits of neurons keep our habits in place. Old habits have quite a hold on us and are hard to change. To wire in a new set of behaviors, we have to repeat them over and over again. Eventually, these new behaviors become the new normal.
When I started swimming as an adult, every trip to the pool was an effort as I worked to coordinate my breathing with my strokes. My brain and body were not accustomed to an aquatic life. Now, after years of regular visits to the pool, I crave my morning swim; I feel so natural in the water, I wonder if I was a fish in a former life.
Embracing a Growth Mind-Set
Whether we like it or not, things change. Our brains and bodies are evolving all the time—getting stronger as we exercise mentally and physically, getting weaker as we age or become couch potatoes. We can’t stop the process of time and aging, but we do have some choices over how we deal with our lives and relationships.
We can opt to live in a way that nurtures neuroplasticity—or we can close our hearts and minds to the new. We can exercise body and mind, or we can let our physical and mental faculties slide. Our mind-sets and our habits affect the brain, for better or worse. Choosing change, a growth mind-set, allows us to nurture neuroplasticity in our brains and promotes flexibility in our personal and relational lives.
Which mind-set will you choose?
References:
- Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself. NY: Viking.
- Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. NY: Ballantine.
- Fishbane, M.D. (2013). Loving with the brain in mind: Neurobiology & couple therapy. NY: WW Norton.
- Ratey, J.J. (2008). Spark: The revolutionary new science of exercise and the brain. NY: Little, Brown & Co.
Have you ever tried to shed an old, troublesome habit? Ever made a New Year’s resolution you couldn’t keep? If so, welcome to the human race. And welcome to your brain.
We Are Creatures of Habit
A few weeks ago, I made a mixture of nuts and dried fruit and settled in for a few minutes of television in the evening. The next night, I did the same. By the third night, I was craving the nuts as I contemplated watching a show I had recorded. I was astonished how quickly I had developed the nutty TV habit. I felt like Pavlov’s dog, salivating when the bell rang. Or, in my case, salivating as I thought of TV, now associated with my new favorite snack.
While on the first night I was genuinely hungry, by the third I was eating out of habit, mindlessly heading to the nuts even though I was still pretty full from dinner. Neuroscience gives us insight into the power of habit in our lives—and why we can become victims of our own habitual behaviors.
The Anatomy of Habit
Everything we do, feel, or think is reflected in circuits of neurons in our brains. Neurons, or brain cells, communicate with each other at a gap, called the synapse. One neuron releases chemicals—neurotransmitters—into the synaptic space, where it is picked up by the receptors of the next neuron. There are billions of neurons in the human brain; each neuron connects with up to 10,000 other neurons, resulting in trillions of synaptic connections. These interconnected neurons become circuits that underlie our habits.
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The more we do something—eat nuts while watching TV, ride a bike, play an instrument, study a new language—the stronger the neuronal circuit becomes that supports that habit. Donald Hebb, a Canadian neuroscientist in the 1940s, noted that once a circuit of neurons is formed, when one neuron fires, the others fire as well—strengthening the whole circuit. This has come to be known as Hebbian theory: “Neurons that fire together wire together.†Circuits of neurons maintain our habits, and our habits strengthen those neuronal circuits. The bio-behavioral influence goes both ways.
You Are What You Do
Scientists have shown that experience changes the connection between neurons. Everything you do changes your brain. If I continue my nightly TV-with-nuts ritual, that habit will become “wired†into my neuronal circuits. My behavior will change the structure of my brain. This is a rather sobering thought. From this perspective, you are what you do … so be careful what you do!
The more you do something, the more likely you are to do it in the future. The habit-driven brain doesn’t distinguish between good and problematic behaviors; it just builds repeated behaviors, thoughts, and feelings into stronger and stronger neuronal circuits. So what’s a person to do? Are we doomed to live on automatic pilot, driven by our lower brain and our habits?
While my nuts-and-TV behavior affects only me, other habits can cause damage to relationships. If I repetitively treat my husband with disrespect, that behavior becomes a part of who I am in the relationship. And it may evoke a less-than-ideal response in him, creating a negative relational dance that can erode our bond. We then become victims of our own relationship behaviors.
Prisoners of Our Habits?
We do have a choice: We can mindlessly play out problematic behaviors over and over again, becoming essentially prisoners of our own habits. Or we can step back, use our higher brains, and reflect on our actions. After three nights of my new TV-nuts habit, I realized I was acting like an automaton, and I didn’t like it. So I made a choice, using my prefrontal cortex, the part of my brain that allows me to think about what I do. I thought about the extra calories and, more importantly, the fact I didn’t want to engage in mindless eating. I stopped my habit in its tracks. Now if I decide to eat nuts, it’s when I’m actually hungry, not because I’m Pavlov’s salivating dog.
In my marriage, I work hard not to act mindlessly or to get caught up in habits of emotional reactivity. I try to think about my higher goals and to behave in accordance with my values. I don’t have to be a prisoner of my automatic response. I have learned to pause, take a breath, and think about how I want to be in my relationship. I have the power to choose, and the ability to change when I fall into thoughtless relational habits.
We Are Creatures of Change and Adaptation
It turns out that although we are creatures of habit, humans are also creatures of change and adaptation. Our brains are constantly changing in response to our changing environment. Our adaptability is the secret to our success as a species. The challenge is to harness our adaptability and use it toward positive ends, to make choices about who we want to be in our world.
You don’t have complete freedom to create yourself; you do come with genetic gifts and limitations, or temperament. But you have a lot more power to become the person you want to be than you might think. You are not predetermined by your genes. The secret is neuroplasticity, the ability of the brain to change.
Until a decade or so ago, neuroscientists thought that neuroplasticity was possible only in children’s brains. Indeed, the young brain is highly adaptable and shaped by experience, changing and growing with the nurturance (or lack of it) a child receives from parents and other caregivers. Everything is new to a young child; he or she absorbs it all, and is molded by the world around. (This is the nurture part of nature-and-nurture that makes us who we are.)
In recent years, scientists have made the amazing discovery that the adult brain is also plastic (changeable); we can learn and grow—changing our brains in the process—throughout life. And, it turns out, experience not only changes the connections between neurons, it affects the expression of genes. Genes are turned on or off by experience and environment (this is called epigenetics).
This remarkable new perspective on the adult brain’s capacity for change is heartening to those of us who want to keep growing and learning as we age. It is empowering to know that we can change bad habits and learn new skills throughout life; we don’t have to be victims of our past or of our genes. But it’s much harder for the adult brain to change than the child’s brain. With all of our wired-in habits, we have to work at what comes naturally to the young child.
Neuroplasticity Is a Double-Edged Sword
Neuroplasticity is responsible for both habits and change. Since everything you do changes your brain, you can get trapped in habits by doing them over and over—or you can make a decision to change those habits, choose a new path, and create new habits that are more in keeping with your values. You can live mindlessly, on automatic pilot. Or you can choose a different path and live in a more mindful way. The choice is yours.
We like to think we are in charge of our own life, master of our ship. We do in fact have the ability to choose how to act, what we say, who we are—up to a point. Neuroscience gives us a perspective that is rather humbling. It turns out that we share a great deal with lower creatures in terms of our basic survival instincts, and in terms of how the brain works. Like other animals, a lot of what we do is on automatic pilot. We share 98% of our DNA with chimpanzees. The 2% difference is mostly in the prefrontal cortex, the most advanced part of the brain that is unique to us humans. We are animals, but animals with a difference.
The Amygdala: Threat Detector
Most of the time, our brain is humming along, working on automatic pilot without our awareness. The amygdala, a key part of the emotional brain, is always scanning for danger. When it senses threat, the amygdala kicks into high gear, prompting a cascade of neurological and chemical messages throughout brain and body to deal with the crisis. The fight-or-flight response is triggered. This is very helpful if you’re hiking in the woods and see a snake. Your amygdala gets you to run away before you’re fully aware of what you’ve seen. But perhaps it was just a stick and you overreacted. The amygdala doesn’t dabble in niceties; it is biased toward the negative, and can save your life in a pinch. Its job is to protect you from danger, and a few false alarms are part of the deal.
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The amygdala is a great ally in a dark alley; one whiff of danger and it’s efficiently doing its job. The heart races, the feet make us run, and we (hopefully) escape the bad guy. But the amygdala isn’t very smart; it often sees danger where none exists. Let’s say you’re in your living room with your partner and he or she gives you a look of disapproval. Your amygdala registers danger, and you have two choices: fight or flight. You start defending yourself or you counter-criticize your partner for being so critical (two forms of fight); maybe you storm out of the room, slamming the door for good measure (flight).
Success! Your amygdala has saved you from a threatening moment with your partner. The problem is, he or she is now in the living room stewing over how you abandoned him/her, and more trouble lies ahead. Perhaps it would have been smarter for you to ask about his/her concern and address it calmly. If only you hadn’t reacted so rashly! Now he or she is going to be angry for days, and you’re going to feel guilty. It’s a mess.
Prefrontal Cortex to the Rescue
Your animal instincts are protective, but they also can lead to a lot of heartbreak. Fortunately, we do have a higher brain; the prefrontal cortex (PFC) allows us to pause, think, and choose to act according to our higher values. It also allows us to repair with a partner when we have acted badly.
The prefrontal cortex calms the amygdala, helping us regulate our emotions. You don’t have to be a victim of your own reactivity, anger, or defensiveness. If you have the intention to be your best self, you can stop and make a better choice. I know this from personal experience. When I was a little girl, I had red hair—and a temper to match. My father shared with me some wisdom from an ancient Roman Stoic philosopher, Seneca, who said: “Most powerful is the person who has himself in his own power.†This had a big impact on me, even though I was only 8 years old. I understood that I could be powerful by taming my temper.
I’ve been working on my temper ever since, and these days I am often able to catch myself before I blow up at my husband. I pause (activating my PFC) and think before I yell or get reactive. Then I raise my concerns with him in a more loving and respectful manner—getting much better results than if I blast him with anger. In these moments, I am acting according to my higher values. When I can pull this off (not always!), I am choosing who I want to be in my marriage.
Emotion Regulation
The goal is not to stamp out our emotions. Emotions give color and vibrancy to our lives. They inform our decisions, allow us to love, and orient our moral compasses. But we do need to learn how to deal with our feelings, identifying and regulating them so we are not victims of our own reactivity.
Some people never learn to read their emotions. Men especially are socialized early in life to tune out or become numb to their vulnerable feelings: “Big boys don’t cry.†But if you can’t name your emotions, how are you going to regulate them? It’s not that the emotions go away—they’re just not available to consciousness. Let’s say Ted feels vulnerable when his wife, Amy, turns her attention away from him and he feels unimportant. But he’s never learned to recognize or understand his vulnerability. He may blow up at her if he’s felt ignored too often; neither he nor she has any idea where his tantrum comes from.
Neuroscientists point out that emotions start in our body; the information travels from the gut or heart up the spinal cord to the brain, where we become aware of our feelings. Ted needs to learn to identify his body cues when he is feeling left out or ignored by his wife, name the feeling, and take more constructive steps to address this issue with her.
Step one is identifying the emotion; step two is regulating it. When Ted feels upset with Amy, it’s not OK to just lash out. He needs to work with his feelings so he can raise his concerns respectfully. There are many ways to regulate emotions when we are upset. Deep belly breathing is particularly helpful; the out breath activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms down the sympathetic nervous system (part of the fight-or-flight response). Mindfulness meditation likewise calms the emotional brain. Counting to 10 or taking a break for a few minutes are other ways to settle down when upset. Cognitive reappraisal or reframing is also helpful (“my husband didn’t leave his shoes by the back door to trip me up on purpose; he just forgot to put them in the closetâ€).
Living and Loving Intentionally
Rather than living with knee-jerk reactivity, driven by our animal instincts for self-preservation, we can choose to live intentionally, thanks to the prefrontal cortex that differentiates us from other animals. I encourage couples to who come to me for therapy to identify their own higher goals and values; I then help them operationalize these values into concrete skills to improve their relationships.
Identifying your values and intentions helps you maximize the power of your prefrontal cortex. It allows you to develop relational virtues and reach for your best self—even when you start to get reactive. Instead of lashing out at my husband in a fit of temper, I can take a deep breath and say to myself, “This is the man I love. I want to act in a caring manner, not fly off the handle. I want a relationship of mutual respect.†In these best-self moments, I am relationally empowered, as my father and Seneca taught me so many years ago. It takes work to be able to calm yourself down and act in accordance with your higher values. The payoff is well worth it.
