From the Sex Therapist’s Toolbox: Exploring Sensate Focus

By Dr. Denise Renye, Licensed Psychologist (PsyD), Sex Therapist, Life Coach

From the Sex Therapist’s Toolbox: Exploring Sensate Focus

Last week I shared with you my perspective as a sexologist on the five circles of sexuality; this week, I want to share sensate focus with you as an exercise to facilitate sensual exploration and discovery with a partner. 

Sensate focus was developed by Dr. William Masters and Virginia Johnson in the 1960s. It is about giving and receiving touch. I give this partner exercise to couples to help them improve their communication and learn more about what each person likes. Sensate focus is a sensual exercise, not a sexual one, meaning no matter how turned on you or your partner becomes, avoid touching the genitals or breasts, and refrain from oral sex, intercourse, or other sexual activity until you get to that step, which takes time.

Below I’ve summarized the steps of the sensate focus exercise, but for more in-depth instructions, visit the Cornell Health website.

Try this exercise when you and your partner have about 30 to 40 minutes to spare, are relaxed, rested, and feeling care for each other. Nudity is ideal as this is a skin-to-skin practice, but it can also be practiced in loose-fitting clothing. Ideally, both partners are nude, showered, and free of jewelry and watches. As you engage, fully present, with one another, you’ll build intimacy with your partner on multiple levels. 

Starting Out

Step 1: Touching. 

One partner is the toucher and one is the receiver. For the receiving partner, focus on the sensation of being touched, notice the sensations. How do you feel? What do you notice about the differences in the way different types of touches or parts of your body feel as your partner touches you. Also, be sure to vocalize if something feels uncomfortable physically or psychologically. Remember: this is about both the sensual experience and about communication. 

For the toucher, notice the different surface textures of your partner’s skin. How do their hands feel versus their stomach? Which part of the body feels silky or supple? How glorious and exciting it is to be able to touch your partner in this way!

Practice this for 15 minutes since it can take some time to get in the groove, to feel comfortable with touching your partner. Vary the firmness and tempo – try a long-drawn-out touch as well as a quicker touch. How does changing the tempo alter the sensation? What difference do you notice using two hands versus one? Or touching with your whole hand rather than just your fingertips? 

Lastly, remember that at any point either partner can ask to stop! This is also true if the receiver starts to doze off. The point is not to receive a massage that leads to dreamland but rather for the toucher and receiver to notice sensations without any “shoulds” or distractions.

Step 2: Reverse roles. 

Now the toucher becomes the receiver. Segue into step two without any breaks if possible and don’t compare touching styles! You are two different people with different feelings, instincts, and perceptions. 

Some couples repeat steps one and two for a series of days. There’s no pressure to move on to step three, nor is there a test to “pass” before trying step three. It’s up to you and your partner. When you are working with a sexologist or sex therapist, heed their guidance and instruction and follow the plan you co-created together in session, but also rely on the relationship for furthering this exercise.

Level Up

Step 3: Include genital and/or breast touching. 

In this step, touching the genitals and/or breasts is included, but kissing and intercourse are not. As with step one, one person is the toucher and one is the receiver. And again, each partner should be rested, nude, and free of jewelry/watches. 

Have the receiver start out lying face-down on the bed. Touching the genitals and/or breasts is included in this step, but those body parts should not be the sole focus of the sensate focus exercise. At this stage, consider them as just another part of the body. Again, the point of sensate focus is not to specifically turn each other on or force something to happen, but rather to pay attention to the sensations associated with touching your partner’s body. To maintain this objective, try briefly touching in or around the genital area before moving to another part of the body. 

After falling into a nice rhythm where the toucher is registering the sensations in their fingertips, shift positions. The toucher will sit against a wall, perhaps with a few pillows behind their back and legs outstretched into a “V” shape. Have the receiver move to sit between the toucher’s legs with their back against the toucher’s chest. The toucher now has access to touch much of the receiver’s body if they reach down or around the receiver. 

The toucher continues to explore the receiver’s body but now nonverbal, touch communication is added: The receiver puts a hand on top of the toucher’s as they keep exploring. This “hand-riding” technique provides a simple yet effective way to transmit additional information to the toucher. For instance, the receiver can demonstrate where they’d like a firmer touch or a slower one. 

The toucher doesn’t have to comply with every nudge, but this practice allows them to combine personal feelings and needs with messages from the receiver. Also, for the toucher, note that a signal to your hand isn’t a criticism but is instead a request to try something else. There are many opportunities to see your own shadow material come into the light during this exercise. These are great instances to process in your next therapy session. Receiver, give your partner signals while they touch your genital area so they don’t guess what you prefer.

Some notes: If the receiver orgasms, that’s OK, but don’t try to make an orgasm happen. Remember, this is not a goal-oriented exercise. Also, at any time either participant can request switching roles. However, make sure each partner experiences both roles before ending the sensate focus exercise. 

Later Steps of Sensate Focus

Steps four and five involve the use of lotion as well as mutual touching. Step six is sensual, not sexual intercourse. The same principles of sensate focus apply but now your genital areas can touch too. At this step, if sexual intercourse is desired, start with only partial penetration. Go slowly and take your time to feel the sensations associated with contact.

I’ve only summarized sensate focus and skimmed over the last three steps because I think it’s important to have a solid sensual foundation. We spend so much time talking about how to have better sex that we often forget about the other sexuality circles. Bringing in more sensuality will ultimately lead to better sex; it’s not something to skip over.  

References

Green, Eli R. “The 5 Circles of Sexuality: Overview and Implications for Transgender People.” FORGE. Accessed September 17, 2020. 

“Sensate Focus.” Cornell Health. https://health.cornell.edu/sites/health/files/pdf-library/sensate-focus.pdf. Accessed September 21, 2020.

“The Circles of Sexuality.” Minnesota Department of Public Health. Accessed September 17, 2020.

Dr. Denise Renye is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified sexologist, and yoga therapist as well as psychedelic integrationist. She has a friendly, down-to-earth and professional approach that will allow space for you to be at ease when talking about sensitive subjects. She has specialized training and works with people in the areas of complex trauma, sexuality, intimacy, states of consciousness, and fringe relationships. Her practice is in Northern California and globally via virtual therapy and coaching.

Therapists, did you know we have CE courses available for homestudy about sex and sexuality? Click here to see some of the options; visit your member’s area to search the full archives. Not a member yet? Check out our membership options that include CEs here.

Middle-aged couple dances in their kitchen.In today’s hectic world, the demands of life can end up dictating your relationship rather than the other way around. Sexual intimacy is often one of the casualties. Time, stress, and busy schedules make it difficult for couples to find time when both partners are interested and available for sex.

If you and your partner would like to have more or better sex, the first step is to prioritize it like you do other important things in your life. One way to kick start this new approach is to have a sexcation with your partner.

A sexcation is a vacation that is solely dedicated to connecting intimately with your partner. Sexcations work well over a long weekend where you will have 3-4 days together away from the stress of your normal life. Let’s discuss how to plan your sexcation in order to maximize the chances that it will be a success.

Step 1: Overcoming Obstacles

You may be thinking, “I don’t have the (time, money, childcare, energy, etc.) for a sexcation with my partner.” It’s entirely possible that now is not the right time for you to have a sexcation. But before jumping to that conclusion, I encourage you to consider your options with an open mind.

Remember that a sexcation is not about extravagance. Rather, the main focus is creating a space for quality time together.Let’s start with time. How do you currently spend your time? Are you busy with kids, family visits, work, or projects? These are all important, but where does your relationship fit into that? Having a vibrant romantic relationship is something most people want, yet many of us do not give ourselves permission to truly prioritize it. If you are unable to coordinate consecutive days off together, start with one day and see how that goes.

Let’s consider the financial aspect. Remember that a sexcation is not about extravagance. Rather, the main focus is creating a space for quality time together. You could even plan a sexcation at your house if you are unable to travel.

If childcare is an issue, I encourage you to think creatively about how to solve that problem. If you have a baby, you may be able to structure your time together around when the baby is sleeping. If you have toddlers or older children, perhaps they can stay with a friend or family member for the weekend.

I know it won’t be easy to navigate all these obstacles, but I have seen couples do it with persistence. The following instructions are designed to help you connect, or reconnect if you’ve been distant from each other.

Step 2: Creating Your Oasis

Once you have blocked out the time on your calendars and picked the location of your sex-cation, it’s time to create your oasis. To do this, you may need to plan a buffer between the stress of normal life and your intimate time together. It may be best to plan for the first full day of your sexcation as a buffer day. If you only have one or two days total, you may need to shorten that period.

During the buffer day, consider what you need to do to feel present with your partner. If you need to wrap up loose ends from the week, you can do so, but limit your work to no more than 1 hour, then set it aside for the rest of the time. You and your partner may also have unresolved conflicts from the week. *If* you feel you can discuss it in a calm and respectful manner, spend no more than 1 hour discussing the issue to come to a resolution or stopping point. If you cannot discuss it in a calm manner, make a contract with each other to set the issue aside while on your sexcation. This is not the time for bickering and fighting; it’s time to reconnect and focus on the things you like about each other.

Once you have wrapped up loose ends, each partner should engage in self-care activities for the rest of the buffer day. One good recipe for self-care includes:

Everyone is different, so I encourage you to think ahead about what works best for you and create a self-care plan. Some people may want to go on a long bike ride, while others want a hot bath. Some people use meditation, while others use movement or dance. Some people are soothed by rock music, while others respond to classical. There is no right or wrong way to engage in self-care.

Step 3: Intellectual and Emotional Foreplay

Once you and your partner conclude your buffer phase, you can now enter your oasis together. From here through the rest of your sexcation, you will be in foreplay with each other. Foreplay starts long before the clothes come off. It also involves connecting with each other mentally and emotionally.

Consider using the following prompts:

Step Four: Getting Sexy

Once you are feeling intellectually stimulated and emotionally connected, you can begin to incorporate traditional foreplay involving sensual touch. Think ahead about what type of lovemaking you’d like. Do you enjoy feeling seductive and sultry? Sweet and sensual? Fun and flirty? Or some combination of these?

It’s important to cultivate an environment in which both of you feel safe in sharing your desires. Judgment and criticism have no place in your oasis. Also remember your sexcation is not a time to push each other’s boundaries. Instead, focus on activities you both will enjoy.

Consider creating a sensual menu of things you like, such as:

Think about using music, scents such as candles or lotion, or sensual fabrics such as satin or leather. You can also use erotic stories or art to set the mood. Bring any sex toys, sexy games, lingerie, or outfits that you might like to use. Be sure to stay well hydrated, well fed, and well rested. Remember that, regardless of anything else, your goal is connection and enjoyment as a couple.

If you need help restoring intimacy in your relationship, you may wish to contact a sex therapist or couples counselor. With support from the right therapist, you and your partner can reconnect both physically and emotionally.

References:

  1. Gottman, J. & DeClaire, J. (2002). The relationship cure: A 5 step guide to strengthening your marriage, family, and friendships. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
  2. Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Harmony Books.
  3. McCarthy, B & McCarthy, E. (2014). Rekindling desire, 2nd Ed. New York, NY: Routledge.
  4. McCarthy, B & McCarthy, E. (2012). Sexual awareness: Your guide to a healthy couple sexuality, 5th Ed. New York, NY: Routledge.
  5. McCarthy, B & McCarthy, E. (2009). Discovering your couple sexual style. New York, NY: Routledge.

Woman sipping drink and looking at partner on dateWe seem to have a love-hate relationship with intimacy. We say we want intimate connection, yet we create blocks to receiving it. We struggle to share the deepest parts of ourselves despite wanting our partners to see, hear, and know us.

The quality of our intimacy can mirror relationship problems, but often it reflects our conflict with intimacy itself. How do we reconcile wanting intimacy while fearing it?

First, let’s better understand intimacy. Intimate moments happen when we share our innermost selves—thoughts, feelings, desires, longings, wounds, dreams, faults, and more—with another person. The word intimacy has often been pronounced “into me, you see.”

In his book Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch, PhD acknowledges that our ultimate quest for intimacy is the search for love and we cannot be fully loved until we are fully known. To be fully known requires that we not only share our similarities with our partners, but also our differences.

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So, based on this, intimacy looks like this: In order to be intimate with you, I have to be willing to let you fully know me. If I let you fully know me, I risk losing you. I risk your rejection. I risk your abandonment. I risk you suffocating me. I risk your envelopment of me. I risk you knowing too much about me. I risk.

Then we have Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, which tells us that passion, intimacy, and commitment make for loving relationships. Sternberg further states intimacy helps couples establish a sense of security.

How can something that feels so scary and risky bring safety and security? This is the paradox of intimate connection. While it feels risky, it often brings couples closer. It helps couples establish connection, fulfillment, and meaning.

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In their book Couples in Treatment, Gerald R. Weeks and Stephen T. Fife note four major fears that accompany intimacy. These include:

So how do you develop a rich intimate life when intimacy feels so scary?

Step 1: Understand the Paradox

You may opt to not “rock the boat,” not “ruffle feathers,” or simply not reveal all of you. You may avoid, withhold, and spare your partner your true thoughts and feelings. It may feel counterintuitive to do otherwise. But research shows us the most robust intimate relationships involve high levels of vulnerability. Understand that intimacy is paradoxical. What feels scary has the greatest potential to bring you closer.

Step 2: Practice Courage

Great relationships require you to practice courageous intimacy. Since vulnerability feels uncomfortable and scary, you must exercise courage. Use your courage to propel you into conversations and/or actions that you might otherwise dismiss or withhold.

Step 3: Let Go of the Outcome

Intimacy requires you to let go of control. You want to be loved, but you cannot control whether someone loves you. You can control only you. You can be only you. Let go. This may be the greatest gift you can give your partner and, more importantly, yourself.

Intimacy can feel like a spiritual experience, tapping into a complex tapestry of our human existence. It can include extraordinary moments of deep connection along with experiences of profound, painful loss. Intimacy is the breath and life of all healthy relationships. It becomes the fertile ground for true love to flourish.

To learn ways to build intimacy in your relationship, contact a licensed therapist.

References:

  1. Schnarch, D. (2009). Passionate marriage: Keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships. New York, NY: W.W, Norton & Company, Inc.
  2. Weeks, G.R., & Fife, S.T. (2014). Couples in treatment: Techniques and approaches for effective practice. New York, NY: Routledge.
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