Jealousy and envy can be complex to understand and work through, whether you’re experiencing them yourself or facing them from someone else.

These normal human emotions can help people know when to take action to protect people and things important to them. Experiencing jealousy doesn’t make someone a bad or toxic person. But not addressing it (or dealing with it in unhealthy ways) can affect emotional well-being, lead to resentment, and cause relationships to fester.

Friendships characterized by jealousy or envy may become toxic, so we’re offering some guidance on how to recognize jealousy in a friendship and productive ways to cope with it.

Six Signs Your Friend Is Jealous

There’s nothing wrong with wanting nice things, whether these are possessions, promising opportunities, or good relationships. In fact, many people generally feel some level of envy when a friend or loved one experiences success. But these feelings usually pass before long. Often they’re outweighed by an individual’s support or happiness for their friend, even if they still have a lingering desire for what their friend has.

However, sometimes these feelings don’t clear up, and you may begin to notice changes in a friend’s behavior. The following six signs can suggest a friend may be struggling with envy.

1. They greet your good news with negativity

When something good happens, you want to tell your closest friends about it. But instead of congratulating or supporting you, an envious friend might point out the possible downsides or have only negative things to say. Alternatively, they could offer congratulations that seem superficial or fake.

2. They frequently try to outdo or one-up you

If you share something positive from your life, a friend dealing with jealousy might respond by sharing something similar, only bigger or better. In other words, you may notice a pattern of behavior where they not only imitate you, but also try to go one step farther.

For example, say you make your first major purchase: a new car. Just a few months later, they purchase the exact same car—but the newest model. Of course, purchasing the same car doesn’t always indicate jealousy. They might simply like the car. This behavior is more likely to suggest jealousy when it happens along with other signs.

You might also notice they tend to quickly turn a conversation toward their own accomplishments or successes. Perhaps you’re talking to a group of friends about becoming serious with the person you’ve been seeing for a while. But this particular friend refocuses the conversation by mentioning they’re planning to move in with their partner next month.

3. They make you feel bad about yourself

A friend experiencing jealousy can quickly make you feel guilty or bad about an accomplishment or success, no matter how wonderful you felt about it originally. They might do this intentionally or unintentionally—it’s not always easy to tell. But it can still get you down.

A jealous friend might also insist you were just lucky. They may make you feel as if you aren’t worthy of your successes or that you just happened to be in the right place at the right time. You may be told to “enjoy your luck while you can.”

Some people who tend toward pessimism often bring up what they see as potential drawbacks of a situation. This doesn’t always indicate jealousy. In their mind, they may simply want to help you prepare for a negative outcome because they care. Regardless, if this behavior bothers you, it’s important to point this out and talk to your friend about how you feel.

Reach out to one of our therapists in Salt Lake City, UT or find a therapist in a city near you. 

4. They struggle with insecurity and self-esteem

People who lack a well-developed sense of self-worth, feel inferior to others, or feel insecure about their own abilities may be more prone to jealousy. They might also experience stronger feelings of jealousy.

According to a 2009 study published in the Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, preteens and young teens who felt like they couldn’t have the friendships they desired or felt insecure about their friendships appeared to be more vulnerable to jealousy. The study also found that increased jealousy often led to problems with friends and emotional turmoil.

Research from 2005 also found adolescents with lower levels of self-worth also reported more friendship jealousy than adolescents with higher levels of self-worth.

6. They don’t offer support

Someone who’s jealous of what you’ve achieved—a promotion, a new relationship, or even just a better apartment—probably won’t offer much support. They may even go so far as to say hurtful things, whether they intend them to hurt you or not. They could also actively discourage you from pursuing your goals further.

The Trap of Self-Deprecation

If you notice sharing certain things with your friend sparks a negative reaction, you might choose to keep your accomplishments to yourself. You may also make a habit of putting yourself down around them, even when you know you’ve done something well.

While your goal might be to shield your friend and protect your friendship, this strategy usually doesn’t help. If you talk down a success or achievement, your friend may simply see that as not appreciating your luck or advantages. This won’t do much to lessen their jealousy, and they may also come to resent you.

Remember that envy and jealousy are both normal. Your friend may even be aware of their behavior but not know how to manage their feelings any differently. Talking about the issue often works better than pretending it doesn’t exist.

Talking About Jealousy with an Open Mind

Persistent jealousy can come between friends. If you’ve noticed signs of jealousy or feel your friendship has changed, talking about it can help.

The way you start the conversation can make a big difference. Rather than accusing your friend of being jealous, focus on a few behaviors—negative comments, for example—that concern you. Use “I” statements to tell your friend how you feel.

The negativity accompanying your friend’s envy might be fueled by the fear that you, or the friendship, will change.Although your friend’s behavior may frustrate you, try to focus on what you value about them and the friendship you share.  Consider things from their point of view, especially if you know they’ve dealt with challenges recently. Although they care for you and feel happy for you, seeing your success may cause pain if they’ve recently experienced a setback in the same area.

It can also help to consider your own behavior. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to share your good news, and you shouldn’t feel you have to keep achievements from your loved ones. But if you just bought a new car or starting dating someone great, ask yourself if you’ve been bringing that up a lot lately. Try focusing conversations on things your friend values instead. Point out things you value about them or congratulate their achievements—just make sure you do so sincerely.

When Your Friendship Needs a Break

Jealousy can happen for a lot of reasons, self-doubt and insecurity among them. Resistance to change is another underlying factor often contributing to maladaptive behaviors. The negativity accompanying your friend’s envy might be fueled by the fear that you, or the friendship, will change.

Often, talking to your friend can help you work through jealousy together. But if you’ve tried talking to your friend and their behavior doesn’t change, you may want to take some time apart or even end the friendship.

It can be difficult to know when this is the best option. But in general, if the friendship exhausts you or drains you emotionally, it’s wise to take a step back, at least temporarily. You may want to consider some time away if:

• Most of your conversations are characterized by petty remarks or other unpleasant behaviors.
• They constantly make you feel bad about yourself.
• They often try to pick fights.

Ending a friendship can be a painful process, but therapy can help you work through the loss. A compassionate therapist can also offer guidance and support if you’re trying to address jealousy with a friend or save a friendship.

References:

1. Gottlieb, L. (2018, August 6). Dear therapist: My friend treats me differently since I lost weight. The Atlantic. Retrieved from https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/08/dear-therapist/566753
2. Lavallee, K. L., & Parker, J. G. (2009). The role of inflexible friendship beliefs, rumination, and low self-worth in early adolescents’ friendship jealousy and adjustment. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 37(6), 873-885. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19337827
3. Parker, J. G., Low, C. M., Walker, A. R., & Gamm, B. K. (2005). Friendship jealousy in young adolescents: Individual differences and links to sex, self-esteem, aggression, and social adjustment. Developmental Psychology, 41(1), 235-250. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15656752
4. Ramachandran, V. S., & Jalal, B. (2017, September 19). The evolutionary psychology of envy and jealousy. Frontiers in Psychology, 8(1). Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5609545

Envy doesn’t get talked about much these days. I’m not sure why. Maybe because in these times of personal empowerment, everyone is supposed to be pursuing personal bests and following their own destinies, independent of everyone else. In such an environment of individualism, it’s a little gauche, maybe, to admit (to oneself, but especially to others) you could be envious of someone else.

Maybe because envy seems tinged with old-school morality, something to be thrown out with the raised eyebrows and tsk tsks of past convictions of superiority. We are more straightforward now. We say it like it is. We have no need for spurious or vague emotions that cause messes in our souls.

Think so? I’m not so sure.

Envy has not vanished from the face of the earth. Envy is hardwired in the human heart. It has only gone underground. If you’ve ever tried to eradicate moles or gophers from your garden, you know how difficult it is to rid your life of things that live beneath the surface. The problem, of course, is that you can’t see them. You can only see where they have already been, because they leave a trail of wreckage.

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Just like envy.

So what is it, this envy?

One thing it is not is jealousy. The words are often used interchangeably, but this is incorrect. There is a vast and meaningful difference between the two.

Jealousy. You are jealous of someone if they have something you want. For example, that girl in your economics class has the shoes you covet but can’t afford. No fair. Or, that man who is a major slacker has a bigger office than you do. No fair. The feeling you have when you imagine yourself in these two scenarios is jealousy. Another word for it is covetousness. The Ten Commandments are all over covetousness; in fact, 20% of the commandments are spent in outright ban of it, both spouses and goods. It doesn’t matter who the other person is or what their circumstances might be: they have something you want; you, on the other hand, do not have it; you are jealous.

In my estimation, this is a garden-variety offense. It doesn’t hurt anyone but you. It makes you stew in your own juices until you wake up, which you will eventually do, one hopes. If you are even halfway conscious, you will find it becomes boring after a while to covet everyone else’s stuff because it finally dawns on you that you could buy yourself your own pair of shoes if you were a little more prudent with your finances. Your feet and the feet of the suede-shod woman are existentially unrelated. What she has is completely independent of what you have/don’t have. You’re on your own. Get your own shoes and get over yourself. They will look great on you if you like them so much.

Envy, on the other hand, is insidious. Envy targets the person with the shoes you covet, the person with the bigger office. Envy tells you that you are better than they are, that they don’t deserve the shoes or the office, that in order to get them, they probably did something unsavory or were born under a lucky star (no fair!) or had better parents than you did (no fair!) … and you are the one who really deserves these things. So to hell with them and their stupid shoes and their stupid office. You want to pour red wine into the taupe suede shoes. You want to hide a stinking, rotting chicken carcass in the big office. You want to hurt those people. At the very least, you want to spit venom about them behind their backs. That, my friend, is envy.

Envy attacks another person.

It is envy, for example, that makes you writhe with hot discomfort when your sister executes an ethereal Chopin piece while you know you had the attention span of a gnat during the two years of forced piano lessons you endured. Sure, you wanted to play. But you didn’t want to practice. You wanted to go do other stuff. Therefore, the whole enterprise for you—the boring piano lessons—was a burden your parents forced upon you and which you could not manage to see as anything but punitive.

Plus, your sister was born with a gift, you tell yourself. This music comes so easily to her she could play in her sleep. I wasn’t born with that. She got all the talent. Look at her! Everyone is all admiring and things. What a show-off! If I had had half the advantages she had, I’d be sitting there playing even better than she does. Crap.

You snipe at your sister every chance you get. You make it your business to examine her life for all the unfair advantages your parents extended to her but denied you, forgetting already that you had the exact same opportunities at the keyboard. But the piano is just the start. You could recite an entire litany of examples of favoritism, if anyone gave half a damn about you and the way you’ve suffered while your sister got all the attention. Crap.

With your unbridled envy, your sister gets hurt. You are mean to her. You devalue her accomplishments by attributing them to luck or parental favoritism or natural talent (as if talent required no discipline in order to bloom). You ignore the hours of practice she put in while you were off doing who knows what—and you don’t even remember what now, do you? You debase her well-developed discipline, focus, and personal goals. And you take shots at her about other things to keep her in her place, which to her feels arbitrary and nasty, making her question herself and what she may have done to provoke you. She is hurt and anxious.

So are you! You also are hurt and anxious. Can you see that? Envy is a pitchfork with two sharp tines: you pierce the other person’s accomplishments with one while you let the grace seep out of your own soul with the other.

So if envy is this bad, why do I claim it is hardwired? Because like all emotions—positive and negative—envy is an indicator. It is a message. It alerts us to something in ourselves that requires our attention.

We can look at anger as an example of a familiar negative emotion. Anger is our red-alert system that tells us something seems wrong. People think anger is wild acting out in behaviors of rage or even violence. It’s not. Anger is just a feeling. How you act upon that feeling is your choice.

You could react and blow gaskets in the form of wild behaviors—the so-called knee-jerk behavior we see in road rage, for example. Your anger is telling you that you are approaching your limit with driving in traffic and with disrespectful drivers. You blow up. How does that help? You’re likely still in a white rage when you walk in the door at home an hour later. Everyone at home gets the fallout. What a crummy evening that is likely to be. Meanwhile, your morons, the ones who inflamed you, are still moving on down the highway, not only unaware of your meltdown but also unpunished for the transgressions you detest so much. It will be just like this again tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, by the way. And next week. Why would anything change?

When you respond, you take charge. It may not be a good feeling to admit to yourself that you’re stewing in envy toward another person. But if you take a deep breath and ask yourself where it is really coming from, you might be surprised to discover it is rooted deeply within the inaccurate narrative you are repeating to yourself about your life.

Alternatively, you could respond—and take note of the cause and the extent of the anger that the red-alert evokes. Then you can decide what you’d like to do about it. If you give yourself the time to respond, you give yourself the time to learn from your anger and to utilize it as notice that something in your life would suit you better if you were to change it. You are empowered. Your anger has pointed you right to the solution. You get to decide what to do next. Maybe drive a different route. Maybe change your hours. Maybe Uber to work. You realize your anger is about yourself. It has nothing to do with the drivers in the other cars. They have their own problems.

Extend this pattern of choice between reacting and responding to envy.

When you react in envy, you do things that not only hurt you, but also hurt the other people who are the targets of your envy, as discussed earlier. You do yourself no favors, because you stir yourself up into a hot mess while comforting yourself with the concept of some vague but gross injustice which places you squarely in the victim role. Oh, lick those wounds, and hate that transgressor!

But when you respond, you take charge. It may not be a good feeling to admit to yourself that you’re stewing in envy toward another person. But if you take a deep breath and ask yourself where it is really coming from, you might be surprised to discover it is rooted deeply within the inaccurate narrative you are repeating to yourself about your life. Like anger and the drivers, envy has nothing to do with the person you envy. It is an inside job.

You might catch a glimpse of yourself as lacking in discipline, and you might feel guilt attached to that. Well, you can learn a great deal about how to bring discipline into your life, if you put your mind to it. You can work with a therapist to reshape your personal narrative so that you can create openings for growth in your life. You don’t have to remain enslaved to old, ineffective stories about who you are. You have the power, given the desire, to change anything you’d like to change.

Jealousy and envy. They are both opportunities. Next time you feel one of them arise, stop for a moment and take a good look at it. Remember you are not your feelings. You are the feeler of your feelings. You are the thinker of your thoughts. As such, you are the creator of your life.

Try it in small steps. Mindfulness techniques are excellent tools for slowing down the crashing, reactive aspects of strong negative emotions. Becoming aware of your feelings and your environment (internal and external) and your hopes and your dreams at any one moment can create the space you need for grabbing the reins of your behavior, and bring the muse of discipline into your life to create the peace that is ultimately what you would most like to have in your heart.

You can do it. You will amaze yourself.

And oh, how you will sleep at night!

There is no question that inheritance bequests can create significant tension and strife in families. Often, one or more of the surviving relatives feels slighted and unfairly treated. The only person, however, who has the right to decide how to leave their estate is the person creating the will.

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Your mother may have some very clear reasons for allocating her estate the way she has. Of course it doesn’t feel fair to you—but what’s fair isn’t always right, and what’s right isn’t always fair. It may be that your mother feels that her son who stayed close and helps her out (as minimally as it may seem to you) is entitled to more of the estate. It may be that she is concerned about his ability to thrive after she is gone and is trying to make sure he is taken care of. (If this is the case, it may be that she has confidence you’ll be just fine—though I’m sure that would feel like small consolation.) It may be something else completely, but she has her reasons for making the choices she made.

You can allow resentment to poison your relationship with your brother and your mom, or you can let it go.

The choice you are left with, then, is how to respond. You can allow resentment to poison your relationship with your brother and your mom, or you can let it go. When you tried to talk with your mother, did you focus on how these choices made you feel, or did you come from the perspective of right/wrong and fair/unfair?

If you focus on how wrong or unfair her choice seems, you may be met with defensiveness and entrenchment. If you start from a place of accepting that it is her right to make these choices, but that you find her choices hurtful, you may be able to come to a better understanding. She might be able to explain her thinking in a way that makes sense to you, and she might be able to hear and respond to your pain—but not if she has to defend the “rightness” of her choices.

However you choose to approach this, I strongly recommend that you find a way to make peace with your mother before she dies. That might mean seeking personal counseling for yourself to let go of anger and resentment, or perhaps family counseling with your mother and possibly your brother. You have the opportunity to address these issues while she is here to respond. All too often, resentments are left to fester until it is too late to heal the rifts.

Best of luck,
Erika

I recently wrote about pornography use and how it doesn’t necessarily or even usually signify impending doom for a relationship. Some of the responses to the article surprised me—not because there was debate, but because many partners expressed feelings of insecurity about their significant others finding someone else attractive. Some people said they wanted their partners to communicate about their pornography usage, some preferred a “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach, and others preferred to operate under the assumption that their partners do not use porn, without ever discussing the subject openly.

These same “camps” can be applied to partners who develop feelings for other people. Some partners would prefer not to know about those feelings unless they become a problem for that person—if they’re having trouble setting boundaries around their own behavior. A colleague of mine over the summer shared that she and her wife have an agreement to always tell the other person when one develops a crush. Like my colleague, some partners would prefer always to know—this helps them develop an intimate foundation of trust and to make informed, collaborative decisions about the people in their lives. Others would prefer to live under the illusion that they won’t develop attractions or feelings for other people, or that their partners won’t.

I’m here today to discuss productive ways of handling crushes that develop while in a relationship. I’m also here to deliver some bad news. In the same way it’s unreasonable to expect that your partner will never find another person attractive, it’s not especially realistic to believe he or she won’t develop crush-like feelings for another person, even while remaining committed to you.

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The truth is that, no matter our preferences, we often have little control over the things we think and feel. And when we buck up against our thoughts and feelings, rather than owning and accepting them as parts of our lives, they tend to grow.

It’s harder to regulate our thoughts and feelings when we’re shaming ourselves. The same could be said for other internal states we struggle with—anxiety and depression, for example. When we live in relationship to others who react to our feeling states, we don’t just experience baseline symptoms of anxiety and depression; we may also judge ourselves for having those feelings, and then deal with added anxiety as we anticipate the ways our partners might react. From this web, obsessions can develop.

Not Talking about It Isn’t the Answer

One way to take power away from anxiety, depression, or in this case a crush is to talk openly about it. I will specify here that I am writing this article mainly for couples whose communication already feels emotionally safe. We all react poorly to our partners sometimes, but this taboo topic involves a certain ability to empathize and to see from multiple perspectives. If that’s not already happening in your relationship, that’s a red flag, and this advice isn’t for you.

It’s common for people in relationships to try to squash the possibility of their partners attracting other people (and vice versa). And it’s this type of controlling action that hushes secure communication about the tough stuff that otherwise brings partners closer together. When we put limits on our partners from a place of fear, we are not giving them a chance to demonstrate their trustworthiness.

I also want to state that feeling threatened by your partner developing a crush is totally normal. However, it’s important to recognize that this type of jealousy is in part about self-esteem and not just about your partner’s behavior. It’s common for people in relationships to try to squash the possibility of their partners attracting other people (and vice versa). And it’s this type of controlling action that hushes secure communication about the tough stuff that otherwise brings partners closer together. When we put limits on our partners from a place of fear, we are not giving them a chance to demonstrate their trustworthiness.

Over time, this dynamic—one partner using insecurity to control his or her partner, while the partner, in turn, keeps his or her desires a secret, leading to resentment about not being understood—is what dooms partnerships.

Here’s the thing about secrets: they become pressure-cookers for strong feelings. The more one feels like he or she shouldn’t be doing something, the more shame he or she may experience. Rather than serving as a motivator to stop behaviors, shame becomes paralyzing. In partnerships where a secret is finally revealed, partners may spin into feedback loops in which they react to one another and elevate the other person’s anxiety, often without being able to self-regulate their own. This can reinforce feelings of shame and punish partners for trying to confront uncomfortable topics head-on.

How to Decide If a Crush Is Worth Mentioning

Let’s say there’s a classmate or new coworker and after a couple of conversations, you start to get that fluttery feeling in your chest. Depending on what you’re like, you might either want to pursue the person or run for the hills. Regardless of what your gut is telling you to do, let’s also say you’re in a committed partnership. How can you communicate about these feelings in a way that’s fair to all parties?

First, search yourself. Rather than pushing your feelings away, recognize that what you’re dealing with is a crush. You don’t need to become attached to this label, as crushes and feelings are fickle things, but give yourself the opportunity to explore your thoughts and feelings, perhaps on paper, or talk them out with a compassionate friend. Chances are, your crush will already feel less powerful.

Another option is to meditate—simply to witness how strong the tides of desire ebb and flow from moment to moment. Ask yourself pointed questions and see what clarity can come when you stop trying to push your thoughts away.

Sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski (2015) offers tips for couples and individuals who are working through their emotions and relays nonjudgmental communication strategies for acknowledging those emotions. She tells us to treat our emotions as if they are sleepy hedgehogs sitting in our laps. It is not helpful to scream at your partner about the presence of the hedgehog, nor is it useful to pretend the hedgehog is not there; the existence of the hedgehog is going to impact you and your partnership. But by dealing with the hedgehog—the emotion—tenderly and with compassion, you and your partner will prosper.

How to Bring Up a Crush with a Partner

If you decide it’s best to speak up about your crush, you might experience even more anxiety than you did about the crush in the first place. For difficult dialogues, I strongly recommend Reid Mihalko’s Difficult Conversation Formula (Mihalko, 2012), which I first found in the book Girl Sex 101 (Moon & diamond, 2014, p. 54) but is also available as a downloadable worksheet in the reference list. It goes like this:

1. I have something to tell you.
2. Here’s what I’m afraid will happen when I tell you …
3. Here’s what I want to have happen …
4. Here’s what I have to tell you …

Sometimes, it’s OK for conversations with your partner to feel like a first draft, but recognize when that’s what they are and maybe say so. You don’t have to have a thesis or a conclusion when you sit down to talk with your partner, but owning that “these are my feelings and I don’t necessarily want to do anything about them, but I feel like you should know what they are” is incredibly helpful for some people. And because this confession is likely to summon strong feelings, maybe try drafting out your points ahead of time—either with the worksheet, in your head, or with a trusted friend.

If you have a crush on someone who is not your partner, here’s an example of how a difficult dialogue might be introduced using steps 2 and 3:

I’m afraid if I tell you, you’ll get upset and will question my love for you, but that’s not what this is about for me.

I want us to be able to talk about this because if we don’t now, I’m afraid it’s going to grow. I want us to have a trusting partnership where we can talk about the things that make us uncomfortable, even when it’s scary.

Chances are, if both partners are able to recognize that the other person is honest, has good intentions, and keeps the best interests of the partnership in mind, this conversation will provide both partners with an opportunity to strengthen trust and grow intimacy.

Best of luck!

References:

1. Mihalko, R. (2012). Say what’s not being said: Reid’s formula for difficult conversations. ReidAboutSex. Retrieved from http://reidaboutsex.com/difficult-conversation-formula/
2. Moon, A., & diamond, kd. (2014). Girl Sex 101. Lunatic Ink.
3. Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.

The matter of trust is always a burning issue, especially nowadays when technology has taken over the bigger part of our lives. With the development of social media, we forgot how to talk to each other, and replaced our real life communication with calls, chats, and videos. We think we have the company of friends and lovers, but when the Internet goes dark, we face the terrifying reality—our virtual worlds are just an excuse to avoid complete solitude.

One of the biggest problems we face while using the Internet is jealousy. It starts with simple comments, “likes,” and then progresses to messages and even calls. If there were a way to check your better half, would you do it? Does online chatting constitute cheating?

Many stories start with flowers and chocolate, mine was no different. I met my husband in college, where both of us were studying programming. It is not news that there are few girls in that field, and I was lucky to catch the best boy in our group.

Soon after graduation, we got married and moved to New York. Things were going pretty well except that we hardly saw each other. He joined an international company and was constantly away. Quite a common story, you might say, but it wasn’t just distance that set us apart—there was technology.

I could not stop thinking of what he was doing and with whom he was talking when he was not with me. One time I caught him chatting with another woman, and I was foolish enough to start spying on him. In reality, though, I had neither time nor money to hire a private detective to follow him to Japan, so I bought a spying pen, which indicated his GPS location and recorded his surroundings, but in practical terms, it was nothing but a waste of money.  I didn’t know how to make my husband carry it with him all the time; moreover, I couldn’t hear anything because of the wind. Eventually, the battery charge got so low that I had to ditch that idea. [fat_widget_left]

Next, I took my friend’s advice to use a mobile spying app. It was quite a simple thing to use: I downloaded the file and installed it on his iPhone, then I could track his messages, calls, his GPS location. I became obsessed, lost sleep, could hardly work, and was even admitted to a hospital.

You probably want to know if he was actually cheating. There was a girl—his coworker—I saw them taking pictures together, which he deleted before coming home. I could see those pics through my spying app; I tracked his messages, and I knew how many times he called her, but I could not prove that they were involved in an affair.

Spending all my money on shrinks, I got lost completely. I couldn’t sleep and one of the shrinks I went to told me I had neurosis—symptoms of anxiety, depression, and obsessive behavior. He told me to visit another doctor who gave me antidepressants. It’s easy to become addicted to those pills, though, and they don’t really cure the real problem. I felt better, but I knew that I felt so only because of the drugs, so I stopped using them, and then it all changed into a nightmare.

There was a time when I couldn’t even work, and my mom had to take me to my parents’ house where I stayed for a whole week while my husband was in Indonesia. I knew one thing: I needed help, real help that surprisingly came from no one else but my husband. He got back and called my mother. He pestered me for information, as he couldn’t understand the reason for my behavior. When suddenly I cracked and told him everything, he just started crying. He confessed that there was a crush and that on one occasion he had almost taken it too far. Nevertheless, I was the reason he was interested in her. My depression led me to neglect self-care, and I had no interest in making love or spending romantic time together. He thought there was no more love left from me, and he was also stressed because he was under risk of getting fired. I pushed him off and abandoned him when he needed me most. I was so wrapped up with thoughts of jealousy, I thought only about myself, when the person I loved the most was devastated.

I relied on technology to reveal the truth, when all I had to do was to talk with him upfront.  Eventually, we figured out a way to stay together—he quit his job and found a new one in the city. Surprisingly, we needed no recovery therapy, our main medicine was honesty and love.

Although my story has a happy ending, I really think that love and technology do not match. Because it is true, as the author Frank Crane wrote, “You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust anyone.”

Paula Green is an IT professional who currently works as a writer for a college writing service.

Thanks for your question. I can only imagine your bewilderment and confusion; things are humming along fine and suddenly, out of nowhere, your wife is asking you to play the “keys in the bowl” game from the 1970s. It sounds like you have a strong marital connection and are completely taken aback by the question, which is understandable. I would feel the same in your shoes.

Here is the key quote, far as I’m concerned: “She says it would be ‘just sex,’ we would make the rules in advance, no feelings involved. It sounds so simple but I am not sure that is how it works.” Frankly, I’m not sure that it works, period. To my mind there is no such thing as “just sex.” We westernized, Cartesian types seem to think we can neatly separate mind and body, but this is a conceptual fantasy that I think has to be done away with. Emotion is irreversibly intertwined with every facet of our being. Even being extremely intellectual has emotional overtones; lack of emotion (coldness, sternness, etc.) is itself an emotion or affect, as we say in psychology. This “no feelings involved” doesn’t make sense because clearly your wife is expressing some desire (i.e., a feeling) for a new sexual experience. The question is, why?

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Because of the intensely physical nature of sex, we tend to think of it as outside the spectrum of the day-to-day relationship—its own special category. I find, though, that the couples who relate together mate together. Sex is on a continuum that includes the mundane interactions of paying bills, housework, schedules, and so on. It puts too much pressure on a couple to have a somewhat routine existence drained of spontaneity and playfulness and then expect sparks in the bedroom. My hunch—from a distance, of course—is that your wife feels something is missing and wants to go outside the relationship to find it. Why is that? What is she not finding between the two of you that she needs to take such an emotional risk of bringing another partner into it? And it is a risk, no matter what anyone says. Sex involves desires that are unconscious, and the latter is always a wild card (which is part of sexuality’s exciting appeal). Of course, my attitude would be different if you were in favor, but you’re obviously strongly opposed.

Are there ways in which she can express some of those desires with you? Is she afraid of hurting your feelings by not saying something or making a request for something new? Is this request for openness a round-about way of expressing dissatisfaction? Are there ways you two can “shake things up” a bit in the romance and sex department? A weekend away, a dance class, a vacation, a little role play? Is there a part of her she wants to let out but is afraid? (Not to be cynical, but I almost wondered when I read your letter if she already had someone in mind.)

You might want to have a serious talk with your wife or even seek some couples counseling to help her understand how unhappy this idea is making you, and how rattled and bewildered you are in light of it. I think you owe it to yourself, and the marriage, to do all you can to try and seek together, rather than separately, a solution or compromise that allows you both to find satisfaction; you have that rare successful marriage that has endured for many years, and that is definitely worth protecting. It would be tragic for it to slip away due to lack of understanding or withheld feelings or desires. Thanks again for writing.

Best,
Darren

First, let me say that I admire your candor, your self-awareness, and your desire to work on this issue. I believe that all of these things will ultimately make you successful in addressing this issue and coming to a place of greater satisfaction in your life.

Jealousy is often a protective strategy fueled by more vulnerable feelings, such as worthlessness or feelings of inadequacy. No therapist can tell you exactly what the particular vulnerability is, but a skilled therapist can help guide you toward identifying and transforming whatever it might be in your case. Establishing a context for the origin of these feelings within the safety of a therapeutic relationship can help you to challenge the feelings and begin healing.

Healing the wounds of the past will likely foster a sense of confidence in your ability to make changes in your present life. For example, you specifically mention feeling jealous of colleagues. Are you satisfied and fulfilled by your work? My hunch is that you are not. If my hunch is correct, it makes sense to start thinking about what you want out of your work. Are you in the field you want to be in? Do you want to move up into a higher-level position? Do you want to explore options at a different company? Answering these questions and others that might arise may point you in a different direction professionally. It sounds like there is also significant dissatisfaction with your personal life. A similar assessment of what it is that you are seeking can be applied here, too.

As for Facebook, you are not alone in the experience you describe. In fact, a recent study indicates that the more young adults use Facebook, the more dissatisfied they become (Kross, Verduyn, Demiralp, Park, Lee, Lin, Shablack, Jonides, and Ybarra, 2013). It seems to me that people very often post the good stuff of life on Facebook. They share promotions, successes, home purchases, marriages, the births of children, and vacations. So, you can walk away feeling like everyone’s life is better than your own. But the truth is, no one’s life is perfect. Everyone has challenges, pain, and frustration—they just might not choose to share those things in a Facebook status.

Looking inward, healing old wounds, determining what you want, and creating a plan to get it can be very difficult work—I certainly don’t wish to imply that it is simple. Because it can be difficult, even painful, work that takes time, I do hope you will consider partnering with a therapist who can support you throughout the process. Collaborating with a therapist can also help you to explore ways to make yourself more comfortable as you seek to make changes in your life. You don’t have to wait until you accomplish your goals and dreams to be happy.

Reference:

Kross E, Verduyn P, Demiralp E, Park J, Lee DS, et al. (2013) Facebook Use Predicts Declines in Subjective Well-Being in Young Adults. PLoS ONE 8(8): e69841. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0069841

All the best,
Sarah

Does this song sound familiar?

“Every Breath You Take” by The Police:

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you

Some people think it’s a love song, but according to Sting himself, it’s the opposite—as he put it, “very, very sinister and ugly.” Does it remind you of your relationship with your girlfriend? The song is about a stalker, someone who watches every single thing their partner does or wants to do and takes away their freedom. In such a relationship, a person might feel safe and loved at first, in a secure space, but that space quickly turns into a prison.

You say you’ve read many articles about insecurity and the damage it can cause. I am not going to suggest any more books or articles to you; I think it’s time you stop reading and start doing. I think you already know all you need to.

In the kind of relationship you describe—of possessor and possessed—both partners are insecure. You ask if you should leave. I ask why you need to ask. What do you want to do? I suggest that you seek professional help and a support group so you can learn to listen to yourself, act on your true needs and desires, and develop better, healthier relationships that will help you honor your own inner guide and grow.

Respectfully,
Lynn

The green-eyed monster of envy is often viewed as an emotion that leads to bad behavior. Envy can also be painful for those experiencing it. Longing for a new home or enviously watching friends post vacation photos on Facebook can slowly eat away at your self-esteem and harm your relationships with others.

Envy and jealousy may be used interchangeably, but there’s actually a meaningful distinction. While jealousy is the fear of losing something you already have – such as a spouse – envy is pain over something you don’t have – a flashy car, a perfect family, or a good marriage. Social networking can increase envy, and the media often fuels feelings of envy by parading an endless supply of things you do not, or cannot, have. You don’t have to permanently live with envy. There are several things you can do to cope with the overwhelming emotions that come with it.

[fat_widget_right]Deconstruct It
When you feel that first pang of envy, don’t ignore it, but don’t continue feeding it. Instead, try to deconstruct it. What’s really behind the envy? Envy can tell you a lot about what you want – a vacation, a successful spouse, a new job. And if you listen to your feelings of envy and interrogate them, you’re more likely to arrive at useful information about yourself. Question why you’re feeling envy, what is missing in your own life, and if any other emotions – such as anxiety or frustration – could partially account for your envious feelings.

Focus on Gratitude
You might not have a million dollar beach house, but you do have something to be grateful for; everyone does. Rather than fixating on what you don’t have, make gratitude a long-term strategy. Make a list of things you’re grateful for – no matter how small – each day. And when you feel pangs of envy, replace each envious thought with a moment of gratitude for something fabulous about your own life.

Get a Reality Check
When you’re marveling at someone’s social networking profile or alumni newsletter update, it’s easy to forget that everyone has a public and private face. We all strive to put our best face forward. That classmate or co-worker who seems to have an amazing life may be secretly struggling. Don’t believe the hype about other people. Instead, realize that everyone struggles with something and you might not know what the inside view of another person’s life is.

Decide What You Want
Rather than wallowing in envy, resolve to take steps to get your own life on track. Envy can be a positive emotion when it empowers healthy goal-setting. When you’re feeling envious, ask yourself what it is about another person’s life that you envy, then make a list of the steps you can take to reach your goals. By taking a minuscule step every day, you can get on track to have the life you want, of which you can be proud.

Help Others
While there may always be people who have things you don’t have, there are also almost certainly people who have much less than you. Helping others can offer an effective perspective adjustment. It also feels good all on its own. Try volunteering at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen, and use your volunteer experience as an opportunity to take stock of all you have instead of all that you’re lacking.

References:

1. Controlling envy. (n.d.). Dr. Phil.com. Retrieved from http://drphil.com/articles/article/340
2. Keeping envy and jealousy under control. (n.d.). University of Rochester Medical Center. Retrieved from http://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentTypeID=1
3. Matousek, M. (2012, May 29). When friends get rich or famous (or both). Psychology Today. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ethical-wisdom/201205/when-friends-get-rich-or-famous-or-both

Visions of winning the lottery are enough to turn just about anyone into a dreamer who fantasizes about helping family members, starting charities, and—of course—buying a few nice cars and homes. But a 2006 study published in the Journal of Health Economics found that while lottery winners experience extreme happiness after winning, their happiness levels return to pre-lottery levels not long after.

For some lottery winners, winning the jackpot leads to utter misery. Bankruptcies, divorce, family troubles, and mental health issues including suicidal ideation sometimes come along with winning the lottery; many winners have met disastrous or tragic ends. How can a dream come true turn so rapidly into a nightmare?

Massive Change
Statistically speaking, happy life events such as the birth of a baby, a new marriage, or buying a house are among the most stressful experiences a person can have. Lifestyle changes require rapid adjustments, personality alterations, and negotiation of new boundaries and relationships with loved ones.

The lottery is no different. Going from rags to riches overnight can be overwhelming. Not only must a lottery winner plan for what to do with the money, he or she must negotiate changed relationships with friends and family, the challenges of a new lifestyle, and the potential boredom that comes with no longer working. People are vulnerable to depression and anxiety during major life changes, and the lottery may ignite a cascade of negative psychological and interpersonal events.

Poor Preparation
Low-income people are more likely to play the lottery than other groups; some analysts have even argued that the lottery functions as a “tax on the poor.” People who are unaccustomed to balancing complex budgets may be ill-prepared for the financial demands that come with winning the lottery. A $100 million jackpot might sound like a lot, but when it’s split between 20 relatives, a dozen charities, 10 new cars, and five houses, it’s not what it’s cracked up to be. Predatory financial planners may also prey on lottery winners, taking large commissions in exchange for poor or nonexistent advice.

Unceasing Demands
The moment a lottery winner wins, the phone starts ringing. Charities, friends, family members, and political causes all want a piece of the action. The price of saying no can be costly, particularly among family members who don’t understand why deep-pocketed lottery winners can’t finance their dreams—or at least their basics. Relationships may be left permanently broken, and the constant demands from strangers and loved ones can be crushing.

Little Credibility
Unlike people who build businesses or even inherit their money from successful parents, lottery winners might not be readily welcomed into the club of the super rich, and they may be derided as simply lucky. A lottery winner who dreams of building a charity or a new business might be questioned about his or her competence. Jealousy over winnings can cause people to say hurtful, mean-spirited things, and a lottery winner might spend the rest of his or her life hearing that the good fortune is not deserved. Pressure in the form of stress, anxiety, guilt, and self-image issues can add up.

References:

1. Adams, S. (2012, November 28). Why winning Powerball won’t make you happy. Forbes. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2012/11/28/why-winning-powerball-wont-make-you-happy/
2. Doll, J. (2012, March 30). A treasury of terribly sad stories of lottery winners. The Atlantic Wire. Retrieved from http://www.theatlanticwire.com/national/2012/03/terribly-sad-true-stories-lotto-winners/50555/
3. Spector, D., Lubin, G., & Kelley, M. (n.d.). 18 signs that the lottery is preying on America’s poor. Business Insider. Retrieved from http://www.businessinsider.com/lottery-is-a-tax-on-the-poor-2012-4?op=1