Girl sitting on windowsill, looking outside at some trees.Some people use the words “isolation” and “loneliness” interchangeably, but this does not reflect the true meaning of each term. Isolation may lead to loneliness, and in some cases, loneliness may exacerbate isolation. Both have been found to occur with other mental health issues such as anxiety or depression.

Knowing how loneliness and isolation are distinct and related can help people who struggle with them best address and work through these issues. Here are a few things to know about handling loneliness and social isolation in your life.

The Difference Between Isolation and Loneliness

Social isolation occurs when a person has little or no contact with other people. It can occur over long or short periods of time and is a distinctly physical state. Isolation specifically may be characterized by:

Isolation can have many negative emotional effects, including increased sadness, restlessness, and loneliness. While isolation can cause loneliness, the two don’t always occur together. People may find themselves socially isolated regularly as a side effect of an isolating mental health issue such as social anxiety or agoraphobia. For example, someone with agoraphobia may feel too anxious to leave their house on some days.

Loneliness, on the other hand, is an emotional state. It’s defined as feeling alone or separate from others, or as feeling empty. Loneliness may accompany social isolation but can be caused by other things, including breakups or divorce, moving to a new location, or the death of a close friend or loved one. Someone who has difficulty making friends may also experience frequent loneliness. In the case of mental health, loneliness can accompany depression, anxiety, and many addictions and phobias.

Does Isolation Cause Loneliness?

There are some cases in which isolation can lead to loneliness. Sometimes not being around others for long periods of time can make people feel intensely alone. For example, if someone works from home, they may spend all day alone in their house without much social contact, in which case they may experience feelings of loneliness. Bullying or the experience of being alienated from a social group is also likely to bring about feelings of loneliness.

Loneliness can sometimes lead to isolation. People who feel lonely for long periods of time may have a hard time engaging with others in social situations. If it seems too difficult to reach out to others or if a fear of rejection has taken hold, people may isolate themselves to deal with their loneliness. The isolation-loneliness cycle often feeds into itself but does not offer respite or relief to the people stuck in it.

In some cases, isolation and feelings of loneliness may occur simultaneously without one being caused by the others. This typically means that other social, psychological, or mental health-related factors may be involved.

How Isolation and Loneliness Affect Mental Health

Isolation has been shown in studies to affect people with mental health issues. In some cases, such as when people have anxiety or depression, isolation can aggravate what may already feel like an intense symptom. This could be particularly true when the depression and anxiety are usually alleviated by social contact.

Prolonged loneliness can even lead to health problems. Too much time alone has been shown to impact cognitive development in young people and lead to poor physical health habits. Sometimes feeling lonely for a long time can make people feel that taking care of themselves isn’t worth the effort, and they may give up eating well or exercising.

Some other effects of isolation and loneliness to look out for may include:

Loneliness may accompany social isolation but can be caused by other things, including breakups or divorce, moving to a new location, or the death of a close friend or loved one.

When Isolation and Loneliness Are Symptoms

Sometimes loneliness and/or isolation present as primary symptoms of a mental health issue. For example, if someone suddenly begins to pull away from friends and family, this could indicate that a number of potential issues. They could have depression or an eating disorder, or they may be affected by an abusive relationship. Isolation may be a first sign of many mental health issues, so identifying the unique context of each situation is key in order to understand it.

Loneliness and isolation can be symptoms of the following mental health issues, among others:

Risk Factors for Isolation and Loneliness

Just as with any other issue, some people may be more susceptible to isolation and loneliness than others, although anyone can become isolated or feel lonely. People who have recently had traumatic life changes, who live in tumultuous home environments, or who have witnessed or experienced domestic violence or abuse may be more prone to both loneliness and isolation.

For example, a person who’s recently been divorced and has moved to a new neighborhood may feel the absence of their former partner and community, causing them to be lonely. Additionally, an elderly person whose spouse has died may be isolated in their day-to-day life, which may lead to loneliness and poor health.

People who live in abusive homes may isolate themselves because the shame of their environment makes them think they can’t talk with others about their life. They may also feel intensely lonely if they become worried no one will be able to relate to their life experiences.

Getting Help

If you’re feeling lonely or experience isolation for long periods of time, it may help to reach out to a licensed mental health professional who can offer support as you work through those struggles. Not addressing prolonged loneliness and isolation can negatively impact your physical and mental well-being.

If there is a deeper mental health issue causing your feelings of loneliness or isolation, a therapist can help treat that issue and put you on the path to your best self. Remember that you are not alone and there is never shame in asking for help.

References:

  1. Cherry, K. (2018, November 20). What you should know about loneliness. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/loneliness-causes-effects-and-treatments-2795749
  2. Ge, L., Heng, B. H., Ong, R., & Yap, C. (2017, August 23). Social isolation, loneliness and their relationships with depressive symptoms: A population-based study. PLOS One. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0182145
  3. Hawthorne, G. (2008). Perceived social isolation in a community sample: Its prevalence and correlates with aspects of peoples’ lives. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, 43(2), 140-150. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1007/s00127-007-0279-8
  4. How to cope with loneliness. (2016). Retrieved from https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/loneliness/#.WzV1gxJKiRs
  5. Stickley, A., Koyanagi, A., Koposov, R., Schwab-Stone, M., & Ruchkin, V. (2014). Loneliness and health risk behaviours among Russian and U.S. adolescents: A cross-sectional study. BMC Public Health, 14, 366. Retrieved from http://www.biomedcentral.com/1471-2458/14/366
  6. What is loneliness doing to your brain? (2018, June 27). Retrieved from https://www.seeker.com/videos/health/what-is-loneliness-doing-to-your-brain
  7. Williams, Y. (n.d.). Social isolation: Definition, causes, and effects. Retrieved from https://study.com/academy/lesson/social-isolation-definition-causes-effects.html

Dear GoodTherapy,

Ever since my dad died last year, I have had no one to talk to. And really, I had no one to talk to for the last three years of his life, ravaged as he was by Alzheimer’s.

I don’t have any other family. I have no close friends, no husband or boyfriend, and no children. It’s just me and my constant companions: emptiness, loneliness, and my 8-year-old dog Roxie. When she goes, my life will truly be meaningless. Sometimes I hope she outlives me. If God had told me this would be my life, I would have stayed put.

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I’m not kidding when I say I can go three or four days without saying a word to anyone. I write, but it’s just for me (except this letter). Writing is like talking to myself, so that’s something, I guess. And it keeps me from losing track of language altogether. Sometimes I feel like I’m starting to lose my mind the way Dad did.

So now that you know how pathetic my life is, go ahead and tell me there is “hope” if only I do this, that, and the other thing. I probably won’t believe you, but I wouldn’t be writing if I had given up completely. —In Solitary

Dear Solitary,

Your letter inspires my curiosity, not my advice. I’m not going to tell you to do anything because I believe you already know what to do—you’re just not ready. Perhaps you’re too mad or too sad. Both, maybe? What I will say is caring for your dad for three years took a lot out of you. You’re flattened, your energy seemingly used up.

It’s time for renewal. I think that’s why you wrote this letter. I don’t know what you do to care for yourself. I don’t know what you like to do, what you’d like to learn to do, or what you’d like to do differently, but you probably know the answers. Knowing what to do can be a lot easier than doing it, of course.

I’m not sure what you mean when you write, “If God had told me this would be my life, I would have stayed put.” Stayed put where? In a different house, job, city, state, state of existence? There are hints of hopelessness in your words, but there is always hope. Sometimes it helps when someone removed from your situation points it out. Speaking of hope, I hope you will consider working with a therapist for this reason. No good therapist is going to tell you what to do, but they will walk with you through the hardest parts until you see your own way forward.

Can you use your compassion and commitment for yourself, too? If not, why not?

Had you always lived with your father? Had you always lived the same way? You cared for your dad, Alzheimer’s and all, for three years. You know plenty about commitment and devotion to others. I wonder where and how you learned. Did someone once care for you that way? Can you use your compassion and commitment for yourself, too? If not, why not?

I have a lot of questions. Maybe too many. Do you ever question yourself? You write, so I’m guessing you do.

You are clearly lonely, but you know how to reach people if you want. You’ve put yourself in solitary confinement. I wonder what you’ve done to deserve this. Or what you think you’ve done.

Is it punishment or choice? Maybe you like having time alone, too. After all, you don’t have to take care of anybody except yourself and your dog.

You think your life is “pathetic”? I don’t think so. I think you’ve got plenty going for yourself. You just need to decide to use what you have.

Take care,

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, NCPsyA, C-IAYT

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’m done with my family. With the exception of my brother-in-law, they have all become angry, nasty people (dare I say racist in many cases). Their beliefs are the polar opposite of mine. Some of them believe and say things that would be very hurtful to some of my friends, and I find it deeply offensive. Of course, they think it’s my problem for being offended. Apparently there is nothing wrong with them and I just need “thicker skin.”

You know what? No. If not for our shared DNA, we wouldn’t even be friends. Why should I pretend to like you just because we were put on this earth in circumstances that caused us to have to tolerate each other?

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I have to tell you how alone I feel right now. I hate that I feel so out of place in my own family. It feels like a choice between morality and loyalty. I choose morality. My brother-in-law tends to grin and bear it, but I can tell he is struggling with this too.

I’m not sure why I am writing. I’m just really sad right now. I don’t feel like I have a family, even though they are alive and well. And I don’t know what to do about that. —On My Own

Dear On Your Own,

I’m so sorry you find yourself in such a painful place. We are living in polarized times where the differences between us can feel like insurmountable gulfs. There are many people finding themselves at odds with friends, family members, and coworkers in surprising and hurtful ways. There is no one way to manage these hurtful experiences; we can only find the path that works for us.

People can disagree, and yet, with compassion and empathy, hear one another and find ways to connect. It sounds, however, as if you have raised your concerns with your family and have been brushed off and had your feelings dismissed. That is not what you might hope to experience from those who are, in theory, closest to you.

I hear you framing your dilemma as a conflict between morality and loyalty. Perhaps the issue is better understood as one of mutual respect of one another’s humanity.

I hear you framing your dilemma as a conflict between morality and loyalty. Perhaps the issue is better understood as one of mutual respect of one another’s humanity. You have tried to share your feelings and discomfort and have not received understanding, compassion, or respect. It would be understandable if you did not want to continue being in relationship with people who seem to care so little about how you feel. That isn’t disloyalty, that is self-preservation.

Given how hurt and isolated you feel, it may be helpful to talk with a licensed therapist about your feelings of loss and disappointment. You can explore how you want to move forward and if there may be ways to stay connected with your family that would not be so painful.

Each of us has the family we were born into and the family that we create. Both can be supportive parts of our lives, but sometimes we have to move away from one toward another that serves us better.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Three friends sit outside talking and laughing while eating in late afternoonWhen we think of developmental milestones, we often think of children. But a lot of people aren’t aware that we continue to experience change points in life as we grow and age. As part of these changes, we may face both internal and societal pressures to meet certain “typical” developmental milestones.

One of the expectations society tends to place on us during middle age is that we have reached the peak of our careers and the arc of our relationship and family development.

If you are reading this blog, then there is a good chance you are already all too aware that this expectation can leave many middle-aged single people feeling lost, isolated, and left out of the “race.”

It is easy for me to say things like, “We don’t all experience life in the same ways,” and “There is no one right way to live life.” But it’s not always easy to hear things like that when you’re the one who is single and looking all around you at social media posts and community members who seem to have it all. Seeing others succeeding in their relationships when you are single and don’t want to be can leave you feeling isolated and grossly left behind.

3 Feelings You May Have

1. Confusion

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Maybe you are a person who, by most standards, has your life together. Maybe you are gainfully employed, social, reasonably attractive, and willing to put yourself out there. But you still don’t seem to be meeting the right people, including someone who could be the true love mate you’re looking for.

You see all the people in your inner circle moving forward, buying second homes, and sending kids off to college. But you haven’t even met the person you are supposed to be with yet.

Your friends may boast about how amazing you are. They tell you how sure they are you will find the person who will love you until death do you part (if you are into that sort of thing). But their reassurances may actually make you feel worse.

If all the above variables are true, of course you are confused. Why wouldn’t you be? You are confused because you have done the work and put in the time. But you still feel, for some reason, it isn’t happening.

I want to validate for you here that feeling confused about why everyone around you seems to be “getting it” when you aren’t is normal. It’s human. And anyone else in your shoes would likely be confused, too.

It can help to lean into the confusion without judgment. Sometimes we simply don’t have the answers to why we are going through something in life until later down the road. By simply allowing the questions, without needing immediate answers, we can take some of the strain we are feeling down a few notches. Doing so can also help us have more compassion for ourselves. Confusion is valid, yes. Beating ourselves up for it is not likely to be helpful, though.

2. Fear

Fear is a part of life. We all experience it from time to time. You might fear never finding someone to date, let alone spend the rest of your life with. You are not alone in this. I have often heard people I’m working with in therapy and middle-aged friends who are single report fears of being alone forever. Some also say they have spent so much time alone they are afraid they’ve forgotten how to date or be in a relationship.

It is normal to feel disappointed and afraid when life lands you in a spot you hadn’t expected. But it can be a good rule of thumb in these moments to take stock of the positive things you do have in your life.

It is normal to feel disappointed and afraid when life lands you in a spot you hadn’t expected. But it can be a good rule of thumb in these moments to take stock of the positive things you do have in your life. In some ways, your single status (while it may not be ideal) may have freed you up to do any number of things your partnered friends don’t have the financial freedom or time to enjoy.

The more you focus on the gifts of your current situation, the more likely you are to attract a partner. But not just any partner, the right partner—a person who will meet your already situated and joyful life.

The ideal relationship isn’t born out of desperation or fear. But one can certainly develop from the self-love and self-growth that stems from that initial fear.

3. Left behind

If you are middle-aged and single, it is likely that many of the people you know are in relationships or married, often with children. When a person has a partner, children, and a career to focus on, they may spend less time with their friends as a result. They might check in with their single friends even less. You may feel lonely as a result of these changes. But the changes don’t mean your friends with families have stopped caring about you. It just means their availability has changed.

But this type of relationship change, especially when it seems to happen with a lot of people at once, can leave a single person feeling forgotten, left out and sometimes even all alone. Even those who are fiercely independent and love their own company may find that over time, going to parties, baby showers, and weddings alone can become draining and exacerbate feelings of fear and confusion.

When you’re feeling left out or left behind, it can help to realize your friends have reached a phase in life where spending time with friends is no longer a priority. They are still your friends. But it might be time to consider taking steps to make more friends who are aligned with your current life path. Even a simple step, like joining a local group, taking an art or exercise class, or spending more time at your local coffee shop, can make a difference. It can also help to spend more time in places in your community, where the faces are familiar and new friendships can blossom.

Tips to Cope

Surrounding yourself with other people who are living a shared experience may help you feel better about your current situation. This shift alone can help alter the feelings of being isolated or “different” that can come up as you go through a phase of life that is not the same as that of the people around you.

It can also help to keep the following in mind:

If you struggle with working through concerns related to relationships, singlehood, or aging on your own, a compassionate, qualified counselor can provide support and guidance.

Adult with curly hair pulled back in bun sits on floor, looking out window, working on letterHave you ever felt lonely and wondered why? We don’t have to be alone or isolated to feel alone. Loneliness can happen when we are with family, when we get along well with other members of our community, and even when we have many friends on social media. So what, exactly, is loneliness? We feel lonely when we perceive that our social needs are not being met. Loneliness is an internal, subjective matter, explains Judith Shulevitz, science editor of The New Republic, in her 2013 essay on loneliness. It’s not about what’s happening to us on the outside, but rather what’s happening on the inside—how we think and feel about a situation.

Loneliness is an experience, a feeling of social disconnection. It can be induced by loss or a major life transition. Changing schools, a miscarriage, or a breakup can result in feeling lonely. All of these experiences share in common a broken connection. But more importantly, they share the perception one lacks an emotional bond, a bond we’re meant to have with others. How we perceive it may depend on our past.

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John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth describe this bond in infants and their parents (or primary caregivers) in their well-known attachment theory (Mercer, 2006). Their research suggests that, like infants, adults rely on an attachment figures to feel safe and supported. In fact, we unknowingly learn about relationships from attachment experiences in our early years. The attachment behaviors that develop when we are young tend to predict the way we behave when we are older. Thus, it can be insightful to think about our relationships with our parents as we grew up.

Another perspective on loneliness is that of evolutionary science. In this view, human survival depended on our ability to collaborate and share resources, explains Lynch (2017). We’re meant to connect and share our lives because our survival depended on it. We’ve become hard-wired to be social.

We know the distress loneliness causes human beings in extreme cases of social disconnection. Think, for instance, of the consequences of solitary confinement, which may include emotional distress, perceptual distortions, and self-harm. Think of the movie Cast Away, where Tom Hanks, depicting a man stranded on an island, created an imaginary friend out of a volleyball. It’s far from inconceivable. Our need to connect is strong.

Our understanding of and positive response to emotions is important in protecting us from the undesirable feeling of loneliness.

There is still much to learn about loneliness. Scholars continue to explore this topic, and contributing factors are still under study. However, research to date suggests emotional intelligence (EI), defined as the ability to identify and manage emotions, can be a strong predictor of loneliness (Zysberg, 2011). In other words, our understanding of and positive response to emotions is important in protecting us from the undesirable feeling of loneliness.

How can we use EI to overcome feelings of loneliness?

Commitment to actions that may alleviate loneliness is an important ingredient for success. It can be helpful to schedule time each day to work on these changes. Cognitive behavioral therapy remains a popular treatment for loneliness (Russo, 2018). If you can’t shake feelings of loneliness, consult with a mental health professional.

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References:

  1. Lynch, T. (2017). Lonely apes die—A new psychotherapy for chronic depression and anorexia nervosa. Retrieved from https://www.newharbinger.com/blog/lonely-apes-die—-new-psychotherapy-chronic-depression-and-anorexia-nervosa
  2. Mercer, D. (2006). Understanding attachment: Parenting, child care, and emotional development. Westport, CT: Praeger.
  3. Russo, F. (2018). The toxic well of loneliness. Scientific American, 318(1), 64-69.
  4. Shulevitz, J. (2013). The lethality of loneliness. Retrieved from https://newrepublic.com/article/113176/science-loneliness-how-isolation-can-kill-you
  5. Zysberg, L. (2011). Loneliness and emotional intelligence. The Journal of Psychology, 146, 37-46. doi: 1080/00223980.2011.574746

Young student with short hair sits on bench, looking lonely, backpack nearby“I have no friends,” said a recent high school sophomore during an emotional therapy session. She’s not alone—I hear it daily working with adolescent girls. As adults, we often scoff and wonder how this could be. But the truth is, teenagers today feel isolated and more alone than ever. Even in the age of social media, with constant digital connection, lack of deep friendships is creating a secluded void.

While everyone feels lonely from time to time, the number of teenagers who tell me they feel friendless is unnerving. When I probe deeper and ask why they feel this way, and how it happened, similar patterns emerge across the board.

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As adults, we are often quick to think, “Just go make a friend.” Today, it isn’t that easy. There are social media platforms to navigate, reputations to discern, disconnections to hurdle. It can feel overwhelming to start. Whether accurate or not, any perceived challenge can make a teen more likely to not reach out to someone as a friend. For instance, it’s a common perception among teens to view themselves as unlikable. “She doesn’t like me, she never even looks at me in the hallway,” I hear often.

Even in the age of constant virtual connectedness, we live with personal and intimate disconnectedness. Teens can have “friends” on Facebook but often feel left out when others are having fun on Saturday night and they weren’t invited. Classmates may comment on a teen’s Instagram photo but forget to invite them to join a movie night.

Teenage years are hard enough without the extra challenge of feeling friendless.

Social media also provide an inherent friendship killer—competition. That’s what social media are often used for—showing off, looking cool, and stirring envy. Taking a selfie is often work for teens. They may feel the need to look their best from every angle, and it often takes a few tries to get it “right.” When the end result turns out to be a fabulous photo, social media followers may forget that the person in the photo can also have zits, a broken heart, and family conflict.

How can teens learn to have healthy friendships in this competitive, disconnected culture we live in? Here are 10 suggestions you can give your teen:

  1. Some people are popular only because everyone is afraid of them. That is no way to have friends; that’s a dictatorship! Look around at the people who are friendly, but not super popular—that’s where you’re likely to find the people who stay out of drama.
  2. Understand that there can be levels of friends. You can have a class friend, a tennis friend, and a best friend. They are all important to your well-being!
  3. You can’t always find friendship in your phone. Look up and outward. Put your phone away and connect in person. Start with a friendly smile and work up from there to a kind “hello.”
  4. Have an acquaintance whom you like? Take a risk and ask them to do something with you. Go to Starbucks, see a movie, do a project. Even if you are scared, ask. Taking risks and asking often deepens relationships.
  5. Try a new activity. If you are an artist, join Art Club! That is where your kind of people are probably hanging out.
  6. Don’t be so quick to assume that everyone dislikes you. What do they know about you? Do you walk through the halls with your head down and a distressed look on your face? You could be inadvertently sending an inaccurate impression visually. Maybe lighten up a bit, walk to class with a friendly face, and take a chance by smiling at someone. See what happens as an experiment.
  7. Look for evidence. Are you sure that person “hates” you? What are the facts? Feelings are not facts—we need to look for actual evidence to support your feelings. Maybe you’ll find you didn’t have all the facts and misread a situation.
  8. Learn social skills. Find safe topics that everyone likes to talk about such as food, animals, weather, television shows, and holidays. Ask questions, don’t give one-word answers, and be polite. Learn the art of interviewing – it’s essential to get to know someone!
  9. Be vulnerable. Tell someone something about yourself. Start with a small detail that you don’t care if people know and grow it from there.
  10. Assume people are good and want to have a friend. Almost everyone wants to be connected.

Teenage years are hard enough without the extra challenge of feeling friendless. Understanding the impact of social media, lack of personal togetherness, and the absence of trust can help adults guide teenagers through the vulnerable emotions of friendship making.

Lonely young man shot from behind at subway station with blurry moving train in backgroundThe last two red numerals on the clock changed to zeros, three hours after Stacy had promised herself she’d be in bed. Tonight was going to be different, she had vowed. She’d shut it all down early—right after she checked her Twitter feed. But the numbers in the tiny alert circles on her phone never disappeared. She had to let her online friends know she was still playing the game. She wanted to watch just one last YouTube video. There was just one more link she had to check out.

She scrolled down. The low battery light was on. Bummer, the wall connection must have come loose. She plugged the phone back in, fell into her already unmade bed, and turned off the light. Once again, she hadn’t washed her face, flossed her teeth, or packed the nutritious lunch she’d planned for the next day. She knew she wouldn’t make the morning exercise class either. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, she never wanted to wake up and face another bleak tomorrow. No one understood.

Stacy had thought it would be easier to make friends after graduation. Work would provide a community, she was told. But everyone was always so busy, so in a hurry, so overwhelmed, so married, so caught up in their own lives, so mesmerized by their phones, so unavailable for friendship. No one had anything to give, and she couldn’t put a name to her feelings, to the black hole sucking her in.

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Loneliness can be an excruciating emotion, and one that is hard to label. It can often elude people while they’re busy browsing photos, commenting on social media posts, or playing games—things that appear to create feelings of friendship but may not truly do so.

Today, we can connect with others quickly and easily, in more ways than ever before in human history. Yet we are lonelier than any previous generation. In twenty years, we’ve lost two-thirds of the social connections we used to have. Rates of depression, teen suicide, and addictions are on the rise at a time when life-threatening dangers are at all-time lows for a majority of humanity.

So then, if people have more proximity and more ability to communicate with each other than ever before, why do so many of us experience these crushing feelings of loneliness?

Loneliness May Increase with Reliance on Technology, Changing Cultural Values

The causes of loneliness may not be readily understood or addressed. Even though there are more humans on the planet, and the pool of potential friends may be wider due to technology, many activities that used to require human interaction no longer do. We can shop from home without interacting with a retail clerk or salesperson. We can visit a drive-thru or order takeout and eat dinner alone. Earbuds insulate us when we are around others, and even when we do make eye contact, others are often in a hurry.

Even though there are more humans on the planet, and the pool of potential friends may be wider due to technology, many activities that used to require human interaction no longer do.

Our use of technology and the interactions we have online can impact our state of loneliness significantly, but how the internet specifically affects feelings of isolation can be complicated. Lonely people may find more feelings of connection digitally, for example, but a person who only connects to others digitally and desires other types of connection may be dissatisfied with this way of being part of a community, and their sense of isolation in the external world may increase.

Many social institutions once required for survival are not automatic any more. People of generations past were socially obligated to participate in family religious practices, cultural celebrations, rites of passage, and other traditions. Individuals were identified by these distinct circles, and they showed up, if for no other reason than to avoid ridicule or ostracism. Past generations often had no choice about belonging to their religious and ethnic communities, but today, many people see these circles as voluntary and less able to fill their emotional needs. Some individuals may not even know what community events are offered.

The heterogeneous nature of many modern communities offers increased diversity, greater acceptance of others, and more choices, but these benefits are accompanied by greater personal responsibility. To join and belong requires more individual risk, as new communities are not under the past obligation of accepting a new member simply based on heritage or family ties.

Even education, an institution historically requiring group affiliation and interaction, is now gravitating towards seclusion. Degrees can be obtained online, but even when classes take place in a classroom, digital class notes, internet registration, and online book purchases are all done in isolation in front of a screen. Participating in a group discussion through a message board and submitting online reviews may be the closest thing to socializing some students experience.

Families are often spread out, and some may be estranged. Individuals today may have greater opportunity to find groups that are more accepting, more like-minded, or even more accessible than their biological families, but getting out and physically joining these groups requires more social risk and courage. Even if a lonely person finds the motivation to join a desired group, their emotions can sometimes sabotage a good thing. Research shows one lonely person may destabilize the cohesion of a group. Further, any failures or disappointing experiences a person has can make trying again all the more difficult.

Without built-in social circles and expected participation in family activities, joining and showing up requires more vulnerability and greater personal commitment. Even when a new circle of friends might be welcoming and accepting, a lonely person may not realize this right away, or ever. Research has shown that people who feel lonely are less able to pick up signals of commitment from others, and this can leave a lonely person feeling left out even when they’re really welcomed in.

Beyond these listed barriers to finding connection and attaining a sense of belonging, our culture tends to value independence and autonomy. Some people may not want to admit to feelings of loneliness out of a fear they will be seen as weak. But humans are social animals. We advanced as a species by forming tribes, villages, and devout groups that made us feel special and protected. We sat at fires, told stories, made plans, and felt connected. But as these age-old institutions become more voluntary and less obligatory, membership became more of an individual responsibility.

Learning to Find a Community

I often see people in treatment who have deep feelings of loneliness. They understand these feelings to be a sign that something needs to change, and with good reason: loneliness can have significant and serious effects. It can increase the risk of physical illness and mortality by up to 32%. Further, loneliness can spread and often occurs in clusters, meaning lonely people may be more likely to have lonely people around them, which can contribute to feelings of hopelessness.

Research has shown that people who feel lonely are less able to pick up signals of commitment from others, and this can leave a lonely person feeling left out even when they’re really welcomed in. 

Isolation, and resulting loneliness may develop as a symptom or effect of certain mental health conditions, and working through these issues with the help of a qualified professional can, in turn, help a person overcome isolation and loneliness. But loneliness may have other causes. With busy schedules, digital communication, and personal attendance at events required less frequently, many of the people I work with aren’t even aware of the possible communities available to them. I generally encourage them to browse Meetup.com groups in their area and volunteer opportunities in their communities.

Even making a list of possible groups is a great start for those who are nervous, anxious, or otherwise finding it hard to take that first step. Write the dates and addresses of interesting activities in the calendar. Doing this will increase the chances of you actually attending. Find a colleague or associate who is willing to go along the first time. If you’re nervous or reluctant, think about how you’ll feel when other people are happy to see you and miss you when you are absent. Think about what you can bring to a group that enhances the experience of others. Are you funny? A good listener? Do you have new ideas? Are you willing to help out with projects? And so on.

Another satisfying way to connect might be giving back from the place of one’s own wounding—in other words, helping others who are now where you once were. This may be on an individual basis or you might choose to assist an already established group, using the hardships you have experienced in your own life as expertise and credibility to reach out and lend a hand to others just beginning a difficult journey.

Some ideas:

Bars, parties, or activities focused on drugs or alcohol, while often easy places to meet people, may not be the best places to find true friends. Looking for friendship in places where people are anesthetizing their emotions may set you up for eventual emptiness that is not worth the emotional shortcut. While it is certainly possible to find friends in these places, you may find it more helpful to seek out friendship in places people are attempting to better themselves (classes, houses of worship, athletic endeavors, causes, travel destinations, and so on) or the world (volunteer events, charity drives, community meetings, and so on).

Remember Stacy? She eventually found a farm-to-table cooking class where she met friends who cared about the environment and liked to cook and eat well. Her self-care habits improved, giving her the energy and motivation to attend classes and events after work. She found a rekindled sense of enthusiasm and creativity in the class and looked forward to exploring dining experiences with her new friends.

You, like Stacy, are a unique individual with special qualities and talents. You deserve to have people in your life who accept you for who you are and enjoy your company. You are a gift to the communities where you show up. Though taking a risk on finding a true connection may seem an insurmountable task, things often seem more daunting before we try. But in the end, we often realize it wasn’t so hard, after all, and wonder why we were so afraid.

References:

  1. Cacioppo, J. T., Fowler, J. H., & Christakis, N. A., (2009). Alone in the crowd: The structure and spread of loneliness in a large social network. Journal of personality and social psychology, 97(6). Retrieved from https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1319108
  2. Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2). Retrieved from http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/1745691614568352
  3. McPherson, M., Smith-Lovin, L., & Brashears, M. E. (2006, June 1). Social isolation in America: Changes in core discussion networks over two decades. American Sociological Review, 71(3). Retrieved from http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/000312240607100301
  4. Morahan-Martin, J., & Schumacher, P. (2003). Loneliness and social uses of the internet. Computers in Human Behavior, 19(6). Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563203000402
  5. Raphael, T. J. (2014, October 23). The world is actually safer than ever. And here’s the data to prove that. PRI.org. Retrieved from https://www.pri.org/stories/2014-10-23/world-actually-safer-ever-and-heres-data-prove
  6. Yamaguchi, M., Smith, A., Ohtsubo, Y. (2017, January 15). Loneliness predicts insensitivity to partner commitment. Personality and Individual Differences, 105. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886916310005
  7. Yao, M. Z., & Zhong, Z. (2014). Loneliness, social contacts, and internet addiction: A cross-lagged panel study. Computers in Human Behavior, 30. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563213003063

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’m reaching out partly at the insistence of a few friends, who all seem to be worried about me and my antisocial habits. I guess the problem, as they see it, is I don’t go out and party like a “normal” person. You’d definitely call me an introvert. I’m friendly enough sometimes, but I’m also the roommate who slinks back to my room instead of engaging in prolonged interaction with my housemates. I prefer writing to board games, and Netflix to house parties. I spend a ton of time online and mostly interact with online friends. I do have a few close friends I’ve kept (or who’ve kept me) after college and various jobs I’ve had, and I enjoy their company. We occasionally do activities together like hiking or movie nights, but I can’t really handle large groups or loud noise. And those events only happen a couple times a month … or I only join in that often.

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So the rest of the time, I get told I should have more of a life, should go out more, should be more social. The problem is, I’m a bit worried too. I don’t want to force myself to make small talk with people, but it seems like that’s how you’re supposed to get ahead in life, in a career, or in both. I worry that I lucked out with the friends I do have, and won’t be able to make more.

I’m not unhappy as it is, but I’m tired of feeling guilty for declining social events and doing things that feel better to me. Are humans supposed to be more social? How much does my mental health depend on social interaction and events? And do I need therapy for social anxiety? —Going Solo

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Dear Solo,

Thank you for writing. Thank goodness, also, for the introverts of the world; can you imagine a world full of nothing but extroverts? Sounds like a reality TV show on steroids.

Your letter is interesting in that it seems as though others in your life find your social preferences problematic, while you for the most part sound okay with them. Who are these others who “insist” you reach out? And why are they insisting you come out and play? Do their “protests” seem one-sided/out of self-interest? Or is there a part of you that wants to be more socially engaged but is hesitant? It is hard to tell if they are being empathically supportive or a pain in the … well, neck.

I take it you are not long out of college, as it is mostly twenty-somethings who place such an emphasis on partying, as these friends seem to. Not having sufficient “party habits” is not something to worry about. In a way, the “party” is about dealing with the anxiety of transitioning into the big, bad world of adulthood; sooner or later, the party is over. I work with people for whom the party never ends, and they end up struggling to get clean and sober as a result. Perhaps your choices will look prescient and mature in a few short years.

At the same time, it sounds as if this is has stirred some internal conflict, or you wouldn’t have written. I would also add that you do sound socially active to a degree and not “shut in.” The ability to maintain close friendships is an admirable skill.

Do your social preferences affect your work presently? It strikes me that you are able to socially engage, meaning you could do so if a profession required it, but you prefer not to as it is as not as enjoyable—or, perhaps, safe?

I must confess, however, I detect a strain of … something … in your letter—sadness, perhaps, or confusion, or some/none of the above. I can’t tell if it’s due to others’ apparent view of your choices or something else, such as a strain of isolation.

Which leads me to this question: Is there something emotionally undesirable or unsafe or un-fun about joining others live and in person, as opposed to online? I say this as you mention “a ton” of online activity.

Some might genuinely not know how to answer that. Here’s a constructive way to process not-so-comfortable feelings, which many of us would rather avoid. You can try this alone, with a supportive friend, or even with a counselor: Next time you get told to “get out more and join the party,” pay attention to what you’re feeling inside. Do you feel guilt? Shame? Anger? Anxiety? Some/none of the above? It may help to identify body sensations—if they are tense or knotty, and so on. Try to identify these feelings as best you can.

Assuming “social anxiety” is a diagnosis—and I personally have a lot of ambivalence about such labels and diagnoses, since they often hurt more than help—I would say everyone experiences some degree of it. So try not to get hung up on such labels; if there is anxiety there, it exists on a spectrum and, based on your letter, does not appear to be “severe” or acute. You sound like you’re doing fine on the whole, and the issue is more subtle than extreme.

Next, try to recall earlier times you felt such emotions and within what context they arose. Did this happen in college? High school? Earlier?

Another question I would ask: Were you ever asked to join in group or family events, in the past, toward which you were not particularly enthused, even dreading? Were you made to feel guilty or bad for having these feelings?

Again, you mention you spend “a ton” of time online. This is not the forum to debate the pros and cons of online socializing, but since you mention it, I wonder what it is that feels more enticing or safe or preferable about online versus in-person activity. As a therapist and Gen Xer, my perspective is biased in that I have come to value face-to-face interaction over online socializing, for the most part. While there are friends whose distance makes this impossible, at the end of the day, online exchanges feel somewhat empty to me, not as enriching or colorful as being together in the same space. This is not the case with everyone, however.

One could write a book about the phenomenon of online socializing (and some already have); my basic theme here is to reflect on what is going on in your own psychological experiencing, and begin to understand your truth, to see where you feel comfortable as things are, and where you might—if you choose—want to explore further or try new things. We all have what psychologists call our “growing edge.” It is not a bad thing to nudge ourselves out of our comfort zones, at least a little, with some regularity.

Finally, assuming “social anxiety” is a diagnosis—and I personally have a lot of ambivalence about such labels and diagnoses, since they often hurt more than help—I would say everyone experiences some degree of it. So try not to get hung up on such labels; if there is anxiety there, it exists on a spectrum and, based on your letter, does not appear to be “severe” or acute. You sound like you’re doing fine on the whole, and the issue is more subtle than extreme.

There might, however, be some twinge of concern about your experience with other people and what it brings up, and so a discussion with a counselor could help, if only to satiate your curiosity and uncover whatever this possible conflict is about. Though from what I can tell, it sounds as though your fears are more future-based and concerned with “what if” than anything tangible now, besides the possible disapproval of others. But others’ disapproval may be inevitable for those who want to march to the beat of their own drum. Unless that itself is the issue that gnaws at you.

In the meantime, it sounds like you have a core of reliable friends, and in the long run that’s really all you need. I would be curious to hear more about a possible note of sadness or quiet discontent in your letter, if that is indeed what I’m detecting.

Thanks again for writing!

Kind regards,

Darren

An empty, unmade bed with a plaid blanket in the middle of a roomBed bugs.

The mere mention of these critters sends shivers down my spine and can bring immediate itchiness to anyone aware of these pests and their elusive nature. Bed bugs are small, parasitic insects that tend to take up habitation in—you guessed it—the beds of us poor, unsuspecting humans, then feed on our blood when we sleep. They are in the news frequently and may have even sprung up in your area. Perhaps you have encountered bed bugs in your home or in your travels. This has been an epidemic for several years, but when a person is struggling with an infestation it is rarely talked about.

Unfortunately, bed bugs carry with them a certain stigma. There is a misguided perception they exist only in homes or dwellings that are not clean. Also, people may be “bugged out” when they find out someone has a bed bug issue. Perhaps they have read how easily they are transmitted from one person or place to another and want as much distance between them and the other person/place as possible.

At least that’s what many people with bed bugs fear—and what can keep them from turning to others for emotional support.

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On top of the sense of isolation people may experience because of bed bugs, they must contend with the simple knowledge that in their own sanctuary, the place they call home, they have been invaded by a near-invisible parasite that feeds on you in your most vulnerable state. Argh! If your skin is crawling just reading this, welcome to the experience of a person living with bed bugs.

Bed bugs may have invaded your space, but they do not need to take up all the space in your head!

Not only is treating a bed bug infestation costly both socially and financially, it can take a serious toll on mental health. I have worked with countless individuals dealing with these pests. I have also had my own bed bug scares, nearly sending me off the deep end. What I learned from others’ experiences and my own is that these bugs don’t simply impact our physical environment; perhaps worse, they invade our minds and can lead to an experience of extreme stress and isolation.

Perusing the internet on the topic of bed bugs could bring any person to a panic, whether they are struggling with the issue or not. My goal with this article is to provide anyone dealing with an infestation with some tips and tools to help them calm down and emotionally cope with their unexpected visitors. Bed bugs may have invaded your space, but they do not need to take up all the space in your head!

How to emotionally cope with bed bugs in eight steps:

  1. First, know you are not alone. A simple walk around my neighborhood in Philadelphia showcases countless mattresses thrown outside in what may mark a first panicked attempt at getting rid of bed bugs. A simple internet search on bed bugs yields thousands of results, indicating this problem is being experienced by way more people than just you. You may feel like a social pariah when dealing with bed bugs, but the truth is, due to the stigma and secrecy associated with bed bugs, you never know who else is dealing with them. Take refuge in the simple knowledge you are not the only one suffering the insufferable.
  2. Use some positive self-talk. Say to yourself, “I am a separate person from this problem. This is simply just a problem I am coping with, and it is not my entire life, nor does it represent who I am.” Think about all your positive roles and qualities. Parent, teacher, kind person, clean person—whatever makes up who you are, remind yourself of these things and that you are not just a person who has bed bugs. Each time the thoughts creep back in regarding the bugs, actively change your thoughts. It is not worth it to obsess about them; all you can do is proactively try to take care of the problem, and otherwise try to give your mind a break.
  3. Get outside. If the weather permits, do yourself a huge emotional favor and go for a walk. Sit under a tree. Bring a book. Nature has the power to heal us and bring us back to our sanity. In this case, it also gets you out of your hellhole of a home! Remember, you do not deserve the stress of these bugs. You deserve a break from the environment they have invaded, as well as a mental and emotional break.
  4. Remember that bed bugs are not really any different than other types of bugs. Think of them as less dangerous mosquitoes. Unlike mosquitoes, beg bugs are not known to be vectors of disease. Yes, they are gross. No, they can’t kill you.
  5. Use deep breathing. Breathe in, breathe out … slowly. Count your breaths as you focus on the sensation of breathing in and out. What does it feel like as the breath enters your nose, travels down to your lungs, and then begins to release? See, you already forgot about the bugs. Deep breathing is a form of meditation that helps us focus on the experience of the body rather than the constant thoughts roaming around our heads. Give yourself a moment to stop thinking about the bugs and to relax your nervous system.
  6. Get some exercise. Exercise has the power to not only increase your endorphins (feel-good chemicals in the brain), but it can get your mind off the problem. Exercise IN your home. Take back YOUR territory while pumping iron and gaining a sense of power and control. If you can’t stomach the thought of spending another moment near the source of the infestation, go to the gym or exercise outside. Special note: Yoga is wonderful for stress and can help you be kind to yourself during this terrible time.
  7. Tell someone! Don’t keep this to yourself. Yes, it can feel intimidating telling someone about an issue you might feel embarrassed about, but the relief of bringing someone into the experience of this issue can be a huge help and can take away the sense of isolation often incurred when someone has bed bugs. Tell a few people if you can, and make sure they know you don’t want this information passed around. Ask for a hug, if you feel so inclined; physical touch can be comforting.
  8. Lastly, do everything in your power to get rid of the bugs. Call an exterminator and follow all advice they give. The bugs CAN be beat and you WILL conquer them. Don’t allow the bugs to make you feel incapable and powerless—you are not.

In the end, you will get rid of the bugs. For now, the true goal is maintaining sanity and not allowing the bugs to wreak havoc on both your emotional and physical health. As with many other challenges we face, the worry is the worst part.

Two women read books, facing away from each other.If you tend to isolate from others, you may notice it’s a double-edged sword: isolating can provide needed relief from anxiety (and other strong feelings), yet it can cause you to feel depressed, down about yourself, and reinforce the belief that you cannot handle life. It is an avoidance strategy and, like all such strategies, could create more problems than solutions over time.

I’d like to briefly explore isolation and its function, origination, and costs as a way to help people transition from habitual responses to their feelings to more dynamic responses.

What Constitutes Isolation?

Isolation can take many forms. You might isolate by being alone in your home and avoiding social contact. You might isolate by looking at your phone obsessively, watching television excessively, or overworking. You might isolate in relationships by fantasizing about other people. These are, of course, just a few ways.

Isolation is not necessarily a strictly physical act; it’s also a mental one. It is a state of mind in which you protect yourself from the uncomfortable feelings inside of you. Sigmund Freud described isolation as a mental process that creates a gap between unpleasant thoughts/feelings and other thoughts/feelings. As a result of this process, you may be more likely to be drawn to physical forms of isolation as well (staying home alone, for example).

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What Function Does Isolation Serve?

If you isolate, you may have a visceral response to the question above. Isolation may feel comfortable, a relief from the “craziness” of life, a reprieve from the judgment of others, a break from anxious thoughts.

It also might be a place where you feel more enlivened. Depending on what thoughts and feelings you are beset by, isolation can provide a sort of respite.

Where Does an Isolating Strategy Originate?

Isolation is a strategy you likely developed early in life to cope with emotional challenges you experienced in your family and the intense feelings those challenges evoked. A child’s inherent temperament and family conditions play a role.

If you tend to isolate, it is possible that your temperament is such that you emotionally pull back naturally when you feel anxious, fearful, or even angry. You may have withdrawn from your family as a child if you didn’t get essential emotional needs met: you likely felt unsafe, misunderstood, or ignored. Either way, isolating was your way to protect yourself from the pain (and rage) associated with those unmet needs.

Isolation is not necessarily a strictly physical act; it’s also a mental one. It is a state of mind in which you protect yourself from the uncomfortable feelings inside of you.

What Does It Take to Recover from Isolation?

Recovery from isolation takes time. There are strong, deeply held forces pulling toward isolation when you feel the feelings (anxiety, rage, fear, grief, etc.) that seemed intolerable as a child. Because isolation is a strategy that occurred in the context of relationship (to your parents), the safety, continuity, and framework provided by psychotherapy or psychoanalysis may be key to recovery.

In psychotherapy and psychoanalysis, many of the obstacles to observation are removed. A therapist/analyst, trained to observe and point out the elements of isolation as it occurs in a therapy office, can also point to its effects: the way it can cause you to feel alone, suspicious, and detached from the life-giving energy of your feelings.

Over time, through the process of studying your isolation, you may begin to feel how painful of a strategy it can be. Getting in touch with this pain is essential. In doing so, you may begin to see that you can, in fact, tolerate strong or unpleasant feelings. This has a cascading effect and may empower you to choose contact more and more, until you have internalized this new way of thinking and linking thoughts and feelings. You can then take this new capacity out into the world and feel more enlivened by relationships.

Reference:

Baumeister, R. F., Dale, K., & Sommer, K. L. (1998, December 1). Freudian Defense Mechanisms and Empirical Findings in Modern Social Psychology: Reaction Formation, Projection, Displacement, Undoing, Isolation, Sublimation, and Denial. Journal of Personality 66 (6): 1081-1124.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.